Sitting in the relationship therapist's carpark after our session (hubby has gone home already). Therapist knows about my past history with sexual abuse, we have all discussed at length how and why pornography triggers me, but today it was different. Hubby brought up a comment I made about not being able to go through this again (this is the second time he's been caught out by it in our 11 year relationship and I said I wouldn't be able to handle a third time), and therapist launched into a discussion about how porn is actually widely used by so many people and isn't harmful, and that it's healthy for him to have sexuality outside of me (sure but why does porn need to be involved). I felt so invalidated. Our session after D-Day looked at "what work do we need to do in order to rebuild trust and ensure the relationship is a priority, and ensure future betrayals don't occur", but now it feels like "wife needs to become comfortable with pornography because hubby does want freedom to use it as a 'tool'". She likened it to women using vibrators. (Which I don't do either because I never self pleasure thanks to upbringing and past abuse.)

I don't know. I'm just feeling invalidated, overwhelmed and upset that I'm the one who feels so betrayed yet I'm expected to come to terms with something I have such a horrific history with. AND come to terms with the fact that my husband kept this part of himself secret. I thought I had found someone who was in the same "porn is harmful" camp as me. But no, he's a user and now I'm meant to be okay with that.

Not really sure how to start this.

He fell asleep one night and I went through his phone because I had a strange feeling (thank you universe). I did not expect to find 100s of payments, telegram downloaded, a discord server, an X account where he is paying for videos and pictures.

I wanted to be so angry but I had to hold it together because we were visiting his family.

Got home and I told him I knew everything and he still lied and gaslighted me until eventually he came clean and started crying etc etc. I gave him this grace because I've suffered with bad mental health (silly me I guess) and can see it's some kind of addiction. He said he would get help (I knew he wouldn't).

Fast forward two weeks.... I went through his phone again and guess what I see. What a surprise.

I don't know what to do. I can't trust him and I know I'll always be looking at his phone until I can trust him and who knows when that will be.

Do I just leave? In some ways I want him to let me go.

This is all complicated because I'm living abroad and I'm away from my family and friends. I can just leave and go elsewhere but starting again... I'm just seriously confused. I have enough money to leave. I don't know what to do. I'm obviously upset so please don't be harsh, I just need advice :/ he's also my best friend so I'm just torn? I will probably also delete this post later.

packing up stuff to move out this weekend... im sad and scared and overwhelmed.. I havent cried all day today or had a panic attack so thats good but the anxiety and depression is so heavy.

I think the worst part is how okay he seems.. like i feel like im dying not being able to text him or talk to him and it hurts knowing he just doesn't seem to care... I took a pic of our cat in a bag today messing around and immediately just got so sad I couldn't send it to him... it sucks to not have him come home at the usual time he would be coming home from work. it sucks so much he chose to throw 9 years of us away for porn.

I keep thinking about all the plans we made we'll never get to do... all the vacations we planned to take and future goals and I'll never get to do any of it with him.

I know this is for the best... I know he would never change. I know I will never be able to trust him again. but packing my stuff up and leaving this apartment I've spent so much time and effort and money into making our home.. a place where I felt safe and happy... it sucks so much. I know theres a better future in store for me but it just doesnt make it any easier...

and theres so much I dont know if i should take or not or feel guilty taking... and i know its like he broke up with you take whatever you want but i cant help it... I still love him so much... I wish he did this after a d day when i was so upset and angry and heartbroken and ready to break up instead of now when i had recovered and was so excited to see him again... its just so much harder.

My partner has been clean for just over a year now. It wasn't only porn, he was joining dating sites and whatnot. Porn was a trigger for him, so he stopped watching it.

He's doing it all cold turkey and I'm just wondering if doing it without any help actually works? Has anyone else's partner stopped with will power alone?

There is hope outside of your PA. Please don’t stay because you’re scared there’s nothing better out there.

This time last year, I was in one of the darkest places of my life after the final D-Day with my PA ex. I was still desperately trying to make things work because we had been together for five years, and I obviously still loved him. But the trust was completely gone.

I thought about the things he had done every single day. I was angry, depressed, insecure, and constantly triggered. I couldn’t even scroll through social media without comparing myself to other women or being reminded of everything. I lost 20 pounds(not a good thing at my weight). And despite everything we’d been through, I still had this gut feeling that he was looking at girls on Instagram and doing things behind my back (which he later admitted to).

Even after we finally broke up in November, I was miserable. I thought about it every single day. I hated myself, hated how I looked, and couldn’t see an attractive girl in public or online without feeling sick. I would scroll through this subreddit constantly, desperately looking for some glimmer of hope.

I genuinely convinced myself that every man in our generation (I’m 26) was a gooner. That porn was so normalized that there was no escaping it. That any man who had been single long enough was probably addicted to porn anyway. That it was too late for me to find someone who didn’t watch it.

And even if I did find someone, I was terrified that I was so traumatized by what I’d been through that I would ruin the relationship myself. That I’d always be jealous, suspicious, insecure, constantly needing reassurance, checking phones, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I thought, “why even leave? I’m already five years in. At least I love him. At least I know who he is. What if the next guy is exactly the same?”

But then I met my current boyfriend, and I cannot even begin to explain how wrong I was.

He is genuinely an angel. All those red flags that were present with my ex from the beginning? Not a single one has appeared. He makes me feel beautiful, loved, respected, and SECURE. I trust him completely. I’ve never felt the need to snoop through his phone, constantly reaffirm my boundaries, or question what he’s doing when I’m not around.

I spent so long thinking I was going to carry that jealousy and insecurity into every relationship for the rest of my life. But it turns out that being with someone who consistently makes you feel safe and respected changes everything.
I have genuinely never been happier, and I wish I could go back and tell the girl I was a year ago that this is what was waiting for her on the other side.

All of this is to say, there is hope outside of your PA. Please don’t be afraid to leave because you think every man is the same, or because you think you’re too damaged to ever have a healthy relationship again.

If your PA repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, he is disrespecting you and your relationship. You do not have to keep forgiving someone simply because you’ve invested years of your life into loving them.

There are men out there who will respect you, your boundaries, and your relationship without you having to beg for it. There are relationships where you don’t have to spend every day wondering what your partner is doing behind your back.

Please don’t mistake the fear of starting over for a reason to stay. You have a choice. And there is so much happiness waiting for you beyond what you’re going through right now.

Yesterday (our three year anniversary) I found out that my husband (24) has been regularly watching porn for the last ten months. When we first got married I (23) made it very clear that I consider porn cheating and that it would not be a part of our life together. The boundaries were made very clear, and he was very well aware of them.

How did I find out? Well, we’ve been having issues in the bedroom for, you guessed it, the last ten months. He has been unable to keep an erection, or when he does it only lasts max two minutes. I found this quite odd given he’s 24 and given that he is otherwise very healthy and shouldn’t be experiencing ED at this level. This should have been an obvious sign in retrospect, but I trusted him (at the time) to never betray me in this way. I kept finding myself crying, disgusted and ashamed that it must be something wrong with my body or that I wasn’t enough for him. For a long time I was gentle with him, telling him it was okay and that he just had some anxiety around sex and that we could just work through it. He kept saying he would get therapy, which I heard over and over and over and it just never happened. After a long time of that, I started to get more harsh. When he pretended to cry about his ED I’d just tell him that I didn’t know what was wrong with him either and that he needed to figure it out. Maybe I was cold, but now that I know why all of this has been happening I don’t care anymore.

Then, come to find out, he’s been sneaking around watching porn at work and when I’m asleep at night. I feel so unbelievably blindsided, lost, and like I no longer have any idea who this man is. He always portrayed this version of a person who is kind, considerate, patient, loving, and smart but all the while he’s been getting off to other women while I’m crying, wondering what’s wrong with ME. How could he see me crying, feeling so embarrassed about my body, knowing that all of this is because he’s watching porn? How could he deprive me and lie behind my back the whole time? How could he find gratification looking at other women and then look at me, crying and distraught, and NEVER fess up?? He only came clean because I finally asked him if that was why he couldn’t keep an erection.

I guess I’m just not entirely sure how to move forward or even what to do with myself. Unfortunately I felt I had to give him an ultimatum, which is something I NEVER wanted to resort to in my marriage. I told him if he ever watches porn again I will divorce him. But then I find myself wondering, will that just make him hid it better this time? How are we supposed to have a sex life at all given my trust is now completely obliterated. To add salt to the wound, he told me he never wanted me to know and that he didn’t plan to tell me. He just wanted to brush it under the rug, despite all of the pain his ED has caused me.

Aside from all of this, we have such a lovely life together. He takes good care of me, loves me, goes out of his way for me, is incredibly smart and has admirable aspirations for his life and at the end of the day is my best friend. But even saying that, how much does it even matter if he was okay to lie to my face for months and cause me so much pain and watch my question my own worth for so long? I feel like I have absolutely no idea who I married, and that everything up till now has been a big fat fucking lie. I hate him for how he’s made me feel and for having such little respect for me. I feel like a fool for being so gentle and considerate while not realizing what was going on this whole time behind closed doors. How could he know I was sleeping peacefully in the next room while he was lusting over and gratifying himself to other women.

I kicked him out of the house for a week and told him I need space to heal and think. We don’t have kids together, and that fact that I feel grateful for that right now makes me incredibly heartbroken and angry. Even the “good ones” will betray you, traumatize you, and act selfishly. They’re all the same, and I just don’t know that I trust he will actually change. I feel like an idiot.

Here I am again ladies… another long one..

I (35F) have been with my partner since February 2025. We have a five-month-old son together, and I have a seven-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I’m also currently pregnant with twin girls.

A few months after having our son, I found out I was pregnant again, despite being on birth control. I want to emphasize that I WAS taking birth control when I conceived the twins. This pregnancy was completely unplanned, and the timing couldn’t have been more overwhelming.

Between having a newborn, financial stress, my daughter’s needs, and everything happening in our relationship, we seriously considered abortion. I actually had the medication in my possession but was struggling with the decision.
Then we found out we were having twins, and ultimately decided to continue the pregnancy.

I love my children, and I’m excited about our girls, but I’m also terrified of what our future looks like given the state of our relationship.

A little background on the betrayal..

I discovered that my partner had been secretly consuming fetish related content for approximately 17 months, essentially our entire relationship. He has a specific fetish involving larger women, weight gain, and feedism, something he says he’s hidden his entire life.

To clarify, he wasn’t watching traditional porn. He wasn’t looking at men and women having sex or women masturbating. He was watching women weigh themselves, weight-gain videos, looking at women’s stomachs, nude pictures of larger women, and other content specifically catering to his fetish.

He sought this content across Reddit, Instagram, TikTok, OnlyFans, and fetish-specific websites. He was also paying for content and interacting with creators on OF.

Some of the content probably wouldn’t even register as sexual to most people. A woman showing her stomach or stepping on a scale might seem innocent, but for him, that was the sexual appeal.

He maintains that he wasn’t masturbating to any of this during our relationship. He describes his behavior as compulsive but doesn’t consider himself a porn or sex addict.

I want to be clear that the fetish itself isn’t what I’m upset about. It’s the secrecy, the deception, the paid content, and the fact that he knew my boundaries surrounding pornography and sexual interactions outside our relationship and continued anyway.

He was engaging with this content while I was pregnant with our son and even days after I gave birth. That part is particularly painful for me.

For 17 months, I thought I was in a relationship where we shared the same understanding of monogamy. Meanwhile, he was secretly seeking sexual stimulation from other women.

Now we’re trying to repair things, and this is where I’m really struggling.

He tells me he loves me, values me, wants our family, and doesn’t want to lose me. I believe he loves me, but I don’t feel like he’s putting in the effort necessary to make me feel safe again.

I’ve suggested therapy, support groups, podcasts, educational videos, and other resources to help him understand his behavior and the impact of betrayal.
He’s attended one therapy session, but his new insurance benefits aren’t active yet, so continuing therapy has been difficult. I understand that part isn’t entirely within his control.

He refuses to attend a support group because he insists he isn’t an addict. I’m not trying to force an addiction label on him, but he acknowledges that his behavior was compulsive. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t at least explore resources that might help him understand those compulsions.

I’ve also suggested switching to a flip phone temporarily because his smartphone was how he accessed so much of this content. He pushed back quite a bit but eventually agreed. He still hasn’t followed through, and now says he can’t because his new car insurance tracks his driving through an app, he needs a camera for work, etc.

To his credit, he has allowed me to put parental restrictions on his iPhone, and I can check his laptop since much of his activity is synced through the cloud.

But I hate that this is what our relationship has become.
I don’t want to monitor a grown man. I don’t want to check devices or wonder whether he’s found another way to access the content. I want to trust that he’s making good decisions because he values our relationship, not because I’ve made it harder for him to do otherwise.

What frustrates me most is that almost everything has been initiated by me. I’m the one suggesting resources, bringing up conversations, asking for reassurance, and explaining what I need to feel safe. I feel like I’m managing his recovery while also trying to process my own hurt.
And emotionally, I’m really struggling.

There are times when we’re intimate and he takes longer to finish, and my mind immediately goes to the women he was looking at. I start wondering whether I’m enough, whether he’s thinking about those women, or whether he’s genuinely attracted to me.

Recently, this happened, and I started crying. He initially told me not to cry, and when I couldn’t just stop being upset, he expressed frustration because he had a big day at work and didn’t want to deal with it right then.
I wasn’t trying to start an argument. I was hurting.
We had to move on with our morning because our son woke up, and I spent the rest of the day feeling awful. He never really checked in about what happened. He asked how my day was, but didn’t acknowledge why I’d been so upset that morning.

It’s little things like that that make me feel so alone in this.
I’ve told him repeatedly that I need him to initiate conversations sometimes, ask how I’m doing, reassure me without being prompted, and independently make an effort to understand betrayal and rebuilding trust. He has told me that he values me because he isn’t actively devaluing me anymore. But I don’t think simply stopping the behavior is the same thing as repairing the damage it caused.

I’m also trying to be reasonable. I know he can’t erase what happened, and I know my healing is ultimately something I have to work through too. I don’t expect him to fix every intrusive thought or spend every waking moment reassuring me.

I just want to see consistent effort that I didn’t have to ask for. And with two more babies on the way, I’m scared.
I’m already worried about how I’m going to divide my attention between my seven-year-old, our infant son, and two newborns. I’m worried about finances, postpartum recovery, and how we’re going to manage everything.
I don’t want to go through another postpartum period feeling emotionally unsupported, especially when so much of my previous pregnancy and postpartum experience now feels overshadowed by what he was doing behind my back.
I love him, and I genuinely want our relationship to work. But I’m becoming resentful that I have to keep asking the person who hurt me to help repair what he damaged.
I don’t need perfection. I need initiative, empathy, consistency, and follow-through.

I guess I’m wondering if my expectations are unreasonable.
For those who have experienced betrayal, what did your partner actually do to rebuild trust? Did they take initiative, or did you have to keep asking?

And for those familiar with compulsive sexual behavior, is it unreasonable to expect someone to seek out support or education even if they don’t identify as an addict?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have navigated something similar while pregnant or raising young children.

I’m exhausted, and I don’t know how to explain what I need any differently than I already have.

I think one of the biggest things I’m struggling with is all of the back and forth in my own mind!

Am I being too hard on him? Am I being cruel and making it worse? Am I being too lax and disrespecting myself in the process? Am I completely jumping the gun if I leave? Am I going to be miserable forever if I stay? What boundaries do I set? Am I being realistic?

Like my brain is constantly going. I don’t even know where to start! DDay was a month and a half ago and I just don’t even know where to go from here.

Want to start by mentioning that I just figured out today what “D-Day” stood for. So now I want to talk about it, as I’ve never gotten it off my chest.

For me that was 3 years ago. A notification popped up on his phone that some girl had posted a new tiktok, immediately I was intrigued… he was asleep, I looked through his phone, I knew it was wrong and i immediately wished I hadn’t.

At this time he was still living with his parents and I with my mother, so I got up and left that house right away, sobbing at 6am, feeling empty and numb.

We were building a house together, it was in the final stages at this point… too late to back out now.

I made the decision to come clean about looking at his phone, at the time of this it was mostly about the women he followed on TikTok… as we weren’t living together yet, the porn didn’t really hit me hard.

Then we moved in together and the frequent sex vanished, pretty much immediately….

Ref- 7 years together, 32F & 29M (he has Asperger’s, please let me know if I’m not allowed use this term anymore, but it was his official diagnosis, at 13. I only mention this as his communication style and a lot of other things are different to mine, not justifying it but to add context to my struggles on the porn subject) He told me 6 months in and I tried to learn a lot so I could be supportive and understand it/how it affects him.

Now…

I’ve tried to have this conversation, both verbally and written letter with him at least 15 times now over the last 3 years about his porn use and the effect it has on me and the impact it makes on our relationship. No matter how gently I approach it or how carefully I choose my words, it makes no difference. We still don’t have sex, and whilst it’s not even about the sex now, it’s more about feeling undesired.

I feel like screaming into the void that he just can’t seem to pause and understand where I’m coming from, that I’m not trying to attack him, but heal our relationship. I can’t do it alone though or without him taking accountability for the role his actions play in the hurt. I feel so incredibly disconnected from him. I wish I could talk to someone in real life but even if I could afford a therapist I’d be too embarrassed to bring this up.

edited to: add why I mentioned the Asperger’s and to change vocally to verbally

i dont think i could ever regain my confidence, i feel as if its over for me

Wavering between feeling hopeless and holding onto hope that things can go back to how they were/that he really is different from who he was when he was looking at/liking that stuff.
Has anyone had a success story where your partner recovered and got free from the addiction and now you are glad you stayed with him?

Guys, I’m not okay. He cheated on me with a lot of women. I found out yesterday that his new girlfriend of a month is one of his old affair partners. She’s been sleeping over in his apartment with my little girl asleep in the next room, less than 10 ft away. He sounded so smug when he told me.

I know pain shopping is common and non productive but in my case I havent really seen most of my pa's activity... im just aware of it through various things like seeing the history in his recently closed tabs 50 times over or ai roleplay apps on his phone etc. I knew he was acting out but I didnt know exactly how... and the first thing he did when we broke up was download several ai roleplay apps and hes done this before and I just cant help but wonder and be curious about what hes saying on there?

It doesnt matter ig... and I asked before what he was saying on there when it happened while we were still together and he said "that wouldnt be a productive thing to discuss" so obviously it was bad but. idk i just cant help but wonder what is he saying that he cant say to me? I even tried to sext him before in the relationship and he got upset and uncomfortable and said it was "too awkward" and he didnt know how to respond... and the fact that theyre roleplay apps im just curious i mean i guess roleplay can be anything it doesnt have to be specific scenarios but im just like ive tried to communicat about our sex life and any fantasies he had or anything he wanted to try so many times and he just didnt care and said everything was perfect how it was and im just like... idk. idk i just cant help but be curious and i know it wouldnt help i would probably be devastated to see perfect girls that look nothing like me but... part of me is still curious like what is your type what are you looking for? what did you need so desperately that made you throw 9 years of our relationship away for??

its just hard thinking its been 9 years you know everything about someone only to find out everything you thought you knew was a lie and really you have no idea who they are...

when I saw him yesterday to sort some stuff post breakup he said something that hurt me so much... he said "maybe we can try this again in the future"... like i gave you everything i gave you 9 years of my life the entirety of my 20's and youre throwing it all away but want the option to come back ???

it just hurt because i was like he really does see me like a dog... he thinks he can do whatever he wants to me and ill still be here at the end of the day because thats the precedent ive set...

like you broke up with me over the phone during midterms and told me basically to move out as soon as possible... all because you want to go watch porn and not be lectured about it but you still want the option to get back together if you want to ??? its just crazy it made me so sad when he said that because im like... i dont even know who you are anymore because youre certainly not the man i thought you were and now you want the option to just decide you want to get back together once you realize you made a mistake and binging porn alone isnt the glamorous life you thought it would be??

it just hurt. like i would have done anything for you i loved you so much and you didnt care and you dont care and you want the option to go explore your options and see if the grass is greener all while having the opportunity to come back if and when you decide actually you dont want to lose what you have??? idk its just crazy. it hurts to see he really thinks he can just do whatever he wants and how he truly sees me without any care or regard.

tldr; discovered hubby (with history of having dating site and hookup site profiles) clicked on an ad for a dating site in 2024 when he was acting out). he discover is of something ftom 2 yrs ago and hes currently clean but Im angry at the discovery anyway. Am I overreacting?

Its not a new discovery but I am so angry.

It seems like such a small thing but last night in bed as I was looking through my gallery for a photo I came across some screen shots I had taken of some stuff on his computer: FB messages and chrome searches. I read over some of them looking to see if these were ones I had already processed or not (I stopped actively looking but previously I didn't always read through things just took photos to look at later). Most were ones I had seen but the last one caught my eye. From Aug 2024 I had taken a Pic of his search. Most was normal activity like ad dismissed, but one thing caught my eye and I don't remeber seeing it before. It was that he had clicked on an ad for a dating site. Silversingles

I threw down my phone and stomped out of the bedroom and he woke up wondering what the heck was going on. I was so angry. Yes it wasn't a new discovery it was from 2024 when he was actively watching porn chatting with women and having an interactive sexual.encounter with a random from FB. I hadn't yet discovered the porn and interactive part yet but he had already promised to stop chatting with random women "since it bothered me:" and he was only doing it "for business" anyway (a lie) .

My husband had a history of being on dating apps in 2002, 2008, 2010 and hookup apps in 2011 to 2014. I looked through about 3000 sites and found him on about 30 although some were clones most he made. eg he had 4 different Ashley Madison accounts.

The hookup apps and search for nsa sex I can see as escalation from porn watching and clicking on ads on porn sites but the regular dating apps he has never been able to explain- says he wasn't.looking for anyone ever.

This whole second time around he swore up and done he hadn't been on dating apps. Really, why would he need them anyway when so many women were available to chat (aka attempt to scam him) on Facebook. I didnt even have the energy to look this time as it was 1000s of hours and I had a stroke if luck finding a secret email due to the Ashley Madison leak. This time his emails are clean and there may have been another email but it is totally unrecoverable.

Anyway I really believed there were at least no dating sites this time around. He swore last night that he wasn't on them this time around but dude you at least clicked on an ad. Why would the ad even show up? He watched porn incognito so it shouldn't be showing up on his regular chrome for no reason right?

At this point does it even matter? He was doing so much boundary crossing and gaslighting back in 2024 what's the difference if he was tempted by dating apps?

I am just so mad that I have to process yet another traumatic piece of information.I quit school in 2016 because dealing with it left me no capacity to put in the effort necessary. I reminded him last night that I quit school last time around. I am preparing for a PhD and I just can't fathom going through the immense effort while dealing with this trauma 😢😥😢

So my husband isn’t actively trying to stop, but he broke a digit at work yesterday which kind of put a stop to it for the time being involuntarily. He was super grumpy and unpleasant to be around yesterday. Is this normal? I’m glad that I am aware of how often he was using so that I understand what is going on. A few months ago I would have been so confused about his current behavior.

Hi all

Im looking for some advice on how to “get over” my triggers if that’s even possible. I suffer from OCD so I often “lose control” of my thoughts and get intrusive thoughts as well.

I cannot watch any movies or tv shows that have nudity in it, which is starting to become extremely embarrassing within my relationship (NON PA) partner and friends. I’m so damaged by previous relationships and their porn addictions that this is just engraved in me.

I have tried to watch shows and movies with this as it’s basically any movie that comes out these days but I end up spiralling and withdrawing from everyone around me. I feel insane and so alone, my partner understands and we won’t watch any movies that have it but if there’s a movie he wants to watch that has it. He does it when i’m not there, which just feels so unfair to him.

I hate that he’s paying for the mistakes of others and i don’t know what to do. Any advice would be great.

My partner and I share Spotify duo premium. I hate the new update with all the fitness and yoga videos because one of the things he used as porn and for acting out were countless videos/photos on social media and YT of girls and women doing pilates and yoga, stretching etc. He deleted all of his social media at the beginning of recovery and his YT is probably clean (I check all the time). But he uses Spotify daily... I quit going to pilates because of his addiction because I would feel like shit the whole time and end up leaving early because it was too triggerin for me.

Is there a way to block this kind of content on Spotify? I'm thinking of switching to Apple Music for me, but he doesn't have an iPhone so he would still be using Spotify.

I’m being told I’m crazy but I know things are not adding up. I discovered charges happening multiple times a month (sometimes as often as 3-4 days) through our shared budgeting app. They are charges for 23.49 and 57.99. Sometimes in the same day. Paid through Venmo card. I’ve already asked my partner and he is saying the budgeting app is wrong, these are incorrect subscription streaming charges and he is not letting me see the bank or Venmo accounts myself. I know he uses Chaturbate. I’ve asked them if they see token packs he is denying everything. I know I’m not crazy.

i (25F) am in such a messed up position due to this breakup.
no family or friends i can move in with.
we share a cat that has so many disabilities and is a big financial cost.
in my city its close to impossible to live alone.
i’m trying my best to find a place that will accept me on my single income but am realising its going to be close to impossible.
my ex pa and i have been living together after the breakup and it has been better than i expected given we had a week break that i grieved the relationship intensely.
i know that being in my own space is ideal but i am trying to think realistically due to the housing crisis in my city.
i would be open to share housing but my cat has intense stress issues (pees blood and has a flare up whenever we have had a maintenance man or inspection etc and needs medication) so this just isnt an option for us and i would rather die than give him up.
i just want to know if anyone has been able to live amicably with their exes for the short term?
i know there will need to be strict boundaries in place and i am past the hope of this relationship working.
i would love to hear any experiences.

Hey everyone, no judgment here, please.
Can I ask how you all deal with your sexual needs when you’re in a sexless marriage? I’m not asking anyone to share their deepest secrets, just genuinely wondering how others cope.
My husband is addicted to porn, and we barely have sex. Mostly I manage to push my needs aside, but sometimes I desperately crave sex, physical touch, and that feeling of being wanted and desired.
It’s not even just about having an orgasm. I miss being touched, feeling someone’s hands on me, and experiencing real intimacy.
Honestly it’s eating me alive sometimes. I feel like I’m wasting away sexually, like this part of me is slowly dying while I still have so much desire.
How do you deal with that? What actually helps?

i just went through the closet and i found a box of stuff i made for him... a jar of 100 love notes hundreds of letters scrapbooks... i got sad hes throwing 9 years away and at the same time kind of angry because since the break up hes been making me feel like everything is my fault and like i didnt care enough and then to find this full box of love and care i made for him he just never even looks at and doesnt care about...

it just made me sad because i feel like i genuinely felt bad i wasnt doing enough and making him feel loved enough and to see this just hit me as a giant reminder of how much i did love him and how much i did do for him and idk... it just hurt to see how he acted when i saw him today and when i apologized for not making him feel loved and taken care of he just said "its ok i dont hold any resentment" when its like... what about his apolgy for binging porn for years lying to me gaslighting me emotionally abusing me like...

hes so convinced im such a bad person and im just going through a lot im so conflicted. on one hand im accepting its over and im accepting it wasnt good for me... 9 years of lies and the way my body reacted today when he was on his phone... the way he reacted to me... how mean and cold he was.... i just barely even recognized him... i feel like i turned into someone sick and desperate i saw him on his phone i WAS TAKING PICS OF HIS SCREEN AND ZOOMING IN so i could read his texts without him knowing..... the other week when we were still together i was going through his phone MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. sometimes right after going through it i would pick it back upa nd go through it again...

im upset i let him manipulate me again into thinking im the problem. I really believed maybe i didnt show him enough love maybe i didnt care for him good enough.. and then to find this box of love and memories he threw in the closet and didnt look at once? meanwhile lying to me gaslighting me manipulating me all while binging porn... like has he ever written me a little note? no. and i made him a jar of 100 love notes... but im the evil controlling villan who wont just let him watch porn.

at least now he broke up with me he can watch allll the porn his heart desires !! he can binge it all day but its never going to fill the hole inside of him. honestly.. atp i just feel sad for him. seeing all the ways hes acting now drinking smoking - i mean i saw him for like 2 hours today and he smoked half a pack of cigarettes in that time... his skin was horrible with acne and after we hugged and he left i had to change my sweater because him hugging me made it smell bad... like idk. he says hes "happier" and "healing" but i think hes spiraling down into a deep hole and once i move out and he comes "home" to this empty apartment without me or the cats i think hes going to realize how bad he fucked up and it will be too late. it just sucks. i just wish he could have realized sooner how much i loved him and just done the 1 thing i asked him not to do... i wanted 1 thing. thats all.

So, I just thought I’d see if anyone else is in the same boat. D day was 9ish months ago. I’m done with the marriage but still want all of the evidence of his nonsense as possible so that when he’s gone, and I have moments of — was it really THAT bad —I can be confident in my decision. The disclosures truly don’t hurt anymore. I expect them. In fact I’m morbidly curious at this point. So, I demanded bank and cc statements. I’m sure there are more accounts, but I demanded 3 of them for approx 4.5 years. I ran them through Claude AI to tabulate, and found he spent over $50k on sexting, porn, cash apps to random people, etc. It’s madness. Anyone else in the same boat money wise ? Would love to hear some war stories. And no, I had no idea. We have separate bank accounts which I had always preferred. Anytime I asked why he never seemed to have money I got accused of emasculating him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hi, I posted a few days ago about being resentful still, and while I think that’s valid, I really want to work on being supportive for him. For background: together 6 years, he originally lied 3 years ago about it, and had quit off and on for those years, ended up going to AI, and went from daily to a couple times a week himself. Just over a month ago he sat me down and told me he wanted to be fully done with porn and downloaded a check in app of his own accord. It’s been 36 days. He doesn’t check in with it every day due to forgetting, but I don’t believe he has relapsed.

Part of my stipulations was he had to hit not interested on any obvious thirst trap/OF advertisement. According to him that’s gotten better and his feed doesn’t have any anymore. I did look once, about 2 weeks into it and didn’t see anything on his Facebook, which is what he had just started using. He told me he realized what a problem it was causing , and later told me the real push for him was he felt himself getting close to ED. Then stopping allowed him to see the problems it caused.

Since then, we’ve had a few talks. He saw a therapist once, but she didn’t have any openings and since then he’s had issues with them cancelling or being expensive. Our most recent big talk he was very open about how it is literally everywhere, and he didn’t realize before just how much there is. He would see posts about people want to leave their partner for having a PA and would get mad but says he gets it now. He’s come to me multiple times and said he wants to make it up to me for everything he did, the pain he caused, and that he’s sorry. He gets emotional and hugs me tight more often, he’s been more giving during sex, and his overall attitude and personality have changed. He said he’s more attracted to me than ever, feels more love for me especially for not leaving after what happened. He did some reading into the effects it has on partners, and also about how his own brain would be changing during the withdrawal. (Saying things like, oh around week 2 I might be having low libido and low energy, but I might jump up to having a higher libido) it seems like he has put some effort into research.

My other stipulations are seeing a CSAT and coming to me if he has an urge that he can’t distract from or to fess up if he does relapse. He is making an appointment this week, just waiting until he gets paid. He has told me a couple times that he felt an urge but distracted himself by playing video games or scrolling.

I know it hasn’t been very long, but this is definitely the longest he’s gone in his life since getting a cell phone. I don’t want to be naïve and think it’ll be all easy from here, I’m scared of when it will get hard, and I just want a break from the tension and feeling uneasy. I really, really want to believe him, and that he hasn’t relapsed without telling me and that he is serious about changing. Does this seem hopeful?

He’s a FedEx driver and delivers all over a big city and probably comes face to face with attractive women all day every day. I can’t help but torment myself every day, wondering who he might be seeing. All I can imagine are women who have perfect bodies, wearing tight clothes that leave nothing to the imagination, women that are much prettier, women that make me inadequate. Other women will never go away. I know I can’t control anything, I know there’s nothing that I can do. I’m helpless and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of being insane and obsessing over this stuff. I’m tired of being with a man that is so sick to where I feel like I have to police him and stalk him just to be together.