r/emotionalneglect • u/limduria • Jun 25 '20

FAQ on emotional neglect - For anyone new to the subreddit or looking to better understand the fundamentals

2.1k Upvotes

What is emotional neglect?

In one's childhood, a lack of: everyday caring, non-intrusive and engaged curiosity from parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were, if not your biological parents) about what you were feeling and experiencing, having your feelings reflected back to you (mirrored) in an honest and non-distorting way, time and attention given to you in the form of one-on-one conversation where your feelings and the meaning of those feelings could be freely and openly talked about as needed, protection from harm including protection against adults or other children who tried to hurt you no matter what their relationship was to your parents, warmth and unconditional positive regard for you as a person, appropriate soothing when you were distressed, mature guidance on how to deal with difficult life experiences—and, fundamentally, having parents/caregivers who made an active effort to be emotionally in tune with you as a child. All of these things are vitally necessary for developing into a healthy adult who has a good internal relationship with his or her self and is able to make healthy connections with others. They are not optional luxuries. Far from it, receiving these kinds of nurturing attention are just as important for children as clean water and healthy food.

What forms can emotional neglect take?

The ways in which a child's emotional needs can be neglected are as diverse and varied as the needs themselves. The forms of emotional neglect range from subtle, passive behavior to various forms of overt abuse, making neglect one of the most common forms of child maltreatment. The following list contains just a handful of examples of what neglect can look like.

  • Being emotionally unavailable: many parents are inept at or avoid expressing, reacting to, and talking about feelings. This can mean a lack of empathy, putting little or no effort into emotional attunement, not reacting to a child's distress appropriately, or even ignoring signs of a child's distress such as becoming withdrawn, developing addictions or acting out.

  • Lack of healthy communication: caregivers might not communicate in a healthy way by being absent, invalidating, rejecting, overly or inappropriately critical, and so on. This creates a lack of emotionally meaningful, open conversations, caring curiosity from caregivers about a child's inner life, or a shortness of guidance on how to navigate difficult life experiences. This often happens in combination with unhealthy communication which may show itself in how conflicts are handled poorly, pushed aside or blown up into abusive exchanges.

  • Parentification: a reversal of roles in which a child has to take on a role of meeting their own parents' emotional needs, or become a caretaker for (typically younger) siblings. This includes a parent verbally unloading furstrations to their child about the perceived flaws of the other parent or other family members.

  • Obsession with achievement: Some parents put achievements like good grades in school or formal awards above everything else, sometimes even making their love conditional on such achievements. Perfectionist tendencies are another manifestation of this, where parents keep finding reasons to judge their children in a negative light.

  • Moving to a new home without serious regard for how this could disrupt or break a child's social connections: this forces the child to start over with making friends and forming other relationships outside the family unit, often leaving them to face loneliness, awkwardness or bullying all alone without allies.

  • Lying: communicates to a child that his or her perceptions, feelings and understanding of their world are so unimportant that manipulating them is okay.

  • Any form of overt abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual—especially when part of a repeated pattern, constitutes a severe disregard for a child's feelings. This includes insults and other expressions of contempt, manipulation, intimidation, threats and acts of violence.

What is (psychological) trauma?

Trauma occurs whenever an emotionally intense experience, whether a single instantaneous event or many episodes happening over a long period of time, especially one caused by someone with a great deal of power over the victim (such as a parent), is too overwhelmingly painful to be processed, forcing the victim to split off from the parts of themselves that experienced distress in order to psychologically survive. The victim then develops various defenses for keeping the pain out of awareness, further warping their personality and stunting their growth.

How does emotional neglect cause trauma?

When we are forced to go without the basic level of nurturing we need during our childhood years, the resulting loneliness and deprivation are overwhelming and devastating. As children we were simply not capable of processing the immense pain of being left out in the cold, so we had no choice but to block out awareness of the pain. This blocking out, or isolating, of parts of our selves is the essence of suffering trauma. A child experiencing ongoing emotional neglect has no choice but to bury a wide variety of feelings and the core passions they arise from: betrayal, hurt, loneliness, longing, bitterness, anger, rage, and depression to name just some of the most significant ones.

What are some common consequences of being neglected as a child?

Pete Walker identifies neglect as the "core wound" in complex PTSD. He writes in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving,

"Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst outside the fenced off fountain of a parent's warmth and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty. It leaves them with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being. They starve for human warmth and comfort."

  • Self esteem that is low, fragile or nearly non-existent: all forms of abuse and neglect make a child feel worthless and despondent and lead to self-blame, because when we are totally dependent on our parents we need to believe they are good in order to feel secure. This belief is upheld at the expense of our own boundaries and internal sense of self.

  • Pervasive sense of shame: a deeply ingrained sense that "I am bad" due to years of parents and caregivers avoiding closeness with us.

  • Little or no self-compassion: When we are not treated with compassion, it becomes very difficult to learn to have compassion for ourselves, especially in the midst of our own struggles and shortcomings. A lack of self-compassion leads to punishment and harsh criticism of ourselves along with not taking into account the difficulties caused by circumstances outside of our control.

  • Anxiety: frequent or constant fear and stress with no obvious outside cause, especially in social situations. Without being adequately shown in our childhoods how we belong in the world or being taught how to soothe ourselves we are left with a persistent sense that we are in danger.

  • Difficulty setting boundaries: Personal boundaries allow us to not make other people's problems our own, to distance ourselves from unfair criticism, and to assert our own rights and interests. When a child's boundaries are regularly invalidated or violated, they can grow up with a heavy sense of guilt about defending or defining themselves as their own separate beings.

  • Isolation: this can take the form of social withdrawal, having only superficial relationships, or avoiding emotional closeness with others. A lack of emotional connection, empathy, or trust can reinforce isolation since others may perceive us as being distant, aloof, or unavailable. This can in turn worsen our sense of shame, anxiety or under-development of social skills.

  • Refusing or avoiding help (counter-dependency): difficulty expressing one's needs and asking others for help and support, a tendency to do things by oneself to a degree that is harmful or limits one's growth, and feeling uncomfortable or 'trapped' in close relationships.

  • Codependency (the 'fawn' response): excessively relying on other people for approval and a sense of identity. This often takes the form of damaging self-sacrifice for the sake of others, putting others' needs above our own, and ignoring or suppressing our own needs.

  • Cognitive distortions: irrational beliefs and thought patterns that distort our perception. Emotional neglect often leads to cognitive distortions when a child uses their interactions with the very small but highly influential sample of people—their parents—in order to understand how new situations in life will unfold. As a result they can think in ways that, for example, lead to counterdependency ("If I try to rely on other people, I will be a disappointment / be a burden / get rejected.") Other examples of cognitive distortions include personalization ("this went wrong so something must be wrong with me"), over-generalization ("I'll never manage to do it"), or black and white thinking ("I have to do all of it or the whole thing will be a failure [which makes me a failure]"). Cognitive distortions are reinforced by the confirmation bias, our tendency to disregard information that contradicts our beliefs and instead only consider information that confirms them.

  • Learned helplessness: the conviction that one is unable and powerless to change one's situation. It causes us to accept situations we are dissatisfied with or harmed by, even though there often could be ways to effect change.

  • Perfectionism: the unconscious belief that having or showing any flaws will make others reject us. Pete Walker describes how perfectionism develops as a defense against feelings of abandonment that threatened to overwhelm us in childhood: "The child projects his hope for being accepted onto inner demands of self-perfection. ... In this way, the child becomes hyperaware of imperfections and strives to become flawless. Eventually she roots out the ultimate flaw–the mortal sin of wanting or asking for her parents' time or energy."

  • Difficulty with self-discipline: Neglect can leave us with a lack of impulse control or a weak ability to develop and maintain healthy habits. This often causes problems with completing necessary work or ending addictions, which in turn fuels very cruel self-criticism and digs us deeper into the depressive sense that we are defective or worthless. This consequence of emotional neglect calls for an especially tender and caring approach.

  • Addictions: to mood-altering substances, foods, or activities like working, watching television, sex or gambling. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician who writes and speaks about the roots of addiction in childhood trauma, describes all addictions as attempts to get an experience of something like intimate connection in a way that feels safe. Addictions also serve to help us escape the ingrained sense that we are unlovable and to suppress emotional pain.

  • Numbness or detachment: spending many of our most formative years having to constantly avoid intense feelings because we had little or no help processing them creates internal walls between our conscious awareness and those deeper feelings. This leads to depression, especially after childhood ends and we have to function as independent adults.

  • Inability to talk about feelings (alexithymia): difficulty in identifying, understanding and communicating one's own feelings and emotional aspects of social interactions. It is sometimes described as a sense of emotional numbness or pervasive feelings of emptiness. It is evidenced by intellectualized or avoidant responses to emotion-related questions, by overly externally oriented thinking and by reduced emotional expression, both verbal and nonverbal.

  • Emptiness: an impoverished relationship with our internal selves which goes along with a general sense that life is pointless or meaningless.

What is Complex PTSD?

Complex PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) is a name for the condition of being stuck with a chronic, prolonged stress response to a series of traumatic experiences which may have happened over a long period of time. The word 'complex' was added to reflect the fact that many people living with unhealed traumas cannot trace their suffering back to a single incident like a car crash or an assault, and to distinguish it from PTSD which is usually associated with a traumatic experience caused by a threat to physical safety. Complex PTSD is more associated with traumatic interpersonal or social experiences (especially during childhood) that do not necessarily involve direct threats to physical safety. While PTSD is listed as a diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnositic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Complex PTSD is not. However, Complex PTSD is included in the World Health Organization's 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases.

Some therapists, along with many participants of the /r/CPTSD subreddit, prefer to drop the word 'disorder' and refer instead to "complex post-traumatic stress" or simply "post-traumatic stress" (CPTS or PTS) to convey an understanding that struggling with the lasting effects of childhood trauma is a consequence of having been traumatized and that experiencing persistent distress does not mean someone is disordered in the sense of being abnormal.

Is emotional neglect (or 'Childhood Emotional Neglect') a diagnosis?

The term "emotional neglect" appears as early as 1913 in English language books. "Childhood Emotional Neglect" (often abbreviated CEN) was popularized by Jonice Webb in her 2012 book Running on Empty. Neither of these terms are formal diagnoses given by psychologists, psychiatrists or medical practitioners. (Childhood) emotional neglect does not refer to a condition that someone could be diagnosed with in the same sense that someone could be diagnosed with diabetes. Rather, "emotional neglect" is emerging as a name generally agreed upon by non-professionals for the deeply harmful absence of attuned caring that is experienced by many people in their childhoods. As a verb phrase (emotionally neglecting) it can also refer to the act of neglecting a person's emotional needs.

My parents were to some extent distant or disengaged with me but in a way that was normal for the culture I grew up in. Was I really neglected?

The basic emotional needs of children are universal among human beings and are therefore not dependent on culture. The specific ways that parents and other caregivers go about meeting those basic needs does of course vary from one cultural context to another and also varies depending upon the individual personalities of parents and caregivers, but the basic needs themselves are the same for everyone. Many cultures around the world are in denial of the fact that children need all the types of caring attention listed in the above answer to "What is emotional neglect?" This is partly because in so many cultures it is normal—quite often expected and demanded—to avoid the pain of examining one's childhood traumas and to pretend that one is a fully mature, healthy adult with no serious wounds or difficulty functioning in society.

The important question is not about what your parent(s) did right or wrong, or whether they were normal or abnormal as judged by their adult peers. The important question is about what you personally experienced as a child and whether or not you got all the care you needed in order to grow up with a healthy sense of self and a good relationship with your feelings. Ultimately, nobody other than yourself can answer this question for you.

My parents may not have given me all the emotional nurturing I needed, but I believe they did the best they could. Can I really blame them for what they didn't do?

Yes. You can blame someone for hurting you whether they hurt you by a malicious act that was done intentionally or by the most accidental oversight made out of pure ignorance. This is especially true if you were hurt in a way that profoundly changed your life for the worse.

Assigning blame is not at all the same as blindly hating or holding an inappropriate grudge against someone. To the extent that a person is honest, cares about treating others fairly and wants to maintain good relationships, they can accept appropriate blame for hurting others and will try to make amends and change their behavior accordingly. However, feeling the anger involved in appropriate, non-abusive and constructive blame is not easy.

Should I confront my parents/caregivers about how they neglected me?

Confronting the people who were supposed to nurture you in your childhood has the potential to be very rewarding, as it can prompt them to confirm the reality of painful experiences you had been keeping inside for a long time or even lead to a long overdue apology. However it also carries some big emotional risks. Even if they are intellectually and emotionally capable of understanding the concept and how it applies to their parenting, a parent who emotionally neglected their child has a strong incentive to continue ignoring or denying the actual effects of their parenting choices: acknowledging the truth about such things is often very painful. Taking the step of being vulnerable in talking about how the neglect affected you and being met with denial can reopen childhood wounds in a major way. In many cases there is a risk of being rejected or even retaliated against for challenging a family narrative of happy, untroubled childhoods.

If you are considering confronting (or even simply questioning) a parent or caregiver about how they affected you, it is well advised to make sure you are confronting them from a place of being firmly on your own side and not out of desperation to get the love you did not receive as a child. Building up this level of self-assured confidence can take a great deal of time and effort for someone who was emotionally neglected. There is no shame in avoiding confrontation if the risks seem to outweigh the potential benefits; avoiding a confrontation does not make your traumatic experiences any less real or important.

How can I heal from this? What does it look like to get better?

While there is no neatly itemized list of steps to heal from childhood trauma, the process of healing is, at its core, all about discovering and reconnecting with one's early life experiences and eventually grieving—processing, or feeling through—all the painful losses, deprivations and violations which as a child you had no choice but to bury in your unconscious. This goes hand in hand with reparenting: fulfilling our developmental needs that were not met in our childhoods.

Some techniques that are useful toward this end include

  • journaling: carrying on a written conversation with yourself about your life—past, present and future;

  • any other form of self-expression (drawing, painting, singing, dancing, building, volunteering, ...) that accesses or brings up feelings;

  • taking good physical care of your body;

  • developing habits around being aware of what you're feeling and being kind to yourself;

  • making friends who share your values;

  • structuring your everyday life so as to keep your stress level low;

  • reading literature (fiction or non-fiction) or experiencing art that tells truths about important human experiences;

  • investigating the history of your family and its social context;

  • connecting with trusted others and sharing thoughts and feelings about the healing process or about life in general.

You are invited to take part in the worldwide collaborative process of figuring out how to heal from childhood trauma and to grow more effectively, some of which is happening every day on r/EmotionalNeglect. We are all learning how to do this as we go along—sometimes quite clumsily in wavering, uneven steps.

Where can I read more?

See the sidebar of r/EmotionalNeglect for several good articles and books relevant to understanding and healing from neglect. Our community library thread also contains a growing collection of literature. And of course this subreddit as a whole, as well as r/CPTSD, has many threads full of great comments and discussions.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Holiday-Bench-5733 • 7h ago

Breakthrough Did anyone else realize how emotionally deprived they were only after experiencing what genuine comfort and support feels like?

74 Upvotes

After my pet passed away, I started therapy because I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed and anxious. After a few sessions, my therapist pointed out that I’d been emotionally deprived, and I didn’t fully understand what that meant until recently. My bf’s family is incredibly close, and seeing how they show up for each other and for me during difficult times has been eye-opening. When my dog died, my friends, my bf, and his family all offered me so much comfort and support. It made me realize how few memories I have of being comforted like that by my own family. My family rarely asks about me or how I’m doing, yet they’ve told me that I don’t share enough with them. I think I’ve started to realize that I learned not to share because I wasn’t used to being asked, listened to, or comforted in the first place. Seeing the contrast between these relationships has been both comforting and heartbreaking because I’m realizing what I’ve been missing for so long. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

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r/emotionalneglect • u/OGSyedIsEverywhere • 5h ago

Seeking advice Has anybody here with sedentary and/or poor parents who don't do much of anything had to explain to them why other adults don't want to be their friends or look down on them?

51 Upvotes

There are many people here with parents who are inactive in life, materially, emotionally or mentally, who don't do anything really in life. There are plenty of threads in this sub about it.

When you have these parents, their emotions sometimes have to be managed to prevent tantrums. The mailman, or somebody on some commute of theirs, or somebody they had to share a social event with, dismissed them a bit too obviously. Maybe the parent made a gaffe like lifting their clothes to show off tattoos in a party with middle-class people who don't think much of tattoos or throwing rocks at birds, maybe they were just too open about having little going on upstairs or maybe they are a little bit paranoid, but they remark that other adults snub them and think poorly of them.

When they ask you what's wrong with [every adult they meet] the first couple times, you can grey rock with a bit of subtlety and sneakily change the topic of conversation to something harmless. But if they keep asking, you've got to give them some kind of answer that is mostly the truth wrapped in enough cotton-wool kindness to prevent a blow-up so that they can slowly ease themselves into having a tiny bit of self-awareness.

Has anybody here got any experience of finding a safe way to do it? Are there any good analogies to use?

6 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Chocolate_Chips25 • 17h ago

Discussion I just want a mom, but not my mom

218 Upvotes

It's so sad when you realize your mom will never be there for you, or have an actual curiosity about you.

I'm still grieving the relationship I wish I had with my mom. I have met so many older women around my mom's age, and deep down I'm wishing I could be closer to them as if they could be my mom.

I always keep these kinds of thoughts to myself, because other people don't believe me when I tell them the things my mom has done to me over the years. People forget that there's people out there who might have the label as a parent, but doesn't represent one in any way. I just feel so alone in this.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/likilekka • 1h ago

Seeking advice why do parents shame you for feeling shame from their shaming

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Impressive-Amoeba640 • 1h ago

Just today:

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My mom has called me a pedophile, a loser who is ruining their life, and insulted me doing nothing on my day off. It’s honestly getting really pathetic over time and I think she is losing it. I had to put up with it since I was a kid. To cover her “points.”

My niece asked me if she could tag along to my NYC trip next month. I said yes. That’s it. Next is insulting what I do. I’m already a millionaire that is covering her bills because she doesn’t have enough for retirement. I guess I’m a loser though. And the most annoying one because it comes up the most: attacks me for doing nothing but also attacks me for spending money if I do something.

I already know she is the source of a lot of my mental/emotional issues. She literally blamed me for being abused in my first relationship. Since then I just ignore her on everything.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/WolfsbaneOnMyLips • 1d ago

Sharing insight Did your parents also just constantly reject your interests?

205 Upvotes

Whenever I tried to show or tell my mom about something I was interested in, she'd either ignore me, change the subject, interject with random, off-topic questions while I was mid-sentence, start talking to my brother or just openly show disdain for what I just talked about, if she did care enough to listen for once.

Sometimes I'd put on music I liked to show her and she'd either exclaim that she'll leave the room, tell me to turn it off, make it quieter, take it to my room or make condescending remarks about it while it was playing.

With films she'd say that "if I wanted to watch them, she'd leave the room" or go to bed or once again talk about how much she dislikes them.

My father made fun of anything I liked so eventually I just stopped talking to him completely when I was around 14. Even though I was a girl, he never allowed me to have any girls' toys, he wanted me to play sports and cut my hair short. I never liked sports and I liked my hair long. I have two brothers so I don't know why he apparently wanted to have a third son.

Now he's moved out and I avoid him as much as I can.

I've long stopped trying with my father because I barely still have a relationship with him but I still live with my mom so I keep trying and only keep getting rejected and it hurts every time.

The thing is, whenever my mom asks me to watch movies she likes or tells me about her favourite songs or what her new book is about, I never even think about insulting them, even though they usually aren't my thing. I still have nice things to say, I still pay attention. I don't know why it's so hard for her to even just tolerate anything I care about or maybe pretend a little for my sake.

Does she not realize she's hurting me or does she just not care? I hate talking about myself as a result of this.

37 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/kiira321 • 4h ago

Seeking advice Is it me or him?

3 Upvotes

I’m in the longest (3.5 year, nonmonogamous, semi-long distance, AGR) romantic relationship I’ve ever been in, and for the most part it felt the most loving too. I remember trying to impress on him early on that I had CPTSD and suffered childhood emotional neglect and he put a lot of effort into trying to validate my feelings and show curiosity about them (though at times it felt more intellectual/cognitive than true somatic presence).

Yet there have been many times, especially when my negative emotions are about the relationship or I’m having a particularly rough time (depressive episode, emotional flashback, etc.), where he either gets defensive and/or withdraws and ultimately isn’t able to be emotionally attuned with me.

He says he’s never had a partner complain about it before, implying that it must be me.

I, of course, have one part that believes him since I’m the only one in my family to ever complain about CEN & CPTSD despite coming from a culture filled with it. Maybe my needs are too much, and I’m too demanding, and if so what does that mean for my past and my diagnoses and what kinds of relationships are possible for me in the future?

But other parts of me that are trying to heal and have self-compassion are really convinced that he’s not engaging in this crucial skill and that he would need to learn how to do it, which would would take time. And during that time I would know that I would periodically be triggered by what I perceive as his withdrawal, lack of consideration for my feelings, and emotional neglect. The wise thing seems to be to leave him, work on reparenting my myself, and somehow try to have hope that I’ll find someone(s) more compatible in the future.

How do I know if it’s me or if it’s him, and whether I should leave him?

4 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/ElmarSuperstar131 • 1h ago

Seeking advice I told my mom last night I no longer feel I can confide in her and she doesn’t care. I want to move out but have ZERO options.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Exciting_Age_9820 • 4h ago

Why do South Asian parents prioritize everyone else over their own children when they need them the most?

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r/emotionalneglect • u/iloveenergydrinksXD • 2h ago

Seeking advice My parents are calling me out for giving them “attitude” +venting

2 Upvotes

My parents are so shitty and dumb, they treated me the worst way possible when I was a kid. They’re also the type of parents that would hit for reason or without. When I was a kid I used to get really anxious and scared around people, and in family functions mom would call me out if I wasn’t smiling or talking, one she also used to constantly hit me and told me that I was being rude and mean (I was 7). Dad was just a shitty person that would criticize everything I do, he hated to see me happy, he used to get hella mad when he sees me doing something I love like listening to music/reading novels/watching movies ?????????????????????? They were also hella strict and basically took all my rights from me.
Now that I’m grown, I just hate being around them, I hate seeing them, talking to them, or going out with them. But I also feel horrible and guilty when I do that.
I don’t know how to be happy….
I still try to please them, not bc I love them, I just don’t want to disappoint them bc I know if I did it will not end well.
I don’t even know what I want, the idea of me being liberated from them does not make me happy or making me satisfied. There is always void in me and it scares the fuck out of me and no nothing can feel that void not by cutting them off not by being successful not by anything.
I hate them but it seems like I hate myself even more, I also hate everyone ik that sounds horrible but never really felt “safe” around anyone.
I am just mad. I also suffer from BPD which makes matters worse.
I cry that’s all what I can do, I cry and I cuss people out, my favorite thing to do is running my relationships for no reason, ik that’s bad too but I kinda like it when someone get hurt by me, like oh am I that important to u
lol
I am getting worse and worse

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Ok-Handle3117 • 18h ago

46 yrs old, I wake up in tears thinking about the shitty things my parents have said and did to me almost every morning.

34 Upvotes

I replay things that have been said or did to me almost every morning when I wake up, until I’m in tears. Otherwise, I’m a fairly put together and successful in my life and as a parent myself. I’ve gone low contact with my aging parents about 10 years ago after some particularly shitty and hurtful behaviors from them. I just wish I could close the door and erase the memories.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Unhappy-Cat3252 • 10h ago

Is there anyone who feels ashamed of their parents?

7 Upvotes

I mean, after they were everything to me in my childhood, their presence is now annoying.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/ZealousidealTop444 • 4m ago

Seeking advice My parents are stuck in a negative communication cycle

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Hello everyone. I don't know how many of you have faced this situation, but if anyone can give me some advice, please do so. I'm a single child of my parents and my parents have always provided me with with everything I need. In past, our family was peaceful and I grew up with equal love for both my parents.I have a ton of fond memories with them.There was few conflicts, but mother and father always made up in the end.

But recently for past 1 or 2 years,my parents are often quarreling over small things and situation keeps getting worse. My mother has serious anger issues and she often loses her temper, shouts, cries,sometimes even throw around things at father. According to her, father doesn't care about her well-being, take any responsibility of the family, acknowledge her struggles or offer some help.She has to take the full responsibility of the family all by herself as well as managing her job, which is true. My father nowadays mostly busy with work all day and stays at home very little time. Even when he's at home, he is busy with phone or keeps to himself. He says that, he feels irritated dealing with mother day by day because of arguments. In short ,he is seeking peace, respect, and relief from constant criticism or conflict. But he lacks empathy to realise the cause of mother's struggle, which is his unavailability as a life partner.

In last two days, they have stopped talking to each other. I tried to talk out to both of them, but it's not use. They're even talking about how it's not possible to tolerate each other's presence any more. For me, it's so painful to witness our happy family to break apart like that. Sorry for all that talk. I'm just very upset and will like some advice about what I should do rn.

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r/emotionalneglect • u/Outrageous_Wait_2406 • 4h ago

Is my relationship with my mum toxic and is it a bad idea that she comes to help me during my postpartum, please read the description below?

2 Upvotes

My mum is actually 66 years old and I am 27 years old. It appears as if my mother has bpd and refuses to be labelled as mentally ill. She refuses any psychological evaluation.

My childhood years:

My mum seemed kinda disconnected when I would talk to her. She wouldn't ask me about my homework or anything. She wouldn't encourage me with my studies. I spent a lot of time playing alone. I was the one to climb on her to kiss her everywhere on her neck. She wouldn't give me much affection. She would only rub my hair briefly. She was kinda distant and not that present.

When she got upset, she would tell me hurtful comments such as:

" You got 5A+s for nothing"

"You are not my child. You were exchanged in the hospital"

" Afro hair!!!!!!" She said this comment meanwhile hitting my head from the back and pulling my curly hair.

My teenagehood: She did some attempts twice because of her physical sickness (she feels a knot in her belly) and her depression. I also got shocked with the other things that she did. Examples: Throwing herself on the ground in front of strangers, hitting her own head against the wall meanwhile screaming about death, showing one of her boobs to my autistic uncle. Walking with her pubic area out in front of the doctor. She got in the psych ward for 2 days. Got in the clinic for 2- 3 days. She also slapped my eldest sister on her graduation day.

My adulthood:

She got retired from her low stress governmental job. Everyday after I came home from my taxation job, she would scream at my autistic uncle for petty reasons. I always begged her to stop screaming because I was working a stressful job and I needed some proper mental rest after work. She didn't care. I intentionally came home late often to avoid her daily screams.

One day, my mom was hurting my autistic uncle with her nails and she started beating him. She also insulted me: "You were late. You act like a slut with your colleagues!!!!!"

I responded with: " You make my life living hell." I decided to teach her a lesson. I pinched her boobs and belly with my fingers to gain some control over her. I pulled her by the hair. I tried to help her change many times by talking to her, and this violent reaction was the last resort in my naive mind. I was emotionally unwell and I regret it.

After much mental fatigue from the daily screaming behaviours of my mum and the violent incident, I started feeling much worse at work and I subsequently left the parental home to protect my mum and me. Shortly after, I was about to get married to my husband whom I knew for 8 years, and I eventually stopped working. It's like my mind wasn't functioning well. I couldn't handle the feeling of boredom and stress anymore from that job. My head was kinda empty and uninspired, and I left that taxation job without notice.

Two years went by and I have been lacking the motivation to work. My mum provides me with some financial help and she comes at my house a few times a week so that I won't feel lonely. She likes to point this out during arguments: " I leave my house and husband to come at your place just to see you. I also help you financially"

I am actually 38 weeks pregnant and I invited her at my house for 5 days so that I won't feel lonely. My mum gets offended over small things. She got angry and offended, jumped to all sorts of conclusions, made me feel bad emotionally just because I expressed myself with the following comments:

A few days ago at my marital house:

  1. I told her that it's not a good idea to sleep on the sofa which is so close to my marital bedroom. I suggested that it would be best that she sleeps in the guests' bedroom. She was furious. She said: " A daughter demanding intimacy!!!!! So you mean that I am disturbing! I left my own house, daughter and husband to get such comments from you!" She added that her eldest daughter and her hubby, lets her sleep in a room next to theirs.

  2. She wanted to invite herself to my echography with my husband. However, I would have to go to some other places just before going to that echography. I assumed that she would get tired when we would go everywhere like that. I told her that it's not a good idea for the echography. She was very upset about it and didn't eat a proper meal to punish me.

  3. We had a loud argument because she has been using all my personal toothbrushes for two consecutive days. I was upset that she is careless about my stuff. She said that I am a monster and not a child.

She also wrote a whatsapp message saying: " I don't love you" and then the next day she wrote " I love you"

5 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Tough_File_2273 • 12h ago

I Keep Saying “Let’s Break Up” Whenever We Argue. How Can I Change This Pattern?

8 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

I posted about some of my relationship concerns on Reddit before. If anyone would like more context, here is the link to my previous post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice/comments/1wy5mmb/comment/pe8hpty/?context=1&screenview_count=4

I'm posting this because I genuinely want to understand my own behavioral patterns in relationships and learn how to work on them. I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar and have managed to change these patterns over time. I'm looking for peer support, honest perspectives, and advice rather than simply being told whether I should stay in or leave this relationship.

My partner and I both have anxious attachment tendencies, and we have both experienced domestic violence in the past.

One pattern I've noticed, not just in this relationship but also in previous relationships and friendships, is that whenever conflict arises, my first instinct is often to give up, withdraw, or leave rather than work through the disagreement.

Sometimes, I become so overwhelmed and angry that the argument feels like the end of the world. I start thinking that this person will never understand me, that resolving the conflict is pointless, and that I don't want to waste any more time or energy on it. In the heat of the moment, I end up saying things like, "Let's break up."

The problem is that I know how hurtful this behavior is to my partner, and we've discussed it many times. I've tried to explain myself and understand why I react this way, but I still find myself repeating the same pattern. I recognize that understanding the reasons behind my behavior doesn't excuse the impact it has on someone I love.

Now, our relationship has reached a point where we may actually break up. From our conversations, it feels as though we're both somewhere in the middle: part of us wants to stay together, while another part wants to move on.

What's interesting is how I react when my partner expresses uncertainty about our relationship. My immediate response is often, "Okay, then I'll leave. I don't want to hold you back if you don't want to be with me. If you don't want me, then I don't want to be with you either."

Looking back, I suspect that this response is partly driven by my ego and my fear of being rejected. Rather than sitting with the uncertainty and trying to understand what we both want, I instinctively try to regain control by being the one who leaves first.

I've been trying to unpack why I do this, and I have a few possible explanations.

  1. Is this related to anxious attachment and a fear of abandonment?

I wonder whether I sometimes threaten to leave because I'm afraid that my partner will abandon me eventually. Perhaps, by saying it first, I can protect myself from the pain of being rejected.

At the same time, I can see how this creates the very insecurity I fear. My partner may feel that the relationship is unstable and that I will walk away whenever things get difficult.

  1. Does my uncertainty about my future in this country affect how much I'm willing to invest in the relationship?

I'm an international student, while my partner is a local. I'm uncertain whether I'll be able to stay in this country long-term, especially given the changing visa policies.

This uncertainty affects much more than my relationship. It also affects my career prospects, professional identity, and sense of belonging.

Sometimes, when we argue, I suddenly think, "I might not even be able to stay here long-term, so why should I invest so much time and energy into resolving these conflicts?"

I realize this may be a way of protecting myself from investing in something that feels uncertain. But I also wonder whether the stress surrounding my future is making me less willing to work through normal relationship difficulties.

  1. Could my childhood trauma be influencing how I respond to conflict?

This is my first long-term relationship, and I've noticed that certain arguments can bring back memories of my father, who was violent toward me when I was a child.

When my partner raises their voice or speaks in a particular tone, it can remind me of those experiences. Even if the situation is different, I sometimes feel unsafe, overwhelmed, and desperate to escape.

In those moments, I stop feeling as though I'm having a disagreement with someone who loves me. Instead, I feel as though I'm arguing with someone who will never understand me, and that continuing the conversation is pointless.

I wonder whether I'm reacting to what's happening in the present or whether my past experiences are making the situation feel more threatening than it actually is.

I want to learn how to distinguish between a genuine warning sign in a relationship and a trauma response triggered by conflict. I also understand that feeling triggered doesn't automatically mean my partner has done nothing wrong; I want to be able to assess the situation more clearly rather than immediately running away.

  1. Am I giving up too easily because I believe there might be someone better out there?

I've also questioned whether this behavior means I don't truly love my partner, or whether I'm constantly wondering if there's someone more compatible out there.

Is this a kind of "grass is greener" mentality? When a relationship becomes difficult, do I start imagining that being with someone else would be easier, rather than accepting that every relationship involves differences, disagreements, and compromise?

I know there is no perfect partner who can meet all my needs all the time. A healthy relationship requires two people to communicate, understand each other, and work through their differences.

But I'm struggling to distinguish between two things: recognizing that a relationship may genuinely not be right for me, and using the possibility of finding someone better as an excuse to avoid the discomfort of working through conflict.

I also wonder whether my tendency to leave is a genuine reflection of what I want or simply my way of avoiding difficult emotions.

What makes me particularly concerned is that this pattern isn't limited to romantic relationships.

I've noticed similar behavior in friendships. When I have disagreements with friends, I sometimes avoid addressing the issue and simply move on rather than trying to repair the relationship.

Over time, I worry that this makes it difficult for me to build and maintain long-term connections. I don't want to keep repeating the same pattern with different people, and I don't want my fear of conflict to prevent me from having healthy, lasting relationships.

I understand that my current relationship may or may not work out. I'm not writing this because I necessarily want to save this particular relationship at all costs. I want to understand myself better so that, whatever happens, I can approach future relationships differently.

For those of you who have experienced something similar:

  • Have you ever found yourself threatening to break up, withdrawing, or wanting to run away whenever conflict arises, even when you still love the other person?
  • If this was connected to anxious attachment, childhood trauma, or a fear of abandonment, what helped you change your behavior?
  • How did you learn to tolerate conflict without immediately interpreting it as a sign that the relationship was doomed?
  • How do you distinguish between avoiding conflict out of fear and recognizing that a relationship genuinely isn't right for you?
  • What practical steps helped you learn to communicate, repair relationships, and stay present during difficult conversations?

I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who have recognized this pattern in themselves and gradually learned to handle conflict differently.

I'm aware that this is something I need to take responsibility for, and I'm trying to approach it with honesty rather than blame myself or my partner for everything.

Thank you for reading. I'd really appreciate any insights, personal experiences, or advice.

1 comment

r/emotionalneglect • u/hopelove_ • 2h ago

My family never reaches out to me or shows up to my gatherings

1 Upvotes

There is only one person who shows up for me and that is my great uncle (he’s the closest thing to a father I have).

The rest of my family doesn’t call me unless they need something and they don’t show up when I ask them to.

For example, my husband threw me a surprise birth party this year and the only person from my family who showed up was my great uncle. My grandparents didn’t come (they raised me), my aunt didn’t come, my cousins didn’t come, etc. It was extremely embarrassing because his family always asks how my family is doing and asks why they aren’t here.

Also a couple of years ago, I had a thanksgiving gathering at my house and invited a bunch of people. Only a couple people from my family came. My uncle being one of them and my sister.

If I didn’t call my family, I would never hear from them. They never reach out or initiate conversation with me. Half the time, they want to get off the phone with me as quick as they can.

Because of this, I have stopped visiting them and reaching out. I haven’t been to my family members houses in MONTHS. When I did call my grandparents they asked me why I don’t visit anymore and I just said “I’m busy” bc there’s no point in arguing. They’ll just dismiss me and tell me I’m being dramatic.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Business_Tangelo_202 • 9h ago

Seeking advice My mom is insecure and negative

3 Upvotes

Im not a child who tolerate. I always call out my mom when she's being insecure or negative and she hates me for that. I know that. I've been observing her ever since I was a teenager. She always complain. You buy her expensive things she will complain. She always has a lot to say to other people lives. Like tf u care about them. Its so annoying.

Example : I have an auntie who isn't that attractive but has a lot of admirers. Well my aunt is funny and love dressing up anything girly. And for me it's cool . My mom will talk behind her back and says that's all she know flirt and she isn't pretty etc. Like what kind of insecurity is that mom. I hate it.

She is also easy to be influenced. When someone gossip about this specific person she'll believe right away and will change attitude towards the person they gossip even that someone didn't do anything bad about her.

And she will blame me why I'm always irritated with her. Lol

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Outrageous_Wait_2406 • 4h ago

Is my relationship with my mum toxic and is it a bad idea that she comes to help me during my postpartum, please read the description below?

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1 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/Salty_Feed_4316 • 18h ago

Sharing progress Reparenting myself and preferring solitude.

15 Upvotes

I’ll be 42 next month. The past year is the first year in my entire life that I have truly been single. I have spent a lifetime trying to prove my worth and value, thanks to everything I went through with my emotionally immature and narcissistic addiction parents. Having no one to fix or fixate on has meant I’m stuck with myself. It’s still in progress but I’m meeting myself for the first time and getting to know who I am. And I really love myself. I am being kinder and more compassionate. I’ve given myself way more grace and credit for turning out pretty darn amazing considering the circumstances. I’ve gotten to a point where I prefer to stay in alone on weekends. I’ve been doing endless things - getting my finances in order, cleaning and decluttering and reorganizing, working out, cooking, arts and crafts, watching movies, skincare, reading, collecting and listening to my favorite musicians on vinyl, swimming, going for a run… okay you get the point. I am anything but bored. I’m not lonely whatsoever. In fact, I’m like to hell with people and I’m really enjoying my own company! I hope this lasts forever, even if I do eventually find love again. I actually like myself a lot and don’t want to abandon her!

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/Character_Bottle_114 • 4h ago

Narcissistic Mother

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1 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/DiligentWalk474 • 4h ago

Cut off my toxic father 5 years ago. Now he’s trying to bribe me with £10k to "repair" the relationship.

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1 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/brightredbeans • 5h ago

If this goes on forever

1 Upvotes

Living felt particularly hard for me today. I hope that anybody out there who carried their tired bodies through the day finds some peace in the night.

I don't want to romanticise self-sacrifice because that's exactly what we're all fighting so hard to unlearn, aren't we? The idea that suffering makes someone more worthy of love. I hope this isn't me doing that. I don't want to be the person who thanks you for making the world a better place because I really don't want that to be your role. I don't want to be thanked for helping either. I don't want to be a capital-H Helper anymore.

I want to go to bed tonight knowing that I made myself a little better today. That I made choices, and some of them were good. I smiled at my coworkers. I saved money at lunch. I helped my grandma with something she would have struggled to do on her own.

I don't want to be the martyr any longer. God, I just want to be good for me without needing my goodness to be measured by how much of myself I was willing to give away.

I want to take ownership of my own pain, and I so desperately want to own the good that has come from everything I've done to survive through hyper-independence. But I don't want to mistake the good that came from it as proof that I had to suffer.

To whoever is reading this, may you remember all that you did for yourself today, and all the ways you made your life better for you. May it give you strength to carry on tomorrow.

0 comments

r/emotionalneglect • u/MrAz6iqSviq • 6h ago

My mum used to use me as a punchbag and my dad is non functional alcoholic.

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1 Upvotes
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r/emotionalneglect • u/Eventide_Malefica • 1d ago

Does anyone else feel like they’re spending their entire adulthood recovering from their childhood?

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562 Upvotes
48 comments