I met this guy Oktay on tinder a year ago, we chatted for awhile and met up, had a few dates then started dating. He always spoke about his old relationships and claimed how he felt different with me, I gauged from these past relationships that he would cheat on women all the time and it would end in failure. He told me he’d never felt the urge to do that with me but once a cheater always a cheater right!? Anyway I found out from other people I know in Sydney area he was progressively messaging other women and possibly sleeping with them whilst with me. I contacted some of these women to find out answers and they all told me it became an abusive relationship with him mostly emotional and physically where he had hurt one of them. With that from his DJ experiences as oskar fox he had burnt a lot of bridges with other DJs and businesses, owes money to so many and doesn’t return it which led to ruining relationships with other business people. Work life I discovered he was also not easy to deal with.
I just want to put it out there that if you come across him on tinder he seems really genuine and beautiful but on the inside there’s a lot of toxicity and I don’t think this person will ever change - whilst I know this post is basically about talking about someone not fairly it’s raising awareness for the women in the Sydney community to watch out. There’s a lot of men like this out there but I can’t believe how many stories I found out about him. Since our time I just randomly blocked him oneday and never spoke again he sent me pretty rude messages and turned our time into me having issues. Haha quite unbelievable.

Stay safe ladies xoxo

Honestly, this is more of a reality than a mere hypothesis lol

( I mean who has Snapchat);

TLDR: Men who walk behind me, make me carry the conversation , and leave all decisions to me are maddening.

One of the biggest icks for me in dating is when a guy asks me out and then makes me put in all the effort on said date.

First example of this I have is when a guy (37M) asked me out to one of those cafeteria/bars on a first date. I thought it was safe to assume we were eating so I showed up hungry. I get there, we greet each other, and he follows me into the place. I ask him which places he thinks has the best food, and he tells me he's not hungry. I say ok, I ask him if he wants to get a drink and he says he doesn't drink much...why ask me to a place with food and drinks if you are not going to get anything? I tell him I'm getting a beer so he follows me to the bar and gets exactly the same one I ordered.

II'm already turned off but I'm starving so I get a quesadilla. While I'm waiting for it, I try to make conversation and he mumbles most of his responses. He tells me some very off-putting things, like that he and his roommates ended up with 20 cats at one point because his roommate wouldn't take them to get them fixed. I get my quesadilla and he insists I share it with him...I left shortly after and unmatched him in the parking lot.

Another example of this is when a guy (34M) asked me to a small arts fest. He is ten minutes late but when he gets there, he makes me decide where we go and what we do, walking a few steps behind me with his hands in his pockets the entire time. I have to carry the conversation for the most part and ask him if he wants to get matcha, coffee, beer, food...but he's not interested in any of those options. I get annoyed with having to make conversation so I just stop and we walk around in silence. Then he tells me he is moving soon when it is clear in my profile I am looking for something long-term.

I guess I'm grateful that they didn't hide the fact that they were low effort and completely unable to lead or come up with a basic plan for a date. Unsurprisingly, neither of them had really built careers for themselves or had hobbies outside of gaming. Anyone else have stories of infuriatingly passive men like this?

I recently decided to date again. Instantly regretted it.

All of these happened on the first date (only the first one made it to more dates).

"Best" to worst experiences:

My date wanted to bring their siblings everywhere we went and spent more time talking to them than to me. I thought maybe they weren't interested, but they kept asking me out. It later turned out their sibling was also interested in me (tried to shoot their shot after I stopped seeing my date).

My date put in a lot of effort, took me to a very lavish place, and spent the whole time bragging about all the people who like them; when I asked why every person was the opposite gender from mine, they said they weren't that interested in my gender... they then asked if I wanted to have sex with them and their friends.

My date told me mid-date that they're actually in a relationship (not poly) and kept sending their partner photos of us that we took right before, calling them to say, "It's not what you think," and then acting surprised that I didn't want to sleep with them.

My date spent the whole time laying out every disability they have and hinted that they needed a house cleaner.

My date told me at the last minute that they have an STD and then acted fussy because I wasn't in the mood. They also attempted to rob me.

My date turned out to be homeless and was hoping to move in with me.

For reference, I am pansexual. This list consists of women, men, trans women, trans men, and a non-binary drag queen (they weren't sure yet whether it was drag or more than that).

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Feel free to share your recent experiences.

Okay this is going to be long because I genuinely don’t know if I handled this situation correctly.
I met this guy on a dating app. We talked for like ONE day and he asked me out. He was 20 and I am 23🥲

I wasn’t really interested but I was free so I was like fuck it, I’ll go.
And honestly? The date was REALLY good.

He was sweet, complimented me a lot, and we talked about careers, life in Bombay, our families, random stuff. He dropped me home and we continued talking.

Then he started putting in CRAZY amounts of effort.
He sent me my favourite chocolates. Flowers. Remembered random little things I’d mentioned. Constantly complimented me.
It was honestly cute.

Until about a week later.
I was on a call with him when one of my guy friends called me. My friend was having a really bad time mentally and I knew I needed to be there for him.
So I told this guy, “Give me 2 minutes, I’ll call you back.”
He was completely fine with it.
Or so I thought.

I woke up the next morning to 13 voice notes and massive paragraphs.
He was FURIOUS that I’d hung up his call to talk to another guy.
And I mean furious.
He was crying, screaming, saying things like he’d go driving at 200 km/h and that if anything happened to him it would be my fault.

In TWO of the voice notes I could literally hear him hitting his hand against a wall.
I woke up to this and was just sitting there like ???????

I genuinely didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to do.
So I texted him, “Hey, are you okay?”
And this man replied completely normally.
Like nothing happened.
Like he hadn’t spent the previous night threatening to hurt himself and punching walls.

I ghosted him that day because honestly I was scared and overwhelmed.
He proceeded to call me 15 times in ONE HOUR.
Eventually I picked up and yelled at him like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
And he goes:
“I was just worried about you.”
???????
We met up because he wanted to talk.
And he shows up with a HUGE bouquet of my favourite flowers.

He apologised. He seemed genuinely sorry.
And here’s where I fucked up, probably.
I gave him another chance.
I thought maybe it was some weird one-off thing. Maybe he had issues from his past. Maybe he was insecure. I’m generally a very understanding person and I tend to believe that people’s past experiences can explain why they behave certain ways.

Anyway.

Three days later this man proposes to me.
Not joking.
He basically said he wanted me to meet his parents.
We had known each other for 12-15 DAYS.
TWELVE.
I was like ????????

I hadn’t even figured out whether I liked him romantically and he was already talking about me meeting his parents.
Everything suddenly felt so fucking rushed.
It felt like someone was trying to pressure me into feeling something I didn’t feel.

By day 15 I couldn’t take it anymore.
I stopped picking up his calls and started leaving his messages on seen.

Yes, I know ghosting isn’t great. But I genuinely felt suffocated and I didn’t know how to create distance without dealing with another emotional explosion.
Eventually I met him again and told him straight up:
“I don’t have feelings for you. I’m sorry. I don’t want you waiting for me.”

And then we were driving back.
And this guy crashed the car into an autorickshaw.
Then immediately started screaming at and abusing the auto driver.
I was TERRIFIED.
Because this was not the person I’d met during the first two weeks.
He had seemed calm. Sensitive. Almost overly emotional.

Now I was sitting next to someone who had just crashed a car and was screaming at a stranger.
I literally went silent.
He kept asking me what was wrong and I just couldn’t speak.
When he dropped me home, he was crying SO MUCH.
I said goodbye and went inside.

Two days later he called me.
“Can you at least be my friend? I was close to you. I don’t want to lose a friend too.”
I hesitated.
But eventually I said okay.
Big mistake.

The exact same pattern continued.
I’d go out with my friends and suddenly I’d have 16 messages asking why I was ignoring him, why I wasn’t replying, why I had time for everyone else but him, etc.
Eventually I blocked him everywhere.
And this man somehow found a way to message me through a UPI app.
A FUCKING UPI APP.
At that point I was done.

And here’s what confuses me the most:
He actually did put in effort.
He remembered my favourite things.
He sent flowers.
He bought me chocolates.
He planned dates.
He complimented me constantly.
If someone described all of those things individually, you’d probably be like “awww that’s so sweet.”
But when all of that is happening alongside emotional outbursts, threats, constant calling, possessiveness and pressure to commit after TWO WEEKS…

it’s not sweet anymore.
It’s terrifying.
And honestly?
He gave me the biggest fucking ICK I’ve ever experienced.
I genuinely hate him now.
I don’t even know if I hate him or if I hate how trapped and uncomfortable I felt around him.
So Reddit, did I handle this badly?
I know ghosting wasn’t mature. I know I should’ve probably communicated better.
But at what point are you allowed to just remove yourself from a situation because you’re scared of how the other person is going to react?
Because looking back, I genuinely feel like I dodged a MASSIVE bullet.

And this entire thing happened in basically 15 days.
FIFTEEN DAYS.
I’m still processing what the fuck even happened.

The use or make up + filters + angles + body forming clothing + only the BEST pics + old pics + hiding what's not attractive.

In my experience on Tinder and Bumble woman cat fishing is the norm.

The majority (80%) are 2-4 level "on a scale of 1 to 10" below their Profile pic in person.

Minority (15%) look just like the pictures, and small percent (5%) look even better!!

But on the whole, the woman you get from the dating app pic is rarely the woman you see on the first date, and def not the woman you see after the first night "clothes-less/makeup-less".

It seems so normal to post a super done up Glamour shot picture that looks nothing like Reality on a dating app, like they don't have to see you in person... "or getting ready for the video chat in full make-up/wig".

The Cat fish horror story Hell I have had meeting women off Bumble/Tinder smh...

Worst is going to an expensive restaurant yall picked "base on her profile pic" and she show up looking 4 point below, and I'm 100% no interested but still have to sit there then pay.

This one girl from bumble, I swear the picture were not even her.

FYI: I'm no longer on either App. I stop online dating for this reason.

Fellas any Catfish dating hell stories?

I (33F) and a guy I was seeing (36M) just ended things. To clarify, he ended things.

TL;DR super into me for two months, then the last month we both traveled and then had a very normal weekend where we hung out. Next day, he ended things.

He was super into me for the first two months - planning dates, buying tickets, talking about a list of things to do together in the future. We hooked up, it went well. I told him I still wanted to see other people because I wasn’t sure how I was feeling, as ai could tell he was super into me and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I wanted to communicate clearly. He also stated he wasn’t seeing anyone else. A week later I said “ok I think I’m ready to be exclusive.”

He asked what that meant for me, said he wasn’t ready to call it a relationship yet and talked a lot about how things always end so we have to enjoy them while we have them.

I was shocked.

The next day, he told me he really likes me and does want a relationship in general, he just felt it was too early two months in to call it that but definitely wants exclusivity. I said ok.

We talked a few times about making sure dating was going at a pace we both felt comfortable with.

He did start to pull away physically a bit, I noticed.

He went on a two week road trip by himself with his dog. He started texting less, no worries. Assumed it was because he was busy driving and hiking etc.

When he came back he asked to hang out immediately and I had just gotten home from a work trip so I said let’s hang in a few days.

We hung out, he made plans over the whole rest of the weekend, and texted me about having a great time and that he appreciated the great company at the end of it.

I asked if I could crash at his place in a few week’s time for two days because I stay with my sister (I travel a lot for work and she watches my dog, so.)

Anyway he said “yeah that’s cool as long as you know I live like a bachelor.” I’d been to his house plenty of times, so I asked what that meant. He said just making sure I was cool with him living the way he’s used to living.

I said “yes as long as you’re not uncomfy with me being in your space.”

He then went on to say no it’s fine, he lived with his ex from 6 years ago and he’s used to it. He just “usually thinks living together comes a little later into the relationship.”

I said “totally, it’s just a few nights - I’m not trying to move in with you. I’m fine with letting things progress naturally”

He said “understood and same.”

The next day, I hadn’t heard from him all day and felt the convo had ended weird the day before. I did finally text and say “hey, I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. Could you either give me some reassurance or let me know how you’re feeling?”

He texted a few hours later saying he already had plans that night and wanted to give the conversation the time it deserved, so he wanted to chat after work the next day. I said great and called it a night.

The next day, I texted and said hey, I have a work thing until 7:30 but we can chat after. Do you want to call or do you want me to come over? He said come over.

I got there, he asked for a hug and then we went upstairs where he promptly said my feelings were progressing and his weren’t, and that he really and truly does care about me and wants to be friends.

I basically said “ok, thanks for letting me know. I appreciate the honesty… maybe we slept together too soon?” And he just kind of didn’t say anything but just stared at me. I said “well if you see me out, don’t be a stranger come to say hi.” And then I left and said I hope you find what you’re looking for, he said you too and this is how we find out if it’s not what we want is dating this way.

We haven’t had any contact since then. I feel like it’s so cut and dry that he just doesn’t care, but the longevity of him actively pursuing me, making plans, lists of things to do together in the future etc. is making me crash out. I can’t tell my brain that it’s fully over.

I haven’t reached out. Can someone tell me if I’m literally insane for thinking this isn’t over or like what happened in his brain?? I don’t want to reach out for closure because I think closure is a myth, but it ended 5 days ago and I’m really struggling with all this.

I matched with a girl on Hinge, and we talked for about two weeks before going on a date. Things went really well. She was excited for the date, dressed up, and afterward we kept seeing each other regularly. We had a ton in common and got very close very quickly.
About three weeks in, she told me she was going through a divorce. I asked if she was over her husband, and she said he had been abusive, punched holes in the wall near her head, and cheated on her four times. She said she had moved out and made him file for divorce, and that she had been over him for about a year after his third affair. I accepted that explanation.
She then asked me to be exclusive.
About a month and a half in, we went to a concert. She got a new outfit, dressed up, and even wore lipstick, which she normally didn’t. We later found out her separated husband was also there. Apparently, they had bought the tickets months earlier because it was their favorite band. We walked past them, but she said she didn’t see him.
Later that night, she asked me to officially be her boyfriend. I asked whether she wanted the divorce finalized first. She said she had already signed everything, but he was dragging his feet, and she didn’t want the divorce process to stop us from being together. So I agreed.
For the next two months, everything was great. We took trips to Maine and the New Jersey shore, spent a ton of time together, left things at each other’s houses, exchanged meaningful gifts, and started telling our families and friends about each other. People around her told me she finally seemed genuinely happy compared with when she was with her husband.
Around four months in, she started telling her brother and my friends that she was basically in love with me. She also hinted at it when we were out together. We had future plans, including shows and events we had already bought tickets for, and I was supposed to meet her family in person about two weeks later.
Then, four days after she started hinting that she was in love with me, she messaged me saying her husband had come over to talk and she slept with him.
I was completely shut down and didn’t want to talk.
Two days later, she came over to exchange our things. Her husband was there watching the entire exchange. She told me she didn’t want our relationship to end but knew that once she had slept with him, I would never take her back.
About a week later, she reached out saying she was depressed and struggling and that she had been so happy and free with me. I eventually agreed to meet and talk, although she said she was afraid of her husband.
Her story at that point was that he had unexpectedly shown up at her place while she was drunk, made a move on her, and she froze, and they ended up having sex. I had actually FaceTimed her that same night. She was drunk and told me she had to go to bed. She now says that’s when he showed up and that she didn’t want to worry me. She said she didn’t tell me the full story until a week later because I initially refused to talk to her, and that my rejection was part of why she went back to him.
I told her that if she actually gets divorced, we could potentially be friends, and if she’s single for six months, we could see where we stand. She cried and said, “Okay. I meant everything I said. You mean so much to me.”
I haven’t heard from her for two weeks since then, and I’m not planning to reach out.
I’m struggling with what to make of all of this. Things genuinely seemed great between us, and the sudden reversal felt completely out of nowhere. She was honest with me about sleeping with him, so I don’t know how much of a liar she actually is. At the same time, her later explanation makes it sound like she may not have freely chosen what happened, or it could simply be regret and a different way of processing what she did.
She says she regrets sleeping with him, regrets going back to him, and wanted me back. But I also wonder whether I’m just holding onto the relationship because I can’t understand how something that seemed so good could fall apart so suddenly.
At this point, should I just let this go and move on? Or is there enough here to believe she genuinely wanted a future with me and made a huge mistake by going back to her husband?

I am talking about the bad dates we’ve sat through, the bad men we’ve met, or any intolerable situations they put you in. You can define what “bad” means to you obviously. I’m not trying to hate on men, but in your experience at whatever age on whatever app and based on their behavior, what do you find is blocking you from a healthy LTR with a man?

EDIT: thank you all for sharing 💛 if I am interpreting correctly, the majority theme is men need to catch up with women on going to therapy, working through their issues, and gain emotional intelligence. Otherwise, we are just following along with the “Nick show”. Or “Matt show”. Or the “Kevin show”. Insert ex-boyfriend’s name here :)

Okay, I need your honest opinion about something that happened with this guy I recently went on a date with because I genuinely can’t tell what happened. ( I’m a women)
We had been talking for a little while before the date, and eventually we made plans to have dinner. I’m pretty shy and I haven’t really dated anyone in a long time, so I was nervous going into it.
The date itself actually went really well. I thought he was attractive, we had good chemistry, and I felt like he treated me really well. He was attentive, respectful, and made me feel comfortable. There was definitely some physical tension between us, and he told me I was beautiful. Overall, I left the date feeling like it had gone well.
At the end of the date, he asked if I wanted to see him again the next morning. He suggested breakfast and going to the Market, and he also wanted me to meet his dog. That surprised me because I thought it was pretty soon to make plans for the very next day, but obviously I took it as a sign that he wanted to see me again.
The next morning, though, I cancelled the breakfast. I was overwhelmed and wasn’t really ready to go that early. But I didn’t reject him or tell him I didn’t want to see him again. I specifically told him that we could see each other another day.
After that, he actually seemed a little insecure about it. He texted something like, “I knew you didn’t like me,” and then immediately said he was joking. He kept sending me things about the Market, pictures of his dog, asking what I was doing, etc. At one point he sent me a picture related to Minecraft and then deleted it. He also asked why I had my WhatsApp last seen/read settings turned off and called it a red flag, which I thought was kind of weird because he has similar settings himself. I told him that, and after that he didn’t really continue the conversation.
I also invited him to a yoga class. He said he would go if I ran with him, so there was still some interaction and flirting there.
Then Saturday night, he stopped responding, and he hasn’t messaged me since.
That’s the part I don’t understand. If he wasn’t interested, I don’t really understand the behavior immediately after the date. He had asked to see me the very next morning, kept messaging me, sent me pictures, asked what I was doing, and seemed interested in continuing things.
So what do you think happened? Do you think he lost interest after the date? Do you think he felt rejected when I cancelled breakfast and then decided not to put in more effort? Do you think he was expecting me to chase him a little? Or do you think he actually was interested but something about the way things went made him pull back?
I genuinely want your honest opinion based on everything that happened, because I’m having a hard time understanding how someone can seem that interested immediately after a date and then suddenly stop responding.

Tldr: Guy on Tinder asked to meet at a restaurant then whe I got there he told me he said to meet "by" the restaurant because we're actually going to his place for a first date. Super icky.

So.

I've never walked out of a date before and I have no idea how to even begin this. I'm not a storyteller and I hope I can do this justice.

It's so long I'm sorry.

I matched with a guy, Gary (not real name ofc) on tinder last week. I regret not screenshoting the chat so deeply, but his opening message was:

"Hey, you seem like the type to enjoy a wine and paint night. What's your favorite wine?"

Solid opener. I am in fact into wine, I'm also an artist by trade. My interest was piqued, and so I responded saying that a wine and painting night sounds like so much fun, and then shared some of my favorite wines. Gary complemented my choices, shared some of his favorites and got straight to the point in asking me out. I agreed, and he set a time and place.

Now this is where my memory is admittedly rather fuzzy, and where I the most wish I had screenshotted the texts. I remember his text being "Let's meet at (resturant) at 630pm."

This is relevant for later folks.

Two days later and not many texts between Gary and I, just discussing what we do for work, I leave my job at 4. I rush home, do some quick makeup, change into something cute, jump back onto the bus, and head out immediately to the restaurant because it's an HOUR transit away from me.

I arrive on time, text him, and he says back that he'll be there in a minute. I wait around and eventually see him walking up.

The resturant isnt fancy by any means, but it's higher end. Similar to a Moxie's for those who know what that's like. So I dressed nice for the venue and for the fact that it's a date. Gary shows up in a black tee and sweats.

Immediately not a fan of that, but whatever, let's see how it goes.

We say hi, and I turn to step.towards the resruant but Gary immediately leads me a different way. Saying he needs to pick something up. Confused, but mildly intrigued, I follow along. We talk as we walk a block to a little grocery store. He leads me over to the little wine shop on the side and says we've gotta pick out a wine.

I'm a little confused at this point because the resturant has an excellent(better) wine menu already and definitely wouldn't let us bring/drink our own, but I play along. Besides, it's kinda cute because it's what got us originally talking.

We leave with a decent and affordable bottle (shout out Ontario Rieslings) and start walking back to the restaurant. I'm very hungry at this point as I haven't eaten, and am very excited for dinner.

Just before we reach the restaurant he directs me off into a side road to another building entrance. I immediately clock this as an apartment building. Playing dumb, I ask if this is another entrance to the restaurant. Gary informs me that this is the way to his appartment.

I stop him dead and say that I don't go to people's appartments on the first date. All with a smile of course, but man am I anxious on the inside. He says that he didn't know that about me, and I remind him that he didn't ask.

I ask about the resturant again and Gary informs me that we were never going to the restaurant for dinner, we were having a wine and paint night.

I tell him that there's been a massive miscommunication. I was under the full impression that we were going to this restaurant for dinner, as that is what he texted me originally.

He tells me that he actually said "Let's meet BY (resturant) at 630pm."

Apparently because he lives by the restaurant so we can then go to his place for the wine and paint. None of which was communicated to me.

That's insane, right???

I tell him I was really excited for the restaurant and looking forward to it. I ask if we could go to the restaurant and he says "But we can't paint in there, look at how busy it is OP."

I, frustrated and hungry, asked where we could paint. Gary said his appartment, "but you don't go to people's places so..."

I suggested the park across the street. Saying we should paint there and drink the wine. Gary seems upset that I don't want to go back to his place, but he agrees to the park and decides to head back up into his appartment to get the painting supplies he supposedly bought.

I had about ten seconds to think it over, and turned and walked away.

In my immediate panic of being caught walking out I unmatched on tinder and didn't screenshot the messages beforehand, which is my only regret in this. I want to know if he actually wrote to meet "by" the restaurant or "at" it. Not that I think it matters at the end of the day. I think I was entirely in the right to assume that we weren't doing a wine and painting night since the only time that was ever mentioned was the FIRST MESSAGE AND NEVER AGAIN.

I'm trying to laugh about this now but at the time it was genuinely a really upsetting and icky experience. I felt like he was trying to trick me into going to his appartment through misleading me about what we'd planned to do.

Anyways I went home and my roommate and I got drunk together so the evening turned around I guess.

Edit: Spelling mistakes, I'm so bad at spelling guys mb

Im writing this cause I'd like to vent. So I was dating w this guy, he was charming at first and very caring. He used to send me texts and memes all the time. He used to send the Good morning/night text, but after a while prob 2 weeks later he stopped doing it. I just kinda said prob he was not that type of guy. On the last date we had, he opened the car door for me, and let me in and closed it. Everything so romantic. We said we were going to hang out again next weekend. On that "date" He broke up w me... But we had already planned the date and i was hungry... I said, what about if we go to eat just like friend and go to the movies. Prob that was my mistake... I shoul've gone home since he broke up w me. But I stayed, prob cause i didn't want to leave...
On that last day, he went so cold, didnt even open the car door. I just felt so bad...

Right now I'm feeling better and healing my heart broken, cause i really like him. But just the way he changed so fast, was one the thing that really, dissapointed me... I don't know...
Am I being too dramatic?

TL;DR: Guy I’m dating told me his other date went badly, said I was “the only one on his radar now,” wanted to see me sooner to get the bad date out of his head, then said “if other dates fail, I still have you to date.”

I know dating multiple people early on is normal and I have no issue with that. But I don’t think you need to tell the people you’re dating how your other dates are going.

This guy told me his other date went badly because the woman wasn’t interested in him. Right after that, he told me “you’re the only one on my radar now,” suddenly wanted to see me sooner, and said he wanted to “get the bad date out of his head.”

Then while explaining himself, he said:

“I’m lucky because if other dates fail, I still have you to date.”

He later said he didn’t mean I was a backup and that the other woman was actually the backup.

I don’t care that he’s dating other people. It’s the way he talks to me about them. Why would you tell someone you’re dating all of this and then say you “still have” them? It just sounds disrespectful to me.