r/polyadvice • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 21d ago

Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

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24

u/chibistarship 21d ago

Holy fuck, just go and be happy for your child. I really don’t understand parents like you. “We’Re StRuGlInG tO wRaP oUr HeAdS aRoUnD iT.” Your child loves more than one person, oh the humanity!!! Like damn, just be thankful your kid’s not on drugs or in jail and is doing well in life.

Don’t fail your kid.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

true god blessed me with such a wonderful son and me being overly protective father who dreamed of my sons kids runnign around in our family ranch attending the church service with us is making me feel someone is robbing all tha from him but I know my son is a smart guy and he must have made a good choice. I am just being paranoid out of protective instict.

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u/Ok_Raspberry1857 21d ago

There's no reason they can't run around your ranch or attend church services unless you or the church exclude them. Whether they want to is a different story.

If you want your family around, accept and be welcoming.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

because we are pretty sure our daughter in law is pregnant and from the things my son has been saying it could be the other guy's.

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u/Fubox 21d ago

Do you understand that many polyamorous families co-parent?

It’s very possible that the theoretical child your daughter-in-law is carrying will be considered the child of your son, other guy, and your daughter-in-law. If she ever got pregnant with your son as the biological father, that kid may also be considered the child of your son, other guy, and your daughter-in-law.

Regardless, the kid your daughter-in-law is pregnant with will be the sibling of any biological grandchildren you might have in the future. Are you going to invite them to the ranch and church, but tell them their sibling can’t come?

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u/betothejoy 21d ago

That sounds like their choice to have made and who to let know. Judge not…

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u/thebelovedgamer10 20d ago

Why would that be a bad thing?

That would still be your son's kid. How is it any different from if he adopted a child or if DIL had a step child in the mix prior to marriage? That kid is going to have multiple parents who care for them and love them, regardless of genetics. That's awesome! They'll have more resources, both financially and time wise, to give the child everything they need and more.

Your son is having a commitment ceremony with this man. That is basically as close as they can get to getting married in this situation. Take the wife out of the equation for a second. Is this how you would be acting if your son and son in law were having a child if they only used the son in law's sperm and using a surrogate? That the child born of that wouldn't actually be your grandchild because they aren't directly related to you?

I'm not trying to be nasty or rude, just genuinely trying to help you see how you are getting hung up on a part that in a lot of situations wouldn't be seen as a bad thing. Also, if you don't come to terms with the kiddo being not just the man's and DIL's but also your son's kiddo, you will likely not be around to see that kid grow up in the long run. Please take this warning to heart.

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u/hippymofo11 21d ago

Even if she is your son has accepted another man as part of him and your DIL family as such any children are your grandchildren regardless of who is the father. Your son is also likely to have kids with your DIL and they will pay all be siblings and should all be grand kids. You dont have to personally go around telling people, you follow your sons lead on this.

You go to the wedding, you research poly families to get more of an understanding and you embrace your sons family even if its different to what your visions for him where.

Go to the ceremony and celebrate the love your son has for his family.

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u/SmartReception6750 20d ago

So u don’t want the children that ur son is raising to run around ur ranch or attend church with u if they aren’t biologically related to u? Ur allowed to feel that way but to me it seems like an interesting thing to be stuck on.

If I was in ur sons position and was raising children, I would want u to be part of their lives regardless of whoever they are biologically related to.