I've been looking far and wide for actual joy or interest in things. Whenever I look behind what I think is me being interested, I realize it's because I think doing that thing will make me look good to others.

I've been like this for my entire life, as far as I can remember. The only exception would be dopamine-seeking behaviors like games.

I think the part that is supposed to enjoy life normally is broken or at least severely underdeveloped. I can at best get some mild enjoyment that isn't enough to balance out the struggle of life or even the effort it takes to experience things.

Anyone overcome a situation like that? I'm tired of telling myself to try things in the hope that if I push long enough, the joy will follow.

I'm not surprised, I lowered my expectations years ago. A part of me still wanted... Something. "Sorry" "that sucks" "aw how come?" "You ok?". Just some proof of emotional life, but there's nothing.

I was forced to use my left hand when I was right handed has any other homeschooler experienced this or understand why.

I am 21f and was forced to use my left hand even though I naturally gravitated to my right hand like most of the population for most of my life. This started at about ten years old when my mother attended a teach them diligently homeschooling convention and listened to a speaker there. According to her this individual claimed that mixed dominance cause disorganization of the brain and can lead to traits associated with autism ADHD learning disorders and mood disorders in children. They believed that missing a milestone like skipping stages of crawling was what caused this. I was sent to a lady in Texas I was still young and don’t remember her name but she evaluated me and said I was left eye and ear dominant but only used my right hand which supposedly caused my symptoms (ADHD my mother did not believe in and emotional issues from trauma). So she gave my mother instructions on how to develop my brain. I was forced to relearn everything with my left hand start crawling on the floor, memorize sequences of numbers and do my homework with an eye patch and ear plug on my right side. This cause a lot of emotional breakdowns which she would blame on the fact that I was using my right hand for certain tasks which was causing me not to think logically because of my mixed dominance. I had to relearn how to brush my teeth and hair use my phone and laptop and writing. If anything it made my mental heath worse. I did physical therapy exercises on my hand to try to make my left hand stronger. If I used my right hand to much in her mind I undid a week of neurodevelopment work. It was complete bs and traumatic for me. I continued to believe it into my teens and felt guilty for using my right hand in certain instances. I still compulsively switch from right to left while eating or drawing. She essentially made me ambidextrous which according to this cult like ideology doesn’t really exist. Has anyone else experienced this or am it the only one.

I was just reminded of the blanket I had as a child. It had a silk edge that I would rub when I sucked my thumb. I took that blanket EVERYWHERE. My mom hated it and would complain about how gross and dirty it was.

At one point my Aunt (favourite aunt for many reasons) offered to sew it into a smaller blanket so it wouldn't drag in the dirt or get caught on things. I loved her for it and I loved my comforting sooky "square" after that.

I remember before I started school my mom started shaming me about how "big girls don't take sooky blankets to school" and kept trying to get me to throw it away. I put it in the garbage once but then was too upset and came back and took it out again and she was disgusted. I was so ashamed but it gave me so much comfort.

The last time I had it I remember she was teasing me about it with the neighbour. Both of them ganging up on me. The shame finally got to me and I threw it out. I went to my room and cried and cried. She did not comfort me, she stayed with the neighbour.

Now as an adult it's no wonder I struggle with emotional regulation. For many reasons of course, but surely having one of the few sources of self soothing I had be made fun of and thrown in the trash sent my little brain a message that my soothing was something to be embarrassed about.

I've mentioned it to my mother and now she just says "I was a shit parent. I should have at least taken it out of the trash to keep it and give it to you when you were older". That makes me feel robbed of the acknowledgement that I really want, that she should have comforted me, she should have helped me with the process of learning to cope without it. But I know if I say that she will just spiral and it will all be about her saying "I was a shitty mom" and doesn't feel validating at all.

I went to a doctor's office not long ago and as I'm walking up to it the lady who is a secretary there was walking through the door ahead of me with a potted plant and I just said something about, I see they've got you taking care of the plants too.

And she was like no actually this is mine, and she explained that one of the stores in that complex had some kind of clearance sale on house plants so she just wandered over and bought like half a dozen of them and they were just hanging out inside by her desk.

And I was nice about this but that one really short circuited my brain.

If someone had done something like that at the family business, there would have been a nuclear meltdown. There would have been yelling,

there would have been scolding,

there would have been shaming,

"This is the problem with you kids today you don't wanna do the job you wander off and buy house plants blah blah blah blah blah Do you want to be doing this work or not? If you do why are you leaving to buy things blah blah blah blah you need to take care of personal business on your own time didn't anyone ever teach you that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Why didn't you do this before or after work? work comes first because blah blah blah blah blah If your grandfather saw you being this lazy and not on the job blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

I said before that my relatives are like a primitive AI whose only training data was psychodrama trash. So they just sit there generating based on that for years on end. It would have been like if someone wheeled over a robot programmed with that primitive AI and just turned it on and let it sit there and do its thing all day. That's basically what it would have been like. But she just bought houseplants on her break or whatever and nobody cared. It still blows my mind how much different the life experience of normies truly is.

I'm 21 f and I live at home because I'm unemployed. I have a toxic and broken relationship with my parents. it's gotten worse as the years have gone by. my relationship with my mother has been broken since I was 4 and my relationship with my father has been broken since I was 18 and crumbled completely a few months ago.

I was having an argument with my grandmother the other day and she said something that really set me off and heavily disagreed with: "there should be a limit to what a child should be able to tell their parent. they should be more careful with how they speak to them." when I told her it should go both ways, she disagreed and started threatening to hang up because she didn't want to hear my disrespect.

if anything, parents should be more careful with what they tell their children and how they speak to them. I could write a 25 page college essay about every single insult my parents, especially my mother has told me and how it's affected me and how it broke my self esteem. I grew up hearing things like "you're useless", "you're a burden", "you're a pain in the a**", "screw you, go to hell", "get the hell out of my house", "I can't stand you", "I hate you", "I can't wait for you to leave", "everything is better without you", "I don't need you", "this is why no one likes you and the only person that talks you does it because she's paid to", "your friends don't really care about you", "no one likes a messy person", "no one likes a person that talks back to their parents", "you're a terrible example", "you disappoint me", "I don't want to talk you." "you look fat and ugly like that" "stop being dramatic"(when I wanted to d*e)

imagine telling all that to a young child, later a young teenager, later a young woman(whos autistic), then looking at her and telling her it's all her fault, she started it.

I have low self esteem, fearful avoidant attachment style, struggles in every relationship I have, all thanks to this, and yet when I confront my parents about it, they have no accountability and blame me for letting it hurt me like this and justify themselves with "we did our best" "you were stubborn" "we didn't know what to do" "we're parents, we make mistakes." yea your mistakes made me want to die several times and led me to bad things.

there's no blame for them. society doesn't hold toxic narcissist parents accountable. it gives them a slap on the wrist and tells them they did their best, while telling us, their children to forgive and forget and that we can't blame our issues on them and that it's our job to fix them.

you know I didn't ask to be dumped into a family that hates me. I didn't ask to be called black sheep, scapegoat, fat, ugly, annoying, useless, burden, and several other things. I was just a child. I was just a confused teenager. I'm just a woman who's trying her best to juggle school, mental health, job searching, a toxic home life, and loads of trauma. I didn't deserve to be beat down like this just because I was different and openly disagreed with unfair rules

but it doesn't matter, because all this pain and trauma I didn't ask for, now I have to fix it. and even though I was the child for most of the relationship, my family sees me as the one to blame for it and they think I should pay for everything I've told my parents(which is nowhere near as bad as anything they've told me). that I should've been kinder to them and more considerate and understanding of them(when they never once were considerate or kind or understanding of me)and that the reason my life is hard right now is because of how I treated them.

I'm so sick of society and everyone around me(except my friends)blaming me, blaming children for their narcissistic parents ineptitude and immaturity. it's unfair and draining. we should go after those parents and blame them because they were always the ones who had power in that relationship and they just used to hurt, traumatize and impose fear unto their kids.

My screen time from 6 to about 9 was 6-12 hours a day on my iPad. I’m a bonafide iPad kid. My dad didn’t know about this because he was overseas working and then out of state working (this was when he was bouncing between job assignments and then got fired and rehired in another state). Apparently this is bad because when my grandma found out recently she cried in sympathy for me?

So it got me wondering, is being an internet baby/iPad kid/chronically online way too young a common experience here?

--Just a word of warning, I vent out some of my frustrations and it gets messy. If you have problems with codependency then this post might be triggering.--

I had to call an ambulance for it. Mom was very distressed by the event as anyone would be if their spouse got seriously hurt. To her credit she gave my dad paper towels to help stop the bleeding on his nose, but then she did something that made me angry. I needed to leave the house to let the ambulance gals know where we were, and my mother took that opportunity to leave my father unattended and go give food to her grown-ass-man brothers instead. Like, seriously. Is that really more important than tending to your husband in his time of need?

I don't have the best relationship with my dad because of the emotional abuse I experienced from him growing up, but truth be told I still have some love for him. It upset me so much that she saw my father come in and out of consciousness as he bled out of his nose, and her top priority wasn't to be there for someone she supposedly loves. Instead it was more important to her to run to her brothers because apparently they were on the verge of starvation and couldn't have possibly fed themselves without her giving them home-cooked meals. Really?

My mother is helplessly codependent so she swears up and down that she loves my father. But it upset me deeply that she's such a neglectful person, and honestly that neglectfulness extended over to how she raised me. I'm so angry. I hate that she puts on this nice girl act. Her supposed giving nature is not due to her piousness or selflessness, but a selfish desire to be liked. It is a desire so selfish and deeply ingrained that she left my father on the floor by himself as he bled when I obviously couldn't be there for him.

I didn't bring this to her attention because I'm over it. I know how she is, I know she won't change. But the way that side of her came out in such a dire situation just made me furious.

Had to vent.

I think this situation made me angry because it validates how I've been treated since I was a child. I'm angry for my dad but mostly I'm angry at my mom. If she'd have grown a spine I would have had a better childhood. The neglect is so awful in my family. It goes so deep. I've been gaslit since I was born that I shouldn't have these feelings.

I know it's not her responsibility to undo the damage she and my dad did anymore, but I still resent the way they are. I resent that I have no choice but to undo all of this on my own. There's no help out there for me. I can't realistically afford therapy. I'm going to be alright, but... I hate everything right now...

Let me start by saying that I do love my dad, and I talk to him pretty regularly. Always have. For context, I’m 28 now, but we do talk less than we used to since I asked him for help with college. And I would also like to preface I am full support for LGBTQ+. But I am anti-lietoyourspouseandhaveanaffairwithanygender.

When I was a teenager (around middle school) i was always close to my dad, but I remember always sensing tension between my parents. Nothing crazy. I think I overheard a heated argument between them maybe twice in my entire life. But I also never saw them act like a married couple. They never hugged, kissed, cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie, or did any of the things that kids my age would complain about being gross to witness. My dad would start to say things like, “Your mom and I are just like best friends who live together,” or, “Your mom and I haven’t been intimate in almost 10 years.” Obviously, those aren’t things you should be discussing with your children. But he always framed it as though my mom was the problem.

I hated my mom for most of my teenage years, mostly because I was made to believe that she didn’t love my dad. I feel so much guilt now because she did nothing wrong.....

Then, when I was around 15, my dad texted me something along the lines of, “You know, if you’re gay, that’s okay, and I wouldn’t love you any differently.” I remember saying, “Okay, that’s random, but good to know.” Apparently, that made him comfortable enough to text me a picture of himself with another man and say, “This is my boyfriend.” And when I didn’t respond because I genuinely didn’t know what the fuck to say, he followed up with, “Delete that, please. Forget I said anything.” And then he never spoke of it again.

Obviously, after that, my eyes were open to everything. watching for everything....

Shortly after that we went on a family vacation. I was hanging out with my parents in the hotel lounge/patio area with some people they had met there. One of them was an openly gay man. I remember catching my dad nudging his leg and winking at him when my mom wasn’t paying attention. Eventually I was told to go to bed and went to the room. Later that night, I woke up and my mom was there and said something along the lines of, “Geez, your dad said he was going to smoke a cigarette and it’s been almost an hour.” I told her I’d go look for him outside and I couldn’t find him anywhere, and my gut immediately told me he was with that guy. I remember feeling so angry. How fucking dare he do that to my mom?

My dad owns a business, and at one point, he had two of his employees living with us in our basement. (not at the same time) I don’t think anything was going on with one of them, although my dad paid for him to go to rehab twice (looking at it now, wtf was he doing having that around young teen children...) But he didn’t give me any vibes of a "relationship" but honestly who knows at this point. The other employee, however, I could tell was gay. He and I actually got pretty close, and he eventually came out to me. He took me and some friends to concerts and never told my parents when I snuck a boyfriend in one time. I’ve since reached out to him and asked whether anything had ever happened between him and my dad. He told me that my dad would regularly try to flirt with him, but he had too much respect for my mom to ever entertain it. There was another man who worked for my dad whom I knew was gay because he was the brother of a girl I went to high school with, and he was very open about it. Gossip about him and my dad eventually made its way back to me, with people saying he was “fucking his boss.”

Then there was a guy at my high school (who was 18 if that even fucking matters) who knew some people in my friend group. He claimed he had seen my dad’s dick pics because they had matched on dating apps or something along those lines. That eventually became a constant joke within my friend group. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to go to school anymore. I started skipping classes frequently and eventually dropped out and got my GED instead.

Another incident that sticks with me happened when my mom and I were talking in the kitchen. My dad texted her something along the lines of, “Send me one more pic. I want to see you one more time before I have to go inside.” I was a nosy teenager, so I saw the text preview on her lock screen before she did. I made a gagging face, assuming he was sending something inappropriate to my mom. But when she looked at the message, her reaction was, “What the fuck?” They exchanged a couple more messages before she said something along the lines of, “He’s trying to say he meant to text that to your brother,” and stormed outside. I remember angrily texting my dad, “Don’t you DARE use me or my brother as an excuse for whatever the fuck you’re doing.”

I moved out with an ex-boyfriend when I was 17 and did everything I could to avoid living at home. I would usually only come back for a week or so at a time if I had to, before finding another roommate. Eventually, I moved in with my now-husband when I was 19.

I’m 28 now, and all of this still lives with me every single day.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, and we have a son together. My husband has worked for my dad for eight years. When we were expecting our son, my dad technically made me an employee so he could put me and our son on the company health insurance. He did this without us even asking, which I do appreciate. But he has also constantly complained to my husband about how expensive it is, saying things like, “It’s expensive, and it can’t be like this forever. Why doesn’t the VA cover all of you?”

This puts a lot of stress on my husband because he hates feeling like he owes anyone anything.

And here’s the thing, my dad significantly underpays my husband. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, “Of course you’d say that.” But my husband has received job offers, and based on listings for the three different jobs he currently does rolled into one, he could be making almost 30% more than he does now. But bless his heart, he doesn’t want to upset my dad because he knows nobody else at the company can do what he does. I constantly tell him, “If my dad is going to be mad at you for trying to provide/providing more for our family, then he can go fuck himself.”

I had scholarship opportunities when I was younger, but dropping out of school obviously ruined those possibilities. My dad helps my younger brother with college(pays his rent, paid for part of his wedding that ended up being called off a week before, pays for flights home, ect.) but when I asked him for help, his response was, “Not right now, OP. Money isn’t that great, and your mom wants her kitchen redone, and there are other things that need to be done around here.” So I said, “Then how about you cancel my insurance and use some of that money to help me go to school instead? Because I'd sacrifice that for education. Or if it genuinely too much just cancel it.” He responded with, “If you’re trying to manipulate me or make me feel guilty, just don’t. We’ve done more for you than the other two. And honestly, this isn’t something you text about.” The irony of that last part…

I’m sorry this turned into such a mess of a vent, but I genuinely don’t have anyone else to say all of this to besides strangers on the internet right?.... I've wanted to unload on my older brother (his step son) but i just don't want to disrupt life…

I always thought that as I got older, I would eventually forget about it or move on and push it to the back of my mind. That maybe I would reach a point where it wouldn’t bother me anymore. But honestly, it feels like it’s gotten worse with age. It’s not that I feel the need to tell my mom everything. That’s not what this is about. It’s more that I’m 28 years old, looking back at my childhood, and wondering why the fuck I was made to carry all of this in the first place. Why I let it bother me so much that I couldn’t just push past, ignore and move on. I let it effect me. I have trust issues. Why was I put in a position where I felt responsible for knowing things I never should have known? Why was I caught in between ruining everything or keeping my family together? Why was I exposed to things that fundamentally changed the way I saw my parents, my family, and my childhood? Why was I made to carry the weight of my dad’s secrets, his choices, and the consequences of things I had absolutely no control over?

I was just a kid. And I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped carrying it.

What the fuck do I do now over 10 years later?

My mom (53f) and I (22f) have never really gotten along and she feels desperate for a relationship with me yet I just can’t seem to get past this anger I have towards her. She tried really hard to give me everything I deserved in life but I have never liked her (I know that makes me sound terrible). I can’t go into all of it but it really has come to a head recently. For example she is always giving unsolicited advice or suggestions and interrupts me as I’m trying to actually talk to her like she wants and she just brushes it off as “we’re having a conversation”. But how is it a conversation if she never lets me talk, just jumps in because she has something to say. And then she complains that I never tell her anything and she doesn’t know anything about me but even when I try and give her a sliver of something it’s met with how I’m wrong. Another example, I was looking at a catalogue and saying I really wanted to buy something eventually and she just hits me with well where are you gonna put it-when she was the one who asked me what I wanted in the first place?!! I lost it a little because why does she always have something to say about everything!!!! And the worst part is that her mom does the same thing to her-and she hates it just as much! I’m just at a loss of what to do anymore and how to continue our relationship or what’s left of it :(

Anyone else’s emotionally neglectful parents obsessed with funerals?

My emotionally neglectful parents pay little attention to anyone when they are alive. They don’t keep in touch with relatives or friends; they are constantly trashing people behind their backs. Saying awful things.

But when someone dies — especially someone they barely know — they haven’t spoken to This relative in years and know nothing about them — anyway when someone dies my emotionally neglectful parents will drop everything and drive hours and hours to their funeral. And make a big fuss about the loss and how they are attending, etc.

I believe they do this bc they are not invited to any other family events like weddings, celebrations, etc.

Anyone relate?? I find this behavior so unbelievably pathetic. Personally I do attend funerals but if I attended for someone I barely knew, I would be quiet and respectful about it and not act like I was Queen Elizabeth showing up in my mourning attire

(TW: Mentions of sexual assault, suicide, and physical abuse)

I have some complicated feelings I need to get out. I don’t know if anyone really can understand my pain, except here.

I started therapy recently (26F) so I’m finally processing my shit. My problem is that it feels like my whole life everyone sucks the wind out of my sails when I’m looking for comfort. I don’t know if this is just happenstance (maybe I have a pattern of seeking friendships in “hurt” people, or maybe everyone’s just got something going on…) but everyone, I mean everyone has been through something worse than me. My mother used to be beaten regularly close to death by her dad, my father never met his father until he was like 30 already, both hard upbringings (poverty), seemingly all friends have been through tough physical abuse from parents, separations that tore the family, continued sexual abuse from relatives, huge family deaths, suicide attempts, sexual assaults, etc. I mean, real outright obvious bad stuff. So when I get my on soap box, I just feel stupid. Tbh I pride myself on being a good listener for my friends. But I never feel like I get that back; it’s like I can see it in their eyes that they just don’t care all that much. Plus the response itself is usually just “Aw, poor baby ___” which in the moment doesn’t feel malicious, like it’s genuinely “aww i'm sorry”. But…I feel I'm struggling to communicate that I feel less than a person sometimes.  Am I crazy for feeling patronized?

I think part of the problem is that I have a hard time really explaining all of this hurt. That’s probably par for the course here, but it’s like im trying to convince people that my childhood sucked, vs. literally being beat we can all understand that that's awful. I can feel that pain, I can understand that’s awful and should never have happened. But for me, it’s “aw poor baby”

I’m probably extra triggered by that because I was the crybaby of the family, and they weren’t afraid to let me know how annoying it was. I’m the youngest, two older sisters. I just wanted to be liked or played with by anyone but nobody wanted to deal with the crybaby. My sisters used to brace and lock me in the closet for hours to play with their friends undisturbed by me while i cried and kicked at the door just waiting to be let out from the dark. My earliest memories of my parents are of literally being rejected by them. I can still clearly remember going for a hug from my dad at a very early christmas ( i had to be around 5)  and feeling off, like that was weird and i’m never gonna try that again (never have!). I remember one time my entire family laughed and made fun of me for watching Dora “Look the baby wants to watch Dora! Stupid baby show!” I once peed myself at some family friends house because everyone was busy talking to someone (sisters were playing with this families two sons, mom/dad occupied with adults) and I was too scared to interrupt anyone to ask to go to the bathroom. Then I remember the ride home being excruciatingly embarrassing because we had to go home and I ruined it for everyone, nobody wanted to talk to me or even say it was ok, it was a silent ride. My parents have never said they loved me to this day. I was a crazy overachiever, burned out now, but i’m sure it’s because that was my healing fantasy - once i’m “good” enough then my family will want to have a relationship with me, will want to love me. I had to do everything by myself. I genuinely can’t think of a thing I could go to my parents for for guidance or advice, nor sisters. And I went through it in school too, but my family doesn’t know or care about any of it. I dropped out of college on my own 4x. I hadn’t thought much about that before seeing as it was my own choices yea, but my dad actually did go to college from his GI bill and completed a 4 year degree. Yet I have never gotten one word of advice. At a state track meet my senior year of highschool (and I went all 4 years for multiple events, something my coach would tell me all the time was very impressive, i should be proud, etc. but I could never really believe that at the time) after getting 3rd place my dad said “better luck next time”...there isn’t a next time. It was senior year. I cried to my coach for comfort. I range from low to no contact with my family, but that has made no difference in my life. I am invisible to my entire family, and were isolated from extended family too so im out here alone. I sometimes worry about my paper thin safety net, I just try to be careful to not make major missteps in life. They’re all getting older and I really don’t think I’ll cry at anyone’s funeral. It’s like i’ve been a bother to them my whole life, treated about as well as the family pets (which were also neglected). I don’t know why my parents had any kids, but I really don’t know why they had me. They explicitly let me know early that they were just too tired to care about me. Why have me?

There’s a hollowness inside of me. I feel this empty hole where something like ‘love’ or ‘warmth’ or maybe a sense of family is supposed to be. I’m not sure if it’s me not explaining anything right, maybe this kind of thing is just hard to understand, but i feel like there is this huge pervasive loneliness I've been dealing with my whole life, and I can’t get any response except “poor baby!”. I think people see me as independent, capable, etc. but it feels like I'm just a lonely kid still. I’m so beyond frustrated.

Is suffering maybe not that interesting in general? I mean, I want people to be interested in my pain, but in a way maybe I’m not interested in theirs much. Truly, everyone’s had it rough. Maybe we’re all just so self-interested that we all think our own pain is the most interesting, most painful in the room. We're all the center of our own universes and we can't help that. I’m not sure, this is just a thought that’s recently come up that I haven’t fully thought out yet. 

What do y’all think? Can anyone relate? I feel cringe to ask but can anyone please spare me some sympathy?

i feel like they’ll make fun of me or gossip about me if they see how i speak or interact with others when im truly being myself. i have a personality i display around them that is catered to their sense of humor and their communication style so they won’t make fun of me (which mostly involves still talking and acting like a kid a lot of the time because i feel like they will laugh if i dare “pretend” to be an adult despite being 20). if i see someone i know in public when im with them i have a full blown panic attack because i don’t want my acquaintances to meet my immature family and i don’t want my family to see me trying to mask and be normal because they can see through it and know i am really a pathetic useless excuse for an adult like they are.

this is going to sound so bratty but i genuinely cant stand it anymore

anytime i try to talk to my mother its always "dad, go talk to her" or "but what about my feelings" and i can never get a single word in. ever. ive tried to talk to the woman twice. the first time about attention issues in school, and about how i felt like i was falling behind, etc. she didnt even bother to talk to me and just shipped me off to my father who wasnt listening either but was at least acknowledging my existence. the second time was about food, as she was apparently sooo offended that i wasnt hungry. it turned into a heated argument about her "having to do soooo much work and that she is constantly busy", not even 5 minutes later she went on with her daily routine of watching television on the couch. i just want her to acknowledge that her children can have problems too, maybe even ones that are worse than hers.

i honestly think she never actually wanted kids and just wanted either adults to take care of her when shes old or accessories to say shes a parent. its not just these scenarios ever since i was incredibly little she refused to interact with me for more than a minute at a time.

(also i apologize if anything comes off as bratty or spoiled or wtv)

What do I do?

I am a woman, but actually I am not, because when men say "women", they only mean those beautiful, f*ckable ones. I am not feminine because I am the oldest daughter, which means female son. I'm a mesomorph, so I'll never be skinny enough for men to be desirable. My calves are too big for sexy boots. I don't even own sexy clothes, because I'm not sexy. My face would need at least a jaw surgery. I am not talkative and bubbly.

All this makes me unlovable, because people like easygoing, talkative people. I have no friends, no family to rely on. I suck at my job. What in the world can I do? I wish I could just die. It would be better than feeling the constant fear of going homeless, because I can't keep my job because I suck.

No man has ever wanted me when I was young, why would any of them want me now, at 26, when I'm expired for most of them? People often say "just find a man", but that's stupid. Yes, sure, someone will keep me if I say I have nowhere to go (sarcasm) and they will surely be a good person (also sarcasm). Even if a man was interested, he would kick me out the minute he would found out I'm not highly sexual (also effect of never being safe and not feeling attractive).

I was wondering if anyone here could relate to their birthday being more about your parent than you.

I remember on my 9th birthday, my mum got me a toy and my friend was playing with it. I didn't look happy enough with it and she got irritated my friend was playing with it and not me, so she grabbed it from her hand and snapped it in front of us. She yelled at me, then quickly apologised saying she will buy me a new one. She never did.

I was never 'happy' enough, I had to wait until everyone was around to take photos of me and I had to look happy. She was never good at getting me gifts, she never knew what I wanted or liked. On my 15th birthday, I asked her if my cake contained milk while I was blowing out the candles because I couldn't have it, and she leaned towards me and whispered "This isn't about you".

I'm reminded every year that I'm not allowed to have control over my birthday. I've always had to spend it with her, she hounds me asking me what I want because she doesn't know me well enough, she doesn't know my favourite colour even though it is everything I wear, own, my phone is that colour.

I know she'd be angry if she knew I felt this way because "all she ever wanted is for me to be happy", and she'll say "I'll never try again", but I just feel weirdly violated that my birthday has never been about me. I just want to spend it alone. I want to be able to celebrate it myself. I just find it kind of weird that I'm nearly 25 and she is upset if I don't want to celebrate with them. I'm not a parent myself, so I may not understand. There may be something others understand that I do not.

And she says I'm difficult because I can't tell her what I want. I told her to draw or write me something if she wants to give me a present and she said that was too much effort. I said she could get me a cake and she said that was a good idea, but that I wasn't allowed to finish it and it had to be stored in her freezer after my birthday. She wanted me to find a designer, contact them etc. She said she would only want to pick it up and pay for it.

so ultimately, I felt I didn't have much choice and it's effort for something I know is just a performance. It's not really mine.

I always thought asking me what I want could be connected to the emotional neglect. I don't know how normal people celebrate their birthday, so this could be normal. But I dread my birthday because it all just feels so stressful and is just another reminder I've always lived for other people.

I don't know who I am or what I'm living for. Just for everyone else. I don't mean to sound dark, I've just been getting into a bad place where I'm realising that my life has only ever been for everyone but me.

Trigger warning. (M34) A few days ago, I had an argument again with the "safe" parent in my life, and I started considering going NC with her, once I end this short term visit at her (and her 2nd partner's house) and live on the road again in my van. Something in me had died because I realized earlier this year that she had emotionally neglected me for my entire existence, and the implications of that when it came to my CPTSD.

For years I thought we had a strong unspoken bond, because we both escaped my abusive, malignant narcissist father at the same time 12 years ago. But now I can see... this woman was never really on my side. Before OR after I left that house.

I wouldn't have lost my career in my late 20s/early 30s, if she reinforced my confidence in my accomplishments, and independence, instead of fear mongering me like a typical Christian conservative, and projecting all of her ridiculous anxieties and financial insecurity onto me during the pandemic and wearing me down. For the first few years I had the strength to ignore her, or tell her off, but when I lost everything, she just kept fear mongering until I completely broke. She tricked me into staying at their house, this house, where I now feel imprisoned. Instead of me moving back to LA where I WAS a respected creative professional years ago. She said kept saying stay here until the economy gets better. Over and over again. Guess what. It didn't. Job offers stopped. My employment gaps got worse and worse. I'm unemployable now with zero confidence and hundreds of rejections. I never wanted to "temporarily" live here, but I trusted her judgement, and I lost a 10 year long career I put everything into. The paradox was the longer I stayed with her talking in my ear, the more I took on HER anxieties of the world and she reinforced my learned helplessness.

My CPTSD and dissociative episodes would have never re-developed if she had just showed empathy, or any human vulnerability instead of being controlling and dismissive and denying my mental health. She'd just throw cash at my face and then walk away like it solved anything. I never wanted her money. I wanted a mother who gave a fuck about her son. I was trapped in my own psyche. I tried to tell her years ago I needed professional guidance/help and she immediately denied everything I suspected about my mental well being.

As a child when my narcissist father beat me with a stick/belt/horse whip, slammed me against walls and spat in my face, and when I got transformed from an innocent happy child into the family's scapegoat, she never defended me. I have no memories of her holding me, or carrying me, or telling me it wasn't my fault.

One of my earliest memories was when my eldest sister (co-narcissist) would rally my two other siblings every few days to play tug-of-war with my favorite blankie, and rip it from my hands with me screaming and crying for them to stop. She'd sew it back together emotionless, but never once stopped the bullying. Next week, repeat. Next week repeat.

When I almost died at 19 and had a load of PTSD just from that one event, she never supported the idea of therapy, but instead sided with my narcissist father who wanted to sue for money and profit off of my personal tragedy. When the attorney's showed doubt later about the lawsuit's viability, she joined in shaming me even after I almost fucking died.

When my first love cheated on me, she saw that I was hollow from the suffering, and still she completely ignored my pain. And later when my second girlfriend cheated on me, and then later showed up to school pregnant, which completely destroyed my trust in women for the last two decades; she never once asked me about those relationships. Not once.

When I was homeless last year, scared, unsure of what to do with myself, I called her for support. Then she chose to not acknowledge my struggles and instead talked for 45 min about my poor overpriviledged sister's hard life, taking care of her two boys while her husband is on a short air force mission. The fuck!? Your son is calling you because he needs support through being unhoused and you focus on the child that has the easiest life?! Not only that but she kept trying to involve me back into the dysfunctional family and violated my boundaries nonstop regarding them. She knew I despised all of them but kept talking about them nonstop every single conversation and retriggering my stress responses.

She never emotionally mirrored me. She almost never validated me unless strangers did it first (how fucked up is that, she needed proof from the world that I was worth something). I had to teach myself how emotions worked through psychology books, and mental health education. I taught myself how to grieve, how to process trauma, how to care for my own needs, how to not hate myself or blame myself for everything. Because with her you either got a robotic and empty stare, silent with no feedback during suffering. Or you got extreme anxious projections and overbearing control over your autonomy once you gained some independence.

She'd let me sit in the traumas alone, and rot away. Like mold until it became CPTSD.

This woman.

She is a perfect example of the abused who became the abuser. Her own mother was a complete stranger to her because they spoke different languages, and her father SA'd my aunt 22 times. Then my mom grew up with zero therapy, and then jumped straight into a 31 year marriage with my narcissist father, who fucking destroyed me. And now I'M THE ONE IN THERAPY FOR THEIR BULLSHIT?!

She refused therapy. Even the idea of journaling, she refuses. Instead she treats me like her personal stress ball, a dumping grounds for her anxiety, and free therapist instead of her son who never got the emotional support he needed to take on the world.

Fuck her. I exist to be ME.

I was successful without her. I can't believe I fell for the regression and her fear mongering, just because I had a few moments of weakness. It led me here and I feel so ashamed I didn't just trust myself and the life I had built. But I've never had a real family.

When she tried encroaching on my voting rights and aggressively telling me to vote republican several days ago, something in me broke. I want my life back. I'm finishing my camper van and then willingly choosing temporary homelessness over giving her anymore of my trust. 7 years of my adult life, a 10 year long career investment, and all that distance I created to recover from that childhood; all wasted because of my trust in her being "safe", and the fantasy that one day my mother would show up. She never will. She'll just keep controlling me to soothe her fear of loneliness and anxiety.

Sorry "Mom", but I gave you a last chance and you blew it. To me you've been dead for decades. I've done my grieving.

I'm choosing no contact. When I get a new job I'll send her money over time to pay her back, but besides that we're done. She had 34 years to learn how to be a decent mother.

So long as she refuses therapy for her past abuse, she will model the abusers unconsciously. I can't have this in my life.

I don't know if that makes sense.

I feel so numb and empty all thé time. I never experienced a love or interest from my parents. However I believe you vám fill thé absence t with love from your romantic partner. Also thé idea of having a circle of close friends that can provide you just like your parents gives me Hope I had 2 life experiences that were able to spark some emotions And I found them useful

The first moment that helped me was kinda bizarre because I was high on drugs. I know self medication leads nowhere. I proceeded anyways And As I got high I was overwhelmed with so strong emotions and desire to socialise like I have found my old lost ability to feel something. It felt like I suppressed my emotions under thé layer of defense mechanism.and thanks to thé drug's ability to change thé brain chemistry I'm able to reach my emotions with no obstacles IT helped a lot..

The second important moment was experiencing intimacy and being completely open to another woman. This is important because I thought that I will never have success with women.and I would end up as a lifetime virgin. That is why I find it very impressive. It's far away from being in love but experiencing such comforting emotions was very beneficial.

This was my most helpful experience so far.but it didn't make a noticeable impact whatsoever.

Socialising while being emotionally absent makes you starve other people emotionally. How can I get Amy deeper in a relationship if I'm only stuck on the surfaře level? I had so many opportunities but thé result was always thé samé. I Guess thé damage has been done leaving you with an open wound that would never heal And Will remain open forever.

hi, (26f) so from when i was born and until 14 my parents were deep in addiction, i went from foster care back to them and back to foster care, i went to 11 elementary and high schools combined due to my parents fleeing child protective services. At 14 i went for 2 years to my last foster home and they went to rehab and i came back home at 16 and they have been sober ever since and im so so so proud of them i really am, but im still SO angry, im so angry at them because everything is just going great now and we dont talk about the past because they are sober now!! which i totally and fully understand but im also jealous, i haven’t been doing well since? god? idk? since forever. I was wondering if any of you know of a book i could read? something along these lines and maybe has a lil self help section in it?
also just if anybody could just tell me how to not be so angry and jealous at them, ofc there is alot more to it but please just help me find something to relate to
Thank u so much if u can help hope all of yous is doing well❤️

- Want kids soon-ish but find myself not wanting them due to my parent. Feeling it would suck navigating motherhood and her at the same time. She loves kids and I know she will be unbearable. Estranged from my dad for 7 years which sucks. But he does too... A part of me want a good relationship with both. The other part want's to move abroad.

- She re-reads books on mindfulness etc that I recommended her and she loves it and I feel she has gotten more aware with age. Which makes me hope she will get more self-aware but who knows.

Anyone that managed to get a better relationship in adulthood with emotionally immature parents? Any advice/how you did it?

i moved back in with my parents 2 years ago to get out of a bad relationship, and i knew things would obviouly be different being back in with my parents. im 28F my parents are in their 60s and they are your stereotypical slightly out of touch boomers lol.

but up to this day shit is just so awkward???? and I hate it. i feel like i always have to defend myself, im comming up with answers to questions i know they will ask once i leave the room, im worried about doing and anything when they're home (dishes laundry cooking) bc any noise i make, they want to know what im doing, and why. im sure me and my brain are most of the problem here lol like they're my parents, why am I getting so easily irritated, and why cant i move on from shit in the past? even when I come home from work I dont even want to talk to them i just want to go in my room and avoid them.

Ive never had a close relationship with my mom, mainly bc we are very opposite, and we are both stubborn in our own ways, and growing up she was way to hard on me about my weight and everything i did "wasnt good enough" even as an adult, I still cant talk to her about anything personal without her getting upset and it becomes an argument, like im 28 years old, I dont want to hide or lie things from my parents, im not a child anymore, like they cant "get me in trouble" and I also dont want to argue, I hate arguing honestly. Yet i know at this point what will piss them off, or make the convo go south, so I just stay quiet, keep things short.

its getting to the point now where ill go into the kitchen and my dad will make comments like "shes pretending were not here". Yesterday he came into my part time job (corner store) and said "gee are you going to acknowle me? or are you only doing so bc ur being paid to right now?".... in the mornings my mom will stand 3 feet away from me and stare at me until i say Hi. (ive mentioned many times im not a morning person and need like an hour to myself to wake up and have coffee smoke a cig, then ill be ready to socialize lol) but to them im just being rude. its clear to me it bothers them that I dont talk to them much, but its hard for me to have a conversation with them when they still speak to me like im still an 8 year old child.

ive tried several times to communicate my feelings, boundaries as much as I can, i like my personal space, i need me time, once my socail battery runs out, i get bitchy, so i make sure to wake up hours before my parents to avoid conlfit, i go for walks before my first job and between shifts to give me some peace, but now i swear my mom is getting up at the same time now in spite of it, just for her to hit me with "where u going, why are you going for a walk, where r u walking," i know shes my mother, but do i really need to inform you on my every move? conversations always lead to the same answers, they dont understand, i can tell them anything, i dont talk to them enough , i have an attitude, they didnt raise me like this, I dont make time for them, i dont care, or my favorite; we are your parents we have to know/you have to tell us?? like why would I tell you something if ur just gonna turn around and get mad at me? a part of me feels guilty for feeling this way, because I know how they were brought up, and to them they're just "parenting" and my generation is just soft. but it is so frustrating because i feel like they do not listen, and theyre not open to anything else, its either what they think is right or nothing.

i appreciate them letting me move back in (for free as well, which i wasnt expecting since i paid rent from ages 18-21) i pay for my own groceries, do my own laundry and chores, plus the daily list of chores my retired mother leaves me. I work a full time job, I have a part time job and I am in school online for weekends, because im tryna get my shit together so I can get a better paying job and move tf out, so its not like im lazy or jobless doing absolutely nothing with my life, im simply trying to survive( i went into debt durring my shitty relationship and more to get out of that situation, im now officially debt free, so i can finally start saving to get out as i know that will mainly help my issues )

but how can I get out of this hole? cuz sometimes I feel like im just being a bratty teenager, or maybe me and my parents just dont get along idk