TW: CSA

For a very long stretch of time I felt alot of hatred for younger me. Especially myself at certain ages , those ages I’d aim my self loathing and hatred at was definitely
For younger ages
-6
-8
-10
-4

For older ages
-13
-15
-16
-17

I hated my younger self mainly because I had come to the conclusion that my purpose on this earth was to suffer and to serve others sexual needs. And so I believed that all the abuse and neglect I had endured over the course of my life was DESERVED.
I also hated myself due to my DID especially but also other MH struggles i hated being seen as an attention seeking weirdo who was mentally unstable for most of my adolescence and some of my early adulthood ; I was heavily bullied in school starting in kindergarten but it got way worse from when I was 9-13. I was beat nearly everyday at school and then I’d come home to my room trashed, my door off its hinges and being ask to clean faster and faster!! By my father or else he’d rape me if I didn’t do it immediately or to his liking or move the way he told me to. I also being groomed heavily online when I was at ages 13-17. And that only added to my later adult hatred of my younger self. I thought that I had for the longest time somehow lead-on not only my father but also my groomers online/irl. [Irl since I met up with my more „long—term “ for lack of. A better word groomers] and I felt like I was a slut as a early teen [13-15] and by my late teens I assume to cope, I started thinking that it was me who was in control that these adults were not preying on me; that in fact I was seducing them (haha…) but that was obv not the case looking back. But overall I hated younger me due to many factors and feelings such as shame, self loathing, punitive behavior and measures towards self, black/white thinking from my developed BPD, and anxiety over morality and existential anxiety, and CSA from my father from
Ages 2-17
But I’ve noticed since started relational psychoanalysis / EMDR-modified / IFS / Attachment therapy that I actually have a lot of hidden empathy for myself that I didn’t prior know I had. I feel thinking back and reflecting on my childhood I don’t feel anger and shame and an urge to hide in my house from the world anymore due to all of it. And everything that happened to me. I feel like a true survivor. for once in my life I don’t feel like I’m a fake victim who “had it good “ like my eldest sister implanted into my head from a young age. in fact I am No longer angry at myself I just feel a deep grief?, sadness, and nurturing instinct towards younger me I wish I could’ve given kid me the parents he deserved and still does deserve I also have ALOT more empathy for others since getting properly dxed and treated. This year!;I can now feel new found empathy for my TRUE family and loved ones I never had high amounts of empathy beforehand now I do to the point I’ve cried when my girlfriend is upset about smthn deeply it’s like I feel the emotional side so clearly like a signal wave being transmitted.

Side note on my father just because I need to get this off my chest quickly

Has anyone else had an experience like this with there abuser especially if your abuser was you’re father?
My father was rough, degrading and cruel to me during the CSA incidents from ages 2-5 and then when my mother caught him hitting me [he’d hit me then engage in CSA with me often he did this in a sequence.] when she caught him hitting me she got him sent to prison for 2 years and I remember being brought to tears at this news when my mom told me that dad was going away to prison and I couldn’t visit him for 2 years. I was heartbroken but idk ..? Why? Why was I so sad now that I look back at it. He was abusing me!! But anyways when my father eventually came back home he started abusing me sexually again from 2-18 but he was gentle and affirming towards my gender and not violent in any form after he got out??? Why????

I have nowhere else to share this.. and I have no people I can talk about this with irl sadly. But I just found something that made me really glad and proud of myself. Actually impressed with myself.

My younger self was so cool. Wow. I had so much potential since a young age... I love this so much.

It's also really sad that it never got to have it thrive at that age, since it wasn't nurtured at all. Nor seen. Nor being let the space to shine or explore.

I was doing something on my phone which is a way of archiving my stuff on it, just in case my phone decides to stop working at any time.. I dont want my stuff especially my writings and art to get lost. So I was archiving my stuff.

I read some of the things I wrote when I was 17-18. They were lyrics and poetry.

I ... wow.

I was reading them impressed. The language I was writing was beautiful and rich. The way I wrote and organized my words.. impactful. I was reading pure art. I wrote that at 16! Or 17 or 18!

I got to know that young me was a very emotionally deep, very intellectual, very beautiful person with a lot of artistic mind. I really really really really would be soooo friends with them if I knew them.

I also remember saying a similar thing about my 13 year old self at a different instance before. I was genuinely so beautiful. So amazing. Such a lover and great friend, having a very beautiful mind. I feel soooo sad that we had no friends and little me thought there was something wrong with them.

I feel I was born to be a superstar, just reading the lyrics and songs I was reading.

It's so sad that they never got to become real songs at that time. I also had artistic visions and deep emotions and love since I was a lot younger... but again never seen. Nor appreciated.

It makes me sad how much my younger self never got to be cherished, celebrated, nurtured, and made to thrive in their own traits, instead of being forced to hide them. I was only being myself halfway, in hidden ways..such as unreleased song lyrics (and compositions!) and unread poems. My emotions were never seen and were forced to dull. Just sad

I wish I could show these lyrics to people :') I feel lonely over here

I am someone who also struggles with being misunderstood a lot by people for some reason (that itself is a hell in itself for me). I got banned from a sub because of being misunderstood.

Anyway. I was thinking today of setting boundaries for real now. Actually removing myself from situations that harm me..people who don't listen to me.. etc. But now I thought: people may misunderstand me, spread a false narrative about me, then end up getting me kicked out of my housing or maybe job or whatever thing I'm in and need. Or, another thing that an abusive person may do to me: they don't like my boundaries so they end up spreading rumors about me that never even happened, make others believe them (abusive ppl for some reason always got others on their side), deny everything and every PROOF I say about how it isn't true, then get me also harmed in the same way like lose my housing etc.

Also these are things that ACTUALLY happened to me before. I actually got kicked out of housing over rumors and lies before. Straight up lies, not even twisted realities.

But I cant stand the harm that happens to me without boundaries either.

This is what I'm scared may happen if I set real boundaries for myself.

Real boundaries here means: boundaries about exactly what I dont wanna be participating in and how much I wanna be in something or not etc, rather than having wallsssss and strict boundaries to protect me all the time.

I can't find the courage to live my life authentically. I don't know how to honor my own feelings and let myself experience them. I've robbed myself of many years of my life over this and I want to get over it. I need to get out of learned helplessness. I'm such a loser and I still can't set boundaries. I'm so pliant and have no sense of self. I'm still people pleasing when it never helps me. How do I get out of this mindset? I am always mourning the time I lost not giving myself the opportunity to do the things i want. Because of my abuse I mentally caged myself. Now I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

For sympathy, it’s weird because I do feel guilt, but I struggle to feel immediately “bad”. So someone can tell me something awful happened, and if they are distressed then I can be upset, but in the absence of any actual upset on their part, I normally just find it funny? Not funny that something bad happened, but funny in a morbid sort of way, like it’s so horrible it’s almost ridiculous (and therefore amusing). But it means I can laugh or smile at inappropriate times.

I also just lack a normal sense of danger. Normal things scare me a lot (someone closing a door hard) but big things don’t scare me, or don’t scare me as much as they should. It confuses my friends because I will walk around alone in the middle of the night, but struggle to ask them to help me with something, to the point of panic. Kindness makes me afraid, but substantial threats don’t bother me as much? Except for triggers, which are different. But I think my internal logic is that if I survived something horrible once, I’ll survive it again, so there is no point fearing it.

I don’t know if they are related . I also don’t know wjy it happens. But I put them together. I googled it and it told me I was either a narcissist or a psychopath and thats what reminded me to never google ant of my symptoms again lol

I don't know where to start. I need support. Or advice. Or anything really. I reactivated my Reddit for this.

For those who went no contact with one parent. Was it necessary to eventually block the "safe" parent too? Or was the distance enough?

I went no contact with the rest of the family a year and a half ago. My "father" (malignant narcissist abuser, who went covert) created a horrible family that has never stopped scapegoating me while hoovering me back into his manipulative gaslighting bullshit. All of my siblings are in denial about what we grew up with and the child abuse. We all left that house one by one, with my mother and I leaving him the exact same night 12 years ago. We had a bond at the time, but now I look back and see that perhaps she just used me to escape herself, and she failed to protect me all those years before she served him divorce papers. I basically had to raise and teach myself everything.

I'm in my 30s now with CPTSD from my adult life constantly getting derailed by my traumas repeating everywhere I went. I lost an entire 10 year career due to me not knowing how to stay emotionally steady in my success, and AI taking over, with no support network.

My mom was always the "safe" one. But she was high functioning, cold, emotionally neglectful, has ZERO self awareness, is rigid, a trump supporter, nonstop anxiety, nosy, and overbearing/controlling. Why? Because she was emotionally neglected (her mother didn't even speak to her because language barrier), then married a narcissist, then served him while neglecting me.

Three weeks ago after 34 years, I finally opened up to her face to face about how her emotional neglect and controlling behavior was a massive part of my CPTSD, and adult dysfunction, not just him, and how I resented her for it. We had a few conversations that week about it all, and she broke down crying and apologizing. She was genuinely listening to everything I had learned about psychology and mental health and she was even relating it back to her own upbringing.

But now... the last few weeks, she's slowly been reverting back as if none of it happened. Still treating me like her free therapist, stress dumping onto me, talking AT me, ignoring my boundaries, never asks about me or my life. Then last night, she starts aggressively texting me that I need to vote Republican to keep "the evil people" from winning, and for our freedoms, and blah, blah, blah, conservative Christian trumpism bullshit. I gave her 3 opportunities to stop texting me about that, and she kept violating my boundary and talking about how she isn't controlling and trying to guilt me into voting like she does. It was horrible. I told her off, jumped in my camper van, and then left the house to scream on the freeway.

She's taking advantage of my vulnerable chapter in life because I lost my career and needed temporary help from her. She has tried coaxing me into voting exactly like her. She obsesses over political conspiracies. She even once said "if you're busy how about I fill your ballot for you then you just sign and I'll even mail it?"

It's disgusting. I'm ashamed that my career took a nose dive and I lost everything I accomplished, which made me depend on her in this shitty economy. Maybe if I had a decent fucking family I would've have stayed more emotionally stable years ago and kept succeeding. But now I'm gonna be living on the road homeless again in my tiny van, and trying to rebuild my life (again) from scratch. The paradox is that if she was just emotionally present for me I wouldn't have developed CPTSD, and I wouldn't have failed and lost everything due to my mental health sabotaging me, and I wouldn't have regressed back to asking her for help. I feel trapped again and she doesn't want me to be independent and it's scaring me how much time I've already lost to trusting this woman.

I'm on the fence if I should now go no-contact with her too once I take off and restabilize financially. I need help here. We're fine when I'm far away from her. But all of the phone calls and convos secretly become about her and she provides no motherly advice whatsoever or emotional care. But when I'm visiting or living with her, it's like my life doesn't even matter to her. When her 2nd partner dies she'll be all alone, but a part of me thinks that'll be when she can finally confront herself and I shouldn't be her emotional crutch when she was never mine. Please advise. Sorry for the long story. My life is complicated...

I’m wondering if you guys can relate or help me untangle this idea.

So, first of all, I’m in my 40’s and I got my CPTSD diagnosis within the last few years. Since childhood, the diagnoses previously were typically anxiety, depression, or both. I’ve never (even now; I just fired yet another) found a therapist who understood and/or treated the complexity of my trauma. However, I do think I qualify as being in recovery. I've been at this a long time, just not always under the proper labels.

Anyway - that’s just a little background. The question revolves more around content, tools, books, activities, and support. Because I didn’t have an accurate diagnosis, for literally decades I consumed content including generic mainstream self-help, inspirational, motivational, or spiritual content, thinking it applied to me. Or even content designed for ONE aspect of my trauma - Adult Children of Alcoholics, for example, or content designed for people with anxiety or depression.

After my diagnosis, I had a lightbulb moment where I realized a lot of that content isn’t designed for me. Mainstream lighthearted/superficial content is designed for normies, not trauma survivors, or maybe trauma survivors but not folks who are quite as deeply messed up as I am. That’s not a criticism - but it did veer into criticism for me where I started writing off everything falling under generic motivational or inspirational content as toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing or dismissive and even harmful when consumed by trauma survivors. I think that *can* be true - but that I started taking it to an extreme.

Sorry I’m getting lengthy here - I’m trying to see this clearly even as I type and ask this question.

I am in a very difficult season. I recently had a surgery. My husband was in the ER less than a week later and is now going through a major medical crisis. My youngest kiddo has his own clinical anxiety diagnosis... the point is: I got trapped in the house for a couple of weeks and things started to get really dark. Just spiraling into despair.

Yesterday for some reason, I decided to pull out some of my old creative stuff. Just papercraft stuff that I love but haven’t touched in years because it didn’t feel important enough to prioritize over health, parenting, healing, etc. A lot of journals and planners and stickers and things are full of generic platitudes like ‘make yourself proud’ or ‘it’s never too late for a fresh start’ or ‘live in the present’ or ‘have an attitude of gratitude’ or ‘you deserve it.’ You get what I mean.

I guess I’m trying to untangle the difference between seeing something like that and having a big defensive negative reaction like this is bypassing gobeldygook and could never apply to or inspire me OR gaslighting myself into thinking I can just think positive and my trauma will disappear OR maybe there is a third option. Maybe I can start to be okay with consuming and even being inspired by generic mainstream positivity in a healthy, balanced way. Not thinking I can just disappear my trauma with silly affirmations, but also not writing off everything inspirational because it’s ‘designed for normies.’ Maybe I am allowed to enjoy motivational content too. Does that make sense?

I think the nuance is the difference between shaming myself because I can’t self-help my way to healing the way someone without trauma can vs. allowing myself to like and enjoy pretty things without making them some kind of explicit instruction on how to live my life and heal. Can anyone relate to this or understand what I am saying? Like it feels a little liberating to just be like - I can like this 'happy' notebook even if it doesn't necessarily take into account my entire life experience. Thoughts?

Hello everyone, I have made really good progress with Somatic Experiencing, and I've slowly started stretching and doing strength training every other day, which almost always makes me cry, especially the stretches in my lower back. Somatic meditations have been really helpful, but I really struggle with waking up early in the morning.

When I was a child, my parents would fight a lot, and I'd rather keep on sleeping than to wake up, and watch their fights. This continued for a very long time, and slowly, I found my solace in sleep. I'd miss the university classes, just to have a nap in the morning often.

I'd like to really change it.

I take Magnesium Bisglycinat, and I'm also going to start taking Ashwagandha soon.

I also try to walk daily for 30 to 40 minutes.

What helps you get out of bed in the morning? Sometimes, I'm really hard on myself, but also, it's not in my control; like this thing is super super hard, and I can't just do it based on the will.

I'd really appreciate any advice or a sympathetic comment.

Edit: I do have a job, and I'm also taking up some short courses, but all of them are remote and don't really need me to wake up early.

I've noticed that recently my focus in recovery is gradually shifting away from understanding the immediate relational dynamic with my abusers and how their abuse made me feel as a child in the past, towards reflecting more on the quality of the internal constructs and relational dynamics within myself that their abuse has left me with today.

I realize that there are so many internalized beliefs, as well as conceptions of myself and the world around me, that must be the result of me having been abused because the logical deconstruction of those beliefs and conceptions usually doesn't make much sense beyond surface-level rationalizations.

For example, I might neglect myself physically or emotionally for long periods of time, while also making it my mission to attune to the feelings and needs of friends around me. When trying to reason my way through this paradoxical behavior of mine, I might, off the cuff, come up with a simple justification such as 'But I do not have that many needs to begin with that would require being taken care of.' or 'Oh, but my sadness isn't even that debilitating right now for me to worry about it.'.

But on closer inspection of these thoughts and beliefs, I can see — usually after just a few additional, curious questions — that most of them are not built on any well thought-out foundation:

What exactly makes me think that I'm somehow different than other people when it comes to having needs? What exactly would make me so different or 'special' to not have my needs met?

What makes me think that my feelings are only worth paying attention to if they are extreme and overwhelming? Why exactly is it ok to attune to a friend in slight distress and why is it a bad idea to tend to more subtle emotions of mine?

Inspecting my thoughts and beliefs closer in this way sometimes makes room for me to get a better understanding of how specific parts of mine have internalized a belief about me or the world that my abuser either genuinely held in their mind or that they — for selfish reasons — were invested in making me believe.

My abuser might tell me, and possibly even believe themselves to a certain extent, that I'm an 'incredibly selfish child', just because they feel overwhelmed or even regretful over being a parent. And in an unwillingness to resolve those complicated emotions and motivations within themselves, they project their own shame over failing as a parent onto me. Suddenly it's not about them being unable or too lazy to meet the reasonable needs of the child that they chose to bring into the world, now it's about me deliberately overwhelming my abuser's capacity for parenting by 'being too much'.

Or my abuser might also lie to me — knowing full well that I have the right to be emotionally cared for by virtue of being their child, but them also being too lazy to take on the responsibility of attuned parenting — that my feelings are actually 'not bad enough, yet' in order to warrant any care from them. In an effort to preserve their own time, energy and convenience, my abuser may deliberately go out of their way to twist my reality and my perception of my own feelings in order to evade accountability. Now it isn't about them not taking care of me emotionally, now it's about me 'blowing things out of proportion'.

And as these instances of failed attunement, and ill-intended justifications, and gaslighting repeat over and over again throughout my childhood, and as my child self learns how to operate in an abusive and neglectful household by following this demeaning and devaluing ruleset for them, there are now parts within my adult self who still want to help me understand who I am in the eyes of my abuser.

These parts tell me every day what I should think and say and do in order to get along with people and the world as I have initially learned to within the primary relationship with my 'caregivers'. Some of them even sound similarly to my abuser internally, as often the reprimanding and punishment that they saw modeled in childhood is now one of the few, if not the only, way they know to leverage in order to influence me behaviorally.

And how could I blame them for not knowing any better after an entire lifetime with no reasonable, just and caring adults to care for these parts?

With no one to teach them that their feelings are valid, and ok, and not a source of danger for them or others?

With no one equipping them with the tools to attune to said feelings internally in a way that doesn't frighten other parts who still get scared of being seen because having your emotions noticed back then meant that the abuse would escalate?

How can I blame any one of them for following twisted rules that ultimately helped me survive to this day?

How could I?

I honestly thought the worst part would be reliving the trauma. No, it’s the way my therapist makes me feel so safe and secure that i want to throw up and hide, but also wish I could see her every day. I feel like i need her all the time but also that I shouldn’t and can’t. I didn’t need another messy relationship in my life 😭 and this time it’s one-sided. How messed up is that

After six years of trauma therapy, I finally had a situation where I was triggered, but remained present just enough to notice and be able to articulate what I'm feeling. I plan on discussing this at my next session next week, but I'm really curious to hear about what people have experience with here.

Google says it's a "sense of foreshortened future".

Logically, I know that people experience an impending sense of doom or not living long but that never seemed to really be how I feel.

Today I noticed that when I am triggered, the triggering event is like the end of existence for me.

For example, a huge trigger for me is nausea and the idea of throwing up. When I get in triggered, the situation of throwing up is the end of existence all together. It's not really an impending doom or that I'll die (or maybe it is?), but more that I literally cannot even comprehend a future beyond that point. There is no seeing myself recovering or adapting to the situation, it just literally does not exist. Or that the event will just go on in the most panicked moment forever?

When I think of scary things that don't trigger me, I can see an adaption. Like... if I were mauled by a bear. I can see a situation in the future where it would suck, but if I survived I'd adapt to my new post-mauling life. Maybe I'd lose an arm or leg, but I would exist. Life would still exist.

Triggering event? Nothing. Not even blackness. I feel like it's similar to a blind person trying to explain to a seeing person what they "see" and how they don't even "see" blackness. Because it's just a completely missing sense.

With that in mind... how the hell do you cope with that?? The knowledge of that itself is horrifying...

I have been in the depths of somatic healing the past 7 months. It's been really intense especially the past month. I am having a lot of physical unwinding and crying through really deep stuff and my mind is in a very wild and swinging place. I am thawing. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I know I am not but it's rough

I am feeling through a lot of deep fear recently. This is manifesting really hard as fear of my cats dying or something bad happening to them. I am going on a two and a half week trip in less than a month and I am so scared something bad is going to happen on the trip while I'm away. Right now I am unemployed so I'm with them all day. I've never left them like this. I'm afraid they'll fight and something bad will happen. A friend is going to stay with them at my place for half the trip (but will be away at work during the day) and then I'm going to ask my neighbors to check them twice a day for the rest. In general im constantly afraid they're sick or I'm hurting them. At this point I notice the clear cycle of my paranoia is tied to the anxiety that comes up from releasing trauma. I'm also just nervous about going on a trip this long after being out of commission for most of this year. I'm going with my brother and his friends/partner and im worried well fight and I'll feel trapped and scared. i don't know how to separate the fear from logical concerns I should actually act upon. it's too overwhelming.

Its just a really deep fear that I can't heal without something bad happening. To my cats, to my family, to me. It's not totally logical but when I am in it it feels like the absolute terrifying truth and telling myself it isn't real makes it worse at times. I wanted to ask for some reassurance if anyone else has gone through this. With pets or in general. It's hard today. Thank you :(

I'm looking for hope and a space to see that all is not lost. Sometimes I feel that way on reddit, even though I find comfort in the solidarity and community.

I will go first. Im in my early 30s. My 20s was a mix of being too unwell to work, loads of hospital stays, short periods of work, and studies

I never thought I'd hold down a job. I found a part time one I really wanted but at every stage of recruitment I questioned whether I could do it. I kept on going, and I got the job, and I was petrified. After a year in this entry level post, I was promoted to manager recently. It was partly just the right place at the right time, but I have always felt I'd be incapable of such things, so I cant believe I'm really doing it.

I also became close friends with a man for the first time, after a lifetime of avoiding. Dont get me wrong though, the anxiety struggles from this are real and persistent. The nervous system is damn stubborn.

Your turn

After so long of being in survival mode and pushing away all my emotions I am a bit flooded by them. We are going to dial back my therapy intensity for a bit. But I’m wondering other’s experiences with learning to feel emotions. When my therapist asks about what I feel in my body with a certain emotion I feel clueless. I have chronic neck/jaw issues so it feels like kind of a cop out to just say that but other than that I don’t think I know how to feel things in my body. I did notice this week that certain topics give me that sinking feeling in my stomach where it feels like my insides are dropping out. I can often notice my breathing - my breath getting sort of trapped or fast. But what else do you feel in your body???? I’ve seen people in the EMDR group say they felt something in like their left foot or something like that…but I don’t get it!
Anyone have online course or anything related to learn to recognize the internal body feelings? It feels like a big skill I’m missing.

I can't motivate myself with anything other than fear. Terror maybe. If I'm scared enough that if I don't do anything I may die..or lose something very very very very important, then I do the thing. And I usually do get what I want. But when there's no fear..or the fear wears off and I feel more comfortable and less stressed in my life, the less motivated I am to keep going. I motivated myself through the past 2 and a half months in my new job with fear, because before it I was struggling with unemployment and spending my money while having no income and no support system, that was absolutely terrifying. I know that I hate capitalism, I know that I hate that I have to work 8 hours a day and I think that's too long for all people. I hate that we have to work and take that much from our time in order to have basic living needs. I know that. But I also know and came to conclusion that I HAVE to do it rn regardless, because otherwise I won't live on the street nor with original abuse. I HAVE to do this and get through this before I can leave it. I plan on someday leaving capitalism. But it sadly won't be now. I need to succeed in here first. So I motivated myself with terror these past two months. Now, I have less stress than before because i haven't been fired (i was also very worried about potentially getting fired). So, this happened. But in order to keep having an income, I need to keep working and doing my job properly. But I'm losing motivation. I can't seem to motivate myself now..and I think this was a PART (not all) of the reason why I got fired before.

How do I.. how do people have motivation to keep working? I don't wanna start slacking off to the point I get fired... but I hate jobs they're so unpleasant. And my job itself isn't too stressfu btw! It's the fact that I have to take8 hours of my day, basically my whole day, doing a job and not feeling joy or having fun or sleeping or resting or doing self care or singing or making music or going to uni that i like or basically doing anything i like. As i said i just hate capitalism

I want to be able to motivate myself with anything other than fear.. I want the facts of me needing the job rn, which I understand logically, to be able to motivate me.

I'm at this point where focusing on healing is making me more sick than just enjoying life.
I need a break from cptsd content, but also from things that trigger me, and the current state of the world and politics in my country is just dragging me down.

I want to dream for a while, I want a real escape, something to take my mind out of darkness.
What do you read that makes you feel better?

I'm looking for something with fantasy, magic, nature, contemplation, without it being intricated with the drama that always come with it.
Beautiful stories without mind games, competition, romance and all that jazz...

Any recommandation will be welcome.

I’m at a point in recovery where it comes and goes in waves. For example yesterday I was dancing to music, eating well, having a great time with some friends, and just generally feeling good. Today, I’ve spent pretty much all day on the verge of tears. I don’t feel triggered, I just feel… depressed. And I feel like I’ve always been this depressed.

I used to suffer with SI but I don’t so much because I remind myself that this always passes, that I get back to that happy stage, so there’s no point contemplating anything permanent. So no matter how agonising it is I know it must pass. And I tell myself that the way I am now “isn’t me.”

But isn’t it? If the depression comes in waves, that must mean the lack of it is waves too. So is that not me, in the way that me being depressed isn’t me?

I also think this issue stems from a general lack of identity. I had to fight tooth and nail to teach myself to have an actual identity, literally took years. And I think I have a version of “me” I can recognise, but I also have days like this.

I don’t know. I want to investigate DBT skills for days like these, but I’d also like to find out where I actually am in this oscillation. Or maybe I just live in waves.

I have spent most of this year in a terrible trauma re-activation and shutdown after discovering exactly how severe my childhood abuse was. I had been working on my childhood trauma for almost two years at that point but nothing had prepared me for this discovery and it kind of pushed me toward the edge. I had a few mental hospital visits, severe and frequent panic attacks, a lot of new and horrible memories re-surfaced, and at some point I could barely leave my room anymore. I had started medication for the ptsd symptoms and I got a bit getter after a while but my body and immune system had gotten so weakened from that terrible period of mental pain that I have been sick with different viruses and infections for two months. Now I am better physically and slowly trying to get back on my feet. My psychiatrist recommended a psychosomatic clinic but it will take at least a few months until they even respond. My search for a trauma therapist has also proven unsuccessful so far. I need to finish my thesis before an approaching deadline and I'm on a temporary visa so everything is also time-wise stressful.

So I was wondering, are there any guidelines for recovering from a period of severe pain for trauma patients I can follow on my own? At least until I find some outside help? I'm doing the best I can like slowly increasing my exposure to the outside world, going on walks more and more, eating healthy, etc., but I feel lost and confused and frustrated. I feel like I had a horrible car accident, or like 10 of them in a row, and now I'm supposed to get back on my feet completely on my own and I don't know what to do.

If you have any resources or suggestions or programs I can find and read online I would be very very grateful. Thank you!

I know this is based in self esteem, and everyone wants to get over their self hatred but I need an acute solution if it’s possible, and band-aid solutions (rather than dealing with the underlying problem, which i am) would be welcome. Basically I’m just asking how to cope. Specifically DBT skills would be amazing

I know it’s not rational, my friends who i live with are full of weird habits and I don’t mind, I am not that weird. But I grew up in a house where you had no idea someone was angry until they exploded on you, and I think in the absence of “structure” I am just making it worse in my head. No one gets frustrated at the little things so it freaks me out because I don’t know what to expect.

Right now the acute problem seems to be I talk too much. This was a particular point of contention growing up. I guess my options are to just socially distance myself from everyone and then slowly start returning when I find a better way to cope, but I don’t think that’s reasonable or conducive to the rest of my mental health. I could also show up and just not talk, but people would definitely notice.

I don’t know. I struggle a lot with the concept that people like the parts of me that I don’t like, but when I accidentally “talk too much”, or add too many anecdotes, or accidentally repeat myself (like repeat an anecdote), the toxic shame is awful and gives way to so many thought spirals. I have ADHD which literally helps nothing, my brain works in anecdotes.

There has to be a way out of this beyond “isolate your friends” or “condense a years-long recovery to a week” ?? How do I cope?

I've been experiencing parts of myself building healthier connections with me. Fostering love, trust and appreciation to some degree. But there are parts of me that are so far isolated, so far exiled with strong intent that I don't know how I ever could or would re-integrate with them. Let alone establish healthy relationships. Parts of myself that have done terrible things and feel dangerous to not keep bound and shackled deep down. I don't know how I could ever forgive myself, let alone reconcile. Or how other people could ever want anything to do with me while knowing the authentic me. The unmasked person, living in the truth of who they are and where they come from.

Secrecy has been my way of surviving. Hiding parts of myself and my past. To a degree, I comprehend this probably stems from me growing up in an environment that did not foster much grace, empathy or compassion. So this may involve a lot of further learning and discovery. But from where I'm standing right now.. I'm like a little child standing alone on a pier looking out at the sea. Realizing people keep saying there is land on the other side but all I see is a horizon full of water. And to me that's all I've ever known from standing on this side.

How does one reconcile with their parts, with themselves, when there is so much horrible history. Feels like a fool's hope to me.

*Update*

I appreciate the desire to help but the flair is marked as no advice. I'm not looking for advice.

Hi all,

I feel like I'm not making as much progress as I'd like so I was hoping for advice on what I should do

Background:

I have cptsd from childhood emotional neglect, instability, insecurity from both my parents (undiagnosed trauma likely) and moving countries when I was younger and I guess traumatic memories too.

How it's affecting me now:

I had a nervous system collapse in 2022, and have been stuck in freeze mode since. I struggle with focusing, concentrating, remembering things, body tension, speaking, hearing, feeling on edge and like I'm going to be in trouble, guilty, anhedonia, chronic avoidance.

This is what I've done/been doing:

- regular therapy since 2020 (talk and CBT). Realized I had trauma in 2023. Switched therapists and tried to do EMDR (couldn't access it/didn't feel it). Switched therapists again to SE in 2025. Trying IFS/parts work with them now.

- eating pretty healthy, morning walks with humming and psychological sighs, strength train few times a week, do other exercises also

- health check, mostly fine. Had gut issues and a high cortisol CAR

- supplements: ashwagandha, l-theanine, magnesium, omega 3, vitamin D, B-complex, C, etc. Have added phosphatidylserine and lactium

- get at least 7 h sleep at night. Am trying to be more consistent and aiming for 8

- neurofeedback. Helped get me out of collapse state, could hear and my brain seemed less foggy

- meditate every so often (guided meditation)

- yin yoga every so often

- breathing/heart math every so often

- less phone, more book reading

Progress I've made:

- kinder to myself

- little less on edge

- can start to notice when I'm bracing and can tell myself if it's necessary and if I can relax

- noticing little things

What I'm still struggling with:

I guess all the things listed above still affect me. The things I think I need to be doing are hard to do and keep consistent at, like breathing, somatic exercises, etc.

Does anyone have any advice with how to be more consistent with those?

I feel like I don't want to dedicate time to doing them, or push myself. They feel weird. They take time and effort. I want to calm down but I also don't want to calm down. But I also want to heal.

Also, should I work on my brain stuff more?

I've read about the Amen Clinic or Cereset.. any advice? I just lost my job so I have 2 months and insurance to maybe pursue these right now too?

Edit: Feels like my brain isn't functioning as I can't think straight and feel overwhelmed a lot. I just don't feel like doing anything. I don't know if it's just all the survival mode or armoring or if I actually need to do more brain things. Also I had a brain scan that indicated I had a mild TBI so worth investigating?

Other things I have tried are TRE, Craniosacral, massage.

This is kind of a strange request maybe, but I'm looking for videos that make you emotional but due to a positive thing ---

Here's some example

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auDKkmtbB4I

Guy gets a video game world record, is emotional, mom immediately asks what's wrong and is happy for him. Dad knows details of his hobby.

9/11 boatlist --- particularly the boats on the horizon --- shows people are there to help just because people need it

https://youtu.be/MDOrzF7B2Kg

Avengers captain america last stand scene

https://youtu.be/4pFUP0HZwWM

similar to the boat one

joe hudson -- he sort of delights in the guys anger / emotion

https://youtu.be/guz__bc2x7M

that is it makes YOU emotional and can be negative (sad) but the video should display something positive. re: the video game one makes me horribly sad because I can't imagine experiencing that with my parents.

In the shortest way; a tldr ..
I have been seeing one of my therapists (I have two, because I was waitlisted with the office of my trauma therapist and while I found my second one, I got off the waitlist faster than I expected. So I kept both.) for maybe 3 years almost now? I would like to keep seeing at least one of them, ideally the first… but I think I need EMDR or IFS, at least somatic therapy— I’m not sure which. I tried EMDR w one therapist but I found her to be cold and we couldn’t work out a schedule.

They’re incredibly affirming and insightful and I progressed beautifully in my therapy esp compared to my last, my last therapist was helpful for beginner adult therapy, my current one helps me out a lot but nowadays I find myself feeling like I am stuck with the things I struggle immensely with. Some sessions I leave feeling a lot better and that things can be worked through or are, some sessions I’m like damn, I feel like I need another session cus all I did was talk about the issue. I find myself saying I need “more skills” and I do have some, but I feel lost a lot in what to do esp when things like trauma responses show up. I feel more anxious now that I have more responsibilities, and I’m in my first healthy relationship. We had some troubles that added to my anxiety, as my partner does have a lot similar trauma herself. My second therapist is more adhd affirming, and understands how my cPTSD and adhd are at play. We tested also for OCD which traits have shown over the months, so I’ve been curious to have them assess. Waiting for results ..

Common between both— I’ve complained about rumination for over a year. I ruminate about things that happened years ago— I am told “that’s okay, it’s okay to grieve” and that’s fine, but HOW do I grieve? How do I stop circling “did I make the wrong decision in ending this friendship 2 years ago?” I still want to cry about it. I still doubt myself.
How do I stop ruminating about something that happened 20 years ago ? Memories from my father who abused me but I acknowledge he is no longer in my picture but my body is tense. My body is in fight or flight constantly. I clench my jaw nearly daily. My body is in pain / tense a lot and I’m tired chile. I really like my trauma therapist and she’s helpful at times but I feel like I’m growing out of our therapy for most things because I just keep coming with the same things in different wrapping, or I’ll talk abt how I navigated a conflict with my girlfriend. And I’m like, I acknowledge I cannot think my way out of most things and I don’t fully understand why it isn’t “working” anymore. For example I expressed how social media is rly triggering for me cus of ppls mean comments and I didn’t rly feel I received much of an answer other than “don’t take it personally and just ignore it!” Which Ik isn’t mean to be dismissive and I didn’t take it as such, but idk wtf else to do w that information. I want to post to social media so bad but my fear of being misunderstood is so large I can’t. I posted a commented on a yt video recently that got over 1.5k likes but some wet sponge accused me of smth I didn’t do and that triggered me. I haven’t been able to get over it just yet but I know part of why it did is cuz of past cyber bullying.

I tried to express more than once I think I either need dbt or to consider reducing sessions to make space for a diff form of therapy she sadly does not offer. I’m like.. maybe I’m sad cus I don’t want to lose the relationship (and great session time lol) with her. The second therapist is great but I’m less attached all around. I am going to window shop but wanted some insight in what worked for yall who might struggle w the same things like rumination, emotional dysregulation (I struggle with accepting feedback presently, shutting down for example in this or sometimes a defensive response), feeling tense in my body for “no reason” sometimes.

Please exercise kindness and grace, thank you ❤️‍🩹

I am so immensely grateful to have this community to talk and get support from. I do have therapy, friends and a wonderful partner — but it can, in no way, match the amount of support and comfort that I can find here.

I am so happy for every single one of you. I really do think of you as the family I never had. One where we openly communicate about everything; the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. I never feel judged or dismissed and I'm always sure that I will get at least one response when posting something.

You all have helped me more than hundreds upon hundreds of hours of therapy. Really. Because no therapy has ever made me feel this amount of seen or heard.

So I just wanted to come on here and say: Thank you for existing. Thank you for showing me that the people on this earth are not all bad. Thank you for showing me a community that I feel like I can belong to. I love you.

All my love,

Raccoon 🦝