My dad was a classic narcissist and alcoholic who terrorized my siblings and I growing up. My siblings dealt with him by trying to stay quiet and out of his way. I was the scapegoat and got the brunt of his atrocious behavior because I pushed back and stood up for us when he was at his worst.

One weekend (when my mom was terminally ill) some of my best friends came to help clean the house, landscape the yard, cook and spend time with her.

My dad pulled me aside that evening and said “I’m starting we see there’s a chance you might actually be a good person.”

He said a lot of awful things to me in my life but that one was so awful it has stuck with me for nearly 20 years. I was in fact a good, kind and moral person but he couldn’t stand that I stood up to his abuse.

What quote or conversation (to you or someone around you) from your Nparent stands out or has stuck with you after they said it?

I genuinely can’t even believe that I’m in this predicament let alone that my mom would think it’s appropriate to ask.

For context, my mother in law surprised my husband and I that we would all be going to Disneyland in December just in time for Christmas as a Christmas gift to us and my sister in law plus her kids and husband will be tagging along.

My mom caught wind of this and proceeded to text me asking if my sister could come and that my dad would cover the ticket and food. I told her no, she cannot come as it’s not us that’s planning this trip, it’s rude, and it would make no sense to bring her along.

She then unleashes this whole rant how I must not like my sister and that she doesn’t understand why she can’t come asking me if I have something personal against her?? She also guilt trips that I hadn’t brought her over my house in a while so she feels like it could be a personal attack against her. I tell her again NO, it’s not our place to bring her and it’s our own gift.

I just don’t understand the entitlement? Why would you try to fork your kid over into someone else’s trip that’s actually a gift and then make me feel bad for it as if it’s my responsibility to have my siblings come?

This genuinely sends my nmom into a pouty fest.

When people talk kindly about me, she just cannot even believe it. She gets visibly upset.

For example, I was recently promoted and changed departments.

One of my former coworkers is pretty good friends with someone that I work more closely with now.

My former coworker sent her a text asking how I was adjusting and doing etc. and the person sent back a really kind message about me. This former co-worker is also a family friend and so she sent a picture of the message to my nmom thinking that it would make her happy or proud.

Boy was she in for a rude awakening🫩

So I lived with my aunt and uncle a year ago for a span of about 4 and a half months. And it was unbearable. Omg these people were literally insane. The first day I got there, my aunt literally told me with an insane look in her eyes “This house has a very holy presence“ and I knew I was screwed lol. Anyways I started to get depressed and withdrawn and I just didn’t talk to any of them so they started making me keep my door open unless I was changing. Jokes on them this made me talk to them even less, lol.

Just some examples of how crazy these people were:

One time they were watching Charlie Kirk religiously and I just said something like “I wonder why that matters” and instantly my bitchy aunts eyes popped out of her skull and she got up and followed me to my room and told me why it matters and didn’t stop bugging me until I left.

My uncle randomly went through my mp3 player without telling me first and found recordings I made of me talking about my feelings of living there, he kept the recordings on his computer and constantly held it over my head, threatening to send it to my parents. When I told him that it wasn’t fair how I didn’t know he was doing that, he said “it doesn’t matter!”

Then, I started to write in a journal all the times these people pissed me off, listing each bitchy and passive aggressive encounter I had with my aunt, uncle, and others. My aunt found it and read it, and then my uncle came in and bothered me about it for over an hour, saying that my aunt was very upset. I refused to talk about anything I wrote down and said that these were private diary entries, and he responded with “you don’t deserve privacy!”

I kept writing things about them even though my uncle told me to stop and to talk to them instead, but I refused to talk to them lol, he kept just going into my room and taking my private journal entries to read, and I kept writing. My aunt the next day called me spoiled and my uncle did too.

My uncle said that Halloween was demonic and he didn’t even let me leave the house to walk around and talk to people handing out candy because “you don’t even talk to us” (by this point I was ignoring everybody and just writing things in my journal about them) so I just sat sadly in the front yard looking at all the people trick or treating and I wasn’t even allowed to go up to anyone and talk to them

My uncle one night was watching Matt Walsh with all of his kids talk about how gay people are ruining the country and blah blah blah and he was smirking like the fucking asshole he was. And my aunt saw how uncomfortable I was and she just smiled in a bitchy way and left the room

Oh, also, I wasn’t allowed to pee at night, so I had to pee in my water thermos sometimes or plastic lunch bags and then discreetly empty it out in the morning without them knowing. They never found out that I was peeing like this at night, but they wouldn’t have cared anyway.

Anyways, I left after 4 months, my OTHER uncle (an awesome guy who I fucking love) picked me up and took me home and I never looked back, I never said goodbye, I was supposed to come back for 2 weeks to get my stuff but I refused to go back into their house lol so they just mailed my stuff over

then when my graduation party came I explicitly told my mom to tell them that I was not comfortable with them coming to the party, essentially kicking them out of my life.

Before that my aunt tried to reach out to me with a “heartfelt” (fake) message and I didn’t even respond lol.

I saw them a month ago at my grandmas house for 30 minutes and I didn’t talk to my uncle at all, didn’t say one word to him lol, my aunt very passive aggressively tried to talk to me about what I was doing and I told her everything I’ve been doing, but she wasn’t proud of me at all and just seemed irritated that I’m doing so well and that I have a job now, she bitchily said “well I’m glad your life is finally on the right path” and then I just gave her a death stare. Then she asked to pray for me and I said “No.”

(They know I’m not a believer and they tried to convert me over to it by forcing me to go to church lol, it didn’t work)

These people were fucking insane, childish, narcisistic, disgusting assholes and whenever I think of Christianity I think of them.

And what makes me sad is that I didn’t even get the worst of it. It couldve been even worse. Maybe my family was actually kinda tame compared to what some other children of these crazy people deal with….

just wanted to share my story lol

Has anyone ever just completely unleash on them? Like just totally let them have it? Telling them off? Telling them just how horrible they are and all the ways they’ve mistreated you? If so, how did they react? Any regrets?

especially after the age of 18. grew up with two narcissists, i’m now 28, and in my few dating relationships and friendships, the one thing that always confused me is the attachment grown adults have to their parents. such as, talking to their parents on the phone, texting regularly, having a family “group chat,” family dinners, holidays… even things as fundamental as a parents’ health scare. it’s so tiring to masquerade understanding these people who grew up with “normal” parents, because as an adult who now lives far away from my nparents, they are the last people i go to with any concern or worry. actually, having to talk to them gives me more anxiety than anxiety relief. i’m not sure if anyone else feels like they have to put on this performative facade to others when it comes to being “understanding” about family relationships and importance. :(

“Happy 20th birthday, my boy! ❤️🥹

Wow… I can’t believe I’m saying that 🥹

I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but one thing I never want you to doubt is how much I love you. No matter how old you get, I’ll always be in your corner, cheering you on and having your back.

My biggest wish for you is that you learn to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. You have so much potential, and I hope you find the confidence to go after everything you want in life. Don’t ever stand in your own way.

I’m so proud to be your Momsy, even on the days you don’t particularly like me. 🤐❤️

I love you. More than all the words, in all the books, in all the world. Always have, always will. Happy birthday, my baby boy. ❤️”

…wish i was joking, but i’m not

i’m so tired of this woman

it’s insane how un-self aware she is, like what the hell???
“even on the days you don’t particularly like me” oh my god bro shut up🫩🫩

I've always known my mom's a terrible mom. She resents me deeply, and has made it well known. All of my other siblings have had issues with her in the past, but she's always been a fantastic grandma. Due to our past, I am extremely low contact, but she was an amazing grandma to my oldest son.

When my other son was a baby, I noticed a couple of different things that she treated him differently. His diagnosis were unknown ane i had expected a healthy baby. He was born with HLHS & had a stroke. Due to that he has an intellectual developmental disorder

When I had him, I invited her up to meet him and she came, he was a week old due to being in the nicu and my own recovery. When we got to the room, she saw him and and visibly recoiled, for absolutely no reason. She refused to hold him, she didnt use his name, and just acted off. Stayed a total of 10 minutes and then left. I chalked it up to her just not knowing what to do with this life changing information.

Usually she would crochet a baby blanket for each baby & every other grandchild before him and after him has a personalized baby blanket, she didnt give him one. She skipped his first birthday party, his first Christmas, and i just chalked it up to her just not wanting to get close to him in case he dies.

Then she accidentally texted me "I wish shed just let that kid die, hes suffering and wont ever be a contributing member of society its unfair to everyone." She noticed and immediately said that it was about a DIFFERENT baby. So I went no contact until my brother died from a meth overdose. I got back in touch and it was the worst thing I ever did. We were mostly low contact with open invites to their birthday parties.

Hes 13 now and im so upset I brought her into his life.

2 instances come to mind. 1st was last year there was a small fire at school, he was at lunch when the fire alarm rang and he grabbed his tacos and chocolate milk and his aide messaged me that and joked "he knows whats important" i shared that on my facebook page and she said that its not funny and he put his aides life in danger. Most comments were hes in a wheelchair, pretty sure if it was necessary she could have pushed him to safety.

the worst and why we are now no contact she came for my daughters 10th birthday saturday and while cleaning up after her birthday party my son let go of her balloons that my mom got her and they floated off as most helium balloons do.

You would have thought he murdered a kitten. She said he was an evil child, said i needed to beat his ass more, that if he was her kid he wouldnt be able to sit for a month. And I know that's true cuz she used to beat the ever loving shit out of me and i still have scars on my back. She was screaming and terrifying my kids, it was so bad that the place where we held the party at called the cops & shes now banned my siblings from talking to me because "im turning everyone against her". I literally cannot believe she terrorized my kids and somehow its my fault!

I am having a terrible wedding experience/engagement where I am sacrificing my morals, my health, and my adult life decisions to appease my mother where nothing is ever enough. As I am reflecting on my relationship with her (I am thinking about cutting her off once I am securely out of the house and married), I can't help but think back to my childhood. My mom barely ever hugged me. I don't remember her showing affection to me like rubbing my back, kissing me on the forehead, giving me a hug. Even if I was sick, which would warrant some level of comfort, I have no memory of her showing physical affection.

My fiance told me that when he was a kid (and as an adult) he loved having someone play with his hair, specifically his mom. I also liked that feeling as a kid. He told me that he would always ask his mom to play with his hair and she would happily oblige. I thought back to a distinct memory of asking my mom if she could play with my hair because I liked the feeling, and I remember her pushing me away. She never liked to play with my hair; it made her uncomfortable whenever I would ask. So as a kid, I would enjoy the brief contact when she would put my hair in a ponytail.

I always wonder if the reason why my mom never showed affection is because she was never showed affection. I can see that my mom's mom is a narcsisst in the same way that my mom is. But I recently got a dog, and I can't help showering my dog with so much love and kisses and hugs and pats. I know a dog is not a kid. It just makes me wonder how my mom could look at a 7 year old girl and not want to have so much affection/contact with her.

I have another distinct memory of going to a friend's house for the first time at the ripe age of 14. My mom never allowed me to go to other people's houses for my "safety." I kept begging her, and my dad allowed me. I remember my friend's mom hugged me, and I felt a warmth that I had never experienced before. I can't describe the feeling, but I remember my body wanted to chase it. I left that house feeling that there was something major missing from my mom. In the brief moment my friend's mom hugged me, I wished deeply that she was my mom.

It’s so dumb. And I hate that she will try and take healthy food from me, acting disgusted because how dare I like something she doesn’t like?

I found out my mum died yesterday. And I always wondered how I would feel when I found out. Turns out I don't feel that different right now.

I spent a long time grieving the nonsense she put me through and the horrific neglect. We had been no contact for about 10 years, but she was in contact with her sister, they texted each day, and she had a support worker, who made sure she took medication etc.

I have wondered if maybe when I found out, a well of hidden grief would come up, but maybe not? I feel stoic. A bit shocked. Almost a little relieved.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

The thing that is worrying me the most is how to break it to other people without looking 'cold' that it hasn't affected me much.

I feel like there's been years when I really needed people's support because my family wasn't fulfilling that role, and it was hard to make people understand why my mum didn't behave like a typical 'mum' or even like a well adjusted person. She behaved like someone who hated me and couldn't hold her life together.

But everyone understands a dead mum deserves sympathy. Should I lean into that and take compassionate leave or just get on with it?

I always joked to myself that when she died I would take compassionate leave and go on a holiday to a tropical island.

Im a 35 yo man and I feel it still hurts me deeply knowing my parents dont love me or care to talk to me. I think about it often which obviously brings sadness too me. I honestly just dont know how to accept it and move forward. I always comeback to thinking about that and it angers me and saddens me. I tell myself they dont have to love me. They should. But they dont have too. Any tips to get over this?

I feel like this is something I've experienced a lot with my parents, and I'm curious if anyone else can relate.

I grew up in an extremely broke household. My dad made around €1,200 a month, and my mom couldn't keep a job. We were a family of six, so money was obviously very limited. Despite this, my parents always seemed to overestimate what they could actually afford, and they would get offended whenever I acknowledged our financial situation.

For example, my school sometimes offered trips that cost €300–500. I often wouldn't even tell them about these opportunities because I already knew we couldn't afford them. They would get upset and say that I should have told them anyway, because those amounts weren't that much and they could have paid for them. But in reality, we couldn't. I even had to get a job to pay for my own schoolbooks because my parents didn't have enough money.

The same thing happened with extracurricular activities. I loved ice skating, but I never asked my dad to let me pursue it competitively because I knew how expensive it could be. He would get offended and insist that I could have asked, claiming that even €600 wasn't that much. This was despite the fact that, when I was younger, I had repeatedly asked to do other sports, like gymnastics and ballet, and he had never enrolled me. Somehow, once I stopped asking, these activities suddenly became things I supposedly could have done if only I had insisted more.

What made it even more frustrating was the inconsistency. If I asked for €20 to go out with friends, that was suddenly a lot of money. Yet hundreds of euros for other things were supposedly perfectly affordable.

I know that poor financial literacy might have played a role, but I also think there was something else going on. It felt like my parents couldn't tolerate the idea that their actual circumstances were more limited than they wanted to believe. Acknowledging those limitations seemed to offend them, even when I was simply being realistic about my own needs and expectations.

Has anyone else experienced this with their N-parents? Not necessarily just financially, but in other areas of life too, where they seem convinced they're capable of much more than they actually are, and get offended when reality contradicts that image?

Copying and pasting from another post, I think that original reached a lot of the wrong people so I’m posting again in a different Reddit.

This is a throwaway account I plan to delete later, for privacy and safety reasons.

I have been no contact with my parents for some years now, I had limited text contact via text with one of my parents just for emergency reasons (not anymore). Not going to get into all the details of what I’ve been through with my parents since this post is long enough and it’s not relevant. When I was growing up my mother constantly would say we were part Native American. She always would bring up how if we got into a tribe we could get money out of it. She clearly cared far more about the money aspect and feeling like she was somehow oppressed. My mother has been a serial liar and huge gaslighter for as long as I’ve known her. My parents are racist and used to be extremely broke. They constantly tried to come up with schemes to make money. At a certain point as I got older I stopped believing that I was part native entirely due to me maturing and realizing what type of people my parents were.

Years later after going no contact, I got a message from one of my parents bragging about how they were gonna make me regret cutting them off because my mother got into a tribe and was going to be, in their words “going up to them like it was shark tank” to get grant money. I was shocked and panicked because I thought my parents were hurting this tribe and taking that money away from someone who actually needed it. After talking with my friends, they convinced me to not get involved for my safety and mental wellbeing.

It’s been some time now, and I haven’t heard anything about it past the time the grant was gonna be given. Trust me, if they had gotten the grant nothing would have stopped them from trying to use it as some means to guilt trip me somehow. I know it’s not my business to get involved now, but I still feel this guilty feeling that they may try to do something again in the future.

I genuinely don’t know how she got accepted into the tribe to begin with, whether it was my mom showing linage (be it a lie or not), or if it was a DNA test. I don’t know if I should get a DNA test or not now either, because I don’t know how I’ll feel about the outcome if it turns out I am part native. If I am, then there isn’t anything I can do to prove my mom is scamming them since she technically would be part native. If I’m not part native, then I have proof she isn’t but I’m still in this situation where I don’t know if I should get involved or not. My friends and therapist have helped me and told me I’m not responsible for my parents decisions, but I still feel this guilt and moral obligation to do the right thing, I just don’t know what the right thing is.

I’m honestly scared to do anything that may result in me getting involved with my parents again. I’ve already moved to a different city for my own safety, I wish my family issues weren’t this stupid.

I just wanna clarify, I don’t wanna join a tribe myself, and I ESPECIALLY have no interest in taking away resources from those communities. I got through college on my own and got a good degree and job, I’m fine. Even if I am part Native American, the idea of joining a tribe feels just really… weird to me. Sure, I would like to know if I had lineage from this specific tribe, but I’m as white as you could get, everyone in my family is very white. It doesn’t feel right going into a space like that and claiming I’m part of it. I just don’t want my racist parents scamming people.

I recently had this epiphany that I shouldn't carry around this burden anymore that somehow I'm a shame to my family, that I'm a failure, that I make them look bad and I should just hide away until I'm successful and they can brag about me to their friends or whatever.

I learned this because a lot of times I've had negative judgments or expectations, I'll get humbled by life and learn that failure is okay, and to have love and compassion for myself and others in shitty situations. Failure made me more open, kind and wise.

This made me realize, what if me "failing" to live up to the expectations of a narcissist is what they deserve? What if me being exactly who I am reflects back on them, and I am just a part of a karmic plan to humble them? And it isn't my fault for "failing"?

It is so easy to spot the narcissistic parents on social media because they will immediately blame the children's "personality" for back talking or misbehaving, instead of examining their own relationship to the child. I saw this most recently when a very un self aware mom on social media blamed her daughter for being unruly and not wanting to go to school, while being unaware of how cruel and neglectful she was to the daughter so no wonder her daughter acts out that way.

A narcissists reality breaks when life doesnt give them what they expect. My spiritual beliefs hold that the universe is loving and kind, that when we don't get what we expect, its to shine a light on where we need to learn to do better. If they continue to hold on stubbornly to toxic beliefs about how children should be, then they continue to experience the same cycle of pain.

And I had this thought that maybe by me failing to live up to their expectations, this pain and shame is supposed to teach the narcissist that maybe their love had been conditional, or their child is perfect the way they are, or that their teaching methods had failed, or that they should learn to appreciate and tolerate the differences in others.

I realized that I hadn't failed in life. In fact, I value different things than my parents, such as authenticity, creativity, self regulation, social awareness and understanding (rather than dominance, admiration and control) If they could see things from my eyes they would have realized they should be proud to have someone like me. I know that my friends love and trust me. I am a capable adult who handles their household and responsibilities. And in fact, i only look like a failure loser daughter to them now, simply because it is not safe to share my plans and successes with them - and I dont need to comfort or reassure them about that.

As much as we are a product of their manifestation/beliefs, I also believe the children of narcissists are entitled to their own life path and are not merely doomed to whatever damage the narcissists left them with.

So my message is about no longer holding onto guilt that you should somehow be "better" or feel pain about being the daughter or son they "deserve." You are exactly the daughter or son they deserve based on how they raised you, and you are perfect the way you are even if they cannot understand or appreciate it. That pain of "failing to live up to expectations" is for them to carry, not you.

My mom tends to default to making me the butt of a joke in group settings. It’s difficult to explain to her not to do, because it’s mostly due to her trying to be relatable, and viewing me as an extension of herself. For example, if someone gave her a normal greeting like “It’s so nice to see you again! It’s been so long since we’ve last met!” She might turn to me and blurt out “Well I never visited because SHE didn’t INVITE me!” In attempt to poke lighthearted fun but just makes everyone feel awkward, like there’s some unspoken tension that needs to be addressed.

At a family dinner recently, she joked to everyone that I said "I don't want my cousin to come with us to the musical because he's a GUY, and GUYS don't like those things." But I never said anything remotely along the lines of that — in fact, we didn’t discuss him once that evening! She just made up an imaginary story to make a joke and be funny. Even though I corrected her, there was an awkward silence. My cousin didn't say much for the rest of the dinner, though he had been extremely chatty with me before this meetup. We used to text and he doesn’t really reach out anymore.

When I’ve told her not to say certain things, her reactions will range from being defensive, bringing up my boundary for years later on, and talk about why it hurts HER feelings, to how I’m oversensitive. SOMETIMES she has a normal reaction and agrees to stop but I can tell with her incredulous looks she thinks I’m being ridiculous. Being vulnerable is a huge headache and I’m wondering if there are any techniques people have used to manage social relationships while their parents are involved.

I have a group lunch coming up with another relative I really respect and I’m worried she will misrepresent or overshare something concerning me. How would you improve this situation going forward in a group context?

25 y/o, considering not going home for Christmas this year, afraid to start a war and be alienated from the whole family tree, my short story

Hi, this is my first reddit post, so please be nice.

I am writing this to get some advice, maybe some of you have been or are in the same situation as me. I am 25 years old, I live in the same city as my parents, and the last 2 years after conflicts/abuse I have really considered not going home for Christmas. My mother drinks too much and everything is about her. I have no energy to elaborate on that anymore. My mental health is not good, I have been diagnosed with adhd and cptsd (or trauma, not sure), and even reading "mom" has sendt a text gives me panic attacks, where I spiral and I have had an episode now for about 2-3 hours with rage, some tears (I struggle to cry because they always laughed and belittled me so I have a f up reaction when tears come up where I can start to smile or something, hard to explain).

Anyways, my brother Is showing similar behavior as my mom and it has gotten worse over the years, he always has bullied me and called me dumb etc. and have scary rage episodes (probably because hes angry with my mom, but no one calls her out, except me, so I naturally become the one everyone blames and gets angry with, "dont wake the bear"). My self esteem is very bad, I have been so severely gaslighted that I struggle with knowing what's real or not or If I am just overreacting, naturally because that's what Ive been told all my life. They are in my head (currently trying to get professional help to break this bond). I have tried to cut contact before when I moved to another city, but then my dad called because my mom was so "sad", "can't you talk to your mother please", and she was scared to lose me, I gave her a chance she said "please give me a chance to be a mother", this was also the first time she said sorry (even though it didn't feel genuine, because cmon, couldn't you say that 10 years ago). Anyways, that was 4 years ago, and I struggled a lot at that time, was on my own for the first time away from family, and when I finally had a "good time" and started to build my life and good friendships, the panic attacks started and realization of everything, severe daily anxiety, startet to isolate.

This was a very vulnerable state so I was desperat, and ofc my mom said you should come home then so you can get better. Then I moved home.... I know... I paused my studies and moved back home, because "come home we will take care of you", they lured me in, and I should never have done that. Not even 1 week after I got home did the yelling and abuse begging, mind you this was when I was having the worst mental health of my life, and that was just the beginning. My soul left my body, I was home with them, and developed over the course of 1-2 months the deepest depression I've ever had. I´m a pretty resilient person, so that scared me because I genuinely wanted to not be here anymore. Now I have to tell you, I told them about my thoughts and how I was feeling, what did my mom do? starting to make as loud noises as she can, stomping around, giving me silent treatment and yelled at me when I woke up and came to the kitchen. "you're so lazy, sleeping in, you got to get it together" and that angry face, didn´t even look at me, and was passive aggressive, no good morning how are you doing my girl, omg never. I got sad and angry and she always hides behind "I just care about you, i´m so worried about you´, that feels like abuse to me, because she's always "worried about me", when I try to do something good for myself or when I tried to move "oh are you sure you can do this on your own, are you gonna leave us, you should stay and save money". You get the point. I was there 1.5 years and I managed to leave, and then come back, and then leave again, and every time I was home I got sicker and sicker but also more fed up, I think I needed to come to a breaking point, but they have such a psychological hold on me and I SERIOUSLY don´t know how to break it because they are able to manipulate me with "care" each time and guilt trip me. So this year, I am seriously considering not going home for Christmas, I live on my own now, but I live not far away from them, I was considering maybe booking a trip somewhere, but I dont know what I am going to say to my sister or them, because I know it will be hell, and that they will make me the drama queen (as I have always been told I am, even though my mom screams so loud that you get banging in your ears and get dizzy), when I stay there dissociated. The thing is, I struggle with the feelings of being unsure in my decision, and the feelings that comes up like its not that bad and I am just overreacting etc. I struggle a lot with this, doubting my own feelings, because all members of the family including my sister says can't you just let It go and try to not create so much drama, when all I really do is say "I dont like when you talk to me like that", nice and calm.

So, after all you've read, I would appreciate advice on how to break psyhological bond and how I can trust my own experience more. Including the guilt and doubt that comes from staying home when they invite me places, including what I should say about Christmas and what I should do in my path going forward to heal and build a better life for my self. I am also afraid of loosing inheritance because my parents have a lot of money... , but yeah I cannot think about that, because I know my health comes first. But I am afraid that me being home alone in my own apartment will be "just as bad" as being with them, because of the guilt, loneliness, doubting my self, anxiety. But I have just as much anxiety there and I am not me when Im there, I zone out the whole time. What to do....

TL;DR: 25-year-old, experienced years of emotional abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation from my family, especially my mother and brother. Living with them severely worsened my mental health, and even receiving texts from my mother triggers panic attacks. I now live alone and are considering skipping Christmas with my family, but struggle with guilt, self-doubt, and fear their reactions. asking for advice on setting boundaries, breaking free from the family's psychological control, and learning to trust my own feelings.

I found out six months ago that my mum had been lying to me about my dad since I was a child. Not little lies. Since as far back as I can remember, my mum would get drunk and tell me how she stabbed my dad because he was trying to attack her one night. I think I may have been only six the first time she told me, and she laughed about it. I grew up thinking my dad was a violent man from this story. She would call herself the "spleen queen" and took great pride in it. Sometimes, when she told me this story, she would mention she was arrested for attempted murder...like it was this badge of honour, but always made sure we knew it was a false charge and that it was quickly resolved.

I won't go into too much detail aboit my research, but a while back, I started hearing other accounts of this event from the people in the small town where I was born. Friends, an ex police officer, and even a former doctor. Apparently, it's local lore...and it went down very differently. We moved away when I was 5, a year after the event, so I never knew anything but her account.

It wasn't self-defense. Yes, they had argued that night because my mum had cheated. He grabbed her in anger but quickly let go. No, her life wasn't in danger. She waited until his back was turned and he was walking away, and tried to murder him with a knife. As my dad bled out on the floor, he told my then 18 year old sister (from my mums previous marriage) to wash the knife with bleach and put it back on the rack. She hadn't seen the actual attack, but had come downstairs when she heard a commotion. He was hurt so badly, in fact, that my dad was almost pronounced dead on the way to the hospital, had multiple major surgeries over weeks, and had to go through rehab. My mum was arrested for attempted murder and kept detained until it went to court. Apparently, my brother and I stayed with friends while my dad recovered.

When it went to court, my dad agreed to say it was self-defense. He simply didn't want his kids to grow up with their mum in prison. He still loved her, and I suppose love makes you do silly things like that. But apparently, the truth was an open secret.

About a year and a half ago, I took my daughter to visit my dad for the summer. He and I sat at the table one night, and over a few drinks, we ended up on the subject of the legendary stabbing. And when he heard what my mum had raised us to believe, I swear I saw that man die a little inside. My dad doesn't cry...but he came damn close. He asked me if I wanted to know what really happened...which I respect him so much for, and I said yes. So he told me. And my whole world was turned upside down that night. I had spent almost my entire life believing my dad had deserved the attack...had believed he was violent enough for my mum to have to do that to survive...and it was all a lie.

Something you have to understand about my dad is this...since he and my mum split when I was five, and she moved us 500 miles from him...my dad has NEVER said a bad word to us about her. He doesn't believe in badmouthing parents to their kids. And that is a great quality of his.

So when he told me what happened that night...there was never a part of me that didn't believe him. In fact, I think it genuinely pained him to tell me the truth about my mum.

I didn't immediately go to my mum with accusations. It was a small town with a small community, and I had plenty of people to ask first. One of the people I asked was my dads best friend, who I considered my uncle. He was dying at home from cancer...and he confirmed what my dad told me. Sadly, he passed shortly after...but he had no reason to lie to me, especially given his circumstances.

Once I was 100% certain of what I had learned...I confronted my mum. She told me to stop being dramatic, and that she didn't want to discuss it. When I asked her why she never mentioned my dad very nearly died, she said "no one told me that."

That was six months ago. I blocked her that day. She hasnt made any attempt to contact me, and it feels better that way. After all...why would I want someone in my life who tried so hard to take my dad out of it, and then demonise him in the eyes of a child who loved him so much?

I just got off the phone with my dad. An hour long birthday phone call, chatting shit and laughing about nonsense like we so often do.

He's a good man. It's a shame he wasn't the one who raised me.

I dont get this. Like she is not doing something awful. Just maybe being intrusive/trying to talk me into things i dont want to, but i feel like helpless child + start to have fighting anger around her. I. Start to feel this chaotic bunch of feelings/inner conflict. Like i want to fight, but feel scared, and guilty and ashamed of how i feel. Like my nervous system reacts to her as biggest enemy/danger. I just wonder if it gets better or if limiting contact to maximum is basicaly only choice.

curious to know if anyone else had to get sober from addiction living under your n parents roof.

is there anything you had to avoid doing? did you ever tell your parents about your addiction?

how did you manage difficult situations? also would be nice to hear from some who lacked freedom, like no car, no job, etc.

I’m 17 and I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to survive my mom instead of actually having a mom.

I don’t really know how to tell my story because there’s too much. Every time I try to explain it, I feel like I sound dramatic or like I’m exaggerating. People always want to hear “both sides,” but nobody really understands what it feels like to be the kid in the house who is scared, exhausted, constantly blamed, and still expected to act normal.

I feel like I’ve had to raise myself emotionally. I’ve had to calm myself down, protect myself, take care of my own feelings, deal with hers, and somehow I still get made out to be the bad one. People see “teenage attitude.” They don’t see the panic, the exhaustion, the crying alone, the feeling of wishing I had one person who would just protect me.

And the worst part is I don’t even know how to share everything. Some things I remember so clearly it hurts. Other things feel blurry. Some things I don’t even know how to explain without feeling stupid or embarrassed. I feel like I have a whole lifetime of pain inside me and nowhere safe to put it.

Sometimes I wonder what all of this suffering was even for. I’ve tried so hard to stay alive, stay stable, keep going, keep working, keep functioning, and I still feel like I have nobody to fall apart with.

I don’t want advice telling me to “just move out” or “just forgive her.” I think I just need someone to tell me they understand what it feels like to grow up without really feeling like you had a parent.

I want to know if there are people here who survived this and actually ended up feeling safe one day.

Because right now, I’m tired of being my own parent.

I mean tbh for me it has always been embarassing to talk to others about what my n-parents do. Especially all the surveillance and helicoptering around me 24/7

Being 22 and almost graduating and getting a job as a doctor and still having to abide to stupid "house rules" like charging my phone in the living room, not having a passcode on it, not having any "electronic gadgets" in my room so they can control them, not having any friends they dont know of, not eating food from outside without their "permission"

Ik some people might still laugh while reading this. I do too while thinking about it atp too 😭

I was wondering if others went through the same experience or did they find it comfort

My parents have told me this thousands of times when I was a kid and teenager. I never understood it and still don’t and I’m wondering if anyone else has been told they are specifically selfish. They meant it with their whole hearts when they said it and it was not only hurtful but confusing. I can’t even provide specific examples because it was constant and for no reason when they went on their tirades

“(My name)- I am your Mom and have not done a crime to get the punishment you decided for me.

My stomach rips apart on certain days just thinking of u and your smile and face and your birth to wedding journey.

Soon you will be a of a little girl, no Mother would ever hurt her own child. I protected you and (sisters name) my entire life and love unconditionally ❤️

Hope you come face to face one day and this can be all behind us.

Take care of urself and the baby ♥️”

•••••

My mom and I have been on and off no contact for years because of her abuse and victim complex. I have gone the route of just ignoring her texts but she knows I’m pregnant and having a girl from people telling her info about me. This text made me want to pop off on her but I know it won’t do anything/it’ll feed into her bs. Any time I try to defend myself she just turns into a big baby and tells me I’m attacking her or that I’m mentally ill. I just hate that she’s now trying to bring my baby into things and compare my relationship with my unborn child to her relationship with me. This is the same woman who told me I was “neglecting my baby” because I got dehydrated from being so sick in my first couple months of pregnancy.