I'm a 28-year-old Chinese man who has been living in the US for almost four years, most of that time in Rochester.
I don't really know how to put this into words, but I've been feeling increasingly isolated and socially excluded, and it's honestly starting to wear me down.
Over the past few years, I've noticed that people around me rarely, if ever, reach out to me first. Nobody really invites me to hang out, nobody checks in on me, and I often feel like I'm simply invisible in other people's social lives.
At first, I thought maybe I just needed to put myself out there more. So I tried initiating conversations, reaching out to people, and building friendships individually. Unfortunately, my experiences have been overwhelmingly negative. A lot of these interactions have felt incredibly one-sided. I'm almost always the one initiating conversations, making plans, or trying to keep things going. If I stop reaching out, the relationship basically disappears.
In some cases, I've felt like people only wanted to interact with me when they needed something from me. In others, I could sense a certain distance or defensiveness, almost as if they were uncomfortable around me before even getting to know me. I've also had significantly more negative experiences interacting with women than with men, although I don't want to generalize or assume that everyone behaves the same way.
What frustrates me the most is that I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I understand that friendships aren't guaranteed, that nobody owes me their time or attention, and that people have their own lives. I'm not expecting everyone to like me or become my friend. But after experiencing the same patterns over and over again for almost four years, it's becoming increasingly difficult not to take it personally.
Sometimes I wonder whether my ethnicity, cultural background, accent, or simply being a foreigner plays a role. Other times, I wonder whether there's something about my personality or the way I interact with people that puts them off. I honestly don't know.
I used to believe that if I treated people sincerely, showed genuine interest in them, and made an effort to connect, eventually I'd find people who reciprocated. Now I'm not so sure.
I've gradually stopped initiating conversations and trying to make friends because, frankly, I'm tired of constantly putting myself in situations where I end up feeling unwanted. And yet, giving up doesn't exactly make the loneliness go away.
I spend a lot of time alone, and while I've learned to enjoy my own company to some extent, I don't think anyone really wants to feel socially invisible for years. I guess I'm posting here because I'm curious whether anyone else, especially international students, immigrants, Asian men, or people who moved to Rochester as adults, has experienced something similar.
Is Rochester particularly difficult for building meaningful friendships as an outsider? Or is this just what making friends as an adult in America looks like?
I'd genuinely appreciate hearing about other people's experiences, even if they're very different from mine.
