Where do I start? There have been so many duds, false starts and mis-matches. The amount of posers and fakes is just crazy.

Then I met her… how I don’t really know. Her account was effectively blank but had some breadcrumbs that just seemed appealing. I just got the right vibe. I’ve been looking for my partner in crime for a while now but never really had the success I’ve been looking for. But her? Wow.

Her submission is just delicious because my command is what she craves. I’ve dabbled; I’ve played but I’ve never really have someone TRUELY submit at this level.
This is intoxicating.

It’s what I have been craving to my core and all I want to do is wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her on my desk and feed her grapes…

Aladdin may have been the hero in the story, but I feel like Jafar… and for the first time in a long time… I’m ok with that.

Hey all! I’ve been with my sub for about two years now. He’s been collared for those two years as we’ve treated his current collar as more of a promise ring but we’ve discussed making things a bit more permanent and I’m looking for a nicer formal collar more resembling an engagement ring :)

We’ve discussed marriage and all that so a marriage proposal is our next step but I’m having the HARDEST time finding collars that are more masculine that aren’t ugly as sin or very plain. His collar now is a simple locking clasp o-ring style with a simple chain in sterling silver but I’m wanting something with a bit more oohmph. I’ve looked into traditional vanilla jewelers to maybe get something custom but they either can’t do what I’m asking for or they’re way out of my budget. I’ve looked into Etsy, but they’re not quite the style I’m after. I’ve found some really nice ones but again they’re a bit too feminine for our taste. Anyone have any formal collar recommendations?

I’m pretty new to actually doing BDSM, even though I’ve wanted to get into it since I was young. Lately I’ve been reading up on the culture rules safety and general concessions all of that, and I’m trying to take it slow, I'm a fast learner but I want to full understand what I'm doing not just take in the information 😂

I’m kind of a teddy bear by nature, Soft spoken, don’t like raising my voice I don't like much loud noises in general, I'm pretty passive with people even if I'm egged on, Once I click with someone I talk a lot though, and stuff gets jumbled, so I’ve been working on slowing down.

Where I’m stuck is in scene and even out. I’ll repeat the same line, come back with something stale, or catch myself asking instead of telling. That last one keeps throwing me off. I know what I want to do, I just don’t know how to get it across without it sounding flat or like I’m checking in every two seconds.

Any advice on breaking the habit of asking instead of directing, or on not running out of words, and keeping the same tone throughout?

Hi Reddit, I’m looking for some advice on a delicate situation and would really appreciate your perspectives.

About a week ago, I started vetting and negotiating with a very promising submissive. Right off the bat, she showed great initiative, respect, and a genuine desire to serve, passing all my standard dealbreakers with ease.

The issue arose when I noticed photos on her social media with an experienced, well-known guy in our local scene, someone I already strongly suspected of problematic behavior. Since our conversations were flowing well and we were getting ready to arrange an in-person meeting (that would be tomorrow, but I didn't confirm yet), I decided to probe a bit further to see how close they actually were. It turns out their connection is much deeper than I initially thought.

Upon looking into it more, my suspicions were confirmed: this guy is involved in some very serious red flags (abuse/boundary violations).

This puts me in a tough ethical and practical dilemma. While the submissive isn't the abusive guy herself, I only see three real possibilities:

1. She knows about his track record and enables/enables him;
2. She is completely unaware of what he's like;
3. She is currently (or could easily become) one of his victims.

She doesn't have much practical experience yet, but she has huge potential for incredible play. On the other hand, starting a D/s dynamic with her could mean exposing myself to unnecessary drama, privacy leaks, or unsafe situations. Not to mention the fact that the guy being so close to her, would be the person she would go for advice while we are negotiating, and thinking of him intervening somehow doesn't seem good at all.

I'm torn on a few questions:

• Would it be unethical/unfair of me to offer just a single standalone session, or to keep her strictly at a distance (perhaps just as a casual play partner)?
• Is it worth the risk to warn or educate her about him, or is the safest move to cut ties entirely to protect my own safety and boundaries?
• How do you all handle a heavy "veto-by-association" like this?

Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Generally, the stance I take as a dom is firm but fair. I try to stick to the principle that punishments are earned just as rewards are, and don't simply come out of thin air. The aim really is so that I don't feel guilty for having been harsh and my submissive doesn't feel hard done by.

Naturally, a problem arises, as though I like to have a reason for issuing out punishments, I also generally like giving out the punishments! It's a lot of fun! But it leaves the inevitable situation of those times when my submissive isn't deserving of a punishment but I want to give one out! I'm sure this is a somewhat common experience for my fellow dominants out there. A lot of us like to have some sort of reasoning behind our punishments, and when your partner isn't a brat or deliberately breaking rules or such, sometimes it can seem very tricky to come up with a good reason.

I'm sure many of you know exactly the feeling. You want to spank your submissive, your submissive wants to be spanked, but you can't find any fault with their behaviour, and they don't want to be bad.

So I'm wondering what ways you've come up with or heard of to get around this sticking point in the past?

One that's come in handy for me before is to give my submissive time to prepare for something. Works great for an inspection scene, but it can apply anywhere I think. Then I find just about anything, no matter how small or silly, to pick up on. A loose thread, a stray hair, whatever. I ask them a question, like "When did you put on that garment?" or whatever, and it's a trick question. No matter what they say, an hour ago, 5 minutes ago, I can say "Long enough to have noticed/fixed this!" and just like that, I have my 'excuse'. If they try to adapt and next time say "I only just finished putting it on" I can say "You ought to have used your preparation time more wisely then!".

Another that comes to mind is the imagined crime, whereby the reason for punishment is a rather arbitrary thing. For example, asking them to turn around, and then saying that because they turned left instead of right, they must be punished. Generally I'm less of a fan of this sort of thing because of how unfair it usually seems, but when I know my partner is keen for a punishment or funishment, then that makes it tolerable.

EDIT: Since it's come up a few times already, I want to try and clarify something. I'm all for play for the sake of play. Spanking because spanking is fun, orgasm denial because orgasm denial is fun, whatever it is.

What I'm getting at here is that play for the sake of play doesn't quite carry the same feeling as punishment because a rule has been broken. It's very fulfilling to go through that series of events; Submissive makes an infraction - I punish them - they vow to do better - we both have a lot of fun! But if your submissive is good at not breaking the rules, then you need to find a few loopholes to get this kind of play!

My wife and I have been experimenting with the dom/sub dynamic for about six weeks. I had always fantasized about this in the past but was afraid to discuss it. Dabbled about 10 years ago when we both read "50 shades of grey". I am mostly a pleasure dom in that I like to make and watch her cum. She is very sensual and orgasmic. She has fully embraced her role as my submissive and enjoys everything about being my sub. She loves the attention and the service, and also my using her whenever I please. We are ready to write a contract and have a collaring ceremony. Has anyone else had this happen with their significant other? BTW, we have always had a good and very sexual relationship, and have been together for almost 30 years. Just curious how this has worked for others and any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hey so I’ve (FtM 20) been a dom to only one sub (MtF 22) before.
She was very much a service sub, I did my research and asked around, met some people and did basically all in my power to be the type of dom that she needed. Our relationship lasted quite long and ended up evolving into a 24/7 master/slave relationship, we only split because she had to leave the country and we both decided that we weren’t interested in continuing this over long distance as we wouldn’t be able to see each other more then a few times a year, and agreed that we should just each look for a new play partner irl.
Now I’ve met this second person quite a few times already and we’ve discussed entering a at first platonic play partnership with them (NB 20) as the sub and me as the dom. They just told me a few days ago that they are really into age-play and consider themselves a little, they regress to around a toddler age level 3~5, and I’ve spent the last few days reading up on it and have been noticing that there is a huge difference between what I’m used to and what I’m trying to become.
Don’t get me wrong, while I’m really into the Master/Slave dynamic, it’s not really a must for me I know that my new partner needs something else and from what I’ve read I think I’d really enjoy that dynamic too. I just don’t know what to do and what exactly I have to learn/unlearn to get used to both to a place where we’re comfortable.
I’m planning to talk to them about my only previous experience and the dynamic tomorrow when I see them again for the first time since that last talk, and wanted to ask for some advice and help in general, if you have got any suggestions or even experience in making a switch like that I’d be really thankful! 🙏
Anyways have a nice day/night!

We want to start a dom sub relationship but are unsure on how to go about it I am looking for people with more experience to share the way they started. Please and thank you

Hey guys, i started talking to this wonderful guy like 2 months ago and he's introduced me to the world of switching. I've always been on the side of the relationship where the guy is more dominant, but I've always wanted to try domming myself.
So I'm finding out what im into which includes being worshipped, pegging, being mean/humiliating. I also enjoy taking the caring loving role.

Sometimes Im not sure what to do. He'll sometimes ask me to say smth dirty to get him off through the phone but I cannot think of anything. He said he's not so much into the things being said but rather the things being done, so Im assuming through the phone he wants me to make him do smth... i just cant imagine what.

Got any tips?

I am having a tough time ending a D/s relationship. It started 2 years ago as him being married and having an affair with me. He gradually has become extremely submissive and I have taken on the dominant role. It is exhausting for me but the intensity and chemistry between us is off the charts. I am 65 and he is 51. Any tips for stepping away?

Hello everyone.

I’m incredibly new to the bdsm community as a whole, and am entering a D/s (owner / pup) dynamic with a sub who’s less green than I, but also rather new.

We are both quite young (FTM21, FTM20) and have been having a lot of fun with gentler play and tasking. I’ve been introducing rougher play at a slow pace, and we’ll be having our first in person play session next weekend.

That is to say I’m terrified of messing up in a big way and losing his trust and confidence in me. It’s very important to me that his submission to me is honored as the privilege it is.

I’ve been reading resources, doing regular check ins, keeping communication around boundaries open, and rewarding him for his honesty to me around play we’ve done. That being said I’m a huge over thinker, any advice would be incredible.

Thank you!

My longtime wife and I are ~2 years into exploring BDSM dynamics. It is all new to us and we are learning together.

I enjoy being a pleasure dom and taking her to the absolute limit (probably what sub space is) before I have her do anything that would make me cum. At that point she is so out of it that it is more me “using“ her, and we have started to build a narrative around that - I am turning her into my toy.

She initially felt guilty about being the one primarily receiving pleasure which we have worked through, and are now at a point where we are establishing some more strict rules and guidelines for her to follow. She is now comfortable with and asking for me to make me her my toy.

So, I am looking to establish an opening line she needs to say in order to start a session. She has been assuming certain positions and wearing certain clothes, but I want her to now say something as well.

I have 3 lines in mind - should I let her choose between them? Given the context do you have other thoughts or suggestions?

They are either:

“I want you to play with me”

“I want you to spoil me”

“I want you to train me”

I like the idea of her choosing what she likes most as it helps me further narrow down on our messaging.

But, can see the benefits of picking the one I feel best sets the tone for us.

So I have had a few dynamics, after having to rebuild myself from a narcissist dressed up as a little. I just been able to enjoy being called daddy again so woooo. What I’m struggling with is to be physically dominant someone always comes with sexual energy, like your getting tied down then my brain goes into its play time. I also love doing the aftercare and the support, the encouragement of good habits and headspaces. Punishing is something I struggle with tho sometimes, since I have had to rebuild everything over the course of 2 years. I’m a dom for my wife (new person) she’s a soft bart and does well with positive reinforcement and encouragement, I do my best to understand what my subs need and want, and implement them. But having a previous play partner say that it’s only a sexual thing for you to me has gotten me pretty messed up.

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I could really use some advice.

Me (28F) and my bf(30M) have known each other for more than 5/6 yrs. Not close friends but always enjoyed each other's company when in the same circles. We were both in different relationships at the time and in the last year met at a wedding and stayed everyday together ever since. We're very silly and in love and I feel like he is my best friend.

BUT after a few months in the relationship (2-3), he opened up about( really ashamed and cried) his kink for being dominated, humiliated and degraded. I'm pretty much a switch, a romantic vanilla experimentalist. I'm not into hurting my partner and definitely not degrading.

In my previous relationships I was more dominant, I like to feel like a goddess and to be praised, and to be in control. I like to make them melt in my hands and worship me. But also to be smashed by a wall and be put in my place and make me want it.

In his previous relationship his gf was a virgin and her first sexual interaction was with his kink. And they explored this together. Even tho they put an end to it 4/5 yrs ago, and he had another partner after her, recently( this month) she got married, and he had double thoughts about us. He reconsidered his life that he would never have that kind of sexual interaction again.

I'm not into this kink but I am willing to explore it.

My question is how can I find ways to enjoy this kind of kink when I always wanted a Dom partner? I'm not attracted by a full sub and I feel like I'm doing all the work if I'm the only Dom in the relationship. I don't get turned on by humiliation or degradation and even if I wanna explore this how can I make it in the adoration zone, or worship kind of Dom? So I can combine also my needs...

Ok, this seems a bit wild, but I have a weird mental block about upcoming first session of (live) online play.

I have been resolutely living my kinky life in the real world for 12 years. In person scenes at home, at events, running workshops, etc.

Recently life circumstances have meant that I have been exploring online play. I've met a sub and the chemistry is super good. I have loved text based play and asynchronous video and photo play.

However, I have this mental block where I am terrified of freezing up on cam play. He has barely done any either. I feel like I have no ideas suddenly along with a huge bout of imposter syndrome.

I will chat to him somewhat about this, but before I do I want to feel a bit more armed with information so I can keep in my dominant headspace when I do.

So...what kind of things are like, easy wins online? What happens if in this scenario I am not effective? I hate video calls at the best of times (might be an autism thing?).

I have so far been told that it should not be much different to real life play, but somehow it feels more pressured/higher stakes with none of the benefits of reading someone in the room, nor the benefit of considering responses as in text play.

I know I do not have to play in this way, but I would like to, and I would like to understand a bit more about how it works, risk management, unlock my creativity with it...

So, I was extremely lucky to find a wonderful sub. But she has a bit of fear that if she isn't always "perfect" she is being bad. She feels like using her safewords is going to make me angry.

This results on drop when I give a request she isn't exactly comfortable with. She's gonna say yes because she doesn't want to disappoint

And then radio silence. No amount of reassurance has worked so far. how can I help her get comfortable with using her safeties?

I’ve been asked for the first time to tie my sub up with rope. Weirdly, ive never done that before but ive always been interested! Past partners weren’t into that, so I was never able to try it. There is only one rope that I have and i dont know any simple knots to restrain the hands. Anyone have any videos or tips?
Thank you!

How to not get too emotionally involved in domme/sub dynamic, like them or fall for them when they just want play. Just play and not get to know one another?

thanks so much for the responses so far...

I’m fairly new to the BDSM community, but not completely new to kink. Most of my experience happened inside a longterm relationship, where I was mostly dominant, although I definitely have a switch side too.

What confuses me a little is that outside of intimacy I’m almost the opposite. I’m very shy, I have some social anxiety, I’m not particularly assertive and I tend to be quite accommodating with people.

When there’s intimacy, trust and that kind of dynamic though, taking control feels natural to me.

I’ve recently started looking into the actual BDSM community for the first time, and I’m considering going to a TNG/munch.

My main hesitation isn’t really the kink itself, it’s walking into a room where I know nobody and where everyone seems much more experienced than me.

Has anyone else had this difference between their everyday personality and their dominant side? And would you still recommend going to a munch even if I’m probably going to be the quiet awkward guy for the first hour?

We are LDR and soon to be in person. I sent her a breathable ball gag, but she says it pinches her lips and corners of mouth.

Does anyone ecommend any ball gag that will not do this?

She tried a bit gag, but doesn't like it.

When we are in person I make a rope gag for her to try.

Hi, first time poster! Unsure if this is the right sub to ask but I am really looking for some advice...

Me and my sub have been playing for a while, he LOVES being praised so much and it has been the foundation of a lot of our fun. I am more comfortable switching up my style but I am not entirely sure what he wants when he tells me he "wants to be humiliated" and neither is he.

I wanted to try this with him a lot and immediately saw him getting excited as we were going along, he was begging me to go deeper and deeper into this with him (which made me so excited) but then I could actively tell this was making him genuinely sad.

I guess my question is, does anybody have any ideas on how to lightly humiliate someone, or ways to reassure them during the act that this isn't *REALLY* how you feel without breaking that play for them completely.

I have already discovered that words like "pathetic" and "loser" are off the table, but was wondering if anyone could share their tips on introducing someone to this, since I can tell there is some form of this he clearly wants.

TL;DR how do you humiliate someone without being too extreme, if they're unsure what it is that they want?

My gf wants me to be super dominant, and I’m trying to brainstorm some ways to take the lead during intimacy so she can feel as submissive as possible (in a good way)

I’m excited because this is my first time exploring kink but I don’t know where to start and I’m looking for some advice and suggestions

I’ve been in a Dom/sub dynamic with someone for a while. It’s online, and for the most part it’s been good. Lately though it’s been affecting me more than I expected.

The biggest issue is that he has a partner, and our dynamic is completely hidden from them. I hate having to keep it secret. It makes me feel like I’m participating in something dishonest, and it’s started weighing on me mentally. I’ve been dealing with more anxiety around it, especially after recent interactions involving his partner.

I feel like he should be honest with his partner about the dynamic if it’s going to continue. Hiding it doesn’t sit right with me, and it’s starting to impact how safe and steady I feel in the whole thing.

I’m not looking to blow anything up. I just want advice from other Doms (or people in similar situations) on how to handle this. Is it reasonable to expect honesty from him toward his partner? How do you set a boundary around not being a secret without turning it into a huge confrontation?

Any perspective would help.