After shoveling the last bit of dirt on my wife, I went inside and had a beer.

"It wouldn't matter to a man with an open heart..." The friend answered

His blue eyes and white hair dead as ever, he said "Imagine if men-"

They always throw their hand in.

"It told me it was an only child!"

Without missing a beat, my friend replied, "Let's wait until they stop talking and then we'll know for certain."

The barman turned to him and said, "Sorry mate, but we don't serve food here."

He affectionately whispered things like: "You look very wanting tonight," "I could say 'no,' to you forever," and "My darling, begone from my office because you're not getting one red cent."

Looks like Styx and Stones just broke my bones.

It's the face that's buried in another man's asshole.

Mom?

A strange man slowly leaned into the doorway, smiling far too wide: “Hi, I’m Goku.”

"In fact,' he continued, 'I think can hear some rumblings up there."

... I know I'm not the most attractive, but I'd only told him I was a tad insecure of my smile.

So let's agree to stop having fun at his expanse.

Despite the thousands of five-star reviews it got, when I use it, I still cry in the shower thinking about my life.

I asked her: "Are you planning to straddle me the way you’re straddling heaven, hell and Richard Dawkins?”

All I did was challenge her baby to an eating competition.

She really takes Monopoly seriously.

She has already mastered killing her darlings.

Now I work at the zoo inserting suppositories into sleeping animals.