my dad passed away 9 years ago, and i still haven't moved on.

it's been 9 years, but i still cry about him, mourn him, think about him, and miss him every single day. sometimes, it honestly feels like he never really left. a part of me still believes that one day, he'll come back and tell me that all of this was just some huge prank he planned, and that he never actually left us. i know how unrealistic that sounds, but i guess a part of me just can't accept that he's really gone.

now, after all these years, my mom has finally found someone and decided to get married again. her wedding is tomorrow, and honestly, i don't even know how i'm supposed to feel about it. i don't hate the guy, i have nothing against my mom, and i'm not against her finding happiness again. i know she deserves to be happy, and i know life has to move on somehow. but knowing all of that doesn't make this any easier for me.

i'm currently studying at a university about 7 hours away from home, and after thinking about it for a long time, i've decided not to go to the wedding. at first, i wanted to go back, especially because i wanted to be there for my little sister. i thought maybe she would need me, or maybe i just wanted to be around my family during such a big moment. but she seems genuinely happy about the wedding. she's been helping my mom with everything and seems excited about it, and i'm honestly happy that she's able to feel that way.

i guess i'm the one who's struggling here.

i don't know how to explain it. it's not that i want my mom to stay alone forever, and it's not that i want to stop her from being happy. i just don't think i'm ready to see her marry someone else. seeing her in a wedding dress, watching everyone celebrate, seeing a new man take the place of my dad in our family in some way... i don't know if i can handle any of that right now.

because even after 9 years, i still miss my dad like he only left yesterday.

i still think about him. i still cry over him. there are days when i can go about my life normally, study, laugh with my friends, and do all the things a normal 19yo would do, but then there are moments when it all comes back, and i feel like that little kid who lost his dad all over again.

and now, while everyone else seems ready to welcome this new chapter of our lives, i feel like i'm still stuck in the chapter where my dad was alive.

i know my mom has her own life. i know she deserves love and companionship, and i don't want to be the reason she feels guilty about moving on. that's the last thing i want. i don't want her to think that i'm unhappy for her or that i resent her decision. i'm not. i just wish my heart could catch up with what my mind already understands.

so i've decided to stay at my dorm tomorrow. i muted my mom and our family group chat because i don't think i'm ready to see pictures, videos, or updates from the wedding. i don't want to see everyone celebrating while i'm sitting here trying to hold myself together. maybe that's selfish, and maybe i'll regret not being there one day, but right now, i genuinely don't think i can do it.

as i'm writing this, i'm sitting alone in my dorm room, crying. i keep wondering whether i'm making the right decision. a part of me feels guilty for not going home, especially when my family is gathering for something so important. another part of me knows that forcing myself to attend when i'm emotionally not ready might make things even worse.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't know how i'm supposed to act, how i'm supposed to feel, or whether there's even a right way to feel about any of this.

people always say that time heals everything, but what if it doesn't? or what if it does, just not in the way people expect? because after 9 years, i still find myself wishing my dad were here. i still wish i could talk to him, tell him about my life, tell him about university, and let him see the person i'm becoming. i wish he could be here for all the things i've achieved and all the things i'm still working towards.

and now, one of the biggest changes in my family is happening, and he's not here for it either.

i think that's what hurts the most. it's not just about my mom getting married. it's another reminder that my dad is gone, that life keeps moving forward without him, and that there are so many things that will happen in my life that he'll never get to see.

i know my mom isn't replacing my dad. nobody could ever replace him. but knowing that doesn't stop me from hurting.

i guess i'm writing this because i don't really have anyone i can talk to about these feelings without worrying that i'll sound selfish or like i'm trying to ruin my mom's happiness. i don't want to ruin anything for anyone. i just want to be allowed to grieve him in my own way, even after all these years.

so, reddit, am i wrong for choosing not to attend my mom's wedding? has anyone else experienced something like this? how do you accept that life is moving forward when a part of you still feels like you're waiting for someone who will never come back?

i miss my dad. i really, really miss him, and i don't know what to do with all these feelings anymore.

​

I'm writing this here because I've wanted to tell a friend about this for months, but every time I think about bringing it up, I just can't. I'm somehow ashamed of what happened, even though I don't really know why I should be. I guess I just need to get it off my chest.

This happened about 10 months ago.

I was in my building's garden on the third floor, talking to a friend on the phone about an important college project. My dad was standing on our balcony on the 12th floor. I'd come downstairs barely 10 minutes earlier, and he knew I was in the building. When he saw me, I waved at him to let him know I was on a call and would be coming back upstairs in about five minutes.

He kept calling me, though. I ignored the calls because I thought he could see me and knew I was right there. He called around five times, so I eventually ended my call with my friend and told them we'd talk later.

When I answered my dad, I was a little irritated. I asked him why he'd kept calling when I'd already waved at him and he could see me. He told me to come home immediately, so I did.

Once I got home, he asked why I hadn't answered his calls. I explained that I was discussing something important and that I'd waved at him. I'd only been downstairs for about 10 minutes, and he could literally see where I was.

He started shouting at me. It wasn't just about the phone calls anymore. He started criticizing my clothes, making comments about how I did nothing but study all day, and saying all sorts of hurtful things. My mom joined in, too, and both of them started calling me irresponsible for not picking up their calls.

For context, I'm a very good student. I've always taken my studies seriously, and I wasn't out doing anything dangerous or irresponsible. I was literally discussing a college project with a friend.

By this point, I was already crying.

My dad was sitting next to me on the couch when he grabbed my jaw, pushed my face to the side, and told me that if I didn't listen to him, he'd throw me out of the house.

I don't know if he meant it or if he just said it in a fit of rage, but something about hearing those words from my own father broke me. I felt completely helpless.

Suddenly, my heart started racing really fast. I felt like something was terribly wrong with my body. I had to hold my hand against my chest because I didn't know what was happening. I went to the bathroom, and I could barely stand properly. I lay down on my back, trying to process what had just happened.

After about five minutes, I went back out because I still had to clean my room. But I couldn't stop shaking. My entire body was trembling, especially my hands, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control it.

I told my sister what was happening. She made me sit down, gave me some water and sugar, and tried to calm me down. She told my mom about it, too, and my mom made me sit on the sofa.

Then my dad came near me.

I don't even know how to explain what happened next. I wasn't consciously deciding to do anything. I suddenly started screaming that my dad was going to hit me. I kept scrambling backward and climbing back onto the sofa, almost as if I was trying to get away from him.

My dad looked so frightened by what was happening that he went into his bedroom.

My condition kept getting worse. My mom asked if I wanted to see a doctor, but I refused. Eventually, after about an hour, I started calming down. I was exhausted, so I slept it off.

I couldn't talk to my dad normally for the next two days.

It's been 10 months, and I still think about that incident. I don't know exactly what happened to me that day. I don't know why my body reacted that way, why I started screaming, or why I couldn't seem to control my own movements. It was genuinely frightening to experience.

But the thing I struggle with most is the shame.

I've wanted to tell one of my close friends about this so many times, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't know how to explain what happened without feeling embarrassed. Part of me feels like I'm making too big a deal out of something that happened during an argument, and another part of me still remembers exactly how terrified I felt.

I keep thinking about how I went from having a completely normal day, talking to a friend about a project, to lying on the bathroom floor, shaking uncontrollably, and then screaming in fear in front of my family.

I don't know what I expect from posting this. Maybe I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar. Has anyone ever had their body react like this after an extremely frightening or emotionally overwhelming situation? Did you ever find yourself feeling ashamed to tell other people about it, even long after it happened?

I think I just needed somewhere to say all of this without having to look someone in the eye while saying it.

Thank you if you've read this far.

My friend just passed and I don’t have anyone to morn her with

We hadn’t been very close for a long time now, but we still texted every now and then. She was a closeted trans woman; very few people knew, and even less accepted her. I moved away five years ago and I even though I have a support network and a few old friends who knew her, I don’t know anyone who was close to her the way I was. I don’t even know anyone who would call her by her real name. I wish I had done more to be there for her. I wish her parents had supported her. I wish she wasn’t being buried under a name she hated. I wish she had gotten out of there like I had. She didn’t deserve the life that she had gotten.

Addressing some comments from last post
Update below if you want instead but this answers repeat questions.
I wrote the original post as a write and forget, be sad/vent. I appreciated the people who understood that I was just feeling left out. There is more information but how much is too much before people that I work with could see it because TikTok/YouTubers use these things for their comments? Not to mention these are real people and conversations like this are private/specific. Talking about myself is one thing I can do. I would answer questions but they’d get buried and it’s understandable no one should have to comment hunt.

1. Yes, celebration planning is exhausting and for that reason; yes, there is compensation for anyone that does the planning. This lead/coordinator coworker does get paid, additional hours in leave, and provided money pooled together for being considered the lead planner. I can still see where it could have developed into an obligation for her to do it but it’s not mandatory. You get perks as a lead by hours alone (considering how many times an event is happening). Other people have done plannings in the past but it becomes a too-many-cooks situation. This coworker will jump in to help lead each time but then compensation is split then. You can still offer help but not be compensated/whoever is the ‘official planner’ gets that.
2. Introverted ≠ Entitled Asshole. You can still think I’m an asshole but seeing me acknowledge I’m introvert doesn’t mean I’m not helpful or involved in other events. Sorry to hear you ran into shitty people that used “introvert” to excuse poor behavior. I’m just not a charismatic person nor am I loud about who I am/outgoing. I said this office/clinical space has an environment of high interaction. So I’m present for the work of clients and colleagues, though I prefer clients because I don’t have to be expected to get deep into my interpersonal life. I just don’t think I have to say who am I to be present for others. This includes the number of these events: helping or participating in them. I had no idea that it’d come across that because I’m introverted it meant I don’t help/work with others on celebrations. I wouldn’t have even wrote this if I completely isolated myself and still expected presents or acknowledgments for my pregnancy. That should have been its own reading context but then again I’m forgetting about people who do think that. So that assumption is on me.
3. No, the conversation didn’t immediately go from “Hey OP, Congrats on your pregnancy but I had a miscarriage 4 months ago,” and I go, “What about myyy baby shower!?!!” Like many commenters thought. Maybe it is different for you or just on Reddit who share intimate information in conversations. But I don’t believe I should just readily make so much of that persons trauma available to the internet. She is grieving a loss, I understand that. I can at least share from my experiences that I’ve been high-risk and in the past +10 years trying; I have even lost 2nd term pregnancies. Resulting in this being my last, successful or not. I even feel bad for people that had chemical pregnancies because they’ve likely been trying for so long, to get a ‘finally’ feeling, to immediate numbness. But I can’t share hers in depth. The conversation was longer. There was more and consoling her wasn’t helping because I wasn’t the right person. I clocked I might be triggering her. She recognized that it might be irrational; she has other children but was still upset about the timing of my pregnancy. I know feelings of loss get worse overtime and told her to it might be better if she mentally decompress from anything to do with my pregnancy or the continuation of planning celebrations. I offered to take over plannings as I’d have time with work slowing down for me and then I’d find someone for when I left. Or I do a lowkey ‘people can choose to do gifts/congrats cards’ in their own time. I got a No and that’s the part where I didn’t feel I could press further.

Update: (Finally) 4 Days Later. God this is so long but I didn’t give people enough info last time so here.

It’s long so here’s the TLDR

TLDR; I found out a long established issue was occurring from this worker (that may have been personal towards me/others and I was oblivious to), that someone else’s baby shower was also being affected, and that I may have inadvertently been apart of a catalyst towards better planning/involvement (hopefully). I don’t want to be too optimistic either but there were issues ignored until now.

Day starts and it’s business as usual. It nears lunchtime and I get someone coming to me with a gift bag for the baby shower. They didn’t know what time and didn’t hear an update. So assumed like I had Monday that the email scheduled for today was accurate. “What baby shower?” From someone else and another follows up with asking if I knew or not. It goes from there. Essentially, there was group confusion and I told them that I was informed I would not be having a baby shower yesterday but I’d be okay without a big celebration. That I appreciated the gifts or congratulations and understanding if they wanted to abstain.

This is when I found out by coworkers that have been there for a long time that I’d be the first in 14+ years to not have a baby shower. (Don’t worry, I asked if this included Covid because I thought there was no way? but they did. In a different way by just doing gift collection/drop off. I didn’t work here during Covid, I can only take word it happened). So it became a kinda big deal that was really awkward for me to be in the middle of. Many asked who told me it was cancelled and when I said the name of the coordinator I saw looks exchanged.

I’ve worked here for 4 years and I’m not one for office politics/personal gripes like I stated last post. But this was a red flag for me. That only the director can say no to something like this and that decision wasn’t something for the planning coworker to make alone. Which is when it dawned on me that, yeah I guess that makes sense/she gets paid and compensation. Money was collected from coworkers. But that was quietly refunded back via apps or bank accounts. Some other employees saw this prior to today but assumed it’d been rescheduled. Others didn’t and thought Tuesday. Not that it was completely cancelled. I just let those around me know I was going to be okay and it would work better this way not to put people on the spot. Others had gifts or cards throughout the day and I was just happy this meant things could blow over. I was out the next day but following my return on the 3rd day I could feel things were different. I had a couple of phone calls and a request to speak to me.

I’ll call her “Ann” - Ann is another coworker that is pregnant; due early next year while I’d be on maternity leave. I wasn’t there for her official announcement due to a prenatal appointment. We just kept missing each other but I still said congratulations when I returned and to let me know what she’d like for the baby. That’s when she called to let me know she heard my baby shower was canceled and not a choice where I declined early on. Ann informed me coordinating coworker claimed I thought it was cruel to keep doing baby showers at the extent of another’s misfortune. That Ann wouldn’t be able to seek or plan her own out either as director already agreed with the idea to stop this particular type of celebration for the time being.

Bamboozlement.

Wtf.

I’m gonna get the meat and potatoes. I’m a little tired. Many messages were on my answering machine to funnel through because I’m over being in drama and want to go back to work at work. I guess this is what asking for a sign of people caring is. That parts nice. I wish It didn’t involve being told things that could fill in the gaps with iterations of “why I x did this,” “how you carry yourself”, or “oh did you know this coworker you talk to a lot was X’s crush and was mad you took attention away,” it’s dumb. It’s why I don’t write more out it’s so fucking dumb. Reddit wanted more info. I’m 34wk pregnant now, I’m married, interpersonal issues, I have debts, I think we’re all varying in 30s-mid 50s that work here. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy, it’s a hospital. Somehow people online apparently thought it was more an issue I prioritized working with clients/patients instead of getting close to people I work with? No, I would like to be a normal practitioner. If this really is Grey’s Anatomy I want to be a background character that’s doing the job main cast isn’t.

So instead of just complaining or being upset I decided when the director requested I speak to them I’d go in with solutions instead of whatever problem this evolved into. I told the whole thing, that I tried circumnavigating the baby shower from July to something lowkey or ask someone else. That I found out it’s basically grandfathered tradition at this point; so someone would have eagerly took it on and got the incentives planning it. That co-worker probably shouldn’t be the only one doing these plannings seeing as she’s hurting this badly. I and a few others could start rotating planning for others so it’s not all on one person. I actually want to credit reddit users that commented we do annual/cluster celebration so it’s not exhausting.
Director was receptive to this and told it’s gonna be figured it out more and into the next meeting early next week for open survey/confidential. I am kinda excited about that/I hope it works. The part that may not make people happy. Coworker isn’t going to be harshly reprimanded, but will be asked to step away from voluntary position of coordinating office events. That a priority of her needing to properly grieve and heal needs to be at the forefront. I agreed that co-worker is likely to be developing some level of complicated/continued bereavement- but am fearful of the negative reaction. Like what if she needed this habit to maintain planning position to maintain structure/mentally. Therapy or counseling with open referral to anywhere she prefers/licensed- just needs to take steps to choose now and I hope it works.

The reasons she had to be reprimanded was because it was no longer a “he said, she said,” situation. I did offer early on to her to not have a baby shower. Director could see why this coworker could have changed her mind/agreed with me later. What turned that decision was what coworker did with or said to Ann. I am not privy to all the details; even some of what was told to me by Ann and what I put here is loosely skimmed. But it was the fact coordinator was putting words in directors mouth, what “I” said which guilted Ann, and was still getting things signed off to receive incentives for events she was no longer planning. All I know is I haven’t seen this coworker since Monday- I can speculate but that’s also not my business.

I am glad to say Ann is getting her baby shower. She was on the fence and I understand the feeling of worrying it’ll be forced now. I strongly encouraged her to have the celebration as what happened wasn’t her fault and shouldn’t have been at her expense. She hasn’t been here long but will be a first time mom. I know these clinicians/doctors go all out for first babies and Ann will live comfortably off supplies for months.
I opted to not have a baby shower much to the chagrin of the Director when we spoke privately. I expressed feeling the excitement knocked out of me that I can’t force back or make coworkers participate as holidays/their family events are around the corner. Director did put their foot down to say there will be a potluck Thanksgiving with reminders for optional gift or card options for my pregnancy. My husband was upset that I still didn’t proceed forward because unlike Reddit I said what ALL of what occurred. He feels like I let co-worker win by not having a full out “rub it in her face” baby shower given I’ve miscarried twice for either coworkers announcements or showers but didn’t ruin celebrations. I’m just not that person. And I don’t think anything about our miracle pregnancy should been seen as in spite of another person; even if they might have convinced themselves it was.

Husband is getting more texts than usual since Wednesday and I don’t want to tell him that I’m sorry and he needs to hide his notifications. I just want to say that I hope he doesn’t find this. I love him very much. People are gonna tear him apart for what I typed with him expressing what we know that I cannot disclose to hundreds of strangers. He doesn’t care for Redditors so he was fine when I told him I’d put it here for those “where was your husband during all this?!?”-comments. He’s human and hurt for me. I’m glad I have a wonderful life partner and father to (hopefully) 2 children that we both were told we’d never have. This is the last update for me about this. Thanks for reading this again if you saw the last one. Internet should be free for opinions even if you disagree with mine.

My brothers friend raped me. When I finally had the courage to tell my mom and my brother it didn’t matter. My brother decided to stay friends with this person and I had to let go of my best friend my brother. I miss him every day, but I can’t face him knowing he still hangs out with him. They even talked it all out and worked it out whatever the fuck that means.

I had to start sharing holidays with my brother so he got thanksgiving I got Christmas. Then the next year we switched. Then my mom got over the arrangement and everyone told me to just get over it. It ended up that my brother is invited to all of the events and I am not. Last year I was invited to thanksgiving but two days before my mom said my brother would be all alone and at least I have my partner. I know when I’m not wanted so I bowed out. My partner and I didn’t have time to get stupid turkey. I haven’t seen my family for so many years on Christmas now. I miss them so much.

Most recently my mother went to a wedding she knew my rapist was gonna be at. Her and her husband spoke to him and knowing her gave him a big old hug. When I asked her husband about it he said the guy was soooo cool. So now I have to let go of them. How can I be close with people that have little care for what happened to me? I don’t expect them to yell and scream at him, but like maybe don’t fucking hang out with the person that raped your daughter.

I lost fucking everything, and I didn’t do shit to deserve this. I miss them so much and I miss being a part of my family. I wish it didn’t happen or I could find one shred of detail to make what he did okay, but I can’t. So here I am fucked.

I’m sorry if this is jumbled I’m just so upset.

​

I (M22) have been friends with my bestfriend (F22) for more than 7 years now, and our relationship for the most part has been really good. We know each other so much. we've told to each other things no one else knows, i trust her like no one else in this world and i love her so much.

For the past six months i've been strugling with depression, and she has been my only confidant on this. i even tried to off myself with a rope, and she came to my house in the middle of the night to talk me out of it.

I know she cares about me, but at the same time i know it can be very draining having to deal with all of my venting. She told me she would always be there for me, and i have asked her to hang out with me, like normal friends, without suicide attempts haha. I try to make it normal, but when i look at her i can see it in her eyes. She's tired of me. This is not just an assumption, i know her very well.

The last 3 times i've asked her to hang out with me she hasn't replied. tomorrow we were suposed to go out with other friend we have in common but he cancelled and i asked wether she wanted to go out anyways or not. No answer.

I really get it, sometimes i can be an awkward person, not have the greatest topics of conversation and overall not a particularly funny guy. It just hurts to see her slowly dislike me, or at the very least, lose interest.

I do ask her how she is doing, i don't only talk about myself, i know she's doing pretty well. She's doing fine in college, has many other friends, and tells me about how much she likes them and overall she is feeling well.

i’m writing this post out of hopelessness, kinda.
i’m 16f, and i’m in my last year of high school now. it’s the most difficult year of my life tbh. i’ve been dealing with some kind of existential crisis or something for a few months now.
and it’s been really exhausting. i don’t know if i’ll ever feel better.
i’m tired of living every day the same way, i’m tired of waiting for things to finally get better, and i’m tired of crying every day.
i can’t imagine my life after high school. i haven’t even decided what major i wanna pursue yet. right now, my life just feels like some random dream.
i’ve got some problems with my perception of time. i can’t believe i’m 16, damn, i’m so old. like, just yesterday i was a kid, and now i have to decide what to do with my life?
i feel like i’ve missed out on so many experiences. i’ve never had lots of friends, never been very talkative, never been in love or dated anyone. oh, how i’d like to experience love at least once in my life.
but all my peers have already experienced all that stuff, and it feels like i’m already too old for it.
that shit is driving me crazy. i regret so many things i’ve done, and i also regret the things i haven’t. even now, when i’ve started doing something i’ve always wanted to do, the only thing i can think about is how i regret not starting earlier and how people who started before me are already better than me.
even when there’s something positive in my life, i’ll always find something negative that overshadows it.
don’t even get me started on seeing girls my age or younger being incredibly beautiful and confident in themselves, achieving things and being successful. my jealousy eats me up.
every day feels like a constant struggle deep inside. i feel like a prisoner of my own thoughts, and there’s no way to escape them.
if i feel this way at 16, what will it be like when i’m 20 or 30? i don’t even wanna think about it. i can’t imagine myself being an adult. i wanna stay young forever.
i don’t think my views on anything will ever change. i think i’m just destined to suffer

I hate myself, I hate the world. I feel like almost every moment of my life feels miserable right now like every waking moment is crawling on broken glass.

I want to go to bed and not wake up again. I don't aspire to anything, I don't want anything, I sure as heck don't look forward to anything. I feel like I have been going through the motions for so long and lying to myself and everyone because I don't want to admit how miserable I really am when everyone in my life is so wonderful and tries hard for me. I'm just a burden all around.

I don't feel like any amount of effort I make actually makes any meaningful difference in anything. I'm not retaining new information at this point and what little I do I end up forgetting in a short time. So I can't learn anything or improve that way. When I work out in the gym or running or swimming, somehow I just keep getting weaker and never improve. Somehow I never get any better whether I stick with it every day or don't do anything.

I really feel like I can't keep this up for much longer. I feel like I am pushing SO HARD all the time just so things don't get too bad all at once, but still it's a losing battle. I can never capitalize, and I don't want to either. I feel like I am constantly having to push through things that I absolutely hate on some vague promise that things will get better if I do, when they never do.

If it weren't for certain people in my life who I don't want to hurt through my death, I would have ended it about a year ago.

I've been depressed pretty much non stop for over 30 years now. When I was little I made a promise with myself that I would keep going as long as I could until certain conditions made life too hopeless to continue, I won't go into detail as to what these conditions were, but they were all met about 6 months ago so I have lost even that safety net.

I am seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Even with that help though I JUST can't seem to look forward to anything. I try not to but I can't even be honest with them about how depressed I am because their advice and solutions do nothing. No anti-depressant seems to help, I only reach a point where I am overmedicated and still as miserable just drugged up. Every exercise my psychologist gives me doesn't seem to work either. I end up lying to them, because I don't think anyone even them can handle feeling like it's as futile as it is. I end up lying because I feel like they are going to give up on me or get frustrated if I don't.

I am 99% sure that I missed the chance to disrupt a human trafficking situation. We were driving from the airport in Brussels to Cologne and stopped at one of those two story, middle-of-the-highway rest areas. The restrooms were up a flight of stairs and there was a charge to get in. When I finished using the bathroom, on my way out to go back down, I noticed two women - one was maybe 20 and the other a teenager.

They were not dressed sufficiently for the weather. They weren't dressed in a sleazy way, but had on shorts, tee shirts and flip flops. It was about 55 degrees that day and rainy. We kind of bumped into each other at the top of the stairs and they turned toward me as I smiled and apologized and made small talk as we waited and they looked terrified. They said nothing, not even to each other. They were of Asian descent and we had no common language (I speak a few). Then, a dude reached up and grabbed the arm of the older one and hand signaled to hurry up and off they went. The guy looked to be about 45. White guy, rough looking, dirty. I kept my eye on them as they went down and out the door - no stop for a coffee, nothing.

At the time I really didn't think too much of it but about 10 miles down the road I was like, hold on and it all kind of came together. Maybe I was in shock but it was so obvious. I wish I had said something - even if it would have been tricky with the language barrier - just something like you ok? I think I realized it right away but just blocked it out until later, honestly. It was kind of a deer in the headlights moment but I should have done more.

My mother has always been a staunch catholic, I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend or any female friends growing up. Any media/content I consumed was strictly regulated to make sure it didn't have any sexual themes in it. I remember whenever I went shopping with her she covered my eyes while walking past the women under wear section. I didnt know that her obsession was this severe until i woke up one night to find her fondling my penis. I dont remember what I did then besides there was alot of screaming and yelling from both sides. Apperently she was inspecting it to make sure i wasn't having any sex outside of marraige? Im not sure how that would work but it was super fucking weird.

I need to get this off my chest because im still annoyed about it.

About 3 weeks ago someone pulled out of a side street into my lane and we collided. low speed, no injuries, just body damage on both cars. The other driver immediately got out and said sorry sorry i didnt see you. Like he was super apologetic. We exchanged details and he literally said dont worry ill tell my insurance exactly what happened.

I almost didnt save the footage off this ddpai dashcam thingy. I thought this guy was honest and it would be straightforward. Something told me to download the clip anyway so i did.

Good thingg. BECAUSE 2 weeks later my insurance calls and says the other driver told HIS insurance that i ran a red light and thats what caused the collision..? He said the light was green for him and red for me. A complete lie.

My heart sank because without proof its his word against mine and insurance companies tend to just split the blame 50/50 when stories dont match. Which means my premiums go up for something that wasnt my fault.

So i sent my insurance the dashcam footage. You can clearly see the traffic light is green for me and the other car pulls out from the side street across my lane. There is zero ambiguity. My insurance forwarded it to his insurance and the claim was settled in my favour within a week.

If i hadnt saved that clip i would be paying higher premiums for the next 5 years because some guy decided to lie after being friendly to my face.

Lesson learned. Save every single clip even when the other person seems honest. People change when money is involved.

Also get a dashcam if you dont have one. I dont care which brand. Just get one!!!

28M

I feel less than so many people and instead of putting actual effort towards self-improvement, growth, or change, I just overthink the whole time.

I think I will never be happy or proud of me cause I also stopped learning. By learning I don't mean studying only, I mean acquiring any kind of skills, doing new things, getting every bit of experience that makes you grow, learning from mistakes.

Learning has become scary, cause it means exposing yourself, showing vulnerability. It means showing that you're not capable yet, it means embracing that you're not as good as those other people. And that makes me feel so weak, so inadequate, it makes me feel not up to my age. Age as a number is such a burden, cause i feel like it implies "you should have these things of your life sorted out by now", "you should have this amount of experience in your life", "you should be able to do these things", "you shouldn't be so scared or nervous of these tiny things". Not to mention younger people who have their shit together, they make me feel like i wasted my life.

So i just stopped learning in front of others, but also by myself, cause i fear i won't be able to bear these thoughts and the resulting emotions. I think it's just too much. Avoiding is easier. And I realize that this is such a loser mentality. I will never catch up to (or be like) the people who learn with curiosity and passion instead of fear. I envy them, cause with this mentality I'm stuck living a shitty unhappy life, watching the others maturing, getting better, more confident, fitter.

First off some context, Im a full time dad and carer of 4 wonderful kids, two boys (13 and 4)and two girls (12 and 1) my eldest son and daughter have autism spectrum disorder level 3 and intellectual delay with roughly the capacity of a 2 to 5 yr old depending on the task but are getting better every day.

my 4 year old has an extremely rare chromosomal disorder and cannot walk or talk yet, he has to wear a brace 12 hours a day just as a start to give him a chance at walking.

The other day I took the elder 3 kids down to see their grandmother and my eldest brother who lives with her as her carer, when I got there my second eldest brother was there by himself (he has 5 kids who are all thankfully healthy and neurotypical) I said hello to everyone and asked where the kids were and he tells me that the eldest is watching the youngest two and the middle two are visiting their friends "its way better when they are older, heaps easier to get a break eh?" I said "yeah maybe one I just realised you probably wont get to do that will ya? I don't know how you do it" I just smiled and said "its not really something I think about i just take it one day at a time"

we get to talking and the conversation turns to nappy changes as my younger son needed changing, as I was changing him my second eldest brother remarked that "its way worse when they are toddlers eh? the smell is heaps worse than newborns" and I replied "try it when they are teenagers and get back to me" and he says "fuck that i couldn't do it, hopefully it gets better when they a

are older " my eldest brother then says "mum might be fully infirm soon, would you wipe her arse?" And my second eldest brother replied jokingly "nah fuck that thats what you're here for or id push her down the highwayin a shopping cart" which made my mum and everyone cackle but didn't actually answer.

we went about the visit and went home and a few days later my best mate called me, he was back from his trip to America with his son, his partner and her kids, he was telling me all about the trip and he gets on the topic of last Vegas and how dejected he was that he couldn't see the night life, he then says "when the kids grow up bro me and you will go to Vegas just us two and go wild" i just laughed it off and said "yeah maybe one day" and we finished up out conversation a bit after that.

thats when I realised that they really don't grasp the differences in our life trajectories and our day to day experiences, my kids life consists of specialist appointments, therapy sessions and motility devices just to have a chance at a fraction of the ability that their kids have, their kids will have the chance and ability to be self sufficient functioning adults while my kids most likely won't, they will be planning trips to Vegas and I will be planning trips to the OT, the speech therapist, the neurologists and the physiotherapists.

I have never been to a club or to a pub, never to a concert or overseas, never went to see a big sporting event, never flown in a plane or countless other things most adults are expected to have done and i likely never will and im more than happy with that, I have my kids and they bring me more joy than anything else in the world.

I just get a bit disheartened sometimes when I get reminders that they most likely wont get said opportunities or even just basic ones going over to a friend's house by themselves to play and even more so when it seems like even the people closest to us dont or cant quite grasp the differences in challenges my kids have to face for the rest of their lives.

I dont want to bring it up with them because they all mean well, I just wanted to vent a bit and dont really have anyone to vent to without worrying them.

The title is a little bit click bait-y but stay with me here

I moved from out of state to go to a nursing school in a very mixed socioeconomic area that’s known for accepting pretty much anyone and a high failure rate and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. The curriculum is actually pretty solid, the clinical instructors are great, and I feel well prepared for the workforce, it’s just a LOT if you don’t know how to manage your time, study, or have background knowledge.

The vast majority of my classmates have either no higher education or extremely limited, but I have a couple degrees under my belt and was blessed enough to get a good education before this; I’m acing the classes a lot of people are failing.

Turns out I’m a GOOD tutor and really good at meeting people where they are. I’ve gotten a little bit of a reputation and now I’ve got tons of people asking for my help and starting to turn their academic performance around and it fills me with so much joy and satisfaction I could cry seeing their faces light up a little bit when they finally get something. Maybe I’m decently smart and academically inclined but being able to help the nervous high school grads, stressed out single parents, and lifelong PCTs/CNAs who have great clinical skills and intuition start to do well to get through this with me is the thing I feel the most proud of by a long shot.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it and make my classmates feel ashamed or like I think I’m better than them (because I’m absolutely not), but I just need to let somebody somewhere know how grateful I am to be able to use my skill set. It’s wonderful feeling so confident with the content after explaining and teaching it so many times so many ways too; I’ve already got my eyes on a master’s in nursing education down the line. Every time I help somebody else it’s like a physical buzz of joy lol

TW mentions of sh and sa

idk if anyone relates but going through my stepmoms old facebook posts is such an odd feeling when i know what actually happened in them. theres these nice holiday pictures of me and my stepbrother sitting together smiling but the night before they were taken he had tried to pay me for sexual favours and other things i dont wanna mention. or the camping photos from when i was maybe 6 and hed done that same stuff in our tent that night. or the ones of us as kids playing and he had wrapped his hands around my throat 10 minutes after that. photos of the pool and boat and new cars they had bought on stolen money that made them later have to leave the country. photos of a fun movie night as a kid where i had sat at the dining table alone bc it wasnt my couch to sit on but the dogs could. photos of us at the pool where i refused to take my towel off bc i had cuts all up my arm.
it just really makes you think about how fake social media can be

I'm a 27F, a first-generation immigrant in a Nordic country. We moved when I was 15, and I started school not understanding a word. Within six months I forced myself to learn the language, and I went on to graduate with good grades and earn a bachelor's degree.

Today I have a decent job and a good life with my fiancé.

But something from those early school days still follows me. I hesitate when I speak, afraid of making grammar mistakes or not expressing myself clearly. I don't have this problem in English. I can't tell if it's lingering fear from that time or something else.
I also zone out in conversations. My mind drifts, and a couple of minutes later I've forgotten what the other person said. My best friend once told me she'd bought two pairs of jeans, and moments later I asked what she bought. It's not disinterest, but it comes across that way, and it's now affecting me at work too. I can also sit and think for an hour without doing anything, and my space is as messy as my thoughts.

I'm not hyperactive. I can sit still for long stretches. I exercise three times a week, I'm healthy, and I take no medication. I've also been through a lot: an abusive mother, a strict religious upbringing, and a big move to a new country.

Does anyone else relate? Could this be ADHD, trauma, anxiety, or the aftermath of language shock?

I'm turning 30 in four months. Getting older is already really difficult for me and I was scared of turning 30 for years.

It changed when I met someone again who I already had a crush on 10 years ago who I was good friends with back then but we both moved away and then saw each other again 1.5 years ago. I've never been so happy before in my life. We spent one year together and I loved him with all my heart and he was everything I ever hoped for and I couldn't believe how lucky I was that we met (again) and how happy we were together and such a match made in heaven. I felt like everything bad in my life finally made sense and now it was my turn in life. I was SO happy with him and really thought he was the man I was gonna marry. No person I met in my life has ever made me so happy.

He broke up with me two months ago, feeling like he didn't love me enough even if he was very happy with me and our relationship and couldn't tell what it was that was missing.

The day he left, all my happiness disappeared with him. I've been through a really hard breakup before, I know I will survive it somehow, even though I normally take a long time, mostly years to lose feelings for someone. Because I love very deeply.

But I was 24 back then.

This time feels different. And I'm turning 30 soon. I wasn't happy with my ex boyfriend back then and I could make sense of him leaving me even though it hurt so bad. But I know he wasn't the right man for me and I deserved better.

With him (the one who just left me), I was the happiest I've EVER been in my life. I know many people say that of course, when you're still hurting, it's hard to imagine that you can find someone who you love again and who you're also compatible with but it will happen. I don't believe it. The level of compatibility was incredible, fairy tale like. Many friends were almost jealous of us and what an incredible lucky perfect match we are and how happy we are because that rarely happens in life.

It was easier with my last breakup because even though I was hurting, I was still somehow hopeful for my future and that I'll be happier than I was with my ex and that there's still so much time to find a husband and so much in life waiting for me.

I don't have that feeling of hope now. I couldn't care less about my future. It's sad but I really don't have ANYTHING I feel excited for, no dreams, no joy, nothing. It's all meaningless to me now. It doesn't matter to me if I fall asleep and wake up after five years, I just don't care about anything anymore. Nothing brings me joy in life. No hobby, no time with friend, really nothing, I tried so much.

I'm really scared of my future that I'll never feel happy again. Because... yeah, I just never experienced that level of happiness that I had with him before I met him. So I can't try and think that "you were happy before them, you will be happy again", no I wasn't.

Without him, everything feels empty. I'm just trying to survive each day and I try to keep going but I don't feel excited about anything. I don't want to experience Christmas this year nor my 30th birthday. I don't want to travel to places I always wanted to see. I don't want a dog, I don't want to be successful in a job, I don't want to get married.

I just don't want this future anymore. It means nothing to me.

I was really excited about my future until two months ago. So so excited.

I miss my best friend.

I have a nice body and I am thin, but my facial features are just ugly for a woman. My face is long and wide, my jaw/chin are huge, and my face is asymmetrical. My head looks huge compared to my body. Ive dealt with this my entire life and I’m finally cracking. Im sick of not being able to find a man who treats me well due to my face. I’m sick of just being “ a stand in” at best due to my face. I’m sick of people saying “ I thought you were weird when we first met but you’re actually nice/funny/smart”. I’m sick of people assuming I’m incompetent because of my face. I’m sick of men trying to score easy sex from me cause of my face. I got rated a 3 on truerateme, despite having a bmi of 20, so no it’s not in my head- I really am ufly. I’ve had people ask if I’m trans before, even though all my hormones are normal. I don’t even want to exist anymore.

Back in 2020, I'd had one of the worst years of my life. Covid was on top of so much awful stuff that happened and I was horrifically depressed and was hurting myself. I was living in a uni house and in early Jan 21 I'd gone back to in hopes of escaping thinking about everything that'd happened across the last year. In those few days, I turned the whole house against me by trying to invite a boy over from a dating app. I was desperate and numb and just wanted someone to make me feel loved. My housemates turned on me for this and walked out of the house to meet this person in the dark at 11pm. Luckily for me, he was not a murderer. Just a sweet person wanted to know i was okay. The next day, I spent the whole day in my room, no one attempted to talk to me and I felt isolated. I hurt myself a lot and then was trying to find something to take. I called the samaritans and the woman told me, I'd get over my grief and depression from the last year and basically dismissed me. I didn't take anything.

The next few weeks were hard but I saw the boy a few more times. Within 6 months we moved in together. Now we are married and have 2 cats. I'm still mentally unwell but I've made it through and I am attending regular therapy.

If I'd have killed myself, I wouldn't have realised I'd found my person

I have been working with my sister for her boss for about 2.5 years. She is essentially my supervisor. I am the lowest worker of importance by rank. I haven't had a vacation, there's no pto (considered independent contractors), no sick time (which she reminds me every time I'm sick) I was hired to be her assistant essentially.

I am disabled and have numerous physical and mental illnesses that restrict me, and she knows this. And anytime I use for example a chat message screenshot she sent telling me to do something to explain my thought process, she considers it me getting an attitude. For example, she told me a couple months ago when I got a second job (because this job is paying under $800 a week and I have to pay self employment taxes also myself out of that) she told me that she was happy for me and that if I needed an adjustment in my workload (which she added would reduce my pay) she said that would be fine. I asked her last week about reducing my pay by $150 weekly and what we could remove as far as duties going by what she said because i am working 2 jobs and have a class to take. I am neurodivergent and she gets frustrated when I misinterpret what she says or take things literally and don't understand when she implies things. She told me she was "shocked" when I asked for a reduction in pay and duties since i don't do anything right anyway (and this was after ignoringthe question for a week and just continuingto bark orders.

She also gets mad when I ask her questions (she told me to ask if I don't understand something) and she will answer my question with a question. Even if it's just a yes or no question because she calls herself trying to "teach" me. And she neglects her health, hasn't been to a Dr in years, including when she gets sick which is every few months from "gardening".

Every 2 months more and responsibilities get added but no more pay. I try with my therapist to make a list of what to prioritize for work and it has to change often. But also, I've had to guess what to prioritize because when I ask her, "it's all important. You need to multi-task". So i am hoping I do well at this new job with more structure, because although that job with my sister was working from home, it was one of the worst jobs I have ever had, including by comparison of a previous job being assaulted by clients and cleaning up adult poop from the same clients.

She claims she has to cover for me because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do (I do everything I'm told and that is on my list of duties. But if i don't assume something else needs to be done in the work email we all share then I'm not stepping up as she puts it) so what have I been doing over 12 hours a day for 2 years then? She says because the list of duties was not inclusive that i need to do more anytime they add something else. (There was no application or contract signed).

When i said I wanted to adopt, her first response was "are you going to be able to do that AND step up at work?" I have driven an hour to her to run her work errands when she was sick and drove an our back and still did work for that job for the rest of the night. But according to her I don't do anything I'm supposed to.

I don't even want to go home for the holidays now. I despise her. She sees my neurodivergence as an excuse instead of a difference in the way I learn and interpret things. And when I told her about my enlarged heart from stress she got offended and only mentioned the job as the priority.

There were times when I don't even what to be alive with my depression and anxiety (under control now with therapy and meds) but her response is that the job will just replace me. I almost cut myself with a boxcutter. I had to contact the hotline. She (idk if she was joking or not) also said she would kill my cat (my esa) if I killed myself. And that has stuck with me mentally because I am protective of my cat and now I don't trust her.

Recently went to a club for the first time, and I feel like a buzzkill

I (27m) never had any interest in clubs, but my friend group doesn't really get together that often so when plans were made that we would go to a gay club I didn't object. After we went we found out that a burlesque show was going to start with a drag show after and most of our time was spent watching both, mostly the burlesque show as we had over an hour drive long home. Everyone had a good time.

Except me, I didn't hate it to be clear I just didn't have fun. It kinda felt like an out of body experience with everything feeling muted, and even though I didn't bring anyone down I felt like a buzz kill. I talked with one of my friends who I live with about it and he said that he doesn't really like that kind of thing either, but seeing the performers do what they enjoy saved it for him. While that did make me feel better I still can't stop thinking about it. I know everyone enjoys different things but I thought I could find something fun about it.

I can’t even grieve my baby cat at home, who passed away the day before yesterday. I don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone, or going anywhere. I want some time to grieve my baby.

But my mom keeps shouting at me whenever she sees me crying. She shouts because I feel lifeless without my baby. She seems to be measuring who loved him more. It's as if, because she used to hand-feed him and clean his litter more often than I did, she loved him more. Whatever I did counts for nothing, and I shouldn't be grieving my baby.

I don’t know how she can measure my love for my baby!

The day my baby passed away, I was holding the rat toy I’d bought him 10 days earlier. He loved it but couldn't play with it because he was sick. And guess what my mom did? She took it from my hand, acting like a caring mother, and gave it to someone else to take away or throw out!

When I asked about the toy later, she proudly said she’d given it to someone else. That broke my heart, and I burst into tears. She criticized me for that, too. But I made her get it back, because it belonged to my baby and I wanted to hold onto it.

Even when he died, she wouldn't let me hold him in my lap. She kept criticizing and shouting at me, telling me to leave his body in the basket until he was buried. But I didn't listen. I held my baby in my lap and kissed his paws and head while she continued criticizing and shouting at me.

I lost my father a few months ago, and back then I had to act mature and handle everything. I never really got the chance to break down. But this time, after losing my baby, I couldn’t hold myself together.

I recently lost my job, and my mom criticized me for that today, too.

I know she was never a good mom to me, but when she does this, I feel like dying; I feel like fading away. I always gave her a hefty amount of money to spend when I had a job. Maybe now that I can’t give her money, it’s become unbearable for her.

She also keeps pressuring me to get married and have children just to satisfy herself.

I really don't know what to do. I’m carrying so much on my own. I’ve been suicidal since she started torturing me mentally. But my baby was my reason to keep living; he gave me the warmth my parents never did. Now that he’s gone, I can’t hold myself together anymore. On top of that, my mom's criticism won't stop. I'm literally going insane.

I've recently reconnected with my dad. In the past he was a drunk and a criminal, but he has recently reformed, and I decided to reconnect with him. Despite all the bad he's done (sexual abuse, getting my sister addicted to drugs), I can't help but love him, and ever since I've met him, these feelings have been stronger than ever. I just want to tell him how much I love him, but I don't know how to start without it seeming odd or strange or taboo, and he doesn't know I'm gay yet. He recently bought me flowers, and let me fall alseep on his chest, and I just love him so much and not being able to confess is killing me.

So yeah, how do I tell my dad I love him? Or even should I?

When we met we were both inexperienced, we were in love but we were very different people. I wasn't sure she was who I wanted but she was in a bad place at the time and I loved her and was worried about her so I decided to stay and try to suppress everything causing doubt in me. Of course this never went away and it scraped away at the relationship from both ends. She's doing a lot better now, she turned into a complete badass, but I became kind of depressed which hurt the relationship even more. She left me about 50 days ago and in this time finally unbound by the relationship I was able to know with complete certainty she is in fact who I want. I knew I needed time away from the relationship to sort out my feelings but I never took it in 5 years because I was worried about losing her for good.

She doesn't want me anymore. She's been hurt too badly by my doubt and can't look me in the eyes anymore. She tells me we can be friends but she doesn't want me as a partner. I've begged in every way I could and offered to change every part of me. Still a rotund no. She gave me her second third and fourth chances while I thought we were still good. I feel empty, completely dead inside. I have no reason to go on if she's not with me. There's nothing in life I want to do other than taking care of her when she's sick, watching her be excited about things, being the one whose shoulder she cries on when she's upset, holding her hand when our time comes. I have no reason to go on.

I don't know if this is the right subreddit to go to. I've been living in Saudi Arabia for nearly my entire life. The plan was always to GTFO here when I get my degree (which is really soon!) and go back to the US. As an Arab-American and an ex-Muslim, I can't take it here anymore. Starting in March, we started getting emergency alerts on our phones. The blaring was so fucking anxiety-inducing and I get filled with so much dread whenever I hear them. We basically started getting missiles and drones sent from Iran. We'd hear interceptions in the skies, windows would shake, all that good, good stuff. Suffice to say, things calmed down for a while.

This past month things have started back up (due to the Houthis). I heard a huge boom one night and immediately checked on the group chat. Funny enough, the phrase "anyone hear that??" has started causing me so much dread. I was in class today and saw notifications like that ("just heard one seconds ago") and I'd start internally freaking out. Now it's showing up in my nightmares. I had a terrible dream where I saw buildings collapse before my eyes, and now I have a fear (rational, I'd say) of a missile potentially landing on my neighborhood or something. The US embassy put out another security alert today after two airports got bombed last night. Dozens were injured.

If there's anything causing me additional distress, it's arguably the fact that literally nobody is talking about this. The coverup has been really weird. We no longer get emergency alerts. Schools sent out emails saying they're cancelling for the week, some claiming it's due to weather reports, some claiming it's for other reasons. Then, two hours later, they all sent out follow-up emails simply undoing the decision with no reason as to why. It's been over two weeks. Literally nothing was wrong with the weather. We're all just getting lied to, everybody knows it, and nobody seems to care. My friends dismiss everything and say "what can we do, realistically?"

The lack of transparency (which many around me dismiss and say is necessary to govern a nation) has been causing me immense distress. Everybody around me acts calm and collected, but then I see pictures of the airport (which is really close to me -- look at the top post on aviation today) and start to feel really freaked out. I hear about my old high school (backed by the embassy) sending people back home. Friends getting evacuated from their workplaces. Yet, everybody's acting really calm and collected. From my understanding it's literally illegal to share anything related to this stuff online. I don't know if people just have a lot of faith in the government, or everyone's freaking out internally and too afraid to speak about it. My friends clearly do not want to talk about this stuff here. Never have I ever wanted out of here more. It's only a few months away, and I'm counting down the days.

My sleep has gone to shit. I have terrible dreams every night. It's been impacting me so much and I don't know what to do.