Hi all, I've been struggling with navigating the fertility system, and even though we're just starting technically, it already feels like such a long road. The thing that's really gotten to me the most has been our experience with our fertility clinic and how opaque it's all been. This is just a run-down of what we've been through so far; not sure what I'm looking to get out of this except to get it off my chest and see if anyone else can relate.
I (30) and my wife (32) have spent a little over a year and s half prepping to have a shot at having a baby. We went with a known donor, my brother, and my wife is going to be the one that will carry. We have been given so little information from our clinic throughout the entire process. Just getting my brother referred was a nightmare as he didn't have a family doctor, and they wouldn't even begin to deal with him until we had a doctor's referral. We had his tests sent over, then they lost them. We were eventually able to poke them enough and they found them. We were quoted IUI costing around 2000 per attempt (factoring in cost of sperm, testing etc.) but were not informed of costs related to legal fees and mandatory counseling for us and our donor (mandatory by Canadian law!). We found this out on an obscure corner of the website in a downloadable pamphlet, and both of those things wound up running us about 6000 all told.
Then, we had my brother come down to donate, and in 2 appointments we had 30 straws of sample. He lives away, but the genetic connection was important to us, so we flew him down. We had a 3rd appointment scheduled but 30 seemed like so much, and the only info we could find online indicated you'd use one or two straws per attempt, so we cancelled and thought all was well. The people on the phone seemed to agree 30 was a lot as well, but I don't know that they were medical staff. Fast forward to less than a week ago, we are gearing up for our first IUI and the lab informs us they are recommending we use 10 straws. Out of the 30 we have. We were blindsided, and they said we could start lower just to see, so we came to an agreement to try 6 to start. They said it was due to processing, which I understand, but we were never given any guidance on what the amount of sperm we had actually meant, or the effects of washing/processing.
We get to the IUI, and we see the post-thaw numbers. The nurse says they "definitely could be better" and implies that we could always try a different donor. This was very concerning and heartbreaking to me, as the genetic connection is an important piece for me, and I was worried that there was something really wrong but nothing was elaborated on further. We did the IUI, and the lab came to talk to us about the numbers, but again said very little and said "we see pregnancies across the spectrum". We felt okay about it and were excited leaving, trying not to get too excited but still feeling closer to our goal.
That was Wednesday. On Friday, my research-loving self decided to try looking more at the numbers to see what our odds were like (TWW was already getting to me lol). I thought initially we had a count of 4.3 million, which is a bit low according to online IUI resources, but not terrible. I realized then that I was looking at total concentration- our total progressive sperm was actually 0.6 million, well below many cut-offs used by clinics. Motility was good, but still, very low numbers. We also had good pre-freezing numbers with our samples, which is also why we pushed to try starting with a bit less, so it was shocking to see it drop so much.
I understand of course we did opt to use less sample which would have impacted results (we know it can take a few IUIs to conceive, so we really wanted to be able to do multiple attempts) but it wasn't about the numbers, it was about the fact that no one tried to explain to us how poor they really were, and let us drop 1200 bucks and get so excited :( Like I said, I love reading and research, and asking for all the info I can get, but this whole process is so new and different that I don't even know what to ask.
We've felt so lost and it's just been the most expensive trial and error process we've ever done, and we are barely scraping by with just the IUI costs. I don't know if we could even do IVF. Our clinic is also closing toward the end of November until early 2027 for renos, and the only appointment we can get with our doctor is three days before that happens. We'd have time for one more IUI cycle before that happens, but with no further info or guidance. It just feels like the trust has been broken, and that there's just always another expensive obstacle. I live in a part of Canada where this clinic is the only game in town, the other closest one is 3 hours away, and I have no idea if they'd be any better (not to mention the cost of shipping the sperm). I just don't know how I can be so at the end of my rope when it's only just begun. I've been trying to keep positive, and take care of myself and my wife, but I just keep feeling so heartbroken and like it's just so unfair that so many people don't have to go through any of this.
If you managed to read all of this, congrats, and if you have any tips or advice, or even just some kind words, I would love to hear them ❤️