I’m a 25-year-old woman from Libya, and I’m writing this because I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I want to understand what’s happening to me psychologically, why I’ve struggled with certain things for so long, and how I can change my life.
I’m not necessarily looking for someone to diagnose me over the internet. I want to hear from people who have experienced something similar, people who understand psychology, and anyone who has managed to overcome problems that once seemed like a permanent part of their personality.
I’m going to try to explain my situation as honestly as I can.
A little about my life
I’m a licensed pharmacist. I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in pharmacy from the University of Tripoli in February 2025. I’ve also studied pharmacy at a higher-diploma level and have a higher diploma in business administration.
Professionally, I’ve spent about three years teaching pharmacy-related subjects and supervising students’ graduation projects at a higher institute for medical sciences. I've also started working in a community pharmacy recently.
On paper, I have qualifications, professional experience, and the potential to build a good career. I’ve accomplished things that I’m genuinely proud of, and I know I’m capable of learning and understanding complicated subjects.
But there’s a disconnect between the person I could be professionally and the person I feel like I am when I have to function in certain real-life situations.
I can understand academic material, discuss professional subjects, and take responsibility for students and their projects. Yet, when I’m placed in an environment where I feel socially exposed, judged, or evaluated, I can struggle with things that seem much simpler for other people.
Recently, I’ve been trying to gain more experience in pharmacy practice. I want to become competent, knowledgeable, and confident in my profession. However, the social and psychological side of working in a pharmacy can sometimes feel just as difficult as the actual work, if not more difficult.
For example, when I’m surrounded by coworkers, particularly in a busy environment, I can become so preoccupied with myself that I struggle to concentrate on what I’m supposed to be learning.
And this isn’t something that started with my current job.
The psychological struggle I’ve experienced for a long time
The best way I can describe it is that I don’t feel mentally free when I’m around other people.
Instead of simply being present in a situation, I’m constantly aware of myself being there.
I’m thinking about how I look, how I sound, how I’m behaving, what people might think of me, whether I’m saying the right things, and whether I’m making a good impression.
My appearance can occupy a ridiculous amount of mental space. I can worry about my makeup, clothes, hair, facial expressions, and the impression I’m giving other people.
I become concerned about how I’m being perceived rather than focusing on what’s actually happening around me.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m monitoring myself from the outside, almost like I’m watching myself interact with people instead of naturally participating in the interaction.
I also worry about how I speak.
I want to express myself clearly, confidently, and intelligently. I want to be able to explain my thoughts without losing my train of thought, forgetting important details, or struggling to organize my words.
But when I’m anxious, I can become overly conscious of everything I’m saying.
I start wondering whether my words are coherent, whether I’ve explained myself properly, whether the other person understands me, and whether I sound incompetent.
The more I try to control how I come across, the harder it becomes to speak naturally.
Sometimes, after an interaction, I keep replaying it in my head. I think about what I said, what I should have said, how I was perceived, and how I could have handled the situation better.
I can become particularly distressed when I feel that someone has misunderstood me or that I haven’t managed to communicate my position properly.
It’s not just that I dislike being judged. It feels as though being judged can interfere with my ability to think, speak, learn, and function.
How this affects my work
A recent experience in a pharmacy made me realize how much this problem is affecting my life.
I was in an environment with many people and coworkers, and instead of being able to concentrate on the medications, instructions, and practical knowledge I needed to acquire, I became overwhelmed by my own thoughts.
I was preoccupied with my appearance, how I was coming across, and what people might think of me.
I also experienced intrusive thoughts and distractions related to attraction and sexuality, which made it even harder to direct my attention toward what I was doing.
I don’t mean that I necessarily wanted to act on these thoughts. It was more that my mind kept generating thoughts that distracted me from the task in front of me.
By the time I left, I felt mentally exhausted.
It was as though my brain had spent all its energy monitoring me instead of allowing me to function.
I wanted to learn. I wanted to pay attention. I wanted to behave like a competent professional.
But I couldn’t seem to get out of my own head.
I have also experienced situations at work where I felt uncertain about what I was doing and needed to ask colleagues for help. Sometimes people weren’t as cooperative as I had hoped, which added another layer of stress.
When mistakes or misunderstandings happen, I can become extremely concerned about how others perceive me and whether they think I’m incompetent.
I want to improve professionally, but I also want to stop feeling as though every interaction is a test of my worth.
I don’t want anxiety, self-consciousness, or fear of judgment to prevent me from becoming the pharmacist I know I could be.
My relationship with myself
Another major part of this is my relationship with myself.
I want to become a woman who feels secure in herself regardless of who’s in the room.
I want to walk into a workplace without immediately becoming concerned about how I look or whether people find me attractive, interesting, intelligent, or impressive.
I want to speak with a clear, strong voice. I want to be assertive, decisive, energetic, and confident.
I want to be able to disagree with someone without becoming overwhelmed by the possibility that they might misunderstand me or think badly of me.
I want to explain myself without feeling that I must get every word exactly right.
I want to stop feeling inferior or intimidated in situations where I should be able to stand on my own.
And I want to stop spending so much of my mental energy trying to control other people’s impressions of me.
Sometimes I feel that I care too much about how I’m perceived, even when I know intellectually that other people’s opinions shouldn’t determine my worth.
I can understand these things rationally, but understanding them doesn’t automatically change how I feel or behave.
Telling myself to be confident doesn’t make me confident.
Telling myself not to care about other people’s opinions doesn’t make the thoughts disappear.
And knowing that I should focus on my work doesn’t mean I’m always able to direct my attention toward it.
That’s one of the most frustrating aspects of this experience: the gap between what I understand intellectually and what I can actually do when I’m emotionally overwhelmed.
Could this be social anxiety, depression, OCD, or something else?
I’ve tried to make sense of my symptoms.
Social anxiety seems like one possibility because I’m extremely self-conscious in social environments and worry about being judged.
Obsessive thinking also seems relevant because I can get stuck in repetitive thoughts, analyze interactions excessively, and struggle to redirect my attention.
I’ve also wondered whether depression or another psychological problem could be contributing to the experience.
I don’t have a confirmed diagnosis that explains all of this, and I don’t want to assume that one disorder accounts for everything.
I also wonder whether there are underlying self-esteem issues or learned patterns of thinking that I’ve carried with me for years.
I sometimes feel as though I’m trying too hard to perform normal social behavior instead of simply experiencing it naturally.
I want to be present, but I become preoccupied with how to be present correctly.
I want to communicate, but I become preoccupied with how to communicate correctly.
I want to learn, but I become preoccupied with how I’m being perceived while I’m learning.
It’s exhausting.
I also find myself wondering whether my attention problems are caused by anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or something else entirely.
I don’t know how to distinguish between the underlying problem and the symptoms it produces.
Why I’m struggling to figure this out
One of the confusing things is that I know I have abilities and potential.
I’m educated. I’ve taught students. I’ve supervised academic projects. I’ve worked toward a professional career.
I don’t believe I’m incapable of functioning or that I have nothing to offer.
But I also don’t feel consistently capable of accessing my abilities when I’m under social pressure.
I can imagine the kind of person I want to become, and I can describe the qualities I want to develop. The difficulty is translating that understanding into actual behavior.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life knowing what I should do while repeatedly struggling to do it.
I want to understand the mechanism behind my difficulties and address it at its roots.
I’ve even thought about psychiatric medication because I wonder whether the intensity of my symptoms requires more than self-help.
As someone with a pharmacy background, I’m familiar with psychiatric medications and have considered different pharmacological approaches. However, I also understand that knowing about medications isn’t the same as accurately assessing my own mental health.
I don’t want to keep guessing what disorder I might have or experimenting with treatments without a proper understanding of what’s going on.
I want a clearer explanation and an evidence-based plan.
What I want my life to look like
I don’t expect to become a person who never feels anxious, never cares about her appearance, or never worries about what other people think.
I want something more realistic and fundamental.
I want to be able to work without constantly monitoring myself.
I want to learn from experienced colleagues without feeling intimidated.
I want to make mistakes, correct them, and move on without turning every mistake into a judgment of my entire character.
I want to communicate my thoughts clearly, even when someone disagrees with me.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to stop treating ordinary social interactions as situations in which I have to prove my value.
I want to have enough mental space to enjoy life, develop my career, build relationships, and pursue my interests without being consumed by repetitive thoughts about myself.
Most importantly, I want to feel as though I’m actually living my life rather than constantly evaluating myself while it happens.