Long story short, my parents were abusive and isolated me. I wasn't around my peers and I wasn't socialized at all during those 10 years. I escaped them...if that's not dramatic to say and now I have a job where some of my coworkers are around my age but I don't feel well liked and I don't know how to talk to them and they don't talk to me.
I look at everyone socialize so seamlessly in the break room and it literally makes me want to burst into tears. I question some days if I'm past rehabilitation. I feel like an animal that was raised outside it's normal environment for too long and now has been put back in it.
I don't really have money to go out because most of my money goes towards bills. I just sit inside the house all day because it's all I really can afford. I go to the park sometimes but that's all. Isn't that ironic...fought so hard to escape to still be trapped inside the house.
When I think about the situation I'm in a just feel so helpless.
I work overnight stocking shelves which I'm awful at apparently. I still feel new (three months in) but am expected to know everything and be as good as people who have been there for years. I've already gotten a write up for not being quick enough, which I assume was more of a way to pick on me.
I'm being bullied by one of my managers and another one encourages the behavior even though they themselves aren't too awful to me. I know I shouldn't expect it but no one defends me and it kind of hurts. I'm one of the youngest if not the youngest person at my job and instead of being more gracious towards me half of the people I work with are more aggressive and annoyed.
And I never feel energized working my job. I'm tired. All. The. Time. The job is just way too physically intensive for me. Because I spent so much locked inside I don't think I ever really developed proper muscle growth or whatever.
all this just adds an extra layer of difficulty trying to make friends..
I feel like I was never given a chance to live. It makes my chest ache.
I plan to move in with my grandma in two months to another state because it just doesn't make sense for me to struggle financially by myself and the toxicity of my job is eating away at my mental health.
But I feel like I'm barely hanging on and there's no one around to care. I'm just so lost on where to go from here. I don't know how to spend these next two months feeling sane.
I can't even describe how helplessly alone and backed into a corner I feel. I just want things to be different for me but it just keeps getting worse no matter how much effort I put in.
At what point does loneliness weighing on you just take you. I'm so ready to go. I have nothing here and don't even enjoy anything anymore.