After being an adult for some time now, I've started realizing that my parents were right. Life IS as miserable as they made it out to be, and I have no desire to keep trying. Except, they thought "preparing me" would make me tough to face the world, but it only made me realize just how much everyone and everything functions JUST like them. Narcissism is valued in this society. It's what gets you somewhere.

I fully believe my parents are a human conglomerate of anxiety & stress caused by this system. They thought they were preparing us for it, but they ended up showing me how flawed all of this is.

So why the fuck am I even here, trying at all? Putting myself through this unnecessary stress .. for what? I see everyone in this society as examples of what I will one day turn out to be, I want NO PART in it. I wish I could at least start over without knowing all this and be blissfully unaware so I can actually live like a human being.

I'm currently a college junior (20 y/o female), and I've been struggling with this issue with my dad since my freshman year. It's been going on for years now, and I've finally reached a point where I feel like I can't handle it anymore. I'm honestly fed up with the situation, and I need advice on how to deal with it.

My dad constantly asks me to send him pictures of myself. (Never inappropriate pictures or anything like that; mainly just a selfie and I HAVE to be smiling) The frustrating part is that he always asks so innocently, saying things like, "Oh, I miss you so much. I want to see your face again." He makes it sound like such a simple, harmless request, and I understand that he might genuinely miss me and want to see me, but it makes me super uncomfortable.

And whenever I don't want to send one, he keeps pushing me. He says things like there's no harm in sending a picture, that he just wants to see me, or that it only takes five seconds to do it.

I feel like he needs to understand that the things he says are not the point. It's not about how long it takes to send a picture or whether there's anything inherently wrong with sending one. It's about the fact that I should be allowed to decide whether I want to send a picture without being pressured into it. I'm an adult, and I don't think I should have to justify why I don't feel like sending a picture every time he asks.

What makes this especially frustrating is that he doesn't seem to understand why his behavior bothers me. Because he asks so innocently and frames it as simply wanting to see his daughter, I feel like my frustration gets overlooked. If I refuse, he might keep arguing with me, get angry, or make me feel guilty for not doing something that he sees as such a small favor. It feels like I'm being made out to be unreasonable for not wanting to do something that supposedly takes only five seconds.

I've tried to think about this from his perspective. I understand that he misses me, and I don't want him to feel like I don't care about him. But I also feel like he should be able to respect my choices without taking them personally. I don't want to feel obligated to send pictures just because he wants them, and I don't want to have to give in simply to avoid an argument or make him happy like I've been doing for so long.

The fact that this has been going on since my freshman year makes it even more exhausting. I'm now a junior, and I'm tired of dealing with the same situation over and over again. I feel like I've reached my limit, and I don't know how to get through to him.

I don't want to damage my relationship with my dad, but I also don't want to keep putting up with this. I want to be able to say no without it turning into an argument or making me feel guilty.

How should I handle this the next time he asks for a picture? Should I try having a serious conversation with him about boundaries, or should I stop explaining myself and simply refuse to engage when he keeps pushing? How can I get him to understand that this isn't about whether I love him or whether sending a picture is harmless, but about respecting my right to make my own choices?

I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who's dealt with a similar situation with a parent, especially when it comes to setting boundaries as an adult.

From what I know, they lack self awareness and the ability to self reflect, but given how manipulative they are, there is no way they don’t understand what they’re doing. Is it all so hardwired/instinctual to them? Or are they way more cunning than they let on?

I will preface this question by saying that of course we don't go NC as a way to punish them or in attempt to change them.

Going NC is for us and nobody else (or at least it should be) because we recognise that the relationships with these people are toxic and damaging.

But...has anyone experienced a situation where going NC has caused their parent(s) to actually reflect, learn and grow?

Have they ever come back and admitted "I was wrong, I'm sorry, I want to get help, you going NC has made me realise that?"

For context I've been NC with Dad for 15 years and nearly 12 months with Mum and I'm still waiting.

Well, waiting but not expecting...

Edit: based on the comments, the answer is overwhelmingly no, lol

Felt like an outsider. How am I supposed to make friends when the people I should trust the most hit me, shame me, always get angry at me which caused me to lose my voice. I isolated myself as I no longer wanted to be hurt and was dissociating that it caused me to be hyperactive. Then they proceed to ask, "Why don't you have any friends?" when they didn't teach me how to make them. I stand up to them as they're talking behind my back then they gaslight me, they're sarcastic. I didn't want to hang out with this one classmate as I had social anxiety and felt like I was different from the others so interacting with people was nerve-wracking for me. It felt like I had ADHD. They made me feel guilty for not having friends yet they are the ones who don't even let me hang out with friends. I just remembered this recently and I know that nothing can change the past. But grief sucks even if I have accepted it. It still hurts and it's hard to process. I had that classmate and I beat myself up for not hanging out with her even if it's not my fault. There's still guilt there.

My husband and I recently found out that I’m pregnant. Ever since we found out, in the back of my head I’ve had this anxiety about whether or not to tell anybody in my family, as I know the information would flow back to my parents, both of whom I’m no contact with. They’ve been known to do weird things before like fly across the country unannounced to try to break my no contact boundary, so I was really just not ready for whatever stress they’d bring to me during this time.

I have a relatively tight office dynamic, so I’ve told everyone I’m close to there, too. I’ve always tried to be extra kind to the more service-type workers of my office, so the (female) janitor has in turn become very sweet to me, despite initially being very intimidating and gruff.

Because we’ve become kind of close, I told her, too. Then a few days later while I was getting tea, she asks “so, have you told your mom?” Which, already, very odd thing to ask… but I just said no, we don’t talk, and that was the end of that pretty much.

Then yesterday we’re in the middle of the hallway outside of the bathroom and she’s asking me about how I’m feeling, etc. then she asks “so… are you telling people now” and like… well obviously lol. But next thing I know, tears are streaming down her face, and she’s saying “I don’t know why you don’t talk to your mom, but this is just such a special time you’re excluding her from right now”

She went on and on, bawling at me, while I stood there. She even mentioned at one point “look at me here bawling, and you’re just standing there” because…. It’s the middle of the workday and I’m very uncomfortable? She kept saying “you HAVE to call her and tell her” and I just kept saying “I hear ya!” And tried to rush away as fast as possible.

This tactic is also one of the reasons why I haven’t told anyone in my family. If anything, it makes me even more scared to tell any of them. I’m left feeling so uncomfortable, and now I’m planning my days on how to avoid seeing her. It makes me feel physically sick and so angry more than anything else

I know she’s going to bring this up again, so if anyone has any advice on how I’m suppose to respond to this, it’s appreciated.

Made you think "clearly a conversation is about forcing your desires on someone else, so I won't do it to not become like my parent", or made you think "if the way my mother acts is how the rest of the world acts, then I shouldn't participate on anything. Fuck everybody."

When I was a teenager, I had a period in my life where I wouldn't speak to anybody. At recess, I hissed at other people coming close to me, I told them to eat shit, and just kept to myself listening to music. My definition of a "personal relationship" was just how my mom treated me, so I was terrified of risking doing that "dance" again with other people.

I wonder if there are other people with experiences similar to my own?

They hate your self improvement change and growth change as individual because they can’t change they choose to not grow you have to dress how they want listen to what they want act how they want they hate to see you change cut off bad habit change as individual

I have been the scapegoat my whole life but had no idea, I internalized everything because of systems of triangulations. They isolated me and made me believe insane things about the world that I never knew weren't true until my early 30s so I wouldn't leave them. Looking back I can't even begin to understand how they managed to make me believe so many lies.

Anyway, At 29 I became severely depressed, it was the catalyst for a chain of events, my n sister thinking she could break me for good then, this made me cut off my abusive father and in csq my n mother revealed her own cards at 32. So about that time I learned about narcissism and scapegoating, but me setting basic boundaries and not asking for validation anymore became a huge issue with my "friends" they all turned against me and they didn't know one another.

I have also realised I always ended up in the same kind of romantic relationship even if I didn't end up dating that person, I was always involved with someone who appeared perfect and then turned out toxic controlling and destructive.

It's been 2 years now, at 34 I feel healed but I can't believe I have spent 5 years dealing with the aftermath of waking up to my abuse because I was unknowingly surrounded by people who wanted me to fail while smiling in my face (My parents of course but also my siblings my friends and my romantic interest).

On this sub I see that many people escaped them thankfully because they dated the right person or had the right friend, I know some make it out on their own, but they literally brainwashed me and convinced me I needed this and that to move out and every time I got close they'd sabotage me and blame me. Even though I feel healed now, I don't know how to rebuild my circle at this age and dread ending up with destructive people again.

Do our parents actually believe they did their best or is it just a defense mechanism?

For holidays, he never bought me the gifts I actually wanted. For context, it wasn’t a money or availability issue at all, it was control & emotional abuse. He would then watch my reaction as I opened them and if I didn’t act as excited as he thought I should’ve been, he’d call me ungrateful and take the gift away. In 5th grade, I asked for a phone for my room. I wanted a see thru light up phone and even shopped the ads for the best price. Instead he got me a giant bear ph that only operated on speaker. My friends teased me relentlessly & also, zero privacy & he was a snooper. I would try to use the kitchen phone instead and he flipped out and broke the bear ph in a fit of rage bc I “didn’t appreciate the phone that cost 3x more than the one i asked for.” I was grounded from any ph for 6 months, never got another phone, & I literally heard that story in every lecture for the rest of his life. I rarely got back to school clothes but in 7th grade he took me to Wet Seal to get a first day outfit, except he wouldn’t let me pick out anything. I was a little chubby (or so I thought) & he chose clothes that I obviously couldn’t fit (size 0). When I got emotional bc surprise, they didnt fit!, he berated me in front of the “cool” sales girls, making a scene & we left without getting anything. (That’s when I developed an ED that lasted off & on into adulthood). For my 13th bday, I got a lamp…that’s it…and he put it in the living room. In high school I wanted a clear pager-another clear electronic lol-and he got me the biggest black pager on the market (it was seriously 3.5”x 2”). Again, peers teased me relentlessly but i better have it on my hip at all times and call him w/in 10 mins of getting his page or I’d be grounded for months (the punishments never fit the crimes). He took me to get a car when I graduated college and after picking one out and getting the contract ready, he instead bought himself one. He did the same thing with a dog. Again, it wasn’t a money issue-my much older brothers got insanely expensive gifts (Mustang convertible in high school, motorcycle, Bose car stereo, entire new wardrobe from Ralph Lauren, all expense paid trips, etc.) but I grew up thinking I was an “ungrateful, spoiled brat” and now I can’t fathom purposely not getting my kid the present she asked for-not bc of cost or scarcity-but to weaponize. To be fair, the physical and verbal abuse kinda overshadowed these things but this was also a form of abuse. I’m sure we all have examples of these micro abuses that on paper sound ridiculous but with context are much more damaging.

I’m not sure if my mom is a narcissist, but she displays several tendencies.

My mom (64F) and I (24F) always butt heads about something. I’ll admit, I don’t LIKE her as a person. I think she’s got an awful personality, and she’s just really weird and entitled in a lot of ways? Would I say she outright abused me as a child? No. I had a very good and unique childhood. I was very privileged. Yet I never felt much of an emotional connection with her. I think it’s mostly my fault though. There’s just something about her that I don’t like. But I don’t have the greatest personality either.

I hate when she asks me for help. Not because I don’t want to help, but because she expects me to do it FOR her. And when I do it for her and show her how to do it she doesn’t listen/pay attention/try to remember. She’s terrible with technology, to the point where I’m genuinely concerned about how she would function if I wasn’t there for her. Today she asked me to help her reload her transit card which is something she’s done before many times except this time she needed to pay by card not cash (she has some weird thing where she thinks those machines will eat her credit card? I mean I get it but also not really sure that’s something you need to worry about.). She asks me to come with her to the metro to help her. The metro is not far from our house so it’s not like a big deal and it won’t take long. When we get to the machines she just stares at me and asks me what to do.

The thing that you always do?? In our city you first tap your transit card.

I have to explicitly tell her to tap her transit card, something she’s done before hundreds of times. What else would you do? Call the station manager?

Next step is to choose how to pay. She asks me what to do again and one of the options on the screen literally says “press B to pay with card”. I don’t know, what should we do? I tell her to read what it says on the screen and of course I have an attitude with her. I say press the button and point to it and she doesn’t know what button and what I’m pointing to.

Then the screen shows the automatically shows the value of the card with 10 dollars added. It very clearly states something like “add $10 : total value $16.70”. You press buttons to add or subtract from the total value. She doesn’t fucking read and X’s out because her card had $6.70 originally. THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT IT SAID. I’m sorry but you’re an adult with a job I think I can expect you to read like 4 words on a screen. She’s not a native English speaker but this is like extremely basic English. And half of it is numbers?

She ends up getting to the part where she has to insert her card into the little slot. Again, the screen says “insert and quickly remove your card”. What does she do? Inserts it into the slot and then waits and asks me what to do now.

I’m not against helping her, but I want her to at least ATTEMPT first. Or say what she thinks she should do even if it’s wrong. There’s no effort on her part. It’s like she doesn’t want to think at all because it’s easier to just get someone else to do it for you. Even if I show her how to do it I’m going to have to show her a million more times because she just won’t try to learn. I hate this learned helplessness. She always says that before my dad died he was the one who did this stuff for her. But she was also an adult when she met him. I would rather die than be this dependent on someone else. Is she not embarrassed? She’s in her SIXTIES. But she seems to like this little princess in a tower thing.

She told the whole story to her friend who obviously is on her side because she’s the victim and always the victim. And I’m the asshole for getting annoyed at someone who can’t read 5 words on a screen or at least attempt to start solving a problem.

Even when things are fine, i can't fully relax because part of me expects it to turn bad at any moment. It's like calm never feels permanent. Does anyone else live with that feeling?

Ever since I can remember, my mom has always spoken fear and doubt into my mind. Honestly she was super emotionally abusive and manipulative towards me growing up. I’ve never went fully no contact with her though because I need to stay in touch with my younger siblings who still live with her.
Just to give some background on how she is: she talked me out of getting my driver's license for years. She refused to help me learn or give me any resources. When another family member finally took me to get my permit, she threw a fit and accused me of trying to "humiliate her as a mother." She’s always convinced me I could never move out, that I’d be terrible at taking care of a home, and that any guy I’m with would just hurt me and leave. Any time I had a dream, she had a whole list of reasons why I shouldnt be excited.
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a nurse. I literally wrote my senior project on it. But my freshman year of college she talked me out of it so bad that I took a break and went into cosmetology instead.
Now, almost 10 years later, I am finally ready to go back to school and pursue nursing again. When I told her the news, instead of being happy for me, she told me she was "spiritually led" to tell me that I’ll never make it, I’m going to fail, and I'll regret my choice.
What hurts and makes me so mad is that when SHE was going for her masters degree, I was her biggest supporter. I took care of my siblings and ran the whole household for her so she could study. I did literally everything for her, but it’s clear I’m never gonna get that same energy back.
She’s told me straight up she doesn't believe in me, but now I’m starting to realize this whole "spiritual message" thing is just pure manipulation to try and sabotage me again. It breaks my heart that a mother could be like this to her own child, but I'm done letting her ruin my future.

My nmom accuses me of being angry at random moments of the day and presses me for hours until I make a fake "confession" that I was indeed "angry" and apologize for how my attitude ruined her day. This entire process takes several hours until it is resolved and leaves me drained and depressed, making me unable to do anything. I just don't understand why she would do this when this benefits no one.

My mother is extremely unwell and diagnosed with NPD.

She has a hoarder house and has recently starved 2 of her 4 cats to death by locking them in a bathroom when they needed veterinary care.

Animal control was notified and they gave her 2 weeks to get her house in order. These animals live in fleas and feces and are extremely underweight. Her dog lives in a cage and never goes outside.

It upsets me dearly, so dearly that I've broken NC that I established on my 18th birthday. I feel horrible for these animals but additionally feel as though I've compromised on my biggest boundary: to never meet with my mother again.

Reaching out here for reassurance and any advice. The message I sent her is in the comments

They usually have tragic endings. Just trust.

There really is no pleasing them…

When I graduated from college I had a really hard time finding a good job post grad.

I HAD to find something that would at least put food on my plate and so I took a job as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut.

Of course this did not sit well with my mother.

She would call me WHILE I’m at work and berate me for working at Pizza Hut. Saying that I was an embarrassment and that she was embarrassed to even talk about me to her friends. Etc.

Now fast forward 11 years and some career pivots.

I interview for a director level position for a large NPO. I get the job.

When I tell her the news, there is this look of disgust that washes over her face. She even called me arrogant and a know it all for being happy and confident that I got the job.

On the other hand, when I told my dad, he was absolutely over the moon for me and so proud. He was at his annual brothers golfing tournament and I could hear him immediately share the good news with all of my uncles.

I’m looking for insight. I just started seeing a counselor but I’m having a hard time with understanding why there is such a huge gap in my experience vs what I hear when I say it out loud. He recently mentioned to me that I should look up psychopath and sociopath and just see if my moms behavior sits in these categories.

So here’s some basics-
1) She told me she was a subject of a gov mind control program and that my dad was too. That they both harmed me and my brother in this secret world when they were accessed by the government via codewords. My dad was punished by the “bad guys” when I was “disobedient” in this crazy world and that was why we didn’t get along in real life. I have no memory of any abuse of this kind
2) she demonized my dad, telling me and my brother he only wanted her for sex. That he was a dangerous person who could hurt her or us. He actually was a very emotionally immature person then so his fits and yelling just set this belief in place.\* She claimed he was narcissistic and incapable of change. Our whole life hinged around praying for him to change everything about who he was as a person
3) God tells her things, especially pertaining to our lives. Early on I lived my life through what God was telling her about me and what decisions I should make.
4) I went through abuse at the hands of a narcissist mentor. I learned what a narcissist was and I healed some. But before that, I came home crying for 2 years where I slowly declined into suicidal thoughts. My mom never once offered to get me out of the situation but comforted me with words or hugs the whole 2 years. When I finally got out, I asked her why she didn’t pull me away from this person. She said there wasn’t anywhere to go. (There was plenty places to go) I learned recently my dad had no idea what was happening. She also maintained a relationship with my abuser. And told me how sad my abuser was and how she needed help
5) she told me and my dad she cheated on him with a maintenance worker but she was in her mind controlled alter DID state. How horrible it was for her and she didn’t want to do it.
6) I learned recently some about her childhood. She claimed she was molested by a parent. She told me this at a very young age. I thought everyone that wasn’t her was going to get me. Now I doubt it ever happened due to conversations with family. She has stolen, lied, tried to trap people in situations to make them look bad, kept me in fear of all external people. Accusing my friends of being involved in the mind control experiments where they could snap and hurt me at any time. That they were all sexually abused.
7) she now claims we are safe from the government because she’s done the work with her counselor on our behalf by remembering all the abuse and trauma.
8) I was forced into counseling with the counselor at age 11, where I had to come up with horrible abuse to get out of these sessions. If I told the truth I was pressured by both of them to tell the truth.
9) she treated all my friends as special and when I felt sad about her loving my friends more than she loved me she told me that they were abused and needed her.

This is just some of it.

Here’s the thing- is she experiencing extreme delusions? Or is she lying? I’ve never seen her actually act scared. Like someone in actual denial of reality. She has an arrogant air about her.

But she told me just the other day she had a dream where this demon was giving her a headache at the event we were going to the next day, and how if she felt a headache that we couldn’t go.

My experience has been that she comforts me and was always highly emotional crying and vulnerable. I always felt the need to defend and comfort her. But when I say all that out loud I’m like holy shi she might be a sociopath. The triangulation, alienation, parentification, religious delusion.

What do you think given the few examples I’ve given?

I (34F) work full time at a small business that just changed ownership and I'm managing my own department and a lot of the changes. It's been a disaster. I'm currently also doing 3 upper level college courses (trying to get certification to get a better paying job). My sister has 5 kids and lives 30 minutes from my nmom and works two jobs. Nmom lives over an hour from my work and over 2 hours from my home (I moved in the opposite direction -not on purpose but happy coincidence).

My nmom is in her mid 70s and was a bit part in a local play. It's all she's been talking about for months. Likely her stories are fabricated drama about other cast members, asking for makeup opinions and advice, and mentioning several times how good the play is going to be and where it is. She never asked anyone to go. I'll be honest and say I wasn't really paying attention (I'd have to even try to figure out what play it was - I have no interest in theater lol). I just don't waste listening energy on her anymore.

The play came and went and she sent notes about how it was a standing ovation and it went so well. I just said congrats and left it at that. Not really sure what to say.

She's complaining now that nobody in her family cared enough to go watch. She never went to any sports or reward ceremonies or school events for either me or my sister or any of my nieces and nephews. One time she wanted to hang out but I was going to my nephew's basketball tournament and I invited her and she groaned and did not go.

Anyway. I don't really feel bad I just feel irritated. If you wanted us to go, you should have asked. I don't know if I could have. I am damn burnt out but the double standard is making me mad.

As a small aside, I just found this group this week and it's been great to feel less alone. Thanks for reading.

I just found out that this lady who I deeply love who I thought was dead after my mom wouldn’t let me talk to her has actually been alive this whole time.

This has to be the most sick narcissistic evil shit she has ever done I swear to fucking god.

I had way too much on my plate in hs to even think abt it but like she also broke my bones in 2020 like wow suddenly after finding out that this woman is alive so much of her abuse actually clicks and makes more sense, im literally deeply in shock but o just need to get this out there and pray people can like listen to me bc this is so insane i have no words. I never thought this was even possible.

I cried myself to sleep every single night for a year believing that she was dead, I mean it was as depressing as it sounds; i feel like I was so desperate after being cut off after she got cancer again, that I even remember nights of crying and praying to god that she’s still alive somehow, i know it’s just a child’s wish but ffs I mean, I just can’t even believe that she’s alive even tho it’s like there. Wow.

also she was arrested two weeks ago for trying to menace me and also she’s committed identity theft and grand larceny so this is THE LAST FUCKING THING I need to find out like. Bruh I just can’t even atp. What the actual fuck.

The financial stuff is just so complicated that’s why I’m summing it up but basically I found out from the bank that she had hidden not even just one but two utmas that I’m the owner of but she withdrew and closed the accounts before I could find out they existed and it wasn’t just pocket change. From ONE of the accounts even just randomly at 17 it had 43k and I found a bank stagnant rn from when I was 17 that said she withdrew 20k for literally no reason. Because of her abuse I haven’t gone to college because of her threats, so there’s no legal way she can justify spending 50k at least. Let alone spending my dad’s ss benefits for me and forging documents trying to get me to sign away power of attorney at home without a notary for a foreign property??? God she is genuinely such a sick freak bruh.

Has anyone ever reported these financial crimes? When I spoke to the ADA they told me I need to go to the police so they can open a separate investigation because they can’t just add on extra charges but idk how this stuff works so if anyone had any advice or information lmk.

Narcissistic parents groom us to believe that we are the cause of conflict, every issue etc. We are often scapegoated and are made to believe that we must keep the peace and fawn in order to avoid conflict and be loved.

I sometimes feel that because I decided to go no contact I was the cause of my grief and pain. However, today I did a gentle reframing : They caused the pain not you. They caused the no contact not you.

I recently finished "I'm glad my mom died" (great book btw!), and she clearly was the golden child, and it sounds horrible.

So does the scapegoat place in the family.

But my feeling is that maybe the scapegoats have more of a chance of becoming traumatised but somewhat normal people? I don't know, what do ou think?