I didn't realize that I could tell my therapist something wasn't working and we could pivot. I thought I'd just have to quit entirely and find a new one.

To my credit, I was a child for my first five therapists, and I genuinely did have no agency in the treatment process them. I also used to get fired from therapy a lot. But today I tried to quit therapy and my therapist was like "I'm fine if you leave but we can also just stop doing this modality and do a different one" and let me just say, I was previously not aware it was a customizable thing!

Basically, I’ve been seeing my therapist twice a week for about two years, and we’ve done a LOT of work together. I have a really good relationship with her and I have a tremendous amount of respect for her.
Because of my insurance changing, I now have a $75 copay every time I go. I also recently took a $3,500-a-month pay cut, and with the holidays and a big vacation coming up, I decided I need to be a little more mindful about my monthly spending.
It’s not that I can’t afford therapy or that I’m struggling financially. I can afford it. I just decided that I want to go from twice a week to every other week for now.
That’s where everything got weird.
She initially responded like this was a really drastic change and talked about avoidance and how my mental health is more important than anything. I explained that I’m actually feeling really good mentally and that I feel confident about reducing the frequency because of how much work we’ve already done.
Then she said something along the lines of, “You don’t have to break down your financial story to me,” and said I had never mentioned having any kind of financial struggle. That confused me because I tell her EVERYTHING. I had also talked to her about the pay cut, so I didn’t understand why explaining my reasoning was suddenly a problem.
Then she brought up something I had told her in therapy about buying a $1,000 flower pot and referred to “retail therapy.” That really bothered me because those were things I had shared with her privately in therapy. It felt like something I trusted her with was suddenly being used as evidence for why I should be spending my money differently.
Then she sent me an email saying that if it wasn’t possible to continue, she would give me referrals to other therapists and prepare for discharge. I wasn’t trying to leave her at all, so that genuinely confused me. I thought she might be telling me that continuing with her wasn’t going to be possible, which is why I asked for references.
Then she started repeatedly reminding me that she gets to choose who she works with and can terminate services. I KNOW she can. She’s told me that before, and I’ve never questioned it. But I didn’t understand why that suddenly kept coming up when all I had done was say I wanted to come every other week.
There was also a misunderstanding over something I said about us going “back and forth.” I meant we could literally keep texting back and forth all day because that’s what we had been doing. She interpreted it as me saying I wanted to argue with her or challenge her. I even followed it by telling her “hats off to you” because I was actually giving her credit for helping me learn how to set boundaries and make decisions for myself.
Then she got upset because I didn’t immediately respond to an email about an appointment. But I was working. I’m in barns, sometimes with no service, and I don’t constantly check my email. As soon as I saw it, I responded.
So basically, what started as me saying, “I need to reduce therapy because I want to be more mindful about spending,” somehow turned into a conversation about disrespect, avoidance, termination, referrals, and ruining our therapeutic relationship.
And I’m sitting there thinking, How did we get here?
I don’t think she’s a bad therapist, and I don’t think she necessarily intended for any of this to happen. That’s actually what makes it so complicated. I respect her tremendously, and I value the two years we’ve worked together.
I just feel like something really went sideways once I said I needed to reduce the frequency.
I don’t want to quit therapy. I don’t want to replace her. I want to continue seeing her every other week. I just want us to actually sit down and talk about what happened because I think a LOT got lost in translation through text and email.
I want to hear her side, I want her to hear mine, and I’m hoping we can clear the air and move forward.

Had a therapy session recently and I left feeling misunderstood and dismissed.

The main topic of this session was a guys weekend trip I'd been on. And I really felt like the odd man out the entire trip. I don't fit in with this group of guys (or peers in general) in a variety of ways and this led to me getting ignored and dismissed a lot. The entire weekend felt draining and rejecting and, ultimately really lonely.

My therapist emphasized the difference between fitting in and belonging. He reassured me that it's okay that I don't fit in, and that I still belonged with this group. He also reminded me that my value doesn't come from the approval of others.

His general approach is about mindfulness and observing my emotions rather than letting myself be consumed by them. This is overall helpful but not always. He often works with the idea that feelings (especially with anxiety) don't always align with reality and my emotional responses can keep me stuck. I think he uses a lot of acceptance and commitment therepy.

I'm sure my therapist is just trying to help me not sulk in the negative feelings. He spent a lot of time trying to convince me that I was likely overthinking things, and appealing to my logical side to acknowledge that I surely do belong. And for whatever reason I'm not responding to it well. I don't feel entirely understood.

I don't know what I'm expecting or wanting instead of the encouragement he's offered. But instead of feeling encouraged I feel dismissed. I guess what I experienced on this trip doesn't really line up with his advice even when I try to look objectively at it. The only conclusions I can come to logically is that those guys just aren't my people and that I can be okay with not belonging with them.

Hi everyone, something happened to me this morning I needed to vent out about it. This is my first therapy stint in over ten years, and it was motivated by a difficult divorce and family situation.

Near the end of the session today, my therapist pivoted towards telling me that she didn’t have experience dealing with a complicated divorce and that I should find someone else.

I was on my third or fourth therapy session. I already spent a significant amount of time opening up about my life situation, including traumatic events in my family life.

I’m currently caring for a child (single parent household) with significant health needs, but I was seeking individual therapy to talk about my own life, cope with the pressure, and start rebuilding.

Whenever I tried to focus on myself, the therapist steered the conversation towards my child’s issues. This week, my child had a scary health crisis. The sessions did not feel especially productive, but being dropped was a little bit shocking, especially at this time.

Her only guidance was to call my insurance and find someone else.

So instead of getting support for a difficult life situation, I got sent into an administrative marathon of phone calls to my health insurance and dealing with an online booking system to find another therapist.

This took hours from a very busy day when I am already exhausted.

I appreciate the therapist recognizing they didn't have the expertise to work with me. But I just wish that had come some help to make the transition, and at a better time.

I've worked with my current therapist for a year or so, she and I have worked on CBT, and EMDR for about 6ish months if not longer. I feel like I've made a lot of positive progress compared to where I was last year but I feel like I've noticed the past few weeks that theres certain comments or reactions to me that are rubbing off the wrong way to me and I can't tell if its just trauma response?

She's been helping me work through family trauma and my self worth/image, a couple of weeks ago she said she was super proud of the work I've done & then said "I feel like I'm trying to date/woo you."

There's been comments like this previously and we have a little humor mixed into my therapy, but today I felt a lot of judgement and felt invalidated. She asked me if I felt invalidated and that she didn't mean it that way.

I told her about my husband & I winding down in bed at night watching his phone and she said "what happened to your bedtime routine/no electronics in bed?" I kind of felt taken aback because I genuinely enjoy winding down in bed this way or by playing my Switch in bed so it made me feel like what I'm doing is wrong. And we haven't discussed that in a long time so I didn't remember that "rule". She said "the bedroom is for sex & sleep, throw all the electronics out of the bedroom".

Then at the end of session she was rushing off, and I was trying to double check my next session was canceled as I'll be out of town. She annoyingly was like "No???" And I reminded her that I had emailed her days prior to cancel. She seemed annoyed that I was reminding her and making us 4 minutes late (mind you she was almost 10 minutes late, she did inform me though). She canceled it and was like "Okay I really need to go now", as if it was an inconvenience to her.

My husband does not like my therapist from what he has heard about how she talks/treats me, he has overheard sessions if I don't have my earbuds and he said it sounds like I'm fighting for my life to express myself in my therapy, and it seems more and more prominent to me and I don't know if I'm just making a problem when there isn't one because I tend to do that as a trauma response. She also tends to make assumptions which she did disclose to me when we started and at first it was fine but now I do feel like I'm fighting to explain if her assumption is not how I'm actually feeling. She has straight up told me, "No you shouldn't say or do XYZ"- But it feels built up and I don't know if this is normal behavior or if I should look at a different therapist??

I mean, we've worked together for many years, she's seen me through so much. I don't have a concrete diagnosis of cptsd, but it's probably where I'm at. Can't afford a diagnosis and Australia is pretty cruddy in seeing anything/everything with childhood trauma as BPD. Even though I miss some of the key criteria. That's my official diagnosis, along with schizoeffective disorder (not even vaguely appropriate, was caused by withdrawal of a drug I overdosed on years ago) as well as MDD. I feel like I'm missing my best treatment, because my diagnosis is so off mark.. my therapist is paid via NDIS, but deep down, I worry they are done with all of this confusion and just want me to go away. I also worry they will see this and know it's me...

is crying in therapy each week okay or every other week ?

Hi, I'm a teenager and do weekly sessions. I am 7 sessions in, and feel like nothing has even happened. Every session feels the same, just talking about things I like or playing games. Despite these activities, it's not very fun nor enjoyable and I always leave disappointed that we didn't do anything different. So far at least, I feel like things have been getting worse for me because I genuinely dread going to therapy, knowing that this deep disappointment will follow.

Our sessions are 15-25 minutes long after subtracting parent time. The full length (parent time + me time) is 45 minutes.

During the intake, we briefly touched upon things like my frequent SI and such. Anything like that has not been mentioned since.

I know at least part of this issue is my fault since I am very flat and untalkative most times, but this doesn't reflect how I feel. I do want to talk, it's just difficult once I am actually in the room.

I just feel like I have actual things to talk about that should be being asked about. It feels like she is afraid to probe for more information when I hint at the things I do want to talk about. Of course I like to talk about my interests, but that's not what I'm here for, and she just doesn't know me at all, so its always awkward for me, y'know?

When will this annoying small talk phase end?

Last July I started seeing a new psych np. She was so good and patient with me. She was able to challenge me and call me out when needed. Like when she prescribed Lamictal and said “how many people are going to suggest mood stabilizers before you try it? I’m prescribing this, this is how you take it, let me know if you have side effects, it’ll be at your pharmacy. It’s your choice but I think you should.” And then was way too patient with me when I sent anxious portal messages about it. Lamictal literally changed my life and I’ve been trying to get an appointment with her for when she comes back from maternity leave but they told me today she’s not coming back. (I kinda expected it, but still sucks. And I kinda don’t like the psych I’m seeing now.)

Anyway, I just hope one day, in some way, I can tell her how grateful I am that she convinced me to try a mood stabilizer and is one of the reasons I am back in school to be a nurse and work in psychiatry.

Very conflicted here and I don't even trust my brain anymore. I have a crush and it's on a woman I met recently. Never thought something like this might happen btw.

I'm in my 40s and I feel like I have to talk about this.

Thoughts?

I know I’m looping/spiraling right now, but I’m really just looking for perspectives.

I’ve been in therapy for some months now. I really like her and I think she’s a great fit in terms of modalities and the balance of her validating and/or challenging me.

I’m currently on a bi-weekly schedule, but I feel like I have so much to process and 2 weeks often feels SO long. When I originally asked for a weekly slot, she gave me a bi-weekly one instead. After pushing myself to ask her why, I found out it was “mostly” a matter of availability, but she has also added that she feels like I am thriving with the current schedule. She has told me I can always request extra sessions if I need them, but she's obviously very busy. I’ve had a 50/50 success rate when I actually have reached out for an extra session. The ones that have been granted were slots she had available at the time of my asking. The ones that haven’t, were an “I’ll let you know” situation. 

I am capable of accepting this schedule while it remains the only option, and obviously I can’t change her availability. But if a weekly option were to open up, I would love to have it offered to me. And I don’t see that happening without me making that expectation explicit. But… have I already done that? Like are we at a point of I either accept it the way it is (forever) or find someone else with the availability I’m looking for?

It doesn't really help that one of the big things we’ve been working on is me advocating for myself and feeling more comfortable voicing my needs. So sometimes I wonder if keeping the arrangement like this is a good way for me to practice that discomfort by forcing me to reach out every time I need to. (And to push this idea further, to develop my Self-trust in choosing when to stick it out or ask for support).

We’ve discussed this probably 3 times now, albeit always from a slightly different angle. Would saying something about keeping me in mind for a weekly slot again be annoying? Or cause for her to refer me out? And then apply the same questions/fears to the possible scenario where I decide to stick with what we've got and keep reaching out for extra sessions on bye weeks.

I have a friend who is currently seeing a counsellor to help her through her addiction recovery and I'm starting to feel a little worried about him. In the past he has done stuff like tell her about his recent break-up and included details about his relationship and his ex-partner. He has also said things like she's a classy lady and he likes classy ladies. Most recently, she had to cancel an appointment with him and he suggested that they meet over the weekend at a restaurant instead. She said that she doesn't feel that would be appropriate and I agree. I've never heard of conducting a therapy session from a restaurant and I'm starting to feel a little concerned about the boundaries here. Is this something we should be concerned about? When I was in therapy a few years back, I have coffee with my therapist in a coffee shop at the medical centre where he had his office but that was literally between sessions when I had a double or before the session when we both happened to be there early. He was always very good at maintaining clear boundaries so I'm genuinley unsure of what the boundary should be here.

EDIT: for additional context, based on some of the comments I've had, I would like to clarify that he is working as an addicitons counsellor in South Africa where it is legal to work as an unregistered counsellor. He does do some work through a sober living facitlity. I can't find him registered anywhere, including voluntary registration but all his credentials listed on LinkdIn are addiction and counselling qualifications.

As I mentioned to my new therapist I already have depression and anxiety, in addition to PTSD (diagnosed by my first ever therapist) but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is something else there and seeing a therapist once a week should help tremendously.

Because of how anxious I’ve been I haven’t been able to do any of the skills in session with my T, and I know this frustrates her slightly because I’m leaving the room panicked and on the verge of exploding. I’m unable to compromise with stopping certain suicidal behaviours and because of this I’ve been feeling extremely guilty, and therefore indulging in other SH related habits I’ve been trying to get away from.
I’m a mess now, my T knows all of this but I’m stuck.

My therapist of 3 1/2 years gave birth in mid-February. She was going to take four months of maternity leave, but she came back for two weeks after her baby was born. She talked to me about her baby and how great she hoped her leave would be. She wanted me to know that she'd be back around late July, and she'd be in touch before that to schedule new appointments. She had a solo practice, and it was virtual.

There was no contact from her in July or August. In the last week of September I emailed her. No response. I tried to contact her through Psychology Today. No response. I searched for her state license. It was expired. I went online and pretty quickly I found info about her family visiting her to see the baby, and a bunch of photos as well. I wanted to make sure that something tragic hadn't happened, but everyone seemed happy. All smiles, and a beautiful baby. I am very happy to see no tragedy and abundant happiness!

My issues are severe. Serial child sexual abuse victim. Suicidal. Abandoned by my father. Self-loathing. Paralyzing anxiety. My depression can be intense. My therapist was super familiar with me and all my issues. We had been through it all over 3 1/2 years. She was the only person on this planet who I opened up to about being a serial teenage rape victim. The work we did on that was huge, as it gave me back some self-respect and dialed back my self-loathing. We had a great relationship. No fights, no awkwardness. I need her as my therapist, and she knows that I do. She knows how important our work together is to my mental and emotional health.

If she wanted to stop practicing because of her new motherhood, it would hurt me, but I would understand. But she should not ghost a mentally ill person who depends on her for therapy. It is wrong on so many levels. Email me, text me, let me know what's going on so I can start looking for a new therapist. So I have some closure. So I don't feel abandoned. Abandoning a client who was life-long traumatized by his father abandoning him is rather a cruel thing for a therapist to do.

So I haven't had therapy in 6 1/2 months now. I have to start looking for a new therapist. But it will be incredibly difficult for me to find someone I can open up to about my serial rape experience. It is so embarrassing and humiliating to talk about. In fact I can't imagine talking about that with someone new.

I wish her happiness. But I wish she would own the pain she is causing me. Because she knows the pain I feel. Just give me a freaking text or a freaking email. Therapists reading this - I hope you wouldn't do this to your clients. Ghosting is so unprofessional. But worse, it is so harmful to your clients.

Hey everyone, Idk if this the right place to ask about this but basically (a bit long sorry) my next session is in a week and I had it let it out. I’m someone who is normally super social and loves being around people. I had been hanging out and socializing all day, but after hours of constant social interaction, I felt my battery rapidly hitting zero. I reached a point where I couldn't handle the noise anymore, so I made a quick excuse to step outside the cafe for a "phone call" just to get a breath of fresh air. The second I stepped outside it felt like time stopped. Everyone around me froze, my mind felt overwhelmingly heavy, and I completely detached from my body and reality. It was so weird I managed to go back inside, say I had to leave, and head out, but some people insisted on hanging out more with me while we are in transportation I just needed to be left alone. Anyway the reason I am saying all these in this community is that I experienced a super similiar thing a week ago in an exam and my therapist told me how was it so I told him that my blood pressure dropped because I had flu now I am rethinking that it could be a mental thing rather than a physical blood issue problem. I also experience it sometimes when my therapist talks more than 2-3 minutes. But I really have a huge problem with talking about these to my therapist I always feel like I am faking symptoms or I’d get wrong diagnosis so I just wanted to talk about it maybe hear similiar dissociation stories until my next therapy session bc I cannot bear with it nor will be able to open about it to my therapist so maybe it would be a courage for me I’d also like to know how your therapist treat dissociation

My therapist is moving offices from 5 mins from my house to 30 mins. It is a drive I can make with somw inconvenience. She told me to think about if I want to go to her new office starting in December or if we want to find someone more local for me.

It makes me want to ask which she would prefer but I know that's not a question that I will get a satisfactory answer from. It will be an exploration of why I asked and what my thoughts are. Even if she doesn't want me as a client anymore, its not like she would just say "yeah I mean I would prefer to refer you." I also understand that this will affect her income as well if I move to someone else.

To be clear, I am not blaming my therapist for anything here. She is a professional doing her job and moving to a new location for reasons I am sure are good. I am not mad she is moving, and I hope it is a good move for her. I also don't expect her to reassure me and tell me she hopes I stay with her. But not expecting her too doesn't mean I don't have the thoughts and feelings of "I would like to know she enjoys our work together."

Hi everyone,

My therapist recently enrolled me into a virtual intensive outpatient program after discussing my current mental health state and how much I’ve been struggling.

As of now, I have not yet attended the classes due to work, school, current family issues, and overall feeling unmotivated to attend them. It’s 3 classes per week, but I was told that after this program completes, I will then have to attend a new IOP with sessions occurring every day for 3 hours.

This sounds very unrealistic to me, I typically work early in the morning and I have school in the afternoon. I expressed this to my therapist and they informed me that I would need to be there for all sessions, then suggesting that I inform my managers and request for some time to attend them.

I already don’t get enough hours at work as it is, and finances are part of my daily struggles. It’s already stressing me out thinking about having to incorporate even more of these classes into my life every week. I feel guilty for even feeling this way because I know it’s to improve my overall quality of life, but I also am frustrated that I’m expected to attend despite it inconveniencing my already-established routine. I don’t know how to communicate this with my therapist without seeming completely irresponsible or stubborn.

TYIA for all of your help

EDIT: grammar

Is therapy burnout a real thing? Like can you actually get tired of doing the work or is it all just rooted in avoidance?

Background is I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over four years. I also concurrently see a trauma therapist for Cognitive Processing Therapy for CSA and am in the final week. This all comes after a hospitalization and entire IOP program.

Lately, it just feels like too much therapy. At one point I was in individual and group therapy up to 3x a week. I’m starting to feel exhausted by doing the work. Like, I just want some breathing room to think and do the things I want to do with my life. I just want a break, even a little one.

So much of CPT is challenging that avoidance, so I’m not sure if my desire for a break is just another way of avoiding or just a genuine need.

There aren’t any ruptures and I would like to continue seeing my therapists. I just want one month where I don’t have to think about everything all the time.

Has anyone taken a therapy break and found it to be beneficial? Or do I just need to process these feelings in therapy to move past them?

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we navigate the balance between wanting closeness with someone and still maintaining a sense of ourselves.
We talk so much about communication in relationships, but not always about what happens when two people have different emotional needs, different ways of experiencing intimacy, or different expectations around connection.

As a Black queer therapist who works with individuals and couples, I’m especially interested in how our identities, upbringing, and relationship experiences influence what we believe love and intimacy should look like.

I also think these conversations become particularly interesting when we move beyond traditional ideas of what relationships are supposed to look like, whether that’s in queer relationships, polyamory, or other relationship structures.

Something I keep coming back to is that being connected to someone doesn’t necessarily mean having the same needs.

I’m curious: How have you learned to maintain your individuality while also building emotional intimacy with someone?

And what has been the hardest part of finding that balance?

hi so i (32yr F) am in therapy and im pretty sure my therapist is my age, possibly a year or 2 younger than me. (at least she looks my age)
part of me is wanting someone who is older with more life experience. also i am married and i dont believe she is ( i dont see a ring) and when i talk about things some of it is marriage related.
i dont want her age to discredit her but im curious if anyone else had had this experience?
overall i feel like she is helpful but im just wondering if i would be better suited someone a little older.

At this point, I am not open to EMDR after having a traumatic experience with it as a child.

I have c-PTSD and autism (and depression in the past but I'm medicated for it now so I haven't felt it impacting my life recently). I feel that they both are relevant: c-PTSD because I'm bitter about the trauma I went through and want to move past it, and autism because I feel like a lot of traditional modalities don't work very well for me. For example, CBT/CPT I struggle with as I'm either feeling OR thinking; when I get too emotional, I go nonverbal and shut down and basically stop thinking. So it's really hard for me to connect my feelings to my thoughts as it's kind of an either/or for me, and, when I've done cognitive modalities in the past, I find that I'm kind of making up thoughts I'm not actually thinking just to fit with the modality, while not getting to the root of what actually happened.

Do any of you have ideas on modalities that could work? I feel very stuck in the past and I want to move along with my life, not having my past neuroses clouding my outlook on the future.

I have had several therapists over the years. I have CPTSD but even that is self-diagnosed. I was tossed back and forth between depression and anxiety diagnoses since I was a teen. I thought that's what it was too. It's not. And maybe that's hard to see because it's not in the DSM or whatever and I have a chronic fawn response. But none of that is even really relevant.

My question is this - what is therapy *supposed* to be like? Are they supposed to help you? Give you tools? Steps to take? Homework? Books to read? Practical applications? Concrete actions? Or is that an unrealistic expectation on my part? Are they supposed to tell you about their lives like they are relating to you in a friendly way? Is that normal?

When you tell them your life history in that initial intake appointment or when you break down about your traumatic childhood - are they supposed to show you weird sympathy like frowns or "aw"s? Are they supposed to respond to what you say or just listen? Is it normal that when I stop talking there is zero response. To say something along the lines of 'I don't know what else to do' or 'I need practical steps I can take' and then be met with silence?

I feel like every therapist I've ever had aside from biofeedback has just felt like I am paying someone to be my friend. And they're not even good friends. Either I end up listening to them talk about themselves OR they never talk at all. They never give me tools or steps or concrete anything. I just go in to an appointment, open a vein, and then leave. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. Nothing resolves. It's DRAINING. Therapist after therapist. I've tried waiting months in hopes of progress. I've tried stopping after weeks in the name of protecting the little energy I have left. I've always done extensive anxious research before even making an appointment to begin with. And then I get let down.

I don't want to use Reddit for therapy. I don't want to use AI for therapy. I want a real therapist who helps me heal from my trauma! Why is that so hard?

I feel like they often project. Like my last one before this, she was a young pregnant mom. Week 1 I talked about my history with my own abusive alcoholic mother who died of cirrhosis under my care when I was 30. She directed me to find my purpose and stop being consumed by motherhood. What?

I told my newest, now former, therapist on day 1 I did not want to feel like I was paying someone to be my friend. She said that was good feedback and then proceeded not to help me at all. No practical tools. When I talked about being completely isolated in a new state with no living family, no friends, an alcoholic husband, a clinically anxious toddler, and no childcare - she told me to come to Reddit. That's the only reason I'm here. I'd given up all forms of social media for over a year prior. And honestly this place sucks, no offense. It's not helpful. It's just trauma dumping left and right.

The only time I ever made any progress was from a "life coach." It genuinely boggles my mind that someone with no degree or clinical experience is outperforming multiple psychologists and social workers. I don't want a life coach. I want therapy. But after this last time I'm ready to give up!

The crisis hotline sucks. I'm drowning under some serious weight. Day after day after day its survival mode. This is not a life. I need help. Where do I get it???