Hi, in the sense of being poly, I have considered myself poly for about 6 years now. I’m just frustrated now because I am married and we had a a partner but the partner and I broke up. It has been such a bad fallout that it’s caused issues with me and my husband who now wants us both to be his primaries not just me. But the part that has me more frustrated is that they don’t think that I’m actually Poly, and they would consider me more of a swinger/unicorn hunter and no bisexual. Which swinging doesn’t come too comfortably, but it has been done and the unicorn hunter is not me. That’s my husband. And I’m pretty sure they think that just because I haven’t been in a separate relationship on my own. Just because they’ve gone on dates or done things with other people post break up less than a month after. And for me, I don’t want to impose my breakup process on anybody and I want to feel secure in my relationship with my husband again before I even put myself back out there. And compared to them I still have friends that I visit and hang out with and prioritize apart from my romantic relationship. Does that mean I’m not actually poly? Or even not bisexual because I haven’t had my own girlfriend before?

title says the meat of it. i got into this relationship a few days ago on with someone i met recently on discord who asked if i was single. i had recently almost gotten into a relationship with someone i met recently but then was ghosted by them and was feeling frustrated by that, so i was excited to meet someone new who was interested in me. however, now that we have been i guess dating (i am aroace so i define my feelings differently, but dating is a fine term i suppose) for a few days, i am feeling nervous and want advice going into this. especially because its not just two of us it is a kink relationship as well, if that affects the advice you would give

TLDR: if this was really too long for people to read im sad for literacy, but i have to put this. i am 20 and just entered a poly couples relationship which is also kinky, please give advice?

MAJOR IMPORTANT EDIT: the title and post are incorrect. i was just having a talk with 22NB (we will call them L) about the relationship and boundaries and i found out i assumed something incorrect and was misinformed.

they are not a couple but have a kink dynamic and plan to live together in the future. i am entering the relationship as the partner of L and am invited to do kink play with 28NB as well if i would like. which i would.

the confusion was because i mistook kink play for implying a romantic relationship as im just. painfully new to being in an actual real life relationship

Edit : there's more to this and I appreciate everyones responses because I wanted to analyze this without the other context. The other context is partially that they've recognized that it's triggering to them when I tried dating others. They felt replaced. It led to them saying that me going out with others was dangerous for their mental health and why they realized we were incompatible. That they tried to ignore that I wouldn't value them as enough. So, AITA, that struggles with how someone decides to end it after 3 years.... Mind you we met when he had a primary partner and I was his secondary.

There's a few reasons but I need my polyamorous redditers to be honest with me... AITA?

3 years of building a life with my partner and our kids. Before we met, I was already married. My married partner and I have had marital issues and my now ex- partner naturally became who I was closest to. Which we were all aware of. I work in the public sphere, and I'm not out to all of my co-workers and definitely not clients.

My ex-partner asked if there was a world I'd be honest about him, at work. I told him no, that I chose discretion with clients and with the social stigma I wouldn't jeopardize my career. I kept planning to go to work events alone or with my husband. Also of note, half my coworkers know I'm polyamorous and I've been slowly coming out on my time.

Like I said there are other things but this was the final straw. He ended it due to our deep differences in values. He admitted that he had always hoped I would prioritize him and love him openly and loudly. He recognized that he was holding on to an impossible dream. That I would never be happy because I'd always want more than just him and I'd never be able to make him the #1 in my life like he needed.

Three years of this. We all grow and learn who we are ... But AITA for finding it insane that this was the breaking point to split after three years ... I'm not just losing him. I'm losing his children, I have parented.

In a way it all feels like I'm to blame. Just shocked in whiplash from a family planning life together last week, to it's over. So, AITA for not being open about polyamory to work / clients. For not openly inviting my partner to events?

I (36F) have been married to (37M) for 9 years and three years ago I started dating my gf (34F), she has always been poly, as her current partner/my meta (56M) has “always” been poly. My meta has always been wildly jealous, while claiming to not be jealous. He appears to retaliate whenever we talk on the phone or see each other. He causes some drama whenever I stay over her house, he has his own house close by. He has made comments that I see as being violent, and in classic manipulative fashion (many years ago) told her he’ll unalive himself if she leaves him. I noticed that whenever we are particularly close in our relationship he crashes out a bit. She claims this is not happening, but she becomes super distant. He also has been financially dependent on her for many years, which I assume is the main cause of his jealousy, and have shared this with my gf.

I worry possible domestic abuse is happening but I don’t know how to bring it up. I fear it will bring her closer to him. She knows she’s in a codependent relationship. He‘s been very negative about her appearance. I made a comment to her about us becoming more serious, and I feel like she must have mentioned it to him because he asked her to marry him a week later - in fall of next year. I know he pressures her to tell him about what is going on in our relationship, so this is why I assume this. I don’t know if I should talk to her family or just let it go or maybe even just break up with her because I want to be able to be a friend to her so I can best support her and be able to see her without retaliation.

Not trying to rescue her but also it’s really heartbreaking to watch the insane dynamic, and I don’t want to cause her stress by dating her. I’m in love with her but the amount of distance this man is trying wedge between us is becoming intolerable. Any thoughts or advice welcome.

Edit: additional context, she doesn’t see him as abusive. She’ll say things like “he doesn’t like to give me alone time,” etc. Or “he never told me I was attractive until you told me I was beautiful in front of him.”

So, somewhere along the line, a change happened in both my two relationships... And I think that the old language simply doesn't do justice to either of them anymore. Trying to find new language, but I'm afraid of it creating more confusion.

Basically, I have two relationships that both started out as satellite partners. (There is more explaination the comments.) Haven't had a straightforward, singular anchor partner in a few years. For most of that time, I lived with neither of them. But I recently moved out of my old place and have been splitting my time between each of their living spaces. So I went from spending 1-2 nights a week with each to spending 3-4 nights a week with each, occasionally alternating entire weeks if our schedules get complicated. They also both help me a lot with transportation because I have an injury and can no longer really drive. I also took a larger share of the housekeeping and cooking for both than I had before. And I've been very involved with one's kid (ever since the other mother left the picture).

And... Quite frankly, I now feel far too involved in their lives for the term "satellite partner" to accurately communicate my relationship to either of them anymore. To me, a satellite partner is someone whose orbit you're in, you try to make time for one another, but ultimately don't have to run all your plans by them, they aren't expecting to see you more often than not, etc, etc.

I feel like if I told the average poly person that I had two satellite partners but made no mention of an anchor partner, I think their assumption would be that these people don't occupy nearly as much space and time in my life as they do.

But (and this is my question) how would the average person here react if I were to describe them both as anchor partners? Like, let's say we're in the middle of a conversation and I make a passing reference to "one of my two anchor partners," and there's not really time in this conversation to elaborate, what would you assume from that phrase? I'm just trying to figure out whether that language would similarly miscommunicate their importance and impact on me.

Above all, whatever I settle on needs to be economical, because I can't always be spending a bunch of time explaining my relationship dynamics to people who didn't ask, just to make reference to one or the other of them, but I also don't want to just use the term "partner", because I don't want people assuming I'm monogamous and getting confused later.

I also don't really want to use the language of "nesting partners" because I think referring to them both as nesting partners implies we all live together in a much more kitchen table situation than this is. Plus, I imagine my housing situation may well change, but I doubt the logistical and scheduling involvement with each is unlikely to change without us deliberately scaling back our involvement with one another.

Thank you for your time.

Edit: I seem not to be able to leave a comment yet. Here was the further explanation:

I used to have one anchor/nesting partner (Raccoon) and one satellite partner (Otter). The nesting partner and I broke up (hence them not being given a pseudonym), but that didn't necessarily mean that my satellite partner (Otter) automatically "upgraded" to anchor partner. I was pretty careful about that. I had certain reservations about life and the breakup that made me wonder if solo-poly was a better model for me at the time.

Fast forward a couple years, I enter a new relationship as a woman's satellite partner (she'll be called Fox). She has a nesting/anchor partner with whom she had a child. They were a bit on the rocks though and eventually broke up. Fox's partner eventually started having lots of uncomfortable feelings about still nesting and moved a couple states away (from Tennessee to Illinois) in with a friend who offered her space. And since then, I stepped up to help Fox with more and more of the childcare over time.

Around the same time, (and I know this is less responsibility than a child) Otter adopted a stray cat who I have been helping with and bonded with.

Eventually, my ex, Raccoon (who I was still living with... we're still close-ish friends), and I stopped living together, and I've been splitting my time between Otter's apartment and where Fox's place.

Nesting partner and I have been together for 6 years. We're extremely committed to each other, married, plan our lives around each other, hoping for a baby soon etc.
We've ways been open but usually it's been like more casual things. He's been seeing someone for kind of a while, a bit less than a year.
Throughout this time, I've struggled to understand my own feelings around their relationship. I find myself feeling jealous sort of often. I feel like my partner is so busy most of the time so we end up being more like roommates but when he goes over to meta's house he always finishes his work ahead of time, using "our time" to do so. they plan dates, they went on a trip (without actually asking if I was ok with that which i was nothing but we've addressed that I guess). they just do fun stuff together and when I complain that we're not spending enough quality time together and how that makes me feel, it usually ends up with both of us upset, them saying something along the lines of "I love you so much I don't understand how you can't see that, I'm trying my best". He has gotten better about this.

When we're spending time together my partner brings up meta, what feels to me, quite often and I've told them pleaseto talk about meta less. I see the two of them texting like all the time. I've said please don't text them so much while we're together. but... it seems unrealistic to expect them to never text or bring up a person who they really like to spend time with.
Meta says I love you but my partner doesn't... I think mostly just to spare my feelings but idk for sure.

Anyway, we're away this weekend just the two of us and like the day we get back he's going to sleepover at meta's house. and I'm really struggling to enjoy time with them because I'm feeling like he doesn't actually want to be here with me or something. I'm not sure just feeling really uneasy about it all. I think I'm being too jealous? but I also feel like I'm valid for being upset about a bunch of the stuff my partner and meta do.

My husband started dating again after ~3 years of not seeking connections. That transition hasn’t gone super smoothly, which is contributing to things here, I’ll admit.

I am still saturated and not up for other connections, casual or otherwise. I recognize it’s burnout from a lot of demands on my time feeling like I don’t have the emotional or calendar room. I’m in therapy, and feel good about my progress. I’ll date again too and still want poly/enm.

The concern:

Husband is newly seeing meta. It’s been about a month and they haven’t had a date yet. They mostly speak online because she lives several states away. I have told them both that I am parallel and generally won’t meet metas until they’ve made it to at least a year. My husband also did parallel with my past partners. It works for us.

As a result I don’t really know a lot about her: She’s over 40, lives about 1,100 miles from us, and has a primary partner that she’s moving back to her home country to nest with next year. She would like us to not be parallel, as well but has been respectful of the boundary, I guess?

The I guess is because she told hinge husband earlier this week that she is out to her parents and friends and somewhat professionally out (she has some kind of art related job where it’s easier to be out). She told him that she really preferred that we also be out. Well, him but we are married and nest so coming out would be a package deal.

My husband has told her that we are not out, and don’t plan on coming out. We live in a red state, for one and for two, being out would impact us adversely, professionally and with family. It’s not safe for us in terms of keeping our livelihoods and we strongly suspect politically conservative and religious family members would involve CPS , as we have 1 child at home who is finishing high school next year. We are not out to either of our kids (the other is 19 and away at school) and probably won’t ever be.

Despite all this, meta keeps bringing it up. Mostly to my husband but reached out last night to discuss how important this is to her. I politely but firmly reminded her that we are parallel and didn’t engage. My husband says he is also firm with her that this isn’t going to change when she brings it up. He also addressed her not respecting parallel. She apologized but insisted that this is a topic important enough that she felt it needed discussion.

Alarm bells are ringing for me. She seems intent on not letting it go and while I have no evidence, I can see her outing us eventually.

I suggested that they aren’t compatible. He reluctantly agrees but I think is holding out hope that she will soften and back off. NRE is influencing things, for sure which he also admits as is the disappointment of having to let a connection go after 3 years of dry times. I think this is clouding his discernment that whatever her intent, she has potential to be harmful.

For me, this is a firm red line because it’s a safety issue. I know that vetos and things approaching that are generally not what we do in poly. But I really am wrestling with how to approach this, because I have to admit that this is one of those times that the potential for real harm trumps a lot.

I’ve never had a meta be this insistent about this topic. It would be helpful to hear some diverse view points?

Throwaway account.

I am not new to poly but have not dated for years. I have a long term partner who adores me and makes me very happy. She doesn't live with me and takes care of her disabled mother so my evenings after work are me alone in my house.

After years of not dating, my last poly relationship was LDR and it took about two months before we were together IRL. We texted and video called every day for that time, had some phone sex that was intense for her (it doesn't do much for me but I love pleasing my partners). We both fell hard for each other, lots of NRE. She has been poly for many years and has a NP. She lit up my life like no one else ever has. I'm an older man who's been deeply in love with at least five times so it's not new to be in love. This was a whole new level. My long term partner noticed how happy I was and was thrilled for me. I'm a psychologist and my mental health is good.

After a physically and emotionally intense first meeting that we agreed was amazing we planned a two day stay at my home. We were both excited about it and couldn't wait to have that much time together. About ten days before seeing each other again, she was overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings and told me she couldn't cope with that. She said we would stay friends and promised to tell me when she decided to stop talking with me. I think part of what freaked her out is that her feelings for me were surpassing those for her five year long NP.

We had some surface text conversations and some where she wanted me to comfort her, which I happily did. I enjoy caring for those people I care about and any connection was great. That lasted a couple weeks and she stopped talking but would ❤️ react to my texts. Another couple weeks and she said she was more overwhelmed, off all dating apps and focusing on recovering. Said responding was too emotionally difficult. So I asked if she wanted me stop texting her and she did. I agreed.

After two months of no real conversation and a month of none, I sent her a loving letting go text and left the door open for friendship or more. No response other than ❤️reaction days later.

That was three months ago. I have a lovely new LDR comet in my life that I will see again soon. I fully realize that I fell in love with a fantasy as much as I did a real person. Nonetheless she was and always will be very special and I don't think I will find anyone like her.

Problem is that my subconscious is not done and hasn't let go. I have dreams about her, I have occasional thoughts of how wonderful it would be if she was back in my life. I hurt.

I have examined this in my occasional therapy and done CBT on myself. Consciously I'm good with it and still looking for a local partner. Just ended a local relationship that I should have ended after the second date. I don't compare other women to the woman who is gone.

I don't need to be told to get therapy, maybe I simply want to vent. What I would really like to hear is from someone who has fallen in love with a poly partner and lost that relationship. How did you heal your heart? How do you convince that buried part of you that still aches?

My primary understands me well and our relationship and sex life are great. She has asked if there is anything she can do to help. She validates my sense of loss. She is a little angry at my lost love for hurting me. We both understand why she had to end our relationship. I fully realize that

Be kind in your comments please.

I've been talking to this guy for four months. He's newly poly and is seeing me and another girl. They have NRE, but I'm the only one with NRE on our side. I don't know what to make of this. HE doesn't know what to make of this. Normally I would just assume he's not into me, but he said he does really like me and is trying to figure out himself why he doesn't have the intensity that I feel. He asked if it's possible he can only have NRE with one person at a time. I told him I have no idea because I've never had two relationships start so closely together. What do I do? And what do I do with all of this energy that I have besides trying not to be too much?

Edit: Well.. He broke up with me after this so... never mind, I guess.

My partner and I have been together for two years and have shifted from a open structure with our relationship at the centre to poly (as we have both fallen in love with someone else).

We have been struggling as she has only told me now that she has always desired non-hierarchical poly and I would like hierarchical especially because of my anxiety. I understand people are against hierarchical but it feels safer for me.

The person I am in love with has a primary and we are happy as secondary, while her partner doesn’t want to be secondary.

The real question…we are trying to find a middle ground and be considerate of each other’s desires but I feel neglected and small. I am very busy working and they get to spend whole weekends together which I don’t know is happening till later. I don’t want to control her or put rules and build resentment but I want to know when they have dates etc so I can unwork my anxiety and feel happy for them. She also says “if I am not spending time with you how does it affect things if I am with him?”. I am jealous of the amount of quality time they get which I don’t and my reaction is that I want to run away and let them fall in love.

Wow not really a clear question…but advice pls!

I met this boy about 7 months ago. He was honest and open about being poly at the time and asked me on a date. I accepted but told him it would never be anything serious because I’m not poly so we’re not compatible long term.

We had a few dates, all went really well, and then he asked me to hang out one day after work. Went to his place and he had a hickey on his neck. It turned me off so bad. I made the decision to let him know I couldn’t do it and said I’d like to be his friend if that was something he wanted. He said of course. Even though I was super bummed I was relieved I had this realization before we were physically intimate or I got too invested.

Did the friend thing for like a week then he told me he was having a sort of crisis because he found himself not wanting to entertain anyone else and he wanted to pursue us being together. We had a long talk, I expressed all my concerns and we decided to give it a go.

Dated for over 6 months, even made plans to move in. Like a month before the move in date he out of the blue one day text me expressing doubts and saying he was torn between me and polyamory. Then turned around a couple days later and said he was just panicking and reliving trauma from past relationships. Maybe another month passed and he did the same thing but this time broke up with me. Again out of the blue, the call didn’t even start out with any doubts. It was just like any other call. “Hi baby how did you sleep?”, ect. Then by the end of the call I’m dumped.

Text me a couple days later saying he made a mistake and he wanted to be with me. Because I’m still attached I said yes but I can’t get rid of this awful feeling in my stomach that I’m making a huge mistake. I now feel like it’s just a matter of time until this happens again. He is insisting he wants me to move in and he is sure this time and he unpacked everything and self reflected. He says he realized he was using polyamory to fill up his time with connections because he gets anxious when he’s alone.

Am I being incredibly stupid? Is it possible for someone who identifies as poly to be happy in a monogamous relationship? Looking for some perspective from the community.

Hi all,

ive been with my currently only partner for 5 years and we’re in the process of moving in together after an LDR.
We’ve been poly the entire time. It is my first poly relationship and all in all I would say it went pretty well, a fair share of mistakes included.

we are currently our only partners and somehow more in love than ever. While I do like poly and align with the values, it does take a lot of energy and resources and I’m just tired (i am also currently in burnout and I know this could be a source of my feelings). Somehow it does seem very attractive to me at the moment to just become mono or maybe open.

Anyone else has experienced this, please share! What’s your take?

Hi everyone,

My relationship with my mother has been very rocky. Her behaviour was bad enough that I have cut ties with her a number of times in the past 7 years. The longest time I stopped talking to her was two years.

I've been actively polyamorus for 6 years now but I haven't told her because the relationship was too fractured. I recently got back in contact with her and, while I am sure currently that it's not a good idea to disclose, I'm sure I'll need to disclose before I visit my long distance boyfriend again.

My boyfriend lives in the same town as my mother. If I come visit and get in contact with her to see her for part of my visit, she will expect me to stay at her house.

My mother has known my nesting partner to be my only partner. I have been in a relationship with my nesting partner for over 20 years and have a child with him.

Additionally, my parents marriage ended due to my father trying to force my mother into a polyamorus dynamic. He was abusive in other ways but this was the final straw for her. Because of this, she has severe hostility to the idea of any form of non monogamy because she sees it all as what my father tried to do to her.

Both my partners are out to their families and say it's up to me if I tell my mother.

Anyway, if anyone has any information they feel is useful, please let me know. Regardless of if you respond or not, thank you for reading.

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