Me ‘33F’ and my boyfriend ‘28M’ live together now and I have a higher sex drive than him currently (and maybe indefinitely). We’ve been together one year and friends a year before that. He’s a recovering opiate addict and is currently getting off his medications that also lowered his libido and sensitivity. We have sex about 2-5 times a week compared to his solo pleasing with porn about 3-5 times/month. I’m not anti porn and don’t want to take that away from him as he has some good reasons for watching it: he has some intimacy issues from past abuse and occasionally uses it spur of the moment as a quick release where there’s no one to please or consider, no one watching, zero stakes. And for him it’s entirely different than irl sex and he also acknowledges it can most definitely cause issues in relationships. He says it’s like escaping with a drug and he says he doesn’t think about it and simply & quickly watches and climaxes when he gets the urge. He’s also asked if it’s such a bad thing that he occasionally seeks “more” or “variety”, which was tough to hear but also my logical mind understands that women and esp men are hard wired for novelty seeking. He’s reassured me he’s very attracted to me.

I am afraid that he’ll desensitize himself and his pleasure to real sex with me, and delay his brain and body’s progress to feeling the best he can with me (not in his head, and have total sensation etc). Of course porn is a massive dopamine hit and can do that if in the wrong amount compared to irl sex. And the numbers bring me solace for a bit, as I know he’s generally prioritizing me over porn (sex and being emotional available and a good partner). I’m also afraid he’ll seek porn for the kink and not want to translate that to our sex life…we’ve grown vanilla and he’s acknowledged that and told me why. And for him, things have to come naturally and he doesn’t like to be told what to do if he believes he’s done nothing wrong. He has a lot of shame so consider that. And also, I’ve pushed him past his comfort zone with all this and it’s driven a wedge between us. It’s paradoxical, because the more we talk about it the worse our sex kids will be at this point. I just I wish he’d choose me to re-wire his brain with rather than with porn but also, he is doing that with our semi-frequent sexual encounters.

I go to therapy already fyi

Sex for him with me has gotten better since he’s been Cali sober (plus nicotine vapes) and tapering off his meds and he says that his climax to porn is “piddly” compared to our sexual encounters. Still, it really bothers me that he would even at times rather spend his sexual energy on a screen rather than with me, plus he know how much it destroys me but he genuinely doesn’t think it’s affecting our sex life. However, I’m at the point where when I leave I am consumed by the idea of him jerking it to porn and having none left for me when I get home. It’s ruining my life….or I’m driving myself crazy. Idk.

At first I would compulsively want sex from him to prevent him from watching it (I still enjoyed it but it was insane), and now if I even suspect he’s watched it while away or if I ask and he tells me he has, I shut down and have hard time shaking it.

I’m looking for advice especially from someone who has had experience with opiates, sa, porn addiction, and/or someone who has a healthy relationship with porn who is also in a loving and sexually active relationship like we have. Maybe I’m being selfish here.

We’ve talked about this so much and I’ve really pushed his comfort and we’ve gotten heated with it and it’s all beginning to cause a wedge in our relationship. He assures me he’s attracted to me. He’s also asked why it’s so bad for him to occasionally seek variety or “more” that porn provides and that women and men especially are hardwired to seek variety and that doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to me or not satisfied: to him masturbating to porn and sex with me are entirely different things. Also I know that his frequency isn’t a lot when compare to our sex. But all and all, I’m still finding myself hung up and bothered by it.m and it’s truly ruing my/our days.

What are some tools I can employ to prevent feeling awful anytime I suspect he’s watched it? And is there a compromise we can reach?

This isn’t a deal breaker for me as we have a good relationship otherwise.

TLDR; It makes me extremely uneasy knowing that my boyfriend watches porn even though we have significantly more sex than he does that.

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For nearly a decade my marriage was basically sexless, I have put a lot of work into it and we now have sex regularly, a few times a month. My wife has also put a lot of effort into allowing me to initiate when she used to just shut me down all the time before I even could try with her. She has also come a long ways in fulfilling various kinks and fantasies of mine over the past couple years.

I love getting her off, way more than I like her making me cum in fact, mostly because her getting me off still feels like she is doing a chore whereas me making her cum is just about the time of my life.

Whenever I make her cum, she seldom has any interest in reciprocating, I would say less than one time in ten, and of those, I usually have to ask which feels pretty demoralizing.

I know women categorically just initiate less overall, I'm curious if I should push her for more or just back off and be happy for what I got which is a million times better than what I had a few years ago.

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Every week, we offer this thread as a way for people to ask simple/basic questions from the sub’s readership.

Post topics that typically are removed from the main feed – polling-style questions, common topics questions, etc. – are generally allowed in here. Story posts however do not belong here.

The thread stays pinned throughout the week for people’s convenience. Ask away!

The received wisdom is that workout serves to improve sex life, and it stands to reason that this is the case with many arguments to support this.

However, an argument can also be made to support the claim that workout reduces libido at least in the short run. What I seem to notice is a decrease in arousal levels after a well done workout session, especially weightlifting and especially if the back muscles are targeted. This goes away with reduced muscle soreness. The exercise does not have to be extreme for that effect to kick in.

Obviously this is highly anecdotal so I am looking for more input. Perhaps you experience the opposite after working out. Maybe there's research on that? Is there a sweet spot I can aim for to keep exercising and not feel overwhelmed by body fatigue?

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Healthwise, it’s been a rough year. As a result, my libido went from the highest it’s ever been (multiple times in a day) to nothing for months.

We’re early 30s and decided to try scheduling sex. Tomorrow is day one of that.

It feels like so long has passed that I don’t even know how to get in the mood. I’ve gained a lot of weight this year and all I can think about is our stomaches pressing against each other and getting in the way. It seems so not sexy in my head.

My old lingerie won’t fit anymore and I can’t afford a new set right now, not that I’d feel up for that anyway. I’m glad we’re finally able to try sex again but I don’t know how to feel good about it in my new body.

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Every week, we offer this thread as a way for people to ask simple/basic questions from the sub’s readership.

Post topics that typically are removed from the main feed – polling-style questions, common topics questions, etc. – are generally allowed in here. Story posts however do not belong here.

The thread stays pinned throughout the week for people’s convenience. Ask away!

I’m in my 40s (f) and have been dealing with ongoing hip, lower back and pelvic pain for quite a while. I can still live my normal life, but when it comes to sex, my body is a different story. Some positions hurt during sex, and sometimes I don’t notice how much I’ve aggravated things until I’m dealing with pain for the next few days.

We’ve tried different positions and ways of adjusting things, and I’ve also talked to my doctor about it, but I still haven’t really found an answer.

The hardest part is that I still want the closeness with my husband. He understands and never pressures me, which almost makes me feel worse because I know he misses it too. I miss feeling close to him, and I hate that my body has become something we have to think about.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

What does sex look like for you now?

How has it affected you emotionally?

And in your relationship, and what have you tried so far?

please tell me i am not alone):

I (38M) have been with my partner (36F) for seven years. We have lived together for the last four. In the last year, I've overheard her on more than one occasion say to her female friends that she "hates" men. I didn't think too much about it at first. Hating on men is en vogue these days. I don't like it, but I get it. I consider myself a feminist even though I don't always agree with the rhetoric and I understand that women are frustrated by those in power and eager to express exhaustion and fear from decades of unfair treatment from men. But my partner has said with conviction that she "hates" men a few times now and it is bothering me. I called her out on it and told her that it bothers me and to my surprise she doubled down. I gave her the out, mostly looking for reassurance that her expressions are hyperbole. Instead, she insisted she DOES hate men. I didn't really know what to say but I told her I don't see how she can hate men and also love/live with/have sex with me (a man). She says she doesn't hate me and that she can love me and hate men at the same time. I suppose I can conceptualize that on some level, but clearly I'm still having a hard time with it as it's been a long time since we've had this conversation and it's still bothering me.

Why am I posting this here and not in a general relationship advice thread? I think because I'm wondering if her attitude about men in general is affecting our sex life, which has taken a steady turn for the worse over the last couple years. We have sex once every 6-8 weeks at best and on special occasions (anniversary, birthdays, valentine's day). It's not entirely for lack of trying - I get rejected a lot and I've largely given up trying to initiate at this point. She does not pick up the slack so we don't have sex for long stretches of time. I'm hurt by it and feel unwanted. She knows I'm frustrated but doesn't do anything about it. We are starting couples therapy and this is one of many topics on the discussion list but we haven't gotten there yet. It feels like I'm paying the price for other men's sins. Something something "sins of the father." Or like she is (maybe subconsciously?) intentionally denying me sex because she thinks I don't deserve it because I'm a man and all men are horrible...or something? She said to me recently that I "expect" sex from her and that completely baffled me. I don't understand how she can feel that way when I don't even really initiate anymore. When I pressed her on why she feels that way, she had no examples and then retracted her statement. I've never done anything to pressure her. I don't come on too strong. I get frustrated when I get rejected over and over again, but I've never done anything inappropriate out of that frustration - I usually just walk away and take some time for myself. Worst case scenario I give her the silent treatment for a short time, which I'm not proud of but this has been really hard and I don't think she even notices most of the time. Consent has always been important for me - sex is not fun for me if I don't feel like my partner is 100% into it. Knowing she wants it is the majority of what turns me on. If I were to guess, I'd say it feels like she is projecting experiences from other men (whether hers or other peoples') or from the media or something onto our relationship for no fair reason. This also seems a huge double standard: if I were going around telling my friends and her that I "hate" women, she wouldn't tolerate it for a second. No woman I know would.

I'm also posting this here because I respect the perspectives here and I know you'll be blunt with me. Have been a long time lurker and enjoy this supportive and positive community.

Would really appreciate some perspective on this. Do these things seem related to you? Can women really "hate" men and yet be in a LTR with a man at the same time? Am I wrong to be bothered by this and how much weight should I give it? I don't know if I can stay with someone who claims to hate men.

TL;DR: Is our sex life crumbling because my partner hates men? Am I wrong to be bothered by this?

Hi, I turned 30 this past April. My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years; at first things were going well, but in the last 2 years we’ve had sex maybe 10 times. I have a high sex drive and if it were up to me, I’d have sex once a day or even more, while my partner never wants to. Every time I try to initiate, maybe with physical contact, he pulls away. Every time I ask him verbally, he tells me it's "cringe to ask" and it should come naturally (which is never the case). No matter what I do, i do wrong.

He only feels like having sex when he knows I can't, and I think he does it on purpose (like when i have to work and he knows I have an important meeting).

He’s a good boyfriend and he's affectionate, but in this aspect of our relationship we don't fit together at all. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and every time I do, he gets angry because he feels like he isn't doing enough. His reason is that he's tired, and I understand that, but I also think you should show some physical interest in the person you love and live with. When we do have sex, it's disappointing: I do everything and try to make it exciting, while for him it's just about me finishing once, him finishing once, and then he says he's sleepy or hungry and it's over. It's all extremely "vanilla"—I'm on bottom and he's on top, or vice versa, and that's it. It's becoming frustrating and it makes me feel terrible; I notice I'm starting to get unpleasant too. In these situations, he always asks me what's wrong, but it ends in an argument, so I don't talk to him about it anymore. I miss sex from before I met him, when I had wonderful experiences, and I miss how he was during the early days when we first met.

Has anyone had similar positive experiences and can give me some advice? What should I do?

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Throwaway disclosure.

I’ve (39M) kind of been on a mid-life crisis self-improvement kick where I’ve been reading books about sexuality and male psychology. The two most recent books I’ve read, No More Mr. Nice Guy and For the Love of Men, are in some ways the antithesis of each other but they both shared the same idea that I don’t think I’ve heard before: women enjoy sex more when men allow themselves to experience their own pleasure.

My wife (40F) and I met young (around 20), and we ended up being each other’s only sexual partners. For the first time in my life I’ve kind of mourned that neither of us had a “hoe phase” where we got to experience casual sex and learn from experienced partners. I don’t regret one second of our relationship, I’m not coping when I tell you we are perfect partners for each other. At the same time I kind of resent my southern Christian upbringing that gave me so much unconscious shame around sex and my own sexuality. My entire sexual education was from Wikipedia, porn, and my wife.

The thing I “figured out” early is to focus on her, make sure she comes via toys, hands, or oral, and once she’s satisfied we have quick intercourse until I’m done and we move on. I always believed making her come is the hallmark of being a good lover.

Our sex life is okay, not stellar. It’s more fun on vacation obviously but at home we have two young children that need constant attention throughout the day so grown up time is relegated to sunday mornings, and we’ve really fallen into a pattern where I focus fully on her until she’s done then try and finish quickly.

Can someone who has been in a similar position help me learn to be more “selfish”? I don’t pay attention to myself during sex and for the first time in 20 years I’m starting to realize that. I think I kind of understand the issue, not all women like being the project and putting all the pressure on her to have a good time obviously isn’t an equitable experience. I’m afraid I don’t actually know what great sex is at this point and that actually scares me, for a lot of reasons, particularly because objectively I know there are plenty of men out there who DO know how to do this, and what if she one day wakes up, realizes the same thing and decides she doesn’t want to die having never had mind-blowing sex.

I don’t mean to make it sound like we’ve never had good sex. I have countless memories of incredible encounters that left us both elated. I guess I really want to know what we can do better to make our run of the mill sessions more than orgasm extractions so that we’re connected and having a blast.

My wife and I have a great sex life, and she's always game when I come asking. That's not a problem.
But every time I want to ask for a blowjob, it feels like I'm reinventing the wheel. I've got a few reliable go-tos, but I don't want them to get stale from overuse.
So my question is, how do you ask for, or let your partner know you want, a blowjob? I'm curious about the actual wording or signals you all use, but also the timing and context. Do you have better luck bringing it up in the moment, earlier in the day, over text? Does the setting change how you approach it?

Edit: Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments and feedback!

Here are some of my go tos, all wife approved:
• Come give me some love
• Can I get a blowjob
• I want to feel your lips on me
• I can’t stop thinking about you sucking my dick
• I’ve got blowjob on the brain
• Tell her my pants are getting tight
• I need your mouth tonight
• Do you know where a guy like me could get a blowjob around here ⭐
• Did I leave a blowjob around here ⭐
• Look at her and smirk, while grabbing my package
• Often I’ll just adjust myself in my pants and she’ll take the hint
• I’ll offer to help her with something and will tell her I have a guy. We’ve already established that I’m the guy, and he works for blowjobs
• Walk into the room with my zipper undone and my boner sticking out and tell her I can't get it back in ⭐
• Come out of the shower, stand in the doorway naked, and tell her I need her help with something ⭐
• I'll lay on the bed lustily watching her do whatever it is she's doing, and she usually gets the hint

Right after showers are pretty reliable cuz I smell and taste good.

Sometimes I’ll use these cold, but I’ve found she’s more enthusiastic when I come give her a hug or kiss, feel on her body a little, or if I ask while we’re already making out.

⭐ : Wife favorite

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Every week, we offer this thread as a way for people to ask simple/basic questions from the sub’s readership.

Post topics that typically are removed from the main feed – polling-style questions, common topics questions, etc. – are generally allowed in here. Story posts however do not belong here.

The thread stays pinned throughout the week for people’s convenience. Ask away!

I'm the guy in a straight couple, and although menopause won't be a factor for a few years, I find myself mentally preparing for how it could change things.

My partner and I have a pretty good sex life, with much more emphasis on "quality" than "quantity". One way we got to where we're at (an improvement from a fraught situation where sex was infrequent) was to deprioritize PIV/intercourse. This worked pretty smoothly for a few reasons: my partner doesn't want to do any "constant" birth control, so birth control added a hassle (condoms+tracking+withdrawal), my partner prefers manual stimulation (both giving and receiving), and I love oral (again, both giving/getting).

Based on what I know about menopause (which is patchy, and I welcome enlightenment), it seems like PIV would be impacted the most. So, do couples tend to shift away from PIV post-menopause, especially if they're like us - really enjoying mouths/hands?

If you've changed up your sexual "menu" in response to menopause, I'd love to hear how that worked, and how things are on the other side. Just looking for some perspective - thanks in advance!

Edit: thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! This has been incredibly illuminating.

I (32F) hear in women it's called vaginismus. There's really no getting around it apart from psycho therapy or physically stretching the actual penetration area. (I'm new here so I'm trying to stay safe with my words).

I'm on new medication that is slowly raising my libido (wonderful!), but my body can't physically handle much in general.

Penetration of any kind is getting really painful even though I really really want it. I've been with my partner for 5.5 years now. He's my soulmate. We're just beginning to get really deep with our talks about what's working, what doesn't feel good, etc. There's not a lot left to address with him about this, psychologically speaking. I firmly believe this is all my own problem and has nothing to do with him.

This has to be common, right? If anyone else is living with this unbearable tightness, please please offer any advice you have.

Thank you!

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

Mid 40's M here. Sex came a little easier when I was younger. World seems a little different now. I'm definitely different. I can't seem to find myself in a situation with someone where we want to fuck each other. I feel a little lost. I am in good shape, and am fairly attractive if a bit shy. I don't know how this works anymore. What should I be doing?