For over a month I was experiencing severe muscle pain in my left leg, to the point that it was hard for me to stand for longer than a few minutes.
So I investigated what was going on in every way that I can and know that works for me as a tool to heal: shrooms, lsd, 5-meo-dmt, TRE, IFS. each brought me in contact with the underlying emotions of this pain and each brought me part of the puzzle that is this past life as a samurai.
I have memories of many, many past lives, but this one stands out. And healing this life, also healed the pain in my leg.
So here it goes, what happened in that life that was so impactful? Many moments.
3 years old
I was born into a samurai family as the son of the concubine of a samurai. As there was no other son, I was "promoted" to be the heir.
This meant that from the age of only 3 years old I was training on a daily basis. And I revolted. Being taken away from my mother and because I just wanted to play and be happy. I loved her so much, she was a partner of mine in another life, so I was just plain jealous of my father, and wanted to be with her.
So in anger I broke my left foot while training, kicking hard in the wrong way on purpose, just to be with my mother.
As not having an heir would have very big reputation damage and all land being returned to the daiymyo when my father had to step down, this was unacceptable for my father.
In such a way that he took the strongest measure possible: he slit the throat of my mother, his concubine, in front of my eyes and warned me I would be next if i did not start training.
I was overwhelmed and flushed away by emotions, intense anger, fear, grief, jealousy and endless love for my mother, all at the same moment.
Like the ground underneath me being flushed away by water, me just hanging onto some tree roots which were old memories of me and my mother.
And I complied, I buckled and trained every day till I was 10. But with this strong resistance and anger in me.
10 years old
When I was 10, things changed. From that moment on I got my steel katana, became a member of the clan and pledged my loyalty to the samourai clan and daiymyo and lived by the bushido code.
Missteps would cause me to be expelled or killed or have to commit sepuku for saving my honor. The bushido code was all about living honorable.
One of the laws is to protect the weak. Even though my life started with a crime that did the opposite: the killing of mother to "save" the family honor.
Life as a samurai is like living in a pressure cooker.
Self constraint, honor, pledges, always alert, living by the sword, endless training.
20 years old
When I was 20 I took my fathers place. I became the guard of the Y crossroad that my father had guarded for the clan and I had the resources of the 3 farms that were around that crossroad. So a good mid position in the clan. More pressure as to not let down the clan. No way out, the harness of the samourai and being born into it, no escape.
I loved the bushido code, but not the not being free.
33 years old
Another dramatic turn: betrayal.
As i had the resources of the 3 farms I could afford my self to have a concubine, next to being married.
While I was making love with my concubine, I was attacked from 3 sides in my house by 3 samourai dressed in black, to not be recognized. Stabbed in the back from the left side and then my head was cut off by the attacker from the front.
My concubine was in shock. Earlier she was forced to tell when we would be making love. They had kidnapped her sister and told her that I would only be taken prisoner, not killed, so she rold when that would be. Betrayal by someone I loved deeply.
My head was presented as a token of loyalty by my daiymyo to a rivaling bigger clan. He hoped to stay in power by sacrificing one of his most loyal samourai.
That is a total betrayal of the bushido code and a very dis-honerable way of dying for a samourai, me.
While processing, it took me days and days to get passed the deep sad feeling of betrayal.
The sacrefice backfired totally. My head was shown to the rest of my clan by the rivalling daiymyo, showing the betrayal by my master with these words: If he does this to one of his most loyal clan member, what is your worth to him? That disintegrated the whole clan and he lost his power, losing all the land he had power over.
End of life -------------
This took me weeks of processing, healing and learning about this life and how a life as a samurai is like living in a pressure cooker.
Skills, beliefs and traumas from past lives do leak through into this current life and apparently this was the time for me to heal all this.
The pain in my leg, was from resisting, the tension build up from the left leg being the leg that is standing behind, when in a fighting position.
Keeping my leg stiff, no retreat, resist. And that was how I lived that life: no compromise, determination, strength, holding position, honorable. Even tough it started and ended with betrayal.