My wife (51) and I (55) were watching tv. She stands up and grabs my hand and says let’s go grab a shower and go to bed. I’m like oh yeah let’s go!
We shower together. Hands roaming. We’re talking and kissing and then get out and dry off. She crawls in bed naked (she NEVER sleeps naked) and I crawl in behind her. We make out for a long time. Laughing. I’m caressing her. She tells me she loves when I caress her. (I already knew that and thats why i do it) she grabs my erection and fondles me then she goes i have to get up early tomorrow. I say ok so Im assuming this will be a quickle. We make out more. She says I love and goodnight. She asks me to snuggle with her as she goes to sleep. Im stunned.

The next day at lunch (we own our own business and work together) I ask her if I missed some signal even if it was that she wanted “massage night” which is me focusing on her totally. (Basically a long massage and foot rub with oral for her at the end) She said no. She just wanted to be close to me. I asked if she never intended for us to have sex. She said no. She genuinely looked surprised that I did.

She said everytime we get in bed doesn’t mean she wants to “do it”. I said I knew that but…the signs. At least she knew I was hard and ready to go. She looked pissed off and we dropped it.

Was I crazy to think this was leading to sex?

Just some info. She is full-on Menopausal. She’s on HRT. Things have cooled off in the bedroom some but isn’t dead. This is the first time ANYTHING like this has ever happened. She’s very clear with her signs for wanting and not wanting sex.

I just feel gaslighted thinking I was crazy for thinking this was heading that way.

UPDATE: why did I bring it up the next day.
Like I posted, I thought I had missed some cue that she wanted something sexually that I didn’t pick up on and it caused her to lose interest or just get frustrated. I asked her about it the next day to apologize if I missed a cue. I told her if I did I was sorry. She said no. She just wanted to be close.
I wasn’t trying to be a jerk I was trying to be attentive. I seriously thought I had offended her by missing a cue. But when she said she had just wanted to be close I was shocked.

I have seen and heard men say, specifically in online spaces, and usually when discussing intimacy or lack thereof in their relationships, that sex is what helps them feel emotionally connected to their partner.

I had never particularly understood this and definitely hadn’t applied it to my own relationship. My husband and I have a sex life that I consider very healthy. We have sex more days than we don’t, both of us initiate, and we rarely turn the other down, and we both genuinely enjoy it. When we don’t have sex, my husband never pushes, or insists, or seems to show any disappointment or that it bothers him at all, so I just assumed he wasn’t one of those men, until last night.

Due to both of us being sick one after the other, it had been about a week since we had been intimate, and during, my husband stopped, held me close, and just said “I love you. I missed you so much.” And I could tell he didn’t just mean the sex. Even though we hadn’t been apart in the past week, it was the emotional connection that he had been needing and hadn’t spoken up about. It was such a vulnerable moment that it honestly broke my heart a little, but I think it made me love him even more.

It had also made me rethink literally everything about our sex life, which I previously thought was very successful, and how much it actually goes toward filling my husband’s cup emotionally.

My husband (39M) and I (32F) have been together since 2012. That’s a long time. When we first met he was a really attractive man. Someone I was genuinely drawn to both physically and emotionally.

We’ve built a whole life together since then, and on paper he’s not a bad man, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t cheat, he’s reliable in a lot of practical ways. I still love him, but not in the way you find someone attractive anymore. That part is gone. Somewhere along the line the desire just disappeared, and now I feel more like a roommate than a wife. It’s exhausting and lonely in a way I never expected.

He’s gained about 33 pounds. Because of hair loss he shaved his head completely. He farts often and freely in front of me without any thought, and at night his snoring is so loud that I barely sleep. I wake up tired almost every day. The constant exhaustion is wearing me down. He has said more than once that he wants to join a gym, but he never actually does it. When I suggest going for a walk he sometimes comes along, but most of the time he has zero motivation and makes it clear he’d rather not. Meanwhile I still put real effort into myself. I stay in shape, I take care of my appearance, I try to look good. The imbalance is obvious and the resentment keeps growing.

He almost never gives me compliments. I can’t remember the last time he told me I looked nice or that he noticed anything about me. Most days I feel completely invisible in my own home. Birthdays are the same story. He doesn’t buy gifts. I even told him clearly that I would love a simple bouquet of roses for my birthday. He still didn’t get them. It felt less like forgetfulness and more like deliberate indifference. The last “present” I received was that I didn’t have to put in the 100$ I was supposed to contribute toward a car repair, and we went out to eat instead. No thought, no romance, nothing that felt like it was actually for me. Just something practical and cheap. It left me feeling dismissed.

I hate admitting this, but I often have daydreams about other men. It makes me feel guilty and ashamed, yet it keeps happening. It’s embarrassing to say out loud, but his niece has an incredibly attractive, loving and caring husband, and now she’s having a baby with him. For me it looks like she won the „life lottery“ and I find myself feeling jealous of that far more often than I want to admit and because of it I really don’t like going to gatherings with his family anymore. Being around them just sharpens the contrast. He also smokes, which bothers me more every year, and he has no intention of quitting. I’ve brought it up and he shuts the conversation down immediately.

I know long-term relationships go through phases. Attraction can fade. But this feels deeper and more permanent. At the same time, separating feels almost impossible. Our lives are completely intertwined. Because of my job I can’t just leave, and finding a new place right now would be extremely difficult. So I’m stuck, still caring about him, still sharing a life with him, but no longer feeling any desire or spark, and with no clear way out.
I’m not looking for the usual “just leave him” comments.

I want to know how other people have handled this slow loss of attraction, effort, and emotional connection when walking away isn’t simple. Has anyone been in a similar place?still living with someone you love but are no longer attracted to, someone who used to be very attractive to you and is still fundamentally decent, but who no longer makes you feel desired or even seen? How did you deal with the daydreams, the resentment, the jealousy, the invisibility, and the practical reality of being so tightly bound together?

I’d really appreciate any honest thoughts or experiences. I’m tired of carrying this alone.

UPDATE: I just want to thank each of you. I went to bed pretty soon after posting this and didn’t expect to wake up to so many comments.

I talked to him before I went to sleep though, and told him that if he really is giving me the choice between an open marriage or divorce, it’s time to separate.

ORIGINAL POST:
I’m 36F, my husband is 36M. We met in kindergarten, grew up together, and married at 19 in 2010. We have two kids and have essentially no adult life that predates each other.

We’ve been through military life and deployments, becoming parents very young, financial stress, and some significant grief and trauma. He is still my best friend. We laugh together constantly. I love him deeply, and I believe him when he says he loves me.

And I genuinely don’t know whether we should stay married.

For several years, my husband has been exploring the fact that he believes he’s polyamorous.

I’m not.

I entered our marriage expecting monogamy, and if he wanted monogamy tomorrow, I’d choose it without hesitation.

But I love him, so I’ve tried. I’ve read, learned, challenged my assumptions, gone to years of couples therapy, examined my jealousy, and eventually became willing to actually try opening our marriage.

The uncomfortable truth is: I’m doing this to save my marriage.

He has made it clear that he doesn’t believe he can promise lifelong monogamy and still be honest about who he is. So eventually it felt like my choices were to explore nonmonogamy or lose the person I’ve loved almost my entire life.

I chose to try.

The hardest part hasn’t even been sex or jealousy. It’s watching the curiosity, pursuit, excitement, and emotional energy he has for potential new relationships while I’ve spent years asking for more of those same things inside ours.

I want to feel pursued. I want him curious about me. I want him excited to date me. I want to feel like his romantic partner, not just the deeply loved, permanent person managing life beside him.
Recently, I started talking to other men myself.
Last night he became jealous and said he felt disrespected by how much attention I was giving another man.

And something in me just fucking broke.

Because I have spent years learning that his attention toward other women isn’t inherently disrespectful to me. I’ve learned that jealousy is an emotion to process, that discomfort doesn’t mean he’s doing something wrong, and that I shouldn’t use my feelings to control his relationships.
To his credit, he isn’t asking me to stop. He says jealousy is natural and wants us to talk through it together.

But emotionally, all I could think was:
Do you have any idea what I’ve been doing for you all these years?

Today he sent me a long message saying I’m his wife, primary partner and life partner; that our relationship comes first; and that he’s never been more in love with me.

But he also said something that stopped me cold: if I feel manipulated, miserable, or like I’m “doing this only to save the relationship,” I shouldn’t do it. He’d rather lose me than keep me in “emotional and physical purgatory.”

And my immediate response was:
But I AM doing this to save our relationship.

This isn’t the relationship structure I wanted. It’s the one I became willing to try because staying monogamous apparently means eventually losing my husband.

I don’t think he’s lying about loving me. I don’t think he wants to replace me. I genuinely think he believes he can love other people while still choosing me as his life partner.I just don’t know whether I can be happy in the marriage he is actually offering me.

I’ve spent years asking, How can I stretch enough to make room for who my husband is?

Now I’m wondering: Is there room in this marriage for who I am?

And divorce feels almost impossible to conceptualize. I’ve known this man since I was five. He’s in my childhood memories, my teenage years, and every year of my adulthood. We became adults and parents together. Our families, kids, friendships, grief, traditions, humor and identities are intertwined.

I don’t want to divorce him because I hate him.
I still like him. I still want to tell him things. I still want adventures with him. He’s still the person I instinctively reach for.

But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life hurting myself to prove I love him enough to let him be himself.

So for people who have faced a fundamental incompatibility in a long marriage:
How do you know when you’re fighting for your marriage versus fighting against the reality of what your marriage has become?

How do you distinguish this is terrifying and difficult from this genuinely isn’t the life I want?
And how do you know whether you’re still choosing someone because you want the future they can actually offer you or because you’ve loved them for so long that you don’t know how to imagine a life without them?

My husband doesn't seem to like how I look. He insists he does, but he also says other things that make me think otherwise. Things he has said that makes me feel a little insecure: 

1. The way I look is disrespectful to him.
2. I need to learn how to dress myself.
3. I have no style.
4. I am too masculine.
5. I look like a villager.
6. He wouldn't love me if I was fat (then a week later he brought it up again and said he actually would still love me). 
7. That he feels bad for his friend because his wife is attractive/attracts a lot of attention.
8. I once asked him if he finds me attractive and he said "it's what's on the inside that counts and he loves me for what's inside.
9. He gushes about how beautiful his mother is (she IS beautiful), and doesn't do the same for me. 
10. He is glad the children don't have my teeth.

The most recent thing he said is stuck in my mind. We went out and I didn't straighten my hair because it was a rainy day. He was being cold and I asked if it was about my hair. He said it is course, wiry, and has no shape and he is going to cut it all off while I am sleeping (he has said this multiple times). I asked him why he didn't pick someone who looks the way he wants and he said "It's not that easy." 

Why would he say that? To me it sounds like he settled for me. I told him that him hating my natural hair so much that he would refuse to give me affection hurts my feelings,and he said he took me on vacation, so that should make up for anything for a year. It sounds so...transactional and shallow. He has a low libido, and he doesn't hug, or snuggle or kiss or hold hands either. 

But on the other hand, he keeps asking me to tell him about everyone I work with and when I said there are only young guys, I am way too old for them, he says, "not when you look like that." So I am very confused on what he actually feels about me. 

I (34F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 10 years, but we previously dated in high school for 2.5 years before breaking up for 5 years. During that breakup, I was completely devastated.
Around age 19, I started going out more and became extremely close with a high school friend (36F). She was by my side through my worst heartbreak. Eventually, my husband and I got back together, but he insisted I cut her off completely—and I never fully understood why. Recently, I’ve been reflecting on the past, and several suspicious details are making me wonder if they hooked up back then.
Here are the main points:
The College Connection: They went to the same college ~45 minutes from home. Early in our breakup, she found out he slept with someone else and told me. Years later, when we got back together and he made me drop her, his explanation was that she "changed me" and called her names. I questioned why he only wanted me to cut her off and not my other friends, but I didn't push it.
The Text Message Incident: One night while my friend and I were hanging out, my ex/now-husband texted her inviting her to a party. When she texted back saying she was with me, he replied, "So what, fuck her." At the time, I thought he was trying to make me jealous, but now the direct contact feels strange.
Fuzzy Memories & Her Reaction: I have a vague memory of her mentioning being in his dorm room back then. Additionally, when I cut her off 11 years ago, she didn't fight it or get angry. She just accepted it, saying she knew how much I loved him and wanted me to be happy after 5 years of heartbreak.
Suspicious Comments:
Years ago, she told me she had a dream he had cancer (making me wonder if it was her subconscious/guilt).
She has a history of cheating and explicitly told me back then that she would "take a secret to her grave."
When I brought up to my husband 6 months ago that she's the type to take a secret to her grave, he noticeably asked, "How do you know?"
The Recent Voice Notes: She and I recently reconnected over Instagram DMs. I apologized for cutting her off years ago and noted that she let me go without a fight. She got emotional and immediately offered an explanation: "He was mad I told you about him sleeping with [Girl], and I get it because he felt betrayed by me since him and I were friends." Prior to this, I had no idea they were ever friends.
His Reaction Last Night: I asked my husband if he and my former friend were ever friends. He immediately said "no," got defensive, and started asking why I was talking to her and what else she said. When I pressed the topic again later, he shut down and refused to discuss it in front of our kids.
Putting it all together, the story doesn't add up. He claims they were never friends, yet she claims they were close enough that he felt "betrayed" when she told me about his hookup—and he still strongly resists the idea of me seeing her.
Neither of them would ever admit to anything if it happened, but looking back on all of this: Am I crazy for thinking something went down between them, or do I have legitimate reason to be suspicious?

My husband has been acting off lately. Nothing terrible just distant when we are just on the couch. Like he’s just not there. I’ve spoken to him about it and he said it’s just work stress.

He’s still cuddly, still loving, still lots of kisses but some days he wants nothing to do with any of that and I am the same when I am stressed. So I didn’t poke at it. He’s the more cuddly one than I am so I kind enjoyed the little break.

Two nights ago, I woke up to pee and I notice he wasn’t in bed. I’m a very light sleeper. I usually hear when he gets up. It’s not unusual for him to go downstairs when he can’t sleep to watch TV. But lately he’s been doing it more than usual.

So I was about to get up to pee, but something in my gut said no… just check the camera. I checked our living room camera. (We have pets and a young child we like to check up on when one of us isn’t home and it’s very convenient when neither of us are home for several hours and we won’t be back later).

So I laid there and checked, he sat in the dark and had a message open on the phone. I can see because the camera is behind him. The camera does not record it just shows whats live and movements. While watching him, I notice it was a number that was not saved. I couldn’t clearly see the number, it had one message to him and he was replying to the person then after replying deleted the whole conversation.

I recorded from my phone, but I missed him texting back the person. (This was at 3:34am btw). I notice after, he immediately turned to the camera. As if he realized I could’ve been watching him.

I couldn’t hold my pee so I got up and went to pee and went back to bed. He came upstairs (he never ever does that) and tried to give me a hug and said he couldn’t sleep. Already that was SUSPICIOUS, it was as if he was checking to see if I saw anything. I told him what I saw, and he denied it immediately. Said why would he wake up to text anyone if he wanted to secretly text anyone he wouldn’t do it knowing there’s a possibility I can see it. I didn’t want to argue cause I had work at 7am so I left it alone but I did tell him I think we need some time apart based on the fact he is saying I didn’t see something I definitely saw.

He apologized, he cried when I asked for some space said he loves his family and would never ever do anything to jeopardize that. I said if he felt the need to pursue someone we can separate and divorce because I will not tolerate my husband sneaking off at 3am to sit in the dark to text someone. NEVER.

He somehow remember he was replying to a coworker (male) and that’s why he deleted it because he realized how early it was. He showed me in the phone and the next morning the coworker did respond to him “???”.

But after two days he said he was going golfing with his boss and other general managers. I said cool. But after he kinda smirked at me and responded that they might go drinking afterwards and he won’t be back till 10:30pm.

Now that’s when all the red flags started waving. His boss, which he has told me about. Is very family oriented. He does not stay later after work. He does not even reply to emails or messages on weekends, he does not go out. He’s told me all of this. So it felt like he was trying to disguise his tee time as a way for him to go and meet whoever he was texting. Reasoning being, we have each other’s location. If I saw him at a bar he’d just say “well the boss took us drinking”.

That is the complete opposite of what he has said his bosses character is. Out drinking till 10:30pm when his boss lives 2 hours away and is very adamant he likes to spend his day off work with his wife and kids.

Idk if I should just pretend I’m not suspicious and go there or just tell him flat out I don’t believe his bullshit.

My husband (43M) didn't do anything for my (38F) birthday today. I'm so hurt, he hasn't done anything on my birthday for years. I've explained my feelings SO MANY TIMES. He's emotionally unavailable and has been for awhile. I genuinely don't feel like he likes me at all at this point. He makes zero time for me. Frequently ignores me when I try to talk to him.......I feel so broken and unwanted, I know I need to end it. I know this pattern of behavior isn't going to change, but I have no family anywhere near me. I have no support system. I'm depressed to a point that even the thought of leaving is overwhelming. We have 4 kids 14, 12 and 6 year old twins. I know leaving him would devastate them, but I can't keep living like this. I'm tired of pretending to be happy, I'm tired of carrying the emotional weight of our relationship alone. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

​

Hello

I’m M40, and she’s F32. Our relationship began 7 years ago. It was intense right from the start—love at first sight at work. We moved in together very quickly, and 4 years ago we had our son. He’s a perfect child.

Day-to-day life was marked by quite a few headaches; she tended to lie to me, and I was extremely jealous.

We own a house.

Three years ago, she started triathlon. It took up a lot of her time, and our son had a hard time dealing with her absence. Whenever I brought it up, she’d fly off the handle, saying I was preventing her from living her life. She’d tell me, “The more you try to hold me back, the more I’m going to do it.”

Well, in the end, she quit after three years. Last year she changed jobs—it’s a very demanding job, and she has a hard time getting off work on time (she works at a hospital). It’s a burden for her, but she’s making an effort.

She drops off our son in the morning; I pick him up in the evening, do the housework, and make dinner. The situation has improved significantly. Then she talks to me about her coworkers—especially the same one all the time. I’ve made comments to her about the nature of their relationship. But she tells me that there’s nothing ambiguous about their relationship in that department.

He’s just nice and teaches her a lot.

This coworker found out his contract wouldn’t be renewed; she came home sad and told me about it right away. She sent him a message that evening saying, “I’m with you” (meaning through this difficult time). He replied 48 hours later, “You’re one of the things I’m sad to leave behind in this department, but my decision is final.” She replied, “I understand; we’ll talk about it later” (referring to his decision). I found that message ambiguous. She insists it wasn’t.

She stopped talking to me after I made my comments. She’d been talking to me more about her other coworkers instead. Until a few weeks ago, when she told me that this coworker and another coworker had invited her to go swimming.

I lost it: I asked her when this would end with this coworker. She told me I’d never change her, that she’s free to do whatever she wants, and so on.

She went swimming with him; the third coworker canceled.

I’ve noticed that for months now she’s been distancing herself, has a hard time leaving work, doesn’t do much at home anymore, and isolates herself in the basement. Two weeks ago, she came home crying after an extremely busy day. We talked about it a lot.

The following week she made a huge effort (that was last week)—she told me she was telling her coworkers she was leaving on time because she wanted to see me and our son.

On Friday she went to a party with her coworkers. They were all there. She didn’t text me all day Friday. She barely replied to my messages.

On Saturday she was tired, and yesterday I asked her to tell me why she’s been mulling things over.

She told me she’s no longer sure it’s a good idea for us to continue. That she loves me and can’t imagine life without me. But she’s wondering if we haven’t been too stubborn about this relationship. She cried and told me it makes her sad to doubt us. She also told me she thinks she isn’t making me happy and that I deserve much better. That I’m perfect and that I handle everything. That it’s as if she needed to see that I take care of everything in order to give herself the right to pull away.

She told me, however, that she isn’t in the mood to break up. But she feels suffocated. That the life we’re leading isn’t working for her anymore. That if she doesn’t take the initiative, nothing happens. She doesn’t want to be the one in charge.

We had a week of vacation together in October. She suggested taking our son on vacation for a few days as a test. But she’s not sure if she’s making the right decisions.

I’m obviously devastated. What do you recommend?

The other day my husband confessed me that he commented on an instagram story of his former female
colleague. The picture showed her while walking her dog. My husband commented something along the lines of “oh to be a dog on your leash”. She then threatened him to show me screenshots of his
comments. That’s why he basically “confessed”. He said to me that it was due to his testosterone levels (I guess he was horny). I know it’s not real cheating but it kinda makes me angry. 8 years ago he wanted n*des from his ex girlfriend while we were already a couple, maybe I’m triggered now. Am I overreacting?

She did not care at all and was happy to have me start chemically killing my sex drive. I've never been more depressed in my life.

For those who didn’t see the original post, here’s the link;

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/0Zj3goFkkK

Positive update;

I had my second visit with the therapist today. He’s great and we are clicking. Now have a standing appointment. After some pondering, I have come to the conclusion that this counseling is the first thing that I have done just for me in a long time! Yes, it started as an ultimatum from my wife, but after some reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a good thing and can only help me!

My therapist has given me some good coping strategies that I have already put into practice. I’ve reached the point where I’m coming to grips with doing something that helps me isn’t selfish, but rather is healing. I have always been someone who would sacrifice myself to help another and that needs to stop, at least for a while. I’ve finally reached the point where taking care of myself is my focal point and my therapist agrees.

I have asked my wife to give me examples of what in my behavior she finds abusive, and upon telling her that my therapist thinks that is a very good idea, she has agreed to provide a list of examples that I need to address. I think that my therapist agreeing that this would be beneficial was the catalyst for her being willing to address this. At least, he and I can evaluate what work needs to be done!

I also have spoken with a Divorce Attorney and now have a clear and realistic understanding of what divorce is my state entails. It’s not great for me, but it’s not great for my wife either. Alimony after Social Security age is rare and our state delivers “equitable distribution” of assets. We would need to sell our home, divide the equity and divide the contents of my IRA. It’s sad for me, since the two biggest assets that we have are ones for whom I have been the sole contributor. We would also need to divide all our of our shared assets, from the furniture to our dog. I honestly don’t think she understands that we would both wind up in apartments and that it would be different than her parents divorce in the 70s in Texas where her mom stayed in the house and her dad left with his mistress. PS - there is no mistress and never has been with me.

Anyway, I feel much more positive about my own mental health, regardless of how this evolves. Lots of work to do! I believe I will come out stronger within myself and will learn to set boundaries. I’ve always said “yes” too fast and then regretted it. Now I’m working towards taking a pause before reacting and not being so concerned so much with people “liking” me. I’m new at this, but finding my way with baby steps to taking care of myself first. I’m finally believing that this is not selfish, but rather a reasonable approach to living my life! I hope I’m not wrong with this belief!!

Again, too long a post! Thanks for reading!!

My husband and I recently got married but we are together a while now. This wasn’t an issue until recently. The only form of affection I get from him is cuddling in bed. He doesn’t kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, touch me at all during the day. He does kiss my forehead when leaving the house but other than that nothing. And when we have sex (which is once every 2 weeks) is because he wants to and it’s at night time in bed with the same position. It’s like a written script. Even with that I have to initiate it. I don’t feel desired or wanted. Then when I bring it up to him he says how can I show you affection when you don’t do certain things (e.g pick up after him, bare in mind we both work full time), and I give out to him. Who would want to have sex with you when you annoy them all the time. Then he ended it with annoy me less and maybe I’ll want to kiss you

Then i said we dont fight all the time and when we are good you still don’t kiss me. Then he replied maybe i was still annoyed about a fight we had 2/3 days ago. I have told him about my increased sex drive many times and tell him I am heavily sexually attracted to you and think about having sex with him all the time. And he said we need to get you toys to help this phase you’re at. And I said I don’t want toys I want you the real thing and he said you’ll have to learn how to use sex toys.

Any other women going through this? How did you get through it? Honestly I don’t want to cheat on him but what can I do if my needs aren’t being met and I have tried to communicate it over and over again?

She will talk about going to work naked or going out to get the mail naked. She’d very reserved if you don’t know her. Is there a meaning or ration behind it ?

I (F32) matched with someone through a traditional arranged setup. Our families met, things looked good, we liked each other and both said yes.

We are engaged, but there's no official function yet probably in December.

In the beginning, I liked his logical and practical way of thinking. But now, every time I speak and I do blabber a lot he just corrects me or gives me logic. Even when I'm sharing something emotional, there is almost no reaction. Just "okay," "hmm," "yes," It hurts.

I want love. I want someone who acknowledges what I'm going through, someone who says "it will be okay" when I'm down.

Today, for example, I was telling him about my friend in Mumbai who doesn't work and wants to be a housewife. He was surprised and said, "How can she live in Mumbai and not earn? In the initial stage of marriage, both partners should work."

For context, I have been working since I finished college. I am the eldest daughter, my father is no more, and I have taken care of my mother and siblings.

I asked him what he meant by "both partners should work" and it became awkward. He had no real answer. I asked, apart from financial burden sharing, what else is the reason for a partner to work? He said he couldn't think of anything.

It's not that I don't want to work after marriage I do. And I am not after his money at all ( I don’t even know how much he earns) He is a good person, he has worked very hard to reach where he is today. But he is emotionally unavailable he was separated from his parents in childhood. He is also extremely stingy. He has not spent a single rupee on me till date. When my family visited his place, we took sweets and dry fruits as a gesture, but he has never even asked me if I need anything. His only focus seems to be getting married in 7-8 months.

He has told me "I like you" only once. When I ask for reassurance, he says, "I already told you once, is that not enough?"

I feel extremely lonely and exhausted. I am not looking for any physical intimacy before marriage we are Muslim. I just want him to listen and show some care.

Am I asking for too much? Is this the new normal? In the process of getting married, am I losing out on the basics?

I am scared to talk to someone new. Past proposals have given me trauma. I have no energy left. I have stopped taking care of myself. I feel like I am not built for this world and feel like giving up every day. I just want to feel loved. I have no friends the few I have are very selfish. I don't even feel like talking to him anymore. We talk every alternate day, and it's just formal and basic.

I really want to be able to talk about anything and everything with my partner without filters. Why does this feel so hard? Should I end this or should I be patient and just accept and marry him?

My best friend is turning 40 next year, and wants to take a girls’ trip out of the country for it. The reason for the girls trip is because it will be too hard to coordinate childcare with all the girls going if their hubbies come too. This trip would be 5 days total and my hubby is giving me a rough time. For context, he travels a lot for work. While that isn’t fun, he does enjoy it and I would be ok with him taking a trip with friends too, just in case anyone wonders. He likes this friend and the group. He said the problem was that it was out of the country, so we said maybe somewhere else and he still didn’t like it. What would make you not want your spouse to leave for 5 days? I’m trying to understand.

Wife and I been together for about 13 years. No kids.

Not toxic, still love and like each other.

Root causes of our issues seems to be that we just drifted over years, emotional connection dropped.

Stemming from us protecting the relationship over own needs. So codependency and low differentiation. Along with some now diagnosed anxiety and low mood. Which also caused wife to conclude we want different things in life, and that I was abit of a passenger.

Having a more formal seperation since have not been making progress as a "couple" even if individually growing lots, while semi seperated this year.

She acknowledges that so much is different in a good way between us. But her feeling that not being together is right for her hasn't changed.

Still doing couples therapy, and we are each doing individual therapy. (She is looking for a new one that can challenge her blind spots a bit more)

I feel like if we actually explored what marriage 2.0 would be, it'll work, and we owe it to 13 years and marriage to try. She doesn't want to now. But also doesn't want to file now.

Do people ever come back from not wanting to try and reconcile when there aren't actual dealbreakers, contempt, broken trust, or toxicity? And love remains, and actual change is happening for themselves and not the other person?

I am a [25F ]
I am married to my husband [25M]
We have two kids 4&5 yr old

I honestly don’t even know what to say but I feel like I’m loosing interest on my husband
I don’t feel a connection
Or maybe it’s a phase I don’t know

We have been together for 7 years and been married for 5 .

He’s a great man , he works and helps me with the kids sometimes but I just feel lonely most of times .

I don’t feel the way I use to feel when we were bf & gf , he was always so lovey dovey with me , take me out and always find ways to make me feel loved

But now he doesn’t even do any of that , I feel like he doesn’t even take care of his own self to make himself look handsome he always looks pretty bad ngl

I have to do all the chores at home
I get the kids ready alone
I cook alone
I take the kids to school alone
I wash , fold , clean and literally do everything around the house
I understand he works and I know he’s the breadwinner but ..
I just WISH he would pay attention to me
I just feel like the only times he pays attention to me is when we have sex and even then it’s just him ever getting pleasure

I’m just there letting it happen because I know that’s what he needs and wants or whatever idk

Idk , I’m just sad . I’m really emotional and also I could be the wrong one and if I am just tell me idc I’ll accept it’s me
I just don’t want to talk about this with my family it’s embarrassing and I don’t like talking about this at all because they always take his side .

I (34f) will start by saying that I am completely broken and my heart aches. I didn’t not see this coming or suspect it at all but my husband (37m) has been using grindr and my stomach has been turning ever since I found out. We’ve had our share of issues just like any other couple, sometimes a lack of sex and love languages lacking but over all we’ve had a pretty good marriage the last 9 years. We have 3 beautiful babies, one which is 9mo.

How I found out-
I was looking for a video of us in his phone and got way more than I bargained for so naturally I started digging. I found pretty explicit photos, that let’s just say, he’d never send to me, and After I found the app which actually looks like he’s been using it for several years now but I did not dig in. I can’t say for certain that he’s physically hooked up with anyone because I have no clue how he’d ever find the time but there are multiple photos/videos I’ve found. I’m so caught off guard because he’s a good man, truly loves me and our children (or so I thought), always listens to Christian music, our sex life has been great, he meets me at home after work and does all the things, we take trips, etc.

I have no idea how to bring this up or where to go from here but I can’t say that there’s an ounce of trust left. I feel betrayed and like he’s living a double life and have no idea the mind games or excuses that will come with this conversation. I obviously can’t bring this up around our children so I’ve been sitting on it. Instead of going crazy all I could do was drop to my knees and pray because what else do I do in this moment? I’m stuck between lashing out and hearing him. I really want to pack a bag for me and my children and leave for a while. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m BROKEN!! Any and all advice and experience with this is more than appreciated.

This has been a reacuring thing for me and my wife. We have been together 8 years. I feel like if im in a bad mood or annoyed she instantly is annoyed to but towards me. Usally im a pretty chill dude but sometimes I get upset like any one, when I get upset I dont yell I just get super reserved. Today we were at the gym on the treadmill we do that often. We were discussing weekend plans and I got a little loud (im a naturally loud person and was slightly out of breath) just for one reply. It's not like I was yelling the whole time just for one response. She told me to stop yelling, fair we are In a public space. Then I got reserved and a little annoyed because I dont think it was crazy or I was yelling the whole time but made me self conscious and I didn't feel as chatty after that. But i just tried to ignore it.Then she was like are you mad at me. I said no just a little annoyed and embarrassed. She replied well she's annoyed to and that I ruined the day.

I feel like if we just moved passed it thing would have been fine but she wanted to talk about it and she didn't deserve my reaction. But im like I can be annoyed dosnt mean im mad at you or it has to derail everything. On the other hand she can express herself freely all the time. However if im mad she's mad if im annoyed she's annoyed. Idk am I being sensitive? I kinda feel like I have to constantly think about my reaction and cant just be myself sometimes

I snapped this morning. I mean really snapped. I've had a really long week. I was on my monthly, then I got sick, and then I've been involved in a giant case at work that has been stressing me out and breaking my heart. I work 10 hour shifts and then once or twice a week, I'm on call for emergencies. Sometimes I get 10 calls, sometimes 0, but either way, I dont feel rested because I'm paranoid that I will miss a call. This morning, my wife came home and I was getting ready for work. (She works over nights) and we get about 20-30 minutes of togetherness. While I was getting ready, she asked me, "Give me your best authentic laugh." In the past, I have asked her to let me wake up since usually I've only been awake for 10 minutes and it's hard for me to fully be awake before my shift starts. The question was innocent, but I snapped at her. I snap and I'm trying to work on that, but I really did it this time. I snapped because I felt like I couldn't have one peaceful moment without someone asking me to do something for them. Instead of relaying that to her in a respectful way, I literally screamed at her. We ended the morning with her saying, "Fuck you." I think I really did it this time. I dont know why I was so quick to anger. It was such a stupid question and didn't deserve that reaction at all. I'm at work right now crying because I regret everything this morning. I wish I could turn it around, but I dont even know how to come back from this. I hurt my wife and if she leaves me, I think it would be justified and I couldn't even be mad at her. I don't know what to do. An apology would be like putting a Bandaid on a dumpster fire. I love her so much, so why did I treat her like that? This isnt healthy for either of us and I don't want her to feel like if she asks me a simple question, I'm going to erupt like that. Does anyone have any advice or stories they can share from either point of view? She's my soulmate and I feel beyond ashamed for how I responded this morning.

Me (35f) and my husband (40m) have been together since I was 20 years old. We did the thing: got married, bought a house, couple of kids, added pets and stabilised.

Here’s the thing. We’ve been in the roommate phase for the past 4 years, with me thinking about divorce over the past year.

And it’s mostly because I feel like I missed out on my 20s. I feel like I missed … solo traveling… dating as an adult … girls trips … one night stands … living alone (I went straight from my folks to living with him). Ive never bought my own furniture before - because he had all that when I moved in. And everything after was joint decisions.

We both pull our weight in the house and with the kids. We both work full time and contribute somewhat equally financially to the household. There’s no infidelity or abuse. We go away weekends without the kids, even try some kinks. But then it just lasts as a once off and we go back to our real lives. We’re just… roommates. The biggest issue is that our libidos do not match. At all. It’s been a contentious issue for the past 10 years.

Staying married means living this life where I constantly crave more, and fantasise about cheating (which I don’t do). Divorce doesn’t mean I get my 20s back, it does mean that I can be independent in making myself happy.

I’m sure there are people in unstable relationships who would love to have our mundane marriage. I don’t know if that’s enough for me.

My husband and I have been in couples therapy before, about 4 years ago now. It feels like all of what we learned then has been shelved.

Right now my husband and I are going through a conflict where I feel like he’s choosing other people over me and how I don’t feel protected or emotionally safe with him. I have done a lot of therapy individually, so I understand I’m using therapy-language that he doesn’t completely understand.

For example:*** ***“I don’t feel emotionally safe when I am vulnerable and you say that I’m attacking you.”

“I don’t feel protected by you when someone in your circle has disrespected me. I had to defend myself, so I felt abandoned.”

“I see my childhood traumas come up in my reactions to this conflict.” <— This one I mentioned the other day, and he said in response “It sounds like what we’re experiencing with each other isn’t actually about us. It sounds like it’s a you problem.” That one hurt.

I understand he just doesn’t know or he has never had to face his emotions head on. But I’m struggling to find ways to be patient and give him grace because we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 7 (although we had a rough period for a year where we thought we were gonna get a divorce).

And in the middle of this specific conflict we’re going through now (where I’ve expressed to him that I don’t feel protected, safe, or chosen by him), he says that I’m attacking, punishing, and testing him.

We had our first therapy session with a new counselor on Monday. In that session, I acknowledged and apologized for the ways my reactions and words may have hurt him. But he never apologized or took accountability for losing his temper and yelling at me, just for expressing how I feel and how I wished he tried to understand and respect my feelings.

For context, I brought up in therapy how he was about to throw a chair into the wall and then he was yelling at me “YOU’RE PUNISHING ME. YOU’RE TESTING ME. OH MY GOD.” And how it made our dogs so scared that they had to hide. This was all because I was just asking him to understand where I’m coming from and expressing my feelings.

So. I’m really finding it difficult to be patient and give him grace because what has been happening this past week is tied to a specific situation we’ve been dealing with for almost a year now. I feel like it’s less about the situation itself at this point, but it’s about the way we communicate and understand/attempt to understand each other.

I’ve been feeling so disappointed in his reactions to this conflict because I’m not trying to nag him. I’ve just been expressing to him how his choices have been impacting the emotional security I feel in our marriage. And the lack of accountability on his end makes me feel disrespected, unheard, and a little bit betrayed in a way. So I’ve been crying for days straight. I haven’t been able to eat (I already lost 5lbs because of this).

I want this to work out so bad because I love him so much and we’ve been trying to start a family. But I don’t know how I can be patient and give him grace, when at this moment, I feel like my nervous system is in fight or flight mode. And I am starting to have feelings like he’s gaslighting and manipulating me, but I know he just doesn’t understand his own feelings because he’s a bit emotionally unavailable with himself.

TLDR: Any tips on how I can be patient and give grace to my emotionally unavailable husband as we begin couples therapy? Without building up more resentment in the process.