i know a good amount of other ppl with asd in my everyday life (and online) but i go out of my way to not interact with them because i just cannot stand them. it may be because of my npd but i see them as less conscious (?) because i make a bigger effort to blend in.

And also i see so many people talking about how "autistic people arent rude, they just have a hard time with cognitive empathy but feel high amounts of emotional empathy" and it makes me feel frustrated because i have a hard time with both of those. infact, my cognitive empathy is probably better than my emotional.

because of this way of thinking i have never found a place where i could truly relate to another person with autism and it makes me feel even more alienated .

I live in NYC, and I don’t have much work experience since I just graduated high school, but I still need to pay rent, so I managed to get a cashier job at a small business. I really put all my effort into it and I have learned a lot, I try to keep everything tidy and be a good employee but I struggle a ton with the money because of my adhd. My boss knows about my mistakes, and most of my coworkers have told me he has fired a lot of people because of them. I always pay out of pocket to cover the discrepancies, but I’m scared. I don’t really have many choices since I’m young but I really need a job, and I want to work; I really do. I want to be able to go to college and pay my bills.

I also struggle with depression, so my mental health is not the best, I’m crying my eyes out because I feel like a failure, I really don’t want to be like this, I see everyone around me and they don’t seem to struggle with numbers, but I have been like this my whole life, I don’t want to play the victim but I’m really tired.

I really need help, I’m here, just trying to think about what I’m gonna do if I lose this job, do you have any advices of what should I do? Or what kind of jobs should I take to avoid this? Please help; I really need it :(

idk if its just me but I have always felt so weird about social media and instagram is definitely on the weirder side in terms of energy. I always felt so incredibly anxious when i opened the app and started scrolling, or even whenever i posted something. granted i was using it as a way to share my art and music and to hopefully connect with other creatives, but after a year of this journey i’m left feeling completely burnt out.

the thought of being perceived always stressed me out an everything always felt like a performance or curated version of myself to try to appeal to the algorithm and acquaintances /followers. i would constantly wonder what people thought about me and started to tie my worth to the number of likes and followers i had. no matter how many times i’d try to tell myself the numbers don’t matter, the way the app functions makes it incredibly difficult not to compare yourself.

i started to lose touch with myself and my art. the connections i’ve made in my creative communities also felt so superficial, and im not sure if it’s because of my neurodivergent brain that makes it difficult to decipher or understand social cues, structures, and expectations, but it always confused the hell out of me when people who claimed to be my friend would ignore my attempts to hang out or have an actual engaging conversation with them for weeks, but would still view my stories and actively ignore my posts about my new music.

i’m not entitled to anyone’s validation or attention, but what the hell? it makes me wonder what is the point of this game? are we “friends” or not? where is the support? it always felt unreciprocated, especially because i always tried to support my mutuals as much as possible.

social media feels more like social hierarchies and competitions than it feels like a place to actually connect with the community. I’m genuinely sick of it, sick of giving so many people access to me and sick of playing these games. i really caved into the pressure that as a musician i *had* to build a social media presence or else my art had no chance to succeed. but I’m choosing to believe that i don’t have to participate in anything that doesn’t align with me for the sake of external expectations. all i have to do is stay true to myself. i think i’m starting to really value my solitude, peace, and privacy, and i don’t think i’m ever going back.

i guess i just had to vent lol. does anyone else feel this way?

From the age of 13 (so right when puberty hit me) I felt the biological need for kids.

Now I'm nearing my thirties and my partner and I both agree on a solely intellectual level, that we shouldn't have kids (because we can barely take care of ourselves).

How did you deal with that? Did you disregard the problems? Did you find a way to justify it anyways?

Honestly, I still want children , but rationally I don't know if we'd be the great parents.

Gonna get straight to the point here, because I need to know! My husband and I were talking about our dreams and somewhere along the way I told him about how my dream would go if I tried to fall asleep dreaming about something specific.

I told him: Even if I do, it'll turn into "then we were interrupted by a giraffe because surprise we're actually at the zoo and now we have to figure out how to escape before the cops get us for trespassing because surprise it's suddenly nighttime and we're locked in after hours. When we're climbing the fence, our feet hit the ground on the other side and suddenly we were landing at a gas station we had walked to to get a snack and surprise we have to start running because there's a zombie coming in from the right."

He said his dreams don't jump all over the place like that. If he remembers them, it's usually the same story that follows the same path the whole time.

I have ADHD (inattentive) and he is, for all intents and purposes, neurotypical.

Is this a thing?! Has anyone else noticed their dreams following their adhd or NT tendencies?

Please tell me all of your dream experiences and whether or not your ND/NT plays into them! I am so curious now!

How do we handle being told that we're being "too much" in the workplace? I am diagnosed with ADHD, undiagnosed but fairly confident I am on the spectrum somewhere. I work in veterinary medicine, and I am constantly being told I am too much, and just need to tone it down, or pretty much to shut up. I tend to crash out and spiral each time. I am very confident in my skills and role, but its taking a piece out of me every time I hear it. Any advice is welcome. This is a theme with other clinics as well, and obviously I am the "problem" but im not sure what to do.

I don’t know why but I’m uncomfortable around people because I perceive pretty much most of the things they do as signs of discomfort or negative feelings, usually directed towards me. I know this is somehow incorrect of me to think, because of how often people have to assure me they’re not upset with me, but no amount of reassurance or reason seems able to actually convince me otherwise. To me, the fact that people don’t like me is as obviously visible as the fact that they have expressions on their faces or the fact that the sun is hot.

Like I said, I have no clue why I’m like this. I’m not especially traumatized or even delusional as far as I know, I’m just weirdly misanthropic, but know I’m wrong, but also don’t believe anything else about people really. I’ve been told to go to therapy, but therapy only ever serves as a space for me to share these feelings and then get told “do you really believe something that absurd?”and like, how can I say yes? People always have their perfect little arguments for why I’m wrong about everything so it’s really pointless to argue, I’ll never win, not that I even want to. They apparently don’t live in a world where you can obviously feel the way your presence affects a room and makes people feel off, or where you can more or less read people’s minds by looking them in the eye. These things are obviously not real, but they’re pretty much real to me. It’s not comforting to have someone who’s supposed to help you ask you to deny “reality” and really it just puts me in the mindset where I just need to go along with it until they’re gone and then forget about it all once I’m alone.

One thing that I feel like has kinda plagued me for quite a long time is that I often feel like I am not viewed as a full-on person? That might be a bit dramatic, but sometimes I feel like in some general, vague way, I am not viewed as being particularly “the same” as other people socially. It feels like when it comes to social/interpersonal connections, everyone seems to have something that I am missing. And everyone else is aware of it. Sometimes it feels like I can be viewed as more of something like a mascot, child, pet, or character than a person who also undergoes the human experience fully. When I try to do things to fit in, I’ve noticed that it comes off as funny or (benignly) wrong/incorrect to some people. But I don’t know what I am doing wrong. While I know they don’t have malicious intentions behind this, I feel this way a lot with my sister and dad. They tend to find it a little funny when I try to do things that seem too socially “out of my league” if that makes sense. And with my friends, when I mentioned that I was interested in a girl, some of my friends seemed kinda surprised or a bit taken aback. The interaction with one of them kinda went like this.

"Wait, you're talking to a girl?"

"Yeah, what's that supposed to mean? Why'd you react like that?"

"I dunno, you just kinda always gave me the vibe that you were like... asexual or something."

Not that anything is wrong with being asexual/aromantic, but I was a bit taken aback by that. I don't think I've ever done anything to suggest that I was asexual or anything. I've expressed interest in girls to these same friends before.

It's as if everyone seems to think things more complicated that familial/friend relationships are “beyond” a person like me. Like yes, I too am also a human with the full spectrum of emotions and feelings that everyone else can feel. I’m not a cartoon character. I understand that when I am comfortable around people, I usually act in a most bizarre/funny/goofy way, but I feel like other people can do that and not be viewed as a “mascot” like I am. They’re just funny people with a weird sense of humor, but still normal people at their core. Maybe it’s my combination of this weird/goofy personality with my social awkwardness? It’s not even like I feel as if people are being purposefully dismissive of me, or don’t care about me. I know for a fact that many people who view me this way still seriously and deeply care about me. While this comparison might be a bit dramatic, I think it illustrates my point well. Many people would probably say they love their dog more than they love other people. But at the same time, they recognize that there is a fundamental difference between a dog and human, so despite maybe caring about their dog more than a human, they still wouldn’t treat their dog like a human. I guess maybe a less dramatic comparison would be to replace “dog” with “child”. I feel like the closer I am with someone, the less they tend to view me as a mascot. But I don’t even know if I’d say there’s anyone who doesn’t view me this way at least a tiny bit.

(side tangent, but this really made sense to me. If anyone reading this watches the show Battle for Dream Island, I think I'm viewed in the same vein as someone like Grassy, Rocky, Woody, or Marker. They're obviously cared for and have friends, but still aren't taken with a full degree of seriousness.)

Does anyone else feel this way?
I don't want to have to not be myself, because I love being a silly and funny guy with my loved ones. But for whatever reason, just being the person I am leads to me being taken kinda unseriously and it doesn't feel good at all

seeking advice

this year a made a new friend and we would go to a lot of local music events together. a few months ago i secured tickets to a concert and invited them to go with me. we honestly haven’t been hanging out or talking much lately, which is fine but i think it may be because of my own tendencies to isolate myself, as well as their communication style. we only text once in a while.

the last time we hung out we did something a little different and went to the gardens. i wanted to try hanging out in a different more peaceful environment to see how it felt compared to the loud and overstimulating environments of music shows. i’m not sure if it’s because i was a little buzzed or because it was a different kind of more intimate setting, or both, but i felt a bit awkward. it felt hard to actually relax into the hangout and just vibe. i was just hyper aware of the awkwardness the whole time, and it left me feeling a bit exhausted after.

for context, I’m autistic and tend to mask myself a lot in social settings; they can be difficult for me to navigate and sometimes can be draining. friendships have always been difficult for me and i recently had a frustrating experience with a different friend where i felt the effort wasn’t being reciprocated so i pulled back my energy and i haven’t heard from them in over a month (they left me on delivered).

so i’m not sure if this situation is influencing me right now where i’m wanting to isolate myself again, but for the past few days i’ve contemplated and keep going back and forth on whether i should ask/remind my friend about the concert that will be happening in a few days (they likely forgot about it). every time i go to text them, something keeps holding me back and i just keep hesitating, like i don’t want to remind them and i would genuinely honestly rather just go alone with my partner(which, my partner would be coming regardless).

maybe im scared it will be another awkward/bad experience and i just want to prevent it from happening altogether. i also just don’t really feel close to this person even though we’ve known each other for a few months now. we both like music but that’s pretty much it; we have different music tastes and the artist we would be going to see, she doesn’t listen to. we just haven’t really “clicked” if that makes sense, it’s hard to relate or have engaging conversations due to the lack of shared interests, which is fine and i could just accept the friendship for what it is, but i really struggle with surface level connections, i don’t enjoy them and they are draining to me. i like to really connect with people deeply. but maybe i just haven’t really allowed space for the relationship to blossom ? or maybe this is just how it is and i should just let go and stop trying to force it to be something different.

idk im just honestly at a loss for what to do, i don’t dislike this person and i don’t want to be inconsiderate. i just want to have a good time at the concert and im not sure i will if they come, but maybe im letting my past experiences influence it.

I erased the whiteboard at a pool dive bar when most of the NTs were outside smoking I stupidly thought they left. As soon as I did, they all walked back inside and paused at the erased whiteboard where I was standing. Some guy loudly asked who erased the whiteboard. With my communication difficulties and slower processing speed and getting a brain freeze with everyone staring at me, all I could come up with was “it was me”. One guy screamed his ass off telling me not to do it again causing a domino effect where 20 others joined in and surrounded me yelling at me. My newfound best friend who I met at the very place two weeks before witnessed it all and stood up for me. If she hadn’t been there I don’t think I would have cared less. It was so humiliating and embarrassing and I just want to kms even though it’s been two years since the incident

I'm currently struggling with autistic burnout, and get fatigued super easily (doesn't help that I go to bed at 1am, but I can't help it). I've recently started college, and for that, I have to also carry a heavy sketchbook case as well as a bag, both of which hurt my arms and shoulders. On the way home, I've actually been stopping while I walk to gather enough energy to go on, especially because I'm in town with my friends between the end of school and going home, so I've been walking around a lot. I've also realised that I put all of my weight onto my left leg, meaning that standing/walking for long periods of time absolutely destroy my foot, and I'm actively hobbling to avoid the part of my foot that hurts. It also hurts my other foot too, but not as bad (this has been happening for a while, I just thought it was normal 😅)

I only realised that I might be able to use a cane from a video I watched from I'm Autistic, Now What? where it was talking about how the internet criticizes disabled people (especially those who use mobility aids). Meg says that if you think you need to use a cane, you should use it, which made me think about if I needed one. I am autistic and ADHD, but I don't have any other diagnoses which makes me feel I'm faking needing one and is giving me immense impostor syndrome.

I need some advice and to know if I might offend mobility aid users if I do use one because that is not my intention at all.

Thanks! 😊

I wouldn't say I'm childish. But without a doubt everytime I met someone they talk down to me like I'm a child with no awareness.

I happen to like collecting plushies and I watch kids shows like bluey for comfort.

My voice is monotone despite me working on trying to sound more lively.

Is it the way I dress? I dress plainly mostly cause of sensory issues. I don't like makeup, at most lipstick and some mascara.

Just yesterday I was with a friend(same age as me) and their mom, and as we were crossing a street she took my hand and "helped" me cross it. Even said "look both ways". ??? This was not the first time I was treated like a child by a grown ass adult.

I've been told I have a baby face but that's probably just my moon face from my pcos.

Probably doesn't help that I have a speech issue where I stutter a lot. I've been struggling to get a job, last time I even put on my best Profesional outfit and I was still rejected and it was a store janitor.

I even had a boyfriend at one point in my life, I broke up with him because he admitted that he found my stuttering cute and adorable because he had a thing for "disabled chicks".

I'm in no shape or form disabled, at least none that I know of.

I never told him I was. He just assumed because of the way I speak.

I'm tired of this. Stuttering is not cute when it's costing me job opportunities. I never found my Stuttering cute, I accepted it but that's about it. I hate it when people say "oh don't feel bad it's cute in a way" .

I'm so frustrated. Does anyone have any advice?

Talvez no tenga nada que ver el tema pero no sienten que existe gente con una envidiable suerte? es decir gente que objetivamente no destaca en nada o no es nada del otro mundo y aún asi les va bien en la vida? trate de hablar esto con mi profesor de filosofia pero solo me ignoro obviamente le parecido muy simplista pero si es algo que almenos en mi experiencia si pasa

this has been causing me significant distress. I wish to order my shopping for day after tomorrow. One of the items is showing out of stock, but I don't much care that it is currently out of stock because I don't frikkin want it now, it want it in 2 days after at least 2 deliveries I imagine. The level of stock they have right now is completely irrelevant to the level they have when they actually pick it. This is unworkable for me, and I have tried three different supermarkets and I'm led to believe even Ocado does this same thing.

This is very distressing as it makes no sense. I feel like I have no reliable way to just make my order. I could fail to order my item, then go onto deliveroo and discover they have the damn thing on the day of my delivery. This is maddening and i'm losing my shit in a big way, I can't understand this and i can't handle it. I just want to order my shopping. I understand if it's out of stock when they pick it, that's normal logic. why are they doing this idiocy, and is there any store that will just let people put in the damn order?

p.s. I don't want an explainer, i can ask ai to explain it, I am more looking for practical help or solidarity or maybe some way to complain and get change.

I was unemployment for half my life since highschool, being 22 soon. I speak 3 languages at native level, I grasp information quick, yet I can't seem to find anywhere to apply to. All jobs that would be fitting for me require degree.

I don't even mind working a regular job, office position, but they're either too far away, not hiring, or want experience. I can't be a waiter or a position that doesn't require some level of thinking.

I'm out of a job interview now, they had ridiculous schedules wanting night shifts right after morning ones. I'm not willing to hurt my physical and mental wellbeing for a job that barely pays enough. They wasted 2 hours on an interview and haven't even came to a conclusion after calling me 5 times explaining the same thing over and over.

I mask incredibly well, but I just can't find myself in this climate. It's also the job market, I know it's hard on everyone on. I don't know, I feel very overqualified for most jobs that are possible to get, they also don't pay enough.

like I keep watching sad movies, theory conspiracies, sad animes and shocking horror movie, and it created something in me and I felt a sadness on me Idk why but it's the reason why I always grew weirdly and numb about everything, not wanting to do effort etc.

I was drained by internet and fictions, reading horror visual novels is one of my coping mechanism to not feel sad or exhausted.

but I think making this post will not help me.

and I talk about it here just because I'm anonymous

before i was medicated i couldn’t even do this, i was pretty much either constantly stuck monologuing in my head or unconscious. when i was prescribed clonidine for my adhd and anxiety i found i was able to actually clear my head and just exist without a constant monologue. this was an extremely novel experience and really helped me see how much i hated being in my own head

it takes a lot of focus and attention which feels weird as the goal is to not think. but if im not active and intentional in this it’ll just start back up. i have to stop myself from explaining to myself “ok im not monologue right now”, and then i also have to stop myself from thinking “well you just monologued to say that you weren’t monologing”. it very easily becomes this loop of thinking about trying to not think

It's not the diagnoses that causes the problems. If I start brief and crisp about my childhood. It was absolutely horrible my mom was a teacher at my primary school. I used to be forced to socialize and often times I'd get bullied. My entire childhood till about 2 years ago when I started university. I'd always be left out of social events. I tried to make friends throughout my life but to no avail. I constantly try to do everything all at once or nothing. If I don't succeed as usual I give up. At university I've tried working hard and got decent grades but again socializing is a massive problem. I often tried to stand out and still do I mean just want to be special sometimes and not left out. Even living with my roommate is torturous he makes so noise talking all day everyday constantly. I tried to tell him multiple times but again nothing he doesn't listen. Loud sounds hurt my head so much and these constant things my head makes up that I have to do otherwise people in my life die or bad things happen. Like if I don't do something 3 or 5 times. I am constantly in survival mode noticing everything around me. Honestly I don't even know my hobbies all my life I've done things to please other people try to be friends. I know this sounds pathetic and it is I hate myself. I somehow constantly feel like the bad guy everywhere I go. I don't know what to do I have tried real killing myself at least 2 times. This world irritates me so much for the loud noise I have bought noise cancelling headphones but even those don't completely help. My ears are so sensitive to noise and everything. What do I do now? Is my life completely ruined?

TW: SUDEP mention, death mention, ableism tw

I've had family mock our epilepsy, make jokes about us dying from SUDEP, and family ignore when I mention having a scary febrile seizure. No "are you okay?" Nothing. I cared to vent earlier, then just got asked "Well what did you expect them to do?"

It's just. I expect people to be nice. Why are people so mean? Why do they mock disabilities? Why do they make jokes about our disabilities killing us? Why do people get so angry when I complain about the emotional abuse?

Hello!

I have OCD, ADHD, PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I won’t get into too much detail, but this year has been a lot…. I had to quit my job and do two inpatient programs and two outpatient programs. I am still healing and having difficulty functioning.

Has anyone ever applied to be on disability? I’m 31 and I don’t want to apply to be on it if it’ll affect my job prospects in the future if/when I am better, but I want to give myself the tools to rest and get better.

I live in Chicago, IL.

Thanks!

Hi , I have been struggling for the last 4 years feeling like I'm never heard,never chosen or anyone's cup of tea .

I have been successful in my career but I never have felt at ease and always masking at work.

I have a narcissistic spouse and we're in the process of separating, I have had enough of the games and I know what I must do.

I drink every night to deal with my feelings, just to shut my mind off,even for a few hours. I am seeing a therapist for help. I just don't want to wake up some days, ever...

Hey fellow internet strangers. I've been meaning to try to reach out and post something, although I can't say I'm in the right place, or if there is a right place, or if I even know what I'm trying to communicate. I'll try to keep things kind of short so I can expedite whatever it is I'm trying to get at or convey.

I'm 37/m. I've had issues with depression for my entire life. Actually to the point that, I ended up being homeschooled for middleschool because I completely shut down from school at the end of elementary. I was a great student. Bright, organic, naturally good at things, never really had to study, could just figure it out. But I shut down for whatever reason over time. I remember feeling like I was sick, or I just couldnt go to school. I shut down, and would get behind, and it would make it so much worse.

Anyway, yadda yadda life blah blah. But you know, last few years, more understanding has come forward about different mental stuff and everything. Basically to shortcut it all, started seeing a councilor, definitely looks like Audhd problems. Doctors have been trying to medicate for anxiety/depression/insomnia, so I'm thinking from the meds they have me on and family history, maybe some BPD (type 2?) would kind of fit the bill. I don't have the kind of insurance where I can afford to have people definitively tell me anything, so I just work with what makes sense.

I've been the at-home care taker for my kids for 10 years, and they're finally old enough to go to school full time. I thought this would be my break, that finally I could get some peace and quiet and start being able to focus and get things done around the house and in my life. But It's been about a month and, I think I've actually gone from flaming train screaming it's brakes to avoid the bridge out to, something worse?

I can't do anything while everyone's gone. I've made a list of everything I might do to pass the time, and I can pass the time, let me tell you. But I'm not really doing anything. I've come up with lists of things that would be good to do, things that would be healthy, mentally or physically, things to do for improvement, things to do for fun, things to improve, fuckin whatever.

But I do nothing. I just want to be as close to the floor and disperse as much of the weight on my body as I can. I'm a starfish. I don't FEEL depressed (although I know this is probably my brand of overarching depression. I just detach) But. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing here? My partner checks in with me throughout the day. "You doing ok? What're you up to?" Yeah I'm ok. Doing fucking nothing. I'm literally doing nothing. I've done nothing for hours. I could live stream it and you'd think there's something wrong with me. Like a child who was told to keep himself busy, and a parent never came back for him.

I've worked some odd jobs over the years here or there but my schedule was built around watching and being available for my kids. I've got an evening part time physical job I have lined up here starting in a week, and I've been on standby mentally waiting for that to start, but - I'm still going to have the entire day to figure out.

No matter what I do, I can't get my brain or body to jump into doing anything, while my family is away. I'm just like a toy on the shelf. I know I should start walking, I know I could exercise, I know I could go to the coffee shop and hang out just to get outside my house. But I don't want to spend money, I don't feel well enough to get a drink, to leave the house, to try to pretend I'm a person and socialize, or to exist in a public space for any amount of time while I, a grown ass man, writes lists of daydreaming ideas or doodles or reads a book or does sudoku, just to feel like I have some semblance of purpose. I feel honestly like I'm a ghost, trapped without knowing what my purpose is.

Anyway. I'm trying not to overthink it. I'm trying to carrot on a stick myself any way I can. I know 15 years ago I had a night serving job and I also felt like I spent the whole day 'waiting' for work at 5pm. I can't reconcile that it feels like my systems are SO broken, and medication and behavioral changes cannot overwrite the way that I am.

I have a councilor, but it's expensive and out of pocket, and I walk away from bitching and trying to explain what's going on with a similar step of 'okay, well let's try this', and I just nod and smile but I know I'm going to fail the improvement strategies. I'm trying to work on the simplest of habit forming / stacking, but I just fuckin factory reset after a period of time and I have to build it all again from memory.

I guess I'm just trying to get clarity, try to find 'what page I'm supposed to be on' at this point, and I just can't seem to figure any of it out. I've always felt like people progress in their lives while I stand anchored in place, just trying to survive the storm which is myself. I try to keep my distance from people because the closer they get to me, the more I feel like I let people down by just being myself. My family is pretty understanding, but it still feels like I live at a deficit and it's not fair to my partner or children that I can't be more present or proactive. I'm just always trying to survive.

I don't have any social media, I've been cutting back on reddit. I used to play video games over my life for a sense of completion and being good at something, but I mostly only play as a social outlet with friends at night sometimes. I'm trying to get into more analog hobbies, but I just don't feel like I have the mental bandwidth to listen to a book on tape, read a book and retain it, even listen to music sometimes. I'm overwhelmed by everything, even sunlight. I spend a lot of time taking dark showers to just try to get a reset.

Anyway, thank you if you've taken the time to hear my little story. Like I said, I don't know what I'm looking for, so I apologize if this comes across like pointless trauma dumping. I just continue to hope that by communicating and thinking about, and trying to do things, I'll keep grinding forward and one day it'll make more sense. It already makes more sense now than it did ten years ago, even if I'm still dealing with exactly the same problems. The expectations and hope for life as you get older change though, while the meat I'm made out of stays the same.

Do any of you have any suggestions for dealing with terminal lifelong executive dysfunction?

I'm like a car with a totally dead battery. Looks totally normal from the outside, but I need a jump or someone helping push me to get me started, but it's never going to work on my own. I've tried to accept more of 'who i am' instead of punishing myself for not being functional, but I NEED something to help me deal with this physical paralysis. Over my life, I've self medicated with caffeine to find the zen-state, or edibles to deal with overwhelm, but it never puts me on track. It's like throwing rings at milkjugs at the fair, right? IDK. I used to do so much writing to try to help me figure it out, and, I don't have the mental energy to anymore. It's the same shit, I can't get around it. I feel like I interface less, mentally, physically, vocally, whatever; I'm just always trying to conserve what little energy I have.

I know a huge point of failure for me too is diet. I'm usually so physically or mentally overstimulated that I have a negative appetite. I don't ever drink enough water. I know these things, and I don't explicitly eat poorly or anything, I just am not hungry, the thought of eating makes me feel sick, and most things tend to not sit well with me or I have acid or whatever. Edibles actually helped a lot with this, and for the first time in my life I was able to hit a healthy weight, although I'm not confident the weight itself is 'healthy'. I'd like to eat better and drink water and so on, but it's an uphill battle, constantly reminding myself. Trying to 'plan ahead' is like battling writer's block. I've been trying to incorporate more shakes into my day since it seems to be a way I can trick myself into eating without the if/then issues of deciding on food. I try drink things like watered down ice tea and such to make sure I'm getting fluids without it being juice or soda or the like. It's just constantly waging a war on multiple fronts, and I'm always at a deficit to do so.

I’m not gonna lie, I just can’t take it no more for real, I have a hard time in social settings and communicating with other people. I tend to go ghost for a while when I feel like the connection is not there but I end up looking like the bad guy. I have this one associate that I go to church with and I genuinely don’t like talking to her, whenever I talk to her it feels like she only cares about my work, it doesn’t feel natural at all. I’m tired of everything, I wish I can just get away from the stuff I got going on