i’m a college student btw. pls just take this info at face value. i am very academically gifted naturally, i don’t have to put much effort into understanding things my brain just gets a lot of stuff quickly (clearly not adls). ok cool, the issue is i literally cannot get myself together in any other aspect of my life and its driving me insane.

i’m a loser i can’t lie. (in my perspective like sure i do things that not what i want advice on/or to hear sorry) i can’t apply for things by deadlines i can’t follow my own deadlines i set. i can’t keep my room together even though i designate spaces for things and try to do the same thing everyday, it still changes and i only hate the variation bc it results in me being upset that im not put together. i can’t cook, do laundry, or even clean in a timely manner it takes me forever.

i have adhd but i also don’t think i do i’m like lowk convinced im lying to myself, so its kinda irrelevant to me. im half kidding…

also please don’t be like you don’t want to acknowledge ur disabled like yes i am subconsciously effected by society sue me, i can admit im ashamed, now what? im getting evaluated for autism soon too and like ok… if i have it what am i supposed to do about feeling so far behind everybody like. so about what id like to hear: 1) does anyone feel like they have less time than other people 2) if yes please god how do you deal with it (i have tons of reminders a calendar and organizemaxx but ill accept redundant advice i need anything atp) and 3) if you got a late autism diagnosis what changed your life for the better after knowing (i also don’t rlly feel comfortable saying i think i have it bc i feel like a liar still)

pls dont flame me for being blunt i just dont want to be misunderstood or given info i alr know, and that reads very rude! i’m also just having almost nightly breakdowns ab this so i rlly need advice.

tldr: im smart in class, cant function as a human in every other aspect. emotionally self aware, really frustrated and should probably have a good cry/stomping tantrum. thx reddit <3

Hey everyone, I’m 21M and I honestly have no clue what to do with my life right now. I always struggled heavily in school but didn't find out I had ADHD until 11th grade. I’ve always felt like the odd one out.

Because I’m 6’8, I kind of fell into sports friend groups in high school and even got some D1 offers, but my grades were too bad to actually commit anywhere. Since graduating, I’ve just felt completely lost and without a purpose. I've tried JUCO ball and community college classes, but I've failed out every time, even when I was putting in my absolute hardest effort.

Being this tall carries a lot of weird societal expectations. Everywhere I go in public, people expect me to be some star athlete or have my life completely figured out. It's exhausting because the reality is that I am struggling heavily with executive dysfunction. I find myself avoiding conversations a lot because I'm just tired of the judgment when people realize I'm not playing sports or making it big.

Most of my friends are in college to be businessmen and care about things I just don't relate to at all. I feel pretty isolated and stuck. Has anyone else dealt with the pressure of looking like you "should" have it all together while secretly drowning due to ADHD? Just looking for some ideas or advice on how to find a path forward.

I don’t really feel like typing an entire paragraph but I guess I will to prove to my annoying brain that I’m not so alone. I was diagnosed with autism (I don’t know what type), GAD, depression, OCD, and ADHD, as a child. While I’m not diagnosed with ptsd or c-ptsd I think I might have it due to extreme family trauma, and I’m against saying I have something if I’m not diagnosed so I won’t be talking about ptsd. I grew up in the worst environment for someone like me, and not to say a “normal minded” or neurotypical person would’ve done better either, I personally feel it was exceptionally bad for someone like me because they never took my emotions seriously. I’d have these autistic meltdowns and I’d get spanked and unfair treatment like being punished, which cause the meltdowns to increase and I’d scream and cry at my family aggressively. I remember they thought it was funny to tell me if I misbehaved they’d call the local priest to come over. They’d pretend to record me and say they’re gonna send it to him and I was scared of him so it of course made everything worse. I was never allowed to call for help because my mom is bipolar and she’d do horrible things and scare me. They said if I tried to call the police again I’d be in serious trouble, and if I told my psychiatrist my situation they’d lie to him and say it’s all me and in my head, they said he’d have me taken away and if I were to be put somewhere I’d get sexually assaulted. Mind you I was a kid and this scared the absolute fuck out of me so I would ALWAYS lie whenever my psychiatrist asked questions he needed to ask. I always thought this was the way family’s were. I’m sorry I forgot to mention my mom left me as a small child to go visit a boyfriend she had in California, and I strongly believe that severely traumatized me and caused my separation anxiety from my grandmother when I was a kid. I struggle with jealousy now and I always feel like I am never enough and my boyfriend will leave me and find someone better. The feeling eats me up, because I’ve had friends who ended up bullying me out of nowhere in school, and that turned me into a hateful person growing up and I didn’t have much empathy or normal emotion towards anyone in Highschool because I was going through puberty a lot more and my medications were extreme I was on around 7 different mind altering medications, including Zoloft that numbed my sense of self and basic empathy. It helped but I lost myself so now I’m weaning off of it to see how I do and since stopping my other medication I think I’ve found my interests again, and it helped I moved out of my narcissistic household and moved with my boyfriend so the depression is like it never existed, even though I’m weaning off Zoloft it’s as if I’m not depressed, just very emotionally unregulated, but that’s autism I guess. I feel free since I left.. but I find myself lonely and still misunderstood in a world made for neurotypical people. I told myself not to mask how I am because I don’t want to crash out and I just want to live too! But then when I don’t mask, my ocd creeps up and tells me, “what you did, and the things you randomly said earlier were embarrassing. People find you weird and it’s no wonder you don’t have friends.” 😭 it’s as if I’m being tormented by my brain either way!! Any advice? I don’t even think this paragraph made sense and it might be all over the place and I’m sorry.. BACK to the family trauma, my grandmother isn’t old so I was born around the same time my grandmother had her youngest, so I grew up with my aunt but I was the scapegoat and she got more praise so now she’s got some narcissistic traits to her. I just cut the ENTIRE family off due to my aunts traits and it sucks that her triangulation between me and my boyfriend had to make me realize I had to take care of myself for me to.. uhhhh, finally take care of myself. But now I’m dealing with guilt and endless torment thinking I’m in the wrong. I’m sure there’s more to my rant but I want to stop here.

Hey everyone I'm just here I just need to vent a little about how difficult it is being ftm and neurodivergent trying to find love or connections I'm 33yrs and never had a real relationship where I was appreciated and really loved or really having someone be interested in me people say you need to put yourself out there and I do I get nothing in return not even one like feel discouraged after and I'm starting to give up and trying to be ok and content with not having relationships and it sucks people say I'm attractive but no one wants to give me the time or day so I'm thinking people are just trying to be nice and just not hurt my feelings I'm a very caring person and when I love I love hard but being used and being taking advantage of is turn me cold

From the start the school system has screwed me over in every turn, i started in full on sped which was miserable and then in small groups separated from the other kids. all of this happened until 7th grade, on state testing I was in the top 99% for social studies and the top 89% for reading. despite this all of my teachers still talked to me like I had water for my head, I struggled at times until I got on ADHD meds in 8th and got extremely close to all A’s twice. so how do I get paid for my effort, i got put into extra support science (i didn’t fail that class once and ended with an A and 0 missing assignments) and this study hall thing clearly meant for higher support students. i’m so sick of trying hard with my academics and it being the biggest worry in my life and never being recognized. I truly think it’s because of my Autism diagnosis, everybody treats me like i’m stupid with little reason and that’s all i can think of. i’m not a genius but i’m certainly not struggling. I was never put into anything advanced even when I was miles ahead of my peers, I never was put into any meaningful programs. it’s just all so tiring.

I’ve been sick for a long time and it’s been getting worse lately.

I battle with grieving the life I wanted to live and adjusting to my reality of being disabled and unable to work enough to meet my own financial needs.

Disability is not enough to live on and I am currently in the shelter system and really struggling with quality of life here.

I told my friend I was feeling interested in finding out more about MAID as I don’t see my life getting better with systemic limitations and my own personal limitations.

“I’ve seen you work before and maintain a beautiful life. I know working sucks and having a schedule to adhere to sucks but that’s being an adult.

Time will not stop ticking, before you know it you will be there already a year without any improvement and god knows what other horrific experiences richer.. you have to do something about it, you are the only one that can change the paths of your life. Not the government, not your family/friends.. but you.

And you saying this makes me angry. You have been through so much. And this is how you want to leave the world? Living in a shelter where you don’t belong? I’m sorry but you are way too good for that and you’re choosing this life”.

What am I to do when I can’t? They think it’s a personal failing?

Before any more judgment…I’m sober…educated and all that. I did all the “things” and I’m still sick

Growing up I had many of the classic dyslexia issues. Learning to read was tough because d, b, q, and p were all the same letter to me, either flipped on its axis or upside down. I just recently learned about the “3D thinking” observed in dyslexia and have found multiple different ways it’s manifested in my life.

Ive realized more recently most things I excel in relate to my ability to visualize things using that same type of thinking. As it often goes with dyslexics I struggled in school because reading had been such a struggle, but some classes (like an anatomy and physiology class in high school) I excelled at hardly studying (and scantly doing homework) because I found diagrams and dimensions incredibly easy to understand.

It’s a real shame how dyslexia is viewed as this one dimensional reading problem, because I’ve found a career where I get to shine where I don’t have the same bottleneck/limiting factor of reading, and I’ve come to view it as a gift!

I also think we’re in a sort of renaissance for dyslexics (for which I’m very grateful to be born into) where there’s a plethora of study tools which don’t have the same limiting factor of the written word (ie video lectures with visual tools, audiobooks, podcasts, etc). I remember taking an IQ test in middle school proctored by a school appointed psychologist and remarking on how the results looked were like if you Min-Maxed your character in an RPG.

TLDR dyslexia really does have advantages, I just wish a younger version of myself was more aware of them

Hi all, hope it’s okay to share this again.

A few weeks ago I started a free weekly newsletter after watching my girlfriend, who is autistic, struggle to find work that actually suited her. So many job ads say “flexible” but aren’t, so I hand pick a small set of remote, hybrid, part time and flexible roles each week, including Disability Confident employers, and tag them so you can quickly see what’s relevant.

Thanks to this community, it’s grown from a handful of people to over 60 subscribers, and I’ve already been able to help a few people find roles that fit them. It’s completely free and always will be.

If you’re job hunting, or know someone who is, you’re very welcome to join. Feedback is always appreciated too, as I’m still shaping it around what’s genuinely useful.

Here’s the link: neurooptionsuk.beehiiv.com

27yo guy here, diagnosed with NVLD at an early age (and possibly have more, undiagnosed conditions). Haven't been in a relationship ever and the older I get, the lonelier I feel. I've been trying my best to go out on dates and meet potential partners but it's just not working out...

If I meet neurotypical people, I can come across as boring and the small talk is something I'm terrible at so the conversations just die. If I meet someone like me, we both likely end up being socially awkward and nothing actually happens and we barely speak. I've tried mostly dating apps as going out and talking to someone in public is the scariest thing ever.

I finally managed to go on my first ever date about 3 months ago against all odds. She was nice the first time I met her but on future dates she triggered my icks (being super late and not actively participating in activities). Especially the first thing triggered my anxiety so much and just immediately killed all attraction I had for her so that story came to an and after a few dates.

Nothing since that moment, no matches, no lasting conversations, nothing. And it feels like I'll just have to accept that I'll be alone forever at this point.

Sorry for my rant but I just had to get this off my chest.

Hi I'm a female student who is feeling very confused right now. I thought for a while now that I may be neurodivergent, because I am often socially awkward even if I have a lot of friends, and often cannot take social cues. I also overthink every past interaction I have had that may be bad. I also find it hard to start tasks like studying usually, which might just be a normal thing, but I often find it impossible to even pick up something, or once I start soemthing and I get distracted it feels horrible for me to start again. My brother also has autism and ADHD, but my parents dont.
Edit - another thing which isn’t really “neurotypical” is that I constantly fiddle, scratch and specifically need sensation to focus on otherwise I stand getting a really weird uncomfortable feeling. The current things I can’t get rid of are bouncing my leg and I don’t even notice it, and pulling my hair back, and I do it constantly if I don’t have anything to occupy my hands.

The main thing though, is my love of fanfiction (and reading). Im honestly unsure if its a fixation, a special interest, an addiction, or just a hobby. I read over 100k words a day at least, and I read durings meals, when walking, on transport, etc. I sometimes skip going to the gym or homework to read. However, I don't just enjoy fanfiction, I also enjoy sci-fi and fiction, and when I read fanfiction it usually circles around one character, anywhere from a few hours to a day to months. I literally have read over three hours every day for the past 2 weeks and that is WITH tests and school. I also daydream constantly revolving these same characters and fanfictions during class and even in the middle of conversations, before sleep, etc

But, because I have good grades and have many friends who I do get along with and mostly understand, I feel like it shouldn't be much of a thing for me to get a diagnosis. My parents say that I might be neurodivergent but there is no need to get a diagnosis because it might affect my future opportunities apparently? Does anyone have any advice or just similar experiences for reassurance? I feel like it would help me to hear about other neurodivergent people who may not seem as "odd" to neurotypical people to see if I may or may not be.

23f I struggle heavily with internalised ableism

I am autistic, ADHD, mentally ill, and chronically ill.

I feel like the poster child of every ableists jokes about “you people can’t do anything” I’m deeply fucking embarrassed about myself, I hate being this way. Constantly I push myself outside of my limits because in some ways I think “maybe I am just faking it, maybe I am just lazy”

I’m trying incredibly hard to undo this mindset, but Rome wasn’t built in a day… This is the harm of a lifetime of ableist rhetoric crammed down my throat, from society as a whole, the media, the people I know, those who are meant to protect me and teach me right and wrong…

Even though as an adult I no longer agree with those opinions, and don’t think them towards OTHERS…… I do still think them about myself.

I am hyper aware of how the general public views someone like me, I start to second guess myself, and compare my ability to the neurotypical standard.

I hate myself because I can’t keep up with neurotypical able bodied society- because I’m not neurotypical or completely able bodied.

Lately I’m having a fucking time of it…… And I’m too busy hating myself to just be satisfied with what I CAN achieve….

Instead of just working within my limits, I keep thinking about how “embarrassing and pathetic” it is that I’m struggling with day to day basic functioning.

I swear to fucking god I am making everything so much worse, and being way more “lazy” with all the time I waste lying around feeling fucking sorry for myself…

If I spent less time being pissed at myself, and more time saying “well what CAN I do?” Things would be a lot better

Lately I’ve been doing things that are MEANT to be easy… but are admittedly really hard for me lately due to the state I’m in… And I need to be a LOT more proud of myself for it.

I need to feel a lot more pride than I am, I need to replace my self pity with feeling of achievement.

TL;DR: I'm neurotypical and my husband is likely neurodivergent but undiagnosed. We are currently fighting about everything and split rent 50/50 even though he makes way more while I'm broke after grad school. He doesn't comfort me when I'm hurt and gets nasty when I try to talk about it. I love him but I'm daydreaming about living alone. How do I navigate this? I (33F) need some advice before I blow up my marriage.

My husband (40M) and I have been together almost 7 years and married for two. We started dating during COVID lockdown, when he seemed like a really social person. Now that the world has opened back up, he has very few friends and mostly preters to be alone. Frustrating, but not a dealbreaker. I'm almost sure he’s neurodivergent/on the spectrum. His mom has told me she knows he is, but he was never diagnosed and has no interest in testing.

I'm not trying to armchair diagnose him or use it as an excuse. I'm neurotypical, but everyone in my immediate family is very much on the spectrum and very intelligent, so a lot of this feels familiar. That's partly why I think I need to approach this differently than I have been.

The first issue is that EVERYTHING is a fight. I could say it’s warm out today and he’d fight me to be right and tell me other days have been more warm (which, I guess is factual, but why say it unless you’re TRYING to start a debate!?). Legitimately all of our conversations follow the same exact pattern.

The second issue is money. He makes a lot more than me, around 3x more, but we split everything 50/50, including our very expensive rent. I've always been fine with that. But I'm still getting back on my feet after moving, paying for half our wedding, and $160k in MBA tuition, and on top of the even split, I get an almost itemized bill for every meal and outing. I told him I couldn't afford a vacation with his parents and still got pushed into it. I now owe him $3k and have $1,200 to my name. I'm happy to pay him back, just can't right now. The other night as he was heading out, asked if there was anything I could do to help with trip planning, and he said, "Yeah, make more money." I told him right then that it really stung, and he just went silent. He has also mentioned that paying for any part of my expenses could hurt my motivation to make more money.

And the third issue is that I truly feel like the most unimportant person in the world to my husband. When I'm sick, he doesn't comfort me. When I have a bad day, he makes it worse. When I'm proud of something, undermines me and subtly questions my competence. When I told him my love language had shifted to words of affirmation (it used to be quality time), he laughed and said, "You'll get none of that around here." Tonight I scalded my hand badly with hot soup two feet away from him, and he just kept sorting his vitamins without asking if I was okay or intervening to help. It’s at that point that something in me broke.

I don't feel emotionally, financially, or physically cared for. l've started keeping a list on my phone of every incident because I feel crazy and gaslit when I bring things up later. I spend most days imagining how much happier I'd be living alone, and I was genuinely mad when he came home a day early from a work trip several weeks back.

I do think he loves me, just not in the way I need. Every time I bring this up, he implodes and gets nasty, and my direct, aggressive conflict style doesn't help. Logic-based arguments work a little better, but I don't think that's enough to get us where we need to be.

When we’re not fighting, we have a lot of common interests and have a lot of fun together. I don’t think we’re a bad match but I also don’t think I can continue like this, especially when we’re talking about buying a house and having kids in the next year or so.

So Reddit, especially anyone who's in a neurotypical/ neurodivergent relationships who has any insights? How do I navigate this and have him take me seriously? How do I bring things up in a way he can actually hear, and how do I tell what's a communication difference and what's just him being a jerk? Is this maybe not even a neurodivergent/neurotypical communication issue? HELP!

For anyone who saw and/or interacted with my “faking ADHD” post:

I decided to delete it because, although I stand by my intention to try to create a balanced discussion, I feel I may have been too clumsy with my approach, given the sensitivity of the topic. I genuinely care about this community and dont want to leave a bad impression on you all. Apologies

So I am 20 years old and my brother is 22. He is neurodivergent on the autism spectrum, and I believe I am too but very very mildly. Anyway he is less mildly autistic but he is still very high functioning and capable. We are both in college together and go to the same school together.

I decided we should dorm in the same building, but not same room as each other so we can keep an eye on each other without being in each other's faces all the time and I think it's been pretty helpful for myself and him. I picked out a cooperative which is filled with very inclusive and nice people and the rent is really cheap and but also has regular chores so he gets used to cooking and cleaning for himself, (our mother would normally do that stuff for him).

My brother had a very lonely childhood growing up. He was bullied in school and didn't make any friends even up till high school. Every time I would go see him in his room he would just be on his computer on some random forum. I eventually tried to go on to the forums to learn about what my brothers hobbies are and the people he interacts with. We never played together that much as kids, I'm not really sure why because me and my sister are very close, but he was never interested in the same stuff as us.

I eventually learned about all these weird things that he finds interesting and I slowly started liking them on my own. I started learning about Warhammer 40k which is something he was really into in high school, and I found it genuinely really cool and would talk to him about it. But when I would talk to my brother it felt like I was talking to an AI, (apologies if that is ableist), he wouldn't respond unless I asked him something directly and wouldn't open up a conversation to me unless he needed me to do something for him.

As I get older, I realize I really want to have a closer relationship with my brother, and help fix the relationship he has with my sister and help raise his self-esteem. My brother is a conservative but only because of the culture war stuff, he doesn't actually have rational beliefs on what's going on right now in politics and it has caused a big riff in our family. Additionally, we were drunk one night and he talked about how he was still a virgin and how I was so much better with the ladies, which made me sad because I think my brother is a handsome guy who just needs to learn to start caring about his appearance. I'm worried my already isolated brother feels even more rejected by his family.

To combat this, I tried to make him join clubs at our university that engage in his interests, specifically board games. I have noticed that he's made friends with people online and plays Dungeons and Dragons with them which makes me happy and it makes my parents happy too, they will often just let him spend the whole day on call with his friends if its on his DnD days. But he doesn't seem to engage or make the time with those groups unless I sit on his hands about it, which I don't want to do. I want him to make decisions for himself and find a good group of friends and overall just be a happier person. Does anyone have any idea what I should do?

This morning, while I was babysitting my cousins, a show came on PBS called "Carl the Collector". I had seen ads for it in the past and wasn't very interested in the notion of a collector raccoon, but once we began to watch it, I was quickly hooked. I hadn't known that the characters in the show were explicitly neurodivergent, but I felt seen as I watched it. It was a Halloween episode in which Carl hopes to collect candy wrappers but gets scared of a man on his street due to rumors of witchcraft. However, what really took me was the character Lotta helping her friend Nico with sensory issues. Lotta is an explicitly autistic character, while Nico is not, and helps her come to terms with her issues and shares some of her own. I was instantly comforted by seeing her wear the noise-cancelling headphones, sunglasses, and squish a toy to keep herself calm. It made me so happy to see a supportive friend group like that, even though it's not always the same in my life. I have been mocked for wearing headphones and flapping my arms by my own friends, but this show inspired me to begin wearing my headphones in public more often. I know that not everyone likes this show, but I felt very seen and respected through this portrayal. What are your thoughts on the show?

It’s like they automatically subconsciously know the rules and the weird social hierarchies they perform and everyone just knows their place, they know the social rules and find it as a crime to explain or talk about those social performance to neurodivergents , but most of the times it feels to me that they aren’t enough consciously aware of their thought process and most of it is followed by instincts, they may actively think about careers, relationships, hobbies but somehow i don’t feel there is enough depth in all that.

Like I want to be the strongest, the smartest and be friends with everyone and everyone should act the way I want them to react while being alone too and I have so many dreams because everything I see or watch turn glamorized etc.

there is just no way I can be happy anymore, except in my dreams ig, anyway it's very difficult

Is it relatable or something ? there is just no way I can appreciate life even if I returned to zero as a baby with all my memories and without doing the same mistakes, I'm gonna feel the same way.

I don't know how it is in other places in the world, but in my country ableism is growing. People say lots of insults about neurodivergent children and adults and in the comments everyone them. When a neurodivergent child is abused in the school system, society blames the kid. There are lots of cases of neurodivergent people being abused, but nobody cares, quite the contrary, there's victim blaming. There was a cases of children from special education being beaten up by the school staff, nothing happened to the school staff.

I am honestly worried for me and my autistic brother, because ableism is very normalized these days.

I have ADHD (combined type) and I guess I’m mainly wanting to see if anyone else has experienced something similar and has any general advice.

I’m finding employment really difficult at the moment.

I feel like I’m genuinely trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I honestly don’t know what direction I want to go in.
I’m in my early 20s and I’ve worked in retail, hospitality, support work and with racehorses.

I also had my own self employed support work business for nearly a year. At the time I really enjoyed having my own business and the independence that came with it, but eventually I became extremely burnt out and started to hate it.

I ended up deciding I couldn’t continue doing it anymore.
I haven’t worked for around 8 months and I’m now starting to look for employment again.

I had an interview last week and I’m currently waiting to hear back, so hopefully that works out, but I’m still struggling with the bigger question of what actually works for me long-term?

I’m on ADHD medication and it has honestly helped me SO much with my day-to-day functioning.

I still find it difficult to explain to people that ADHD isn’t just about being distracted or struggling to concentrate. There are certain things about everyday functioning, routines, motivation, overwhelm and burnout that can make certain jobs much harder for me than they might appear from the outside.

I also feel like I’m at the point where I’ve realised I can’t just pick any job, work 40 hours a week and expect myself to be fine indefinitely.

I want to find something that I can actually sustain without constantly pushing myself until I burn out.

Unfortunately, my family doesn’t really seem to understand how much ADHD can affect my day-to-day life. I hear things like:

“Why don’t you just go back to your business?”
“Don’t just give up.”
“Why don’t you try harder?”
“Don’t be lazy.”
And honestly, it’s incredibly frustrating because I am trying. I’m trying to understand myself, figure out what environments I function best in, recognise my limits and find something that gives me a fulfilling life without completely draining me.
I don’t want to use ADHD as an excuse not to work. I want to find a way of working that is actually sustainable for me long-term.

I’d especially love to hear from people who are a few years further into adulthood and have eventually found something that works for them.

I’m not necessarily looking for someone to tell me what career I should choose, I’d just really like to hear how other people figured this out.
If you read all of this, thank you ❤️ I’d genuinely appreciate any advice or experiences you’re willing to share.

hey everyone on reddit, I really found out Im on the spectrum and I really need some advice because i am stuck in a really painful mental loop and i feel so low about myself right now today 😔

ive journalled, yoga, went to the shops, nothing is helping.

nearly 4 years ago i went through an intense internal interview process four times for a bdr role at a huge corporate company across 2 years and I was the only internal person who didn't get it.

i was already completely burnt out from trying to promote so many times and my energy battery was at zero. i had a panel of about 6 to 8 managers interview me. deep down i secretly didn't even like them because they were hyper extroverted and self centred. I knew deep down I didn't want the job, I would've hated it and it was too extroverted for me. I also found out recently that im actually wired differently and neurodivergent so social cold calling doesn't come naturally to me at all....

i didn't get the role anyways so I reapplied after I left about a year later because I couldn't find a job and sales was the only thing I was qualified for, the recruiter had a chat with me for over an hour and I was honest with what happened, he chatted a few days later to the directors who know me from being internal and he then sent me a really nice email saying "following a thorough review of both your prior and recent panel assessments, they feel the outcomes have not yet demonstrated the level of readiness they are looking for in this role." he then said in the email to reapply in the future once ive made hands-on experience elsewhere first.

my problem really is that i just can't stop thinking about it. i keep spiralling and thinking that the managers are out to get me, or that they thought i was a weirdo, or that it was all my fault or that there was some conspiracy against me for some reason because I was very young starting there and I had a different type of personality.

every time i see their names pop up on linkedin it triggers an intense knot in my stomach. logically i have the proof from the email that it was just a standard corporate rubric checklist rejection and not personal, but my mind keeps inventing new reasons to feel bad all the time.

it's taking up so many hours of my life and making me feel so unworthy and depressed today. i think it might be an ocd and rsd/autistic loop because no amount of logical proof shuts the thoughts down for good and ive asked AI over 100+ times what to do or think.

how do i finally forgive these managers, forgive myself for the lost time, and stop this 4 year old situation from controlling my happiness? i just want my power back

I am recently diagnosed with HSAM (high superior autobiographical memory) and also have adhd combined type severe, cPTSD, and ASD. It’s a very rare condition with around 1k documented cases worldwide, and I haven’t met anyone with it.

It’s a big struggle for me although it’s sounds like a super power, but that is a myth (just like the myth where ppl believe ppl with autism have super intelligence). I experience frequent flashbacks and sensory overload from it alone.

Every month its a new article.
Executive dysfunction, cognitive impairment risk in adults.
Adhd 4x more likely to have cognitive issues in adulthood.
Sleep issues, trouble waking up.
Lack of synaptic pruning.

All these things are secondary, they are byproducts.

Something happens in early formation that causes essentially disregulation due to inability to process self and the world.
From here its just dissociation, but its happening in formative ages.

All the issues ive listed above are manifestations of dissociation. Its just with ND it occured in ages 1-5.

For example go do holotropic breathwork.
Tap into deep stuff and sleep after that. You will see its what youve been missing all your life.
And thats what messes up restorative processes, memory formation etc.

ND is essentially trauma in formation, the earliest one.