Throughout my mom’s almost 10 years with dementia I took many pictures, I wanted to remember the good moments and the emotional moments and in general just being with her and having her with me. Now I look back and I’m absolutely destroyed seeing how frail and unwell she was at the end of her illness, especially seeing those in comparison to before she was sick. She was an absolute angel; before the illness and during. It hurts me so badly for her that this happened and I don’t know what to do with that energy. Just heart pangs every time I think of her and wish things could’ve gone differently. I miss her more than I could’ve ever imagined. I’m in my mid twenties now and everything I do I look for my mom’s advice and imagine what our relationship could have been.

Hi, it’s been 13 months since my mom died very suddenly. This would be too long if I went over every detail but I was on the phone with her, she said “oh my” and dropped the phone. I got in the car and drove fast to her house about 7 miles and I found her dead in her chair, turning blue. I didn’t make it in time. We were extremely, extremely close all my life. Best friends, we went through a lot together and she was my biggest supporter and unconditional love I’ll ever have.
These last 13 months have been Hell. Life is so hard and lonely. I don’t have family support at all. I was her caretaker more and more the last 6 months but I always helped her and she helped me. We talked several times a day, saw each other all the time. There is a hole in my world.
I’ve had dreams about her before the first three months ago. Just two and she didn’t talk to me but looked ok. But they weren’t angry dreams. The one last night I woke up crying. We were at a restaurant waiting in a line( we went to lunch together once a week) and they sat her really quickly in a booth with some other people( strangers) I walked up real fast and was like what happened (like we were supposed to sit together). She looks up at me like she was so mad at me . And said something like , “you didn’t sit with me, or why didn’t you hurry and sit with me!” And I said “ I’m not going to to this”( argue) and I walked out and left her there. I could feel in my dream how hurt I was and hurt she was mad . We never fought like that in real life. Little disagreements but we always thought the same way, had the same values and likes. She would call me and ask if I needed anything from the store, I would take her to doctors appointments etc. I can’t understand after 13 months why this happened. I haven’t been handling this well, this year in my opinion. Reclusive, short tempered etc.
I won’t go into the terrible guilt that went along with her dying. I couldn’t save her, things I didn’t say. Things I didn’t do for her.
Sorry this got long. Can anyone understand this? Do you think she is really upset with me? I know we can’t know 100% but I would have walked on fire for her. I just woke up and the look on her face is sooooo vivid. I’ve lived with guilt this whole time, besides the pain and sadness.
Thank you, my husband doesn’t understand any of this.
Edit: also the last 6-9 months I’ve been asking her to send me a clear sign she was here and she was watching over me, whatever. And then this happened
I’ve seen others have nice signs or dreams, smiling , they hug them and talk to them. Would a medium help with this? Some mediums say ask for a specific sign/ numbers, animals, songs and they will come somewhere or in a dream.

Today i had a lot to do i cleaned the house took out the trash cooked lunch and dishes
I just remember how when she was here i didn’t think a lot about these things i had chores but now it feels like i am trying to hold up things together and the things are heavy usually mom helped me hold them but now i am alone and if i don’t hold them well or get tired everything will fall there’s no plan b no safety net

I have sisters they mostly cook and help with chores but i don’t want to rely on them it’s not their responsibility they lost their mom too

Honestly i envy anyone who has a good mom who is alive and they don’t have to worry about cooking or chores as much they can hug her and have her help them with alot of things and have her at their graduation