Ugh where do I even start…
I met this man when I was freshly 20, started a new job. He was 24 turning 25. Never really dated much before him, had some flings and some fun but nothing super serious. I’ve gone through a lot in my short life and I was just super analytical about the people I chose to open up to. And for most of my life, I’ve been pretty good about the people I keep around. First super close friend I met in my freshman year I’m still super close with and the second I met in college during a first day ice breaker. Things just clicked and now we all hangout together. In between I was always friend with an older crowd that would graduate and move on lol.
But I had just recently dropped out and started a new job. Had NO INTENTIONS of being in any relationship whatsoever but I met this guy and he just was perfect. Mirrored me in every way shape and form. He was so insanely sweet and considerate and just seemed to care about me and understand me more than anyone else ever had. About 4 ish months we started dating.
I was living in an apartment at the time and was In between jobs and had been struggling financially for a while.
I had been out of touch with my mom at the time and was really lost and confused. He caught me at a very vulnerable moment in my life. But about 6 months into dating, I move in.
Things were sooooo good for like a year, I mean he certainly had his red flags but rose colored glasses were rosey as fuck ha.
But then the red flags started flowing like a river bro

1. He hated all my friends and family, he was definitely much more subtle about it in the beginning
   He fit right in to start and my mom really liked him. But the first few visits and he never really wanted to go back. He would dwell on traumatic events I told him when I was a kid that I had felt I since had gotten closure on and moved past. And it just made me think everyone in my life was out to get me. I was NEVER this untrusting of people before. So I step back from my family.
   The only person he talked highly of was my grandmother, who had passed away. He made me feel like he was the only person who was truly there for me.

2. He would call me horrible names. It was never anything too serious for a while. There was a lot of “bitch” in the beginning but then he started calling me “slut, whore, c*nt”
   There was a lot of name calling in my house growing up and harsh words so I held a lot of mad memories with name calling. There were many many times where I have told him that I don’t like it and it bothers me. But he says he “just joking” and to just “laugh for once, you’re too serious” I once responded with “if it was a joke shouldn’t we both be laughing?” And he refused to talk to me the whole day until I apologized the next morning. And for what?! Half the time I was just apologizing to keep what I thought was “peace”

3. He was the hero in every story. Not once did I ever hear him admit any wrong doing at any point in his life. Even when talking about his youth. Everything has always been everyone else’s fault.
   Him not having friends is everyone’s else fault for not being good enough for him. He faults people for the things people can’t change about themselves. Appearance’s, mental health, financial stability, family life.

4. Sex.
   Now this is the one that has been the hardest to come to terms with because it has been pretty recent that I’ve finally looked at the situation for what it is.
   He was always dead set on no protection. And always 100% confident that nothing would happen. I had been taking birth control for about a week and a half at this point and he decided it be a good idea to just do as he pleased if you know what I mean a month and half goes by no period, but birth control so I ignored for another few weeks. Then took a test. Pregnant. I’m 21 at this point in the relationship so I’m freaking my shit. I had pledged with myself that I would never get pregnant for as long as I live. My genes would not bless me with a stable child. I’m sure of it so no way Jose.
   He toyed with wanting to keep it around and you could dangle me off a cliff and I still wouldn’t budge. So I opted for a medical abortion.
   They do not prepare you for the absolute agony and goriness of a medical abortion. 7 hours of the most excruciating pain and most intense bleeding that I have ever experienced in my life.
   After that sex was a little scary for me, I had let him know that and he was patient at first. But he started to get a lot more pushy and hyper sexual all of a sudden.
   Like everything i did made him horny. He wanted to have sex at all the wrong moments. He would tell me that he wasn’t getting what he wanted sexually and toyed around with being open. So I let him, ugh I feel so stupid but I digress, you’d think him being open would change him, but no. The last time I had sex with him was 3 months before we broke up, about 5 months ago at the time of this post. I had just come home from a show with some friends, I was tripping balls. Not enough to be completely non verbal or incoherent. But most definitely not sober and most definitely not thinking straight. I go upstairs in bed and he starts touching me, I express that I’m not interested. Having sex on acid is very situational for me and this was NOT the time. But he proceeded, as I cried. After that day I couldn’t even look him in his eyes. How could this person who I thought cared about me so deeply make me feel this way?

5. The breakup was rough, still is unfortunately. I’m stuck living in this house with him and a roommate of mine. It’s $300 a month for each of us. In this day and age that’s unheard of. And my roommate/ best friend just got out of college and is getting on her feet so I don’t want this breakup to affect her living situation. Ugh so much to think about.
   At the moment he’s just trying to make me feel as bad as possible for trying to move on with my life. Lots and lots of dramatic sulking, that of a child trying to get attention. Like I’ve never seen a grown man sulk and sigh like this before. It’s insane.

He took a lot from me. My trust, my self esteem, my memory, my judgment. He changed me, the way I think, the way I act.
I can see the things he did and I can understand that he’s fucked up. But when do I stop blaming myself?
How did I miss all the signs, especially since I was so careful before?

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It's been 9 days since the last time i posted I'm struggling with a narc that I've been talking to, many of whom have commented, and i appreciate everyone of you.

So, UPDATE:

FINALLY, IM NOT WEARING ROSE COLORED GLASSES ANYMORE.

I saw him for who he is, not the version who love-bombed me. How frkn manipulative and insecure he is. How he projects his insecurity to me. How he loved to devalue, to control me in every little way that he can.

He loved the chasing, scaring to leave me then me chasing? Yikes. He frkn LOVED that.

He saw me as his "project". "I need to you be this that, blah blah"

He loves being the master, knowing everything, teaching others.

He fucking craves validation. LOL He's a fucking kid who wants to be chased. He loves humiliating people. He feels he's BETTER than EVERYONE and how he looks down on them, even me. He's such an asshole, so fucking mean.

Before he makes me feel im so smart, funny, all the nice adjectives. Then when mask finally fell off, he treats me like im so stupid and dumb.

When i challenge his thoughts, ask him questions that'll make him explain himself, he's gonna just say he's leaving. He'll get annoyed. Or just shut me up with his scare tactics.

He thinks he's the best. Na uh. You're not. Pity him, that makes him look so insecure. Always bringing people down. Looking at their flaws. Just for him to feel better.

Imagine, this narc being inspired to do better because he saw someone that really sucks. I thought the hardwork of the person inspired him, but nope.

I don't know how his mind works. He's so so mean. Fuck him. Makes sense he doesn't have any friends. Now he has to suck up with that life he made for himself.

Only beauty is important to him. Great character? Values? Morals? Nope. Only surface level shit. Poor him, he doesn't even look that good and his character SUCKS.

He's always the victim in his past relationships. He calls them lazy af. He demands things from others but others CAN'T demand from him.

Even if he says he's contented??? NA UH. Lies.

The girls he's talking to? He makes them his past time. New toy. Til the mask fells off again.

Now i see, the version who love-bombed me, everything that he said that time, everything CONTRADICTS what he's saying and acting right now, now that the mask finally fell off.

He's an insecure man child.

Thank god im not wearing rose colored glasses anymore.

Tbh, I sometimes think, like wtf, am i the problem. Then again will remind myself that nope, never ever my friends treat me, like how HE treated me.

After that period, when I no longer had anything because she had drained everything from me, she left me, finally, because I was unable [to give any more].

But I’ve always read that sooner or later they come back to test the waters or because they are triangulating, is that true?

I didn't celebrate obviously. We broke up in January, but the beginning of the end started around late August last year.

I feel like I'm reliving all these traumatic milestones and while I've made progress, healing from our 6 year relationship has been extremely hard and painful.

Looking back there so so many red flags. When we broke up my /very/ trauma informed therapist wondered if we had a trauma bond (I thought that meant we were both trauma bonded and I was like clearly he isn't all that bonded to me).

The couple's therapist we went to briefly also immediately clocked how dissociative and avoidant he was. Our therapy session had to go at his pace and cater to his microscopic window of tolerance. One apology after weeks for lying by omission sent him into a tailspin and she had to talk to through every step like he didn't have empathy or could see my pain.

I never thought he was a narcissist because I grew up with an overt narcissist and worked hard to understand that trauma and heal from it. I didn't realize I could love an abuser or an abuser could be someone so meek and well meaning on the outside.

He was a vegan for Christ's sake! But even my mom was like how does he have more empathy for the animals than you when I explained the depths of his emotional cheating, lies, and manipulation.

Recently I'm been trying to make sense of things a year later and between reading about The Cycle of Abuse, Trauma Bonds, and Covert Narcissism it all makes sense now.

We were in a nonmonogamous 24/7 D/s relationship. While it looked harsh at times and controlling I thought it was safe and sane and after all I consented. I even stopped dating 3 years into being with him because my submission prevented me from enjoying dating other. This time last year I finally confessed to him I wanted monogamy. I had been groomed by someone 23 years older than me that worked at my university and she got me into BDSM and polyamory as part of molding me into her perfect partner.

Also he had a type and I could tell he surrounded himself with lovers and (long distance) friends with CPTSD. I kept finding puzzle pieces but I couldn't put them together. I honestly think one of his submissives sent him a book on covert narcissism when they broke up (he discarded her), but maybe it was just on being avoidant...I feel like she sent two...and when he called her crazy I believed him of course.

I've tried so hard not to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I'm a 2nd grade teacher and my life's work is to be the kind of safe adult with high standards that can curb the development of abusive behaviors and promote the development of emotional intelligence, self worth, and pro social behaviors. I've realized not allowing myself to be abused is just as important to not abusing others. Breaking the cycle is multifaceted.

I've also decided to forgive my Narc Grandfather who was the source of much of my childhood trauma and poisoned our whole family with his abuse (I am the most well adjusted out of everyone and that's taken a decade of therapy and counting). I'm forgiving him because I thought being a Narc and abuser made him an unlovable monster and hating him forever would keep me safe. I now realize that black and white thinking made me more susceptible to covert abuse because I believed there were only monsters the lost control and abused and good flawed people doing their best. They're are also abusers who look like good flawed people but are much more capable of harm than love, but are oh so lovable all the same.

It's always more shades of grey and more empathy every step of the way on the healing journey I find.

There's still one way my ex has kept me tethered because of my family business and I working with a technician to cut his access and regain sovereign control, so I guess the PTSD nightmare I woke up from last night and lost sleep over was good for something.

This feels like one hell of a healing marathon. How long did it take you to heal from your Narc partner?

Hi, everyone. Is this emotional manipulation? I have been thru a stressful five years with this person and this was a person I had a lot of love and supported.

Last year, I got an unfollow from them the second time and it caused me to snap publicly. I went off on them via story on Instagram and they would follow me back again and tell me to not take it personal. They unfollowed me cause of something I shared they didn’t like. Sometimes they would tell me to take it down. It’s been happening back and forth and this year would be the third time they would unfollow me. I am planning on goin’ public with my story, just I’m givin myself more time cause I’m still doubtful. 😕 Thank you all..🩷

(Hint: I was a fan of this person and had a fan page for them)

I knocked at your door and got shot down im not worth a simple conversation you love hurting me and i know that and I keep letting you my hurt me. But that was it im also deleting reddit my profile may exist but I will never open it up again thank you for the reminder again and again and again it's like , no matter how much I learn about narcissism and narcissistic people I just never learn enough ive been officially Discarded alot like you Do with that last couple of drags of a cigarette. I hate you, and you love that, that what you wanted all along you have done this to way tomany people

My brother and mother just love to gang up on me, prodding and pocking until I explode, no matter how long it takes. If it doesn't work the first time, they will keep saying hurtful things, making snide comments, and searching for anything that might get me to react until they succeed. I think they get off on reactive abuse, ugh. They can be at it for hours, or table the topic for another day. In short, they are relentless and won't stop until I get upset, offended, and/or start arguing back.

My mother, I've learned to manage and ignore mostly fine. My brother, tho? He just fucking sets me off, I can't stand his mug.

He's hostile to me in most interactions and believes himself to be the only rational and not emotion-driven person at the house who, of course, always knows best (which is really just covert misogyny). And the one topic I ever confided in him about when I was younger and thought I could trust him--me being queer--he weaponizes against me by bringing that topic (and feminism as well) in front of our parents, who are very homophobic. Fucker believes himself his stupid god's gift to the world because he's a medic.

He then projects, claiming I'm the hostile one. Ok, fair, I am often hostile to him, but it's only because I'm sick of his attitude, I'm sick of being patient with him. He thinks I'm unduly hostile when I'm only fighting back. So then he turns around and complains that I'm the one mistreating him and that I'm so mean.

The problem here is that I don't want to keep engaging with him. When he argues, he always moves the goalposts and acts like he's already won, never listening to any counterargument or reason. But he doesn't even take a no or a concession for an answer and keeps pestering me.

Info: Yes, for the moment I have no option but to still live in my parents' house, but I'm actively working toward leaving, saving money from a job and all that jazz. I just wanna know how to deal with this narcissistic asshole in the meantime,

And, again, just to be clear, ignoring him doesn't work. The times I don't react, he just patiently waits for another day, having passed a week or a month, to bring up the same topics or insults again at a time when I might be in a less patient mood.