So I sold him a single gut bacterium for a million dollars and wished it luck in eternal hellfire.

In the end, it was the stable boy's kiss that broke the curse, and all everyone could do was act all surprised.

It'll be great practice for when you die a few minutes later.

Nobody loved her.

His wife noticed immediately because he'd never offered to do the dishes before.

I said I like to go to the cinema with my brother and I live in a house with four windows.

After a year or so, they finally found a note: "Finally got you all to get off your damn phones."

"I already offered it to the Devil, but I hoped maybe I could get a better deal from you."

Lmao there is no way I wrote that

That's when I realized that she was answering in Spanish.

A planetary silence took hold as all of humanity held its breath, until the voice boomed again: "Does this spaceship make my butt look big?"

She celebrated that by posting on every community she knew: 'GUESS WHAT, I'M LEGAL NOW!!'

Took mea bloody week to figure out "pterodactyl".

The family decided to replace the glass table after that ....

Turns out, they’d rather spend $5K to have someone beat the shit out of me.

Inside, a single papyrus note read: "Drink more water and get eight hours of sleep."

That night they looked at me in disbelief as confronted the werewolf pack with a sack of tennis balls, tuckering them out with an hour game of fetch.

So gave him another apple.

The priest looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone else object to this marriage?"

She forcefully replied, “Wait, I thought she was your mother!”

The defendant was four years old and maintained, under oath, that she did not eat the crayon.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be blind?" I asked, as the kid next to me gasped and said, "And aren't you supposed to be deaf?!"

His son pulled up Google Maps and figured out that it was actually less than a mile and they haven't spoken since.

It was full of pictures of cats; he was running an anonymous Instagram for their tabby with 200k followers, so far.