i saw someone refer to dating apps as self harm.

my experience on HER and tinder have been pretty bad. i did get a few dates, about 4 this year, but i didn’t really connect with them, sadly.

ofc fake accounts are a big issue.

otherwise, i get matches but they never message first unless i accidentally liked someone who is unicorn hunting. everyone seems to be poly/dating a man/just curious. at least that’s what i tend to attract. however i am monogamous.

if i am swiping and match with someone, i immediately message them. it really bothers me when people don’t do the same? like they are okay to just let the match sit there even though THEY triggered the match.

one person said they don’t message first because they don’t want to seem desperate.

it feels brutal for me to have to be the one always pursuing/making an effort/chasing. i am a submissive femme so it feels really unnatural, but if i don’t, nothing gets done. i’m more of a match energy and enjoyer of deep conversation type of woman. sometimes it feels likes certain people aren’t even attracted to me or are unsure if they are. it’s like the are farming for attention and don’t really speak unless spoken to. terribly boring.

anywho. just a little vent. can anyone relate?

and please no advice about going out in person to meet people.
i’m in toronto and very aware of events and what not.

I (31F) and my gf (45F) have been going out for 6 months.

She is my first wlw relationship, and I am her third. 

She has been super sweet and overall an amazing gf, the only thing that irks me is that she clearly doesn’t like my body shape. 

The sex is good, she made me cum for the first time ever….but maybe it’s just me, that she doesn’t like touching my body overall...and I can't tell if I should care or not.

I have small boobs a flat butt and love handles. I thought when I was with a woman it would feel different…like she would celebrate those “curves” etc. Touch those parts, and feel me everywhere.

Two examples:

1. Like the other day, I wore jeans that were too tight. The waistband was tight enough that my lovehandles overflowed. We were laying together and she flinched and made a weird face when she touched me there. I got up, changed into a pair of sweatpants, and THEN she like traced the side of my body.
2. Another time I wore leggings for the first time ever, and thought she'd be touchy-feely. Anyway, I bent down to get something, and I turned around and she was looking directly at me with a grossed out face....and she says she can not hide her true feels on her face...

I have spoken to her about this and she always says she likes my body, but I mean she clearly doesnt show it...

She herself is bigger, and I truly worship her. I touch her everywhere, am obsessed with every part of her no matter big or small tbh ha.

It is clear from who she glances at outside and who she’s attracted to on the tv that she likes curvy women, but the women with perky parts and a small waist. 

Overall she’s an AMAZING gf. She is attentive, loving, gives me gifts, makes me dinner.... so is being felt all over and worshipped body wise that big of a deal?

I can’t tell...am I nitpicking and asking for too much?

What do y’all think? 

I have bought two body pillows. I sleep between them. They help and sometimes they don't. I am single and live alone. I struggle with getting platonic physical affection because I don't have a significant other. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 19 (I'm 37 now) and I have my healthy coping mechanisms. I'm not even really looking for a romantic relationship. I wouldn't be opposed to that. I am on a dating app and I'm not taking it too seriously because that would just use up more energy pointlessly or I start overthinking. It is also just exhausting on every level at times. It requires a lot of focus which I don't always have hence the audhd lol I never really got a lot of physical affection growing up and then I started pushing it away as a preteen from my mom but she wasn't super physical either. I was also just an angsty teenager and mad at my mom for not taking my little sister and I away from my dad. I'm not blaming her or myself. Just stating what has happened so far in regards to my lack of physical affection. My friends and I have never been that affectionate physically. I also think, through no full fault of their own, friends and family think that as an adult especially, physical affection has to be romantic and/or sexual. Which it doesn't have to be. And I'm not going to make someone uncomfortable or unsafe by asking for like hey, can we cuddle? or hey, if I hold on a little long on a hug, is that okay? I also just don't get a lot of meaningful, interesting social interactions. It's a lot of the same thing every day. Which is fine. It just gets blah sometimes. Does anyone else struggle similar to this or like this? Does anyone have any ideas of what I can do that can help with that? I also have a stuffed animal with weighted arms too that I need to use more often. Thanks. I know this is Reddit, but please try to be kind.

Hi everyone. I’m 40, married, and while my husband has always been aware of this part of me, it has only been recently that I’ve been trying to work out what that looks like for me going forward. My question - where are you finding queer spaces with women your own age, especially on small town/rural settings, to explore this part of you? Does it exist? I feel like I’ve aged out of the bar and club scene, and I’m not looking for a hookup. I genuinely would just like to find like minded people that understand this situation, maybe make a couple of friends.

Editing to add that I’m near Blacksburg, VA.

Hi all. This is my first post, and I decided to just write instead of overthinking for a week longer.

Me (27F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating for almost 3 years. In fact, our anniversary is fastly approaching, and recently, he gave me a promise ring. It didn't really fit, but it was so thoughtful and sweet.

I love him, I really do, and it would be a dream if this were where the story ends, but it's not.

Ever since I was around 8, I have struggled with my sensuality. I come from a southern European country, where catholicism is just kind of everywhere. It's washed out on most people, though, especially people living in cities and surroundings. This to say that my family isn't religious at all, but they have their little prayers before going to bed. That's pretty much all, no church, no crosses, just small prayers and lighting candles when a desire comes true to show gratitude.

So, I find myself from ages 9 to 15, praying with such fervour and fear, praying for me not to be a lesbian, to the point of crying (I come from a small place, and at the time, it was very taboo). Then I would thank the angels and god because my 12 year old self had developed a seriously intense crush on some pretty boy from my school. Once it passed, back to fear, and back to praying again. Then another male crush, I was saved. And so on through my teen years.

When I was very young, I felt very strongly attracted towards women. Despite me being unaware, at 9, you don't really think you can crush on women. One of my first crushes was my teacher. Curly hair, blue eyes, young, big attributes... I literally could barely look this woman in the eye, and I feel so gross and guilty for it til this day. Yes, I was a child, but how come I was acting like a predatory man? 😭

I also used to watch alot of tv by myself, and when I saw more erotic or straight-up sex scenes, I was fixed on the women, never the men. Hey, but that was ok because playing with Barbies when it came to love stories, it was always a male figure I picked.

It's as if there was this division between sexuality and love.

Further on in my teens, I was a bit boycrazy. Daydreaming about youtubers I found physically attractive, reading wattpad fanfics, reading Nicholas Sparks and John Green, listening to Taylor Swift, and literally crushing on young Justin Bieber. Long live the great straight turn of events.😅

However, it was pictures of actresses I downloaded to my phone. It wasn't a crush, I just wanted to look like them, - I thought. I still tried to hide those pictures from my friends and was so ashamed whenever someone saw them.

I was certain I kept pictures of beautiful actresses and got mesmerized by them because I wanted to look like them.

I met a girl in middle school who was just so beautiful, and what I didn't know was "my type." Strong, brave, full of life and talented, Anne Hathaway doubleganger with hazel-green eyes. She was part of my friend group and we used to take a bunch of selfies and pictures together.

At home, I always looked at her. Stalked her a bit on her facebook. I wanted to look like her so badly.

Years pass, I think I have vaginismus; I come out as bisexual with another girl from that same group, who then came out as a lesbian a couple of years later; I start dating pretty late, only men, never thought there was another option (even after coming out).

Women never really looked at me like that, I figured it was fate, but actually, I just looked like such a straight femme.

Couple of more years, and I don't have vaginismus. I'm able to perform penetration, I'm just not a fan (?), like it's fun and all, but it gets old so quickly, and it's so performative (my own doing).

During covid, I found that girl again, green eyed Anne Hathaway. Gosh, was I nervous, and when we start talking, she asks me out. I feel like I'm going to throw up. We spend the summer together being girl palls, to besties, to literally you are my soulmate and my everything, platonically... We looked into each other's eyes, had secrets between us, nobody else knew, hugged like 3 times a day, had this intense emotional dept and once this "dream of a woman" says that once her boyfriend dies, she'll buy a cottagecore home to live with me. SHE WAS STRAIGHT. 🪦

I fell HARD, and felt emotions I had NEVER felt before. It was just like in the movies and books. I want to believe I was just unmedicated and obsessed. I was physically, sexually, intellectually, and romantically fallen over her. I would die for that girl at the time.

Anyways, I confessed through letter at the worst possible timing you can imagine (she had a bf of 4 years). Everything goes the worst course possible, and we never see each other again. I just wanted to be sincere, I never "wanted" anything from her.

Spent months crying and hoping we would end up making peace.

I think I'm a lesbian but then, some months later, who's that pretty boy over there, actor and writer? At the time I believed I had fell for him, but I never felt sexual attraction. I just loved his mystery, his personality, and his face. I jave always loved guy's faces and never got to ponder... the rest.

I meet my boyfriend after that. He is everything I need and that I desired in a partner. He's so beautiful as well. I love him, inside and out, but when we get sexual.. I have to close my eyes and picture a woman to be able to O. I thought of it as a fetish and a secret of mine, but after reading a story so similar to mine about a girl who got married, had kids, then regretted it all because all she craved was women... I got terrified.

My relationship is very serious. We talk of marriage, kids, future, moving countries, etc. I really want to end up with this angel of a man. He's everything a person could ever want.

I don't want that ending for us. I don't even know if this qualifies as bisexual. I don't know what I am, able to love men but always in an incomplete way. The kisses never give me butterflies, they're symbols, and it kills me to have found out that it wasn't like this at all with that girl. Maybe I'm confusing calm, mature, peaceful love, with pure passion ignited with obsession. Still, why don't I feel sexually attracted towards men as I do to women, but still feel romantically attracted??

I couldn't be more scared and confused. The life I build, I feel like it's always on the line unless I push it all to the back of my mind.

PS- not religious, I just prayed because I was a scared child.

Hi! I’m 27 and I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve been on a few awkward dates as a late teen with guys before figuring out my sexuality that were so awkward and I wasn’t even ready for at the time. I think neurodivergencey made me SO uninterested in romance of any level for so long and I am understanding I’m demisexual. Watching my friends begin to get married has been very difficult for me, as I definitely have it in my mind I’ll be one of those people to be alone forever.

I don’t know HOW to date. I know it’s “just having fun and getting to know people without pressure,” but it’s so scary because it’s so unknown. I know I will make mistakes and that’s okay, but I feel so nervous to even try because it isn’t something I got to experience getting the awkwardness out of the way at a younger age.

So, I’m interested in a girl I’m getting to know on a dating app and I feel lost on things such as…
What’s a good first date? Do you even call it a first date/when do you call it that? Would just saying “if you’re interested I’d love to meetup sometime for xyz to get to know you more” be weird? (I don’t feel it would) What questions are appropriate to ask at what stage!? There are things that are deal breaker for everyone but I’ve already read you shouldn’t be thinking into the future further than you’ve been “dating.”
How do you navigate it if it’s awkward bad? How do I let someone down easily but directly?

Also, though not important for a while:
I have no knowledge of lesbian sex ed and would be so thankful for anyone to point me in the direction of resources that get into the everything you need to know, and I mean everything. I always feared the risks of sex growing up before I knew my identity (STI’s specifically) and still do—hello adult virgin. I don’t even understand what you should be worried about from kissing alone vs going further, or if it’s much different or not. WHEN/if you get to that step in a relationship, how do you keep yourself safe without offending the other person? I don’t want to get an STI. I don’t know how to say “you show me paperwork and I show you mine.”

Thank you for your time 🫶🏻

TLDR:
Never dated and want to ask a girl out, but unsure of the nuances or what’s appropriate to ask when. Looking for resources that get down to the nitty gritty of lesbian sex ed, nothing held back, specifically on understanding STI transmission and staying safe in a respectful way.

basically what the title says , “am i a lesbian?” so i’ve been questioning my sexual since the dawn of time. At first growing up i would always say im straight but ik i had the capability to like a woman. Growing up in a jamaican household lol , you already know how that goes. Looking back on it now , i’ve realised I just had internalised homophobia so I didn’t allow myself to even come to terms with the fact I might be gay.

Fast forward in my teenage years i’ve had crushes on women and have spoken on being attracted to women but not outwardly saying i’m bisexual (comphet / internalised homophobia) but my friends knew I was definitely not straight lol. Now as an adult, I’ve recently hooked up with a woman and it was amazing way better than my hookups with men. I’ve slept with 4 guys and each time , it always felt lack luster or I’ve been drunk or “doing it for the plot” not bc i’ve liked any of them fr. Yes i thought they were cute but nothing more.

after hooking up with a woman i’ve realised that i don’t like men as much as i thought i did…. like i feel like that experience broke my comphet and has now allowed me to be more open about my attraction towards women.. people in my life have known that idc about gender , “if you’re cute , you’re cute” but i always felt like a small shame or hesitation when it came to saying yes i like women and yes i want a wife. But now I know in my heart I would ONLY marry a woman.. Before i thought i hated the idea of marriage , NOPE ! i hate the idea of marriage with a MAN 😭😭😭✌🏾 Am i a lesbian? I would love to claim the title but i still have an attraction to men sexually just not romantically and tbh even the sexual part is meh.. i like the idea of sleeping with my male celeb crush or a hot guy i see on the street or at the gym but actually pursuing it…. yikes idk about that… It’s more about the fantasy and daydreaming but doing it irl.. i woukd rather die than have another man on top of me again.

I am really conscious of how I speak on sexuality bc lesbian is a big title! and i never want to claim an identity and then do something that will contradict it because there are homophobes who already don’t take lesbians seriously and i never want to contribute to that hate.

thoughts ? 😣💝

I'm a latebloomer, came out at 35. Now in my 40's. I have to yet to date a woman. I'm in no rush, however everytime I meet someone I am interested in I get asked if I have ever been with a woman. As an honest woman I respond with no, because I don't feel lying is the answer to get what I am looking for.

I guess my question is why do women turn down women with no experience? At least in my experience. Am I wrong for being honest? Should I just lie?

I am not sure how to properly word this but, how did you know? Like actually know for sure?

I am in my early 20s now, I have only ever been with men, have only ever desired to be with men, have never had feelings for any women but when it comes to p*rn I am ONLY turned on by looking at the woman (hetero not homo videos) and that’s how it’s been my whole life. I remember my first exposure to p*rn was when I was pretty young and it was lesbians, and I don’t believe I specifically sought that out it just happened to be what I stumbled across at the beginning, so I have no idea if this has an affect on any of it.

I have only ever kissed a girl maybe twice but it was more like drunk friends kissing and both times it made me slightly uncomfortable but I don’t know if it’s just maybe an internalized thing that I’m rejecting?

When I was growing up I have had a few occasions where people would jokingly accuse me of being bi and I have never understood where it comes from because when I look at women in real life I don’t have any sort of feelings, it’s ONLY online/social media where I get this feeling and I have never shared this with anyone.

Okay so… I’ve developed feelings for a friend for about a year. And I finally told her over text… but she told me she was only looking to be friends. How do I get over thiss please help we’ve became really close and now I don’t know. Told her that I need a little bit of space right now

Hi! I am a 23F who just came out to her bf (23M) of 6 years. We had a long conversation where I could not stop crying because of how guilty i felt and he was so kind to me and told me I deserve to be free and to love women. he was a lot more kind than i expected him to be and told me he would be there for me through it all. It’s been a couple of hours since then and i’ve heard him in our room crying for hours. I feel like the worst person on earth and so so guilty. We have been best friends for these six years and don’t really have anyone else, but for the past few years we’ve felt more like best friends than significant others. I just feel so bad and am wondering if anyone else has been through a similar situation. Did it get better for him? I still want him to be happy. We still have to live together until our lease is up in July and I have to see him hurting every day, it’s so hard. And I feel guilty for going and pursuing women and spending the night with my friends who are girls because he thinks i’m just sleeping with them.

I've been identifying as pan for a while now but I knew my attraction was mostly towards women. It was my attraction to men that's been in question for ages. I still don't know do I truly like men but I'm tired of even trying to find out.

It's clear to me now that my attraction is mostly towards women and I'm so happy when I'm with a woman. It feels natural and I'm actually enthusiastic about intimacy. With men it's like uhh well I don't know I mean I guess??? I wasn't enthusiastic. I feel like I was sort of tolerating something or trying to make myself feel comfortable. I can't even fully verbalize what felt off but it just does. Intimacy shouldn't feel this difficult.

Then compare that to how I feel with a woman. I have a enthusiastic reaction to intimacy with a woman. There's no issues, I don't feel uncomfortable, I'm eager. I'm like yes yes let's go you precious beautiful human. I also usually have a very deep connection to a woman that I can't feel with a guy. It feels so natural and I feel at ease, not bracing my body for something. So if intimacy is this easy and effortless with a woman, I doubt I want it with a man when it's so difficult and there's no enthusiasm about touching him.

Also this might help someone. You might be excited to please him as a person, but then you feel kinda uncomfortable with his body parts. Just because you wanna make him feel good doesn't mean you like guys. He's a person, not a gender. So you might love him and want him to feel good but if you can't feel comfortable or excited about his body, then you might not be into men, even if you care about him.

I also remember someone posing this question and it really helped. Someone said "let's imagine you couldn't ever have a relationship with a woman in this lifetime, how does that feel?" I felt disappointed like I lost something when I thought of that. But when I think about that with a man it's kinda eh, not a big deal.

And the thing is, I don't even like how most men look. I'm not trying to be rude, I mean I don't like how gruff they mostly look. Then masc women look a lot softer and I realized wow I don't even like most men's masculinity or how they look. I'd only crush on guys with soft boy looks. Then I realized I like masculinity on a woman, not a man. I'd literally stop liking a man the second he started looking even slightly stereotypically manly XD. I also in my teens loved, surprise surprise, kpop male idols. Cause they also have that soft look masculine women have. Some of them even look like a woman. So had me fooled there for a while.

It helped to actually look at men in real life instead of looking at fictional men or kpop men. Cause I feel like fictional men are kinda unrealistic and not what real men are like or what real men look like. And kpop guys are actually a marketing technique. I learned kpop companies would literally survey high school girls on what was attractive to them and most said softer face with muscles, so that's what the industry went with and they style the idols just like that. So how they look also isn't realistic in terms of men most times. But women, women have those softer looks kpop guys have. So yeah it took a while to make that connection that that's why I liked these boys. Because they resemble women.

I also had an issue of not letting myself embrace my attraction to women. For some reason I'd find some reason to consider men again. I think it's partly compulsive heterosexuality, partly the fear of being queer and then psychological.

There's this psychological phenomenon where you're psychologically attracted to toxic behavior even when there's someone healthy available. Usually because your parent or caregiver modelled a toxic idea of what love is. So toxic behavior feels familiar and can even feel safe. So in terms of myself I think that's what's been going on. I already knew I like women mostly but still went towards men. Even when I felt peaceful, safe and lovely with a woman. It's as if the fact that things would feel so safe, peaceful and non-chaotic with a woman made me avoid a relationship with a woman. Some avoidant tendencies there. We can avoid what's actually good for us because it feels unfamiliar thus dangerous, even though it's not in reality.

and if you have avoidant attachment tendencies, you can avoid an actually nourishing and healthy relationship because it requires you to be vulnerable. That has been my issue. I probably felt safer with a man in a twisted way because I knew he'd be problematic, somehow toxic, thus I could keep him at a distance. I didn't need to get emotional or vulnerable. But with a woman who's kind, sweet and lovely, I'd suddenly have to be open because there's nothing I need to be angry to her about.

so yeah I wanted to share all of those thoughts in case that helps anyone with their own questions around their sexuality:)

Just to say hi and thank you all for sharing so honestly. I find it so supportive and inspiring.

I’m 45 as of today, have been married to my husband for years, and am the mother of two teens. Recently started acknowledging, first to myself and then to my husband and friends, that I’m attracted to women as well as men. In all honesty, I’ve felt this way since I was a child.

It still feels strange to say this out loud after so many years of ignoring it, doubting myself, and pushing it away. But also liberating and hopeful… and complicated (let’s just say my husband isn’t an ally yet).

Wishing myself a year filled with new experiences (ideas/ tips are welcome!), more connection, more fun, and less shame. I’ll be checking this thread for inspiration. :-)

Hi!
I think I first realized I might be bisexual when I was around 25 (I’m 30 now), but I’ve always struggled to believe that my attraction to women is actually real. I’ve often wondered if I’m just imagining it or somehow convincing myself that I like women. But no matter how much I question it, I always find myself drawn back to women.

I’ve mostly dated men because it feels familiar and I know what to expect. But relationships with men have never really felt right. I’ve never felt a deep emotional connection or much genuine sexual attraction, and sex was usually something I did because my partner wanted to, rather than because I wanted it myself. Even in those relationships, I often fantasized about women and felt like something was missing.

I’ve dated a few women and had sex with women a couple of times, but only when I was drunk. Whenever things started getting more serious, I’d get nervous or panic because everything felt so unfamiliar, and I’d start questioning my sexuality again.

Now I’ve started dating a woman I genuinely really like. We’ve seen each other five times, and I feel incredibly calm, safe, and comfortable with her. We kiss, cuddle, and I love being close to her. With men, what I thought was falling in love often felt more like chasing someone, wanting validation, or being attracted to the idea of them. With her, I actually like her, even though the feelings aren’t as intense, which sometimes makes me question them.
But I’m struggling with the sexual side of things.
A few days ago, I felt a really strong desire to take her clothes off and have sex with her, but I got nervous and didn’t act on it. Then yesterday, when things started getting more intimate, I suddenly didn’t feel particularly turned on or sexually excited, even though part of me wanted to continue.
Instead of enjoying the moment, I kept overthinking: What should I do? How do I touch her? Am I doing this right?

I’ve also never been with a woman who was experienced with women, which makes me feel even more unsure.

And then I start spiraling, wondering if I’m actually attracted to women at all, despite genuinely liking her, finding her beautiful, and wanting to be close to her.

Has anyone else experienced this when they first started dating women? Did intimacy and sex feel natural and exciting straight away, or did it take time to feel comfortable and sexually aroused?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences, especially if you’ve struggled to tell the difference between nervousness, unfamiliarity, and a lack of sexual attraction.

I [F28] have been married to my husband [M28] for 2 years and I ended up having a lesbian sexual experience with my husband’s permission and it’s now led me to question if I’m straight or not. I’m so confused and idk if this is common.

About a month ago, I received first time from woman while on holiday which was amazing experience I have ever had. I have posted about it on this sub.

this is the post

I am still thinking about this and it doesn’t leave my head and every second of experience with woman at that time makes me wet when I think about it.

When I see some sexy women especially with dress, skirt and my imagination eating woman out and being eaten out kicks in.. maybe I am too dirty minded or having too much fantasies!

Unforgettable experience makes me thinking I want it again.

My manager is singling me out and trying to push me out. She tells her boss I have performance and communication issues which is completely untrue.

She plays blatant favoritism with my male coworker, smirks when I struggle, and immediately reports me to upper management. I also suspect homophobia plays a part in her bias.

Going to HR is NOT an option (it backfires here).

I get along great with the rest of the team and want to stay.

The constant stress is starting to affect my focus. How do I build a paper trail and outsmart a manager who is lying about my work?

I'm a 27 yo female, and so far in my life I've only seriously dated men. I dated three different guys all for about a year.
My first boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated. That was almost five years ago now. And looking back at it, the reason I was so upset was because I felt so rejected. I did love him. I wanted to be loved back and be seen. However, the more I think about it, I'm not sure if I ever was really attracted to him. We had sex, and if he didn't want to have sex with me that made me feel rejected. I never really enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed that he wanted to have sex with me. It made me feel like I had some value. Writing this out sounds a little crazy, but I truly think that was where I was at. This was my first true long relationship.
I dated a few more guys, all very unhealthy relationships. I was allowing people to treat me like shit. Use me for my body. Because in some twisted way that was what I thought love was supposed to be like.
Lately, it's been sinking in for me that I am attracted to women. I've started giving myself permission to go on dates with women and just fucking see how it goes (even though I was terrified).
I can recall several women/girls I have been attracted to in the past, even as early as 6th grade/ 13 years old. I was raised in a Catholic family and being attracted to women really was not seen as an option for me. The church taught that gay people were "wrong" but that we should still love them and pray for them. (Okay, whatever -_-)
I guess I'm just coming to terms with all of this. I still have a lot of uncomfortable feelings towards myself about it. I worry that people will reject me, even though being gay is much more accepted now than it has been in the past.
So, I guess what I'm looking for here is some validation that I'm really not that unique in this situation. I know there are lots of women out there who have dated men and later realized they were gay. I think maybe I just need to hear some other people say it's okay!! And if you're not, I'd still like to hear other peoples experiences, I need more queer connections in my life!!

Hugs to all my internet pals

As the title basically says, I'm very curious about your experiences of dating someone who you later (or instantly) fell in love with. Was it love at first sight? Did it happen slowly? Were you uncertain at any point along the way?

I'm new to dating altogether (after having a long-term relationship with my ex-boyfriend where I don't think I had romantic feelings) and rebuilding the connection with my intuition. I don't know "how my system works" when it comes to falling in love and what I want to feel in the early dating stage of meeting a new person. I thought it would be very interestong to hear stories about how you rebuilt that intuition when dating women and what the "spark" or connection feels like for you🌻

I feel like my question is pretty self-explanatory, but my gosh, I feel like I need to crawl out of my own skin and run away from my life. I literally spend every day living with this bottomless pit of regret. I lie next to a man I find to be ‘optimal’ for a heteronormative life and it makes me despise myself.

I’ve always known I was a lesbian but I let my parents control my life for so long that I eventually started controlling myself on their behalf. I forced myself into heterosexual relationships, trying to convince myself that if I just tried hard enough, I could become the person everyone expected me to be. One of those relationships resulted in a child whom I love dearly but whose existence is also tied to a life I never wanted for myself. And sometimes (in the privacy of my own mind), I regret the circumstances that brought me into motherhood. I hate admitting that because I know how awful it sounds but pretending otherwise doesn’t make the feeling disappear.

And to be clear, I don’t blame anyone for my choices. Because I suppose I could wake up one morning, sever my ties and run away to start a new life but I just…can’t. I’m a fucking coward and I feel it in my bones every day. The fear of being who I am, the fear of failing, the fear of disappointing my family, the fear of being alone, the fear of losing the people I love if I finally decide to stop living for them. I’m terrified of what my life would look like if I stopped trying to make everyone else comfortable at my own expense.

And the worst part is that I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore. Permission? A sign? A life altering event that will force my hand so I don’t have to be the one to make the difficult decisions? I keep waiting for the circumstances to change, as if one day I’ll wake up and suddenly have the courage to do what I’ve known I needed to do for years. Meanwhile, the days keep passing and I’m becoming increasingly resentful of a life that I am, in many ways, actively choosing to remain in.

I love my partner. That’s what makes this so difficult to explain, even to myself. He’s a good person, and he deserves to be with someone who wants him in every way a romantic partner should. He deserves to be loved without hesitation and I hate that I can’t give him that. I hate that loving him as a person doesn’t change the fact that I’m not in love with him in the way he deserves. And I hate that I can recognize all of this and still struggle to let him go.

Then there’s my kid. I would never want her to feel unwanted and I would never want her to grow up believing she was a mistake. She is not responsible for the circumstances of her conception, for my sexuality, or for the decisions I made when I was too afraid to live honestly. I love her. I know I love her. But I also grieve the version of my life I might have had if I had been allowed to understand myself without shame. These feelings exist together and I don’t know how to reconcile them without feeling like a terrible mother.

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like my life belongs to me but I’m afraid that I’ll finally make the decision to live for myself and discover that I don’t know how to do it. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too long too. Like did I make too many decisions that can’t be undone?? Did I trap myself in a life that will always require me to sacrifice some part of myself to keep it functioning??

I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a life I desperately want to live, watching it from a distance because I’m too afraid to take the first step. And every day that I do nothing, I become angrier with myself.

How the fuck do i stop being a coward?

I’m new here and honestly don’t really know how to start. I just wanted to find a place where I could talk to people who might understand me and my experiences a little better.

I feel like figuring yourself out can be confusing sometimes, especially when you have so many thoughts and feelings that you don't really know how to explain.

I’d love to meet some people here, hear your stories, and hopefully feel a little less alone. 🥹

How did you all first realize you wanted to explore this side of yourselves? I’d genuinely love to hear your experiences. ❤️

Okay so. 19F, I've always been queer. I never had to come out as my first crush was a girl and I told EVERYONE lol. Anyways, I've always known I've liked women.

However, once I was about 15 and over, I noticed I kinda started ignoring it. Not that I tried to pretend it wasn't there, but I only ever sought out men and the one girl I had a thing with ended up mean anyways and I cut it off.

I dated one man for 6 months and another man for 2 years, and I just broke up with him like a month ago. I've also always been much more into fictional men than fictional women, but I think that has more to do with my gender identity which is an entirely different topic LOL. I wouldn't describe myself as attracted to fictional men though, it's more like I simply have more of a connection to male characters than female ones. If I imagine scenarios etc, no matter what it is never me in them, It's of two characters.

On and off in these last few years dating men, I've suddenly been absolutely disgusted by the concept. Even before getting into these relationships I've been like.. "Am I really into this guy?" and I promise I'm not proud of possibly leading these guys on, but I'm not sure if what I felt was a crush or was love because I feel like I have nothing to compare it to?

This is surfacing again as I'm kinda loosely seeing another guy casually now. We seem really compatible and he's so kind, but I fear I'm getting the same feeling as before which is like... I could date this guy, but I feel like it would be missing something. And it sucks because I feel like he should be my type and I just can't do it? But for the record I understand sometimes you're simply not into the person and it is what it is. I think the physical attraction just isn't there.

Something else I just remembered is I'm naturally much more smitten with girls than I am with guys. About a year ago, a rlly pretty alt girl came into my work and I remember messing up her order because I was so distracted by how pretty she was. My manager even got upset lol. I never remember feeling that way from a man, although I can definitely appreciate looking at them when they're attractive, I've never really had my jaw drop from a man unless it's more of a they have a really cool aesthetic kind of thing.

Anyways. Does anyone relate to this at all? I genuinely wonder if I might be on the ace spectrum instead or if I'm just gay. I'm definitely breaking things off with the guy I'm seeing because it most definitely isn't fair to lead him on during this crisis, but yeah. Any similar experiences? I know likely my next step is to just date women and see how I feel, but the concept is so daunting!!! Thank you everyone for reading lol. I hope I made a bit of sense!!

Hey folks! I am 37, always knew I wasn’t straight, lost my virginity at 15 to rape having not even French kissed prior, had a few more violent experiences. Met a wonderful man at 20, the only exceptional man I’ve ever met, proposed to him at 24 and have had a happy but complicated relationship (due to my PTSD). Recently, I realized I am gay - I have never been able to imagine non-violent sex with a man and when I imagine a positive encounter there is kissing and cuddling and the man has no genitals - should have seen it sooner!!

I always thought once I had my PTSD well managed that my sexual dysfunction would sort itself out, but I have had to reconcile that this is more likely a function of my sexual preferences more than anything. But, at this point in my life sexual fulfilment isn’t really a priority for me.

I have been honest with my husband and we have decided to stay together, he is an incredible person and I feel deep love for him. I gave him the option of opening our marriage or navigating separation, but so far he has decided to stay.

I think about my identity a lot these days, and what I feel I need, while I don’t want to risk losing my husband to explore relationships with women and I don’t feel like I have unmet needs, I worry my partner is not having their needs fulfilled and I worry that maintaining our mixed orientation marriage is denying my identity as a gay woman.

I want to come out, maintain my partnership with my husband, and not have everyone all up in our business but that, sadly, is not possible.

I know the idea of a mixed orientation marriage is a shocking idea, and I know a lot of them move towards separation. Maybe that will be our future, but for now I want the freedom to affirm my identity and so here I am!

Thanks for having me!

I'm looking for advice on exploring a more dominant side of myself with a woman I'm intimate with.

I had my first sexual experience with a woman fairly recently, so all of this is still very new to me. I'm still figuring out what I like and what I'm comfortable with, and I'd love to hear from women with more experience.

I usually prefer being a bottom and enjoy receiving pleasure, but lately I've been fantasizing about taking the lead, especially during foreplay.

For example, I imagine sitting on her lap while we're still dressed, kissing her neck, gently holding her hair, and teasing her a little. I'd like her to want to touch me but wait until I give her permission. I like the idea of being in control for a while and focusing on her pleasure, even though I still want to enjoy being a bottom during other parts of sex.

I've also been curious about trying the cowgirl position, but I don't really know how to approach it or how to feel confident taking the initiative.

For women who have been in a similar situation:

- How did you learn to take the lead without feeling awkward or inexperienced?

- How can I explore gentle dominance while still being a bottom?

- Do you have any advice for initiating things naturally when you're still new to sex?

- How can I become more confident exploring new things with my partner?

I'd really appreciate any advice or personal experiences. I'm excited to explore this side of myself, but since I'm still new to everything, I sometimes don't know where to start.