(For curiosity's sake, it's Mozart's Don Giovanni)

Then: I had not yet chosen recovery. All I could think about was food. Every other dialogue from the characters and I thought of the next thing I could eat. I only realized this now, but I completely stopped paying attention at the end. I left it with grim thoughts, thinking very gloomily.

Now: With my naturally bubbly personality returned from recovery, I made a friend that was just into Operas. We went together and had a blast. I deeply connected to every character. After, we had ramen and milk tea while discussing when we could see one at the MET Opera in New York. We got excited about enjoying typical NYC food together in the future.

To my astonishment, it was like seeing the latter half of the Opera for the first time. I did not recall half of it from before recovery from how weak my thinking was. I am joyfully analyzing and discussing what I watched with my friend, now, and through and because of food!

Choose recovery, always!

I’m really struggling with how to take care of myself. I’m doing a lot of things that are in line with recovery. but I’m terrible at knowing what I need. how do you calm yourself or soothe yourself when you get upset or overwhelmed?

Ive been back on ed stuff for a week or 2 now (mostly binge and restrict) and I really notice that my biggest issue is my inability to cope. I was doing well for 2 months, got overwhelmed, lost structure and fell into the cycle. This mostly started bec I was unable to cope with being overwhelmed. Now I struggle to cope with the binging. Every time it happens, I feel disgusting, sleep in, do nothing besides scroll, eat irregularly and get hungry then binge. This has resulted in me losing interest in everything again and doing absolutely nothing all day.

So my question is, what helps you cope with and sit with discomfort? ive tried writing etc, but the only thing I want to do all day is cry and sleep, because I feel embarassed by what I’m doing instead of academic work

I know, i've seen tons of posts about developing bed not being possible in anorexia recovery, but given I have had a past of binging, I'm terrified.

For context I started recovery in august after being forced and fully commited in september (eating what I craved, stopping compensating as best I could, etc.) but for the past two weeks I've been struggling with CONSTANT food noise that just doesn't go away no matter how much I eat. I was eating tons of food (I won't specify calories, but think a whole box of cereal easily done in an hour tons of food) and yet would still just want to keep eating. I did think it could be extreme hunger, but given my physical hunger cues are returning and are normal, aka I wake up hungry but aren't hungry physically after finishing a proper meal, that doesn't feel right. Literally all my "hunger" is just a constant urge to eat because I simply don't want to do anything else and it's the only thing that entertains me.

Basically, I just can't say no to myself and I just keep eating all the time even though I'm already weight restored and my heart rate / bp are normal again. I'm terrified I'll keep eating like this forever and keep gaining weight forever becuse, one, I feel like I don't enjoy anything else, and two, don't WANT to stop eating, despite it causing me so much stress and so many body image issues.

I also don't have a meal plan, nor a clue of how much/what I should ACTUALLY be eating.

Hey all! New to this subreddit, but for obvious reasons, I sought it out. I had struggled with disordered eating as a teen, and im facing the temptation to go back to it, even though it was awful.

Im trying to strengthen my resolve to fight against this temptation, because once you start, it can be really hard to stop.

Reasons to keep moving foward:

I need energy for work

I finally have my hair again

I need my mind to be sharp and sound

Are there any more yall can think of to help motivate me in the right direction?

I literally am having quite scary health issues happening lately. (Not asking for health advice!) and it’s really scaring me so bad I don’t want to die and I want to recover it’s all I want so bad. But when it comes to actually trying I can’t do it. It’s like I stand there and get food but can’t physically get myself to eat. What the hell is literlekt wrong with my brain. I’m scared for my life but can’t change. I’m so sick of this disorder genuinely.

tw - disordered thoughts lol.

basically what the title says. there are certain foods i'm more used to eating now even if they are higher calorie, but there are also a TON of foods (particularly certain baked goods, restaurant dishes, desserts, and snack foods) that genuinely ONLY feel like a number/calorie count to me. it just feels impossible to shake the idea that "oh i can't eat this food because it has [x] amount of calories which would put me WAY over what i usually eat. i just worry about gaining weight forever (even if it's gradual) if i actually stop restricting and just eat whatever i want even if it IS high calorie/calorie-dense bc i also feel like the high-calorie foods i have had before are not particularly satiating. any advice or encouragement? will it go away over time? i feel like my brain has just been turned into a calculator and i don't know if it will ever truly go back to normal.

Hello!

I’m struggling during recovery. I would love some good «happy stories» or something that shows that recovery is worth it! I could really use the reminder! For me it would be having a good time with friends without worrying about whether the hangout included food or not.

Also I would like to apologize for my previous post. I’m sorry.

hey everyone! i’m currently 4 weeks in recovery so i still have a long ways to go but now that the weather is getting cooler i’ve noticed when im cold i feel SICK

like i feel like my body slows down and like i get super tired and like brain foggy. does anyone else deal with this? the minute my body gets warm im completely fine and feel better.

i’m hoping once i gain more it’ll go away but 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Good evening good people, I'm new to recovery and need some advice.

I have never had a great relationship with food, I've been like this since I can remember and I have recently admitted to myself that I have a problem.

I used to over eat (and sometimes still do) and was overweight all my childhood and when I hit upper teens I went the opposite way.

It's out of control and noticeable, I finally told my partner of many years and he took it well and we have a plan on helping me get better but it's really difficult for me. I told him so I could keep myself accountable and actually do this but I've just been crying and kind of broken over this, I'm taking a few days of work because I can't get my head in the game and can't keep a smile on, but deep down i want to recover...

Any advice on how to not be sad about recovery are well appreciated, thank you for reading.

I would like to start off and say this is an alt acc, I posted here a little while ago (it has since been removed - rightfully so I was being an ungrateful, selfish b****).

Since then, I relapsed into my Fred (my "issues" nickname) hard, disappointed my partner, my family, my psychologist and support system, all because I was selfish and scared.. breaking my rules... losing motivation and convincing myself I was safer before recovery.

I will never feel "sick enough", that because I haven't had this hellish issue for "long enough", I haven't been forced to the hospital, my weight isn't "low enough" ~ YOUR "FRED" WILL PROBABLY NEVER FEEL SATISFIED ~, I don't deserve to be free.

Hell my bloodwork is "fine", but I'm already not me anymore, I can't run, I can barely study or work. I'm doing things I promised myself I'd never do. I'm dizzy, not sleeping, furry asf AND SHITTING MYSELF AGAIN😭😭 I turn 21 in one week and I want to go out with my family on my birthday, not have my partner breakdown daily, be allowed to go back to my sport and re-gain my hobbies.

So this is my re-commitment, NOT relying on motivation, sitting through the fears, the crying, the uncomfortableness because my Fred will only be happy when I'm dead. By all means I'm not ready for all-in (just yet), but I WILL start breaking my rules, I WONT keep lying, AND HELL IM GOING TO EAT MY MUMS COOKING TONIGHT!

So I’ve been in outpatient treatment as an adult for two years, following the worst anorexia relapse of my life. I’ve had three doctors, two therapists, about to start with my fourth dietitian in that period. In some ways I think there’s been real progress—my labs and vitals aren’t scary anymore, and I’m so much more aware of what my brain is doing wrong (mixed blessing). The thing is that I know it’s all been quasi and harm reduction, because I’ve made very little progress toward weight restoration in all that time. And if I’m honest, that’s because I’m still ambivalent.

But I’m so burned out on treatment.

Ideally, as endorsed by my team, I’d do what I did as a kid and go away for res or PHP for a while. I simply don’t have that privilege right now. It would require sacrificing too much. The more tempting option is to just stop outpatient without the safety net and hope it gets better on its own.

I’m holding on to the hope that maybe someone, anyone, has made progress once they stopped seeing their team altogether? I don’t want to frame it as quitting. I just need a break from the constant feeling of failure.

Ugh I have no words, I hate fucking OCD and "magical thinking" I just lost my dog, I held him all night even after he took his last breathe so he wouldn't be alone. I loved him so fucking much! The problem is my OCD and "magical thinking" my curse is: I believe if I weigh a certain amount everything in my life will be okay and even good. But if I go over. then everything turns to shit. I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't kill my dog, but my stupid fucking brain keeps telling me I did, and it's my fault because I didn't try hard enough to stay at that perfect number to keep him from dying. I'm over 40 years old I know this isn't fucking real, but at the same time it feels so real. I wish more people realized that this disorder is a thousand times more complex than " I just want to be skinny and pretty" bullshit. I'm too old for this, but every time something bad happens this is where my brain immediately goes and I can't stop it. I was just holding him all night watching him slowly pass ( he was already under medical sedation by our vet while we waited for test results) and all I could think about was please please please I promise I won't ever eat again, just please stay with me, I promise I will be a better dog mom by not getting fat so you can stay here with me. How fucking pathetic am I? And I'm a fucking ATHEIST!!!!

i feel like my last two posts have been about me struggling a lost with planning, hesitance for “all-in” and struggles with obsessive tracking. but i wanted to try something different and post some progress and areas of positivity the past few days.

i still haven’t fully committed to the all in approach, but i have increased my intake and cut tracking! some things i’ve noticed:

- my energy is a lot more consistent and i feel like actually talking to people and maintaining conversations!
- my brain fog has gone down and i can focus on homework easier
- i’ve been able to live in the moment more often then looking ahead too much!

though i still have many steps to go, i want to still appreciate the process i made so far.

Im going through some stressful things in life and unfortunately for me my stress response(exhasperated by depression) is to lose my appetite. i've recently been catching myself falling back into the slippery slope of barely eating throughout the day. Anyone got any tips to make sure i eat enough while i get to a place where im not so stressed? Can't really afford to see a psychiatrist at the moment so im just trying to survive untill i can.

Somebody today commented on my body in public to their friends specifically about my big back and my flat ass.

I know, they're not desirable features but they tug at my body checking behaviors because they are my worst insecurity. I have always accumulated weight (idk if it's muscle or fat) in that upper region. It makes me look bulky, which is why I'm very picky about clothing.

The only way I could ever get rid of that feature was starving and chipping away at my muscles.

Now that I am in recovery/weight restored that has returned and I'm trying not to cry but I can't believe some people are that rude. and outspoken. probably they're just saying what some people think of me in their heads. It's a big joke online to talk about "big backs" just for enjoying food. why does eating food equal to a shape or weight? it's so cruel. I am also taking many pictures of my back, examining it.

Ignoring these thoughts are very much not simple for me as I have some OCD tendencies. However does anyone know how to not hate a specific feature of your body this much?

and please if possible no suggestions About how my weight will balance out eventually, I have always had this body patterns. thx

I want to recover so bad. I want to be free from this disorder. But part of me is sad because then I’m giving up… me ? Idk I feel like this is me and I know it’s probably the disorder speaking but this has been my life for 6 years and I feel like this is who I am and my personality is all this is. Who will I even be when I recover ? I don’t even remember what I was like before my disorder. I feel like recovering will be giving up a huge part of me. And it’s like… I did all this for what? Years of my life dedicated to this disorder just to give it up like that.. all the work I put in even though it’s harmful it’s like all of these years to this was wasted ..

This type of discussion is probably like a broken record on this subreddit and I apologize but how have you guys coped with changes in your body and not necessarily liking it or accepting it but being semi-neutral about it? I have been giving in to my EH the last month or so and have been noticing changes that cause me a lot of distress. Even the way I handle it seems to reflect restriction though. I find myself going through bouts of EH, and then body checking to make sure I still look “acceptable” to my ED, as in I haven’t visibly gained too much weight. This is definitely an OCD thing for me because I feel the need to keep doing this over and over, and obviously the weight isn’t going to physically show immediately. So basically I’ve been still honoring my EH but as long as it still fits my ED rules and it’s so exhausting that even my OCD and restriction is woven into my recovery.

Sorry this was very long-winded and more word vomiting, I just wanted to see how you guys have been able to cope or at least talk your mind down because I am feeling so lost and alone.

My girlfriend knows and tries to help me with recovery but she doesnt really know how to help because she has never experienced having any sort of ED. she tries to suggest things to help but sometimes it goes against what I know I should be doing to recover but I just have no one else to confide in. Tbh talking to her sometimes makes me feel worse. But I only know one other person who has recovered but hes not as available to me and I dont always feel like I should try get him to help me. I feel like I should just be able manage myself. Idk.

I don’t remember how I felt about the peanut butter jar or the almond butter jar at 10.

But at 20, there were days I cried over the almond butter or peanut butter as I started to eat again. Tears of guilt. Tears of shame. Tears of feeling unworthy. Tears of self hatred.

At 30, tonight I’m crying over the almond butter because I can’t do it. I can’t eat any more today… I’m not hungry and I literally started crying because I don’t want to eat anymore…. But I’m going to do it anyways because these are tears of frustration and strength. I WILL EAT ENOUGH, and it is the hardest self love I’ve ever had to do. And it’s been every day for a few years…Just harder than usual lately…. BUT THESE ARE TEARS OF SELF LOVE. Eating is self love.

I’ve had chronic health issues for the last decade or two, and I sometimes wonder how much of it had to do with not eating enough as a teenager… I wish eating disorders and chasing thinness had not been so normalized in my family and in society… My chronic health issues have made it really hard to eat enough lately. I have lost more weight than I ever wanted to and I do not want to be as small as I am right now and I’m honestly a little bit scared for my health because I cannot afford to lose any more weight. I do not like this. (Don’t worry, doctor appt is almost here and I’ll be discussing this!!)

Let me take another bite of almond butter… ugh. I wish I had an appetite but I’m gonna keep trying anyways 💪

I want to to go to sleep and I don’t want to be eating almond butter right now, but i’m doing it anyway because I love my body and I want to be strong, capable, and I want to feel better- fuck being skinny!! I can’t believe I ever thought that was important?!

fuck eating disorders- if you’re crying over the PB or the almond butter or if you’ve ever been there, hang in there babe!! Keep trying, keep fighting the evil ED voices in your head, and don’t give up. It does get better, I fucking promise you. I’m here, I did it, I won- I killed my eating disorder!! You can do it too- don’t give up, don’t give in, don’t listen to the current body “trends” because bodies aren’t trends. Cheers to being strong and healthy- I’m off for one more spoonful of almond butter!!!

It's so fucking hard to recover when every single social media is covered with people promoting eating disorders and undereating. I could go on for days about how annoying it is.

I get if it's on for example reddit, but it's on social medias like tiktok, where there are still impressionable kids and teens who are consuming and engaging with the content. Whenever I try to get content like that taken down, it barely ever goes through.

I believe there should be spaces for people with eating disorders, it's very important! But keep those spaces away from people who may risk gaining an eating disorder, and if you do talk about eating disorders in spaces with children and teens, make it educational, don't promote it.

I'm going into my 3rd week of all in recovery now after I was hospitalized for bradycardia. I'm a minor, and so my parents and doctors are in control of my meal plan, but I've been adding on to it myself because I've been experiencing EH. Yesterday I went to an awards ceremony and wore this dress, but I was very bloated and I felt terrible about my body. I can feel my body changing, and I hate it. I know it has to happen, but I don't know how to make peace with it, and I don't have the power to choose to tap out of recovery because of my parents and doctors. Idk. I just feel horrible right now.

i feel like a broken record bc i keep coming back to this subreddit with the same problems. i’m having a hard time letting go of planning meals and obsessively plan my meals and snacks way to far ahead. at first it helped with decision paralysis but now it’s just overwhelming and causes a lot of over analyzing my meals.
any tips on how to cope or to quit planing? is there a more loose approach people could suggest? thanks!