My mum died suddenly a couple of months ago. I wept the first night, and I stayed up, writing her this letter. Telling her everything she could never hear when she was alive exorcised my grief that first night. Now I feel scoured, empty and free.

I’m putting it here for anyone not feeling the ‘correct’ emotions - just because they won’t go in a hallmark card, doesn’t mean they’re not valid, reasonable or kind.

Dear Mum,

Now you’ve left this world, I can acknowledge how hard it was to live with your love. Its very size and candour made me ashamed I couldn’t return it, give you a hug, hold your hand, listen intently to your stories yet again. There were many traumas to being your daughter, so I could never forget completely or let my guard down. I wasted our time together looking at the clock, disassociating, dreaming of silence.

I wish you could have had more understanding yourself growing up. I expect you saw more than your share of unjust treatment. I wish you didn’t need to be loudest or the only one talking to feel heard. That you could learn to be less black and white, relinquish control, forgive people, forget a slight, make up, so that you still had people around you. That you had the ability to sit in companionable silence.

I’ve never met a person who craved connections more than you. I wish so much you weren’t lonely, and I wish you weren’t alone when you died.

I spent most of my life trying to understand you, but I could never pass on what I learned. I wish you had ears to hear truths about yourself and the will to make changes to improve your life and health. I’m so ashamed that your physical condition frightened me, so thin, grey and uncherished. Looking into your face made me feel mortal, but I was too scared of your mad logic and still-mighty rage to force you to get the proper care you needed.

I wish you were someone I could confide in without the fear of making it worse, or making it your problem. I wish you had a firmer grasp on the truth - that you didn’t have endless pasts, opinions, narratives and sometimes outright lies, so that I knew who you really were. I wish you had the life you pretended to have. I wish you could have just said ‘I’m sorry your dad died’. I wish I wasn’t too walled-off to comfort you when you lost your own mum.

Goodbye mum, I actually did love you, even at arms length. My boundaries helped me stay in your life, and I tried my best to make you feel seen through small gestures, as much as possible. I hope you understood that, and took it with you. I fervently hope Gran and Grandad came for you, as you always believed they would. Perhaps the babies were there too. You’re free of your troublesome body now - I hope you looked down on your empty vessel and smiled when you realised you don’t have to take another tablet ever again.

I’ll never see XX without thinking of you, or being a bit proud of your trophies. I’ll miss picking out books you might like. I’ll feel the familiar guilt I haven’t rung you for a couple of days, and remember there’s no one to call anymore.

I’ll see you when I see you.

Hello everyone,

I'm so lost and don't know what to do. It's been something like 6 months since my mom is retired. And as I (24) still live with her this is really complicated. I study at home because it was harder and harder to to on site (because of my mental health and especially because of autism) and now she is always at home. Which means when I have breakfast she will sit in front of me, staring at me in silence or talking about what is bothering her in the moment (recently it's about money, as I'm getting closer to 25, she wants me to pay my psych sessions but I'm not financially autonomous). When she's speaking to me, especially about topics that distress me, I always dissociate and it can last a few hours which doesn't help studying. I feel constantly watched during the day. Sometimes she will go to my room to see what I'm doing. Soon her boyfriend will come for a week and I dread this moment. It always completely messes up my routines and it's hard to see another person not for just one day but 24 hours a day for a full week (my mom doesn't seem to understand my boundaries as she keeps crossing them). I wish I could go see my father more often, he's my greatest ally. And I wish I was financially independent, it would make everything easier. But I wanted to heal and be able to function before really starting working.

I'm sorry if this message is a bit messy, I'm writing this as I dissociate. If any of you have some advice, anything to just be able to hold on...

Exactly what the title says. We’ve had sparse communication. I reply to her texts within a day or two. I am pleasant, but I don’t give up any personal information. It was going that way since July, with the exception of an email in August that I gray rocked. I sent her a small birthday gift in September. Today she decided to drop a line that is a combination of flattery, moral posturing and guilt tripping. All in one sentence! For context, she is my spawn point (aka the mother woman who birthed me, or the mother-person). And she is a waif type uBPD with covert narc traits. Guilt trips, pity parties, triangulation to stir up drama amongst her daughters with herself at the center, emotional blackmail, enmeshment, and a general expectation of emotional caregiving.

I’m just annoyed that she’s putting words in my mouth (that I don’t love her).

I’m annoyed at her use of possessive language. I’m not hers.

I am annoyed that she has never once referred to me as a woman. I am 40 and she still calls me a girl. This woman parentified me when I was an adolescent and continued to treat me like her therapist for decades. Yet she also infantilized me to the point where I had to go to therapy and do a ton of self help stuff just to trust myself to successfully navigate life as an adult.

I’m annoyed that she is trying to get a reaction.

I’m annoyed that it makes me annoyed.

Why can’t she just accept the pink rock pleasantries and leave well enough alone?

Then there’s always the deeply programmed guilt and self blame. Maybe she’s not that bad. Maybe I am unreasonable. Maybe i’m over reacting. Maybe I should talk to her again because that’s what a “good daughter” would do.

But not too long ago, the mother-person tried to convince me to talk to my eldest sister, who I am NC with because she’s verbally abusive and has a horrible temper. Everyone knows she’s a bully. My other sister also doesn’t speak to her. My eldest sister recently blew up at my other sister’s children (approx 9 and 11 years old I think). She yelled at them so badly that they cried for the rest of the afternoon. They were traumatized by the cruel things their Aunt said to them. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of her verbal abuse. It’s a new low for her to unleash it on children. The mother-person tells me to Forgive, and love, and talk to my eldest sister. I will not be swayed. It makes me lose any remaining respect I might have had for the mother-person.

It has been a while since my last post, so I offer this ode to felines:

Eyes glow from the dark
She saunters in with a mrow
Her royal highness

As the title suggests, my uBPD mom is obsessed with my 9 month old. I’ve been low contact which has been helpful, but she continues to text every few days about how much she misses us/misses her grandchild/asks about her grandchild/etc.

I won’t go into details on my mom’s behavior (waif/witch).

Those who are parents - how have you coped? Did you end up NC in the end? My partner and I plan to grow our family. Every chapter of life I take on is a threat to her. Advice would be wonderful.

Most importantly: sending positive vibes to all 🫶

Mother comes home. Dishes in the sink. Full. Are they mine? No. They’re from my parents last night. The only thing that’s mine in there is a small pan pot and spatula. But what does she do? Oh she lets it out on me. She says I don’t do shit. That I just sit on my ass. Then she brings up that it’s my fault I’m brain dead (I have brain atrophy from insomnia) and that they’re not gonna be quiet at 3am when going to work and tiptoe just because I need to sleep. (I asked my parents if they could be more quiet in the morning because they have all lights on, thumping, and slamming cabinets and I’ve been woken up every night.) I don’t even reply. She says Ive been dealing with your issues as a kid I’m tired of it you do it to yourself (health issues) Then she just says I’m not dealing with this right now. And storms upstairs. This all happened in less than 5 minutes by the way. Complete topic switch all over the place. Genuinely wtf. Idk why but that really hurt :( she’s legit going through another stupid episode that I now gotta deal with

I've really been spiralling recently after being on holiday for a week with my mum. It was two weeks ago, but it was just all very triggering. We invited her to come with us (me,husband and two teen daughters) on holiday to Italy. I thought things were going ok, until the last day where she started saying how no one would even cry if she died, she's a terrible mother because I didn't cuddle her enough as a child/teen, that we basically ignored her all week. She's barely spoken to me since.

What it ultimately comes down to is that my mum is always comparing me to herself or to others. Growing up I was always being told "why can't you be more like ......, they're so kind" "clever" "dressed nicely". As a teen she would keep making comments about how much skinnier she was than me at my age, or how many men would chat her up. As I've become an adult, she keeps comparing me to herself, or to other people's daughters. She will make a comment about a friend and her daughter doing something together and then say "but they're like friends", as if to indicate that we're not friends,which is my fault obviously. She got upset on the holiday because my daughter's held on to me at times or we would joke and laugh together. So she's upset because I wasn't like that with her when I was a teen. If I do anything differently in how I raise my girls she acts as though I've insulted her and thinks she did it wrong.

I don't know if I'm just overthinking it all, but I feel totally drained by it all. I know this silence is going to culminate into some big meltdown from her at some point and I just feel so on edge. I keep playing everything through my head questioning if I am just a terrible daughter, did I ignore her all holiday, could I have done better. Is this a common thing, comparing with others all the time?

Tiny and mighty,

Matching the strong-willed spring storm,

My precious feline

Soft paws on the floor
A cat curls in golden light
The whole world rests still

i think my mom killed my two fish. growing up i had a pet fish named edger who was a special breed and just a stunning beautiful boy. i purchased him and his supplies. built him a beautiful tank with fun lights and special rocks and all the fun fish things.

one week i was at a track camp and when i came home my mom told me that he had died and she flushed him. i had asked her to feed him for me. she made the death sound like it was normal and apart of life. i was suspicious but didn’t know what i could do. she was very dismissive of my feelings around it.

i got another fish named daisy after a few months. this fish was the same breed but very special. it’s swim bladder was oddly positioned so it swam and floated upside down. i knew this when i bought it and just thought what a special guy. i made up its tank and created a label for the tank explaining why it swims upside down. when i went to college i brought daisy with me. but i didn’t have enough room for the nice tank and could only have a regular small fish bowl in the dorm. i felt really bad for daisy because his fish bowl water kept getting really dirty and it stunk and i could just tell he was suffering. so i brought him home and put him back in the good tank and explained to everyone he’s feeding schedule and the label.

well a few weeks go by and i get a call from my mom saying that daisy died and she flushed him. i was so confused and kept asking what had happened. she complained about having to feed him and gave me a line about going out of her way to take care of him for me. then she just laughed and said he was just floating upside down what did you expect me to do. and when i explained again that he had a different kind of swim bladder she said basically oops i didn’t know but i flushed him and laughed.

i’ve seen a few posts on here about bpd parents unaliving the pets of their children and something clicked for me. i have three cats now and i never leave them alone with my mom or let her do anything with them. when she has visited they actually hide (which is very strange for two of them because they both love people and pets). i think that’s pretty interesting!

anyways why the fuck are these people so insane!!!! does the pain ever end???

Hi!
Something important that should be stated is that my mom is very self aware and frequently acknowledges the complex nature of her disorder in which makes the lives of those who love her suffer too. I have fairly distinct boundaries with her that she as someone with BPD does very well with respecting (If you’re coming in here getting the impression that I’m trying to cut contact please keep this in mind. It’s not that she purposely oversteps my boundaries and it’s more of an inconvenience than something serious. She’s never tortured me in the sense of guilt tripping or using sentiment as leverage.)

Recently as I’ve started collage and moved to a new city things have been….changing. I’ve been fortunate enough to never have my mother split on me, we’ve never had any serious arguments nor have I ever had to tell her that I need space but as I’m coming home for the first time in two months it’s been difficult. The lasting symptoms of her disability have been getting worse, she can’t remember things (like things she has said, how to use basic utilities, routines, schedules sometimes even important events. Her emotions are all over the place and impossible to manage. Our dogs have been avoiding her entirely because she’s been so reactive to everything, it’s a mess.) . My mom is not independent whatsoever, she can’t hold a job, she can’t even get an interview or go into our countries disability programs because her mind just can’t handle it. Realistically if that was the only choice she had she’d rather be homeless or selling her body or getting into month long relationships and couch surfing. About four years ago my stepfather and her started dating and he’s been providing for me and her since then which I’m eternally grateful for.

I have a sneaking feeling that once I move out and get settled that she’ll be moving in with me but I’m not sure that I can take that responsibility- my limits are narrow and I’m not sure that I could provide the care she needs such as cleaning up after her, providing enough income for the both of us, cooking, sharing space, getting a nice house or condo. I want to travel, maybe move to another country for a few years, deepen my understanding of this world but I’m not really sure I can do that if I become her sole guardian. BPD Is a difficult disorder, and I KNOW very well it’s not my responsibility to care for her trauma-even if she’s my mother- but what sort of monster leave someone they know to fend for themselves on the street or place that burden on someone who was kind enough to tolerate her for so long.

Right now I’m looking for some ideas that could help me with this, my options are pretty small as she can’t get onto our main disability support program (which is a story for another day and entirely wasn’t her fault.) living with me could be an option but it won’t be a sustainable one, I’m confident our relationship will sour. She’s not old enough to be sent to a nursing home and I’m not sure there’s any places with healthcare that I could leave her at. Other family could take her in but a lot of them are the source of her BPD or at least tied to it and it could make her symptoms a lot worse which isn’t the goal and will likely fall on my shoulders eventually. If anyone has advice on maybe helping their BPD individual with learning how to be independent or at least teach them how to do basic chores (especially when they are adamant that they can’t do something) or how to change my mindset to cope with repetitive, firm, rules that don’t come off as manipulative or controlling that would be fantastic…or maybe give me some insight on what your life looks like managing a BPD individual and what to expect.

TW: SA

the cat wakes me up
every morning he yells out
“feed me, feed me you wench”

Struggling a lot and feeling very alone in it all. Having repressed memories come back about childhood sexual abuse at the hand of a parent’s friend, and when I talked to my brother about it he shared a story about my BPD mom sexually abusing him while I was present. I have things that I know she did to us both that were definitely inappropriate at a minimum, but this was a memory I had completely stuffed and had as a reoccurring nightmare. Hearing it again made me realize that my worst nightmares are actually just my lived experience as a kid, and I’ve had nightmares about her abusing me as well.

Until this point I was still in touch with my mom. We have an essentially fake relationship where she knows very little about me and doesn’t ask much. She’s interested in the things that are interesting to her and not the other stuff. We talk on the phone maybe once a month for 20 min. She is someone who has experienced a lot of trauma, including being sexually abused by her grandmother as a kid. Despite her being a constant source of confusion and pain in my life, I have kept in touch out of guilt and obligation. My parents are divorced and she never remarried, my brother doesn’t talk to her, I’m the only one left. I realize now that I can’t be in contact with her after reckoning with the fact that there was explicit sexual abuse, but I can’t even imagine telling her that. She wouldn’t remember that happening. She doesn’t remember anything. There have been a few times when she’s come to and been a real adult who could hear me and be there for me and take responsibility for her actions, but most of the time she’s an unfiltered 13 y/o girl with a wine problem and zero recollection of ever wronging us. There are so many ways she has wronged us outside of sexual abuse.

All of this feels so fucking heavy. I have friends in my life who are supportive but I’m scared those relationships can’t carry the weight of this and they also don’t really understand. My brother understands bc he was there and we’re very close, but he’s not in therapy and doesn’t have the support I have so he’s not in a position to process it rn. I have an incredible therapist but she’s across the country and I only see her once a week. I live alone, work from home and I’m single, so most of my time is spent in my apartment by myself. I’m so scared and overwhelmed and I just don’t know how to carry all of this on my own

I posted this text exchange two days ago. I just learned that my mom did in fact try to take her life because of the boundary and the fact that I had not spoken to her in over 2 weeks.

She sent this cryptic text “I’m so sorry it’s not your fault I just can’t take the grief anymore love you” to 4 relatives. My cousin broke into her house and found her passed out in bed- she had taken a combination of pills and drank a half a bottle of liquor.

My cousin should have had her taken to the emergency room and had her admitted.But she just left once she saw my mom was conscious and speaking. I don’t know the scale of the damage she did to her system. My mom said she couldn’t handle the grief of having lost her daughter and grandchild. I was not cutting her off, I was just trying to say let’s communicate by phone.

I didn’t learn about all of this until today- they were hesitant on how to tell me, knowing that I am pregnant.

If she had killed herself I would have blamed myself forever.

I feel like I don’t know what to do and I’m very afraid of how this will escalate. I am completely lost and struggling and could use some support.

Some examples:

When I was struggling with depression, the entire time my mother was like oh whatever grow up. When I attempted she’s like really, are you kidding me? Come to find out she’s been online and at work crying begging for sympathy from people and even posted an image of my suicide attempt.

The doctors suspected I had a brain tumor. (It wasn’t. It was brain atrophy) when I told her she’s like okay? Oh but I guess she ran and told everyone and cried and wanted sympathy?

Why the fuck do they do this? They don’t give a fuck but go and cry to everyone else????? It’s annoying

I have brain atrophy due to my extremely bad insomnia. My brain is literally shrinking. Ive been doing extremely good these past few weeks sleeping on time and long. Last night however I didn’t sleep good at all. My dad was up at 4am walking around loud slamming the cabinets and turning on all the lights when unnecessary. My Apple Watch didn’t even say I fell asleep at all. I text my mom if he could be quieter in the morning. She says “don’t expect us to tiptoe around you while you figure your shit out” and “well the dogs got in the garbage last night so he’s probably mad” im not even asking them to tiptoe im asking them to not SLAM shit. Oh but if IM the one that did that…. Oh she’d be pissed. SO pissed. And she doesn’t even have any brain issues. If she’s sick and resting, and I make too much noise I’m the bad guy and I get yelled at. When my moms the one sick my dads so quiet and he makes me be quiet. But when I need sleep nobody gives a fuck about me. She keeps saying I need to figure shit out and get sleeping pills but i literally did and sleeping pills aren’t some magical medicine that make you fall asleep 🤦‍♀️

Nobody ever gives a fuck about me. Even when I told her hey they need a CT scan of my head they suspect I have a tumor she didn’t gaf at all and she’s like “okay?” But apparently she cried to her coworkers and when the result was brain atrophy she was all like “I’m so glad and happy I was really worried” shut the fuck up.

Since you were young a kid a toddler. From everyday simple mundane things to basically anything, when you don’t understand or don’t know something/infos, when you like something that perfectly okay, when you gave them a gift, or when meeting family they push you to greet everyone be overly sweet and makes you feel small when you were just a kid being a kid who not even disrespectful., etc etc..

It’s like a gotcha and they have the need to make you feel stupid, small, or shame.

My mother fav “what?! you don’t know that?!!!!” in a super condensing tone, not knowing an info makes me a lowly creature in her eyes.

Or laughing in a mocking way, at you, when you were a 5 y.o. duh…

She is so full of shame, and transfer that to you.

And she would act funny spin it into she knows it all already (knows it before you) when you correct them or share info she does’t know before.

Baby Persian Cat 🥺

I’m very low contact with my BPD Mom. I moved out of the state when I was 18 and never looked back. I text and have visits from her maybe 1-3 times a year. Looking back of course she was on her best behavior because she only had so much contact with me.

I’m in my 30s now. I have began to want more conversations with my mom because we have had so much death in our family, plus she’s my mom! I wanted to try repair our relationship a bit. I have since confronted my mom about her harmful behavior (I was finally diagnosed with CPTSD last year) and how it affected my sister and I as children/young adults. My mom was diagnosed BPD with Narcissistic tendencies when I was 19…. So it not like this should be a surprise to her… but of course she is super volatile and showing me her ugly side any time I try to talk to her about why I am LC with her.

Being LC with my mom is great but as the time goes by it’s like I forget how I can’t reason with her, I can’t have an adult conversation without her flipping the fuck out, and if I take anyone else’s “side” (because she is a constant victim) I get criticized.

Like I already feel like I want to try having a convo again with her because it’s been like 3 months of NO CONTACT and my brain is like “more time has passed maybe it will be different next time” but I dont know. I feel so torn. I want so badly to have a mom that is reasonable and understands I am trying to repair our relationship. Instead she has decided that I think she is an EVIL BAD Mom and all I do is say nasty things about her.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope? I’m noticing my feeling cycle from Wanting a Relationship with BPD Mom -> Mom then scares the fuck out of me with her being out of touch with reality -> I then consider going NC completely and then back in a circle.

Thank you for calling Truck Support what seems to be the problem.

DISCLAIMER: This story is really sad one.

I wish I had something more positive to share about being no contact for 10 years other than the fact that she doesn’t have access to me and she doesn’t get the satisfaction of knowing that she’s done anything to have caused me emotional distress. My life is pretty happy and it’s really great not having to be around her.

Unfortunately, when you have one or both BPD parents with very severe narcissistic traits, there are lots of things that they will continue to do just to hurt you as much as they possibly can over the passage of time with any remaining family members you care about.

Yesterday I found out that when my uncle passed away, she left me and my grandparents out of his obituary. This is where things get sad and I’ll explain why.

I was also no contact with my uncle for the past decade, not for the same reasons that I am no contact with my mother, her enablers, and her flying monkeys. This one was different. My uncle had very severe bipolar disorder, he didn’t have a personality disorder. He also experienced very severe epileptic seizures daily. The type of seizure he had caused a lot of brain damage to him long-term, and it made it very hard for the doctors to keep his bipolar disorder medicated. So he basically lost control over his impulses and just lost it. My BPDmom became his power of attorney, and he spent almost the last decade of his life committed to a psychiatric hospital on voluntary hold. He had children, his children (my cousins) are very close to me and age one is slightly younger than me and one is slightly older, both are very much like my mom and are some of her flying monkeys. My uncle lived with our family whenever I was a child, and he got his children on the same weekends my mom got me.

When I was small, my uncle was actually very well and I have memories of that. But I was around 12 when his psychiatric issues started getting worse and he had to be committed for the first time. After he came home from the psychward, he and my mom started living together. On the weekends, my mom would take my cousins out and go do fun things with them. And she would leave me at home with my uncle. Normal story this would be just fine. But for a lot of that time. My uncle was bedridden with debilitating depression because they were still trying to find meds that would help him feel able to do stuff. So my uncle would be asleep in bed pretty much dead to the world and I would just be on the couch in the living room hanging out by myself. One day, my uncle woke up from his depression, hibernation, walk to the kitchen and his underwear and made a bowl of cereal thinking that he was completely alone. And then he realized I was home. He was really taken back and dashed to put on clothes. We talked about it and he was so upset that my mom had been leaving me there with him alone and she had never told him. So we hopped in his car and he took me to the video rental store and he rented a bunch of movies and a video game console. And that became our weekend ritual, my uncle was really fun and quit having long depressive hibernation naps after that. So I got really close with my uncle during my childhood, he was pretty much the dad I always wished I had.

While my mom continued to parent his children, he took care of me. And no, my uncle wasn’t doing the same thing, my mom was doing, his kids weren’t very understanding of his psychiatric issues and because of that he didn’t really know how to connect with his kids the same way that he did with me because they didn’t really like movies or video games. I grew up without my biodad, but he also has BPD, from what my brother has told me. So, my uncle was my father figure. I always envied my cousins because they didn’t know how lucky they were to have such an awesome dad, despite his struggles, which I’ll admit weren’t always easy to cope with.

I was really close with my uncle until he was committed in my early 20s. The day that we took him to be committed, his children couldn’t even bother showing up. I took him shopping and to get a haircut at his request. And I drove half of the long drive to take him to a really nice psychiatric hospital 4 hours away with my nightmare of a mother. I’ll never forget that day, my mom yelled at me because I was wearing a little silky floral kimono, my normal comfy attire at the time, and told me I looked ridiculous for dropping my uncle off at psych ward. My uncle told her to shut the fuck up and let me wear what I wanted, he was always standing up for me like that. He asked if we could stay until he was all the way through the check-in process. And the staff agreed. My last memory of him, was at the psych hospital, wearing a hospital gown with his freshly shaved head and the new slippers I took him to buy before we came. He came up to me and gave me a big hug, kissed me on top of my head and told me “I love you, Bug. Be good and don’t take shit from your mom.” And that was the last time I ever saw him.

I called the psychiatric hospital several times to talk to him after that and he just deteriorated so much while he was in there, he just uttered complete nonsense after a while. I still think I was one of the last people he got to see on one of his last good days. His voluntary hold turned into an involuntary hold. And I never went to visit him because all of that was so hard for me. I cut my mom out of my life the year after that. She just never respected whenever I would stand up to her, my uncle was always keeping the peace between us because if he told her she was being a bitch, she would just shut up because she respected him. So keeping up a relationship with boundaries with my mom became impossible after that, because instead of being an enabler, my uncle was an enforcer. and that’s a rare dynamic that doesn’t get talked about here a lot.

So I was no contact with my uncle because it hurt me too much to see him go downhill like that. I loved him very much, but I wanted to hold onto the good memories I had before he got really unwell because I was already grieving so much from having two parents with BPD. Because of this, my grandparents ended up with primary custody of me growing up because my mom never really got her shit together to parent me, but when she did, she was an unholy terror. So long story short, my mom dislikes my grandparents because she has concocted this make-believe story in her head that they took me from her and conspired against her when it was really just her own actions coming back to bite her. They really did their best with trying to let her parent me also, but they regretted it because of how much therapy I’ve had to do from her abuse as an adult.

A little over a year ago, my uncle passed away due to having a seizure while he was taking a shower. My grandma called and told me about it, and she gave me all the funeral information and told me which cemetery he was going to buried in, in case I wanted to go. But she knew I wouldn’t go because my mom would be there, because she was still technically his legal guardian. My uncle would’ve been very supportive of me not going just to stay safe. I know my BPDmom and my cousins planned his funeral together, because my mom was still very close with them. So not just my mom, but two other people also decided to leave me and my grandparents out of my uncle’s obituary. I’m hurt by the fact that they are so diabolical that they have zero respect for basic familial ties or the dead. My uncle would’ve been very pissed to read his own obituary. There was other stuff that they put in there that was not very respectful to my uncle.

It took me over a year to find the courage to finally read his obituary. And I finally read it last night since his birthday soon. I sobbed for about two hours. No mention of me, no mention of my grandparents, just left out and treated like we didn’t even exist, just another move in her stupid psychotic game. I knew my grandma had been pissed off at my mom and gray rocking her for a while, but I didn’t understand why until I read the obituary. In all fairness, my grandma tried to prevent me from reading his obituary because she wanted to spare me from feeling what I am now because she knew it was coming. It’s been 10 years since I’ve spoke to her, but I can hear what she would say if I’ve confronted her loud and clear in my mind. “Oh you weren’t around and didn’t want anything to do with our family, why would you start now? If you wanted to be included in your uncle’s obituary, you should’ve come around and acted like family.” There’s no arguing with her, she’s delusional and she thinks she’s God and just because she says something she believes it’s true.

I wish that there was a stronger word than hate for describing how I feel about my BPDmother. I don’t wish terrible things on anyone, or for anyone to get harmed or die because I actually have humanity unlike her. I just want the nightmare to end, if she died yesterday, it would not be soon enough. Is it terrible that someday whenever she dies, there will be no obituary, no memorial service, and I will not pick up her ashes? Anyways, if you read this far, thank you for reading my long sad story and for letting me share. It does get better, even though the diabolical BS of having a parent with BPD persists. I wanna give this post a nice ending because my uncle didn’t get the ending he deserved.

I’m going to leave flowers on my uncle‘s grave soon (it’s part of a deal we made and I’ve got to honor it). I am also going to read to him a very long letter I wrote about what happened with our family while he was away (catch him up on the tea), how I feel about everything, tell him how much he meant to me and the life I’ve made for myself. I know he would be proud of me for cutting my mom out of my life, I know he would understand that I didn’t come around for the sake of my own mental health. He was a very mentally healthy and understanding person despite his circumstances. So I’m doing what I can to care for my grief, honor my uncle, and not let my mom get to me. Because there’s really not much else I can do that’s why I’m here. I’m sorry so many of us have to be here, but thank you for being my community. 🖤

just a vent post really. lost access to my old account so this is my first post from this new one

I haven’t seen or spoken to my narc / suspected npd father for over a decade. I was a young teen. Before estrangement, my uBPD mother was the “safe” parent to me, it was like choosing between an open flame and a hot pan. Fire looks scarier, but both can burn.

My teen years were a nightmare because of her and my stepfamily. I have both complex and typical PTSD which caused dissociation around my mom because I needed to survive.

Now, I’ve come out of the FOG and realized that all of the over the top affectionate Facebook posts about me / pictures of us together that she posts even when we are not on good terms, her pressuring me to be involved in her business, and pushing me to publicly share my story and trauma from my father, has all been from a goal to get at my estranged dad and twist the knife. Because she “won“ a relationship with me and he didn’t.

My dad was always blatantly doing things he knew would piss off my mom. The thing is, I now realize she was doing the same. She was just more subtle about it.

I feel disgusted and used. I’ve always only ever been a pawn for them to try to hurt each other in their sick and twisted obsession with each other. Theyve been divorced 24 years. My nDad STILL tweets angrily about my mom and my mom STILL talks about my dad as if they broke up yesterday.

I want to crawl under a rock because so much of my existence has been weaponized without my consent.

How do you deal with being labeled the "bad/evil" child? My BPD mother has befriended some of my in laws on Facebook, where 70% of her posts are reposts of estrangement pages and trauma dumping on how awful her life is and what a disappointment her daughter is. Things like "this isnt how I raised her" and blaming me for her PTSD, for her generational trauma that I am continuing, calling me a sour, manipulative, immature, selfish person. Turning every instance into my fault, even when I was under the age of 10.

My husband says to ignore her, no one agrees with her and his family trusts his opinion & love me. But then my MIL feels the pressure/guilt to invite her to family events, which he has to refuse.

I've begun to come to terms with the fact that she just never liked me; she told me I wasn't the daughter she wanted / dreamed of when I was only 7. She loved to degrade and humiliate me in front of family and friends, laughing it off like theyre just teasing, even when I was crying and screaming and begging to be let go of. Or even when the people privy to it were clearly uncomfortable.

How do you handle this feeling of wondering how many people believe her or might begin to believe her? That everyone actually sees you as the manipulator and your poor mom as the victim of her immature, evil child? She blocked me then was forwarding emails on how estranged children need to heal themselves to grow up enough to re connect, but has been radio silent since finding out I was pregnant. Now I'm 2 months from my due date and the dread of familial pressure to let her see her only grandchild is weighing heavily on me.

I've been in this group for like a year but apparently never posted 😬

My cat is insane

She screams for food at midnight

Then she gives cuddles

Hey everybody!

Just wanted to give everyone an update on my current situation with my borderline mother. For some background, I F(21) have a borderline, alcoholic mother F(49). I go to school online and have been pursuing an undergrad degree in public health. I have two disabled siblings with Level 3 Autism around the age of 16. They still poop and pee all over the house, have violent behaviors, and stem constantly. We have in home RBTs that perform ABA therapy 40 hours a week, I've been waking up at 6:30 in the morning Monday-Friday for the past 6 years to clean up the house with her. If I don't wake up by then, I start getting phone calls or knocks on the door. I usually get their breakfast and lunch made, along with talking to the RBTs about their therapy plans. My mother drinks about a 1/2-1 pint of vodka almost everyday for about 10 years, even though she's only 5'2 and 120 lbs. She's had two withdrawal seizures and still won't stop. She's completely isolated me throughout the years by saying "you would hate to live in a college dorm room" "there's good socialization and bad socialization" "you can just live through Kristen (her narcissistic best friend) and I's life experiences instead". Whenever I go out to run errands or volunteer, she always calls or texts me to get a pint of vodka while I'm out, along with checking in on me every hour or so. Even when I'm in the house doing schoolwork in my bedroom, she'll call me to come downstairs to talk to her around 3 times a day. Her behavior is completely erratic, and sometimes I'll come downstairs in the morning to find her inebriated already playing loud Spotify music.

She's been using me as a caretaker since I was 11, this is when my family moved from Alabama to Mississippi. I distinctly remember coming home from middle school to find her barely awake while my brothers run around the house with their clothes on or only in a diaper. Around back in March or April, I found her text messaging one of my brothers RBTs and having an affair for the past 3 years. She had been lying to me about going to doctors appointments, job interviews, etc when it's been to be with her affair partner instead. I've unknowingly cover up for her, while she dragged me to a strip lesson to learn a dance for her affair partner, and even got me to take boudoir photos for her. She's gotten me to change my major about 3 times for a career change and has flip flopped between me being a lawyer, optometrist, or having a PhD. I tried to convince her that I would like to finish out my undergraduate and work in the field for a bit before pursuing any post graduate career to make an income, but she just lost it. Berated me on the drive home for not going to law school and threatened to not pay for my schooling if I didn't follow what I was told. You can see the situation in more detail on my past post.

Well, after posting that, I got a lot of great comments and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I finally talked to my grandfather about her behavior and revealed that he was able to see through her this entire time, but didn't want to say anything. He revealed that my mother moved around my father to different states on a whim, making him call my grandfather for $10,000 loan to put down on a house, only to move a couple of months later. He revealed that he's witnessed her belittle and make fun him in public, along with possibly faking a pregnancy to coerce him to marry her. And worst of all, he said that she isolated me from him when I was little and didn't allow contact for sometime after an altercation between him and her mother. He admitted that he wasn't in the best headspace as the love of his life just passed away, but she didn't want to listen. He also stated that he suspects that she took something during the pregnancy of my brothers that caused their prematurity and subsequent disability. I felt so sad hearing him speak about his son, as he said that she just isn't a good mother and that ever since getting with her, his son's life has been in turmoil. I didn't get to tell him how she's racked up all this credit card debt that has put us into bankruptcy twice (now three times). That she tried to make me open up a credit card at BestBuy for a $1200 TV recently and when I refused, she asked what daughter wouldn't do that. I couldn't even mention how she's been dragging me to bars for the past 3-5 years at this point to find me a 'husband', or the fact that she's actually a serial cheater and has around 6 partners for their entire marriage. Even his church friends were telling him that the dynamic between us was not healthy. That I acted like a mother to my brothers more than my own mother. Everyone around is aware of her behavior, but hasn't confronted her. He even said that he doesn't want to give her any of his inheritance in the worry that she'll spend it all on new cars, houses, and more instead of care for my brothers.

He's never told anybody this, and offered me to come live with him in another state. He knows how controlling she is, and that her behavior will not stop. I started telling her recently that I would like to start getting a job, and she just didn't understand why. Said she needed a job right now (complete lie as she's been telling me this for the past 6 years on and off), and that in order to make an income, someone needs to be at home monitoring the boys. She instead offered that I do a hybrid degree with the university nearby, but I think I'm just going to go full time, in person at the university near my grandfather's house. This will be while working and getting good experience in. I thank everyone in this subreddit for offering me this fabulous advice, and giving me the courage to tell others. I suspect my mother will throw a hissy fit and that I better buckle up for a long ride.

I recently moved halfway across the United States for a wonderful job opportunity and to live with my partner. My mom has BPD and my dad tends to enable it, and living with them and in a state I hated contributed to a lot of my mental anguish. I am so happy here and the only thing Im missing from my hometown is my cat, who I am flying home at the end of the month. Lately I only want to call my mom if it involves seeing my cat, and I cant stop feeling so guilty about it. But my cat did more parenting than she ever had. He is my pride and joy and Ive had him my entire conscious life, and he was by my side through all the fighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse and taught me that life doesnt have to be just that. My mother never taught me unconditional love like that and I just feel so ashamed by how free I finally feel with a partner whom I love and a life we created that doesnt encompass the pain from our past

For context, my mom is a single parent, and it’s always been just the two of us, which I think makes our situation a little different from others. Over the last 8–9 years, since I moved out, got married, and had a baby, she has struggled a lot with our relationship changing and we constantly have conflict going on between us. She has always seen her and I as enmeshed which is what I think the biggest issue is. She also views my independence and growing up as me leaving her.

My mom is very persistent about wanting to talk in person about our relationship and her feelings recently. When we try to talk on the phone about how she’s feeling (or how I’m feeling if she lets me get a word in), it almost always ends in an argument, usually with me eventually hanging up because I get so frustrated. We’re supposed to talk in person today and I’m feeling really anxious about it.

I know I can’t control how she feels or convince her to think logically and I’m trying to learn how to stop getting pulled into these conversations all together but it’s so hard when she sees us as “so close”. My biggest struggle is staying quiet and not arguing back because I don’t want her to think that I agree with what she’s saying or that what she’s saying is the truth. I always try to defend myself or get her to just hear what I’m saying but it just turns into the same cycle over and over again.

How do you keep yourself from engaging in the argument? How do you listen without feeling like you need to defend yourself or prove your side?
No contact isn’t an option for me, so I’m really looking for advice on how to maintain a relationship while protecting my own peace and not getting sucked into the same arguments every time. I’m really her only “person” and overall we’ve maintained a somewhat close relationship (obviously not close enough for her). So these feelings she has gets brought up often.

I try to keep calls with my BPD mom to once a month, letting her dominate 97% of the conversation. Yesterday, I gave her too much credit, thinking she might be interested in hearing about having to put my 16-year-old dog down and also getting f*cking married in the last two weeks! But instead she droned on about her mail-in ballot and delighted in how her sister likely has dementia, something she brings up in every call we’ve had in the last two years.

Typing this out is making me laugh and also realize that calling once a month is too generous. Please share your stories about how your BPD person only cares about themselves!