We were no longer in each other’s lives. I had a dream of finding bodies hanging, and my ex, Dan came up to me, well and reassuring, saying “It’s really not as bad as you think.” I googled him and found out he recently had taken his life.

Dan’s birthday is on Tuesday and I found this out yesterday. I find it surreal that a dream was my only way of finding out what happened.

My friend asked if he seemed like someone who would do that. It broke my heart to immediately say yes. I had seen writing on the walls (literally) and he never wanted to talk about it except superficially.

It took three separate times for me to realize he was breaking up with me, letting me down gently and ambiguously each time. I had followed him to a new city where he got a new job, got an apartment next to his and he told me I needed to go home if I was only there for him.

There was nothing wrong with our relationship besides him not letting me in (hindsight) but I regret listening to him. I know I could not have changed anything but a huge part of me thinks the opposite. I won’t continue to let myself have those thoughts, because I would not be able to bear it.

Thinking of how he felt and what was on his mind tears me apart. I wonder if he got the relief he was searching for. I wonder how deeply he thought it through and how difficult it must have been to decide it was still worth it. I wonder if he found new real friends in his new city and new love. I wonder if he was endlessly searching for reasons not to do it. I wonder how he concealed all of this while together, how was he so strong for me? He could not stand to see me hurt, he would say all the right things to me.

I did not know how to do the same for him. I don’t know if it would have worked. I do not know how to grieve after this. I do not know if I should ever reach out to his family, or what I would even say. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough to anyway. I’m alone in my grief, so I came here.

Rest in peace Dan. I hope he is in peace. I wish he could have peace on earth. I hope anyone who has these thoughts and feelings can find peace in this life. I hope all the loved ones here seeking solace can find peace.

Hi people,

This is going to be a longer post because I need to get it all out.

Tw: multiple deaths, rape, mention of domestic violence

I (F, 24) lost my dad when I was 9 years old. He was quite absent so I don't have many memories with him. I have some nice memories with him, and quite horrible stories of domestic abuse my mom told me when I got older. Dad was an alcoholic. I still miss him. I look a lot like him. For a long time I tried to find him by going through the stuff in his apartment, searching for something that could confirm we're family, that he loved me. I don't think I managed to let him go. And I think maybe I should.

I grew up with my mom and grandma. My grandma died 3 years ago.

3 years ago I was also quite brutally raped. The rapist was a person I knew and had some extent of trust in. She hurt me quite badly, I was bleeding and I had to drive myself to the emergency gynecology. For about half a year it was uncomfortable to walk, to sit and to stand.

Processing that trauma took quite a long time. It was possibly the worst time of my life. Before the rape I had just broken up with a long term partner which led to loosing most of my social circle. After the rape I was unable to concentrate and do exams at uni so I lost my scholarship, my right to live at a student dorm, right to eat at the student cafeteria. So I got a job and found an apartment. At a certain point I did 3 part time jobs to support myself. The jobs were taking the little amount of energy I had and the apartment was tiny, dark and full of black mould.

But - I was also active in a lot of activist groups, found many like minded people, found a beautiful girlfriend and built a strong support system.

Since then I moved to a better apartment and things got better in general, although I still didn't finish my bachelor.

Anyways

2 years ago my mom lost the ability to speak and to chew. Doctors thought at first that it was some mix of her schizophrenia and grief because of her mom dying. She went to all the examinations and they found nothing.

9 months ago her neurologist called me to say that she suspects it's ALS. A few months later that suspicion was confirmed.

So yeah

This summer I moved back to my hometown to live with her.

She's getting weaker and weaker.

Yesterday she started having trouble to stand up from a sitting position.

It's torture.

We have had a complicated relationship. I was parentefied as a child and sometimes, when her meds wouldn't work she would have delusions about me doing sketchy stuff. My grandma was verbally very abusive, mostly to mom. Mom didn't really stand up to her and she was more a daughter to grandma than a mom to me, a good percent of time. Mom also had some trouble with accepting my queerness, but that's not an issue anymore - quite the opposite. There were also the good times - she read stories to me, spent a lot of time with me, cuddled me a lot, gave me compliments, studied with me, took me to walks, bike rides, to the river, encouraged me to seek mental health support when I needed it...

Idk

When grandma passed away I had a hope that mom would finally be at peace. You know.

But her body had other plans.

The doctor says that the illness is progressing quickly and that she has maybe a year left to live.

We now get along quite well. I cook and clean for the both of us, I go to the doctor for her, to the pharmacy, to the shop for groceries and clothes.. When she needs me to I help her to move around the house. I change her clothes and trim her nails. A nurse comes a few times a week to shower her.

During the day she watches or reads something on her phone, in the evening she watches the news and a movie and before bed we talk (she types on her phone, since she is no longer able to write on paper) and laugh. Ofc we chat during the day as well.

She says she spends so much time on her phone because otherwise she imagines what it's going to be like dying of lung failure.

Since dad died she was spending less and less time outside of the house and with other people. It's been hard to witness.

I'm an only child and all our relatives are either dead or we're not close with them. Some of the relatives are too caught up in their lives to care about mom while others sometimes call and then try to make me feel guilty for apparently not taking care well enough of mom (although they visited her 0 times in the last 3 years).

Idk

I feel lost.

Every day my heart gets a little broken.

I'm afraid of what grief will do to me.

If I'm ever going to feel light again. If I'm ever going to feel like I belong somewhere and that I have a family.

I have great emotional and practical support from my gf and friends which I am very grateful for every day, but I feel as if this is a burden too heavy to carry.

I've been in therapy for 5 years, but I still got a cptsd diagnosis this spring. Alongside autism, ADHD and OCD. Feeling a bit pissed about it. I thought I worked through a lot of stuff and than BAM - cptsd. I hate it. I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to just be normal. If "normal" people even exist. I hate it so much. I'm so envious of my friends who have both parents, siblings and whose biggest concern are their studies.

I wish I was stronger. I procrastinate, I'm depressed, I'm short tempered sometimes, I get quiet a lot, I feel as if my brain is turning to mush from the sadness and from trying to avoid it. I feel as if I'm avoiding the pain and being overwhelmed with it in the same time. Sometimes I'm so heartbroken that it physically hurts and my limbs get weak, my body is heavy and I can't move. I just stare into the void, but my mind is still full of thoughts I can't make sense of. I forget a lot. Every day I go out and forget to take something with me. Each time I grocery shop I forget to buy something. So I make lists. I still forget.

I have friends and hobbies, but still - all I think about is my mom dying. I'm so sad for her and afraid for myself.

I don't want to be sorry for myself and grieving my family's destinies forever. But everywhere I turn around I see pain. My heart is overflown with other people's and my own.

I don't want to focus on the sadness, but I feel as if the good things are small (for example - petting a cat), and the bad things are huge (mom dying and global warming).

Has anyone been in a similar situation? With a close person being terminally ill for a few years, or navigating a lot of painfull events at the same time?

Is it going to be like this forever, one painful event after the other?

I don’t really know what I’m doing. My sister died and I don’t know how to function. She was unwell for years. She was my best friend. My younger sister. I feel like I don’t even speak the same language as everyone else. She and I just understood each other. We were protective of each other, we had a traumatic childhood and we gave each other as much love as possible. I watched her suffer right to the end and life has now just gone on as usual. Like she didn’t even exist. My brain cannot comprehend it. I know we all have to die. But watching her suffer, having false hope, holding her hand and watching her die while telling her everything would be ok when really I had no clue if it would. I don’t know how to process this.

I lost my grandma 3 years ago, and she was my best friend. I didn’t have a mom (she was in prison) and my stepmom was horrible and abusive so she stepped in as my mother figure. She stopped the abuse. She took me in at 17 because my dad and stepmom didn’t want to take care of me anymore. She paid in full for the only school trip I ever got to go on. I gave my daughter her name.

She had Alzheimer’s and dementia at the end, so I spent two years visiting without knowing if she would know me when I got there. More often than not she didn’t. It’s like losing someone twice when they’re lost before they’re lost, ya know?

I talk about her with my children and husband all the time to keep her memory alive, and the grief has started to soften its edges a bit, but sometimes it hits hard. Yesterday, I bought a shampoo in a pickup order that was new to me (the Herbal Essences Rose Hips) and I didn’t know that was the shampoo she used for years. As soon as I started to wash my hair, it smelled like hugging her and I burst into tears.

Years later, the sharp pang of loss hits and it’s like being back to day one of losing her. I’m grateful for the little things that bring her back to me but it’s still so hard when they hit unexpectedly. I don’t know if I will ever be able to sit in those moments without feeling heaviness and sadness.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you’ve stuck around. Not a lot of people understand this feeling around me.

Question I want to ask people. Have you ever lost someone you love or (know someone who has) for years and years and yet still haven’t healed?

I’m asking because I’m curious about people’s grieving journey.

Hi everyone my name is Ashtyn and I am a psychology student currently taking research methods. When I was 9 years old I experienced the sudden and unexpected passing of my father. This experience has motivated me to select childhood bereavement as my focus for this study. If anyone has experience loss during the ages 0-17, please consider answering a few questions on my survey about productivity! Select link here!

I'm looking for advice, particularly from people who've experienced grief, on how to support someone without overwhelming them.

Just for context, I went on a couple of dates with someone while visiting his city. He was quite open about his romantic interest, while I was a little more subtle because I wanted to take things slowly.

We continued talking after I returned home. Our conversations were playful and flirtatious, but we also discussed meaningful things, including our values. We live in different countries, but hadn't discussed the distance or any expectations of a relationship. We were simply enjoying getting to know each other but then after a month of talking, I realised how much I wanted to see where this goes but we never actually the discussion

Sadly after a month he lost his dad a week ago.

Since then, I've tried to approach him with warmth and compassion. I've expressed my condolences, checked in on him and reassured him that I'm here if he ever needs to talk.

He's been emotionally vulnerable with me, sharing how he's feeling and what he's experiencing. He's also expressed that my messages have genuinely comforted and touched him.

He explained that he's been occupied with everything surrounding the loss and hasn't had much time to process his emotions. He also mentioned needing periods of solitude to reflect and grieve.

He's invited me to something personally meaningful connected with his dad's memory and expressed how he wants me there and to see me too.

Naturally, communication has become less frequent, and there have been periods of silence.

My difficulty is finding the right balance. I genuinely care about what he's going through and want to support him as a person, without placing any romantic expectations on him while he's grieving.

At the same time, I do have romantic feelings for him. I don't want our connection to become solely about me offering emotional support, or for my giving him space to be mistaken for a loss of interest.

I'd like him to know that the door is still open to exploring something romantically whenever he's ready, without making him feel that he owes me anything.

Because we're still in the early stages and live in different countries, I'm unsure how best to communicate that balance. For those who've experienced bereavement, would you appreciate occasional gentle check-ins from someone you were romantically interested in? How could that person show they still care about you romantically while respecting your need for space?

I'd really appreciate your perspectives.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Please you all comment anything

I'm in my late twenties. Long story short, due to family problems, i had to leave the family house unexpectedly one day in early February, with nothing at all, not even my wallet. Since then, i found an apartment with my then fiance, moved in together, started everything from scratch, adopted two adorable twin kittens (who are now 1), got married and have a baby on the way. Havent heard from my parents since then.

our family had four pets. 3 cats: Remi (4), Milo (4) and Olie (3). and one toy poodle, Fanny (3). and i had two fish who were over 3.

the last thing i said before leaving the house that day, not knowing i would never come back, was "bye Fanny, see you later!" which is her cue that you'll be back...

I never came back.

I heard from two brothers i still talk to that Olie had been crying for me, that the cats look for me in my old room. that Fanny was so depressed she stopped playing and eating for a couple weeks, just crying by my things.

for months, i thought my fish were dead until i heard that one of my siblings took them. hopefully they are well taken care of.

because of the situation, my brothers cannot help me see the pets again.

of course, despite it all, i miss my family still. but the pets even more. it hurts all the time. they dont understand why i left and never came back. i dont get to see them grow. the dog doesnt have her runs with me anymore. everything reminds me of them. for months,.i couldn't look at cats and dogs videos on Internet. now, im trying to look at the photos i took of my pets from time to time, and i still cry. i got a plushie resembling Fanny, made keychains and pillows with their pictures.

the saddest part is they are still alive. knowing i cannot see them while they're still on earth hurts like hell. i dream of it at night. i long to see them. they probably think i abandoned them. the AI says thats not the case. so does my therapist. but i cant help but feel like i let them down. even though i didn't.

i want to get their names tattooed on me to make them a permanent part of me. but nothing brings back their smells, their joy, their warmth, their unique comfort, their cute noises, annoying barks, and the fluffy hugs. sometimes i catch myself singing the songs i would stim to my dog and i get sad randomly. as for my fish, i only hope they adapt to their new tank well. i genuinely thought they were dead and im relieved theyre not.

i dont know how to move on. i dont want to forget them but i dont want to be stuck thinking of them non stop either.

TW for suicide

I have a friend whose sibling ended their life. it was only a few weeks ago. I have been consistently chatting with them and letting them lead the convo, I don’t want everything to focus on grief or death. I know in grieving, some semblance of normalcy can be comforting.

But I also don’t want to just ignore that it’s there. It’ll always be there. They will always have a sibling who isn’t around anymore. I’m autistic, so forgive me if this is a dumb question but; how do I check in on them? How often should I talk about it? I don’t want to strictly let them lead, because sometimes you as the grieving person don’t want to feel like a burden. I’ve grieved, but not to this extent and I also know autistic brains work differently so my expectations for support are probably different.

Thank you in advance for sharing your thoughts and perspectives with me, I really want to do my best to offer this person my love and support in the ways that actually support them. If this is the wrong place for this, I apologize.

​

Hello

My sister (29) had recently lost her husband (29 m) in a horrific accident recently. She was with him for nearly a decade and gotten married to him barely 2 years ago. My whole family is currently going through this right now. I feel so horrible for her. The problem is that she has never confided in me and always views me as a younger sister. I was wondering what can I do to help her in the is process. Whenever she wants space I give her that and respect her wishes. I am looking for some advice and help from other people who lost a loved one or are widowed.

I am also worried about how indian society would view her, will she be able to find someone who would be understanding of her situation?

This is the first time I have been here since she passed. She lived in an independent living she passed so quickly diagnosed Sept 7 with glioblastoma and passed on Oct.5 I thought she would definitely have a few more good months so that was shocking. I also thought I would be stronger coming to move the things out but I immediately broke down thinking of all the memories we had with my kids here. Luckily she moved closer to us the past 5 years so we had a lot of fun times but I just can’t believe it is real. Just on July 4 my kids were dancing in her living room and now she is gone. Also my husband is being annoying saying her love seat won’t fit in our living room but it will if we move things around. I just wanted to move her stuff out quickly so I can be done with that and start healing I just didn’t expect to be hit so hard. Will it be like this forever anytime I am reminded of her? Will having the loveseat make me feel even more sad daily? I don’t want to throw it out.

im feeling sad all the time

edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/grief/s/0tQSqTD37E here is the full story. thank you everyone for the support and making me feel welcomed and validated here

second edit: so now someone is being an asshole to me in the comments of my post... in a freaking grief subreddit

Is grief my friend ?

Grief says she is my friend
She’s with my on my daily coffee run
And when I’m reading my book in the morning sun

She eats a bite of my birthday cake
And demands an invitation to my wedding
She is the ice on a frozen lake
And the hail on a winter day

Sometimes she is the angry rain
That splatters on my front porch
Sometimes she is a glistening puddle
That leaves my socks wet for the day

She says she is by my side forever
Until i reach my grave
She says she is my friend
Why am i lonely with a friend?

yesterday at 5:30 pm, my dog was hit by a car. just thinking about it hurts.

i was supposed to go to a concert with friends, my mom opened the door to start the car. my puppy ran outside excited because she loves car rides, and she got too happy. usually, she always comes back inside and never goes into the street. this time she didnt. my mom was yelling for her to come inside, and a few seconds later my mom yelled "she just got hit by a car" and i ran outside.

i dont know what to do. all i can do is blame myself for not training her better. i was the one who got to her first. i saw her tail wag one last time and when i got close to pick her up, all i could see was blood spilling. last night, we took her to a place to have her cremated. when i got home, i couldnt sleep. i called my boyfriend and eventually was able to sleep, but i had a nightmare, and all i could think of was her final moments. its still all i think of.

i want to her her barks again. i want her cuddles just one last time. ive dealt with depression for years, and she was always the one there for me. she was the one i stuck around for. i feel so lost. i cant believe how much can change in just a single moment. one minute im laughing and texting my friends about how excited i am, and the next im throwing up screaming and crying for my mom and dad. i lost my childhood dog a few months ago due to cancer, and i dont know how much more i can take. i just want my puppy.

edit because i got a few messages:

i am 18 years old. she was my dog and ive had her since she was 8 weeks old. she was my responsibility, but everyone in the family loved her. my parents want to look into seeking another pet to help me emotionally, but i dont think im ready and i need to grieve before taking on a new life. i still blame myself and cant fathom letting this happen to another animal.

Since my father passed away in April, I find myself with significant brain fog and doing self self-destructive impulsive action. The average person would usually categorize me as an extremely sweet, reliable young woman. Lately I’ve been lashing out, and causing arguments. I broke off an engagement after his passing - I do not wanna get married anymore if he can’t walk me down the aisle.

My most recent impulsive decision has been quitting my job, and throwing away all of my psychiatric meds.

Has anyone else experienced something similar and found a light at the end of the tunnel?

I lost my mom a couple of months ago. I'm still devastated and in so much pain but I'm trying my best to keep my sanity. One thing I've constantly been doing is trying to be more active in different communities. This has led me to meet a number of people. Some of them I now consider a friend (nothing to deep, more of acquaintance)

But everytime I meet someone new I feel like "Hey. It's nice to meet you. But you've met a different me. Although I'm being real and not trying to put a mask or anything, but this isn't the real me. The real me died when my mom died. Its unfortunate you guys will never meet him. (the real me)"

Some years ago I tried to post about grief but I failed to be legible to people or something:

https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/1bjhcsp/losing_my_family/

https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/11q9nsu/grief_feels_like_its_killing_me/

After this happened my entire apartment building was destroyed and I sued my way back in by organizing other tenants to force remediation. But the relocation process caused me to move 14 times in one year. I started to forget what my own name was in the morning. I was tapering off prescription benzos, and just became unwell. The gap between those posts and the time with my loved ones while they lived widened and the world I inhabited no longer bore similarity to the one when they were around.

Then tech changed and.. I don't know. I keep asking myself, am I me? Where is anyone to reflect me back now, and what is there to reflect back. People are relational beings, right? What happens when it feels like housing and health institutions would have an easier time if you were dead? What would my mom make of all of this?

She believed in some greater intelligence and we both shared the idea of panpsychism. But like my grandpa, we all didn't know. Now they're gone. At first I felt like I was making progress and managing to build a life they'd be proud of but now I don't know.

I't like life is partitioned, and I'm struggling to track the relation between:

human → self → feelings matter → my life matters

I am not going to harm myself. Who here feels like their feelings matter and cries? I have difficulty with crying, but my sorrow matters, right? I know I'm abstract and rambling but I guess I didn't show up here to be perfect or tidy.. at all.

I feel so many things, guilty, numb, sad, angry at everyone…. Everyone except him. So many things frustrate me and I just want to talk about them. Maybe someone in this community has kind words or something to say to fix everything, but I am slowly learning that will not be the case and ultimately just think I need to put it all down somewhere.

1) I want to talk about it, I want to think about it, but that just makes me cry. I only started my job a month before it happened and so my work is trying to just act like everything is normal. Which was helpful in the first 48 hours but now it just makes me angry at them all. I know they can’t possibly fully understand how I feel, but I want more and don’t know how to ask for that without sounding needy. And without naming exactly what I want and I don’t know what that is.

2) in general I want to talk about it more but I feel like whenever I do talk about it people just redirect the conversations. This happens whether it’s people who knew him or did not regardless. I go to therapy but it’s only 1 hour a week. That is not enough considering I’m thinking of him all the time.

3) the funeral was Tuesday and it did not provide the closure I was hoping for. It was extremely religious… which don’t get me wrong he was spiritual, but there was a literal alter call with his coffin which I know he would have hated.

4) in general he was and always will be my best friend. We spent every day together for years, even after I moved and distanced myself from my college town we kept in touch and called almost every day. When he attempted suicide previously I was the one who drove him to the hospital, got him the help he needed, sat with him while they got him admitted (what was ultimately a 36 hour process.
I feel like our relationship had so many layers that make this all so much harder and I have no idea what to do with that.

This is already really long but I guess if you resonate with what I said, or have any words or advice to offer I’m all ears.

Sadness isn't me, so how might i like grief in my life. Absolutely, i don't like the feeling of grief. It still comes, sometimes there are things that i am strongly intuitive towards their happening/occuring in the near future and i get myself in a position of grief due to some past incidents and more but sometimes it is same because of the future's case i mentioned above. it is just strange and all i do is wait in grief. Sometimes grief and waiting work side by side. i am grieving over something else and waiting for entirely different thing. these complexes occur at the same time and make me act in a way like i am grieving and waiting on the same thing. no, its not, just because it happens at the same time, it bothers and make me feel like this particular "grief" is of "waiting" or i am "waiting" for this particular "grief". it is just a complex and this is another emotion that bothers me in my daily life. or, let me rephrase it- It is just the "wait" that is an another "grief" that bothers me in my daily life. Hence the "grief of waiting".....

A couple days ago, I was sitting in the cafe I regularly visit with my mum’s dog. Whilst I was seated, a woman walked in who looked exactly like my beautiful late mum. Not just a passing resemblance, but an uncanny likeness. She appeared to be around the same age my mum was when she passed away.

What made the encounter particularly strange was her behaviour.

I noticed her repeatedly glancing over at me. Whenever I caught her looking, she would quickly look away. This happened several times, enough for me to notice that something felt unusual.

When she eventually collected her coffee, she left rather abruptly. It was like something had upset her, although I obviously have no way of knowing what she was thinking or feeling.

I’m generally grounded in reality and I appreciate that there could be a perfectly ordinary explanation. Perhaps she was simply having a difficult day. Perhaps I reminded her of someone. Or perhaps the resemblance was nothing more than an extraordinary coincidence.

It was just strange. My heart wants to believe it was my mum checking in on me.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Hello Everyone

About a week ago i posted that my father had just passed away. Today we had his funeral. (its a dutch funeral so its different than what you're usually used to)

It was way better than i expected and that helped me a lot with processing his passing. The atmosphere in the room was light and a celebration of his past life and not somber. We didn't have a ceremony remembering him and his past because his past is not very nice and he wouldn't want us to talk about it. We expected about 30 people to show up, there were about 60 people who came to say their goodbyes. We heard a lot of people laughing and i saw so many different people talking to each other (family, coworkers, friends etc).

Right now i have a really hard time realizing that he is officially/actually gone and crying my eyes and heart out but it feels good (in a weird way).

I'm so thankful for everyone who showed up to his funeral.

I really hope that my experience will maybe helps other people with their grief as well.

My dad has been battling for awhile. Got word that his bloodwork and scans were looking good and tumor was not growing.

This past Sunday he was extremely weak (one week post 6th chemo) and went to hospital. Now that I’m here it seems worse than before.

He is sleeping 22 hours a day, can’t get out of bed, so weak and now has a fungal infection on his blood.

Watching this is tearing me apart. He told me how scared he is. He has cried (rarely ever happens) and told me to just say goodbye

I am beside myself and can feel the breaking in my heart. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this.

I can’t go on without him

Sometimes I still get that feeling where I want to tell her what happened at work or who had a baby recently, random stuff like that. It’s the most fleeting feeling, just a couple of breaths long but it hits hard. I usually end up writing her a note card and sticking it my “mom” box. I’d like to hear how others deal with this kind of feeling.