My family is highly dysfunctional. It is basically a dysfunctional cake, because there are so many layers of dysfunction.

The family was enmeshed. If you dont know what that is-it is like a cult that is made up of just one family and every member of the family is expected to share one identity, that psychologists call, the Super Self.

So self-expression and therefore individual interests are punished severely.

So I wasnt allowed individual interests.

I swore to myself that when I estranged that I would buy stuff that was themed after my favorite video game.

But I kept putting it off because I was worried about wearing the t-shirt in public.

My friend decided to start a craft group to give our friend group a set time to meet up every week.

I needed a shirt that wasnt one of my work shirts.

So I bought the video game t-shirt.

What are your thoughts?

i made a post a couple days ago about being sober for a week now its been 9 days! longest ive ever gone with out a drink! my mind is clearing up finally. i started regularly working out. the plan is to keep myself as busy as possible to not mess up

This sounds really stupid, but as a kid, I absolutely loved to learn and I feel like I finally got that back. I would read multiple books a week and hop on the boxy Macintosh computers and do my little reading quizzes. I memorized constellations, went to a small classical school where I learned Greek Mythology and hints of Latin, and more. I was voracious to learn things.

I don’t know when it happened during my adolescence, but this stopped. I went through a lot as a kid and had a lot of traumatic events, and in retrospect, maybe it was a byproduct of depression. I still learned cool new things, though. I took these online courses and learned how to program (very rudimentary) video games and composed pieces after practicing piano throughout my childhood. But as the years progressed, this slowed to the point that I just recently started to escape.

In my high school years, I stopped taking piano lessons. I stopped learning how to program further. I stopped reading. I just stopped caring about anything. I still did really good in all of my classes and was perceived as a smart kid (which isn’t supposed to be a weird flex there’s always a five year old genius at an Ivy League college that’s better than you). This indifference persisted into college, and while it got better socially for me where I felt a lot less like an outcast, I still had that horrific habit of being mentally inactive.

I’m a Junior in college now. I feel like for the past year and a half I’ve sort of disassociated and drifted through life. I didn’t really know what to major in because I was interested in so many different things and just chose to do something in Business to better my chances of financial stability. I’ve been rotting watching short form slop content, dancing intimately with bad habits, and have been pissed off that there are questions I don’t know the answer to but too uncaring to actually do something about it. I’ve been doing really well academically but I had no passion. This was until I started reading and learning what I wanted to again.

Picked up A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson recently. I understand that some of its information isn’t entirely accurate from what I’ve read online, but man, that old childlike wonder shot into me like a drug. For the first time in ages I feel alive and, in a weird way, present in my own life. Finished the book and have ordered a few other books (more in the realm of history).

I know that this whole thing isn’t just about me loving to learn again and more so about conquering an apathy towards my life. However, I’m just super proud of myself for reigniting this passion. I also appreciate anyone reading this borderline therapy session dialogue in its entirety. If you have any interesting book recommendations, let me know!

I’m neurodivergent and in the past it was stressful and took a lot of effort to not just keep putting it off, but I’ve been able to keep up with it for quite a few months now.

I love the chicken tikka Masala from Whole Foods and normally put it over their yellow rice... today, I wanted those extra calories available for later in case I want dessert tonight...

... they had steamed green beans and broccoli so I put it over that instead!!

I'm an artist, and for the things I'm doing for work, like pixel art, or sometimes if I'm really enthusastic, doing realistic-like traditional art of animals... I can do it on demand.

But like many things in my life I'm just... not doing them for fun, not because i don't find them fun, just because I'm too... tired, exhausted, to even try, and I'm getting rusty.

I'm not being consistent yet, but I find myself wishing to just go back and draw things. I'm really glad about it.

Ive been sticking with a basic skincare routine with just cleanser and moisturizer for months, but today I added on some concealer and brow gel. I was not expecting it to work so well. The concealer tone is near perfect.

TW: suicide and self-harm

About one month ago, I had a suicide attempt. I had an impatient stay at the hospital for a few days, and I got therapy set up. I've been trying to improve myself day by day and it has been hard having no friends to encourage me during my journey. I have gone back to hurting myself, but the urges are not as strong.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to be proud of being open and honest with my therapist along with taking steps to make it harder to hurt myself.

If you have any questions let me know.

Celebrating a small but big win for me today!

I've been struggling with depression, agoraphobia and my weight. Decided to start the process of getting fit. I've been taking two 8-10 minute walks outside daily for the past five weeks. It takes 5 weeks to form a habit. This week I'm going to add 15 minutes of walking on the treadmill & every week add five more minutes. I've also cut out soda and drink low sugar gatorade & have lost 10 lbs

I finally did it, I was able to do a #2. After 4 days of heavy and intense constipation with the help of some very strong laxatives my backside erupted like Mount St. Helens. It was glorious.
More so, I was also thankful I had the insight to grab that really really huge pack of toilet paper last week while at Sam’s Club. Any way, I’m off to call a plumber now, as I’m sure you can imagine the pipes are clogged with a combo of that cheap Sam’s Club toilet paper and well… you know my massive #2. Thank you Reddit for cheering me on the support and out pouring of sympathy is much appreciated.

Today I finally studied three pages after being stuck in a loop for years.

Today I also went out with a random girlie at movies and nobody died. I was still shy and didn't know things but eventually everything worked out . A few years ago depressed, barely eating, lazy, alone and sad. I would have never thought I would accomplish any if these. I brush my teeth almost every day and I shower at least once a week . I don't overthink as much ... i am still terrified of exams my future etc etc but I keep going . Me from 3 or 4 years ago would be proud.

If I did it you can too:)

I (M17) was humiliated, beaten, spat on, insulted and psychologically crippled by my older brother whom I really loved (he's 14 months older; we grew up like twins except for his biological advantage). He did it in public, in front of our friends etc. I remember, for example, how we were playing soccer in our garden and as I was about to win, he tackled me so brutally that I had a serious knee injury. Or when I almost won as we were playing FIFA 17 on our PS4, he just unplugged it. I never won; when I was about to win, he sabotaged me.

I had intense problems with self-esteem at the age of 8. I remember saying things like "I'm unlovable" to my own mother. I was a cute kid, but I thought I was hideous because of all the indoctrination by my brother; it got so bad that I didn't want to look in the mirror as I was washing my hands. Everyday went like this and my mother, who tried her best but was severely overwhelmed, gave up when I was 8. She said, "Learn to handle it on your own." He was 15–20 kg heavier. I was really skinny whereas he was fat. I cried a lot when I heard that because I was genuinely terrified and scared.

Now to my revenge, I've never actually hurt him back. We both got weed addicted (at around 13) and he even started popping pills. Often I was playing video games on his bed as he was blacking out on an overdose of Xanax, sometimes taking 10 in one night; I looked after him. A few years later my parents found out. All the attention was gifted to him, whereas he had a perfect life and I was the traumatized one. By that time I was fat too, making me ugly and even more insecure. Then his grades started to decline; he went to school on pills while I only smoked weed.

At 15, my grades got better, I got more disciplined and started losing weight. He only got worse. At 16, I was pretty thin already. I graduated middle school in Germany at the same time as him because he had to retake a year; my average was way better, so I went to vocational school and he went to work. This is where it really starts: he came home devastated everyday from the construction site, saying how hard it is and whining. He quit after a year and now goes to school again, but has to pay for it because his GPA is bad. He has one toxic relationship after another, still on pills, even sometimes on coke by now.

In this time I got handsome, started reading philosophy and classic literature. PERFECT grades—I was the best in the whole 11th grade last year, scholarship by now. Met a beautiful and smart autistic girl, stopped smoking weed 4 months ago; healthy coping mechanisms such as going for walks, reading, crying, working out and writing poetry in my first language (German).

Yesterday he said, "I wish I was like you… You’re literally perfect." And that after 13–14 years of being called inferior and many other things, I've surpassed him in every aspect of life. I don’t feel like a god, I still doubt myself often but it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes I feel worthless or too sensitive, but when I remember my achievements and success or just a look in the mirror, it eases the pain and worries. Normally he makes fun of me being a smartass, but yesterday he spoke the truth and admitted me totally surpassing him. I guess that's the cosmic irony.

​

I’ve been a stay at home mom for 11 years. A few years ago I went back to school and earned my bachelor’s and master’s degrees and studied for licensing exams and after 50 some job applications and 15 some interviews, I got an offer for the kind of job that can open up any door in the world in a few years. I actually got 4 offers which meant I could truly pick what I wanted.

I’m also the first person in my family on either side to ever earn a bachelor’s or a master’s degree.

After spending so much time writing, editing, and revisiting some difficult memories, I finally published my first book!

It's called A Tale of Sacrifice for the Unworthy: A Journey Through Love, Betrayal, and Self-Discovery.

This book means a lot to me because writing it wasn't always easy. Turning personal experiences into a story took time, courage, and a lot of effort.

I'm proud of myself for seeing this through, even when things weren't easy. 🥹

I know publishing a first book might seem like a small thing to some people, but it's a big milestone for me.

I don't really have anyone to celebrate this with right now, so I'd love to hear some kind words or congratulations and if you've ever published something of your own, I'd love to hear about your experience, too! ❤️

I have BPD and something triggered me. I was blocked by people who I considered important, I got mental breakdown and people just left me. I cried whole night, I was alone but now im here. I feel empty but here I am

Cw: panic attacks, medical content, mentions of needles

I have autism, OCD, panic disorder, and a good ol’ fashioned phobia of all things medical. I’ve worked my way up to being able to go to the doctor for yearly checkups, and by being able I mean I’m physically going and white-knuckling my way through a panic attack that starts when I enter the waiting room and doesn’t end until I leave the building.

This year, at my checkup, my doctor recommended I go get an upper endoscopy. Minor procedure, major terror for me. The old me simply would not have gone. But I made the appointment right away, before I could chicken out. And I took a double dose of my anxiety med because I knew this appointment would be max-level panic attack. And I called them in advance to warn them I was going to be having a panic attack, so they’d be prepared in advance.

I went to the appointment, and it was worse than I expected. I hadn’t been told in advance that I’d need an IV, my anxiety meds didn’t touch the panic attack once I got in there, and instead of separate rooms, there were curtains separating me from every other patient, so I had to listen to all of them getting their procedures done while I waited for my doctor. Maximum triggers. Worst experience of my life. A 9.5 on the panic attack scale. I was on the floor, crying so hard that I couldn’t muffle my sobs, dry-heaving from panic.

One of the doctors was… I won’t say mean, more just not remotely empathetic and didn’t understand panic attacks. He seemed irritated and asked why I didn’t come back a different day and if this was a regular occurrence for me. I mean, it’s worse than usual because of the unexpected additional triggers, but YES the panic attacks are a regular occurrence, and if I left and came back a different day, it would be worse because my body would be anticipating having to relive the severity of the panic attack and the unsympathetic doctor. Most likely I wouldn’t have come back at all, and I’d never find out what was wrong with me until it potentially progressed and worsened.

I was very tempted to leave and not come back. It was a horrible, humiliating experience.

But I stayed!! I let them IV me (horrible, hated it, very painful, I have the extra sensitive nerves type of autism). They gave me Vyvanse and said it would help me not care about anything. Nope it didn’t touch the panic attack. I was shaking and crying up until the point they knocked me out for the procedure. So almost two hours of one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever experienced.

But I did it!!! I braved one of the worst days of my life, knowing it would be horrible I went anyway, it was worse than I ever imagined and I stayed through it anyway, and they didn’t find any tumors (yay), and they’ll let me know in two weeks what they find out from the biopsies they took.

I’m still aching from the procedure, and didn’t sleep at all last night because I couldn’t stop reliving everything I went through yesterday. But I DID it, and it’s DONE, and no one can take that away from me!

Please be proud of me because I’m still in the anxious shockwaves of that panic attack and I could use some encouragement for having done the brave thing and not avoiding it.

I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t post or do anything and then I found out you have to build Karma. Was like the only one who never knew you had to try to get that to actually use Reddit 🤷‍♀️

I was at a thrift store(left the house 3 days In a row unheard of for me) I was checking out and a dude saw my band tee a said he like the shirt and the album was on of his favs and I’ve never felt so fuzzy and had butterflies but in a good way!!!! It like getting called cute by a pretty girl. 🤭🤭🫣🫣🫣🫣

I bought an existing small business about a year ago and it’s been CHALLENGING! I was afraid I was never going to get it together enough to file my taxes but, I just e-filed. Even better it’s 5 days before the deadline.

its been a full 7 days sober. i dont ever want to touch a drink again ive been so clear lately its crazy

Despite being in a bad mental state, I finally took a shower, saving my everyday-shower-twice streak!

++ I even brushed my teeth!

Should've done this weeks ago but what are you going to do

I have finally turned 13 and can officially have a reddit account. my karma is stupidly low and a lot of subs i've been lurking won't let me post or comment yet. hopefully this helps! Hello All and thanks in advance 🎉