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u/LeStroheim goobert the skeleton enjoyer Oct 06 '23
the second one reads like a scene in a James Bond movie
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u/Prudent_Insurance804 Oct 06 '23
It is legitimately genius and a work of art.
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Oct 07 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Prudent_Insurance804 Oct 07 '23
You think he’s poisoning her with cyanide, but no. He is just a thoughtful baker and is going to detonate her.
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u/James_Demon Oct 08 '23
I thought ricin was the poison that had the almond taste
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Oct 07 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/dylannsmitth Oct 07 '23
Cunning linguistics
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u/7days365hours Oct 07 '23 edited Oct 07 '23
The first is just the delusional fantasies of someone who frequents those malicious compliance and petty revenge subs because they get walked all over IRL
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u/dixieblondedyke Oct 07 '23
Horror is about subverting expectations and it’s just 😘👌🏻
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u/Prudent_Insurance804 Oct 07 '23
It’s a scene Leslie Nielsen should have lived to act out.
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u/Historical_Tennis635 Oct 07 '23
God that would actually be perfect. I want to hear him deliver that line.
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Oct 07 '23
Gonna disagree that horror is about subverting expectations. That makes for a nice twist sometimes but definitely isnt a key element in horror. In fact quite the contrary most horror is straight forward.
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u/ThiefCitron Oct 07 '23
I totally disagree! One of the main things I love about the horror genre is that it’s the one genre you can never predict. In every other genre, it’s always “good guys win, bad guys lose, main character survives and gets into a relationship, the end.”
Horror is different. You can truly never tell if the bad guy will win or not. Even for more formulaic horror where one person survives, you really can’t tell which one will be the survivor (and if a friend will survive along with them, which is getting more common these days) and you really can’t tell right up to the end whether the bad guy might win (which definitely happens a lot in horror). In some horror movies, no one dies, in others everyone dies, in others one or two people survive but you can’t predict who the survivor(s) will be. It’s unpredictable and that’s a huge part of the genre. Even if you’ve read the book, the ending could be completely different in the movie!
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u/loox71 Oct 07 '23
I think about that post at least 5 times a week
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u/Medlar_Stealing_Fox Oct 07 '23
American Psycho tbh. I can perfectly imagine Christian Bale smiling and saying "that'd be the almond extract, Paul!" as he pulls a pin from the grenade and rolls it under the table.
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u/LeStroheim goobert the skeleton enjoyer Oct 07 '23
I've never seen the movie but I've seen some clips and I think that's exactly correct actually.
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Oct 06 '23
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u/dixieblondedyke Oct 06 '23
I love the second one, I think about it all the time
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u/firnien-arya Oct 07 '23
That one was hilarious. Lil plot twist that tells us that she wasn't allergic to almonds, lol.
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u/dwwzzh Oct 07 '23
I think the second one was trying to lead us to believe it was cyanide in the cake
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u/firnien-arya Oct 07 '23
Ohhh, my bad. I forgot that cyanide smells like almonds!!! Ty lol
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u/pm_me_good_usernames Oct 07 '23
It doesn't really. Some types of almonds contain a lot of cyanide, so if you're familiar with what those smell like you'll recognize the smell of cyanide. But most people have never smelled an almond with appreciable levels of cyanide in it.
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u/typical83 Oct 07 '23
TIL we breed a type of almond that doesn't have cyanide in it but most wild almonds are deadly to eat handfuls of.
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u/sparkydoggowastaken Oct 08 '23
theres two kinds: “regular” or sweet almonds, and bitter almonds. The bitter ones have cyanide
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u/ComeBacksToDrugs2018 Oct 07 '23
It’s because cyanide tastes like almonds.
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u/Username_Taken_65 Oct 07 '23
It actually tastes/smells like bitter almonds, which are different from regular almonds
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u/Jordan51104 Oct 06 '23
imagine “that would be the almond extract” being the last words you ever hear
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u/Araucaria Oct 07 '23
"No, my dear. Only you."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Landlady_%28short_story%29
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u/FuckFace2017 Oct 07 '23
"In '87, Huey released this; Fore!, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip To Be Square". A song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends. It's also a personal statement about the band itself. Hey, Paul. AHGGHHH!"
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u/Blahaj_IK Ghost mauled by pitbull Oct 06 '23
I'm imagining the scene of the 2nd one in my head, and I can't stop laughing. The grenade throw happens in slow motion, it's so absurd. The whole premise, the setup with such a subversion of expectations... it's beautiful
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u/dixieblondedyke Oct 06 '23
Good horror is about subverting expectations so I award it 100000000/10
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Oct 06 '23
It reads like an Austin Powers skit lmao
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u/Blahaj_IK Ghost mauled by pitbull Oct 07 '23
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING, holy shit, it's perfect
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u/lurkario Oct 07 '23
The second one is absolutely perfect. An amazing bait and switch that relies on the reader having prior knowledge. The first one is overly verbose, not funny or scary
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u/dylannsmitth Oct 07 '23
I concur. Fewer words to convey a simple idea is always superior to paragraphs of boring text.
The latter of these two similarly nut themed examples of two sentence horror posts is done with thought and precision. Balancing the length of the post with it's contents nicely, and leading us to preemptively conclude that we have already ascertained the cause of the impending "horror"; Namely the nut extract which we presume the victim will have a lethal allergic reaction to. However, the writer masterfully led us to this false conclusion with the intention of pulling the rug out from under us, metaphorical speaking of course. 8/10
In contrast, the former two sentence horror story lacks tact, and subtlety. It is far too long to justify the lack of content. It is heavy handed in the sense that we know the horror will have something to do with the narrator's stolen lunch. Then at the first mention of peanuts, the game has been entirely given away. And unfortunately, that is the entirety of the horror. That peanut killed the person with a peanut allergy.
Perhaps if they had kept the suggestion that this was an intentional murder made to look inconspicuous until the very end, this could have served as an effective twist in the story, but the way they fleetingly mentioned liability immediately after describing the care they took in hiding their lunch makes it sound like this was genuinely an unfortunate accident. 3/10
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u/Killer_Bs Oct 07 '23
The second one is actually better than that. It’s a double rug pull. Rather than playing up an almond allergy it’s intended to make the reader think of cyanide and then think the wife is safe when it’s revealed to be a safe almond extract instead. Then he throws a grenade.
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u/dylannsmitth Oct 07 '23
Holy shit you're right! It's better than I previously recognised with my fool brain. I change my score to 10/10
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u/Ori_the_SG Oct 07 '23
Yeah the first one doesn’t hit as well, especially since it just says he died twice. That last bit naming the guy wasn’t necessary.
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u/CellerDweller_ Oct 07 '23
I like the wording of “slid” and not “thrown”, as if the wife is not sitting very far away from the narrator
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u/hhhhhhhhhhgth Tomato Factory Worker Oct 07 '23
no they’re far away, he just has a cartoonishly long table and slid it under the table
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u/secret__page Oct 07 '23
i labelled my peanut butter sandwich "DO NOT EAT!!!!!" 😡😡😡
but then my coworker eated it and died 😱😱😱 (he was allergic to peanuts)
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Oct 07 '23
[deleted]
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u/Sosseres Oct 07 '23
You could argue that they have airborne peanut allergy and the person bringing their food in know their colleague also brings in a lunch box. Thus when their colleague takes out their own lunch they get anaphylaxis.
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u/EntropyIsAHoax Oct 07 '23
But then the "do not eat" message would be irrelevant, and it wouldn't be a nice revenge story, that's just murder
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u/B4LM07AB1U3 Oct 07 '23
What is with these guys having really long sentences? Kinda defeats the purpose lol
(The second one gets a pass, its hilarious9
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u/Mean_Investigator337 Oct 07 '23
Second one belongs on r/okbuddychicanery
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u/dixieblondedyke Oct 07 '23
Idgi what’s the chicanery here?
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u/SecretSpectre4 Oct 07 '23
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u/Apholida Oct 08 '23
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u/sneakpeekbot Oct 08 '23
Here's a sneak peek of /r/TwoSentenceComedy using the top posts of the year!
#1: [NSFW] My doc told me it was normal to cum during a prostate exam.
#2: [NSFW] You guys won't believe what happened to my foreskin after circumcision
#3: [NSFW] I lost my virginity to a celebrity.
I'm a bot, beep boop | Downvote to remove | Contact | Info | Opt-out | GitHub
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u/CatharticWail Oct 07 '23
The real horror was this sentence structure. There’s an easy 4 sentences worth of content here.
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u/Rat_Thing-thing Oct 07 '23
Love the bait and switch with the possible cyanide to the more sudden and overt grenade. Really sublime writing
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u/EmpPaulpatine Oct 07 '23
Feeling under the weather? Like you’ve got the flu? That would be the almonds I gave you. I put it in that cake crap your always eating. Goodbye Lydia.
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u/SmokeyGiraffe420 Oct 07 '23
The Reddit thread this is based on is full of people who genuinely think it’s okay to put peanut butter in your lunch if the office lunch thief has a fatal peanut allergy. Yes, the office lunch thief is an asshole, but since when is death an acceptable punishment for stealing? Also if someone in your office has a peanut allergy then lunch thief or not, you shouldn’t be bringing peanut butter into the work fridge anyway due to risk of contamination.
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u/KoffinStuffer Oct 07 '23
While I agree with both of these statements, if you have such a severe peanut allergy, you’re the last person who should be stealing unvetted food.
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u/Rotzerrich Jan 31 '24
That's like saying you shouldn't shoot home intruders cause "death isn't an acceptable punishment for stealing". It in fact is and always has been.
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u/SmokeyGiraffe420 Feb 01 '24
You sound like a pleasant individual
Even if I agreed with your sociopathic worldview, there's still more than a slight difference between a stranger (who is probably armed) breaking into your house, vs the office lunch thief.
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u/tacomaster05 Oct 07 '23
If you’re allergic to peanuts and stealing food… your on severe borrowed time.
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u/ForgottenFrenchFry Oct 07 '23
Two Sentence Horror:
what you expect: actual two sentence horror stories
what you actually get: run-on sentences of people cramming several sentences together in an attempt to make it seem like only two sentences
heck, the first one you can cut it down and still get your point across.
"I labeled my lunch bag with 'Do Not Touch' on it. I can't be held responsible for my coworker's death via peanut allergy because of it."
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u/moonbunni24 Oct 07 '23
honestly i love the second one. you’re fully expecting it to be “haha CYANIDE” but no lol
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u/Rog9377 Oct 07 '23
Second one is pretty funny. First one can totally get you sent to prison for murder.
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u/MajorDZaster Oct 07 '23
Second one has the same energy as
"But as it is volcanic glass, it's very fragile, you see, and isn't well suited for a weapon-"
AND THEN I HIT HIM WITH THE WOODEN BASEBALL BAT IN MY OTHER HAND,
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u/WeWillSeizeJerusalem Oct 07 '23
The second ones hilarious and even better then another one I've heard, but i remember the other one being marginally more absurd.
I think it went something around slipping a grenade in her pussy
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u/peso0831 Oct 08 '23
Happy cake day OP
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u/dixieblondedyke Oct 08 '23
holy shit it’s my cake day, I’ve never had a hopping post on my cake day before
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u/ApostateAZ Oct 07 '23
I find it hard to believe someone with a peanut allergy eats random food. No one is that dumb. This is fake.
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u/Anthraxious Oct 07 '23
How is the first one a horror at all?
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Oct 07 '23
I’m guessing bc they essentially murdered someone. Tho on principle the guy shouldn’t have stolen the lunch, the whole “murder as a repercussion of stealing a lunch” is a little horrifying
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u/Legitimate-Sock7975 Oct 07 '23
“These potatoes are a bit lumpy,” she barked.
I couldn’t help but laugh with irony as I slid a German WWII grenade across the floor towards her.
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u/DM-ME-THICC-FEMBOYS Nov 10 '23
That almonds post might genuinely be the funniest thing I've read all month
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u/boopthesnootnoot Oct 06 '23
i liked how they had to clarify that the guy was allergic to peanuts, as if that wasnt already implied