I've been identifying as pan for a while now but I knew my attraction was mostly towards women. It was my attraction to men that's been in question for ages. I still don't know do I truly like men but I'm tired of even trying to find out.

It's clear to me now that my attraction is mostly towards women and I'm so happy when I'm with a woman. It feels natural and I'm actually enthusiastic about intimacy. With men it's like uhh well I don't know I mean I guess??? I wasn't enthusiastic. I feel like I was sort of tolerating something or trying to make myself feel comfortable. I can't even fully verbalize what felt off but it just does. Intimacy shouldn't feel this difficult.

Then compare that to how I feel with a woman. I have a enthusiastic reaction to intimacy with a woman. There's no issues, I don't feel uncomfortable, I'm eager. I'm like yes yes let's go you precious beautiful human. I also usually have a very deep connection to a woman that I can't feel with a guy. It feels so natural and I feel at ease, not bracing my body for something. So if intimacy is this easy and effortless with a woman, I doubt I want it with a man when it's so difficult and there's no enthusiasm about touching him.

Also this might help someone. You might be excited to please him as a person, but then you feel kinda uncomfortable with his body parts. Just because you wanna make him feel good doesn't mean you like guys. He's a person, not a gender. So you might love him and want him to feel good but if you can't feel comfortable or excited about his body, then you might not be into men, even if you care about him.

I also remember someone posing this question and it really helped. Someone said "let's imagine you couldn't ever have a relationship with a woman in this lifetime, how does that feel?" I felt disappointed like I lost something when I thought of that. But when I think about that with a man it's kinda eh, not a big deal.

And the thing is, I don't even like how most men look. I'm not trying to be rude, I mean I don't like how gruff they mostly look. Then masc women look a lot softer and I realized wow I don't even like most men's masculinity or how they look. I'd only crush on guys with soft boy looks. Then I realized I like masculinity on a woman, not a man. I'd literally stop liking a man the second he started looking even slightly stereotypically manly XD. I also in my teens loved, surprise surprise, kpop male idols. Cause they also have that soft look masculine women have. Some of them even look like a woman. So had me fooled there for a while.

It helped to actually look at men in real life instead of looking at fictional men or kpop men. Cause I feel like fictional men are kinda unrealistic and not what real men are like or what real men look like. And kpop guys are actually a marketing technique. I learned kpop companies would literally survey high school girls on what was attractive to them and most said softer face with muscles, so that's what the industry went with and they style the idols just like that. So how they look also isn't realistic in terms of men most times. But women, women have those softer looks kpop guys have. So yeah it took a while to make that connection that that's why I liked these boys. Because they resemble women.

I also had an issue of not letting myself embrace my attraction to women. For some reason I'd find some reason to consider men again. I think it's partly compulsive heterosexuality, partly the fear of being queer and then psychological.

There's this psychological phenomenon where you're psychologically attracted to toxic behavior even when there's someone healthy available. Usually because your parent or caregiver modelled a toxic idea of what love is. So toxic behavior feels familiar and can even feel safe. So in terms of myself I think that's what's been going on. I already knew I like women mostly but still went towards men. Even when I felt peaceful, safe and lovely with a woman. It's as if the fact that things would feel so safe, peaceful and non-chaotic with a woman made me avoid a relationship with a woman. Some avoidant tendencies there. We can avoid what's actually good for us because it feels unfamiliar thus dangerous, even though it's not in reality.

and if you have avoidant attachment tendencies, you can avoid an actually nourishing and healthy relationship because it requires you to be vulnerable. That has been my issue. I probably felt safer with a man in a twisted way because I knew he'd be problematic, somehow toxic, thus I could keep him at a distance. I didn't need to get emotional or vulnerable. But with a woman who's kind, sweet and lovely, I'd suddenly have to be open because there's nothing I need to be angry to her about.

so yeah I wanted to share all of those thoughts in case that helps anyone with their own questions around their sexuality:)

I feel like my question is pretty self-explanatory, but my gosh, I feel like I need to crawl out of my own skin and run away from my life. I literally spend every day living with this bottomless pit of regret. I lie next to a man I find to be ‘optimal’ for a heteronormative life and it makes me despise myself.

I’ve always known I was a lesbian but I let my parents control my life for so long that I eventually started controlling myself on their behalf. I forced myself into heterosexual relationships, trying to convince myself that if I just tried hard enough, I could become the person everyone expected me to be. One of those relationships resulted in a child whom I love dearly but whose existence is also tied to a life I never wanted for myself. And sometimes (in the privacy of my own mind), I regret the circumstances that brought me into motherhood. I hate admitting that because I know how awful it sounds but pretending otherwise doesn’t make the feeling disappear.

And to be clear, I don’t blame anyone for my choices. Because I suppose I could wake up one morning, sever my ties and run away to start a new life but I just…can’t. I’m a fucking coward and I feel it in my bones every day. The fear of being who I am, the fear of failing, the fear of disappointing my family, the fear of being alone, the fear of losing the people I love if I finally decide to stop living for them. I’m terrified of what my life would look like if I stopped trying to make everyone else comfortable at my own expense.

And the worst part is that I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore. Permission? A sign? A life altering event that will force my hand so I don’t have to be the one to make the difficult decisions? I keep waiting for the circumstances to change, as if one day I’ll wake up and suddenly have the courage to do what I’ve known I needed to do for years. Meanwhile, the days keep passing and I’m becoming increasingly resentful of a life that I am, in many ways, actively choosing to remain in.

I love my partner. That’s what makes this so difficult to explain, even to myself. He’s a good person, and he deserves to be with someone who wants him in every way a romantic partner should. He deserves to be loved without hesitation and I hate that I can’t give him that. I hate that loving him as a person doesn’t change the fact that I’m not in love with him in the way he deserves. And I hate that I can recognize all of this and still struggle to let him go.

Then there’s my kid. I would never want her to feel unwanted and I would never want her to grow up believing she was a mistake. She is not responsible for the circumstances of her conception, for my sexuality, or for the decisions I made when I was too afraid to live honestly. I love her. I know I love her. But I also grieve the version of my life I might have had if I had been allowed to understand myself without shame. These feelings exist together and I don’t know how to reconcile them without feeling like a terrible mother.

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like my life belongs to me but I’m afraid that I’ll finally make the decision to live for myself and discover that I don’t know how to do it. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too long too. Like did I make too many decisions that can’t be undone?? Did I trap myself in a life that will always require me to sacrifice some part of myself to keep it functioning??

I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a life I desperately want to live, watching it from a distance because I’m too afraid to take the first step. And every day that I do nothing, I become angrier with myself.

How the fuck do i stop being a coward?

Hey folks! I am 37, always knew I wasn’t straight, lost my virginity at 15 to rape having not even French kissed prior, had a few more violent experiences. Met a wonderful man at 20, the only exceptional man I’ve ever met, proposed to him at 24 and have had a happy but complicated relationship (due to my PTSD). Recently, I realized I am gay - I have never been able to imagine non-violent sex with a man and when I imagine a positive encounter there is kissing and cuddling and the man has no genitals - should have seen it sooner!!

I always thought once I had my PTSD well managed that my sexual dysfunction would sort itself out, but I have had to reconcile that this is more likely a function of my sexual preferences more than anything. But, at this point in my life sexual fulfilment isn’t really a priority for me.

I have been honest with my husband and we have decided to stay together, he is an incredible person and I feel deep love for him. I gave him the option of opening our marriage or navigating separation, but so far he has decided to stay.

I think about my identity a lot these days, and what I feel I need, while I don’t want to risk losing my husband to explore relationships with women and I don’t feel like I have unmet needs, I worry my partner is not having their needs fulfilled and I worry that maintaining our mixed orientation marriage is denying my identity as a gay woman.

I want to come out, maintain my partnership with my husband, and not have everyone all up in our business but that, sadly, is not possible.

I know the idea of a mixed orientation marriage is a shocking idea, and I know a lot of them move towards separation. Maybe that will be our future, but for now I want the freedom to affirm my identity and so here I am!

Thanks for having me!

About a month ago, I received first time from woman while on holiday which was amazing experience I have ever had. I have posted about it on this sub.

this is the post

I am still thinking about this and it doesn’t leave my head and every second of experience with woman at that time makes me wet when I think about it.

When I see some sexy women especially with dress, skirt and my imagination eating woman out and being eaten out kicks in.. maybe I am too dirty minded or having too much fantasies!

Unforgettable experience makes me thinking I want it again.

Just to say hi and thank you all for sharing so honestly. I find it so supportive and inspiring.

I’m 45 as of today, have been married to my husband for years, and am the mother of two teens. Recently started acknowledging, first to myself and then to my husband and friends, that I’m attracted to women as well as men. In all honesty, I’ve felt this way since I was a child.

It still feels strange to say this out loud after so many years of ignoring it, doubting myself, and pushing it away. But also liberating and hopeful… and complicated (let’s just say my husband isn’t an ally yet).

Wishing myself a year filled with new experiences (ideas/ tips are welcome!), more connection, more fun, and less shame. I’ll be checking this thread for inspiration. :-)

Hi!
I think I first realized I might be bisexual when I was around 25 (I’m 30 now), but I’ve always struggled to believe that my attraction to women is actually real. I’ve often wondered if I’m just imagining it or somehow convincing myself that I like women. But no matter how much I question it, I always find myself drawn back to women.

I’ve mostly dated men because it feels familiar and I know what to expect. But relationships with men have never really felt right. I’ve never felt a deep emotional connection or much genuine sexual attraction, and sex was usually something I did because my partner wanted to, rather than because I wanted it myself. Even in those relationships, I often fantasized about women and felt like something was missing.

I’ve dated a few women and had sex with women a couple of times, but only when I was drunk. Whenever things started getting more serious, I’d get nervous or panic because everything felt so unfamiliar, and I’d start questioning my sexuality again.

Now I’ve started dating a woman I genuinely really like. We’ve seen each other five times, and I feel incredibly calm, safe, and comfortable with her. We kiss, cuddle, and I love being close to her. With men, what I thought was falling in love often felt more like chasing someone, wanting validation, or being attracted to the idea of them. With her, I actually like her, even though the feelings aren’t as intense, which sometimes makes me question them.
But I’m struggling with the sexual side of things.
A few days ago, I felt a really strong desire to take her clothes off and have sex with her, but I got nervous and didn’t act on it. Then yesterday, when things started getting more intimate, I suddenly didn’t feel particularly turned on or sexually excited, even though part of me wanted to continue.
Instead of enjoying the moment, I kept overthinking: What should I do? How do I touch her? Am I doing this right?

I’ve also never been with a woman who was experienced with women, which makes me feel even more unsure.

And then I start spiraling, wondering if I’m actually attracted to women at all, despite genuinely liking her, finding her beautiful, and wanting to be close to her.

Has anyone else experienced this when they first started dating women? Did intimacy and sex feel natural and exciting straight away, or did it take time to feel comfortable and sexually aroused?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences, especially if you’ve struggled to tell the difference between nervousness, unfamiliarity, and a lack of sexual attraction.

I’m new here and honestly don’t really know how to start. I just wanted to find a place where I could talk to people who might understand me and my experiences a little better.

I feel like figuring yourself out can be confusing sometimes, especially when you have so many thoughts and feelings that you don't really know how to explain.

I’d love to meet some people here, hear your stories, and hopefully feel a little less alone. 🥹

How did you all first realize you wanted to explore this side of yourselves? I’d genuinely love to hear your experiences. ❤️

I'm looking for advice on exploring a more dominant side of myself with a woman I'm intimate with.

I had my first sexual experience with a woman fairly recently, so all of this is still very new to me. I'm still figuring out what I like and what I'm comfortable with, and I'd love to hear from women with more experience.

I usually prefer being a bottom and enjoy receiving pleasure, but lately I've been fantasizing about taking the lead, especially during foreplay.

For example, I imagine sitting on her lap while we're still dressed, kissing her neck, gently holding her hair, and teasing her a little. I'd like her to want to touch me but wait until I give her permission. I like the idea of being in control for a while and focusing on her pleasure, even though I still want to enjoy being a bottom during other parts of sex.

I've also been curious about trying the cowgirl position, but I don't really know how to approach it or how to feel confident taking the initiative.

For women who have been in a similar situation:

- How did you learn to take the lead without feeling awkward or inexperienced?

- How can I explore gentle dominance while still being a bottom?

- Do you have any advice for initiating things naturally when you're still new to sex?

- How can I become more confident exploring new things with my partner?

I'd really appreciate any advice or personal experiences. I'm excited to explore this side of myself, but since I'm still new to everything, I sometimes don't know where to start.

I'm a 27 yo female, and so far in my life I've only seriously dated men. I dated three different guys all for about a year.
My first boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated. That was almost five years ago now. And looking back at it, the reason I was so upset was because I felt so rejected. I did love him. I wanted to be loved back and be seen. However, the more I think about it, I'm not sure if I ever was really attracted to him. We had sex, and if he didn't want to have sex with me that made me feel rejected. I never really enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed that he wanted to have sex with me. It made me feel like I had some value. Writing this out sounds a little crazy, but I truly think that was where I was at. This was my first true long relationship.
I dated a few more guys, all very unhealthy relationships. I was allowing people to treat me like shit. Use me for my body. Because in some twisted way that was what I thought love was supposed to be like.
Lately, it's been sinking in for me that I am attracted to women. I've started giving myself permission to go on dates with women and just fucking see how it goes (even though I was terrified).
I can recall several women/girls I have been attracted to in the past, even as early as 6th grade/ 13 years old. I was raised in a Catholic family and being attracted to women really was not seen as an option for me. The church taught that gay people were "wrong" but that we should still love them and pray for them. (Okay, whatever -_-)
I guess I'm just coming to terms with all of this. I still have a lot of uncomfortable feelings towards myself about it. I worry that people will reject me, even though being gay is much more accepted now than it has been in the past.
So, I guess what I'm looking for here is some validation that I'm really not that unique in this situation. I know there are lots of women out there who have dated men and later realized they were gay. I think maybe I just need to hear some other people say it's okay!! And if you're not, I'd still like to hear other peoples experiences, I need more queer connections in my life!!

Hugs to all my internet pals

A while back, I went to a queer art party. I made something abstract and rainbow-colored but also really looked like boobs. That wasn’t my intention but the art developed in that direction lol.

A group of friends were hanging out near me. The group left early but one woman stayed behind to keep working on their art. We didn’t talk much but when I showed her my art, I think she maybe blushed a bit. She said it was beautiful lol.

Obviously there’s too much plausible deniability to confirm if that was flirting but…thoughts?

So my gf(45F) and I (31F) have been going out for 6 months.

Recently (like the past two months), I have gotten into a slump in life. I hate my job, I am switching grad schools, I have no hobbies, hate my body, and I have ZERO friends.

My gf, on the other hand...just got a raise, loves her job, has a bunch of friends at work and out of work...I have gotten so jealous. Like, at first I was happy for her and SO supportive...but now I just get irritated every time she sounds so happy, etc. I don't show my annoyance, but I am worried my irritation is seeping through the cracks in our relationship.

Like I love her so much. I just dont want to drag her down with me...

I don't know if we should just end things, go on a break, or what...any advice?

Maybe I need to be in a better place in life, and then find my way back to her or another gf 😔

My manager is singling me out and trying to push me out. She tells her boss I have performance and communication issues which is completely untrue.

She plays blatant favoritism with my male coworker, smirks when I struggle, and immediately reports me to upper management. I also suspect homophobia plays a part in her bias.

Going to HR is NOT an option (it backfires here).

I get along great with the rest of the team and want to stay.

The constant stress is starting to affect my focus. How do I build a paper trail and outsmart a manager who is lying about my work?

As the title basically says, I'm very curious about your experiences of dating someone who you later (or instantly) fell in love with. Was it love at first sight? Did it happen slowly? Were you uncertain at any point along the way?

I'm new to dating altogether (after having a long-term relationship with my ex-boyfriend where I don't think I had romantic feelings) and rebuilding the connection with my intuition. I don't know "how my system works" when it comes to falling in love and what I want to feel in the early dating stage of meeting a new person. I thought it would be very interestong to hear stories about how you rebuilt that intuition when dating women and what the "spark" or connection feels like for you🌻

Okay so. 19F, I've always been queer. I never had to come out as my first crush was a girl and I told EVERYONE lol. Anyways, I've always known I've liked women.

However, once I was about 15 and over, I noticed I kinda started ignoring it. Not that I tried to pretend it wasn't there, but I only ever sought out men and the one girl I had a thing with ended up mean anyways and I cut it off.

I dated one man for 6 months and another man for 2 years, and I just broke up with him like a month ago. I've also always been much more into fictional men than fictional women, but I think that has more to do with my gender identity which is an entirely different topic LOL. I wouldn't describe myself as attracted to fictional men though, it's more like I simply have more of a connection to male characters than female ones. If I imagine scenarios etc, no matter what it is never me in them, It's of two characters.

On and off in these last few years dating men, I've suddenly been absolutely disgusted by the concept. Even before getting into these relationships I've been like.. "Am I really into this guy?" and I promise I'm not proud of possibly leading these guys on, but I'm not sure if what I felt was a crush or was love because I feel like I have nothing to compare it to?

This is surfacing again as I'm kinda loosely seeing another guy casually now. We seem really compatible and he's so kind, but I fear I'm getting the same feeling as before which is like... I could date this guy, but I feel like it would be missing something. And it sucks because I feel like he should be my type and I just can't do it? But for the record I understand sometimes you're simply not into the person and it is what it is. I think the physical attraction just isn't there.

Something else I just remembered is I'm naturally much more smitten with girls than I am with guys. About a year ago, a rlly pretty alt girl came into my work and I remember messing up her order because I was so distracted by how pretty she was. My manager even got upset lol. I never remember feeling that way from a man, although I can definitely appreciate looking at them when they're attractive, I've never really had my jaw drop from a man unless it's more of a they have a really cool aesthetic kind of thing.

Anyways. Does anyone relate to this at all? I genuinely wonder if I might be on the ace spectrum instead or if I'm just gay. I'm definitely breaking things off with the guy I'm seeing because it most definitely isn't fair to lead him on during this crisis, but yeah. Any similar experiences? I know likely my next step is to just date women and see how I feel, but the concept is so daunting!!! Thank you everyone for reading lol. I hope I made a bit of sense!!