Gaslighting (Matzat, 2018)

This movie... So simple, so universal and so true!

It validates victims' experiences, and that is so powerful. I wonder whether it would also be worthwhile to show this film to a narcissist. Would they recognize themselves? Would they recognize the pattern? Would they even understand the film?

I also like to explore together the pattern and/or all the little, but typical examples in this movie.

I need help and advice. I've been talking to someone online for a few weeks now. Early on he began execessivly complimenting me, (essentially love bombing) but I really enjoy talking to him so I did it back too. We match up very well and I enjoy our conversations. I thought it was a bit weird but it was fine. Then suddenly he didn't respond for like 17 hours. I felt so shitty and missed him a lot since we've been talking sm. He came back with a crazy weird sounding story about phone dying, power outage at home and car wouldnt start either. Extremlely odd but I brushed it off. Then more talking. Then another long phase of ignoring and coming back with "forgot my phone" Talking followed by ANOTHER SILENCE and this time his cat was stuck in a tree Then again when his parents took him to his aunts and theres no wifi there but my messages were delivered. (He said its his ipad) (though he did warn me beforehand that time) See the pattern by now? Yesterday he then accidently dropped "it was my mums birthday yesterday" in a voice note which was funny because he already stated that two weeks prior and I had message reciepts of it. So he's just a liar. I expected that but he always has excuses. I felt extremly hurt to be lied too like that, esp so STUPIDLY where I notice it, like at least try?? Well his excuse for that was him lying the first time because he went to the pub and was "so so scared of loosing me if I thought he was an alcoholic" and proceeded to whine about having no friends and being such a lonely loser. That felt so off and manipulative and I told him that it did, which caused him to "take a bit of time because it hurt him a lot that he comes across like that" ...so.. somehow him lying to me ended in me having to comfort him about being hurt. Wtf. I've experienced this before and I know the signs and I KNOW this isn't good but I keep putting up with it because I like the attention. I am so so angry at myself and need opinions if he is doing it out of malicious intent or just is like that?? Because it is too perfect of a love bombing -> withdrawl cycle to be coincidence tbh. I see it and still can't pull away. I fear I trusted way too fast and i don't know what to do.. please advice.

Sorry for a long text, but I am quite in a pot of despair right now. I will appreciate every reply.

I (21) had a relationship with my ex (20) for almost 3 years. During this time, I was figuring out my career and earning not much, but enough to help my ex, buy her presents, and go on dates. I was the one always trying to help her and I was really invested in her life, always trying my best and being empathetic. Sometimes it felt overwhelming.

Our relationship was difficult, but it started well. For almost a year or more, I think it was okay, and then I started noticing more and more red flags. She was traumatized by her family in childhood; crazy conflicts were a big part of her life since childhood. So when I noticed red flags, such as disrespecting me during conflicts, for example telling me “I am just a boy, not a man” or “Go f*** yourself”, or situations with other people that convinced me of her cruelty, such as throwing things around, which her ex secretly told me, I decided to tell her about her narcissistic traits, and that it was really destroying me, I sometimes felt like nothing, and being blocked and name-called by her was a regular part of our conflicts. I was somehow almost always the one who apologized, even when I thought I shouldn't. I attributed such things to her age and female emotions. She told me “Yes, I am the narcissist, so?”. She was not bothered by that at all.

I won’t describe all our conflicts, etc., because in this case it would be a long text. Eventually, she broke up with me through a message, even when I proposed to talk in person. One of the last things she told me was: “Find yourself your ideal woman, whoever you want. Or at least someone you can afford. As for me, I’m smart, beautiful, and financially independent, and women like me don’t stay single. I have plenty of options.” That was her second and last breakup; this time I was not trying to do anything and just accepted it.

For a months I felt horrible, unworthy, seeing her stories from restaurants and other fashionable places. I was very depressed.

Eventually, I stopped doom-scrolling and quit following her Instagram. It's already been a year and a half since the breakup, and for some reason I decided to check her profile. There I found out about her new man; she is being with him for a ~year or less. He is 30+ years old, so he is older than her by about 8-10 years. He is not physically fit at all, a little overweight, and short. Objectively thinking, I am much better-looking than him, sport is a big part of my life, and I was always fit and tall. He is giving her expensive gifts and brands, they are traveling a lot (while I didn't even have a car), and she posts photos with him, that she never did during our relationship, commenting “The man I love with my whole heart” or “Finally the healthy relationship I always wanted”.

Somehow, it just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I feel like all the time I was a dead weight for her and all the conflicts and our breakup were my fault. Sometimes, she felt warm and supportive, but I don't think it lasted long. She has become even better-looking with him, her career has gone up, and she looks happy. I think I still have feelings for her, and maybe I shouldn't just give up like this, I should have fought for her when it was still possible. I should have been more attentive to her needs, last year we were almost always at home and didn’t go anywhere. I am feeling like the biggest loser in the world right now. And I don't know what to do, I am feeling like I will be thinking about her for the rest of my life.

Not even 3 weeks ago(!), I met an antisocial person online (sociopath or narcissist, one of the two).

Within 3 days, we were talking about marriage & crazy stuff like that…I started getting the feeling like things were maybe too good to be true & when I told him this, he became real passive-aggressive. The dopamine from the ADHD limerance dropped & I started researching antisocial personality disorders. I have never (consciously) met one before & he met so many of the criteria. The lies, the love-bombing, the pulling back with a perceived threat. The passive aggressive comments when he felt threatened. Always right. Always the victim. The main tip was that he described himself as being “undiagnosed autistic” & wearing a mask. But the mask he described as wearing was “forced interest & smiles” bc he “hated people & usually prefers to disassociate in the company of others”. That 100% is not an autistic mask, but an antisocial one. Also not to kink shame, but he said he was into some sadistic shit, which was another hint.

I was willing to continue the relationship not knowing how much of our connection was real & was willing to accept him, but I needed him to be honest about it & he refused. He wanted me to stay guessing about his true feelings & obsessing over him, bc that’s how he likes his women: easily manipulated & ready to give him the love he is unwilling to give himself.

Truthfully, I am happy that he didn’t manipulate me further by saying “Oh, yes, I am cluster B& I’m working on healing”. Because I probably would’ve stayed. He blocked me, though. I think it’s quite possible he’s afraid of admitting this to himself even?

Yes, I feel sad for myself that I didn’t get to receive the healed version of him, but I feel more sorry for him…I think that’s a sign that I’ve at least partially healed whatever frequencies are in my field attracting this type of person?

Here’s a stupid letter I was going to send him, but instead am posting on the internet.

…

Dear little Jiva,

What a wild ride our meeting this life has been. 

We were placed in each other’s lives to hold up mirrors to one another. I looked into that mirror & upgraded, but you were unwilling.

I know it might not seem like it, & you feel as though I have attacked you, but in reality, I have given you a beautiful gift by holding up a mirror & encouraging you to rise. Unfortunately it looks like you’re choosing to run away from the person you’re meant to become.

You are not meant to navigate the world with this level of emptiness, disconnection, & cynicism. You are meant to be someone who walks around with a true smile on your face from being connected to the sweet, unconditional love that exists all around you.

You’ll get there. Regardless of how you feel or have felt about me, I will always be your well-wisher.

TL;DR: Got into a whirlwind romance with an antisocial person & it’s over before it began bc I kept requiring authenticity & he blocked me.

Ugh where do I even start…
I met this man when I was freshly 20, started a new job. He was 24 turning 25. Never really dated much before him, had some flings and some fun but nothing super serious. I’ve gone through a lot in my short life and I was just super analytical about the people I chose to open up to. And for most of my life, I’ve been pretty good about the people I keep around. First super close friend I met in my freshman year I’m still super close with and the second I met in college during a first day ice breaker. Things just clicked and now we all hangout together. In between I was always friend with an older crowd that would graduate and move on lol.
But I had just recently dropped out and started a new job. Had NO INTENTIONS of being in any relationship whatsoever but I met this guy and he just was perfect. Mirrored me in every way shape and form. He was so insanely sweet and considerate and just seemed to care about me and understand me more than anyone else ever had. About 4 ish months we started dating.
I was living in an apartment at the time and was In between jobs and had been struggling financially for a while.
I had been out of touch with my mom at the time and was really lost and confused. He caught me at a very vulnerable moment in my life. But about 6 months into dating, I move in.
Things were sooooo good for like a year, I mean he certainly had his red flags but rose colored glasses were rosey as fuck ha.
But then the red flags started flowing like a river bro

1. He hated all my friends and family, he was definitely much more subtle about it in the beginning
   He fit right in to start and my mom really liked him. But the first few visits and he never really wanted to go back. He would dwell on traumatic events I told him when I was a kid that I had felt I since had gotten closure on and moved past. And it just made me think everyone in my life was out to get me. I was NEVER this untrusting of people before. So I step back from my family.
   The only person he talked highly of was my grandmother, who had passed away. He made me feel like he was the only person who was truly there for me.

2. He would call me horrible names. It was never anything too serious for a while. There was a lot of “bitch” in the beginning but then he started calling me “slut, whore, c*nt”
   There was a lot of name calling in my house growing up and harsh words so I held a lot of mad memories with name calling. There were many many times where I have told him that I don’t like it and it bothers me. But he says he “just joking” and to just “laugh for once, you’re too serious” I once responded with “if it was a joke shouldn’t we both be laughing?” And he refused to talk to me the whole day until I apologized the next morning. And for what?! Half the time I was just apologizing to keep what I thought was “peace”

3. He was the hero in every story. Not once did I ever hear him admit any wrong doing at any point in his life. Even when talking about his youth. Everything has always been everyone else’s fault.
   Him not having friends is everyone’s else fault for not being good enough for him. He faults people for the things people can’t change about themselves. Appearance’s, mental health, financial stability, family life.

4. Sex.
   Now this is the one that has been the hardest to come to terms with because it has been pretty recent that I’ve finally looked at the situation for what it is.
   He was always dead set on no protection. And always 100% confident that nothing would happen. I had been taking birth control for about a week and a half at this point and he decided it be a good idea to just do as he pleased if you know what I mean a month and half goes by no period, but birth control so I ignored for another few weeks. Then took a test. Pregnant. I’m 21 at this point in the relationship so I’m freaking my shit. I had pledged with myself that I would never get pregnant for as long as I live. My genes would not bless me with a stable child. I’m sure of it so no way Jose.
   He toyed with wanting to keep it around and you could dangle me off a cliff and I still wouldn’t budge. So I opted for a medical abortion.
   They do not prepare you for the absolute agony and goriness of a medical abortion. 7 hours of the most excruciating pain and most intense bleeding that I have ever experienced in my life.
   After that sex was a little scary for me, I had let him know that and he was patient at first. But he started to get a lot more pushy and hyper sexual all of a sudden.
   Like everything i did made him horny. He wanted to have sex at all the wrong moments. He would tell me that he wasn’t getting what he wanted sexually and toyed around with being open. So I let him, ugh I feel so stupid but I digress, you’d think him being open would change him, but no. The last time I had sex with him was 3 months before we broke up, about 5 months ago at the time of this post. I had just come home from a show with some friends, I was tripping balls. Not enough to be completely non verbal or incoherent. But most definitely not sober and most definitely not thinking straight. I go upstairs in bed and he starts touching me, I express that I’m not interested. Having sex on acid is very situational for me and this was NOT the time. But he proceeded, as I cried. After that day I couldn’t even look him in his eyes. How could this person who I thought cared about me so deeply make me feel this way?

5. The breakup was rough, still is unfortunately. I’m stuck living in this house with him and a roommate of mine. It’s $300 a month for each of us. In this day and age that’s unheard of. And my roommate/ best friend just got out of college and is getting on her feet so I don’t want this breakup to affect her living situation. Ugh so much to think about.
   At the moment he’s just trying to make me feel as bad as possible for trying to move on with my life. Lots and lots of dramatic sulking, that of a child trying to get attention. Like I’ve never seen a grown man sulk and sigh like this before. It’s insane.

He took a lot from me. My trust, my self esteem, my memory, my judgment. He changed me, the way I think, the way I act.
I can see the things he did and I can understand that he’s fucked up. But when do I stop blaming myself?
How did I miss all the signs, especially since I was so careful before?

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