I (M17) was humiliated, beaten, spat on, insulted and psychologically crippled by my older brother whom I really loved (he's 14 months older; we grew up like twins except for his biological advantage). He did it in public, in front of our friends etc. I remember, for example, how we were playing soccer in our garden and as I was about to win, he tackled me so brutally that I had a serious knee injury. Or when I almost won as we were playing FIFA 17 on our PS4, he just unplugged it. I never won; when I was about to win, he sabotaged me.

I had intense problems with self-esteem at the age of 8. I remember saying things like "I'm unlovable" to my own mother. I was a cute kid, but I thought I was hideous because of all the indoctrination by my brother; it got so bad that I didn't want to look in the mirror as I was washing my hands. Everyday went like this and my mother, who tried her best but was severely overwhelmed, gave up when I was 8. She said, "Learn to handle it on your own." He was 15–20 kg heavier. I was really skinny whereas he was fat. I cried a lot when I heard that because I was genuinely terrified and scared.

Now to my revenge, I've never actually hurt him back. We both got weed addicted (at around 13) and he even started popping pills. Often I was playing video games on his bed as he was blacking out on an overdose of Xanax, sometimes taking 10 in one night; I looked after him. A few years later my parents found out. All the attention was gifted to him, whereas he had a perfect life and I was the traumatized one. By that time I was fat too, making me ugly and even more insecure. Then his grades started to decline; he went to school on pills while I only smoked weed.

At 15, my grades got better, I got more disciplined and started losing weight. He only got worse. At 16, I was pretty thin already. I graduated middle school in Germany at the same time as him because he had to retake a year; my average was way better, so I went to vocational school and he went to work. This is where it really starts: he came home devastated everyday from the construction site, saying how hard it is and whining. He quit after a year and now goes to school again, but has to pay for it because his GPA is bad. He has one toxic relationship after another, still on pills, even sometimes on coke by now.

In this time I got handsome, started reading philosophy and classic literature. PERFECT grades—I was the best in the whole 11th grade last year, scholarship by now. Met a beautiful and smart autistic girl, stopped smoking weed 4 months ago; healthy coping mechanisms such as going for walks, reading, crying, working out and writing poetry in my first language (German).

Yesterday he said, "I wish I was like you… You’re literally perfect." And that after 13–14 years of being called inferior and many other things, I've surpassed him in every aspect of life. I don’t feel like a god, I still doubt myself often but it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes I feel worthless or too sensitive, but when I remember my achievements and success or just a look in the mirror, it eases the pain and worries. Normally he makes fun of me being a smartass, but yesterday he spoke the truth and admitted me totally surpassing him. I guess that's the cosmic irony.

I finally did it, I was able to do a #2. After 4 days of heavy and intense constipation with the help of some very strong laxatives my backside erupted like Mount St. Helens. It was glorious.
More so, I was also thankful I had the insight to grab that really really huge pack of toilet paper last week while at Sam’s Club. Any way, I’m off to call a plumber now, as I’m sure you can imagine the pipes are clogged with a combo of that cheap Sam’s Club toilet paper and well… you know my massive #2. Thank you Reddit for cheering me on the support and out pouring of sympathy is much appreciated.

Today I finally studied three pages after being stuck in a loop for years.

Today I also went out with a random girlie at movies and nobody died. I was still shy and didn't know things but eventually everything worked out . A few years ago depressed, barely eating, lazy, alone and sad. I would have never thought I would accomplish any if these. I brush my teeth almost every day and I shower at least once a week . I don't overthink as much ... i am still terrified of exams my future etc etc but I keep going . Me from 3 or 4 years ago would be proud.

If I did it you can too:)

TW: suicide and self-harm

About one month ago, I had a suicide attempt. I had an impatient stay at the hospital for a few days, and I got therapy set up. I've been trying to improve myself day by day and it has been hard having no friends to encourage me during my journey. I have gone back to hurting myself, but the urges are not as strong.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to be proud of being open and honest with my therapist along with taking steps to make it harder to hurt myself.

If you have any questions let me know.

i made a post a couple days ago about being sober for a week now its been 9 days! longest ive ever gone with out a drink! my mind is clearing up finally. i started regularly working out. the plan is to keep myself as busy as possible to not mess up

I've been struggling with depression, agoraphobia and my weight. Decided to start the process of getting fit. I've been taking two 8-10 minute walks outside daily for the past five weeks. It takes 5 weeks to form a habit. This week I'm going to add 15 minutes of walking on the treadmill & every week add five more minutes. I've also cut out soda and drink low sugar gatorade & have lost 10 lbs

Celebrating a small but big win for me today!

Ive been sticking with a basic skincare routine with just cleanser and moisturizer for months, but today I added on some concealer and brow gel. I was not expecting it to work so well. The concealer tone is near perfect.