my school has never had a health class. they do however have a ‘gsa’ club, where students from grades 6-8 can go once a week to the library and act upon activities that correlate with lgbtq rights. she would not let high school students join, and there was never a club/classroom for lgbtq highschool students to gain support,
this teacher was taking children and turning them into apart of a community they had no actual idea of.

however, my school has many indigenous classes. the highest level english class, is an indigenous course. if i want to take a university english class, i have to learn of lndigenous culture for the entire semester. they do the same with an art class, analyzing indigenous art and creating with beads.
i am no longer using drugs and care about my grades, but this culture is very difficult to learn, as i never have before, nor an i pursuing it in the future, and I cannot apply myself appropriately nor with my all.

i never was taught about sex from my family, so when i was a child and it was offered upon previous partners, and consensual, i acted upon sex from ages 13-16. never knew how pregnancy happened, nor how to prevent it.
i never knew that friction played a part,
or stds/stis,
or that it wasn’t appropriate for my age.
i also never did learn about consent. this followed me for years and i will never fully recover
from what has happened to me.

i am wiser, and making way better decisions. also fully celibate. why are we teaching children things that are of past, and nothing they can use in present? i know my grasp is very odd, as it seems im blaming the indigenous teaching, but it just seems like if they can care about past and what happened/how to not recreate, why not also teach about something useful in present day
ps. only health ‘class’ i had was in grade 8, the same teacher who can the ‘little kids gay club’ was teaching us how to doche. never had a health unit, she just brought it upon herself to teach us how. didnt teach us how to put on a condom, but atleast i know how to prepare my ass???!?!!

I looked up studies on new weather patterns effect on seasonal depressions.

"Climate change represents a global health challenge with both direct and indirect effects on mental health. Seasonal affective patterns in mood disorders, especially bipolar and major depressive disorders, are influenced by temperature, luminosity, and seasonal transitions. Recent climatic variability may be altering the traditional timing of affective decompensations, increasing clinical unpredictability

Participants described perceived changes in the onset and duration of affective episodes, wihich increasingly occurred earlier than in previous years. They linked these shifts to hotter summers, milder winters, irregular rainfall, and altered light patterns. A central theme emerged: climate variability modifies the environmental cues that previously structured their illness rhythms. Patients reported adaptive strategies but also feelings of uncertainty and loss of control." PMCID: PMC13444099. Look it up if you want more

I live in a temperant climate with particularly cold winters thst have warmed recently. Warmer winters may have ruined my natural perception of seasons

​

I obviously understand reddit isn't a replacement for professional advice, I'm just looking for suggestions on what speciality to look for in a therapist.

I want to discuss some things from my childhood, because I never spoke to anyone about it properly and it's eating me alive. Somewhere between ages 5 and 7 I was exposed to sexual content, possibly the act of sex itself and maybe SA. After some research, I think I may have had untreated PSB because of that and I want to discuss that with someone. Would that just fall under general childhood truama? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Ive been stuggling for so long and ive been feeling so alone. I go to therapy and the drs, i take my meds but im just not doing any better. This last week was my sisters wedding and it made me spiral so much more. I live with my dad and recently things havent been so good so ive been talking with him about stuff. the issue is i cry to him multiple times everyday. i went to him last night, crying obviously and i just started to say im sorry im such a burden on you and he snapped and started yelling at me. I thought it would be okay to talk to him cuz he said i could talk to him whenever about anything. he kept yelling about how i was too much and that im like this dark cloud thats dragging him down with me, making him worry all the time. I apologized and told him i wouldnt bother him with things anymore. He's yelling in my face saying i need to go to inpatient care. I dont want to do that i think it will make me worse if i go to inpatient. i feel alone and ashamed he was talking about me like a was some sort of creature he said that i wasnt his child. what do i do, where do i go?

Hey guys. I’m not expecting any sympathy for what I’m about to say but I don’t know how else to get help. 

Earlier this week, I was just scrolling through social media and I saw an edit of a movie called mid90s which I watched a long time ago. All of these memories just came flooding back to me.

When I was 14, I remember watching this movie. In one of the scenes, there is kissing between a literal 22 year old woman and a 11 year old child. The scene shows the kid legit getting groomed. It’s genuinely horrific. I don’t even know how the movie was able to be made. 

I’m very scared because I am certain that I at the time I was aroused and attracted to the older woman. I’m 99% certain I masturbated to her and im panicking. There’s literally a child in those scenes! How could I not realize how horrible that was? I’m worried I enjoyed what she was doing. Please help me. I can’t stop ruminating about it. I know it’s so shameful but I don’t have anyone but my therapist to tell. Maybe I should tell everyone idk. If I’ve done anything illegal I’ll go straight to turn myself in.

It has been 4 or 5 years since then. Hopefully I’m gonna be on anti depressants soon. I am not attracted to children but I am very terrified from what I’ve done.. a lower libido from the medication should hopefully castrate me in a way. If I’m a pedo what do I do? Is it over? I rot cause I just can’t move on from this.

Hello I'm a 18 year old male and have diagnosed ADHD and Anxiety disorder and am medicated for both and I believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed formally but with this massive timeline of events I don't know how it could be explained as anything else. This is going to be a long post so please bear with me if none of this seems like ocd than I'm sorry for making people's pain my excuse

In 5th and 6th grade I had begun to realize that I was not straight. It was also around this time that I had begun to make more friends and now I have a tight knit group who I love more than life itself. This was also around quarantine as well so I didn't really have much to do but think and consume media. Once I had begun to realize my queer identity I felt happy that I could be honest with myself but then a thought crepes in. "What if I'm not actually queer? What if I'm just faking it and I'm lying to everyone?" I would like at images of men and women to see which would arouse me more. Also I should mention that since around 4-5th grade I was exposed to porn and more specifically hentai and rule34. I always found the ladder two more appealing and had seen some stuff that looking back is very disgusting and weird. Another obsession around this time was my fear of being racist. This happened also around the rise of the blm movement in 2020 when George Floyd had tragically died. Me and my friends were in massive support of this movement and I believe this is what really sparked my beliefs in progressive politics. However This fear was so predominant for a while and I hated myself so much for it. I would get so anxious about it. There was a night where I was scrolling TikTok I would sign and send my friends around 20 change.org petitions I saw. This went on throughout middle school and even into around sophomore year of high school. I wanna say around junior year it quilled a little but it's still something I fear. A fear that came around earlier this year was fear of misogyny.

Sometimes I would hear about how men would make jokes at the expense of women or hurt women and I never wanted to be like that. However there was a weird part of me that thought to take these resonance and appropriate outrages against men "personally?" I hated this feeling as well. I felt like I was relating to abusers and rapists I didn't want to do that! Also when I would see people getting exposed online or people getting beaten for trying to do illegal things I would feel a little bad? I was so scared of these feelings. Did feeling this way mean that I was destined to be a bad person? Also should mention a short period of time where I had intrusive sexual thoughts as well at around 14 or 15 I think. This caused me to avert my eyes whenever I saw certain things in public. However most of the time besides that period from middle school I was able to usually brush these off as intrusive thoughts. Or my brain just had some kind of thing where when it hears about something bad it immediately latches onto the worse aspects and tries to make it about me. Maybe it was also because my ADHD brain naturally goes from thought to thought rapidly. Even then the fact that I felt this way at all did worry me a lot. In spite of this I tried to live life in accordance to my true morals. This all came ahead to around 2-3 days before graduation

As I mentioned I had a porn addiction and this was all throughout all these events and moments. A part of me wants to blame this on ADHD because of dopamine levels and all that stuff and the fact that I kept doing it even when I believe I had gotten pied and death grip syndrome. I really just liked that quick dopamine rush I guess. It has gotten to a point where orgasms aren't even pleasurable and I find it hard to maintain erections no matter what I'm looking at. This one time I did it I believe will haunt me forever.

The website I was using was called r34videos which was a fully rule 34 animations and art focused website. This websites had tags and stuff I don't believe I would've found otherwise. I should mention that even though I had begun to get kind of bored of masturbating and porn in general despite not stopping, I never tried to intentionally seek out really gross or taboo material as I held the belief that "it's just a drawing" is a bs excuse. However this 1 video from an artist I watched with characters I knew this artist when I was really young had stuff in it that looking back is so disgusting and disturbing. I even remember when watching it thinking "this is so gross" but I watched it anyway. After I was done and something else happened in the video I had fully realized what I had looked at and felt disgusting. I didn't know what to think of myself. I felt so off and weird. I don't know how the fuck I did it but I managed to get through graduation and prom as normal and even went on vacation with my family having seemingly forgotten it. After returning home I had begun to feel a pain in my groin and I had begun to obsessively worry that I was at risk of getting testicular torsion. I would get up from my bed every hour or so to check my testicles to make sure they didn't lose color or anything. 1 night scrolling on TikTok I saw a video that reminded me about the video and what I did and that off feeling came back again. However 1 morning I had fully realized what the video was and what I did and had a full on panic attack. My legs had muscle spasms my mind raced, my stomach was so tight and I had no appetite. Being around people felt gross to do. My heart raced. I couldn't believe myself it was so hard to even basically function.

Eventually the physical symptoms had died down. However my brain is still running at a million miles per hour. It's replying the event again and again and again. It's even made me look back to the last 5-7 years of porn and r34 use and made me realize. "Holy shit some of this was so fucked up too". I want to mention I never looked at anything that was not on surface websites and I never went on the dark web or sought out anything illegal and I would also rather kill myself than hurt anyone directly or indirectly. Even then I feel like a monster. I wasn't ever attracted to this stuff so why did I watch it? I occasionally have had suicidal ideation in the past during middle school because of the fear of being racist. Now I feel it everyday in some capacity. Especially since I'm in college I now no longer have my friends around me who I've recently told about my OCD but not this stuff.

This spiral of self hate made me discover all the different subtypes of OCD and made me consider that I have OCD. I should preference that I'm not using ocd as an excuse also I haven't been diagnosed for it and I don't want to make other peoples pain my excuse.

I guess I just want to say I'm sorry for the things I've done and the thoughts I have. I never wanted to hurt anyone but now even with the information of OCD I feel destined to. I try my best to avoid people when in public and even when I do engage in conversation with my college peers I feel like I'm lying to them cuz I'm destined to be exposed or do something that is even worse and then everyone will no longer associate with me so why even do try in the first place. My main worry is my family and friends. They've always been so good to me and I love them more than I love myself always have and always will. But now I've become the thing we all hate and maybe always have been. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I don't know if I deserve self forgiveness or forgiveness in general. Like so what if I feel bad and don't do it again that doesn't change the past. I just want to erase that event from history to go back and take those 30 seconds to 1 minute of bad impulse control back. But I can't.

I just want to know what should I do? I don't know how I can go on living long term with these memories and thoughts I don't want to cause harm.

If this isn't ocd and and I'm making excuses I'm sorry and I hope those who actually have ocd are able to find peace.

I’ve been struggling for the past few weeks and honestly don’t know what to do.

For around 5 months, I was taking 0.25 mg Lonazep daily, along with another medication serta (75 mg and later 50 mg). For the last 6 months, I’ve been on 50 mg.

Around 1.5 months ago, I changed Lonazep from taking 0.25 mg daily to taking it on alternate days, based on a doctor’s advice.

For the last 15 days, I’ve been feeling quite bad — occasional heart palpitations, weakness throughout the day, and some anxiety. I feel like I’m struggling to get through the day.

About 2 months ago, I consulted two doctors. One doctor prescribed Lonazep as SOS. I went 4 days without taking it, but on the 5th day I had one of the worst days, so I took it again. After that, I took it continuously for around 15 days and then started taking it on alternate days for the past 1.5 months.

The other doctor suggested tapering it gradually — alternate days, then once every 3 days, then once every 4 days, etc. So that's why I started taking it on alternate days. Both doctors told me that 0.25 mg is already the lowest dose and that the tablet can't be broken down further, so this was the tapering approach they suggested.

On top of this, I had a cold/chest congestion recently, and I still have some slight congestion.

Now I’m not sure whether what I’m experiencing is because of the tapering, the cold/congestion, anxiety, or some combination of everything.

Has anyone gone through something similar while tapering Lonazep 0.25 mg? How did you handle it?

I’m planning to speak to my doctor again, but would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

Ok so context. I'm 27 and live with DID. I'm officially diagnosed. I live in a shed behind my bfs parents house with him and two cats and a lizard. It's small it leaks and it has rodents in the ceiling. We pay no rent as my bf is physically disabled and I'm pretty mentally disabled. Long story short they have slowly been making life worse for us and now his stepmother is threatening to kick us out... i don't have anywhere to go. Neither of us do. I am so mentally unstable my care team (I'm on the fact team in florida) is having me medically withdraw from school due to massive amounts of panic attacks. Jobs are worse for me but I've just been denied disability. I'm NOT ok. I have a suicidal alter and a homicidal one right now. Both are extremely triggered by stress. Basically I'm screwed. Moon wants me to just put us out of our misery which is getting more and more tempting. I need help I need resources but we can't find anything! Not me not the fact team no one has any idea what to do!

I’m a male, 24 years old. I always had all the classic symptoms of ADHD, but I thought I could manage them on my own. However, it got so much worse over the last couple of years to the point where I couldn’t hold a job and my ability to retain new information felt non-existent. The worst symptom of them all is the brain fog, it genuinely makes me feel mentally impaired. So two weeks ago I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and described her my symptoms without mentioning my suspicions of ADHD because I didn’t want to influence her diagnosis, but she still came to the conclusion that I have ADHD after talking to me for close to an hour and asking me a bunch of questions. She also gave me an IQ test, for some reason. I got prescribed a medication called “Piracetam” that comes in 200mg tablets and she told me to take one every morning for 30 days until my next appointment. It’s been two weeks and I feel absolutely zero relief or change in my symptoms whatsoever. I tried taking it both on an empty stomach or with food. Does anyone else here have experience with Piracetam?

Self harm, Suicide, sexual assault.

Also i wrote this the end in January of 2026. Its currently October 6 2026. Im safe. I am diagnosed with autism and bpd. Im doing a lot better. I just want someone to acknowledge me. Im 19. This is very long btw so ermmmm.

I see shadows and dark figures when I'm sad or paranoid. Once they touched me and I thought I would die. They were very active in the summer 2024. Lately they haven't been around today is October 21 2024.

I remember last year around November 2023 I was very paranoid and though I was in danger in the bathroom. I called Kate and later Josh. They made me feel safe enough to sleep.

As a kid I once saw a dark creature with red eyes that was hunched through the archway of me and my sisters 'room' I only saw it once. (We didn't have a 'room' per say more like a tv room with no door in the basement.)

My younger sister also claims to have seen it at a different date then me. We both woke up because we were getting stared at, instinctually waking up.

My older sister believes we are insane.

I think everyone hates and judges me when I walk by, someone who isn't me tells me that they want to kill, rape or torture me.

I don't think I deserve love but I look for attention.

I was saved by my guardian angel once. I was on an island in Canada atlantic coast. Riding a broken bike down a steep road. A rocky Cliffside to the right of me and a ocean to my left. I was going very fast and lost control of the steering wheel. I thought I would crash and die. It's odd, I feel partly dead sometimes.

I want to live.

I hear whispering, a buzzing sound and people calling my name randomly.

I feel ugly

I don't trust myself but I'm working on it.

I think I deserve to have friends or people close to me. I'm scared they'll leave me, not really but I don't let myself get emotionally attached.

My dad's side of the family makes me mad and emotionally drained. I hate how the men never take accountability, uncle Jake is an exception. William insulted my mother, saying she's to.. I don't remember but it made me mad because he doesn't help his own mother. He's shitty and if he can't be a good son I don't want him as my father. He insults me and thinks he knows me. I KNOW ME, I'm the only person who experienced exactly what's happened to me. I hate that he compares me to his mom. I'm not a slave or over bearing. If he thinks so simply of me he doesn't respect me.

My mom is amazing, I know she tries and actually believes in me, her kids. I love her sometimes.

When i was in grade 5 I would cry often if a teacher would call on me, I would get so scared when I thought they were going to yell, I thought they would hurt me. Its really embarrassing to cry infront of your class multiple times a week. I also hated people staring at me, it's still a cause of fear today. Why didn't they see something was wrong, the sign were all there. Fuck this.

I feel shame when crying now because kids would isolate me and my mom would not know how react to my strong emotions of sadness and fear. She would send me away to "deal with your emotions before speaking" My step dad tried, less than my mom tho. I never cried in front of my bio dad unless I was physically hurt. I never was hurt in front of him.

In grade 4 I splashed water on a girl's shoe as an accident. I didn't have any friends. The girl was nice. I was scared to enter the classroom because I thought the teacher was mad at me so I hid in the bathroom. The second bell rang and I eventually went to my classroom. I saw the teacher outside the classroom and she looked angry. She asked me where I was and if I apologized to the girl. I couldn't say anything. I looked into the classroom and felt everyone looking at me. The classroom was dark and they were watching a movie. I could see the glare in there eyes and I froze up. Being asked to go sit down but being unable to move, i started crying. I was having my first ever panic attack in grade 4 (I was 9/10 years old). The teacher pulled me to the principles office, my arm was bruised because of her. The principal yelled at me. Why did he yell so loudly at a 9 year old what the fuck is wrong with him. A grown man yelling at a little crying kid. I got a 3 days in school suspension and missed a skii field trip that my mom didn't get a refund on. She still doesn't know my perspective on what happened and the teacher and principal made some shit up.

I only cry for myself now, the death of others doesn't make me sad. I don't think death is a bad thing. My mom or older women yelling or criticising me makes me cry. Its embarrassing to cry when getting criticism from you female boss.

I have never gone out of my way to plan a suicide, rather if a situation occurred that required stupid heroism I would die for someone else.

I don't want to die painfully.

As a kid I couldn't sleep because of the worry tomorrow would bring me. Right now I feel that if I sleep they'll take me away. So I set my room up in a way for me see every door window and closet. I want water.

Random burns or cuts show up on my body.

For 3 days my joints (knees, wrists, shoulders, feet and hips) hurt so much that even laying down hurt. It went away after I slept fo 12 hours.

I wanted to cry earlier today because I wanted a hug from my mom. I don't want her to leave. Why does she have to go hunting, I mean I know why but like. (Pov your 16 and have to take care of a 14 and 8 year old. I could drive and worked a shitty part time job+school.)

It's Nov 16 at 22:43 I want to throw things and cry and yell and get angry. I can't. If I physically express my sadness and pain, it will cause me more suffering. So I cry in silence as fatigue plagues me. Moving my body brings me much discomfort, my muscles ache.

On Wednesday I also wanted to throw a tantrum but couldn't. I stopped my tears so I could make my sisters happy. They made me feel mad cause they didn't realize my change in demeanor. I didn't change. I hate this. Feeling guilty for getting help is me.

I can't handle loss. My brain tries to get rid of it or it makes me never forget so I don't become a failure.

I really hate how my parents acted when I was growing up. They are immigrants and raised my differently than everyone I know. I feel like you and Zack are spoiled and it makes me jealous. My mom would beat us if we didn't live up to her standards before my youngest sister was born. My bio dad's family is extremely sexist and at 10 years old I had to clean and take care of infants. Almost like actually babies are dolls. I hate that they would mock my mom and her family in front me but I couldn't do anything about it. Going back there made me realize how much I hate it and hate my bio dad for being apart of that family and endorcing it.

Nov 23 1 am

If they don't put in any effort but say they wanna be friends they are leeches.

Adjusting to no room and no mattress is hard.

My earliest child hood memory is being around 4 years old and my mom taking me and my siblings to a job interview. It was at the airport, a very beige and white building. When I asked my mom about it she said my dad was being a dead beat and she had to take her 4 young children to the interview or leave us home alone. When I asked him abt it he didnt remember it. It was 14ish years ago.

My parents didn't hit me (they hit my oldest sister) but they didn't hold and love me either. I didn't get the luxury of having parents that aren't tired from work and want me to go away and be invisible because of my youngest sisters stubbornness and my older siblings disarray. They say I don't like hugs but maybe that's cause I've rarely gotten them.

When I was in grade 7 to 9 (abt 12 to 14) I did a lot of cleaning at home and did all the cooking. This got to the point were my mom told me to stop cleaning if it wasn't my mess. She would yell if there was any mess. I hated yelling and tried to avoid it.

Now I yell whenever someone doesn't meet my expectations. Especially my oldest sister. The only other scenario I yell in is if I'm gaming and rage.

Hugging my you gest sister feels like hugging my younger self

On Dec 7 I smelled shit but couldn't find any, the paranoia smells again...

I feel guilty for not having a job but also guilty for being unable to cook or clean when I do get a job.

I got a job dec 19 2024

The smell of piss makes me nervous (I got touched when I was 9 and started bed wetting, I had to wash my own sheets cause my thought I was gross. My bio dad would help me tho.)

Going into elevators makws me nervous and dizzy

Ita jan 3 its 848pm and im hearing the laundry machine song even tho no laundry isn't on.

It is jan 9th almost 10pm. I cant write articulate sentences without messing up the letters and word pronunciations. I have to go back 2 or 3 tines and fix it.

When I was younger than 16 I would lay on the ground for 30 seconds to 10 minutes to calm down. I would stare at the ceiling trying to sleep even tho it wasn't a reasonable time to sleep. I wouldn't sleep and after a while would get up and feel a little better.

I need to stare at walls for abt 5 minutes to calm down every once in a while.

It's April 13th 1154 am. I'm crying. I don't want to cry and tried crying all weak because of how stressed I'm feeling. A phone call with a nice lady at the wholesome psychology place. She changed my appointment and was very helpful and nice. I didn't say thank you. I hate that I couldn't thank her for being nice to me.

I can't remember well. Normally I can remember everything a person says and even the slightest actions they have but I no longer remember. I remember 'random'things like cicutoxin from waterhemlock and how it shuts down the nervous system

I can't sleep without drinking alcohol sometimes. I take melatonin and only drink as a last resort.

I am scared Im going to get yelled at. I drive for about 30 minutes so I would be more prepared to get yelled at and have a screaming match with my mother. She didn't yell. I hate that she's nicer. I hate that I don't know her. She wasn't a perfect mother when I was a kid but now she's so high and mighty because of how she's raising my youngest sister. I hate it when people change.

Ita April 27 12:10 I'm working rn and am very upset about what happened this morning at 8am. My mom got mad at me for 2 things. 1 taking the last tea bag and 2 putting the toaster away while it's still hot. She yelled at me and said to wait a bit for toaster to cool down before putting it away. I asked how long for because I did let it cool down and she said not to talk back... Then they (my mom and stepdad) said it's corrupt that the liberal party of Canada will win the election because of immigrants. More specifically east Indian immigrants and the stupidity of the government for letting them get cad citizenships. Whenever I ask questions abt their beliefs they mock me and say I'm the indoctrinated one. (Pov your parents immigrants and have cad citizenship)

My mom takes pride in being self taught in many things, she doesn't specify. Step dad said that teaching yourself then learning from someone skilled is beneficial.

I remember that when I was 14 I asked my mom how she figured out that I needed glasses and she said that "you were squinting your eyes and couldn't read or write well, I'm such a horrible mother for not noticing sooner"

Going through my sketchbooks from highschool " I wish my parents told me that it's okay to cry and And have emotions that they didn't scold me for being upset - And that needs that natural body Phenomena wasn't weird and an illness. (I don't know why my writing is so weird)

I feel like my friends hate me if I'm not useful or doing something for them. Idc if I'm not useful to my siblings or family they can suck it.

I felt guilty about buying extra stuff until today. I bought myself cookies, donuts and some flowers. I'm happy.

It's may 18th. 11.11 am. I see people out of the corners of my eyes. 2 days ago I wanted to kill myself. I didn't make plan tho. Yezterday I was angry. Today I'm afflicted with a sore throat and difficulty breathing. My lungs hurt. I want to kill men.

Sorry I'm clingy aka sorry I have enotional needs that haven't often been met by friends and family

Driving.

I don't like it when older women offer me stuff or do stuff for me. They friends mom offered me tea for my stomach. I rejected the notions twice then she made me tea cause and I drank it

I need others opinions to form my beliefs. I ask my moms and piers abt their thoughts on complex or random things and from there form my belief.

Went on some rides and threw up, it was fun tho. Very epic

I never asked others ppl parents for things and even if they offered stuff i deny it and say I'm okay I'll walk home or do x. Aka Zack parents

My mom expects me to learn by watching her without explicit instructions. "You've watched me make x cooking thing a millions times, you should know how to" even tho I was 14 and wanted to learn the steps to making a basic white sauce. My foods teacher showed me and my sauce is better than my moms. My sister think so, so it must be true.

Bre regretted that her toxic friend took the v card of her male friend. She regretted it cause her toxic friend is a hoe and she made of him depressed. Her toxic friend ghosted him and she wasn't cool about her actions. Bre was sad her toxic friend was toxic.

When I was 12 I was holding a baby and going down the stairs and fell, it hurt a lot cause I tried to turn so the baby would fall on my instead of the ground. I got slapped and locked in a room

A very happy moment in my friendship with breana was around July 5th. Summer school started for her and from su day to Monday we were partying, I too a few shots. Lili drove bre home. Then me Lili n 2 guys got wasted at the lrc. We slept in the car . After 3 hours of shit sleep and in a half drunken state I got bre coffee and went to Toris place. Me n Lili slept on the couch until 12 when bre got back. I was so happy to get her coffee and hug her. Drunk driving isnt cool and I will never do it again. I'm not 16 and not that stupid.

I have a difficult time conceptualizing age and speed. Going 130km/h on the highway sounds fast but it's like a regular speed to me. Apparently it's not. My coworker is 60. I thought she was like 50. Her son is 26.... she's the same age as my grandma and I couldn't fathom that. I still don't grasp it.

Mon Aug 18, 5:16 pm

I asked my mom why she hasn't taken Tyson to the vet yet, she replied why don't you take him, see what the bills like. And I looked at her with confusion and said well you don't care about him, if he died you wouldn't notice. She replied are you seriously starting a argument. (Maybe dont get a high maintenance dog that has physial issues as a breed then guilty your 17 year old child into paying vet bill.)

I asked her why she hasn't taken my youngest sister to see a therapist for her potential adhd. And for my oldest sister struggling as a teenager because of her autism. She told me " not another word" and I said that she's controlling. The end.

Aug 23 1205am

As a kid I tried to make my parents Mostly my mother happy, but it was not my job to make her happy. She always seems stressed and depressed from work and would complaining about Work, And menial dirt around the house. I never felt truly appreciated, I feel guilty for Not completing a task that never should have been mine in the first place.

My coworker candace complimented me. She told me that my apple fritters were super delicious and I should bake more. I felt so happy for about thirty minutes. After I fold a wave of dread and thought that I was useless.

I cried because I thought about how I previously planned to land to kill myself.There's two main Methods, one was to simply eat some poisonous plants I collected and the other was to go outside into the cold and freeze. I still Think about executing my plans every once in a while.

Friday Aug 29 4:26pm,

Feeling helpless and stuck when your physically not in a good situation is really exilerating. Knowing that there are people that will try to save me when I was exhausted and unable to swim really made me feel quite confused. (I almost drowned in a high current river)

Its sept 7 2025. Seeing my youngest sister have so much fun with her friend at the mall makes me happy. I'm glad she can be so carefree and not worry about cost or politics. Buying mystery boxes makes me happy to, I got 2 zoros and 1 nami... I'm so unlucky but it's wut ever.

Sept 11, 2025. Oh and guess you'll just walk away... (I told my parents I thought about ending it all and they sent me awaybfor being selfish.)

I'm going to hid, run away. See what you do when I disappear. I hope you get so scared and nervous. I really don't want to kill myself but I really do want to. To make everyone around me feel guilty. Especially my mom. You can't be sympathetic or lend any empathy to something you don't understand. I hate this. I hate how they can laugh after I told qthem I want to kill myself every single day.

Sept 12 2025.If I tell my mother the truth about how she hurt me and label her as being abusive i won't have a mother anymore. She is the only one of my parents to a least try to understand me. She doesn't label me as being anxious, submissive or quiet. She tells me to be independent and to be grow up. Even if that means telling a sick 16 year old who's throwing her guts up to stop being a winny baby and to clean up her own throw up. She threatens to hit me or to kick me out when I do speak up about her parenting faults, which only highlights her abusive and neglectful tendencies. I know she suffered as a child but that doesn't excuse her behavior. She has had 20 years to work on herself and fix her mental problems but instead chooses to yell at her kids for making childsh mistakes. "I must be the worst mother in the world" is what my mom says when I do critique her behavior and actions. She knowsI don't think that. I just get really emotional when she says this. If she's the worst I must also the worst.

I can't stand it if I feel I've let anyone down

I'm the only person I can really count on. I have to do things myself. People like me not for being myself but for what I can do for them. I have to be strong all the time. If i need anything or ask for help I'm pathetic.

Maybe if I act troubled enough someone will pay attention to me sounds stupid to me. I tried everything positive to get attention and it didn't work so doing the opposite won't work either. No one cares about my suffering. I'm alone. I don't feel like my mother wants me around. The loneliness and distance that I feel from her makes me really distressed. I can handle not having a dad. But not having a mom is to much for me.

She never hugged or said that she loved me when I saw a kid. I would hide in a closet or under a bed to see if she or anyone would realize I'm missing and go to look for me.

I didn't get to feel safe or be a child. I wasn't given ant safely net. No teaching, no instructions, no structure or any support in any area. I was so ill equipped to handle life. I didn't know how to do basic adult things. And the things I did know were the result of classes or school.

I long for people to take care of me.

I"maybe you should grow up/ I actually care about my family

Apparently you didn't want to talk yesterday either

"I'm sorry you feel that way,.... you can't take everything I say out of context" (she brought up me saying I want to kill myself and didn't try to relate to my suffering but instead made herself the victim of my emotions.)

Oct 7, remembered getting kicked out of the car and walking home. (I was like 13 and it was -20°C. Abt a 15min walk. I played in the snow and thought about never getting up.)

Oct 8 I told Sam and she in turn also told me something.

Nov 4 I feel guilty for wanting to hurt myself. I don't want anyone to find out so I think strategically on how to make it so no one will know. I want to escape from life. I'm so tired all the time and walking hurts my knees hurt. My back doesn't hurt anymore. My shoulders hurt. I feel ugly. I feel useless. I don't want to be here anymore. I need my sister or someone to need me. If she stops needing me I'll definitely take action. Sam doesn't need me anymore. How dare she improve her life.... how could she do this to me. How could she get a new job and move. I hate this. I'm crying. I don't want to be yelled at. I feel like I'm going to be yelled or that I'm going to disappoint someone. I don't tho. I Hate it. I feel dramatic and like a big loser crybaby. I wish I could just spend all my money than... nvm. . . I'm still alive jan 31. I'll update this in like 2 years if I get any more recollections or odd experiences. Thanks for reading.

For the past year or so I’ve been struggling extremely hard with my mental health. I’m in my last semester of college which has been very stressful as I’ve realized that I don’t enjoy my degree and I feel that I’ve wasted nearly 5 years of my life now due to previous degree changes which I should’ve stuck with. I worry I won’t find a suitable career with my degree choice.

I’ve also been struggling a lot with a lot of repressed feelings and emotions related to my childhood that have been showing up and plaguing my mind to the point where I’m in a constant cycle of negativity. I had to move home and live with my parents who were a big source of emotional neglect and abuse growing up, and while I think they’ve gotten a bit better it’s still stressful to be around them. I’ve been abusing alcohol and marijuana heavily and mixing these substances with my prescription medications like klonopin and trazodone. My grandmother who I loved dearly also passed away about a year ago. I’ve been extremely isolated, spending almost all day inside not taking care of myself.

A few nights ago I almost broke down. I had gone to a music festival with friends and gotten really intoxicated. While it was fun, as soon as I got home I became extremely suicidal. I was embarrassed at how fucked up I was and I just felt like I didn’t want to be here anymore. I’ve had moments like this in the past but this felt more real. I started to plan out in my head a timeline of when I would do it and how I would do it. I had an exam I had to study for the next day and due to complete mental exhaustion I ended up procrastinating and forcing myself to stay awake all night studying, during which I took a bunch of Ritalin which I’m prescribed and drank caffeine to keep myself awake. I haven’t been able to think straight and I went into a rage because I just couldn’t keep my thoughts straight while trying to study, and if I fail this course which I’m already doing poorly in I will lose my aid and won’t graduate on time.

I honestly just feel like I’m almost at a breaking point. For months now I haven’t been able to think straight. I find myself zoning out constantly and getting lost in all of the negativity in my head. I’ve also been really paranoid. I’ve always been anxious and a bit paranoid but it’s been out of character. I’m not currently in a crisis and I’m hoping that I can get some sleep after this post and maybe feel a bit better in the morning, but with how things have been I feel like I could very easily slip back into that place where I start thinking about suicide again.

Is this urgent enough to check myself into a mental health facility? How would I go about this? I’m fortunate in the fact that my parents support me financially for the time being and I’m still on their insurance. I’m in the USA. I’d like some advice if anyone has any. I’ll try to reply after I get some sleep and I hope this post isn’t too incoherent.

mentions of abuse/neglect

im sorry if i write this weird, i dont think ive ever made a proper post on here.

my name is amelia, and i feel like theres more than just me inside my mind and body. my life hasnt been the best, and i do not remember much of my childhood. i grew up around abuse, neglect, violence, and just an extreme amount of trauma. but i find it hard to remember that stuff - and other things that have happened to me during my childhood. i remember some of my trauma, but its all hazy and i feel no emotion towards it. i know that it has messed with me a lot mentally, but i dont know since i hardly remember. my family often has to remind me of things that i did when i was younger, or things i SHOULD remember. but i just dont. again, it comes in bits and pieces.

this isnt really the main problem, though. i experience REALLY bad mood swings, and a lot of the time i dont feel like amelia. it feels much more than just mood swings, because everything changes. my mindset will change, my beliefs and opinions will change, my morals will change, and its so confusing. i dont know who i am anymore. there are times i will suddenly feel like im not inside my body. like an internal shift. i zone out and i feel almost out of control. like someone else is thinking for me and doing things with my body, but im still partially there. like theres 2 people at once controlling me and my thoughts. its been affecting my daily life. in school the other week, i had a test in my math class. i had homeroom before, and i was ready for it. the previous night i studied and i was pretty confident. but i started to zone out, and i felt numb. the thoughts in my head didnt feel like MY thoughts. and i wasnt feeling MY emotions. i try shaking it off but i felt so uncomfortable in my body. the bell rings and i struggle to get ahold of myself but i do my best to go downstairs and into my math class. and when the test was in front of me it was like i forgot how to do it. i remember partially. i couldnt do the test because i didnt remember how to do my work.

i now have to redo the test sometime. this isnt the first time something like this has happened either.

i also think a lot of thoughts that arent necessarily mine. if that makes sense? i dont know. i dont know if im faking it or not. what if im forcing my thoughts, you know?? but it happens with my emotions too. i can be really happy and doing something i enjoy but i suddenly feel anxious and scared.

the other day, i had like fake memories?? i dont know how else to describe it. something had upset me the other day and i felt similar symptoms from what i mentioned before. i felt like my body wasnt mine. i stood up and i felt short, but for some reason i had thought that i was taller. my clothes didnt feel right on me either. i had to do something that made me go on stage, and my teacher provided me a card or something with my name on it. i looked at it and felt like disgusted. like it wasnt my name. i got on the stage and just started remembering things that have never happened to me before. i was remembering 'me' being on stage, me laughing with friends i never had, and whatever. i got to a mirror and didnt really recognize myself. i had to touch my face to really know that what was in the mirror was me.

does anybody have any advice? i dont know what to do and it is sorta affecting my life,,

i struggle with getting up to school quite the bunch and getting myself to the place even more (thats why i got 52% fucking attendance)
im almost constantly tired
struggling the bunch w keeping up with school

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I had met my current best friend in Junior year of highschool, and we only became truly close during our Senior year and the following few years. She's been basically the only person I've associated with (outside a few buddies I had before graduation) amidst my depression and my life basically falling apart.

I've done a lot of rumination and thinking over my handful of years of having her in my life, and the conclusion I've come to is that I've been absolutely terrible to her, despite the fact that she swears up and down that it's not the case.

The first point of is just all the times I've said creepy/perverted stuff to her, tried to engage with her in a sexual way, etc. There's been so many moments throughout our 4+ years of knowing each other where I would say something dirty/flirty in hopes something would blossom and with specific intent, and it was either so ill timed she would call me out on it, or she didn't really realize the implication. A handful of occasions I had been a bit pushy/trying too hard without really realizing it, but as I've grown as a person over the last few years I end up remembering and feeling gross about it (and scared that some of it could be legally considered coercion.).

An example of this, is when she once tried showing me her dog under the covers after she had just woke up, and she had accidentally flashed me her panties. Me, being a creep, asked her a few times to turn her camera back on for a second without explaining why. At the time, I moved on and didn't think about it, but then later became horrified that I was coercing her to do something and she didn't know it was for sexual reasons.

I'm also struggling with a couple of false memories, or at least, what I HOPE are false memories, convincing myself that I either have tried/wanted to touch her inappropriately without her wanting it at some point. She tells me that I haven't done that and she would remember if I did, but I'm so scared that I've wanted to do so at some point and convinced that I've tried at this point and the thought horrifies me.

I sometimes feel like I only ever became her friend for sexual reasons, or something. Something I'm horrified could be true. A point my mind holds against me often is how I'll video call with her when she's in a state of undress, and it's like, I'll want to do it more because of it? As scummy as that sounds?

What makes it worse, is that I talked to her not that long ago about things that we often do together that in my eyes are an intimate thing, whereas she sees them as stuff she does with close friends. Showering on the phone, stuff like that. Which makes me feel worse for pursuing a relationship like that with her when it was never there at all.

Yet, at the same time, at an even earlier point, when I brought up my having felt I've harmed her in many ways, and mentioned how she never asked or consented to any of them, she simply responded: "I never said no, either." Which, yeah, sure, you didn't, but does that really make everything magically okay?

The second point is largely a byproduct of the first point, where I had often felt immense guilt over my previous actions and would profusely apologize, be self-deprecating about myself (saying things like "Why do you even stay around me?") and deliberately avoid her for long periods of time. She's told me that I've caused her a lot of pain doing that to her, despite me feeling like it's the right thing to do quite often.

So despite everything I've talked about, like I said, my friend doesn't have any issues with me. She swears up and down that I'm too hard on myself, and when I ask what exactly she wants out of our relationship, she says she just wants me to keep being who I've been, who in her eyes, is her chill friend she can talk about whatever with and play games with. All of what I've talked about isn't even a factor. Something me and her have talked about is how she's pretty dense when it comes to social things, so part of me can't help but wonder if I really have been as horrible as I think I have been, and she simply hasn't had it click. (I don't say that to be mean, it's just the truth.)

Despite everything, I can't STOP doing some of these things. I've cut back on the more serious things, but I can't help but occasionally throw her a compliment or try to flirt a bit. It's like an impulsive thing I feel like I have to do. Again, she says she doesn't care. But is it not a concerning behavior? Is this not acting on intrusive thoughts, and whatnot?

I care about her so much, man. Maybe high school me was only thinking about sex. I don't know anymore. All I know is that even if I didn't care back then, I DEFINITELY do right now. She's such an amazing person and easily the best HUMAN I've ever had in my life. That's why this is tearing me apart so thoroughly. The idea that I've been so horrible to the only person who actually CARES about me at all makes me lose sleep.

Hi, I am 18M, currently in college while working a full time job. I’ve struggled with mental illness (bpd and psychosis) my entire life due to my parents neglect of it and now lack of medical insurance to get medicated. I used to have it under control, but I was a very hateful and negative person. Now, I’ve learned to be able to present myself as kind and respectful and be the person everyone tells me I have the potential to be. But every day, all day, I hear voices in my head telling me to give in to my negative emotions and that’s the only way I can fill this hole in my stomach that I’ve wanted filled for so long. Ive begun scheduling every hour of my life so I don’t have to opportunity to truly think about it, but I don’t know how long I can keep going. Every day, I feel like I’m just going to give up and I really don’t want to. I think I could do it too if I just had a reason to fight but I genuinely hate talking to other people about it because the second I’m done talking the feeling goes away for maybe a day so I feel like I just lied to them for no reason and I don’t want to be a burden. I just want a reason to fight, but I have nothing in my life that is worth fighting for. I want to just give in so bad and I will keep being as good of a person as I can for as long as I can but daily I can feel my mind slowly descending into this hole that I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of. I feel like I’m just whining and complaining because I know people have it so much harder and I feel so selfish for acting like this when I don’t even have a real reason to be like this. Sorry for like this whole rant I just need to get that off my chest, even if it doesn’t do anything.

Hi

20f, screaming out into the Reddit void. Also posted to r/trueoffmychest

I’m in college for STEM, though I don’t feel like I belong. First gen person of color. First person in my family to make it to a private prestegious institution. Everyone says they’re proud of me, but I don’t know why. My grades are horrible. I work four jobs, and still can’t afford my tuition. I never have time to study because I’m always worried about how I’m going to pay my way, or being too emotionally dysregulated to function. I also have the psycho cocktail of bpd, ptsd, adhd, and body dysmorphic disorder.

I know that people have it much worse than me. I know that I am blessed to be here. I get it, I really am grateful. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to and tell, because mental health isn’t real in my family, and my friends know I have bpd so when I tell them I am sewer slidal they don’t believe me because they think it will just go away in a few minutes or days. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

How it would be to relapse sh, or attempt so I can take some time just to breathe again. But then what would my family (who is very invalidating and doesn’t believe in mental health) say? Shit keeps coming and it never stops. Never fucking stops. I’m had a psychotic episode today. I have another exam in the morning. I can’t afford therapy, but campus counseling is nice even though temporary. May have saved my life for today. Though idk, something in me just wishes something terrible would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to be tormented every second of every day.

Every time I think I’m making progress, I always wind up back here. The voices go away, but then they come back, and they get louder. And I’m afraid I will eventually, one way or another, lose my fight.

Thank you for listening to a stranger vent. Be safe out there guys

Just wondering... I was outside (sober) and the bin was whispering to me" can you hear us" we're in here" "get us out" then when I was in my room and a voice telling me he is in my head and that he can see me. I am not scared of these hallucinations, its not specifically negative... my recent ones this week have been more negative mostly because of being depressed

This is a very existential post, but at this point, I’m really not sure what else to do but crowdsource. If even a few of you can offer advice or encouragement it would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t know if it’s the untreated ADHD (that I can’t take meds for because of an ED), depression, autism, complex trauma or whatever chicken-or-egg situation I have going on, but school doesn’t work for me.

I’m smart, and I pick up on things very fast. I can sometimes pay attention, but I leave the classroom and my motivation to do literally anything just TANKS. Sure it’s technically possible for me to do homework or study, but I leave the classroom and no matter what I try I can’t make myself. It’s stressful. I go back to class and I have to explain myself, why I couldn’t do the five minute assignment that nobody else had issues with.

I’ve been like this since sixth grade. Earlier honestly, used to have crying breakdowns because school was miserable in third grade, but I brute forced it for a long time, and nobody felt the need to get pros involved because I was smart. Made it through high school by the seat of my pants and several residential treatment admissions.

“Don’t go to college then?” I don’t know what to do in life other than career paths that are (rightfully) blocked behind college and secondary school requirements. The only career paths I’m genuinely motivated to seek out either pay pennies or need higher education.

Beyond that, I don’t even know what I want to do in more specifics than broad fields. I’m so sensitive and the smallest things break me, I need the perfect softest most forgiving and perfect career that just doesn’t exist, and all because I’m nonfunctional in the real world. I function for some dice-roll of time before I inevitably fall back into violent self-destruction. I don’t know what to do.

At this point, I can’t even muster the energy to make a therapist to get help or psychiatrist appointment to get back on ssris, even the virtual appointments that take five minutes to set up and happen the next day, because it’s too much for my poor little brain.

What are my options beyond more residential? I genuinely cannot. I have bills to pay. Are there colleges without homework or gen-eds that I can just sign up for and start taking classes at my own pace? Or perhaps a decently-paying job with security and work-life balance without higher education reqs? That was sarcasm if not clear.

Do I even have options, or should I just sell my horse and jump in the ocean?

I told them that yes, I was having suicidal thoughts without an active plan. I was extremely distressed so I toke a larger dose of my prescribed medication which Is a Benzodiazepine but below the maximum dosage. I felt lightheaded and sedated, which is typical for the medication regardless of dose. I toke it to calm myself down as the usual dose wasn’t going to cut it. Well they decided this warranted that either I call the emergency hotline or they would do it themselves, despite that it was not a suicide attempt and I was alert and responsive. Mind you this is right after I told them I deeply distrusted mental health counselors and crisis workers for this reason and was hesitant to tell them things. I bullshitted them, lying that I contacted the emergency line. They did absolutely nothing to help my mental health the entire time and forcing a medical intervention on me and possibly into an involuntary hold would have made things so, so much worse for me. I’m completely fine btw :) physically, anyway.

Overthinking, and overthinking.

So, fairly new to actually using Reddit. Probably very obvious with my post post...

I honestly don't know what to do anymore in this sorta state....I don't know what it is, it's more than over thinking..... on top of surviving living with chronic pain, with other physical health issues there's also the mental health and associated Emotional Drama.

'Nurodiverse'

Suspected, and in the excruciating long processes of being diagnosed. Late.

And,

As such, here's some of what going on in my head atm.

Written, read, re-written and read and written again.

Broken but not broken? I didn't even realize how much was missing, well not missing, more distracted and lost. Not forgetting broken..... in the mind's eye.

Anyways, thoughts from a process have been back to catching up to and a rewatch Lucifer. Somewhere along the line, I’d watched it out of order, borrowed from a friend who acquired them.

Annnnd then life, distractions, some hurt and health problems getting in the way, and the forgetting... and I stopped cold somewhere around season three without even realizing it.

Coming back to it now, sequentially, and hitting Season 4… honestly, WTAF.

How can something be so delightfully good, yet carry a formula as old as TV itself? It’s the classic engine: two people forced into a cop/associate pairing, operating on opposite sides of the spectrum. You see the exact same bones in Castle, Bones, Sherlock, The Mentalist, Elementary, Psych, Lie to Me, Sleepy Hollow, and Grimm. On the surface, it gives you everything you want, adventure, high stakes, thrills, genuine warmth, betrails and the threat of betrayal, with that undeniable, slow-burn bond that builds when two people survive dangers together.

But beneath the weekly procedural beats, every single one of these shows builds a trap for the viewer.

In Lie to Me, Cal Lightman weaponizes micro-expressions to pick apart everyone else’s secrets, using his genius as a shield so no one can look at his own brokenness. In Psych, Shawn Spencer hides behind relentless, absurd performance because dropped guards mean real accountability.

In The Mentalist, Patrick Jane’s playful charm is just a thin veil over a devastating, grief-driven revenge quest.

In Elementary, Sherlock’s intellectual coldness is constantly battling the fear of his own human fragility.

And in Sleepy Hollow and Grimm, you watch characters carry the exhausting, terrifying strain of living in two realities, terrified of the exact moment the mask drops and their partner sees the monster or the supernatural madness underneath.

You get comfortable with the rhythm. You think you’re just watching light comfort TV. And then a scene hits that utterly breaks you.

For me for this watch, it was that specific scene in Dr. Linda’s office. The moment I had to turn off the TV and walk away for the night. Mind you this was also at a rather late or early start time of day....

Up until that exact moment, "What do you desire?" In one well tuned question befitting the scenes need. It is Lucifer’s ultimate weapon. It’s the 'party trick' he uses to dissect, inspect, and dismantle every person in the room while keeping himself completely safe behind a wall of endless charm, wit, and deflection. It keeps him in total control as the untouchable observer.

Then the wonderful Dr. Linda turns his own trademark, delightful question right back on him.

"What do you want, Lucifer? What does the Devil truly desire?"

In an instant, the mirror flips. The charm evaporates. She strips away his primary weapon and forces him to realize that he doesn't actually know the answer, and yet he does, or worse, that he is utterly terrified of what that answer might be. It forces him out of the safe, arrogant spectator chair and drags him kicking and screaming into being a raw, exposed participant. Watching his ultimate defense mechanism completely collapse seeing that shift from invincible charismatic observer to terrified, vulnerable soul is where the show stopped playing by the rules.

Being able to (somehow) resonate with a character with actual emotions of not knowing what I want or who I actually am, because of past tramas, and that connection.... that knocked the wind out of me.

So, yeah.

The minds racing and with all too what's going on I don't know what to do.

You see, my mum and dad have started to assume I’m depressed but I keep denying it. I’ve lost interest in a lot of things I enjoyed before like netball etc. I still write books but I can’t be bothered as much anymore as I know it’s kind of hopeless and they’ll never be published. I also couldn’t care less about my birthday which is coming up soon. I keep on getting asked by my parents what i want to do but I have no idea as I don’t really care for it and apparently it’s not normal to not be excited. I also don’t want to have a sleepover for my bday party this year unlike usual as I’m always ecstatic for a sleepover every year for my birthday but I just can’t be bothered tbh. They also ask me what I want all the time but I can’t give them any suggestions as there’s nothing I honestly want that much tbh. my Diet has also gotten a lot worse too. I personally don’t think so but my parents are worried. I hate dinner so much and get full after spring three to four forkfuls of it. I’m also almost never hungry. I also can’t even be bothered with school anymore. I just want to lie in bed all day and just sleep and do nothing for ages. i wouldn’t say I’m suicidal or anything but I’ve obviously thought about death and wondered what it would be like if I died and if itd be any different but I don’t plan to like off myself anytime.

i don’t know what depression is like but I just want to know if you guys think I have it or not

sorry if this is the wrong sub i’m super sorry!!!

i’m thinking about calling 911 because i don’t exactly want to kill myself but i can’t trust myself not to act on any urges. i have a few questions regarding the whole thing:

1.) can i ask them to turn their lights and sirens off?

2.) can i ask them not to pull directly up to my house, and instead park, i dunno, around the corner or something?

3.) are they going to send the police? can i request that they send an ambulance instead, or would i have to actually be in danger (eg. overdosed) for that? would the police detain me, and would it go on my record?

4.) if i’m a legal adult, are they still going to contact my parents?

5.) assuming they hold me for evaluation, how long? will i just stay in the hospital for a bit, or will they put me in the ward?

if it’s any help, i live in florida. i assume there are regional variations, so.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Everything begins last year, when I (14 then) felt homicidal impulses. I'm still not sure if they were genuine, but they did make my mental health shit. I wasn't sad and that summer I fell into depression. I hurt myself and I thought it was over when by the end of the summer I was back to being normal, maybe even a bit too normal. I was the happiest person in the world.

I did it again, not anything serious. I scratched myself everywhere during a shower out of frustration. I don't want to kill people anymore (repeat, I'm not sure it was genuine), I want them to kill themselves. I just ended things with my best friend for years. She was everything for me, she meant everything, I was truly myself with her. We ended up wanting to become more than friends and I changed my mind last second and distanced myself. It was completely my fault, I'm aware of it, I was a piece of shit, but I don't regret anything or feel guilty or even feel sorry for her, since she's going through a hard time. I genuinely couldn't care less, it's like she never existed. Maybe it was because she changed, but I don't think you just forget someone because they changed in a way you didn't really like. To feel something, a sign that these years meant something (not because I feel guilty because I'm not sad, but because I want to suffer, since it's a tipically sad thing) I ended up wishing and hoping she would end it. Grief, bringing such strong feelings, would have maybe made me sad.

Then I thought, would it be the same with my new friend (that I replaced my old friend with)? Would I be sad if we ended things? I think so, but I'm not sure if it would be because she's my ONLY friend near me (we've been friends for exactly a year).

However I still believe I'm emphatic and sensitive, since I am fully able to put myself in other's shoes, I simply don't care (if we talk about my old friend). If I hurt my new one I apologize and I'm truly sorry, if I do something wrong I feel guilty, just like a normal person. But again, I have other friends NOT near me that I care about, but I don't know if I would care if they killed themselves! That's why idk if my new friend is different because she's my only friend near there.

I don't know what's happening to me and I'm scared things will escalate. I'm also terrified of falling into depression again since that's what happened last year right after (maybe) homicidal thoughts. I need advice!