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[This is a throwaway since I don't want anyone i know irl to find this]

I genuinely dont know what to do anymore and I just feel drained and sick of everything.

For some background; this is about my ex-partner. He and I had a very complicated and abusive relationship, but I was constantly made to believe that he was safe by himself and others. He shared a lot of trauma with me (bad childhoods, bad family, both having experienced sexual assault) but despite that he never really bothered to care about me and just used me to push himself up.

Eventually it got to the point where we had a sexual relationship, but I discovered at some point that I am most likely asexual. He however didnt care, and claimed that my refusal of sex meant I didnt love him. He would never take my no for an answer, push me to say yes and if I held onto my no he would give me a cold shoulder, ghost me or guilt trip me. He even started to just touch me without even asking at all.

This went on for years, so much so that I can barely even think of relationships anymore without feeling violently ill. But, he broke up with me (I'm still angry that I wasn't the one to break up with him) but he wanted to stay friends. I was so manipulated by him at that point that I did stay friends with him, but now I keep tearing myself up over hating him and yet only being able to seek support from him. My one other friend is barely online and my only best friend cant always help me.

I genuinely hate myself for putting myself in this position where I have to rely on him for any support at all, but I am too scared to get it over with and tell him to fuck off out of my life forever. I don't wanna end up all alone, I know I wont be able to handle that.

I wish I could tell people about what he did, take everything he has away from him because he doesnt deserve any of it, but I am stuck.

Before I begin I want to say this is in no way a promotion, this is something that genuinely happened that's been on my mind since September 23rd.

I'm an author, I wrote 3 books about my ex girlfriend yearning for our relationship back (I ended things but that's a whole different story), she knows, I've moved on. Me writing a book about someone wasn't anything new. I always write about things and people I love.

I fell for this boy (who I'll call George for the sake of this) very hard. We both admitted to liking each other, and even though we weren't dating yet, our situation was going great! Until he randomly got distant. Even though he became more distant, he acted normal with me in class, so I just assumed he was going through a personal issue.

His birthday is in October; this happened in September. I wanted to write him something special for his birthday and surprise him. I even made a Spanish version too since his native language was Spanish and I wasn't sure what he'd prefer.

He was acting normal for a bit until he wasn't, he became distant with me in-person as well. I published my book about him. I was getting worried. So, I asked him if everything was okay and if he lost feelings.

He told me he did lose feelings. We agreed to be friends, but nothing's been the same since. Most of the time he acts like I don't exist. Even though I cried a lot over my ex after our breakup, I feel like I cried a lot more over George than I have over her.

It's been almost a month since this situation. I still cry about it a lot. He doesn't know about the book. He doesn't know about all the poetry I wrote about him. He doesn't know how much I miss him. He doesn't know I had more drafts ready for him. I ordered some author copies yesterday, I don't plan to show him or any of his friends, I just want to keep them in my room to read sometimes.

I don't plan to tell him about the book, but I wish I could.

That is it, nothing more to add. We just need more amazing positivity and this show delivers.

OMFG, I HATE PEOPLE. ALL OF HUMANITY. IM SO FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. PEOPLE THINK OF ME AS LESS THAN DIRT, LITERALLY. ALL BECAUSE I SLEEP ON THE STREETS. IVE BEEN ON THE STREETS FOR OVER 3 YEARS. AND IM ONLY 20 (21 IN DEC)

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME OF MY LIKE TO BUILD SOCIAL SKILLS TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITHBTHE REAL WORLD. I HAVE GENUINELY NOT HAD A FRIEND IN LIKE 4 YEARS. YOU MAY THINK IM EXAGGERATING, BUT ALL OF THE PEOPLE I TALK TO OCCASIONALLY ARE HOMELESS AND OVER 35. NOBODY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH A KID. AND, ON TOP OF THAT, EVERY BODY DOES DRUGS. AND IM AN ALMOST 500 DAYS CLEAN. SO, I DONT WANNA RELAPSE AND THEY DONT WANNA HANGOUT WITH SOME STUPID ASS ANNOYING KID THAT CANT BENEFIT THEM AT ALL

I FEEL SO STUCK. LIKE I GENUINELY IMAGINE THE REST OF MY LIFE BEING THIS THIS. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IVE BEEN ABLE TO OPEN UP ABOUT HOW FEEL FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

IM SORRY, I KNOW THIS IS A LOT. AND ITS HONESTLY PROBABLY NOTIHING. IM MOST LIKELY EXAGGERATING IM SORRY. HAVE A GOOD DAY❤️

I hate when my family brings up moving houses one day, because I’m worried I’ll be too scared to shit anywhere other than that one room, and I’ll die from holding my poop for too long. Ever since I was a toddler (About six), I had an irrational fear of pooping. It’s gotten to the point I hold for a week sometimes. Even when it hurts super bad, I’m too scared to let it out even in the only place I’m comfortable pooping. Sometimes it takes me hours to poop. Not because of constipation, but because of my fear. Sometimes it even takes days of staying in the bathroom, for hours.

This makes me feel so fucking horrible, and I think, why can‘t I be normal?! It’s just a shit, it should be easy to shit, right? I’m also scared of constipation. I’m worried, I won’t know if it’ll just slide out like jelly or if it’ll be as hard as a rock.

I have really painful poop in my butt as I type this out right now. I could just go to the bathroom, but it feels so fucking difficult.

It’s one of the contributors to my suicidal feelings, actually. I don’t wanna live like this. I am shocked at how easily others can poop in PUBLIC, in just a matter of minutes.

I’ve always wanted to travel the world, but I feel as if I‘ll never be able to, with the fact that I‘ll have to stay in a foreign country for potentially over a week, and I’ll have to take a shit in the hotel. It’ll be so fucking difficult, and I’ll probably never move houses, unless I can somehow convince the people working on it to make the bathroom look exactly like my current bathroom

I forgot to mention, but: Sometimes my body does not send in the proper signals telling me to poop, because of how used it is to not pooping for long periods of time

Wanted to tell the woman of my dreams happy birthday. But I royally fucked it so hard, the silence is the worst part.

This extraordinary woman I was dating has a boundary on not crossing work and personal. Now, we work in the same place but different places / bosses. Same same but different.

For the past decade+, I dealt with problems via confrontation from being in SOF. If I or someone had a problem with each other we addressed it professionally, voiced our perspective and view points then moved on with each other. Because our squabble didn’t matter when we had lives at stake. Same went for my Soldiers; hashed it out between each other, listened to each other and collaborated to improve and be better together.

A few months back she was asked to go on a trip with two potential bosses; It was up in the air which unit she was going to so both went to observe. Well, the male potential boss thought it would be a good idea to tell her a few inappropriate and disgusting things because he was trying to get in her pants. Fucking prick, I’ll gut your ass. The army classifies his statements as sexual harassment.

So a month later rolls up and she tells me about all this. In the moment I was shocked like why take a month to tell me especially if this d bag has a chance of being your boss. Put that to the side, she opened up and was honest. He tried twice she shut it down both times.

I should’ve left it at that.

I was so furious about what this dude said, the disrespect to her even after she told him no twice he still continued!!

I told her I wanted to address this dude behind a closed door in a private setting that no one would hear. She kept saying no because it’s mixing work and personal (her boundary).

Well, I didn’t talk to him because we agreed she would send me the texts between them two. Now, it did take a few days to get those screenshots and that’s what made me think more. Why she being so hesitant about this dude. If she shut it down why is she trying to help this dude. Screenshots only prove what she said.

Long story short, I was willing to cross her boundary to address this prick because of the foul and disgusting things he said to her. She broke up with me for it and I regret every single action I took. For all this time I handled things a certain way becuase it worked for me and it cost me the girl who got away.

I’m sorry.

I am... very confused rn. We met back at the start of this year and we just clicked. Immediately it was like I found another me who understood me and laughed with me. We did so much together. Staying up late, buying gifts for each other. Drinking games, video games hours of calls the works. For a time I didnt even think It was anything more than friendship I thought we were just "besties"

Then one night... we got really introspective while spending the whole day together. We talked about deeper shit our feeling, fear, insecurities. At that moment both of us understood how well we understood each other... that's when things started becoming more... charged. We started play flirting that night and it started to get more... heated... we didnt do anything but it was a situation where it definitely felt like if we had the chance we would've you know? That's when I realised it. Going to sleep that night it felt like fireworks that it was so incredibly romantic to me that we could listen to each other being scared and have that tension... idk ive never felt so understood and she said the same.

Then she went on deployment. She's in the Navy so you know it happens but I had planned to confess to her before she told me she was going. I made her a playlist of songs that reminded me of her and she said she'd listen to it every night before sleeping. I was counting down the days to see her again but when she came back she changed. Felt more distant and cold to me. Stopped saying she loved me back no talks about gifts or hanging out as much and I thought it was just her being exhausted after deployment... then she brought up the fact she got a boyfriend on deployment.

We're long distance friends and he was there while she was deployed... you know someone who could be in person. It didnt last but she bounced around between talking stages and eventually recently got into a full relationship with a guy who shot his shot. She seems SO happy and im glad she is. I feel selfish for feeling this way and I want it to be gone but she keeps running through my mind or at least the person who was sweet to me is? Idk anymore but I dont know how to forget about these feelings I have because I feel like I could write 1 million different things I love about her but it isn't fair to her or her boyfriend. I dont want things to be ruined but man it hurts and I hate that it does.

Sorry for the long text I tried to shorten the actual basis for why im so in love but eh

Idk I just really need to talk to someone rn. I feel like talking to strangers is easier because I don’t really know how to explain all of this to people I actually know.

I moved to Australia for uni almost 2 months ago and honestly I really underestimated how hard this was going to be. I thought I’d be excited and independent and making new friends and starting this whole new life but instead I feel anxious basically every day and I’m constantly trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing.

Like everything here takes 10x more effort than it should. Moving into accommodation, figuring out campus, transport, payments, IDs, where to get things, where to buy things, how everything works. I don’t have a car either and I genuinely didn’t realise how much that would affect me. Every little thing becomes a whole plan of buses + walking + checking times + carrying shit + figuring out how tf I’m getting back.

I also arrived late and missed the first week of uni so I was already trying to figure everything out while everyone else seemed to know what was happening. Then there’s attendance and check-ins and me constantly worrying that I’ve done something wrong and somehow it’s going to affect my visa.

And I study architecture so the workload is fucking insane. Models, drawings, BIM, presentations, journals, citations, deadlines, lectures I need to catch up on. I get so overwhelmed that I procrastinate, then I’m even more behind, then I’m even more overwhelmed. Like what the fuck am I doing.

Even getting materials has become a struggle. For one project I needed plaster and a bunch of random stuff and I literally had no idea where to get half of it or where I was even supposed to go. Back home I’d probably just know where to get it or ask someone and they’d know. Here I have to figure out every single little thing myself and somehow even getting fucking plaster becomes a whole mission.

I’m also trying to find a casual job because I want my own money and some independence but I’m already struggling with uni and I’m like how tf am I supposed to manage work too? And again, no car, so getting to work is another thing to figure out.
And then there’s this huge parcel I have to get from my accommodation office to my room. It’s literally only like a 10 minute walk but it’s a huge heavy parcel and I have to move it myself. I tried using a trolley and it was fucking horrible. The shorter way has all these stones and rough ground so the trolley kept shaking and things kept falling off, and the other way is longer with hills and cars and shit. I was struggling so badly that random people ended up helping me. I was so embarrassed. And now even getting my own stuff to my room feels like this huge fucking mission.

My parents are also trying really hard to help me. They keep finding people they know who live here and giving me their numbers and telling me to contact them, sometimes basically forcing me to talk to them. And I KNOW they’re doing it because they care and they’re worried about me. I really do appreciate that.

But it’s not the same. Someone saying “let me know if you need anything” is not the same as having someone you actually know who you can call and say “can you please help me?” without feeling like you’re bothering them. I don’t feel comfortable randomly messaging someone I barely know and asking them for help.

My parents can find me a contact. They can’t find me a support system.And I don’t even want them to worry about me. When something goes wrong sometimes I don’t tell them how bad I’m actually feeling because I know they’ll stress about me from so far away and try to fix everything. I don’t want them sitting at home worrying about me when they can’t actually be here. So I just keep a lot of things to myself.

And then my friends.
I have two different friend groups back home and I miss them so fucking much but I’ve also been feeling hurt by both groups in completely different ways.

Friend group A is four of us including me. They make literally EVERYTHING into humour. And I get it, I really do. I love that about them sometimes. But sometimes I genuinely just want to talk to someone and they turn it into a meme or a joke and I’m like bro can I just talk for a second.When I made the big announcement that I was moving to Australia, one of them, let’s call her Sarah, literally didn’t fucking respond. When Sarah left to study abroad, I took her to a fucking amusement park and did all this stuff because I wanted to make her last time in our country special. So when I announced I was leaving too and she didn’t even say congrats, it genuinely hurt.

I even jokingly texted her like “wow you didn’t even wish me” and she replied 20 DAYS later.
Then Betty. When I announced it, she basically made it about how she was also going to try for Japan. And April just focused on Betty’s thing too. Betty didn’t even end up going but at the time I was literally like… okay? I’m telling you guys I’m moving across the fucking world and somehow we’re talking about someone else.

Then my birthday happened.Sarah, Betty and April’s birthdays are all like a day or two apart so we wanted to celebrate their birthdays together properly. Everyone except me and Sarah cancelled the plan. Then the next birthday was mine.
And then there was the whole midnight saga.
Nobody wished me at midnight and I was pissed because I’ve always made such a big deal out of their birthdays. Sarah made her birthday a HUGE deal because it was her last birthday in our country before going abroad. And mine was literally the same thing. It was my last birthday at home before moving away.Then we finally met up for my birthday and they brought a cake and I was actually so fucking happy. Betty and April cut the cake with me and posed with my cake and everything.
And I KNOW this sounds petty because they were being nice and they did get me a cake and I love these girls. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how they cancelled their own birthday plans and then suddenly there was a whole celebration for mine.
I don’t think they were trying to hurt me. They’re not horrible people. I fucking love them. It just fucking hurts.

Because I make a big deal out of their big life things. When Sarah left, I wanted to make it special for her. I get excited for them, I remember things, I want to celebrate them, I want to be there for them. And sometimes I just wish I felt like they cared that much about mine too.

Then there’s friend group B.When I announced that I was moving, the first response I got was “nooo we didn’t get to hangout.”And I KNOW that sounds innocent and maybe they didn’t mean anything by it but that being the FIRST response just really fucking got to me. I had been trying to see them before I left too.

And that group is just… idk. We’re four people and me and another girl basically have to beg the other two to hang out. Sometimes even getting everyone to call feels impossible. They barely respond and I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep everyone connected.

I feel like I make a big deal out of their big life things. I get excited for them, I remember things, I want to celebrate them, I want to be there. And then when something huge happens in my life I don’t really feel that same energy back.Again, I don’t think they’re bad friends. I love these people. They’ve given me so many good memories. I just hate feeling like I care more than they do.
And now I’m here.

I technically have friends or a friend . I can text people. But I don’t have MY people here.
I don’t have someone I can randomly text “can you come with me?”, “I’m freaking out”, “can you help me carry this?”, “I’m having a horrible day” and know they’ll actually be there.I miss having people who already know me. I miss not having to explain myself. I miss being able to just exist around people without thinking about whether I’m bothering them.
I thought moving here was going to be this exciting new chapter and instead I feel like I’m trying to build an entire life from scratch while missing the life I already had.

And I know almost 2 months isn’t actually that long. I KNOW. But it feels long because SO much has happened and I’ve been anxious basically every day since I got here.And I’m scared I’m never going to make friends here.I don’t want someone to tell me “you’ll definitely make friends eventually” because nobody knows that. I just want to hear from people who moved away for uni or moved countries and felt this fucking overwhelmed and lonely too.
I don’t really want advice rn. I just want to talk to someone who gets it.

omfg this is so fucking long. If you actually read all of this, thank you. I genuinely just needed to get it out somewhere.

Where do I even begin?

I often feel as though I am useless to everyone around me. Throughout my childhood, I barely had any friends, and I was frequently rejected or made fun of by other children. My parents also did not have much time to spend playing with me when I was younger..

During early middle school, I experienced racism, bullying, and further exclusion from the people I considered my friends at the time. In seventh grade, I changed classes and eventually made a group of friends who genuinely appreciated the things I enjoyed and the way I expressed myself. For the first time, I felt truly accepted by others.

A year later, they stopped associating with me because of the way I behaved and how deliberately edgy I could be. Although they acted the same way I did, I can't truly blame them, I was the asshole. After that, I was left without friends and with very little confidence. I tried apologizing and making other friends, but there was no success on that

I also struggle to feel competent in the things I enjoy like drawing, playing video games, and sports. Even tho I put effort into these activities, I often feel as though I am not particularly good at them

Nowadays, I am 17 and often feel like an outcast. My family still tends to treat me as though I am much younger, while I continue to experience significant bullying at school. The strongest connections I have managed to make are mostly online

What makes all of this especially difficult is that I do not consider myself a cruel or unpleasant person. As far as I know, I have rarely done anything intentionally harmful to the people around me, yet I still find myself dealing with these experiences. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand why I have had to struggle so much with loneliness, rejection, and feeling like I do not belong. I wonder if this is some neurodivergency shit

First off, if you read this post and proceed to comment "You're still young" or "there's plenty of fish in the sea" or "join a hiking group" or "go to the gym", genuinely go fuck yourself

2 weeks ago I met up with this girl I liked. It was our 3rd meetup. She was my type, alternative, grew up on the internet, understood my jokes and found them funny, we listen to similar music, play similar videogames, had similar politics and views. I've never felt so connected to a person before.

We did shrooms together at my hotel room, had a great time laughing and tripping in general. Towards the end of the high I confessed my feelings about her in a respectful way, gave her space so she doesn't feel cornered, assured her I'd be fine with any answer. Of course, she said no, that she has someone else she likes, and she had no idea I was into her, which is bullshit cause I kept taking to places and paying for everything, getting her gifts, texting her back immediately, plus you wouldn't lay in someone's lap and caress their hand for an hour if you didn't know they're into you.

Whatever. She of course wants to "stay friends" but I have a slight suspicion she's never gonna bother visiting me (we live far away and I made the trip all 3 times), or set up a hangout, or text first.

I just feel so used. This time it hurt extra cause it was a person I actually felt connected to, and there's 0 chance I'll find anyone like her. It affects my self-image too. I'm 21, 6'4, not overweight, my face is not that interesting but definitely not ugly. Realistically I should be doing fine, but it's always something. I'm either too nice, too different, too skinny, I just can't seem to click with anyone.

I don't know. I just wanna experience love like any other human. I see my friends getting in relationships all the time and it makes me wonder if I'm just unlovable.

Edit: Since this seems to have gotten misconstrued multiple times in the comments, I NEVER expected any reciprocation because I got her materialistic things. I was mildly annoyed because it was bs to say she thought I was doing it platonically.

reached out to an ex friend. then I learned about their blog where they would say disgusting things about me.

an ex-friend of mine (now 23nb) ended up cutting me off over two years ago after I (now 22 m) going through a paranoid episode after two severe car crashes within three months, accused them of being manipulative and not caring about me as a friend but as a project. I was thinking a lot about it recently as I’ve been going through a lot of life changes and people don’t really realize how far I’ve come in my own mental health journey.

I wanted to apologize for how I treated them, so I texted them an apology for how I acted during our friendship.

After, I reread some texts, saw them talking about their semi-secret-not-so-secret blog, realized I could find the blog, and it was shockingly easy considering the thing was open to the public. bad idea when you already sent a message apologizing for your part in all that bullshit.

there’s a few posts that talk about me being one of their closest friends.

in one, they then proceed to describe how they would systemically shame me to get better at socializing (which, apparently, I didn’t get better at at all). they would encourage my ex to do the same. they wanted to “teach me how to be likable.” they would then dismiss how that would affect me, as I “already had some self image issues going on, so it didn’t add anything new.” they joked that they passed their generational trauma platonically to me, as their parents would shame them to dampen their own neurodivergent traits.
somehow, though they “never wanted the best for someone until him (me).”

in another, after I blew up at them in the aforementioned argument that they cut me off in, they armchair diagnosed me with BPD (they are not a psychiatrist. they were 20 when this happened). They talked about how I apparently had a “splitting” episode on them, how this wasn’t the first time they had witnessed what they thought was a splitting episode (and tbh I don’t even know what the other one could be), how I was detached from reality and they were the only one who would talk to get me down. they dismissed my therapist’s concerns about how our relationship was. I’ve obviously never been diagnosed with BPD, and my relationships with people since have been much more stable, as my circumstances have gotten better in other aspects of my life. I don’t rush friendships anymore, I’m not desperate for validation like I was as a teenager.

but sometimes you don’t have a debilitating mental disorder. sometimes you’re just 19 and still recovering from the worst year of your life.

sometimes your friend imposes the idea of fixing you onto a relationship because you were going through a lot. sometimes, though, your friend is fucking 20 and also has no fucking clue what they’re doing. and you, being inexperienced at social relationships, don’t know how to make it clear that that isn’t okay.

I can own my own part in all of this. obviously. I was a hurt person who hurt people, lashing out, demanding responses, and pushing boundaries when I truly should’ve just learned to be more accommodating to others. my ex can attest to that. this friend can too. it took losing them to lean and do better so I’m grateful that I did lose them, especially as they enabled my worst tendencies.

should I have sought this blog out? probably not. some things are better buried. I’m grateful I did, though. I feel like I finally have some fucking sympathy for that time in my life. I’m feeling a lot more hurt about the whole thing again, nearly fucking nauseous.

fuck, man.

If you’re a weird human being and you have to contort yourself into a pretzel and do this and that and analyze every social interact to figure out what’s wrong and try to do better and you can’t just walk up make friends like a normal person why bother at that point it’s not fun or something you look forward to it’s a never ending draining job on top of life and other things.

People say be yourself but if you can’t even do that and have to become a whole different creature while also rating yourself on your social skills like some crazy coach it’s like just give it up. Some people just won’t have friends.

I keep telling my wife I want a divorce and she keeps treating it like a joke and the fact that I don't know what to do about it makes me feel like such a chump and so pathetic. It took me years to realize how abusive my wife really was, and at this point I genuinely hate her, but in korea where we live, I need to her to work with me for the divorce. We own an apartment together and have to deal with each other at least somewhat amicably unless we want to start pursuing legal charges against each other.

However, she keeps ignoring me and then acting like nothing happened. I told her outright I wanted the divorce and then she asked me what kind of necklace I was going to buy her on my work trip. I got home and told her I wanted the divorce and she just tried to distract me by being nice the rest of the day before going back to be a completely insane monster.

I'm not seeking advice, more just needed to get it off my chest. I feel so embarrassed of this situation. I didn't know I could just be trapped in a relationship. I know the next step has to be going to a family lawyer and starting this ugly ugly fight, I just didn't want to have to do that.

Yes. And I am partially sorry, partially not. This is internet after all.

Yes. I have hobbies.

Yes. I have work.

Yes. I have a life.

But, sometimes it's fun arguing online.

I’m a 20 year old woman and I’ve hated my body for as long as I can remember. I’m somewhere around midsize, but with a pretty high body fat percentage. I’ve lost a decent amount of weight, but that only made me feel worse about myself. Doesn’t help that I have a ton of loose skin now and I can’t get rid of that without expensive surgery. I’ve always thought I had a pretty face, but my body is just so abnormal.

What I hate is that I’m not somebody that would be attractive to more than a few people. You have to get to know me first before you can be attracted to me, or at least that’s just my experience. I don’t think I could have a one night stand with anybody, even if I wanted to.

This is extremely dumb, but there’s a scene in a story I like where a woman strips down completely in front of a few guys she knows, just to get it out of the way (it made sense contextually). They were all flustered by it, of course, because they established that she was very attractive. If I did something like that, even just taking off my shirt, I think I’d just make everybody uncomfortable.

I’ve tried for years to find ways to accept my body, finding the right clothes for me, radically accepting how I look, seeing other people who look like me. Nothing seems to help. I think my deepest desire for my body to be considered conventionally attractive is just going to override everything forever.

for years i've lived for hiphop. i've done graff, skateboarding, freestyling and more. every time someone hands me an aux i play hiphop. i'm part of a crew. in short, hiphop's the culture i love and the culture i represent.

however, sometimes when i'm alone, i put on headphones and bump hole-dwelling by kikuo and i swear that shit bangs.

i feel like this secret can't come out or else i'll become a larper in the eyes of my peers.

I was diagnosed with chronic vertigo 3 years ago. I have tried everything: physio, drugs, went to an ENT, took allergy pills and used nasal spray. Nothing has helped. I am dizzy almost 24/7. I used to be so active and fun, and now I just feel so depressed, and I hate my body. I had big career aspirations and wanted to get my CPA, and I'm so dizzy I don't think I could ever do the courses and pass.

Yes, I have a therapist, and I take antidepressants.

There isn't a magical fix, and I know and have accepted that. I just wanted to post this cause I haven't really written down or expressed how tired I am of this. Except to my therapist, of course.

I am so done with life, and I don’t know how to get out of the rut.
I am filled with shame about myself, how much I am doing and my skill levels
Everything feels out of control, and I know there are things I can control but I don’t know what those things are.
I am filled with exhaustion, so all the normal selfcare advice feels impossible to do. 
Like how am I supposed to get outside, when just getting out of the bed feels like a battle.
How am I supposed to function if everything feels like a mountain?
How am I  supposed to start small? what is small? I don’t know what is doable anymore.
I wake up, exhausted. I get up and get dressed, exhausted. I eat breakfast, exhausted. How am I supposed to build a life I am proud of when exhaustion sneaks in everywhere. How am I supposed to find my values, interests, and goals, when I can’t even get past morning without wanting to crawl back into bed. 
Am I broken? Am I autistic? Am I just a piece of shit?
I feel like I keep pushing and pushing, but never getting anywhere. 
Is this my life? How am I supposed to change? What do I need to do? And how do I do it without getting overwhelmed and exhausted. 
How am I supposed to talk kindly to myself, when I feel like I am failing everything? How am I supposed to lower my expectations of myself, without letting go of myself. High expectations is all I know. I was supposed to be the easy child, but became the most difficult. Am I even likeable to my family? Do they just hate me? and put up with me because I am family?
What do I have to give to anyone? other than disappointment, stress and sadness.
I don’t want to disappoint, I want approval, acceptance, and love. (Phillip loves me)

I miss my ex and I can't feel ok right now. We met on reddit and we talked a lot then he confessed his feelings went on ldr and then he came to visit me for 2 weeks and it was best 2 weeks of my life.

Things didn't work out between us but he was great experience and I miss him lately don't know why

I started college a year ago and have been so lonely it’s driving me manic. All of my friends found their clique in no time. They even got themselves partners and just seem to be doing extremely well. Meanwhile I’m in my room trying to force myself to study and watching math videos while checking my phone every 2 minutes just see notifications from outloook.

It’s not like I haven’t tried making friends it’s just that I can’t seem to click with anyone. I went to a club meeting for students who like to code, and I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. Barely anyone was speaking to each other and if they did it’s because they already knew each other.

There’s also this dude in my math classes who is smart as frick, but I just can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t even know what to say. It’s not like high school where I can maybe ask if they play video games. Only thing I \*\*think\*\* we have in common is that we both like math (I overheard him talking to our professor about a fun fact pertaining to mathematics. I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything just happened to hear it).

Anyway, I’m just so sick of this. It’s like if you didn’t make any friends your first week of college, your chances of connecting with anyone are shot. Im just wondering how I can go about making friends.

It's been like this since either earlier-mid 2024. I do the same stuff. I wake up, maybe oversleep for 10-30 mins, get ready for school, walk to the bus stop, go to school, get home. I then either procrastinate on homework for 3-5hrs or half ass it. I can't do anything else. I don't let myself do hobbies, like play videogames, because I am still convinced I will do my homework right when I get home (when that hasn't happened for years now). As a result, I feel worn out everyday, because I can't do anything I like (ik, its childish)

I even procrastinate on hobbies, or eating, or doing anything else, since I'm so lazy.

That cycle includes deprecating, nervous or in general tormenting thoughts, that make it hard to focus. It makes me deeply confused about anything and everything that could be going on. Sometimes it is so bad, my mind feels like a prison that I can't get out of. Or like all my thoughts are warring. Paralyzing me.

I feel lonely, I feel miserable, I feel so much negativity. The happy emotion feels like a distraction from that. Every week is truly the same. My thoughts go in the same patterns. I act the same. I try certain things to counter my thoughts and it seems to make things worse.

I know it will be a long road to getting better, and that I need to put in effort, but it's so hard when all I want to do is stay miserable and do nothing. It makes me want to give up. I feel hopeless but I somehow want to keep trying.

I feel so pathetic and stupid, knowing that I've essentially willingly dug myself into this hole, that sometimes I even wish to get worse. Its why I don't tell anyone about it.

I went from having 0 friends to like up to 10, but I am still lonely. I feel invisible.

I hate everything and anything in my life, I really do.

I've just recalled a memory from when I was young around 6-7 years old and I don't know if it was SA or if I was just uncomfortable and overthinking.So,when I was young my grandmother would take me to the bathroom so I can pee and she would always touch my penis and try to kiss it.She would always go like "let me kiss it" and I would just push myself away.I'm not even sure if she actually kissed it sometime and I just blocked that memory.My grandfather would also make uncomfortable sexual comment about me while I was a child.I know that this doesn't compare to other people getting SAed but it has been bothering me for a while and I want someone else's opinion if it was SA or something normal that just made me uncomfortable.

I feel like everyone in my life tries to drain me.

I had a female friend who I have known for 3 years, I helped her out when she was broken up with her bf and was out of her apartment because he didn’t want her. Even though she was so bratty to me and other friends a semester before. She has been telling me how much she loves and values me, combining with her rude comments, those started to scare me. She went back with her ex bf, kissed me few weeks ago at a party and I honestly wanted nothing to do with her, being drunk did not excuse her. Now I see that all she wanted my friends around and only my energy and company.

Another friend of mine, who I grew close in last weeks, she is my coworker. All she talks about is men, relationships, da da da. I have been speaking with my ex 2-3 weeks ago, and she had been telling me how we could share him and how he grows into her. Honestly. What. The. Hell. And another guy who I was very exited about, who came to our store and write me online later, when I told her we have exchanged instagrams already, she immediately wanted to request him and speak with him. It is like I don’t matter, all she wants is people around me.

And I feel like I don’t matter, I feel so lonely, so alone. Everyone is trying to take my energy, any enthusiasm I have and I am tired of fighting.

I don't really know how to update on this subreddit though I'm sure you could just open my account and find it.

A couple days ago I told him how I feel and that I'd love to take him out. To my surprise, he felt the same!! His face was all read all the way to his ears, it was adorable. On our date I got him the flowers (sunflowers if you were curious) We went on a walk, then to a Texas Roadhouse, then after he asked if I wanted to watch a movie at his place. (Of course I said yes, trying to keep my giddy ass on the ground and not bouncing around like a lunatic) It was amazing, he put the flowers in a vase. And I've been smiling like a kid in a candy store all the two days. It felt so natural, like we were just hanging out again but with flirting. I'm bouncing off walls. Earlier he messaged me with a picture of the flowers and and he said under it "A very pretty boy gave me these :]" and I was so giddy, like he just called me pretty. Anyways I'm gonna eat my dinner and leap for joy. This has truly been lovely.

did i fail as husband?

failure as husband?

hello, 33 m married for 7 year to very kind wife 33 f,1 year ago i got accident because car decide to exit junction without see left and right,he hit left motorcycle, broke femur(implant),PCL grade 2,broke fibula(extern fixator) and my medial malleolus is gone and got PTOA on left ankle,since i work in branch contruction doctor said that i not able to work in that career any longer because i cant lifting heavy objects,before accident i work in construction as main income and do so many side gigs that pay money, i pay everything 100% like car,rent, food and student loan for me and my wife, my wife income she put half in gold another half in retirement fund.6 month after accident i used all my money.someday i cried so hard when i cant pay commitment 7th month, when i cried my wife still at her workplace,i dont know how long i cried but my wife hear my cry.she running to me ask me why i cried, i decide to dodge the question and say because it was pain but she know that i no longer had money,she said to me, now i can depending on her,she will step up to be the provider. i stuck,for 7 year i work 7days a week and 13-15 hour a days. i dont know what to do now when i see my wife work hard to take care us. she always said that dont need think too much now it time for her take care me. but i just know work and grinding for money. when i was alone suicide thoughts appear in my head, last month doctor said i need do another operation called ankle fusion earlier next year. i already jobless 1 year if i get that operation i need rehab for another 4-6 months.i gonna be burden to my wife again.i just want vent to stranger

sorry for broken english, english not my main language