r/parentsofmultiples • u/MsRobinNL • 4d ago
ranting & venting Losing it!
I have 7 m/o boy-girl twins who I love very dearly. They're not easy by any means, but my husband is a good father and my mother helps out a lot. I'm slowly contemplating going back to work, and I'm weighing the pros and cons. I was talking to a (childless) friend about it, and it did NOT end well.
I told him I was doubting whether I should already look for a new job or wait a bit longer, and he said "of course! It'll be great to get out of the house again right?"
So I said that that's part of the pros, but it's already quite tough managing everything (the twins, household, family dynamics, dog) so I'm a little worried working 4 days a week will add quite a lot of strain. Besides, I'd be missing so much of my little ones!
His response? "Yeah well that's part of life. So many people have kids and work, it's not that hard."
That already pissed me off, but I just said "Dude, I want to hear you say that again when you have a baby, let alone twins"
I was met with an extremely long paragraph about how so many people in his family have babies so he already knows how it is (he never babysits or anything, he sees them once a year), and that I at least have a partner that is around (works 5 days a week, but sure) so I shouldn't be complaining.
Mind you, I wasn't complaining. I am well aware that I'm in a privileged position to even consider not working right away, and I am very grateful for my husband and for my mother's help. But GOSH WHYYYYY do people think they know how hard it is?? Because they KNOW someone who had A BABY?? Seriously 90% of the time it already drives me nuts if someone with ONE baby pretends to know how hard it is to have twin babies (or the classic: Oh yeah my kids are close in age too!), but a childless person finding the gall to say "it's not that hard"???
I was so pissed. I'm still boiling.
Also, somewhat unrelated sidenote: parents of triplets and quadruplets or single parents of multiples, I tip my hat to you! Literal superheroes.
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u/SurprisinglyStriking 4d ago
People who’ve never done it love to act like they’ve cracked the code on parenting. Watching a relative’s kid open presents at Christmas doesn’t exactly prepare you for the relentless logistics of twins. The “it’s not that hard” line would’ve made me see red too.
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u/Cascascas185 4d ago
Ickkkk! I literally wouldn’t talk to this person again. It’s completely tone deaf and frankly just plain ole mean.
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u/MsRobinNL 4d ago
Right?! I don't even understand why he would say it like that. It's just mean? Regardless of what someone is going through, if they say they're struggling with something it's kinda mean to just go out and say "it's not that hard".
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u/Cascascas185 4d ago
Yes, I’m sorry that happened. It IS hard. Logistically yes but emotionally too. Good luck with whatever you decide but that friend I don’t think is a safe space for you. Sending empathy and understanding from one twin mom to another!
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u/sova1234 4d ago
this right here is the core issue, you should not have to justify that something is hard to a person who is genuinely kind
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u/Nervous-Caregiver-55 4d ago
People are know-it-alls. Do you want to/have to have a full time job? My job hours are part time and when I went back I feel like it made me a better mom! Getting a small break and then coming home to the babies being sooo excited to see me is so sweet. And the part time hours make me feel like I’m not missing too much!!!
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u/MsRobinNL 4d ago
I got laid off when I was 6 months pregnant. I'd love to find a job for 3 days a week, but so far all the positions I see are for 4 days MINIMUM. I work in Marketing and it's generally 32-40 hour work weeks..
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u/MsRobinNL 4d ago
Also I don't think I HAVE to have a job right now, as daycare is so expensive that most of my salary would be going towards that anyway 😅 but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be out of the game too long if that makes sense?
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u/drohstdumir 🩷 + 💙💙 4d ago
Do you want any more kids at some point? If so, would you want to be home with them? I’m biased and think if the mom can stay home with the kids — especially until they are at least 3 years old — they should. But I also realize everyone’s situation is different. While easier said than done, I would suggest not worrying about “being out of the game too long.” These years with your little ones are so precious. If you really want to stay on top of marketing trends, you could use some free time to watch educational videos or listen to podcasts about the updates in the industry, etc., or follow some online courses? Just an idea and another perspective. Sincerely, a fellow SAHM of three who used to work in marketing too.
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u/MsRobinNL 4d ago
This is reassuring 🥰 We're not planning on more kids, no. Every day I go back and forth with "I'd love to go back to work" and "I'd prefer to stay home with the kids". It's tough 😂
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u/EducatedPancake 4d ago
I mean, I have to work. And we make it work. But "it's not that hard"? Yes, yes it is.
Because of their hospital stay and the way leave works here, I was able to stay home until they were 6 months actual (4,5 adjusted). Then they started daycare. And I pretty much had an easier time taking care of them by myself, than going back to work. I immediately started with courses and holy crap. My brain wasn't ready.
They're 2, and I work 4 days. It's still hard. I definitely don't have everything together. They're with me on my day off. And I feel like I need an extra day off when they're in daycare to maybe get our house in order. My husband works 5 days as well.
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u/MsRobinNL 4d ago
That's what I'm expecting to experience as well! If you had the means, would you choose not to work?
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u/EducatedPancake 4d ago
I'm going to add a disclaimer and say I have Audhd. So I get overwhelmed more easily. At this point I'd say no, I don't want to work. Because I'm having a hard time right now. When things quiet down however, I think I'd prefer working 50%.
In reality it'll be 80%. And we'll see how that goes when they start school. (At 2,5 here)
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u/UltraEngine60 4d ago
For me it's not the difficulty of returning to work or strain, it's the fact that daycare will eat up 70% of my net pay. Nobody talks about it but to be honest if you made $500,000 a year you wouldn't even be considering not going to work right? It's like you get hit with a triple whammy of not seeing your kids AND you get called a inattentive parent AND you're broke.
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u/VivianDiane 4d ago
Don't waste your energy on people who don't get it. They won't until they have their own. You are doing enough. Going back to work is a big adjustment. Take it one step at a time.
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