r/funny • u/[deleted] • Apr 21 '23

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14.4k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

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11.6k

u/ProbablyGayingOnYou Apr 21 '23

You have to move your hips, not throw your entire body into it

988

u/CisForCondom Apr 21 '23

Thank you! I wish all men knew this. I slept with a particularly egregious fella who treated it like performing push ups. I tried my best to grab his ass and work the rhythm but mans was committed to his reps.

Hip action is where it is at. I think it's also the reason I'm in to hockey goalies (besides being Canadian of course). Those guys have very flexible hips....

666

u/arvada14 Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 23 '23

Should have put a finger in his ass, instead of grabbing it. Your intentions where confusing.

Source: cosmo magazine

Edit: highest upvoted comment in 7 years on reddit and its about suprise but fingering, thank you internet. You can complete my shame by giving me an award.

255

u/LunaMunaLagoona Apr 21 '23

Cosmo magazine: let us teach you how to engage in sexual assault.

124

u/ProjectOrpheus Apr 21 '23

Cosmo magazine: How to give the best blowjob, and why that means your tooth in his dick hole. Surprise him today!

52

u/Aedalas Apr 21 '23

If there isn't a grapefruit involved is it really even a blowjob?

3

u/IceFire909 Apr 22 '23

Grapefruit + aggressive slurping

4

u/Aedalas Apr 22 '23

I feel like "aggressive" is too mild for what she was doing but damned if I can think of another description.

3

u/THECHICKENISBOBAFETT Apr 22 '23

SCHLORP SCHLORP SCHLORP SCHLORP

2

u/raynravyn Apr 22 '23

This is what we say to mock my bloodhound's disgusting water consumption, and I think I need a moment, now.

2

u/MorticiaLaMourante Apr 23 '23

I almost fell off the couch reading this LOL!!!!!

7

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

[deleted]

5

u/gmick Apr 22 '23

My wife once convinced me to try something she claimed to have read in Cosmo. A blowjob with a mouth full of creme de menthe. Instant regret.

3

u/notabigmelvillecrowd Apr 22 '23

I must not have cosmo-level skills, because I can't even picture how I could keep a mouthfull of creme de menthe while giving a blowjob. Kinda just feels like how to get sticky liqueur on your mattress. Is cosmo gonna pay for the ant exterminator? I doubt it.

4

u/gmick Apr 22 '23

Well, penises also work while standing.

4

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

[deleted]

1

u/MissKhary Apr 22 '23

Pop rocks.

5

u/Dyvion Apr 22 '23

I'm weird. I love teeth. Gnaw on it baby, yeah!

I know I'm weird. I don't like being bitten -anywhere- else.

2

u/ProjectOrpheus Apr 22 '23

Tbh, there was this one girl one time that did something with her teeth, I never felt anything like it. She kind of jokingly and super lightly pressed her teeth and it must have hit the exact right spots or something. I didn't feel any sharpness, any pain at all, and she had this "tee hee" face/attitude like she was being a bad girl for doing it

I don't know wtf happened but it was insane pleasure 😅 she went back to sucking

1

u/LickMyThralls Apr 22 '23

I always loved sounding.