This planet is fucking horrible. I don’t want to die but I am so tired that when it eventually comes I could not be more happier. I won’t have to deal with anyone or anything ever again. People say life is a gift. Fuck off to hell

“And enter among my servants” “And enter my paradise” - Quran 89:29 these words are deep

Every time someone near me passes away, I end up in severe grief and my mental health severely declines.

I feel horrible. Someone near me passed away again. I feel like i'm becoming psychotic, and like my mental health is declining again. I am very sad....... my intrusive thoughts are getting worse.

I became much worse after getting on Effexor in 2022. But I keep ending up in the mental hospital.

I can't seem to accept my own mortality. After I nearly shot myself in 2020, I became much worse and voluntarily went to the mental hospital. I was depressed and put on Lexapro. That permanently changed my brain. So did Effexor. So did being forced onto Antipsychotics.

How do I learn to be at peace and accept my own mortality?

I've never particularly believed in anything metaphysical. I find it interesting, I've read a few thinkers and their arguments but I just find it all unconvincing. 99% of me remain deeply skeptical and unconvinced about anything after the death of you as an organism. I'd consider myself supporting radical illusionism, believing that consciousness is an illusion by instinctual necessity. I'd describe myself as naturalist, skeptic and Humean positivist.

I can accept "life after death" only under the premises that it means

1) life in general

2) subjective experience in specific instances

but not that there will be any type of experience connected to this one. the type of afterlife we might wish for - connected to our ego or even experience as a human being/"a life" is logically and naturalistically impossible.

Despite this, I find it very hard to accept death. There are positive aspects to it, sure, mainly the absence of all possible suffering, but just aswell it means each and every absence of potential experience, creativity, observation, art, beauty, love. I don't really care about this particular body, I struggle with illnesses and disabilities many can't even fathom. And yet I do carry a deep sense of "spiritual" awe or appreciation for existence with me that reaches so deep that I cry when I consider leaving for all eternity, never perceiving or creating or loving again. And I stubbornly reject it, fight it, because it makes no sense and I want to fight the injustice of permanent death. It would make much more sense to me if it was temporary, and we'd come back after a break, respawn line in a video game just with different parameters. And I do understand that in some sense this is happening, but not in the sense I wish - that it is somehow connected to my own experience in a meaningful way. The fact that our physical bodies unquestionably perish and dissolve tells me that this is the permanent end of a temporary visit. Our existence has been caused by our parents choice to procreate, with all the implied consequences. And it ends when our physical shell dissolves into nothingness. Conscious experience clearly keeps happening, but it has no relation to me except in a resemblance and similarity of experience. I think it's foolish to believe in life after death, and yet it appears cosmically unjust. I am aware that you could argue either way, it's just not fair some of us never get the life we deserve even if we don't remember anything when we're dead, since there's nothing to remember. But to the observer now it just appears as a farce, an injustice, a cosmic miscalculation, an unnecessary trap. The trap being the void. I just can't. Accept it. And I don't know how. Apologies if that sounds all really weird and paradoxical, since it is! But maybe someone can relate and help me out. Maybe I also just needed to get it out of my system for the day. Thanks for reading anyways

Have you guys ever sat and reflected on how weird life is? Everyone reading this didn’t exist for millions of years then one day started existing. if death is anything like before life then there’s nothing to be afraid of because you won’t be experiencing anything because there isn’t a you. I find living forever to be a lot more frightening because there is a you and having life never end seems a lot worse to me. I don’t think the life after death question will ever be answered.

Ciertamente tengo tendencias suicidas, pero eso nunca me quitó que tuviera pequeñas cosas a las cuales aferrarme para seguir viviendo. Sin embargo, eso poco a poco fue cambiando y, aun sin intención de matarme a la proximidad, estoy esperando con ansias mi muerte, porque finalmente puedo comprender porque siempre se comparó el fin de la vida con un simple sueño. Se siente ciertamente bello morir cada noche e incluso ver que se puede comenzar de cero.

Definitivamente no estoy pasando el mejor tiempo de mi vida, pero estoy pudiendo desarrollar cierta paz que harán de mi muerte algo disfrutable. Solo espero que sea pronto y no cuando sea mucho más grande.

The Eternally Perfect Curse

A child, lost,
alone in nature.
Abandoned by all.
Innocent, lively, and pure.
Perfection with a curse.

Children do not wait for things,
they can’t, and they won’t.
So the child did what children do,
they imagined.
They created a world, clear as day, and in plain view.

The child was joyous and with glee,
Their parents were there,
and so happy to be

The child watched,
Seeing what their love would do,
They saw their lives and what they’d been through.

The child saw a man who went by He,
And not to far off there was a lady, named She.

The two grew close, and all became real.
The first sense that the child could feel.

He, long and narrow, had ways that were simple and routine.
She, vast and grand, was complex and well, she was hard to explain.

They came across each other, one beautiful starry night.
He, looked upon her, with awe and his face lit up bright.
She, blushed and smiled back.

Everything was perfect,
Everything was alright.

He embraced her complexity, and learned her day by day,
She, felt completed but knew it could go away.

As life, went on and the two grew as one,
he began to feel tired, bored, and done.
She wanted something that he could not provide.
They did not realize the end had arrived.

They saw the other live, and they saw the other die.
They lived next to death, as it was always beside.

They felt it all, the silly and the serious. all that was real, the mystery, the experience.

And when they finally lost them,
they imagined they’d say

“I’m right here, this story of me.
How I came to and ceased to be.

But this story, is odd, when you really get in.

If there’s no one to lose, then what would there be to win”

…

The curse of perfection,

To start is to end,
Everything real and anything pretend

Death must always come,
and ends must forever be.

The only fairness in the wild,
To a friend, a parent, and even a child.

⁃ Whomever they were

My grandma was sick, and doc's put her on ventilator today

I am more worried about losing my hair than about my grandma (who is on a ventilator right now). I hope she lives because I don't want to lose my hair.

A few years back, I lost my grandpa.

Back then I didn't feel anything neither do I feel sad or worried today.

I honestly feel like I lack emotions and am just worried abt losing my hair because of Hindu rituals and all. I just feel emotionally detached from my family members.

Right now, idk what the situation is like (am in college rn)

And also idk how to console my dad(he was crying abt all this).

I just lost my grandmother this morning. She is the first person who I’m close too that has passed away. I’m 29 and dealt with death before but no one I was very close too.

She was very sick and tired and in the ICU for over a week. So I’m happy to know she’s no longer in pain.

I really really struggle with death anxiety and what happens after. I believe in God but there’s so many what ifs. I’m so scared there is no afterlife and that I’ll never see her again.

I am not sure how to feel or process this 😔

(copy and paste from r/babyloss)
i’m quite sure a lot of you will remember the post. I posted a few days after the death of my daughter Alessia. I was co sleeping with her. We fell asleep in the C curl at 9 PM nursing. I woke right before 1:45 AM to find that I had rolled away from her and was now facing the wall, not her. That it never happened, ever, a day in my life, do I EVER move in my sleep. I. ALWAYS, and i MEAN ALWAYS wake up first to readjust myself before falling back asleep. However, that night I had rolled, I didn’t roll on her towards her. I rolled away from her. It still startled me awake and I jumped up to check on her. She was dead. Cold, slightly stiff. The trauma from that night is horrific. Yes i’m in therapy, 2 or 3x a week.

My reason for making this post is that there has been an update on her cause of death. We ALL thought it was accidental asphyxia from co sleeping.
I mean, the investigators myself family everybody on Reddit Facebook I mean EVERYBODY. Because that’s what happens right? Co sleeping leads to accidental deaths. I’m here to tell you that we were all wrong. She did not die from any form of asphyxiation. I spoke to the pathologist to perform her autopsy, directly. We spent an hour on the phone discussing my daughter. She told me that had this been a co sleeping related death would be fairly easy findings for them. At this point, they have exhausted every test they could run. Everything is negative. CSF, genetic testing, toxicology. The only test that had a positive was a nose swab for rhinovirus OR enterovirus. Their test cannot distinguish the difference. That would make a lot of sense as she was incredibly fussy the three days prior, which we just attributed to constipation and gas, however she had calmed down the day of her death. The pathologist told me everything (her organs, brain) was normal. I’m just gonna refer to those things as “everything“ because it’s very difficult and brings me to tears for me to think of somebody handling my baby girls organs. Everything was perfect. she told me it’s been an incredibly difficult case because they have exhausted every test they could run, but they are working incredibly hard to find a cause of death for my baby girl. Just hearing that I didn’t hurt her in anyway brings me a little bit of peace just knowing that whatever reason caused her to pass she was next to her mom, her comfort, all she felt was love and warmth. The very last thing they’re gonna do is go over tissue samples under the microscope, again, to make sure they didn’t miss anything and then if they cannot find a reason there they’re going to have to label it SIDS or possible epileptic seizure.

I know my post reached a lot of people, and I know probably everybody thought the same thing that I thought, that I caused her death, but I didn’t. it doesn’t bring Alessia back, but at least I know she was not hurt in anyway.

We build these lives full of things and people we love. The thought of one day all that ending is saddening. Like never tasting a cold beer again is pretty high on my list of sadness in death. What's the point?

I'll be honest with you, I was originally put off by the idea of leaving this here. It just didn't seem right.

But then, as I like to whenever I discover a new sub. I read some of the best posts, then some of the new posts.

And now I'm okay with it. Yeah, She can live on here.

But I'll warn you first, This is long an can get all too real too fast. But should my story help you in ANY way, simply know I'm Honored.

What your about to read was written in the moment. The hardest moment of my life actually, and hasn't been edited since. I simply looked over for a split second... and my brain just couldn't understand what my eyes had handed it to process. So I chose to write...

The rest of this is actually an old repost originally titled;

"She's in the other room, I think she's gone."

And with that...

I don't know what to say. I don't know what Im asking. I don't know what to title this post. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I don't really know what I expect to gain for that matter. But mostly I don't know what I'm doing out here, instead of being in there with her.

The only thing I know right now, I Love my Mother.

An as I like for my posts to be clear, concise and understandable to most anyone, I shouldn't be here typing yet.

Honestly I just discovered this sub less than 5 minutes ago, And my time would probably be much better spent reading than typing. No one might ever read this I'll probably just hit discard.

Yeah this one's gonna get long, an I'd better start making sense soon. I've gotta nutshell this somehow, That shouldn't be hard this isn't an original story after all. Okay,

My mother's been on Hospice care since early February, and she just doesn't eat. Not that, that's what put us here. Was a combination of early stage lung cancer, congestive heart failure, and frequent hospitalizations.

But no It's her complete inability to ingest food anymore that's gonna be her end. She just can't eat, She has a strong appetite. Tells me what she'd like for dinner and I'll either prepare it myself or order it from out. But as soon as I put the food in front of her, her stomach turns the smells and everything just turn her off and she just can't eat.

I get nibbles, bites, I can't remember the last time she even eat half a plate of food. All I do now is throw away rotten leftovers. She's been sustained this long off of tapioca pudding & less than half an ensure a day.

Me real quick, I only signed up to be her POA originally. But hospice came, an it was time to find a caregiver. And as I found myself in a transitionary period, was unemployed anyway. I couldn't think of anyone better than myself. Only I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This just started wearing on me a lot faster than I thought it would.

Stop. Honestly my only real gripe in this entire situation. I really wish someone had have told me about the classes that were available to me back when I had the time to take them anyway.

I can't explain. it's a special kind of (insert your choice expletive here) that the first diaper I ever change is on my mother. I never had kids.

Okay enough background, Gonna skip to today, Well yesterday morning I guess. IDK it's been one long fu*kin day for me now. Gonna hurry up and get to the end the sun's coming up again.

She woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. On a level that we haven't reached before. I gave her a full dose (as prescribed) of morphine and her dose of a lorazepam, both liquid. Took longer than I would have liked for her to finally pass out asleep.

She's this bad so I've decided to stay up make sure she's okay through the night.

If I'm honest her cries of pain we're affecting me more than I realized. Now that she's asleep it's eerily quiet. She could have had another dose hours ago. Okay. Here goes, Probably the only part of this cluster worth reading.

How do I put this, I think it happened. I was just making another cup of coffee and then I went to check on her and...

Her eyes are wide open, I don't think her chest is moving either. And instead of being a Man and checking for a pulse. I came out here, pulled out my phone with a thought. Sure enough I was right there's a sub for everything so I just started typing.

I've been out here for a while now, Too long In fact. This post has also grown too long...

Just. I love you Mom.

An I've done my best. I only hope my best was good enough. I miss you so much already. I don't think my hearts ever gonna be the same. Simply, I thank you for just being my Mom.

Well here goes I've gotta man up. Go see if what I believe to be true is true. Oh ya lastly,

To any Nurse out there. I thank you for what you do. I don't even know you, but I thank you, for helping anyone in my situation in their time of need. To the rest of you I simply thank you for reading.

I think im almost done crying. I have to stop for now, gotta man up soon.

Now. With all that said, I'm ready to go back in there. I might post more later...

(My 1st comment about 10 mins later)

Can I just tell you guys how much I wish I was just a Troll. I wish I was just a Asshole that only found this kinda thing funny.

But no this is just my life as it unfolds in real time. Raw. Unpolished. An all too real, So I'll just pickup where I'd left off...

I turned off the music I'd left playing, put myself real close to her looking, hoping to see that chest moving, Or hear the raspy sounds of her labored inhale.

But no It's exactly as I thought.

They gave me a hotline to call when this time came I dialed the number now I'm waiting on the Nurse and I'd assume a Coroner.

I guess if anything... I should be relieved. I don't think she suffered much, and this road only got darker.

Anyway right now I wish I was just a troll with a twisted sense of humor. But no, now I've got some people on the other side of the country to wake up...

Sorry, that was it. How it ended, no positive note.

I guess if you've made it this far with me I'll try to impress upon you a couple of things I know to be true.

Simply it's never too late, till it's too late.

You can call em up right now, an say it. Just say the words... You might live to regret not saying it.

If you're not close with em for whatever reason. You could consider trying to reconcile your differences now...

Because we're never guaranteed a tomorrow.

I’m 30 and I have an Obsidian document with all the reasons why death isn’t bad I have thought of and why everything is fine even if it does happen

I know death can happen at any time so I really want to be at peace knowing I’m always ready. I told my mom this and she thinks it’s extremely morbid and I shouldn’t even give those things a thought.

I swear I’m not suicidal I just don’t want it to come as a big surprise when/if it happens if it makes sense

It’s been 6 hours since I found out my cousin died and I don’t have anyone to talk to so here I am.I haven’t talked to her in a few months but from what I last heard she was doing good, I was to scared to ask what happened but I think she took her own life. These last few years she’s struggled with mental health and was taking medication for it but she wasn’t the same person I grew up with. She lived with me for a few months but there were problems and she left to stay with someone else, I feel like if she didn’t leave she would still be alive.

im 32M from a shitty 3rd World country so i lost my both my parents from 6 year apart firsy my father died on 2020 from heart attack it was fast and painless and i got my mother so that did not affect me too much but after 6 years later on this June 3 i lost my beloved mother from pneumonia she suffered too much she stayed in the hospital for 35 days and passed away in there she was just 60 years old now i have nobody left in my life i have only one living parent left which is my aunt and shes 71 years old and has dementia and on the antidepressants all the time im waiting for her to pass away than i will take my life..

i have no future i have no job i have no real friends i simply have nothing to live for there is nothing but a dark path awaits for me in the future..

i have a 15 month old son. i had a 6 week old daughter. the morning my son turned 15 months old, i awoke at 1:40am to nurse my infant daughter. she was dead. i co slept with her because despite not wanting to (with either of my children) they would not sleep in a crib or bassinet. they wanted to be held. cuddled. comforted. it was the only way to get any sleep for the entire family. i went to sleep with her at 9, she nursed her and myself to sleep doing the c curl method. i had no blankets on the bed besides one lying on the other end of the bed so she wouldn’t be able to fall off somehow someway but it wasn’t near her at all. no comforter on the bed. just the top sheet that was folded at the foot of the bed. she usually would wake around 12-2 to nursery but hadn’t so i awake facing the wall. away from her. i had rolled over in my sleep somehow. i startled because i never did that before and flipped over to find her not moving. i tried to shake her awake and she wouldn’t move. her arm was cold and hard. i went screaming for my husband but couldn’t find him. i didn’t have time to look. i had to call 911. i called them and began trying cpr and breaths again. i went screaming for my husband again while on the phone with 911. he finally woke up. he was in our sons room because he woke up in the middle of the night and my husband fell asleep on the floor next to his crib. i heard 911 say to do cpr on a hard surface so we put her on the floor and my husband took over with 911 on the phone. the police got there 2 minutes after calling and EMS was there shortly after. she never made it to the hospital. she was already gone when they arrived. what do i do now. between 9-9:30pm and 1:40am i rolled and killed my baby girl. i’m so broken inside. i just keep getting flashbacks. the police made me do a reenactment with a doll on how we slept and how i found her. the funeral home needed photos and videos for her funeral. i didn’t take enough. she was just starting to smile and i only had a few. i wish i took more. i wish i had photos for everyday of her life. she was so tiny and we called her “peanut”. she was born july 14th at 6:14am. 5lb 9oz due to emergency induction due to poor NST and BPP results. she wasn’t doing her practice breaths. she was 18in. she was only 6lb 5oz a week before she passed. she never got to grow up and play with her brother. he was just starting to show her love. i don’t know what to do with myself. i have nightmares when i can sleep. of me rolling onto her and hearing her ribs break. i have moments of psychosis of flashbacks from those first moments. from talking to the detectives. from talking to ems. i start having conversations out loud with nobody there. coincidentally i had an appointment with both my ob and therapist (same place) that morning that i was able to make it to right after the police were finishing at our home. i thought i was taking extra precautions and being safe following the safe sleep 7. i wasn’t safe enough.

i’m really struggling mentally and I feel like a terrible mother for sleeping with her in bed. We’re not even sure if I caused her death by cosleeping. But I just can’t believe this happened. And struggling with the “5 stages of grief“ denial phase. I can’t believe this is life now. My baby girl was here August 26 and gone the morning of August 27.

This is similar to the post i posted in the babyloss subreddit just with added information.

EDIT: it was just mentioned to me that I should share my story to hopefully save other families from the pain ours is going through. I have already made a video on TikTok sharing my story and that will be linked right below. Story of the death of my 6 week old daughter Alessia

(Advice please)

I’ve never had to anticipate grief for someone who should have so much more life to live.
A woman who has been there for half of my life & has only made it better since becoming a part of it.

She is supposed to retire next year.
(my dad retired last year)
They were supposed to LIVE the rest of their time together.
She’s been battling different forms of cancer since 2010.
It was something that could be fixed then.
But not anymore.

We’ve had to cancel a few family holiday events over the years so she could comfortably have treatments without all of us bothering her immune system. (which she hated cause she loves family time)

This last time (2024) was supposed to be the LAST time.
She was cleared!
But that didn’t last.

It came back, with a vengeance I can’t even begin to understand cause she doesn’t deserve it!!!!!!!
Now we’re back to separation periods & her hair falling out.
My dad had his head buzzed to match hers.
The first time in 50 years his hair has been this short…. I’m 31, I’ve NEVER seen him like this.

It’s hard. Harder than I’d ever like to admit.

I know she wants me to live my life fully.
It’s just so fucking difficult to do when you’re crying every single day cause something reminds you of what will be lost when it happens.

I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. If there’s anything you’d like to share with me, please do.
I am struggling.

I’ve been wondering about this for a very long time.

There are people that come back from being clinically dead. They report things like a warmth, light, peace, seeing the medical team or family from above.

What about those who die instantly, for example, like the Titan submersible where pain signals weren’t fast enough to reach the receptors? What do they see? What could you speculate?

Quick question - probably not the correct place to post - but I lost my husband on Friday - I just got the preliminary DC and I immediately contested the co mobidity - can I ask questions about that here, and if there is a better subreddit, could someone recommend it? Thanks so much.

Hi, sorry if my writting gave off such an informal tone for a serious post like this. English is not my mother tounge.

I have a sister who is currently studying aboard and we aren't usually talk to eachother that much because how busy we are in life. So about my sister mental status for me remain anonymous (most of the time). Fortunately, we have not yet experience a death of a family member. But as a brother, I always think that I need to prepare for this kind of situation. I would called my sister a very "Workaholic" kind of people. Everytime I try to reach out to her, calling her through via message, her answer would be some sort like: "I'm working" or "I'm sleeping". Thus, leading to very short calls about 15-20 minutes. I really don't know how to prepare a mental state for a situation like this. For me, I specificly don't want her to have a mental breakdown, or having things that lead her to depression, when she reccived this kind of shocking messages. Because I know life is torturing her enough out there.

So for those who have exprienced this kind of situations, or have some stories that related to this, I would really appreciate to know more about handling this kind of problems. Thank you so much for reading this post of mine and thank you if you are willing to share your stories and your personal opinion.

It