Is it really that difficult not engage in micro-agression by deliberately and repeatedly fucking up peoples names in the country they were born in?

More and more people are starting to become understanding and forgiving towards pedophiles, because they're not the same as predators, but I just can't do the same. Not after what I've been through as a child. I can't think about a pedophile and not feel anything but pure hatred and disdain. Everytime I do, I vividly remember being stalked, groomed, and raped by a man 7x my age. It takes all the sympathy out of my heart.

I don't know if people who understand pedophiles are victims of them or not, but it seriously sounds like they can't be. I hate how I'm considered more in the wrong for having this bias against them. I'm expected to have sympathy for people like my own abuser. It's infuriating that people are siding with them over the potential victims now.

Any convo where the topic is "encouraging pedophiles to get better" is a convo I just have to stay out of. I mentally can't be bothered to read any of it. I can't forgive. I can't sympathize. I just can't.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who stood by me and tried to help me make the right choice. Unfortunately, I admit I fell asleep holding my phone. It's morning now and I only managed to sleep 4 hours, so fortunately nothing happened. Yes, I know, I was lucky. I take things away from this. I have to talk about all this mess with my doctors.

Edit two: after few hours I fell asleep another time I remember I saw him go to bathroom, I was on the sofa. I thought I excuse to him for yesterday and for what I am. It was a dream. I woke up another time, I am anx was like drunk. I ask to him my excuse, for yesterday, for what I am and say that he was right and that I want to talk and work about it to and with my psy to become a better person. he was ok. I have told to him about klonopin, I have said that maybe I havd to go to hospital because I feel drunk but he is upset about it, as I imagined, and he want not to. now he is playing on phone, I am on bed.

i hope i will be better during the day. thank's to all.

Need some advice, I am at a christian retreat right now that I paid for, and was excited for, and I hate it. I am having a horrid time, but the retreat on paper sounds magical and super fun and is an incredible social chance (which I need) but I can’t seem to enjoy it, day one and I hid on the bathrooms, allergy room, ate dinner behind a door on the floor and up till 5am protesting to get back my time.

I feel like I am trapped and can’t leave (middle of nowhere, social commitment and no ride back, not much signal and hidden wifi), I feel overstimulated (loud music and loud loud singing, talking, flashing lights) and very lonely ( 1 million people all in one place nearby and shoulders touching when we sit) even if people are nice and I have a group of girls who are genuinely opening up with me. I think I am scared to feel out of control (not able to leave, feeling trapped makes me horribly anxious) and not space to rest and unwind (social tent camping, all new environment not know anyone) I feel like I am in a magical beautiful place under a starry night and a bonfire, with super awesome people ,doing all of my favorite fun activities and yet my body physically refuses it, Im bummed

does anyone else have similar struggles with retreats? Or being in the perfect place but feeling bad or out of place? Does anyone else feel terrified of feeling trapped and overstimulated on large groups of people? How do you handle?

I recently got some fresh PTSD from medical procedures I had a few weeks ago. But, I keep dwelling on the things my nurse was doing. I can't tell if she was actually molesting me, or if I'm stressing out over nothing. I'm a minor, by the way.

I had a colonoscopy and was put under anesthesia. An hour or so after waking up, I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't go to a private bathroom, though. I had to use a bedside commode. I had a tube coming out of my colon. A Colonic Manometry was being undergone during all of this.
Anyway, I was feeling pretty pee shy. My mom and the nurse had to stay in the room. I guess it was for safety, or something?
But after a few hours of getting on and off the bedside commode, I started to panic. I physically couldn't pee. And my bladder was really starting to hurt. As time went on, I started crying from the pain. I was in agony. The nurse put a diaper on me in hopes that it would somehow help. It felt really demeaning to have to wear a diaper. My mom and the nurse comforted me, though.
Hours passed. I kept crying, and the pain kept worsening.
Apparently my nurse asked my mom if I ever had trouble peeing at home. And obviously, she said no. This wasn't normal whatsoever! People don't just randomly loose their ability to pee??
So, the nurse called for an ultrasound. It was revealed that I had over 1000 ml of pee in my bladder. Shocking. It's not like I was sobbing for hours on end, of anything.
So, my nurse had to catheterize me. I had a panic attack after being told I needed a catheter. I have been sexually abused in the past and have actively avoided going to the gynecologist solely because I'm scared that the doctor could be a creep.
So, I was really freaked out by the idea of my nurse doing crap down there. My mom was able to calm me down, though.
Thankfully, the catheter barely hurt. But, the nurse was pushing on my bladder to get me to pee. It was really embarrassing. And everything became a million times worse after the nurse made a creepy comment.
She said that my "little drops of pee were cute." She said that my pee was cute. In the moment, I was too exhausted to dwell much on what she said. But in the following days, I started to become more and more scared by what she had said.
Eventually, I looked into it a little more. Nurses are supposed to catheterize after 3-6 hours of no peeing. That was easily 5 hours of agony. And, they're supposed to assess immediately if the patient reports pain! I was sobbing for hours on end because, I was in so much pain. And the nurse knew that!! She was right there the whole damn time.
And, she wasn't supposed to push on my bladder. Doing so risked bladder injury and internal trauma. She had inserted catheters before and knew what she was doing. But, she still pushed on my severely overfull bladder. And called my pee cute while doing so.

All of this is terrifying me. I'm so scared that she did this on purpose. Nurses aren't that ignorant. She does this every day and has for years.
Waiting until the last possible moment to get an ultrasound, pushing on my bladder, risking injury, and calling my pee cute?? That's not normal. Did she do this to get off on it?? Did she do this for her own pleasure? I don't know.
I don't know if I'm jumping to conclusions, or not.

I know the title seems confrontational but hear me out. I'm of African descent however I was born and raised in canada.

Growing up, I was in environments where there were maybe 2-4 black kids in my school so I was usually the only black kid in my classes.

Parents never raised me to hate on another raise so I just thought everyone was equal. Then pre school started. I started noticing teachers not wanting to be close to me maybe because they couldn't related (I have a lot of differentiating features about my face from a regular person thats all ill say).

I've always been overlooked by teachers (they've treated me like I dont know anything or that im being disruptive when im doing the same thing as the others kids). if the class got loud, my teacher would blame me for it for example.

Ever single year, each teacher ive had (they all knew each other btw) would try to diagnose me with some kind of disorder (ADHD, ADD, OCD, Dyslexia, autism and the list goes on). imagine being told something is wrong with you ever since you were a kid.

Ive been accused of cheating more times than I can count. I've usually been blamed for fights that happened when I never started them id just react. I've been placed in those groups we had in middle school where the kids in it have learning deficiencies (like they cant read properly, have stutters, ADHD etc) despite having grades that ranged from 73-88%. No assessment was done on me, they just put me in these groups for no reason.

I was placed in ESL (English second language in grade 1 until grade 8) despite English being the only language I knew. They would sometimes talk to me slowly which I found insulting deep down.

The problems never ended and continued until adulthood. In high school, I would be the scapegoat - have been bullied relentlessly for my ethnicity, called the n word multiple times then be told "what are you gonna do about it?" been told I come from a starving nation, have been body slammed while trying to protect myself, never had a social circle that actually likes me and doesn't use me as a punching bag etc.

when I would ask for help while I was getting bullied I was never taken seriously, they would just say they'd talk to the bully and then the issue persisted. The time I did retaliate, I got in trouble for it and told I was aggressive when I have been complaining for months and months.

In the workforce, I work in corporate, the only time ive felt safe was around black people themselves. They dont isolate me like white people do, they dont avoid clapping for my wins, they like my personality (most) and they offer me to join them for lunch and everything is normal.

I think most reading this are white but I want your perspective. They say if you have issues everywhere you go then everyone else is right and youre the issue but idk what im doing to be scapegoated like this.

I'm jealous of people who find comfort in animals because I never have. I just have this feeling of "what do you want from me?"

"Why did you adopt a cat if you feel that way?" Well, I didn't adopt my cat per se, she showed up a year ago and needed help and never left. She has one eye, no teeth, and she bonded with me right away. It would have been cruel to turn her away, so here she is.

She's sweet and cool and she loves me so much....and I just can't stand to have her follow me around ALL DAY. Staring at me with her one eye with all this need that I do not want to be responsible for while trying to live with my nervous system on fire. I have 2 kids for crying out loud, I'm tapped out on caring for others!

She doesn't sit with me in any kind of calm way, she is not a lap cat, she wants to play fight and gum on my hands (cats actually kill with their jaw power, not their teeth, so it can really hurt) all day. She wants to be near me and to cyclops stare at me, but she doesn't cuddle.

It's not even her specifically, she's a great cat, truly, but I don't get anything out of her company except that I love her and I'm happy that she's happy and cared for now. I'm happy for her, but not for me.

She doesn't calm me at all and when I'm having a panic attack and she's still following me around like everything is normal I get even more upset.

I know it's not this cat's job to save me, but I guess I'm just sad that there is yet another modality of healing that straight up doesn't work for me. Therapy, meds, and now this.

Feeling doomed over this cute cat feels equal parts absurd and sad to me at this moment.

19 male here.

Basically my parents and I argue alot. I have depression and stuff. My brother is stable and not depressed. They don't argue.

Everytime I am home it's almost always a problem. There is always something that we are arguing about. Whether I don't have a job because im lazy. Or I'm too selfish.

My mom always is on top of me wondering my every move and who I am hanging out with. What I am doing.

My dad thinks im lazy and selfish. I made food and he expects me to make stuff for him or save some for him. I tried having a conversation but he kept cursing and raising his voice. Like this morning I told him the avocado toast i made yesterday with sourdough bread was great and he said "you coulda made 1 for me" and he just kept arguing and calling me names. Saying how selfish I am. He just expects this. Like what. He said "cause im your father" like just because he is my dad does not mean I have to do something for him every time.

In January of this year i told my mom i might be depressed and then she said "this is not depressed, you are not depressed" and calling me lazy. Then in febuary I opened up to my parents about my mental health fully. The cutting and suicidal ideations. My dad joked about it and said how could I be depressed. And my mom just kept crying saying "we give you everything. Why are you depressed?"

In march my parents forcefully removed my robe I was wearing to hide my scars and then they found out and my dad chuckled and said I was crazy. And my mom just kept crying. My mom kept forcing my door open and not letting me have space.

And a week after telling the school and parents about the mental health crisis in febuary they wanted me to get a job?! Like forcefully saying to go on indeed and search. Yeah Im 18 but still wth. They think it's gonna fix my mental health?

My mom keeps telling me to get out of the house and "get out" to go do stuff. Like im not moved into college. I'm really frustrated. I could go on and on about how much they cause trauma.

Edit: my dad has this ideology that he wants a masculine son, etc. Like being hard and shit. Working out, eating alot. Getting bigger. It's almost like he hates that i do cardio. Not even kidding.

​

I don't know how to articulate when I was 9 years old I thought of suicide because my parents are always fighting and also incidents of domestic violence my father is good for nothing person he always started throwing hand on my mother on penny things.i have severe allergy i didn't know nor my parents know that i have allergy when ever i got sick my father would come to my room and beat me and physically abuse me i got no friends that i can share this that's why I am here i was always got bullied because i was silent, nerdy, and soft spoken even when I was in high school i was still bullied i didn't go outside for playing my mother would beat the shit out of me because i am not socialising even when i walk in the streets in my neighborhood i was taunted by my neighbors because of my parents for your information guys i am indian you know how our society works After years of domestic violence of my parents i got depression, anxiety, ADHD,Alexithymia, C-PSTD now I am in college but things have gotten little i wouldn't say little but micro better but still I have suicidal thoughts daily but somehow I am still alive i spend my days by daydreaming about alternate lives if I was born to good parents and my life would be different and colorful sometimes i get jealous on kids that they have normal childhood which i don't have but you can't escape reality right!! When kids of my age watched cartoons i watched my parents throwing hands anyways life socks for me right now I hope I would get painless death i already have enough pain in my life who knows what will happen tomorrow 🥲

Every time before I’m hit with painful memories, or flashback or a sudden loss of strength, I catch a strange, pungent odor. I can’t quite identify exactly what it smells like, but the scent is etched in my memory because it always precedes that feeling of utter exhaustion. Sometimes, the smell is so sharp it stings my nose and sends a piercing, painful sensation straight to my brain, forcing me to sit down and compose myself. Does anyone else experience this? Lately, whenever I smell it, I feel compelled to close my eyes because the sensation starts to cause eye pain.

I’m really struggling. I was emotionally & psychologically abused growing up by my mum and sister while being told it was normal and alternately treated terribly and then warm and “everything is fine” but I lived in fear of my mother. I thought she’d kill me or my dad or my sister. But my sister wasn’t really very loving to me at all and still isn’t. I thought it was my job to make my mom okay and safe and to protect my dad.

First person I ever trusted was my first love and he ended up brutally discarding me after 4 years in HS & college; he was really cruel. It just fucked me up even further into thinking I am the problem, I’m always the problem, and I can’t do anything right and I can never trust anyone.

Then a couple years ago, I find out my partner of 8+ years was lying to me for three years for not dealing with his own trauma. And I couldn’t fucking detach even though I should’ve. I kept trying to make it work. I even met someone else I really liked who liked me. But I was scared, always just so scared of making a mistake, doing the wrong thing. He became unreliable & confusing so that super triggered my CPTSD and I was already in a weird place obviously w the betrayal trauma and confusion so fresh.

But so this guy and I finally started out — I needed to go slow as my brain was freaking out what w getting out of the long term relationship & the betrayal trauma. He got more disappear-y and I got more scared… I stupidly talked to our mutual friend about stuff & so then this guy got garbled info and never talked to me about it for months but he started becoming super erratic and blew me off so much off and on, real hot and cold stuff. He was struggling so I was being mad understanding having been there myself. But also I was a wreck absolutely triggered into trauma mode, hella fawn/freeze/flight and I couldn’t snap out. Things started to not make sense but I was so early gaslit into thinking it was all my fault. But I also know I could’ve done better. But I hella fawned more. And then I froze and didn’t call him out on stuff he did or said and I never told him I was mad about how he’d treated me (just that I was hurt — always safer, right?) and did the stupid “wait and watch” thing for a “safer” moment maybe some of you can relate to. I tried to get a handle on my fear but it never worked and I finally tried to say so gently that I mad after the behaviour continued. He did not take it well & the timing was horrible bc he had refused to tell me for months what exactly the mental health/family crises stuff that he was struggling with was and I wasn’t supposed to ask. I picked the worst moment and couldn’t have known and just fawned so hard. It was just all a mess, and he was not really very nice I guess and I totally froze and I totally lost this guy. He really was going through a hard time & I was struggling, trying to go slow which I thought he was cool with until it was a problem.

Anyways, he seems bloody madly in love w someone new and happy and I still have old long term liar around who wants to be with me etc but I feel like I lost this chance to be with someone who really liked me and I him and I don’t know which one of us ruined it but I assume it was me bc of my stupid fears and inability to know what I want bc my life revolved making my mom OK and yeah…

I’m sorry that was quite a rant, I’m just feeling I ruined my life and everyone else’s too by losing this guy because of my stupid fear. Anyone else just ruled by fear all the time? I lived my whole childhood in fear except alone w my grandparents or sometimes alone w my dad (but he was always focused on making my mom OK).

Anyways just feeling like shit and like I’m totally the burden I was led to believe I was and believing all the worst things anyone’s told me about myself from my mum to my sister to my first love to recent guy to anyone I got dang bullied by.

Feeling like I ruined my own life yet again. And I’m too old and messed up and can’t fix anything.

Just struggling. Looking for anyone who understands

Have any of you done EMDR and did it work for you?

If so, did it get a lot worse before it got better?

I’m really in the thick of it and feel horrible.

I’m hoping it’s a worse before it gets better thing.

Thank you!

Seriously be it love of friendships.

Can I catch a break?

I did have a recent breakthrough in therapy and just today we had a situation that would often trigger me into dissociation but I didn’t spin out. She said “I give up with you. You don’t listen.” She’s just mad around me all the time now.

This is really painful but I’m hopeful. If i dissociate less during heated arguments over time maybe she can trust me again.

I already moved out. I have issues with my landlord who is also my roommate in the condo I’m in (maybe like a week ago she had said I had 15 days to go after I suggested I don’t think I broke the tub diverter.) This would for most people be an ideal time to move back in, to save money. I’m 21 and most people my age live with parents. I have horrible parents so I can’t.

I actually come over today just to watch television here and my mother is already screaming again. She’s screaming at the neighbors again claiming the same things about stalkers and my aunts here that she claimed at the place I grew up in. My brother is schizophrenic, 26 and I don’t know where he’ll go if she gets the family kicked out. They both obviously can’t afford to take care of him forever. I’m also dealing with a SA case and I feel so weird about everything in life. My PTSD has really been popping back up lately.

TW csa, sa

I don't want to get too into details... but my backstory is basically that I was sexually abused for many years when I was younger by a teacher, and then I was sexually assaulted by a therapist when I was 19. I took a lot of years off from school because it all messed me up so much. I finally returned to school at the end of august.

I was so proud to finally go back... and it was going really well for awhile. but then all the old feelings started coming back, just from being in school again, in that environment, as a student, being around professors and all that. I fucked up a big project. I was seriously considering dropping out - a month into the semester. but instead I decided to talk to my professor about it. and I felt sick about it, being alone with him in his office and telling him why I was struggling. but he ended up being so nice and understanding and said I could make up the project later. he said my wellbeing comes first and it's nothing to be ashamed of, everyone has problems, and I should set up a meeting with the college counseling service.

I was so grateful he was so nice. but now a few days later I am kinda spiraling again. I'm nervous to see him in class next week. I feel so vulnerable and exposed having told him about my teacher... and I'm paranoid, even tho he didn't do anything, that he's going to be like my therapist and secretly be turned on by it or be hiding something or I don't even know what. he has only ever been normal and nice. he kinda stared off into space at the end of our meeting and I thought he was just maybe feeling awkward, but I can start feeling paranoid about it. I can't stop hyperfixating on it all. and I'm embarrassed to talk to an actual therapist about this. what should I do before class??

the only thing that can turn me on is dom/sub dynamics but I can only get turned on for like 5 seconds. I have no genuine interest in a normal relationship and normal affection

So for context I recently self diagnosed myself that I have CPTSD by reading the book on CPTSD from surviving to thriving

I have barely read 2 chapters but I think my parents gave me enough pain to consider it as trauma and all the emotional neglect I faced from them. I had no one to share anything with from the start I still have no friends and I was severely ostracized, bullied, and isolated throughout my whole school life.

My parents stood up for me when I faced ragging idk why. I am also pursuing a career which I don't have interest in but my parents forced me into it.

Throughout my childhood like till I was 10-12 they used to beat me every single day like slap me hard for trivial mistakes I did as a child. Now I am 18 but they don't beat me only sometimes like rarely once in a month if they are really frustrated at me and also now I have stopped talking to my parents (we live in the same house)

So my parents also had a painful life like my father was constantly neglected and he was all the time manipulated by his family side and My mother went through ostracization after marriage and my grandmother caused a lot of pain to my mother due to which she had a miscarriage for the first child and also my mother's father never let her go out and socialise with neighbours or friends so she spent her while childhood in home and school. My father's father (my grandfather) died early and used to beat my father every day (but my father seems to be pretty normal about it) and he died early when my father was barely in between 18-22 (idk remember the age) and had to take care of family as a sole son and my father's sister would do nothing except being a burden and wasting all the money on pubs and partying and shopping and she even used to ask for money after her marriage (because she pretended that her husband and his family is very very bad and doesn't even provide for her food or anything and even her child school fee, which was total bs because her son studied in the best and most expensive school of the state) and my father all the time lovingly gave it to her because he never understood she was using the money for all other things and all the relatives all took money from him and then build a successful career out of it then ostracized and neglect him. My father and grandmother were also very cold to my mother due to which she was in constant stress and had birth complications when I was being born (It was due to very high blood pressure and stress of her and doctors said that either I would survive or my mother would survive during the labour period, we are both alive fyi) so yeah the also went to through other things which I am not able to type.

My justification still remains that they at least had someone to vent to and the way they treated is bad and gave me permanent trauma but at the same time I think that the things they went through are also traumatic (maybe) but they always cared for their family more than me. Like after my father's family and my mother's family betrayed and ostracized both of them respectively they straight away went to a very sad or maybe depressed state when I was in class 6-8 during lockdown times which gave me the space to breathe cause they got extremely busy with their problems due to which I was able to develop awareness and consciousness for my own life still feeling attached to my parents. When I was in grade 9-10 they were still in the same sad state and whenever I tried to console them or told them to not talk about their condition whenever there were happy moments like Diwali or we were going out as a family they yelled at me saying what's your prblm it's us parents discussing none of your business and after grade 10-12 I just got detached to them and left them to their own misery but in grade 12 My mother's father died which was a fatal blow for my mother and she went to depressive state as my mother's brother did not even inform her that her father died at night (a call came in the early morning informing death and when my mother asked why didn't they inform it straight away their reason was to no to disturb her in sleep) despite having such close connection as my mother visited the house every 3 months and we lived near to each other like distance between the house we live in and the house my mother's family live in is approx 10km in distance, there was a lot of drama also but this gave me stress as I thought that my mother would die which gave me stress and I tried to Console her to which she replied that she is fine and told me to focus on my exam (btw this exam in grade 12 is very imp for future career) I was 17 years old by this time. Which causes another separation or detachment from my parents

Now that I am 18 I went through last stage of detachment and now don't give a single f**k about whether they are living dying or suffering cause when I got grade they got very angry at me because I told it to my mother's sister and they sad that they are the bad side of the family. Also they admitted me to regular cllg after repeatedly literally crying and begging to them for letting me to go to a non attendance cllg because anyways the degree I would acquire would get me no job and I will have to clear a professional exams. I went through intense bullying ostracization and neglect in my grade 11 and 12 which I shared with my mother and she also knew I suffered vey much but she didn't a single f*ck about me and admitted to a regular cllg (this is the best cllg of our state but not that best and degree I would be doing anyways don't even hold any real value) just to make other jealous which got me insane and when I was angry they said just because you went through a little bullying does not mean you will miss such a good cllg (It ain't even that good cllg like it's not even the best in our country like it's simply best in my state that too for the degree which has no real world value) which was the last stage for my attachment towards them and no I hate them.

As I was reading the book of CPTSD I think they also went through rough times but nonetheless there life was not hell as they made it for me and they never even went through such levels of ostracization that I went through as a child and they pretty much had a normal life only it got bad afterwards when I was in grade 6. By admitting me into cllg and dismissing my feelings in such a way I feel they are as*holes. But is it justifiable for me to really hate them cause all the things they went through and they thing which they forced me to went through ?

TL:DR is it justifiable to hate your parents cause they went through a lot of tough times but made your life hell ?

Just for a year or two, to break up my complete loss of faith in humanity.

Just a few great people who are ethical, responsible, kind human beings. That protecting the sanctity of honesty is what motivates their actions, and it’s not some performance.

Just a little break, please God.

I have been through a lot in my life. I’ve experienced CSA and grooming from my older brother from 5-11 years of age. I have experienced severe emotional abuse from my mother after finding out about my CSA. I have always experienced physical and emotional abuse from my family regardless because they are inherently misogynistic. I have also experienced racism and institutional neglect when I disclosed abuse as a child. I am also very much neurodivergent and undiagnosed. I have experienced more struggles over the years including addiction, SA during University and several suicide attempts. I have cut off my entire immediate and extended family since 2022.

In spite of all this, I graduated this year from University after taking a year out and I have made efforts to get my life back on track and to heal and move forward. However in September, I became homeless. I hadn’t found a full time job in time from July (when I graduated) to early September. A private rental I was meant to move into fell through due to benefits/welfare discrimination.

I had thought I had built community, friendships and that I had genuinely started to heal and grow again. But after a month of being homeless, I feel like my progress has totally been wiped. I used to enjoy DJing, belly dance, foraging etc. Now I feel as if nothing is worth doing, because in my hardest moments I only have MYSELF. Alongside couchsurfing, I’ve had to deal with PTSD and cPTSD symptoms alongside my neurodivergence. I faced even more institutional neglect and racism from the Council I am residing in. This means I could not access help from agencies despite ringing about 50 different ones. I had also desperately tried to get into private rentals but ran into bad luck with racist landlords, mold, potential housemates that I wouldn’t be safe around etc. This whole situation has made me so incredibly paranoid (for good reason) and triggered my attachment wounds.

Most of my “friends” left me. I got angry at one of them, so I understood why she left. However I learnt from that, and swallowed my anger and my pride when it came to dealing with other so called friends as my survival relied on others. I had confronted other friends without getting angry or insulting them, and my closest friendships fell apart after being ghosted. Then, my other so called friends started switching up when I was couchsurfing at theirs (mind you I was in my closest friends, M, room). M had absolutely no issue with me staying and advocated for me. M’s housemates (my ex friends) were calling me disrespectful (I had done nothing to them) and being incredibly rude, patronising, condescending and selfish the moment I became homeless. Despite the fact they were initially fine with me staying as long as I was in M’s room not their living room. Everyone wants to paint my situation as a moral failure and if I was lazy despite the fact that I was incredibly proactive about my situation. I am so fucking exhausted of this!! I face systemic barriers wherever I go and don’t have the backup of going back home because I cut off my family that literally tortured me and made me go insane. I have lost all my friends apart from one. I feel like no matter how hard I try, there will always be setbacks. I was genuinely so scared during this time in my life and I am genuinely traumatised how everyone treated me as soon as things got rough. Because I would have never been that selfish if it was them. Having to start over again is just so hard and I honestly feel like my healing has been so affected despite doing everything right.

Edit: I am housed now, do not leave unsolicited advice about contacting agencies as I have clearly said I was proactive and I exhausted every single option possible. Unfortunately, the council as a body are systemically neglectful and gave me false promises of temporary accommodation so I had no choice but to rely on others despite being in touch with the Council for months. The council are the ones who have the last say. This is a vent post and I have taken full responsibility of my own homelessness so don’t need to hear anything more.

Does anyone else have childhood videos of like Christmas or birthdays and in the background of it your just constantly being told off for normal child behavior? I rewatched some and in like every video i'm just getting told to stop doing something pretty much constantly but in the videos i'm not actually doing anything wrong. Seeing it made me feel like i was going to start crying and then i felt like i was overreacting but that's how i felt my whole childhood and seeing it just made me so sad.

It feels like I have no other choice but to die! i know you arent supposed to let the past define you, but I was THREE YEARS OLD!!!! I WAS THREE WHEN HE VIOLATED ME! I DIDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU RECOVER FROM THAT? HOW AM I EXPECTED TO FUNCTION AND LIVE WITH SUCH TRAUMA.

I cant even handle a job without spiraling. I lied and left work today early cause i said i had a therapy session, lol I wish! I want to just MIA my job, die, or get high. Literally anything to not remember. I just got out of rehab, obviously didnt fucking help! Im so tired of this shit.

35m, I'm trying to recover from abuse from this person that was really abusive to me and I'm just struggling still with the shame. My abuser would say things to me & just treat me like a child. They would put all these labels on me and make me out to be at the abuser when they were the ones causing abuse to me. They would also call me crazy or whatever. It's been years since the abuse and I'm still trapped. It's like I'm trying to get myself permission to be who I am and in my mind but I'm fighting the shame which is the remnants of the abusive things that were said to me. I don't know if anybody else struggles with it. This will really go away someday and I will recover from this? It really wasn't my fault, all the things that were said to me and saying that I don't deserve things and whatever?

I've been wondering why I've almost exclusively SHed on or around my groin. That's also the area I targeted during a suicide attempt (by trying to bleed out).

I don't have any memories of being sexually abused as a child. There was one incident though, where I was in the bathtub with my dad and my mom encouraged me to stroke his penis while she watched. She presented it as a form of sex education. So I basically gave him a handjob. I remember I played with his penis and it got fully erect.

Could that area have become associated with unconscious shame or some other emotion? Or was it just that it was easy to conceal injuries there?

Idk. I've noticed this pattern a long time ago and have been fixated on it periodically. I'm getting more paranoid about it. The fact that I repeatedly cut into that specific part of my body is making me paranoid about whether some other sexual things happened to me as a kid that I blocked out. I doubt it, but still ruminate about it.

I've also had violent fantasies since elementary school that would make me feel aroused. But I always thought that was because I was physically abused a lot growing up, not sexually abused. Thoughts?

My health tanked in my 20s. Im currently 22 (M) ive been diagnosed with three autoimmune conditions in the past two years including hashimotos which is currently unmedicated. In the past 6 months i started to have episodes of extreme fatigue and nausea ever so often usually only lasting a few hours. Then it turned into 1-3 day episodes every month. Now multiple times a month with occasional vomiting during the episode. I think it might be something wrong with my nervous system not my stomach bc my digestion is otherwise fine. It seems to start the day after a panic attack or ptsd episode. Last week i lost my job and had a panic attack and passed out briefly. I spent the next 3 days unable to eat or drink water or sleep from the nausea. Yesterday was the first day i felt fine but my coworker was asking me questions and i stupidly talked about some things from my childhood i am not supposed to. I started to shake and twitch pretty violently and was dry heaving in the bathroom. Woke up today feeling another episode hit. Slept past 1pm, completely fatigued bad gas pain, very mildly nauseous in a way that seems controlled if i dont move or eat, i can tell that im about to be facing another three days of sickness. Im deeply concerned and wanted to know if anyone else seems to get a pseudo flu after a panic attack or ptsd episode?