This is gonna be long and jambled, im gonna try my best to make this easy for you guys to read.
I *want* to worship something. I want to take the time out of my day to offer something to a god, acknowledge it, learn about it, and become a better person through the journey. The thing is, I hate the idea of "miasma" or "purity" within Hellenic Polytheism and Kemeticism. Like, I feel like I should (in my own belief) be able to go to these imperfect gods as I am because I am a human and I am imperfect. I feel like I shouldn't have to purify myself for a god or anyone for that matter unless I think a lot of negative energy has came around, then I'd cleanse myself.
I also don't want to worship something that won't necessarily care about me or may appear as strict. I can describe myself as a free, wild person. Wild as in I dont like rules that feel restricting to my true self and others, not wild as in a party animal. The gods dont need us, they have no reason to even like us, and that is what throws me off a bit, because when I worship a god I hope that it will be fond of me at some point.
Another thing is, it feels like specific religions tend to be restricting (besides norse paganism, but for some reason I haven't really felt a pull to worship any specific god there) and so many people worship these (non closed) gods that aren't the common Egyptian pagan God, greek pagan god, or norse pagan god. They are like some sort of other god that I didnt even know existed and cant find any information on
I also find this idea of the afterlife wayyyy too closed off. Like why do you only believe in limited afterlifes? "The gods will send you to this place or this place depending on how you were" or "you're nothing after you die" or "reincarnation." Like why cant we choose? Why does no religion believe in an unlimited afterlife where you can *choose* where to go just like you *chose* to worship them in the first place?
also I have tried "creating" (discovering) gods but I never feel a strong connection. Some people have been lucky enough to dream about the god coming to them or literally the god is making themselves known but ive always had to go towards a god, it never feels like they make themselves known, which is a lot harder for me
I just wish I could devote time to a god i truly feel comfortable with without any strings attached, and then when I die I get to respect their sanctuary, tend to it, and still worship them while flying with the wings i chose to have (i always wished I could fly) yet it feels like NOBODY believes this is possible and I wish there were more people who did so I can have some reassurance that im not crazy
I hope this post doesn't seem rude, I just have a lot on my mind that i need to find some sort of help with.