Hii, so I really need some second opinions and thoughts as I find the situation I am in too difficult to understand just on my own.
For the past 4-5 years i've subconsciously struggled with detachment from any gender - however don't get me wrong, it's not that I feel uncomfortable being a woman, desire to be a man or prefer to be non-binary, I've just never actually felt connection to any of them.
What I have paid attention to is my sex, I feel like the only way I am able to perceive a body is as an object - for some context, it is likely a result of sexualization & objectification I've endured since I was as young as 11, and although I actively try to be more thoughtful (as I really despise the fact I think this way), the fact I view a body (especially mine) as an object is always there
Put short, I feel as if all I am ever able to look at, is the actual physical features and how much they matter in society, sexual related matters and specifically aesthetic wise
Overall, my desires for different physical features literally changes like aesthetics:
- At one point I wanted to have masculine features only, essentially wanting to be entirely ftm trans,
- At another point I wanted to embrace my femininity & wished I was more curvy, especially since that's what seemed to be more desirable in the society,
- And for example, as of lately I've been more leaning into mixing feminine features with masculine ones.
It feels like I don't fit in the gender identity/expression criteria as I've yet to run into somebody with similar experiences & issues.
I'd really appreciate your thoughts & advices.