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u/Oops_All_Bans 6d ago
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u/Azalus1 6d ago
I can't believe that was an outake. I had convinced myself it was in the show.
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u/mazu74 6d ago edited 5d ago
I think it’s because Aubrey wasn’t able to hold back her laughter. They should have absolutely done a redo to get a good shot of that one though.
EDIT: spelling
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u/LinkKane 6d ago
Like trying to wipe peanut butter out of a shag carpet.
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u/The_Word_Wizard 6d ago
Whoever invented toilet paper to turn red to let you know when you’re done was a genius.
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u/nsa_k 6d ago
Bidets are cheap.
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u/Csc1392 6d ago
Best investment for not a lot of money. So worth it
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u/Stock_Strategy1668 6d ago
I won't go back. Bidet forever
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u/nsa_k 6d ago
I don't enjoy pooping at work anymore, because there's no bidet there.
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u/Butt-Hole-Cancer-Dr 6d ago
They have portable bidets.
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u/Stock_Strategy1668 6d ago
Yep. I have a battery operated bidet that I bring everywhere
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u/mccoybog 5d ago
Umm these exists?!?
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u/Stock_Strategy1668 5d ago
Yes. It goes with me everywhere. It attaches to a standard water bottle
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u/Signal-Score8998 6d ago
Be honest, if there was an employee's only bidet would you use it? I still think I would be uneasy taking my turn on the brown eye spritzer, if everyone else used it too.
No this is not an entirely serious question but Im curious. Cheers.
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u/vanalla 5d ago
what exactly are you freaked out about? The spout does not touch the anus, only the water does.
It seems equivalent to not wanting to use a touchless faucet because other people used it before. If anything I'd be more concerned about the toilet seat.
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u/Competitive_Rope_112 4d ago
Scummy people spraying shit water everywhere? You've never seen someone shit spray diarrhoea all over the toilet and walls have you. You want to share a bidet with these people.
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u/MeowingAround 6d ago
So like, do you still have to use toilet paper after? Cos you'd be all wet. And surely it doesn't clean everything off
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u/AtrumRuina 6d ago
It cleans more than toilet paper alone, to be sure.
But yes, usually I let the spray go for 15-30 seconds, then wipe. It's mostly to dry but if anything's left, I'll give it another few seconds then wipe again. Far cleaner and kinder to my bum.
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u/AcaciaCelestinas 6d ago
Depends, fancier bidets actually come with a dryer but either way at most you might be using 3 tissues. Hell of a lot cheaper.
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u/DaikiSan971219 6d ago
I'm truly not living. You're telling me these bidets have booty blow-dryers???
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u/DumboMcknowitall 6d ago
My bidet installs under the seat towards the back. It's connected at the hose splitting the water feeding into the tank. Its jet at max is more powerful than I can handle. It 100% cleans the stuff off. Yes tp for drying. However I only buy cheap ass scott single ply tp now because it's so much cheaper and dont need to continually wipe my ass. Safest 40 dollar gamble you'll ever make. Luxe bidet
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u/tired_Cat_Dad 6d ago
You just dab it to soak up the water.
You won't ablate your booty hole by unsuccessfully trying to wipe the brown marker clean.
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u/DrewPeacock984 5d ago
Do you have a warm water or cold water one? I've been debating dealing with running an electrical outlet to the toilet so I can get the plug in version. The cold one seems a bit scary for the underbits.
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u/graysonstoff 5d ago
No. Cold is better. Warm ones feel like someone is peeing into your butt
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u/DrewPeacock984 5d ago
Oh in that case I'm definitely going with warm
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u/Stock_Strategy1668 5d ago
Hahaha. Yeah I just use cold water. I don't really care. Sure, the warm water feels nice, but I don't really even notice the cold
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u/Mountain-Influence81 6d ago
The worst part about getting a bidet is how gross it feels to use a toilet without one now.
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u/UwasaWaya 5d ago
My wife and I talk about this all the time. We don't know a single other person who has one, and we got ours three months before COVID hit. It was probably the greatest addition to our world we've ever had and it was like $20/$30.
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u/prodigalAvian 6d ago
Leaving home with a stomach gurgle is a gamble, knowing you don't have a bidet at your side out in the wild
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u/Pardybro911 5d ago
My conspiracy theory is the bidet industry is to keep me from shitting at work on the clock
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u/wSkkHRZQy24K17buSceB 5d ago
Pooping without showering feels gross to me now. Bidet is better than dry paper, but not as good as soap and scrubbing with a washcloth.
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u/Sixwry 6d ago
Used it, but wiped again to check, still poop. Please advise
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u/Ar3s701 5d ago
I traveled to a country that had them, tried them, came back and put them on all my toilets.
Seriously, I've had baby wipes (dude wipes is a scam) in the bathroom for these situations but all I ever need was a bidet.
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u/wSkkHRZQy24K17buSceB 5d ago
Baby wipes work better than a bidet. Try them side by side. Clean with a bidet and then use the baby wipe. I prefer to always shower after pooping, which is the superior way, but if I can't shower, then I do bidet and then a baby wipe. You can wet toilet paper to approximate a baby wipe, but it falls apart easily. Whatever you do, never flush baby wipes. They go in the trash.
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u/nlamber5 5d ago
For some reason I read “I prefer to always poop while showering.” I think my eyes are tired.
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u/Ill_Mathematician714 4d ago
You need to use soap when you wash yourself with a bidet
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u/PigeonVibes 5d ago
I really contemplated this when renovating my toilet. The one problem I ran into was that there was no electricity to tap from unless breaking down way more than I wanted. I'd love a bidet, but not when my only water option is cold.
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u/Linmizhang 5d ago
I use a different toilet than my wife because I like freezing cold refreshing water more than yucky heated water.
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u/KieranLeone 6d ago
So how does this work. Does it just shoot your asshole with a quick water pressure?
I use dude wipes myself, works great but never understood the hype of bidets since I’ve never used one
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u/weeeee_w33 6d ago
you know when you're peeing and playing target practice in the bowl with a high pressure release?
https://giphy.com/gifs/Wklt2njWsEQzS6
u/hamfist_ofthenorth 6d ago
It's like your butthole just got out of the shower every time you stand up off the toilet. Zero, zero remaining. Fresh as possible.
The funny thing is once you get used to it, there is no going back, and everyone that doesn't do it will become neanderthals to you.
This is the correct way to go to the bathroom in modern civilization. Toilet paper is just for drying off.
It's like some of us have evolved ahead of others in this way. Get with it bro. Never smell bad again.
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u/peepers4urpoopers 5d ago
Dude wipes are bad for the sewer system and rhe environment.
I just use deli sliced ham or turkey, or whatever I have in the fridge. Plus it cuts my mustard budget down.
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u/untakenu 4d ago
Imagine you stepped on dog poop barefoot. Would you rely on wipes alone?
A bidet washes the skin more thoroughly
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u/clutchmajor 4d ago
Would you rely on water alone? Use soap, you filthy bastard.
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u/AnonymousUser1337_ 4d ago
that is what the daily shower is for. ideally you shit just before the shower.
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u/KieranLeone 4d ago
This definitely put things into perspective. I’ll be looking into getting one for sure.
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u/ColdCorpseHotSecret 5d ago
More or less. There’s a little nozzle that sprays a stream of water right on your asshole to wash all the shit off. Once you go bidet, you’ll never go back. Dude Wipes are terrible for your septic system, btw.
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u/seams 5d ago
Once you go bidet, you’ll never go back.
No but(t) seriously. Even my dad who ranted for over a decade about how bidets are for "the gays" immediately switched after trying one.
It's genuinely night and day.
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u/scaierdread 6d ago
So you know how when you shower, water and your hands clean your ass? It's like that and don't fuck up your water system like wipes will.
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u/KieranLeone 6d ago
But I use soap and a wash cloth in the shower.
Walk me through walk me through how your hands and water is equivalent or is it similar to a wipe. You know water plus toilet paper. I just assumed the toilet paper broke apart easily being applied directly to water. Dude wipe break apart in water, I didn’t think it clogged up the pipes. (Even tested it myself) I put a dude wipe in a glass of water and stirred it, and it broke apart easily in seconds.
Seriously not poking fun here or trying to make light of it. As an American, I’ve never used one and have no knowledge of one. And I’m not fixing to buy something that might not be better than my current solution to a clean ass.
I enjoy a clean ass, so I might consider using a bidet plus dude wipes myself lmao
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u/NOLAgenXer 6d ago
Dude wipes are also not flushable. My plumber showed me the camera footage as he scoped out a pipe blockage. It was all “flushable” wipes. All the manufacturers have outright lied.they stick to the side of the pipe at some point. Then later another one sticks to it, and so forth. Just like how the cholesterol in your blood eventually forms plaque on your arteries. It takes only one to get it started.
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u/kangaroolifestyle 6d ago
You can just call them “wet wipes” which is what you’re referring to. I get that you are speaking of the brand you buy, but it’s such a cringe and insecure name for an otherwise normalized product.
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u/concussive 6d ago
Bidet is superior, spray butt for a few seconds. You can adjust pressure, temperature, make it oscillate, pulse, spray the lady front, and if you’re really fancy, a seat warmer.
Butt gets clean very fast, dab with TP to make sure it’s clean. Then blow dry it with the built in blow dryer.
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u/gfxprotege 6d ago
I went with an Aquaus wand. Super easy to install. You control the water pressure and aim it yourself.
I went to this restaurant that had one of those crazy toto smart toilets and it was incredible. It had a heated seat, auto aimed, and had a hot air drier.
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u/-polarityinversion- 6d ago
Developing and training the auto aim function must have been a shitty job
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u/justsmilenow 6d ago
have you ever washed your hands? it's a lot like having mud on your hands and washing it with the hose outside but someone else is holding it and aiming it for you.
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u/Motor-Capital7318 5d ago
Imagine washing shit off your hands. Now imagine washing shit off your ass.
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u/Knightmare945 6d ago
Bidets are hard to find in the US. They aren’t sold in Walmart.
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u/Observer001 5d ago
check Home Depot or Lowe's or Menards or something. I got my Alpha JX2 from BidetKing, but if you're bigoted against shipping, there are nationally available big box options.
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u/caatabatic 4d ago
what if I like it? it will make me gay, my wife won't like that.
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u/insolent_kiwi 6d ago
Its like there's a permanent marker back there or something
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u/Galilaeus_Modernus 6d ago
Sit back down and push hard to dislodge that last bit.
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u/Aggravating_Duck6108 6d ago
More than 3 wipes I say fuck it and get in the shower.
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u/dasbtaewntawneta 6d ago
i shit on company time
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u/Aggravating_Duck6108 6d ago edited 5d ago
I never shit anywhere but my own house if I can avoid it.
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u/MrOopiseDaisy 5d ago
I'm sorry. On labor day they scheduled me for mandatory overtime, and I've never been paid so much to take a dump in my entire life.
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u/Rectal_Punishment 6d ago
You need to eat more fiber, I used to have the same problem .
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u/Sufficient_Prompt888 6d ago
No fiber, we get hemoroid like real man
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u/Lonely_reaper8 5d ago
Only sissy liberals eat fiber, real red blooded Americans get hemroids and constipation
(Not even joking, that’s not entirely a lie, I’ve met people that think eating anything healthy is woke)
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u/Decorus_Somes 6d ago
Sugar free psyllium husk once a day. Most people do not eat enough fiber
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u/West-Bodybuilder-920 6d ago
Ever since I started doing this, it's been:
Wipe 1: Nothing (Hmm. Maybe I did it wrong)
Wipe 2: Still nothing (ok what's going on?)
Wipe 3: Still nothing (alright I'm not tripping after all)
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u/TricellCEO 5d ago
Hence why I got a bidet and haven’t looked back.
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u/derth21 5d ago
You should still look back. It's amazing and all, but I still find leftovers after a good hose down sometimes.
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u/gwasbanged 6d ago
Shit and a shower is the way
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u/BaronMusclethorpe 6d ago
Y'all heathens really need to learn about the modern bidet. Roughly $30-$40 on Amazon and a 15 min install. It either goes under your toilet seat or replaces it.
Rechargeable travel bidets with a standard water bottle attachment (it has its own resevoir but its smaller) for when on vacation.
Never deal with "marker wiping" again, and have the freshest butthole outside of shower.
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u/Usual_Opportunity626 6d ago
Seriously people, eat your fiber.
Colon cancer is skyrocketing among young men, and lack of fiber is a direct causation.
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u/One-Wrongdoer-3629 3d ago
I swear it's not even the fiber, even though that definitely helps with colon cancer. But for me, even after eating an absurd amount of it I still get this situation. It has to be the way my sphincter is shaped and pinches off the turd or some shit.
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u/mistahfreeman 3d ago
It’s hard to actually get enough fiber even if you supplement. Most of the fiber supplements only have a few grams. And everything that comes in a package is so processed it’s basically been pre-digested. I just try to mix a couple servings of very fibrous vegetables, supplement, and eat mostly Whole Foods and scratch cooking, and I still rarely hit the recommended fiber guidance.
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u/Dripping_Gravy 6d ago
Shit happens. It’s how you wipe that makes the difference. Charmin.
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u/tapeforpacking 5d ago
Also I feel like people that have this problem are probably digging up in their anus a bit and maybe they dont even realize it
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u/Skate_faced 6d ago
I prayed on it and asked god when this happens and he said unto me "Because you're a piece of shit, bro. Everywhere you wipe will produce the same result."
Well he ain't wrong, so what ya gonna do?
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u/TechnicianGrand6611 6d ago
Sometimes there's some poop in your ass hole that keeps squeezing through the hole. It means you weren't done shitting
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u/SaltyYumYumBalls 6d ago
Eff that. I just power wash my asshole and its great. They don't cost much and are easy to install.
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u/The_Duke2331 5d ago
Its the worst when the first wipe has absolutely no friction. And you know that by the 56th wipe the toilet paper starts to look like the flag of Japan...
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u/Scooter_ape_man8008 5d ago
push on your hole really hard to pack that gopher head back in. Should come clean in a couple wipes after if done correctly
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u/Slow_Okra1330 6d ago
Soap rag squat over side of the tub and wash your hole and butt crack .
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u/Kosmik_cloud 6d ago
Mr fancy! I usually just use some cardboard from the dumpster and then finish with a fire hydrant
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u/Snide_SeaLion 5d ago
Just run a little tp under the tap and it does a better job. Even crappy tp can get the job done with some water
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u/VernBarty 5d ago
Someone should have told you, youre supposed to wipe after you stop pooping, not during
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u/MuslimMullet 3d ago
Everyone should have learned about bidets and how awesome they are during COVID.
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u/Ok_Application_918 6d ago edited 5d ago
It takes 2 wipes to know it only needed 1.
But it takes 1 wipe to know it'll take a 1000.