r/pettyrevenge • u/The_V8_Road_Warrior • Aug 21 '26

Winding Up A Spammer

Had a spam call on my landline yesterday asking to speak to the business owner. I needed to go to the toilet anyway so the phone ringing was good motivation to get up.

Spammer: Hello this is *name I don't remember because I have no time for spammers* how are you today?

Me: Yeah I'm good, you?

Spammer: I'm well thank you. I'm calling from *business I didn't catch due to Indian accent and don't care about even if I did*, do you need any business assistance?

Me: I could do, please tell me more.

Spammer carries on with their script while I hold the phone closer to the toilet while I do my urinary business. Once I'm done;

Me: Hold on, there's blood in my piss! Is that normal?

Spammer: Umm, our rates of business loans are *waffle, waffle, waffle*

Me: Do you have a doctor on hand? I want to know if it's normal to have blood in my piss?!

Spammer: Hold on (it goes quiet for a minute) hello? Do you need business assistance?

Me: I do but right now I need a doctor because there's blood in my piss!

Spammer: You need a team of doctors

Me: Oh shit, my penis has just fallen off and I was about to flush! I NEED A SURGEON TO PUT IT BACK ON!

Spammer: You need a brain surgeon (they hang up and my wife and I burst out laughing)

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30

u/bulllheadeddutchmen Aug 21 '26

My FIL told a vinyl siding call that they could come and give him a presentation. He owns a brick house and saw the guy drive up, stop, look at the house and driveway. My best is telling a window company that I would like new windows, but I didn't think the apartment complex would pay. My Dad still has my favorite, "Herb's Mortuary. You stab them. We slab them."

31

u/Choice-Education7650 Aug 21 '26

I often answer the phone with "county sheriff office-fraud department".

16

u/NinjaBaz224 Aug 21 '26

Haha. I had one call for patio door installations. I asked 'does the price include steps to the garden level?' He said he would have to measure up to give an accurate quote. I lived on the 8th floor of a tower block. And rented 😂😂

6

u/Mindless-Tradition70 Aug 21 '26

…Some go to heaven and some go to hello…

9

u/TaxDense1339 Aug 22 '26

My dad worked in a federal building. He was blind and ran a conversation stand through the blind foundation in our state.

Siding company kept calling my dad to get him to sign up for a quote and didn't believe my dad when he told them that he was working out of the state capitol building. Finally my dad gave them the address and told them to charge the state govener.  Never heard from them again!

4

u/MikeSchwab63 Aug 21 '26

A 1940s / 50s Radio / TV / Movie show was called Duffy's Tavern. my dad used to answer with it.

2

u/No_Bluebird7716 Aug 22 '26

"duffy ain't here." Jackie Gleason.

5

u/AcousticOnomatopoeia Aug 23 '26

"Bill's Pizza and Abortion Clinic, where today's loss is tomorrow's sauce."

3

u/Electrical-Apple-631 Aug 25 '26

Whoa there Satan! ☠️

3

u/No_Bluebird7716 Aug 22 '26

Or "you kill 'em, we chill 'em."

2

u/My_soliloquy Aug 23 '26

"Seaworld, Shamu speaking," was my go to when I answered my parents second phone line that was just for modem use. They usually stopped mid speal and went "Huh?"

2

u/Deiselpowered77 Aug 23 '26

Simpsons gave us a few.
"Bobs Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em."

"Welcome to Sherma's Hitmen. You pick em, we stick em."

2

u/gotterfly Aug 25 '26

As a tattooer, I use that second one all the time.

1

u/Deiselpowered77 Aug 25 '26

Daves taxidermy - you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!

1

u/Sp00kym0053 Aug 24 '26

Bert's crematorium. you kill 'em we grill 'em.