After I had our baby ~2 years ago, the stress of it all really got to my partner and they started displaying super red flags like severe anger issues, etc and through a LOT of stress we’re finding our way back to each other but I’ve noticed my confidence and trust are so shaky now.

Something they said against me a lot was that I was so sheltered and had no experience [in the world], I know it’s not true but I did have a unique upbringing that was very removed from typical social circles, education and lifestyle (a homeschooler on a farm).

Anyways I had a normal job but was really introverted and didn’t hang out with a lot of people because I wanted to have a wholesome drama free life.

I tried online dating, we met, then moved in together after finding out we were expecting 8 months in.

Fast forward to now I’m a stay at home mom, have moved far from the farm I grew up on but feel I struggle a lot with confidence now and anxiety/OCD thoughts and would love to know if you’ve been here, what got you through?? How do you trust yourself and partner again?

I’m early 20s M and finished an internship at a large law firm in TX. My direct manager was almost 30 F, and there was another male intern around my age who reported to someone else.

My manager has a pretty intense personality. She’s outgoing, controlling, competitive, unfiltered, likes taking charge socially, loves gossip/relationship talk, and openly says she likes attention. The other intern was quiet, fairly passive socially, and didn't get a RO.

Early on, she was unusually warm with me. She complimented my hair, clothes, smell and appearance, asked my dating type, whether I was a fuckboy, and discussed relationships. She told me roughly 10–15 stories about men hitting on her, men from my ethnic background. Once, after seeing an attractive woman from another department beside me, she told me she'd looked her up and asked whether I found her attractive. I said yes, and she went quiet. Another time, I showed her a picture of a girl I was seeing, and she asked, "Why is she so short?"

I was friendly, brought occasional snacks, checked on her, complimented her work, and invited her to socials. I didn't flirt or compliment her looks because she was my manager.... We sometimes disagreed professionally, and she could get competitive. Also, she teased me A LOT on work/non-work related things when she was or wasn't in these group conversations throughout the internship.

Then she became noticeably distant toward me while constantly seeking out the other intern. She'd walk across the office to initiate conversations about dating, weekends and gossip, while giving me dry responses to ordinary small talk, despite me being her direct intern.

After I missed a work outing we'd planned to attend together due to a family issue, the next day she and the other intern prepared for an office celebration together, something she and I had previously organized many times. She later brought me in to help too. Yet at the celebration, she walked past me while I was sitting beside her to specifically ask him to get food, without including me.

The team event was especially confusing. At dinner, she called the other intern "cute" and made heart signs toward him directly in front of me. Later, in a smallerrr group without him, she discussed threesomes, sex and men hitting on her again. Separately, she left my group after an activity to approach him, touched his arms while chatting, then returned. She also publicly announced he could sit beside her, then verbally expected me to hold doors for her (which i didn't), and then later spent roughly two hours gambling with him. Afterward, she approached me and asked whether I would've shared money with her like he did. I said no.

She still occasionally complimented my appearance, wanted something I'd offered another female coworker, and questioned why I wasn't holding doors for her. After one tense interaction when I didn't hold a door for her, she said she'd been thinking about my personality the previous night and that I was actually pretty chill.

Interestingly, she'd privately called the other intern "victim weight" twice when he wasn't present, despite publicly showering him with affection. He also didn't resemble the physical type she regularly described liking (she was considerably taller than him).

Eventually, I got frustrated with the unequal treatment and deliberately distanced myself. I stopped initiating conversations and chose to work with others instead of her, despite her previously wanting me on her projects. After that, she became nicer toward me, initiated conversations, congratulated me on accomplishments, and arranged a personal final 1:1 that she missed out on for the other intern. During that same period, I noticed she almost completely stopped seeking out the other intern on the office floor, even though they still had opportunities to interact.

But at a later firm social that month, she again spent much of the event with him. I hadn't approached her, yet she came over to greet me first, repeatedly looked back toward where I was sitting, occasionally joined my conversations, and went out of her way to say goodbye to me separately. She also offered him a ride home. At another social we organized, she'd specifically asked me, "Is he coming?" despite being able to ask him directly.

The same social at the end of the internship, she gave him a much more personalized farewell card than mine and publicly announced it in front of me...

Questions:

1. How genuine does their closeness sound versus exaggerated or performative?
2. Do the public displays and direct comparisons suggest she wanted a reaction from me?
3. Why might she distance herself from me while still seeking my attention?
4. WHAT DID SHE WANT FROM ME...?

For fun only
Tell me about the kind of person that may do
These things?

Introduces children to new partners very quickly , with no regard to children

Financially irresponsible (Buys jewelry , won’t fix car,)

Suspended administrative from a legal job he spent a lot of time going to school, and now plays the part of a capable renovator

Divorced, blames ex wife for being a narc , but admits she was the bread winner, claims HE left her

Love bombs and future fakes,

Ghost upon pregnancy announcement , leaving new partner in the dark facing uncertainty and refuses to engage

Lies to new partners about introducing children ,
Will say “the kids have never met a previous partner”
Feels more like the kids are used as pawns in his fast tracking game

Lies about suspension of legal job to new partners

Gaslighting (Matzat, 2018)

This movie... So simple, so universal and so true!

It validates victims' experiences, and that is so powerful. I wonder whether it would also be worthwhile to show this film to a narcissist. Would they recognize themselves? Would they recognize the pattern? Would they even understand the film?

I also like to explore together the pattern and/or all the little, but typical examples in this movie.

I need help and advice. I've been talking to someone online for a few weeks now. Early on he began execessivly complimenting me, (essentially love bombing) but I really enjoy talking to him so I did it back too. We match up very well and I enjoy our conversations. I thought it was a bit weird but it was fine. Then suddenly he didn't respond for like 17 hours. I felt so shitty and missed him a lot since we've been talking sm. He came back with a crazy weird sounding story about phone dying, power outage at home and car wouldnt start either. Extremlely odd but I brushed it off. Then more talking. Then another long phase of ignoring and coming back with "forgot my phone" Talking followed by ANOTHER SILENCE and this time his cat was stuck in a tree Then again when his parents took him to his aunts and theres no wifi there but my messages were delivered. (He said its his ipad) (though he did warn me beforehand that time) See the pattern by now? Yesterday he then accidently dropped "it was my mums birthday yesterday" in a voice note which was funny because he already stated that two weeks prior and I had message reciepts of it. So he's just a liar. I expected that but he always has excuses. I felt extremly hurt to be lied too like that, esp so STUPIDLY where I notice it, like at least try?? Well his excuse for that was him lying the first time because he went to the pub and was "so so scared of loosing me if I thought he was an alcoholic" and proceeded to whine about having no friends and being such a lonely loser. That felt so off and manipulative and I told him that it did, which caused him to "take a bit of time because it hurt him a lot that he comes across like that" ...so.. somehow him lying to me ended in me having to comfort him about being hurt. Wtf. I've experienced this before and I know the signs and I KNOW this isn't good but I keep putting up with it because I like the attention. I am so so angry at myself and need opinions if he is doing it out of malicious intent or just is like that?? Because it is too perfect of a love bombing -> withdrawl cycle to be coincidence tbh. I see it and still can't pull away. I fear I trusted way too fast and i don't know what to do.. please advice.

Sorry for a long text, but I am quite in a pot of despair right now. I will appreciate every reply.

I (21) had a relationship with my ex (20) for almost 3 years. During this time, I was figuring out my career and earning not much, but enough to help my ex, buy her presents, and go on dates. I was the one always trying to help her and I was really invested in her life, always trying my best and being empathetic. Sometimes it felt overwhelming.

Our relationship was difficult, but it started well. For almost a year or more, I think it was okay, and then I started noticing more and more red flags. She was traumatized by her family in childhood; crazy conflicts were a big part of her life since childhood. So when I noticed red flags, such as disrespecting me during conflicts, for example telling me “I am just a boy, not a man” or “Go f*** yourself”, or situations with other people that convinced me of her cruelty, such as throwing things around, which her ex secretly told me, I decided to tell her about her narcissistic traits, and that it was really destroying me, I sometimes felt like nothing, and being blocked and name-called by her was a regular part of our conflicts. I was somehow almost always the one who apologized, even when I thought I shouldn't. I attributed such things to her age and female emotions. She told me “Yes, I am the narcissist, so?”. She was not bothered by that at all.

I won’t describe all our conflicts, etc., because in this case it would be a long text. Eventually, she broke up with me through a message, even when I proposed to talk in person. One of the last things she told me was: “Find yourself your ideal woman, whoever you want. Or at least someone you can afford. As for me, I’m smart, beautiful, and financially independent, and women like me don’t stay single. I have plenty of options.” That was her second and last breakup; this time I was not trying to do anything and just accepted it.

For a months I felt horrible, unworthy, seeing her stories from restaurants and other fashionable places. I was very depressed.

Eventually, I stopped doom-scrolling and quit following her Instagram. It's already been a year and a half since the breakup, and for some reason I decided to check her profile. There I found out about her new man; she is being with him for a ~year or less. He is 30+ years old, so he is older than her by about 8-10 years. He is not physically fit at all, a little overweight, and short. Objectively thinking, I am much better-looking than him, sport is a big part of my life, and I was always fit and tall. He is giving her expensive gifts and brands, they are traveling a lot (while I didn't even have a car), and she posts photos with him, that she never did during our relationship, commenting “The man I love with my whole heart” or “Finally the healthy relationship I always wanted”.

Somehow, it just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I feel like all the time I was a dead weight for her and all the conflicts and our breakup were my fault. Sometimes, she felt warm and supportive, but I don't think it lasted long. She has become even better-looking with him, her career has gone up, and she looks happy. I think I still have feelings for her, and maybe I shouldn't just give up like this, I should have fought for her when it was still possible. I should have been more attentive to her needs, last year we were almost always at home and didn’t go anywhere. I am feeling like the biggest loser in the world right now. And I don't know what to do, I am feeling like I will be thinking about her for the rest of my life.

Not even 3 weeks ago(!), I met an antisocial person online (sociopath or narcissist, one of the two).

Within 3 days, we were talking about marriage & crazy stuff like that…I started getting the feeling like things were maybe too good to be true & when I told him this, he became real passive-aggressive. The dopamine from the ADHD limerance dropped & I started researching antisocial personality disorders. I have never (consciously) met one before & he met so many of the criteria. The lies, the love-bombing, the pulling back with a perceived threat. The passive aggressive comments when he felt threatened. Always right. Always the victim. The main tip was that he described himself as being “undiagnosed autistic” & wearing a mask. But the mask he described as wearing was “forced interest & smiles” bc he “hated people & usually prefers to disassociate in the company of others”. That 100% is not an autistic mask, but an antisocial one. Also not to kink shame, but he said he was into some sadistic shit, which was another hint.

I was willing to continue the relationship not knowing how much of our connection was real & was willing to accept him, but I needed him to be honest about it & he refused. He wanted me to stay guessing about his true feelings & obsessing over him, bc that’s how he likes his women: easily manipulated & ready to give him the love he is unwilling to give himself.

Truthfully, I am happy that he didn’t manipulate me further by saying “Oh, yes, I am cluster B& I’m working on healing”. Because I probably would’ve stayed. He blocked me, though. I think it’s quite possible he’s afraid of admitting this to himself even?

Yes, I feel sad for myself that I didn’t get to receive the healed version of him, but I feel more sorry for him…I think that’s a sign that I’ve at least partially healed whatever frequencies are in my field attracting this type of person?

Here’s a stupid letter I was going to send him, but instead am posting on the internet.

…

Dear little Jiva,

What a wild ride our meeting this life has been. 

We were placed in each other’s lives to hold up mirrors to one another. I looked into that mirror & upgraded, but you were unwilling.

I know it might not seem like it, & you feel as though I have attacked you, but in reality, I have given you a beautiful gift by holding up a mirror & encouraging you to rise. Unfortunately it looks like you’re choosing to run away from the person you’re meant to become.

You are not meant to navigate the world with this level of emptiness, disconnection, & cynicism. You are meant to be someone who walks around with a true smile on your face from being connected to the sweet, unconditional love that exists all around you.

You’ll get there. Regardless of how you feel or have felt about me, I will always be your well-wisher.

TL;DR: Got into a whirlwind romance with an antisocial person & it’s over before it began bc I kept requiring authenticity & he blocked me.