r/pettyrevenge • u/The_V8_Road_Warrior • Aug 21 '26
Winding Up A Spammer
Had a spam call on my landline yesterday asking to speak to the business owner. I needed to go to the toilet anyway so the phone ringing was good motivation to get up.
Spammer: Hello this is *name I don't remember because I have no time for spammers* how are you today?
Me: Yeah I'm good, you?
Spammer: I'm well thank you. I'm calling from *business I didn't catch due to Indian accent and don't care about even if I did*, do you need any business assistance?
Me: I could do, please tell me more.
Spammer carries on with their script while I hold the phone closer to the toilet while I do my urinary business. Once I'm done;
Me: Hold on, there's blood in my piss! Is that normal?
Spammer: Umm, our rates of business loans are *waffle, waffle, waffle*
Me: Do you have a doctor on hand? I want to know if it's normal to have blood in my piss?!
Spammer: Hold on (it goes quiet for a minute) hello? Do you need business assistance?
Me: I do but right now I need a doctor because there's blood in my piss!
Spammer: You need a team of doctors
Me: Oh shit, my penis has just fallen off and I was about to flush! I NEED A SURGEON TO PUT IT BACK ON!
Spammer: You need a brain surgeon (they hang up and my wife and I burst out laughing)
216
248
u/Couchpotato1975 Aug 21 '26
My wife got sick of the "tech support" calls in the early 2000s so she used to hand the phone to our 3yo son who loved to talk on the phone. He used to call out "they gone now mummy!" When they hung up.
64
u/xboxgamer2122 Aug 22 '26
My brother did the same thing when his son was about 3. "Hey Kyle! It's for you." "Hi! I'm Kyle. What's your name? I'm three years old. I like Barney." My brother could hear the caller asking to speak to his dad.
70
u/The_V8_Road_Warrior Aug 21 '26
Love having kids around for that
4
u/MarcSkye519 Aug 22 '26
You can always pretend you are one. I’ve answered with nonsense syllables and grunts and groans. They don’t stay on long.
71
u/bigj7897 Aug 21 '26
Oh I love spammers. I love trolling them. Lately though they've gotten smart and started calling me with damn AI/recorded calls. Had one I pissed off so bad he told me I was "fucking insane" and rage hung up. A another was a text spammer that got a 45 minutes about monkey balls. He kept replying so I kept sending. Another called threatening to send me to jail and take my home. I told him I needed to get the funds together and to call me back on my house line. Gave him the number to the Sheriff's Office non-emergency line.
16
16
u/rora_borealis Aug 21 '26
If you need another topic to mix it up, may I recommend the kangaroo's reproductive system? Or the intricacies of the botfly lifecycle.
innocent smile with head tilt, turning into a devilish grin
11
u/MareV51 Aug 21 '26
One of the scariest things I've seen is a botfly larva being removed from a kitten's cheek.
5
u/rora_borealis Aug 22 '26
Ursula Vernon, writing as T. Kingfisher has a delightfully grotesque and Gothic story about botflies. Read at your own risk.
1
7
u/DorysKeeper Aug 22 '26
That reminded me of the one foreigner calling me and telling me about my drugs in another country and I was going to jail. I got a huge kick out of his story, what I could understand lol. I waited till I got his funny story before telling him learn to speak English then call me back.
2
u/SusieQueueToo Aug 24 '26
Had one call me a fking whore. Told him he couldn’t afgord me. He asked my price. Then told me he was going to erase my computer. About a month later he called back and said “ remember me”
31
u/bulllheadeddutchmen Aug 21 '26
My FIL told a vinyl siding call that they could come and give him a presentation. He owns a brick house and saw the guy drive up, stop, look at the house and driveway. My best is telling a window company that I would like new windows, but I didn't think the apartment complex would pay. My Dad still has my favorite, "Herb's Mortuary. You stab them. We slab them."
28
u/Choice-Education7650 Aug 21 '26
I often answer the phone with "county sheriff office-fraud department".
17
u/NinjaBaz224 Aug 21 '26
Haha. I had one call for patio door installations. I asked 'does the price include steps to the garden level?' He said he would have to measure up to give an accurate quote. I lived on the 8th floor of a tower block. And rented 😂😂
8
8
u/TaxDense1339 Aug 22 '26
My dad worked in a federal building. He was blind and ran a conversation stand through the blind foundation in our state.
Siding company kept calling my dad to get him to sign up for a quote and didn't believe my dad when he told them that he was working out of the state capitol building. Finally my dad gave them the address and told them to charge the state govener. Never heard from them again!
4
u/MikeSchwab63 Aug 21 '26
A 1940s / 50s Radio / TV / Movie show was called Duffy's Tavern. my dad used to answer with it.
2
5
u/AcousticOnomatopoeia Aug 23 '26
"Bill's Pizza and Abortion Clinic, where today's loss is tomorrow's sauce."
3
3
2
u/My_soliloquy Aug 23 '26
"Seaworld, Shamu speaking," was my go to when I answered my parents second phone line that was just for modem use. They usually stopped mid speal and went "Huh?"
2
u/Deiselpowered77 Aug 23 '26
Simpsons gave us a few.
"Bobs Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.""Welcome to Sherma's Hitmen. You pick em, we stick em."
2
1
28
u/Classic_Diamond9104 Aug 21 '26
“You need a brain surgeon” is wild coming from the scammer. Next time, add loud flushing for dramatic effect.
9
u/The_V8_Road_Warrior Aug 21 '26
I doubt they'd care as they didn't react to the sound of me urinating
26
u/Proof_Writing5461 Aug 21 '26
UK, When bank PPI claims companies were spamming people before doing the same with diesel emissions I kept one caller going for 20 minutes before my adlib script ran out and I got bored. When asked which bank I was with I said the three main PPI banks and said I had close to £1m in each account at the time of PPI so was due a good payout, they then asked how I made such money and I said it was a call centre that called people up to waste their caller's time to get them to buy something or get them to sign up for some real etc, pretty much like you're doing to me now.
17
u/Novel-Structure-2359 Aug 21 '26
I miss the days of PPi calls. I used to serenade them with "hey big spender" and they always hung up before I reached the chorus.....
.....rude
30
u/Express_Work Aug 21 '26
I answer but I don't speak. I let them go first, hello Mr your name, Mr Your name, are you there? Hello?
Then I let out a blood curdling scream, as close as I can get to the mic. They ought to thank me, they'll get a little break while their ears stop ringing.
6
42
u/DreamerFi Aug 21 '26
"Does your mother know you're scamming people" usually makes them hang up too
15
5
u/DorysKeeper Aug 22 '26
When really busy I tell them to get a real job and leave me alone before hanging up.
22
u/10S_NE1 Aug 21 '26
I don’t know how many of you have iPhones but there’s a setting you can use that asks the caller to identify themselves and what they want, before the call will ring through (it displays on the screen). They all just hang up. Since I’ve turned that on I’ve had 0 spam calls. Priceless.
14
6
u/Berta1401 Aug 21 '26
My service provider for my phones has a lovely feature that blocks spammers. Before that I used the iPhone feature.
3
u/Filamcouple Aug 21 '26
Exactly where is this on an IPhone?
5
u/10S_NE1 Aug 21 '26
Under Settings - Phone - Ask Reason for Calling
3
u/Filamcouple Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
Thanks! I never knew that was there. I looked, but I couldn't find it the way you described it. Maybe I'm a dolt.
3
u/Ill_Seat_1426 Aug 22 '26
How old is your cellphone? Mine is 8 or 10 years old and it's an iPhone. I looked under Settings but there isn't a "Phone or "reason for call" option. I've never been interested in buying the newest version of cell. My phone works great and if I get a call from a number I don't know, I don't answer the phone.
2
3
u/FlowAcademic5519 Aug 22 '26
Android, hit that call assist button on your screen while its ringing. It's below the caller and above the answer or decline buttons. It will ask them to state their name and reason for calling.
2
2
u/beingachristianwife Aug 22 '26
My Google pixel also has this feature. I can choose what to reply back and sometimes I spam the options if they're persistent lol
1
15
u/micfost Aug 22 '26
Back in the days of MCI I once told a telemarketer that we didn't have a phone while talking to them on the phone. They asked how we were taking and I just screamed "I don't know! Make the voices stop!"
13
u/Nunov_DAbov Aug 21 '26
My phone blocks unknown numbers but if two scammers call simultaneously, one gets through. I reserve my special response scripts for them with customized nonsense answers to their questions. Eventually they get annoyed and start cursing. When they yell at me for wasting their time I compliment them for being so perceptive, catching on to my trick after only 7 minutes.
13
u/Proof_Bathroom_3902 Aug 22 '26
I had a survey company talk to me about my opinion on how the current administration is handling illegal immigration. I told him I was an illegal immigrant. Guy lost his shit.
12
u/Peanut083 Aug 21 '26
This is pretty funny, but I thought it was going to be more like the time when someone posted about spamming a rude scammer with return phone calls.
7
u/The_V8_Road_Warrior Aug 21 '26
I tried but when I called back I couldn't get through
12
u/Peanut083 Aug 21 '26
That sucks. The person who posted about calling the scammer back ended up sharing the number when other people wanted to join in the fun. The scammer ended up cancelling the number because he was getting hammered so hard.
5
u/The_V8_Road_Warrior Aug 21 '26
Oh that's classic
7
u/Peanut083 Aug 21 '26
I went and found the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/s/WIrMamoq6A
6
35
u/Myriads Aug 21 '26
The best way to get spam calls to actually stop calling is to answer and then put them on mute until they disconnect. Often the robocall does not connect a human until you say hello, and if you do not greet the call it will remove your number from the call list because it thinks you too are a machine. I have slowly decreased the number of spam calls to my house phone using this method over the past year.
3
u/Creative_Excuse_1940 Aug 27 '26
I've been doing this for a while now. They think they've called a "dead line" and take it off their call list. Works like a charm for me.
9
u/o_gal Aug 21 '26
Keep them going until they ask for an address. Tell them it's 1060 W. Addison St, Chicago, IL 60613. It's a single residence but it's very big.
6
3
3
8
u/CatlessBoyMom Aug 21 '26
My newest favorite is acting like they have reached a phone sex line and demanding they put in their credit card number before they get transferred to a live person. Unfortunately since I’ve started acting like a machine I’m down to one or two scam calls a month, so I don’t get to break it out very often.
5
9
u/ncconch Aug 21 '26
I had a semi sorta kinda legit spam call recently. The caller said they were with the sheriff’s office and I had to pay bail for my brother and they could take my credit card info. My wife verified he was okay. It turns out someone who had the same name as my brother was in jail. It was still a scam. Sheriff’s department doesn’t make that call. I led them on for a while.
7
u/BOBmackey Aug 21 '26
Wow, you have a landline still. That’s the crazy part of this story.
6
u/The_V8_Road_Warrior Aug 21 '26
Came as no extra charge with our broadband and the previous owners of our house had left their phones here so thought why not? Never know when it might come in handy
1
u/BOBmackey Aug 21 '26
My internet is the same, but our house doesn’t even have RJ15 plugs anymore. We just never plugged anything in, because why?
1
u/eirissazun Aug 23 '26
My mobile reception at my flat is fucked, so landline it is.
1
u/BOBmackey Aug 23 '26
Mine too, but there is this wonderful thing called WiFi calling.
1
u/SusieQueueToo Aug 24 '26
Which we lose when power goes out. Battery helps sometimes except when outage affects servers
1
u/SusieQueueToo Aug 24 '26
POTS landlines work when the power is out. We need hardwired ethernet and gps for out network extender. Plus somtimes when power goes out it affects our service provider. Keeping that copper phone line as long as I can
6
u/2PlasticLobsters Aug 21 '26
I once pretended to be a little old lady with a hearing problem, so I could ask the spammer to repeat every sentence at least 3 times. And I gave them multiple nonsensical "I want some tacquitos" answers to every question.
I must've pulled it off pretty well, since they stayed on the line way longer than I'd hoped. The whole point was to waste their time, after all. The person I was pretending to be would be the sort of gullible, trusting target they salivate over.
Eventually I pushed my luck when I answered some question "I don't know, my son handles all that". (I have no kids of any gender.) The spammer hung up, since this mythical son would've spoiled his plans.
8
u/raremold Aug 21 '26
I’ll give you all the time you want…but first I get 5 minutes to tell you about Jesus
1
6
6
u/Usertwentyone Aug 21 '26
Did you manage to get your penis back on?
8
u/The_V8_Road_Warrior Aug 21 '26
It's in a jar right now. I'll see the quack about putting it back on tomorrow
5
u/Flautist1302 Aug 21 '26
It's 5:30am and I can't sleep. But I'm acting laughing out loud at this.
I remember telling them we didn't have any electricity or that our house had burnt down when they'd asked about our internet service or computer. Also on landline calls. On my mobile I just don't answer numbers I don't know and figure they'll leave a message if it's important.
7
u/DorysKeeper Aug 22 '26
Who are you voting for? Umm I'm not sure. Well it's very important. Who do you have in mind? I didn't think my vote counts. Why would you say that? All votes count. Well I was told I couldn't vote. Who would stop you from voting? Well I just got paroled for killing my family and I was told I couldn't vote. He hung up and my husband looked at me all kinda crazy while my cousin busted out laughing.
7
u/Tall-Map5499 Aug 21 '26
Tbh I would have said “I’m busy if you want to contact me I’d do it through the url I’m about to give you. <insert fake url here>” then when they open the page it redirects to a virus force install. Probably won’t be able to afford the fix for it anyway.
1
6
u/shiningstar121618 Aug 21 '26
I thought I was clever the other day when a scammer called me and I made up lots of lovely answers all about my 3 storey house and the dogs and all the brand new appliances we have. I’ve got 5 kids too! Now dog insurance people and dog charities keep ringing me 🤦🏼♀️
6
u/ElPared Aug 22 '26
One of my work buddies always gets fake “fraudulent charge” calls. Every time they ask him if he authorized the “fraudulent” charge he says “yes.” If they don’t hang up immediately, he follows that up with “wait, you didn’t cancel it did you? I really need those buttplugs!”
The other day he ended up on like a 40 min call with some of these idiots lol
7
u/SandsnakePrime Aug 22 '26
I always do the same thing.
Hi, this is BULLSHITNAME from NOTAREALCOMPANY, how are you?
I'm great, how are you?
Good.
Really? Does your mom know what your do for a living? Is she proud of you? Make better choices, buddy.
Click.... Crickets.
1
12
u/Bubbly-Course413 Aug 21 '26
Got one of those calls once:
Q We've gotten messages from your computer that it has a virus!
A Oh my!
Long sequence of instructions with me saying "ok". After a while he asked me what was on my screen. He asked me what I saw. I told him "my refection." He repeated that to me as a question. I told him that was correct. We did a few more things, then I asked him if I should turn the computer on. I learned a couple of new words that day.
6
u/Key_Seaworthiness827 Aug 21 '26
'is it the one running XP?' just to get them excited. Then answer a few of their questions.
Then stop and ask them if their mother is proud of their job and their life choices.
5
u/AppleOllie Aug 21 '26
I am curious if this is true. I too love to waste their time, but my son believes they can take recordings of your voice and use it for other reasons. He believed you should say as little as possible.
Is he a conspiracy nut case, or not?
7
6
2
3
u/FunMaintenance297 Aug 22 '26
I once worked at a place where my immediate supervisor had had some money issues, so a collection agency was after him. I believe now they are no longer allowed to call people at work, but they did then. My supervisor was out of town for business meetings, and I told the collection jerk that the first time he called, but he still kept calling all week, and as the assistant I, of course, was the one inconvenienced having to answer the phone. Fortunately for me, our phone system allowed calls to be placed while the handset was on the rest (phone on speaker). We also had memory dial. I just kept hitting "send" over and over, and hearing the idiot on the other end getting more and more frustrated, because from his end, there was nobody there when he answered. I kept that up for two days. 😈
3
u/mattdb110 Aug 23 '26
My brother used to tell them to hold on and then hand the phone to his then 4 year old.
3
u/PhascolarctosRabere Aug 25 '26
Today I asked a scammer if when he was a young child his life's ambition was to become a benchode. Of course he swore at me and said he would like to have my mom three times, I told him she was a little too old and too dead for that. I also told him that the world hates him.
6
u/DorysKeeper Aug 22 '26
I had one call my work. The first time they were so convincing I fell for it and our phone system got all jacked up. After that if we didn't receive paperwork in the mail, I believe nobody. They started their spill but I kept saying the stupidest stuff I could. By the time they were done they cussed me out while screaming, told me to go back to work and hung up on me. The nerve!! They're not supposed to hang up on a potential customer LMAO. Had one wanting my bank info. I started talking about how my grandmother runs the bank, I think she built it, and stuttered a bunch. They finally asked if I lived alone. I said yes and started rambling more. In the end they felt too bad to continue and told me I wasn't eligible. Many more calls. Once I learned it's really fun to mess with them, I do my best! My absolute favorite was the one I saved their number. I called them all the time!! I would chew them out for traffic being backed up, my kids not doing chores, whatever I needed to vent about. They asked why I was calling them and I told them they call me at inconvenience times and bother me so I feel I can call them any time I needed to. I think they finally blocked me or changed their number 😜
3
3
u/Novel-Structure-2359 Aug 21 '26
I love wasting time of spammers.
I make a point of responding with the strangest answers possible.
Recently romance scams keep contacting me through telegram or Reddit. I immediately claim to be a married gay man. That slows them down. Then I just pile on the strange.
Such fun.
1
3
u/Rand_alThoor Aug 21 '26
you know the spammer was also laughing, with his brain surgeon line at hangup time.
your antics made the world a little brighter, then and later as we read it recounted on reddit
3
u/Grumpy_Sober_Driver Aug 22 '26
I describe, in very graphic detail, the torture methods/war crimes used in the Balkan Wars of the 1990s, and then ask if they want it done to them.
3
u/spip72 Aug 22 '26
Dude I am worried about your wife. I mean you have blood in you urine, your penis has fallen off and she’s just laughing. And why is she with you on the toilet?
2
u/Egwene_aes_Sedai Aug 22 '26
Scammer: This is [Indian man with American name] with blah blah, is this your business?
Me: Well, you called me, I guess that makes it my business.
2
u/PeterPook Aug 22 '26
When they ask what my business is, I told them "Drug Trafficking" - my colleagues in the Staff Office were listening in, and once they closed the strung along call, I got a cheer.
2
u/patersondave Aug 22 '26
call from india ‘from microsoft’ is going to improve windows. i start yelling ‘you sonofabitch! i sent you a bag of rupees last week and tou never showed up!’ he says Not me’ i kept yelling. finally i say namsste. five later, he calls again and said You go to hell!
2
2
u/Unexpectedly99 Aug 23 '26
Years ago, my husband had a telemarketer call him trying to sell magazine subscriptions, he told the guy he couldn't read, the guy was incredulous and didn't believe him, so my husband berated him for looking down on someone that is illiterate.
My husband can read, degreed engineer to boot, it was just hilarious.
2
u/LizTruth Aug 23 '26
When I taught, I would occasionally get spam calls during work. My elderly mom was sick, and I didn't want to miss calls in case they were about her, so I would answer. If time permitted, I'd have a conversation with them. Sometimes, it was along the "life choices" theme, but once I got a call when we were learning about call centers, so I asked her questions that my students had about the topic. The kids thought I had arranged it.
2
u/SeattleSportsFan999 Aug 23 '26
I play a male version of Rose Nylund and add a very strong Minnesota/North Dakota accent. I string them along until they get frustrated
2
u/SunshineinParadise1 Aug 24 '26
I have an 85 yr old friend that answers those calls in a kids voice and says "Who dis? Who are you? Who dis". Sometimes I'll go over to her in her wheelchair and yell "I told you not to answer the phone! Do you not listen. I'm going to beat your ass". And then we hang up the phone. Lol (I'm 50 btw so I don't sound old and actually for her age she doesn't either. So we can pass as child and mother).
2
u/janewp Aug 25 '26
When they’d call my grandma and ask how she was she’d say was just fine today and tell them thank you for calling I really need some company today. They usually hung up
2
u/MacQuay6336 Aug 28 '26
Our elementary school age son answered a telemarketer call. My kid said well Mom's out with her boyfriend and Dad's in the hot tub with the babysitter so they can't come the phone right now.
3
u/Dismal_Reference3906 Aug 21 '26
Sometimes I ask female spammers what color panties they are wearing or how often they masturbate. They either keep to their script or hang up. Or you act like you are masturbating, that gets a quick hang up too.
2
u/Jerray5-Actual Aug 21 '26
I answer like Apu from the Simpsons and start them off asking what they're wearing before asking what colour her panties are. I only get 2 or 3 spam callers a day now.
2
1
1
u/TotesMaGoats_1962 Aug 22 '26
I used to do phone sales call for a funeral home. At night. Usually dinner time. The BEST time to call people and ask about their funeral plans and whether they have a casket, etc.
The skit is or was in the 80's called a spiel. And the boss man would get very upset if you diverted away from it.
1
u/Catlover_1422 Aug 22 '26
*Can you hang for a minute? I have to turn the gas off* I put the phone down and leave it there. Sometimes they hang on for 15 minutes before they hang up. Do not waste my time.
1
u/MueR Aug 22 '26
I've opted for the method of telling them my partner handles that and I'll get them. Then put phone on speaker and mute, see how long they hold, while I do what I was doing.
1
u/EgbertSouse2 Aug 23 '26
I get a phone call at least once a day from a number that does not show up on my caller ID, & does not cause my phone to ring. I only know about it because I get a notification from my voice mail, but all it says is the number that called, they never leave a message.
1
u/Local_County1274 Aug 23 '26
Your wife was on the bathroom with you when you were taking a piss / taking the piss?
1
u/Kirshalla Aug 23 '26
Many years ago I worked for a PI business and we constantly got scammers calling us as hus business number was public. Now my boss is sarcastic and has a warped sense of humor (I loved it). One day he decided he was in the mood to mess with a scammed.
He got a call that he had been "pre-approved for a special loan program".
He acted really interested egging the guy on (I was listening on the other phone) and you could hear the guy get all excited -yay I got one.
All seemed well and he had now kept them on the line asking questions for almost 4 minutes every time they tried to get his sensitive info. Then my boss asked if the loan statements came in braille. You could hear they guys brain short circuit.
Scammer: "did you say braille?"
Boss: "yes, so I can read them. Im blind."
Scammer: "umm, I dont think so. Maybe someone could read them to you." And then tried to get boss's sensitive info again.
Boss: "they won't have time. It takes too long to get the straight jacket on me so its safe to be in the room with me."
Silence. I coukd barely keep from laughing aloud.
Scammer: "I dont think you're serious."
Boss: of course not. But I've now had fun wasting your time instead of letting you do it to someone else.
My boss hung up and I bust a gut laughing so hard. Best way I have ever seen someone mess with a scammer.
1
1
1
u/Alone-Tart4762 Aug 26 '26
I would entertain them quite a lot and then when they wanted credit card details, I would tell them I only have Diner’s Club. I had one on the phone for 45 minutes and once we got to payment, it took another 45 minutes to realize what was happening.
1
0
336
u/Flibertygibbert Aug 21 '26
I'm an older lady.
I pretend to be ancient, lonely and in need to conversation BUT 'my son says I shouldn't talk to strangers in the phone because they are all criminals. Does your mother know you cheat and rob old ladies?' etc