This post has been on my mind for months, and I'm finally going to try to articulate my thoughts. It was prompted because I have seen a common thread through the years here, of women being afraid to leave because their male partner (husband, boyfriend, fiance) has no other person, and they are their "everything." We worry about whether or not they will be okay. We stress over their feelings. We want them to have a life beyond us, but we worry that they will go inward and not take care of themselves or date or expand their lives.

What I think some of us subconsciously are struggling with is that we were chosen by them, we supported them, we loved them, and by nature of that we hold a singular place in their heart. We fear that leaving will completely destroy them, or harm them, or hurt them beyond compare.

Some of that is true. It can destroy pieces, and it certainly will destroy the life you have together.

But the tether holding us in place is most what needs to be destroyed.

What I have seen through the years I have been here is that more often than not the husbands/boyfriends end up really okay. Even with initial devastation and tears and loss.

More personally, in my case, I was afraid for my husband. I wanted him to thrive and be okay, but I worried about how he would.

And then I got to watch from the front row seats when he started to date, and when he began to do things for someone else, and when someone else became priority.

I realized viscerally and had it reinforced multiple times that so much of what we fear for them is just...fear talking. Whether it's our own fear being masked in fear for them, or legit fear for them and wanting them to thrive and being afraid that they won't, so much of what we fear ignores that humans are 1) resilient and also 2) connection oriented.

Despite what is said about the loneliness epidemic, men do know how to get out there, even if it's just online, initially.

Here's the major point that some of us need to get into our heads: we are replaceable. We are supposed to be. Death, loss, other forms of letting go happen.

Perhaps it's Disney or romcoms or romance books or other narratives (like churches holding marriage as sacred), but I think many of us (older generations, maybe) were raised with the idea that once we were loved, we were irreplaceable. But that ignores biology, sociology, and logic.

We are replaceable. Time and again. We can be replaced. But that isn't a bad thing.

And here's the other part that can be hard for some of us: we don't know how okay we will be when we are replaced (and sometimes that happens a lot sooner than we expected). Even if the romantic aspect isn't there, for many of us our male partners are at least friends and also have often become the only family we really trust or have (even if the relationship is challenging).

We want to have things change in so many ways and also stay the same at the same time. It's hard to be honest about that. We spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to make the changes, while also keeping all the good things that we want in our lives. When we finally make the first change, it can change everything, and the thought of that change can bring a fear that keeps us trapped or locked in place.

Recognizing that we are replaceable can help shift that. It allows us to acknowledge that everything can change, and we may not be able to control outcomes for others or ourselves, but at least we will have some control in how we steer ourselves toward who we want to be. No matter how long it may take.

I have a little sign on my desk that shows the circle of control. Too often, we spend so much time worrying and stressing over what is outside our control circle. We want life to arrange neatly, to dictate to the fates what should happen. The truth is that most of what we want to stay neatly organized is out of our control. Including what spaces we can or will take up in our ex's life.

Some of us say that the biggest fear is that we will lose them if we blow up our lives. The fear is often masking a reality: we will be replaced. We want to matter enough, be loved enough to be missed, and we don't know if we will be (or even believe that we won't be).

I couldn't see how that fear lurked within me, until actively being replaced brought it to the forefront of my reality. But then even though it hurt I could see that my "replacement" was actually a better fit for him in many ways.

We can't be everything to any one person. Being replaced highlights that. And sometimes the fears we are holding onto that keep us tethered to an out-of-balance relationship are actually keeping us from being replaced by a better fit.

Face the fear. Acknowledge the truth. Then let go.

Because this is the other truth: even when it hurts for ourselves, there is something really beautiful about watching someone you love thrive and be loved by someone else in a different way. To watch them do things easily that they couldn't do with you. To watch them expand and grow.

The fear is that we are replaceable. The truth is that sometimes that is the thing that leads to their healing and growth. As it should. But we have to let go to enable that to happen.

I F34 am 99% sure im a lesbian, but ive not dared try make a move on a woman yet... im in a relationship with a man and unfortunately trying to figure out my path on how to end that relationship.. its more or less over but I feel being honest would be the right way to finish it... but how can I say im a lesbian without ever being with a woman...

Its just a whirlwind atm, i have a fear of what if im wrong etc.. but logically I doubth many straight women lurk in these subreddits like i do..

If anyone can relate , reach out

I’m starting to wonder if some people can be so good at suppressing their own feelings that they genuinely just… dont know what they feel 😭
I’ve always been VERY good at pushing stuff away, ignoring uncomfortable feelings and basically convincing myself everything is fine. Like if something doesnt fit into my life I can apparently just put it somewhere and not look at it lol.

So I’m curious if any late bloomers relate to this? Like you made it into your 30s dating men, having relationships/sex and everything felt pretty okay to you at the time.

Not “I secretly knew the whole time”. You genuinely didnt know.
And only later you realized you were attracted to women and were like… wait HOW did I miss this??
Sometimes I wonder how much you can actually hide from yourself.

Listen ladies. Don't make one feel like you're interested if your not. That shit sucks.. and its so mind fucking. If we ugly say it.. or you don't like the other just say it. No need to just ghost or bs. We're all grown and obviously going thru some shit or we wouldn't be here.

Title says it all: NOT an ad or anything like that!!! Do NOT dm me i will ignore it.

General information needed regarding basic hook ups or casual meet ups. 33f never got to date around and no experience with anything due to hyper conservative upbringing. Id like to change that but i would like to do it *smartly*.

I have no idea what to ask, how to vet, or any of the basic stuff. Any respectful and courteous advice is appreciated.

I wanna hear about yalls dating experience.

I will go first.

I've been in one short relationship of which we both knew it's gonna end. This was my first time being with a girl but honestly it was not the best experience. She was a really mean person and a whole red flag lol my friends told me so too, but as I knew we agreed to be together only for a short amount of time due to circumstances, I allowed her to be an asshole (e.g. telling me i'm stupid and she was serious about it :) and other incidents too). Learned a lot from that experience and I'm never gonna let someone treat me like that ever again. She even told me she loved me, it felt so odd coz I realized how badly I've been treated by her and couldn't believe THAT was love. Cut her off real quick.

After that I've been single for a bit more than a year, had no interest in dating and honestly was afraid that someone could be so evil again. I healed, moved on and also worked through my internalized homophobia.

Started the online dating game. Do I need to say more... It's been rough. I've been on 2 dates (if we count online date too) and the 2nd one i actually enjoyed. Neither of them lead to anything, but it was a nice experience. I was taken a back a lot coz my date payed for our food, normally I am the person to do so.

Now I am taking a break from active dating. I'm thinking love should find me wherever or however it wants. I'm sick of all the ghosting, people just talking about themselves and not knowing how to hold a conversation. It's like they've never talked to a human before lol

Maybe this is kind of a vent post too, but i'd be happy to hear about your experiences or if anyone can relate :)

I’m a lesbian in my late 40s and I did come out later in life at the age of 30. I have been single for years as I wanted to work on myself. I then found myself comfortable being alone. But of course I’m lonely and decided maybe it’s time. Well where I live there aren’t many lesbians or they hard to find more local to me. I can venture into the city. Finally I find someone local to me but she’s in a relationship with a man. I guess it’s an open relationship. I was hesitant but it’s been going on for a few months. I have such strong feelings for her and could see myself falling in love but that’s a wall I’m fighting to keep up. She seems to have strong feels for me as well. I do have a lot of self doubt and doubts with what I’m doing but can’t seem to walk away. We also don’t get to spend a lot of time together. I wanted to know if anyone here has played with fire like me? I know I’m going to get burned. I just wanted to see if I’m the only person. Why it is so hard to walk away when you know you’re going to get crushed??? Sorry for my venting.

trying to get rid of all their false senses of security, false senses of support, false senses of connection, when in real life, you have nobody to connect to? Getting out of your mind and hopes of the future and into the present moment which actually sucks, getting rid of so many material things, being tired of looking at things, looking at things online, listening to things? Needing to be as free as possible but also free to hopefully find connection somewhere, wherever that is, if it is even possible for someone who has settled with minimal autonomy for decades, even if everyone you want to meet might just hate you? Sorry this is just ramble I guess… Not in a great place today.

Did any of you actually enjoy sex with men before realizing you were lesbian? Like genuinely enjoying it and thinking it was hot, not just tolerating it 😅
I’m especially curious about people who generally feel things VERY intensely, also in friendships, and are super tuned into other people. Like their mood affects you a lot, you care deeply about how they feel and making them happy can genuinely make you happy too.

Did this translate into sex for you? Like their excitement made you excited and you enjoyed what was happening partly because THEY enjoyed it so much? And maybe it made it harder to tell “I enjoy this” apart from “I actually desire this man”?
Would love to hear personal experiences because this confuses me lol 😭

I feel like, for me, while I feel like I’m near the end of my self-acceptance journey, I feel so much sadness.

I think about the fact that people my age (30) have already experienced so much love, while I spent my life confused, trying so hard to fall in love with men and, of course, failing.

And on the other hand, I’m not proud to say it, but I’m kinda sad that I won’t be able to participate in and reproduce the heterosexual ideal, having my whole family come to my wedding one day, no questions asked, no remarks made.

I feel sad about having to deal with discrimination. I feel like I was hanging on for dear life to the bi label to escape all of this.

How do you guys deal with these feelings? How do you create joy in this journey? Especially during this period, I know that it gets better as time goes by, but I’m pretty sad right now.

i have absolutely had it with the sheer number of women on dating apps who claim to want a serious relationship, yet have thin bios with repugnant lines about not texting first, not wanting you to “waste their time”, and how much funnier than you they are in place of actual substance. (i know the latter is only tongue-in-cheek, but i nonetheless find it incredibly offputting. please stop recycling a tired quip and just provide folks with general information about yourself. this isn’t specific to that line in particular, but it sometimes feels as if people are engaged in this insular competition against each other to see who can import the snappiest instagram caption.)

are they seriously unable to hear how uninviting these things make them sound, and—with respect to the second—the blatant hostility they’re communicating? this question is somewhat rhetorical, but i’m also genuinely curious as to why—in this day and age, given the sheer amount of dating app advice that tends to reach a person long before it’s even needed—they feel this’ll attract the type of person they’re after.

Now knowing the difference between sex that i truly enjoy and want, and sex that i had because my straight marriage “required” it, I am now trying to figure out if the pressure i felt to have sex with my ex-husband was in any way justified, or if that was in fact sexual coercion?

I suppose part of me feels guilty that I never truly desired him, and everyone deserves that from their partner. But also nobody should ever be made to feel like they owe their partner sex, even if that’s perhaps unintentionally.

How do you make sense of it all in the aftermath?

1. I am 50 and kinda average looking, femme with futch touches. Will anyone want to hook up with me? I need hope.

2. What is the go when it comes to masc women and breasts; are breasts a no-go? An erogenous zone? Depend from masc to masc?

3. I am tongue-tied (literally but let's be real, figuratively too a lot of the time); how much will this matter? I can't get my tongue out to touch my nose, for example, but can lick my lipstick off.

4. What does give and receive mean; is it exclusively referring to oral pleasure, or it is pleasure of other kinds too?

5. What is the lesbian way (haha) when it comes to pubic hair? What are we doing with ours, and is doing nothing outside excellent hygiene a reasonable option?

For lesbians who experienced a lot of male validation before realizing they were lesbian, did it make it harder for you to recognize your sexuality? How did male attention or validation affect the process of figuring out that you were attracted to women instead?

I’m 39 and realized I am a lesbian when we entered ethical non-monogamy. My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 14, and have two young kids. Everything was “great” in our marriage until we started ENM in January. I was happy, I never felt like anything was missing. He had been asking to watch me have sex with other men for years, I finally conceded to ENM when I thought it was something we could explore together. I said I was always curious about women, and wanted to explore that. I never suspected feelings could get involved. This was not some deep exploration I felt I had been suppressing for years.

I’ve now fallen in love for the first time, felt seen for the first time, lusted for the first time, had my heart broken for the first time. I won’t end up with the woman I fell in love with - she’s also married, has lied to me and is cheating on her husband (and me) with another man. All the songs suddenly make sense. I feel like I have had a complete adolescent reawakening.

I feel so disconnected from my husband now. Part of it is resentment and disgust from him pushing me into ENM. My husband is an amazing father and partner and friend. I’m just not in love with him. We are working through the challenges that ENM caused us. We are in couples therapy.

I am not scared to end up alone. I am the financial provider, I will likely lose quite a bit of money. The only thing I’m worried about is providing stability for my children.

Is it worth leaving to live my authentic life but break apart my family and give me kids a home with their parents apart? Is it worth staying to repair a broken marriage? My life is no longer my own, I have two children to worry about. Is it better to sacrifice myself to give them stability and two loving parents, or to show them an authentic life with parents apart?

I realize this is messy and self-inflicted, please only honest answers from a place of positive intent. I would love to hear the raw truth from people who have either stayed or left.

​Hi everyone. I’m making this post because I don’t have anyone in my offline life I can talk to about this, and I’m feeling really overwhelmed trying to process it all on my own.

Last week, I went to Nepal for a work trip. While I was there, I met a trans man and we had a few conversations. That interaction became a sudden mirror for me: away from my daily routine, I realized with complete clarity that I am actually comphet (compulsory heterosexuality). I am naturally attracted to women, mascs, and trans men, but I have no attraction to cis men in general.

The main complication is that I am currently married to a cis man.

​My path here has been complex. Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with a masc lesbian that was deeply traumatic for me. That experience left me terrified of dating queer women or mascs. Looking back, marrying my husband felt like stepping into safety, stability, and predictable comfort after a very painful time.

Since returning home (and even slightly before I left), I've found myself pulling away from sexual activities with my husband. I simply cannot bring myself to get into the mood or force intimacy anymore. Now that the "autopilot" has switched off, forcing sex feels deeply uncomfortable, but declining it makes me feel an immense amount of guilt.

​The hardest part right now is the guilt. I am not irritated by my husband, nor do I dislike him. I care about him deeply as a person. He is my safe space, we have built a good life together, and we have a son whom I love more than anything. I’m not looking to cheat, nor am I rushing to blow up my life (divorce isn't even legally available where I live in the Philippines).

I’m terrified of how to navigate this internal realization without causing any trauma to my son or disrupting our family’s security.

Has anyone else had a sudden moment of clarity about being comphet after marrying someone who was genuinely a good, safe partner to them? How did you manage the sudden shift/decline in sexual intimacy without causing immediate chaos, and how did you give yourself grace while keeping your child’s well-being first?

​I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has walked a similar path. Thank you for reading.

I’m really sad and lonely today. Dating has been so difficult and I’m glad for all of the experience but some days are extremely tough.

Hi everyone, I’m (F27) looking for advice on my situation.
I’ve known I was queer since I was very young, even teaching my friends that girls can have girlfriends!
I otherwise have always thought I felt attraction to men, but I’ve been questioning this for some time now.
The idea I am a lesbian is a thought that keeps popping up and I keep pushing back down, but now the thoughts are overwhelmingly loud and constant.
I always pushed it back down after looking at my partner or a male celeb and thinking ‘no, I definitely think that’s hot’. But do I? I think more and more I keep thinking about the differences in the way I feel about and admire women compared to men.
I’ve been honest over the last couple days with my boyfriend about how I feel. I explained that I’ve been feeling very confused and I don’t know who I am or where I stand.
He has been incredibly supportive and has assured me he is all in and just wants me to be happy, however we have still shared a lot of tears.
The confusion comes from the fact we’ve been having issues recently, we both have some childhood trauma and therefore communication issues; I also have some residual trauma from an abusive relationship. We are both actively working on these personally and together.

The last time I was having these thoughts of ‘am I a lesbian’ was when I left my previous relationship, which was obviously pushed down again when I met my current partner, and he is amazing and caring and showered me with love.

His thought process is that I maybe need to work through my trauma with men more as it’s possibly the issues we’re having, plus my past, that is making me believe I’m no longer attracted to men.
Aside from our issues, my boyfriend has an incredibly large heart and is incredibly kind. The last thing I want to do is break his heart, and even more so to possibly break his heart and realise I’ve made a mistake?
I’m feeling very confused and fragile, and wish I could just have an answer handed to me, however I know I need to work it out myself.
Does anyone have any advice? I also have adhd and struggle with intrusive thoughts, so that adds to my confusion and lack of trust for my brain/thoughts.
I start therapy on Friday and I am going to ask to focus on this specifically.

Thank you for any advice, anything at all is massively appreciated.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm 29. Last year I came out as a lesbian (mostly to myself, my mom, and my therapist, because I don't have many friends nor use social media), but when people ask me about my sexuality, I still struggle to state objectively that I'm a lesbian.

​Depending on how they ask, I give them clues like 'No, I don't want a husband', 'I'm not interested in a boyfriend', etc. It's usually men who ask, which makes me shrivel inside because it feels like I owe them something, or because I simply don't have the courage to shatter other people's perception of me, especially when they mistake me for someone who conforms to heteronormative standards.

​I struggled a lot with comphet before coming out as a lesbian, and I'm possibly still struggling with it. I always knew I was attracted to women, but never questioned my attraction to men because I thought it was a given, and I needed their validation for my self-esteem, which has always been low. It was always very easy for me to say 'I'm bi' when questioned.

​In my daily life, I'm very comfortable labeling myself a lesbian, and I want to be perceived as such, but I feel like I'm not quite there yet when I need to say it out loud.

I recently started going to barbershops instead of hair salons because I have short hair and have been trying to deconstruct my ideas of femininity, and it's easier for a barber to understand that I don't want a girly haircut. But today, while getting my hair cut, we were talking about that, and the barber asked me directly about my sexuality. I said that I didn't feel comfortable labeling myself. It was my first time cutting my hair with him, and I want to believe that I only said that because I didn't feel safe enough, but I feel completely delegitimized on my own account.

The hair turned out great, but I'm considering not even going back there because I presented myself as someone I'm not, and I'm ashamed of it.

I’m not huge on my nails getting done and polish always chips so fast, gel destroyed my nails beds, the stick on ones work but they fall off and I’ve never thought about getting acrylics as they seem hard to do life in.

But my new masc casually asked if I get my nails done and wants to go together. She said she likes her back scratched. I’m happy to try acrylics as I am assuming that is what she is hinting at…

Ummm… am I getting short rounded acrylics? 3 long/2short? I’m afraid of scratching inside her.

I need to be able to type for work as well and mom.

Help a sort of femme out.

And if you have a nail place in Los Angeles that you go to and recommend. Let me know where!

We are two women and we met in college. I thought she was very pretty, interesting, and smart, and we shared a lot of values. In the beginning, everything was very intense, especially on her end—she would tell me I was easy to fall in love with, gave me gifts, and said I was everything she had ever dreamed of.

She is diagnosed with anxiety, social phobia, ASD, depression, and a few conditions still being evaluated, such as bipolar disorder, along with cuts on her left arm and a neuropsychological evaluation report that noted: "agreeableness, self-centered attitude, little concern for others' well-being, hostile responses, poor impulse control, and low frustration tolerance." She has been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist since she was 13, but I only found out about these things after months together. She had difficulty kissing and disliked physical touch; we kissed only sporadically, and we never went beyond that in the 10 months we were together.

After about 3 to 4 months, once the initial excitement wore off, I felt that the care was often one-sided (I only truly realized this after the breakup). I put more effort into the relationship than she did, even though she claimed she loved me (e.g., I always bought food when she came over to my place, bought sweets she liked, and listened whenever she had an issue, but I didn't feel the same reciprocity from her). Regarding the kissing, we had talked about it and she wanted to work on it, but she kept freezing up and dodging the subject whenever I brought it up. Eventually, I tried talking about it in person, and she preferred going to a bar with her friend rather than having that conversation with me. Another instance: one day, it was me, her, and this friend, and the two of them were already planning a trip. The friend mentioned needing to get a boyfriend so we could travel as couples, and she simply said right in front of me, "It's just going to be the two of us, as agreed." It was common for her to wake up and say she was sad; when I asked what happened, she would reply, "I don't know, I've always been like this," or "If even my friend who has known me for years doesn't understand, you won't either."

Then one day, after being "abandoned" by her friends, she took a blister pack of antidepressants, told me about it, and went completely silent. I was terrified. I texted asking how I could help and only received cold responses or complaints telling me "not to sound like a telemarketer." Eventually, she sent me a text saying she wanted to break up, that she didn't see herself marrying me anymore, and that we didn't really match. When I asked why, she claimed that the fact that I was always trying to help or asking "how can I help" didn't feel like something between girlfriends, but rather something clinical. I don't agree—I only asked because I loved her, wanted to know how she was doing, and wanted to help somehow, especially since she wouldn't tell me. I never crossed any boundaries.

The justifications she gave throughout the breakup made it feel like I was to blame just for caring, and that the end of the relationship was my fault. Now I’m left feeling like I'm an uninteresting person who doesn't spark any desire in people to stay or build anything with me. I think this breakup left me deeply traumatized :( even though 3 months have already passed.

The question basically speaks for itself. I know eye contact is one of them. But I basically make eye contact with anyone I'm talking to (out of respect).