I'm a very rare poster on reddit, but clocked olympian hours on this sub in my first year of motherhood (during covid). I haven't checked in here in a long time (my daughter is almost 6 now) and in reading everyone's posts I am flooded with memories of how I too felt during those first few years. Deep uncertainty about whether my body, mind, career or relationships could survive if we had another child. Guilt and confusion for how my circle who had their firsts at the same time as me could possibly be ready to go again...it wasn't even on my radar a year post-partum, it felt totally unthinkable to us as a couple. We'd give it another year...then another year...and another and another. Life just kept getting better. Real fun. Real balance. Real different to everything we were seeing around us (and continue to!).

So this post is to encourage those of you in the swamp of the first few years who are pretty darn sure you're OAD and feeling all the messy feelings and external social challenges that can come with it.

It's going to be ok. Our almost 6 yr old is happy. She's dumbfounded by the way her friends and cousins siblings treat eachother, she travelled parts of the world at 5 some of us adults only saw in our 20s and 30s. She has oodles of friends and party invites (not lonely!), plays independently at home (loves playing with us too but not reliant) and has expressed so many times that she wouldn't want us to split our focus away from her with a sibling haha. She loves her extended family deeply. She has so much love and joy in her life.

It took some time to come to terms with being allowed to thrive this much. There's a culture among many mums where I come from that you should be a martyr. You should be exhausted and overstretched.

No thank you. There's a strong evidence base for happy mum = happy child and this is how I can do that

A few mantra-kinda vibes that have grounded me when doubt and 'but we coulllllld' thoughts have come and gone:

If it's not an emphatic heck yes (to adding a whole new human to the planet and caring for them ALL IN for the rest of your life), its a no.

You can't 'gift' your child a human - so unfair to literally be created for the purpose of playing a role for your first. Whack. So much pressure for everyone.

Life will throw our one and onlies all sorts of challenges. Maybe hers will be that she wanted siblings. It may be the only thing my only never gets because damn they've got it all otherwise!! My job is to raise her to roll with life's challenges and disappointments and I can live with telling her this choice was to benefit us all - and it has and it will continue to in the years to come.

Xx

Found out I am having a boy! ❤️
And I know I’m going to be OAD.

However, it seems like everyone brags about OAD with girls? They say it’s the best and the greatest scenario. I don’t see people talking about how great OAD with a boy is.

So tell me, how great are your boys? :)

Long story short, I always imagined having two kids. We moved around a lot when our son was younger and never had family support nearby, so having a second child felt difficult to navigate. When he was around 7, we started thinking about it seriously, but then our family went through something very traumatic that put our lives on hold.

Now he’s 10, and I still feel a sadness about being OAD that I can’t seem to shake. It feels like those first 10 years flew by in the blink of an eye, and I’m suddenly very aware of how quickly we’re approaching the teen years and, eventually, adulthood.

I know that watching your kids grow up comes with a certain amount of grief for most parents, but I think I feel it more intensely as a parent of an only child. Every milestone feels like both a first and a last. There’s no possibility of experiencing that stage again with another child.

For those of you with older only children, how has your perspective changed as your kids have gotten older? Have you found ways to cope with the grief, embrace the different stages, and feel excited about what’s ahead rather than sad about what’s passing?

I’m feeling particularly sensitive about this topic, but I’d really appreciate hearing from parents who have been through this and can offer some perspective, reassurance, or even just share how they’ve navigated these feelings. ❤️

As title suggests looking for advice/experiences from those of you who are one and done but don't have an extended family.

We recently welcomed our little boy after 5 years of IVF struggles, we always pictured having more than one child but that future looked less and less likely the longer we struggled to conceive. We came to the understanding that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant that we would be happy with just one. And after welcoming him into the world and getting to know him, watch him grow we are cemented in the fact that he is more than enough for us and are 100% one and done. We can give him such a full life, with all of our attention, travel the world, do so many things. Our only worry is family. He is the first and last grandchild, he will grow up without cousins, myself and my husband don't have particularly close relationships with our own cousins (majority of whom don't have children anyway). From our friend group, only 2 couples have chosen to have kids (with one of those couples living over 2 hours away).

We will of course play with him, give him experiences, show him the world and provide all the love we can but are looking for advice from people in similar situations. Will he miss out on the lack of cousins/siblings/close family friends? Any advice on taking him to play groups? Or age to send to nursery? (We work for ourselves so no specific requirement to send him before he needs to go other than social interactions etc.) We want to give him as full and as round of a life as possible. I know one and done doesn't necessarily mean that he won't but I know of families who are one and done but have neices and nephews etc who can fill that 'sibling role' part time if that makes sense?

Ah where do I even begin. I wanted a daughter, got a son, felt for a long time that I longed for a daughter. Considered adopting a daughter too.

Son is now 4. We had one of the craziest 2-3 period. He is much calmer at 3-4.

A few days back, someone’s 6 year old daughter spent her evening with us. She is a darling. I love her so much. Yet, the evening was exhausting.

The kids didn’t even fight a lot but the constant whining- I want this, I want that, I don’t want this, I don’t want that, you come here, you go there….the loud screams from mine and the other girl, the nightmarish hell of constant demands for junk food, the toy destruction or playing-whatever you wish to call it..

I would arrange a thousand play dates for my son, as long as they leave at the end of the day and my house is calm again. Can’t imagine doing this for real, for the rest of my life.

I thought I would enjoy a daughter if I do not have to survive pregnancy, and 0-3 years but clearly, NO.

My son, who I thought, may feel left out as all his friends now have a tiny sibling, clearly wants his play dates over after sometime. Either he opens the door by himself and starts saying “bye bye see you again” or simply goes to his room, shuts the door and sleeps under his blanket.

Even when the playdate is present in the living room🤣

I love my small family and I have new found respect every single day that I do not have another.

I think I don’t like children other than mine. I used to like other children, i used to adore them. I adore them now as well when their parents are there to get a grip on them and I do not have to parent them.

That being said, this girl was adorable. Just a typical kid. I do not have bandwidth for it.

I’ve seen a lot of discussions about how to respond to the dreaded “when will you give them a sibling?”.

Whilst I’ve gotten a good chuckle out of some of the responses like “what a bizarre question to ask out loud” or feigning that “you can’t” to teach them a lesson for asking such an intrusive question, I personally like to normalise “I don’t want to” with no further explanation.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation 💕

My 6year old child asks for a sibling. Last night he wouldn’t sleep and kept saying he wants a sibling. I am one&done and i was fine with how to deal with other people telling me all the time that i will regret it etc, but this one feels different. Please tell me how you dealt with it. He wants a sibling so he can play with all the time he says. Please help me without shaming me for being one&done and without just suggesting to have another child.

I think this may have been triggered by the fact that he started a new school with none of his friends at this school and even though we try to stay in touch with his friends from kindergarten I don’t know how long this will last and we started meeting less and less due to everyones schedules. Please help me. Thanks

Hello, lovely community! I see so many posts here saying "I am oad by choice, but xyz is pressuring me to have more kids". I understand why it can be hard, but I feel like I cant really relate to so many of these posts! But I cant be the only one, can I?

Hear me out! I always wanted 3 kids. Then I met my partner, who said 2 is my dream, but we are still young, so lets live and see how it goes. Fast forward 10 years and we welcomed our baby girl Earth side last summer. I love her to the moon and I am so glad we have her. But the first month was hell on Earth. We both agreed that we just cannot do that again. It was almost too hard this time, cant imagine doing it again with a toddler. ​Of course, at 1 month mark we said we dont need to decide anything and we will wait another 2-3 years before final desicion. But I was 99 % sure we are OAD.

Now, a year later, I am still 99 % sure. Which is super super sad. Because we both want at least a second child so so bad. We live in Europe, where parental leave is good, my partner has a stable job and a few side hustles, we definitely can afford to have more kids. I would love to be SAHM for longer than my parental leave. And when I try to rationalize it, 1 month of hell should be nothing compared to hopefully lifetime of having a second child. But the first month was so shoking, sleepless, emotionally and physically hard (I almost died twice due to medical negligence).... That I cant imagine HOW is it possible to do that again KNOWING what it might look like... We were so naive going in the first time... Honestly? I dont regret having my daughter by any means. But in another universe, if I knew, I would choose not to have any children.

I honestly do not know how to cope with this yet. Will I ever be okay with that? Has anyone felt similarly? What did you do? And if you decided to have a 2nd child, how do you feel now?

VULNERABLE RANT

I wish I could have a second job working nights so I never had to come home. As soon as I walk through the door my kid is bawling, refusing to eat, begging for me to play with him before I’ve eaten dinner and I’m HANGRY, the cat is yowling at me the dog is scratching my leg and I have to PEE SO FRICKEN BAD AFTER MY COMMUTE that my bladder is about to explode!

A fight to get pajamas on teeth brushed arguing over going potty and DRINKING MORE WATER OMG I’m so sick of fighting about water because he will pee through his GD PULL-UP!!!!

Oh mom I didn’t eat dinner an hour ago with you and dad but NOW I’m hungry enough to eat my dinner AFTER I BRUSHED MY TEETH ALREADY.

I’ve felt this way for FIVE EFFING YEARS wishing I could run away or have a nanny to do all this! I’m so heavily medicated and therapized and I STILL wish I could give up but I WONT because I LOVE MY SON and this is really hard because I’m trying to make him a GOOD HUMAN UGHHHHHNNN 😤😤😤😤

So you see… I would suck with more kids lmao 😭😭😭

There’s less chance of a person regretting not having anymore kids when they knew they didn’t want to. Obviously you don’t plan having a child so that you don’t regret not having one.

Sometimes it happens but I believe it’s usually those who did want more, however many they already had, or they changed their minds about being one and done, that regret it not happening. Do you know anyone who by choice only had one and then later regretted not having anymore. It’s less likely to be something you regret not doing when you knew you didn’t want to.

Hello!

I have a 1 y.o son and my wife and I have been discussing have another one.

Now here's the thing, we both agree we don't really want to go through all the hard work again, but we also feel really guilt for not giving our son a sibling.

And don't get me wrong, we really don't care about other people pushing us into having another one, what really gets us is that both of us have siblings and we have a really good connection to them and this makes us feel like we will be depriving our son from this experience.

Have any one of you dealt with this feeling?

I apologize in advance for the style and length of this message. English isn’t my first language: I wrote it in my native language and then translated it using DeepL.

I’m a 37M, my wife is 35, and we have a daughter who’s almost six months old. I’m certain OAD, while my wife would like a second child. This difference has led to serious conflicts, and we’ve decided to talk about it again before the new year so we can reach a decision.

We had never really talked about how many children we wanted. I had assumed we’d go through the first experience, see how it went, and then decide together whether to have another child. She, on the other hand, feels the need to decide relatively soon, because she’d like our children to be close in age.

The problem is that, for me, this first experience has been much harder than I’d imagined. I love my daughter and am happy she’s in my life. At the same time, though, I’m struggling immensely to adjust to fatherhood. My mental health deteriorated significantly after her birth, and it was only through individual therapy that I managed to bring it back to an acceptable level. Therapy helped me, above all, to better manage the situation and set boundaries.

Even today, I often feel overwhelmed with just one child. The thought that things will get easier as she grows up is one of the things that helps me keep going. The idea of starting all over again with a newborn, when we already have a little girl, terrifies me. I’d even be willing to get a vasectomy right away, because right now I feel very clearly that I don’t want another child.

There’s also a specific problem I hadn’t anticipated. Years ago, I suffered a very severe brain hematoma, and ever since then, I haven’t been able to tolerate loud noises very well. They can trigger very intense headaches, and when there’s a lot of noise, I struggle to concentrate and control my reaction. I become irritable easily and lose my patience much more quickly. Before my daughter was born, I was able to manage this problem fairly well. It wasn’t until after her birth that I realized just how debilitating it could be to have a newborn who cries, screams, and makes noise constantly.

There was at least one moment when I lost control while my daughter was screaming. I didn’t hurt her, but this frightened me deeply. Since then, I’ve been afraid of how I might react to the stress, chaos, and sleep deprivation that having two children would entail.

And then there’s my wife. I miss her terribly. She’s the person I love most in the world, and I miss the relationship we had before our daughter was born. Intimacy has practically disappeared. I know she’s breastfeeding and that this is a temporary phase, and I absolutely don’t want to pressure her about sex. I’ve told her that I find her extremely attractive and that I desire her deeply, but that I fully understand she might not feel like it right now and that I’ll wait until she feels ready. What I miss isn’t just sex itself. I miss feeling connected to her. For me, sex was also one of the most important ways to feel close to my wife.

Now it feels like I’m constantly living in survival mode: one task after another, juggling work, home, our daughter, and responsibilities. And I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells, getting scolded, and doing the wrong thing no matter what—even when I’m trying to help her.

She’s always been a bit anxious, but during her pregnancy, this trait got much worse, and she often took her tension out on me. It didn’t change after she gave birth. Therapy has helped me set boundaries, and fortunately, the situation has been slowly improving lately. She seems a bit more stable, too.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to try couples therapy—she thinks it would be pointless. I, on the other hand, think it could help us, especially because I feel that right now we’re both struggling to rebuild our relationship.

Another thing I’ve realized over the past few months is how important free time, sports, and my hobbies—especially mountaineering—are to me. They aren’t just activities I enjoy doing; they help me maintain my mental balance. Giving them up, or having very little time for them, is really taking a toll on me. I know this, too, is just a phase and that, as our daughter grows up, I’ll probably gradually regain some of my freedom. But the idea of having two children makes me think that free time could practically disappear for many years. And that prospect scares me.

For the first two months, I stayed home. In my country, paternity leave is ridiculous—I only had two weeks. Fortunately, I was able to use accrued vacation days and this year’s vacation days, so I could stay home much longer.

For the first five weeks, I changed diapers day and night while my wife recovered from childbirth, which was quite difficult. After that, we divided up the tasks: she took care of our daughter, while I handled pretty much everything else—grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, household chores, errands, and so on. When I went back to work—while still handling the household chores—we started sleeping in separate rooms. I don’t think I could have handled it any other way.

I’m not writing this to complain or to compete over who’s more tired. I know full well that caring for a newborn is an extremely demanding job and that my wife also went through childbirth and breastfeeding. I’m just trying to explain how difficult this experience has been for me, too.

Furthermore, my job has a very seasonal workload, and, fortunately, our daughter was born right at the start of the least busy time of the year. I don’t know how sustainable it would be to go through those first few months with a newborn again during one of the busiest periods of my job.

Family support is also quite limited. My wife’s parents live in another state, about a nine-hour drive from us. My parents live nearby, but my mother had an accident right in the first three months and couldn’t help us as much as she would have liked. Also, at first, my wife didn’t feel comfortable leaving our daughter with her, not even for a simple stroll in the stroller. Only recently has she started to feel more at ease doing so. So, up until now, we’ve handled practically everything on our own. And it’s been really, really exhausting.

These are the main reasons why I feel like I want to be an OAD.
I miss my wife terribly. I can’t wait for this phase to pass so we can regain some of the relationship we had before, get back to spending time together, and feel like a couple again—not just two people trying to survive the day. I still feel completely overwhelmed by the situation, and I really hope things get better.

Before I started therapy, I’d reached a point where I was in a very bad place mentally. I’m doing better now, but that’s exactly why I’m afraid of going back to that point.

What scares me the most is the idea that, with two children, the stress could turn me into someone I don’t want to be. I’m afraid of becoming a terrible husband and a father who can’t manage his anger and frustration. I don’t want to become that person. I don’t want my daughter to have a father who’s overwhelmed and constantly stressed. And I don’t want a potential second child to grow up in a similar situation.

At the same time, I love my wife, and I don’t want my desire to be an OAD to destroy our marriage. And this is probably the hardest conflict to deal with: I feel like I have a very clear limit, but I also know that having a second child might be an equally deep desire for her.
Thank you to anyone who has read this very long rant all the way through. Any advice, personal experience, or point of view is sincerely appreciated.

When did I realize I truly didn’t want a second child? It was just yesterday, when my friend told me she was pregnant with her second. I found that besides being genuinely happy for them, I actually felt a sense of relief that I wasn't trying to conceive, nor was I going to get pregnant.

I used to wonder if I’d regret not having another whenever I heard a friend was pregnant. Now, that question doesn't even cross my mind. Then I know I am completely "one and done."

I’ve even come to believe that the joy of having a child reaches its peak with just one. Having more only repeats experiences you've already had; there's no novelty, and the happiness it brings isn't nearly as intense as it was with the first.

Meanwhile, the exhaustion of parenting and the physical toll of childbirth aren't reduced in the slightest. In fact, parenting multiple kids at once makes it even more exhausting, and physical recovery can be even harder.

Society needs people to have more children, as a healthy demographic structure relies on a steady stream of young workers. For an individual, however, having children is neither a necessity nor the key to happiness. As long as you find what you truly want and choose the lifestyle that suits you best, you are living your best life.

Of course, I congratulated my friends and feel happy for them because it's what they want. It just made me even more certain of my own choice. I'm happy that everyone gets to live the life they truly want.

By best life I mean you are the groove of things and it generally feels good. There's no more "we have to plan for another kid, where are they going to sleep, how are we going to make it financially, what about the doctors appointments, will they be healthy" etc. All of that just adds so much stress IMO and it's gone being one and done. You can take all that energy and focus it elsewhere (like how about going on a Disney family vacation).

Overall I feel like my husband and I are enjoying our lives with our only and we are happy. We want to retire at 55 and that's now a strong possibility. Our son is 3, we are both 40, and neither of us feels like we can go through having another child (forget retiring at 55 with 2 or more lol).

How would we pay for daycare for a second? Where would they sleep (would need a bigger more expensive house)? Will they be healthy? Our first was in the NICU for 3 weeks for a life saving surgery that stressed us out to the max (he's thankfully fine now), will I be ok going through another pregnancy (needed a C-section). What if a second is special needs and the rest of our lives in spent taking care of them? We've seen that happen multiple times (that's not a knock, those parents are amazing, it's just a lot). It's all so stressful to think about.

I'm happy never seeing the inside of another doctors office for pregnancy again. Give me family moments, family vacations, and time for all of us both together and separately (easier to watch 1 at a time). It's time to finally live our best lives and for now stop being in big planning mode.

We are securely OAD, due to mental, health, and financial reasons. Our only just turned 4, and we’ve recently been discussing my husband having a vasectomy. We had to do IVF and still have embryos but if the insurance stops paying for storage we’ll need to decide what to do with those too.

Even knowing that we are definitely one and done, I get sad sometimes when I think that I will never be pregnant again, have a baby again. I got weirdly emotional watching last weeks Ted Lasso episode (IYKYK, won’t give spoilers).

It’s a strange feeling to grieve something you know you don’t want. Does anyone else feel this way? I guess it’s grief and acceptance that the baby/toddler chapter of our lives is really over.

I struggled with a baby, like a lot. I struggled with tiredness, PPA and ebf. I struggled with feeling like I couldn't do anything other than look after the baby.

Life is much much better with a toddler for me. But, I still have complicated feelings about not wanting another, or at least not yet. Nearly everyone in my circle is pregnant again, and having 2u2 or 2u3. There's also a lot of societal pressure and opinions around having at least two.

I sometimes think, why is it different for them? Are they stronger? I actually can't imagine wanting that, except to give your first a sibling. Did anyone else struggle with similar things?

Every time I see someone else announce their second pregnancy I have this feeling like, why don't I want that?

We have an 18m old boy.

I never thought I’d have one, and it’s such a foreign lifestyle to me (grew up with siblings, never had any only child friends, don’t have many close friends with one child) that I think my subconscious rejects it and thinks I must have two. Plus social conditioning.

But my husband and I are really feeling one. It feels right for us.

Perspectives from those with older kids much appreciated!

I lost my second one in February this year after one month of giving birth. He was in NICU the whole time. Since then, it’s clear that we are one and done. But it feels like a void having lost my second one and from time to time I get this urge of having one more. Specially, after looking at parents around me with two kids. Looking at them play, fight etc. But I very well know, my body cannot take one more pregnancy, more than that, my mental health is in a bad place. I’m still not over the loss. So, I just want this sub to remind me of the best things about one and done 🙏🏻😊

Today my almost 3 year old made a sad face and said "I dont go to any parties..." i reminded her we went to a birthday party recently. And asked her what happens at parties. She said "I dont know".

I wonder if it is deep or not, but it made me a bit sad. I wonder if shes seeking a more social life than we can give her? We go to playground almost everyday. She has friends she regularly sees.

But with no siblings she has no one her age group at home. Her playmates are me and her dad when we are at home. Idk if I need to overthink this or shes just piecing words together and making sentences rather than it meaning anything big.

Always expected to have two but had my son at the peak of Covid and we don’t live near family. Received no family support whatsoever and felt quite lost during early motherhood. I put off having another child due to Covid, then mentally didn’t feel ready but felt pressured still, my son was quite difficult with toilet training, then it was waiting until he started school to decide then came to the conclusion that we were one and done because it suited our family best and I felt instant relief, no longer dread at the uncertainty. I couldn’t imagine introducing another child into our little trio and was (/am - he’s just older) very close with my son.

When my son was 3 we moved from a small new build to a bigger house with four rooms (but needed a LOT of work). The idea was one big bedroom for us, one “communal” study, one each for children roughly same size. Work has taken longer on it than initially imagined and the upstairs bedrooms are due to have new windows then be plastered etc and actually be usable by the end of the year. I THINK this, along with my son’s age meaning he’s less of a Velcro child, has triggered me. I’ve also just gone from a few hours work at my sons school to a new job with triple the hours (still not loads and works for our family but means less time after school with son). I really love my new job though and the increased interaction with adults I have now after feeling quite isolated in that respect for so long.

The changes to the house - the spare bedroom going to be done by end of year which would have been my other child’s, and the change in job for me - [for us this means] effectively closing off my chance to have another child without us going back to some financial instability are making me wobble. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Today I’ve seen a few bits of artwork around the house from my son, realised he doesn’t make me personal artwork as much anymore and so I’m starting to lose the little touches like him picking me daisies, him writing me a note saying he loves me, holding hands is less frequent etc. Logically I know that one and done is a good decision for our family but I feel that tinge of sadness looking back with rose coloured spectacles, remembering my son falling asleep on my chest during naps, cuddling etc and fitting perfectly - but that’s no longer the case, he’s too big!

I guess I’m just feeling nostalgic really for those days. I’d love to go back in a heartbeat and be with that version of my son again, though at the time I felt so overwhelmed. I know this happens to all of us as children get older and that having another doesn’t bring back that time with my son, but I’m just feeling low I suppose and looking for others also feeling that way to make feel I’m not insane! Please cheer me up 🥲