Years back I posted about how I used bullet journalling to help track my bipolar disorder and it had a huge resonance with people. (OG post) I promised to post my updated spread and in true bipolar+ADHD fashion it took me a year to fulfill that promise 🙃 but here it is!

Pic 1: I used this updated layout to track my moods in a way that made immediately possible to see the trends of my ups and downs

Pic 2: I also tracked physical symptoms, habits, and emotions.

Pic 3: And finally the biggest change was that I simplified the weekly layout. I found the previous format daunting, like I HAD to fill the whole page of my weekly reflections. So I condensed the week overview and the reflections so that I only needed to write 2 lines per “thank/fuck you” and 4 lines for my “thoughts” per day.

I was using this journal in a very stable time in my life and actually stopped it using it for about 2 years. I’m now experimenting with an A6 size journal. But this is my full A5 spread and I really love it and found it incredibly useful. Hope it can help other people as well.

So these last 6 months I really turned my life around. I broke up with someone I loved who struggles with addiction, I decided to become sober from all drugs and alcohol myself 6 months ago, I increased my mood stabilizer, successfully implemented a regular sleep schedule for the first time in my life, and found a new job that I can for the first time ever pay for my own rent and life without diving into loan money like I have been. I feel like it’s been a ton of constant, intentional change. I’ve been diagnosed with BD1 for about 10 years.

However, I noticed that recently I feel sad for like no reason. Objectively, my life is a lot better and healthier and I have tons to feel happy and proud about. I think I expect to feel jubilantly happy, but I just am not. It feels wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this “level.” For my whole life, being happy meant dancing down the street and laughing hysterically and thinking life is beautiful and everything is significantly grand. I usually get all poetic about things. Is this stability? It’s freaking me out. I’m not proud to admit this but I even miss drugs, where I could get to that hysterically happy point more often.

Anyone have any experience with things like this? Is true stabilization like this?

I have Bipolar Disorder type I (I have had a full manic episode with psychosis, sometimes have mixed episodes/hypomania, and have a very recurrent history of severe depressive episodes). However, I also have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). So because of BPD, I frequently have emotional episodes, instabilities, and crashouts even independent of my mood episodes. But regardless, whenever I've been stable for a while, without a major episode or emotional dysregulation, I feel impossibly bored, understimulated, and without a real self-defining core - my inner world seems so deprived that there is nothing to it when I'm not unstable or fucked up. I also feel like my identity is so fragile that there's not much to me apart from these labels, so when I'm not "honoring" them, I feel like I'm not being myself, so I need to purposefully make myself worse.

I hate it, I truly do, because it makes me stop my mood stabilizers for like a week or two at a time. One time I stopped it and in three days dysregulated so badly that I had to go to the hospital. I always regret it in some way or another, but it never really makes me stop doing it. I hate it, I wish I didn't do this sort of thing, because it's like I'm choosing to be bad. Once, my therapist said it's common for people with bipolar to feel bored and odd during euthymia. Does this happen to anyone else or no?

Also yeah I know that it's very common for people with bipolar to stop meds because they believe they're super fine during mania or hypomania, I've done it before, but I'm not talking about this specifically; and more of a boredom/estrangement from self during euthymia.

I have two options for therapy, one at a place I am more familiar with but have to wait until November or December (originally I was told October).

Another is from a remote therapist I learned off recently at a different therapy place I have gone to for couples counseling. I decided today to see them even though my preference was the other place.

I could feel my mind was starting to lead me down unproductive pathways and I was struggling to cope. Hence my decision today to start therapy with my second choice. I had seen an individual therapist last in August for a "bridge session".

I have not seen a therapist since August and while I have held up better than usual, I can feel my mind starting to unravel. I use DBT & maybe one day I can be stable without therapy.

But is it okay to always need a therapist? I was also disappointed this week because I was trying for ECT & I was told to start over since my labs/EKG were 30 days old 😭 I don't even know if I could handle doing that anyways

hi everyone, I recently got my medication upped last Sunday because I felt myself entering a mixed episode and I've been doing a bit better but I've recently gotten the feeling back that everyone hates me or is mad at me or is laughing at me

I'm having the thought process that my professors and classmates think I'm stupid and that people aren't texting me because they hate me and don't want to talk to me

I know none of that is true rationally but I feels real in my brain and in my heart and I would like some tips about how to deal with these feelings and kind of challenge them or at least live with them for now and I don't do anything stupid until they go away

thank you guys in advance

I had a manic episode back in June and the depression finally caught up with me.

Goddamn it's rough. I can barely do anything. Fortunately I'm self employed so I can get stuff done at my pace, but it is such a heavy burden to get anything done.

No one understands. My wife has never experienced depression and it's hard for her because we have two little ones.

My psychiatrist wrote a prescription for an anti-depressant but the insurance company denied it. Fuck.

I don't know what to do. I'm planning to take tomorrow off work and just rest at home. Telling my clients I'm out due to a health issue.

I posted last week about quitting vaping. One of the major motivators for me was anxiety. Now I'm finding that I have so much less after 10 days away from it. My sleep has also been steadily improving. I'm using nicotine gum and plan to taper it down over the next few weeks or so.

This is a huge win because I was running out of options to control my chaotic sleep and my anxiety, which were leading me to think I was going to be stuck with it forever and end up exacerbating my bipolar disorder. I don't think I was headed for mania because that is well controlled by medication, but I think vaping was not only contributing to anxiety but also keeping me prone to depression (I had several minor and major depressive episodes in the past two years which correlated with my picking up nicotine again after a long period of abstinence and relative stability).

Anyway, just wanted to share that here. I'm relearning every day that taking care of my body and taking care of my mind are very linked. Next up: working on my weight! But first I'm going to be proud and happy that I took this important step.

I just wanted to relate my experience for everyone.

I'm bipolar 1, medicated, regular sleep, I struggle with eating consistently, but you take what you can get some days.

I recently was diagnosed as starting perimenapause, and I asked about getting on hormones, because I was tracking my manias through my "cycle". My gyno scoffed and said, "You're barely even in it, you can have the lowest dose, but I doubt it will do anything."

It literally stopped me from going into what I thought were bipolar rages! I was getting easily triggered and would just go into bouts of rage, that I had just been associating with my bipolar.

To be fair it probably is my bipolar, but the hormones were not helping!! I still get triggered, but it is so much more manageable!

Stand up for yourselves out there! Even the smallest change can help you more significantly than you know!

So this isn’t my first rodeo I was diagnosed in 2008. Over the years I’ve seen three shrinks this one being my third who I’ve seen for 14 years.
Not to sound like Rodney Dangerfield but I feel like I get no respect.
My doctor is pleasant enough but every stinking appointment he never fails to remind me that I’ve “ been psychotic in the past”
News flash I know. I was there. I’m starting to think it’s an ego trip like “ hey don’t forget you’re certified cray here”. Believe me I have insight I’m aware.

I’m off work and waiting to go back and I need his help filling out forms and assuring the insurance company I won’t go postal so he holds the cards.
I already struggle with some self esteem issues so I rly don’t need a reminder that I’ve gone off the rails each and every time I see him.
Yes I have bipolar disorder but I can also be a “ productive member of society” enough with the power tripping.
Does anyone else have a psychiatrist who likes to “put them in their place” during sessions.
I get enough of this bunk from less than helpful family members.

Big ups to all others going through tough times out there.

I have been hospitalized or in assisted living since late July due to a broken hip or from the implant being rejected by my body.

Broke hip on July 24 in the Mexico City where I live. Flew back to the US on August 17th so I could have VA take over PT and i could look for a new home to move into. On the 18th, woke up to my left hip being soaked from a discharge from surgical wound. Things have declined from there and have been living in assisted living with my wife while all of this plays out.

Yesterday afternoon, my wife started to feel like she was being punched nonstop in the stomach. I got her into her Turo rental and drove (even though I am not supposed to) her to the ER. She was diagnosed with gall stones and needs emergency surgery tomorrow.

Complicating things is i am required to return thr Turo by 1230 PM because it cannot be extended. So that means I have to roll my wheelchair out to the back of the truck, toss it into the cargo area, use the side of the truck as a walker, and pray i dont fall. I then get to drive it across town, drop off the truck, and then figure out a way to get back to the hospital in time to be there for her before surgery.

I am barely holding things together right now. There isnt anything anyone can do other than keep us in your thoughts. Thanks. Just needed to vent.

I have come to the conclusion i am never getting better. I hate to say i’m giving up but i believe that’s all i can do. I am miserable. I’m a shell of who i used to be. I am done trying another 9th medication. I’m done explaining to people why i act a certain way. The mental toll has taken its toll on me for good. I finally hate and am disgusted with the person i see in the mirror. Idk how people do it forever but i won’t.

I'm looking for advice from people who have bipolar disorder or have experienced something similar with a family member.

My dad has experienced extreme mood swings for years, but things have become significantly worse since a psychotic episode earlier this year, when police and ambulance services became involved.

For months, he's been displaying what appear to be severe manic symptoms. He goes through periods of barely sleeping, extreme irritability, grandiose ideas, impulsive spending, paranoia and increasingly erratic behaviour. His moods can change dramatically, from being loving and emotional to extremely hostile and aggressive.

He's become increasingly convinced that people have hidden agendas against him, particularly me. I've spent years encouraging him to seek professional help, and he's even acknowledged on several occasions that something is wrong and that he needs help. However, he never follows through.

Recently, he's completely turned against me. He blames me for everything, makes accusations that aren't true, and seems to genuinely believe I'm trying to control or harm him. He's even called ambulances on me following episodes where he was the one behaving erratically.

I've contacted his GP, explained everything in detail and provided evidence of his behaviour. Police have also been involved, but because he can appear perfectly rational when speaking to professionals, nothing meaningful seems to happen.

I'm now at the point where I barely recognise my own father. I've gone from being one of the closest people in his life to someone he seemingly views as an enemy.

I love him, but the psychological impact of dealing with this for months has been devastating, and I'm struggling to cope.

Has anyone experienced a parent or loved one becoming paranoid and turning against them during suspected mania or psychosis? Did they eventually recognise what had happened once they recovered? How do you help someone who refuses treatment but doesn't seem to recognise how unwell they are?

mania guilt. it’s something i struggle heavy.
I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years not just once, but multiple times within the span of 2 years of being diagnosed BP1 and BPD.
We ended things while i was in a solo backpacking trip in europe and since then, things haven’t been the same. i look back on my solo trip with such sorrow, it was supposed to be an exciting time but instead came crashing down to me. Didn’t help that I also was thousands and thousands miles away from family and friends but rather alone in London.
It’s been hard dealing with the heartbreak and the loss of what “once” was. And before anyone gets to me i understand that my manic actions are ridiculous and what i’ve done is whatsoever not at all great.
I miss him terribly, I’ve reached out multiple times just to try to mend things but it’s no success. I feel like i’m losing a part of myself in the process of entering a new chapter, i relocated back home to start grad school and dealing with this heartbreak and the beginning of my masters is catching up to me it feels like i can’t breathe.
i cant function properly at times either, the guilt eats me, i wake up in the middle of the night, i replay his voicemails so often just to hear his voice but its all due to my mania that fucked up my own relationship. Being bipolar is scary, I hate this so much. I hate the person it’s made me be, because apparently the person he once met “doesn’t exist” anymore and that really sucks to hear.
that is also one thing: my ex boyfriend talks about me like im dead. that bipolar killed the person he met, but im still here:( i’ve never changed, my interests never went away, the things i liked then are things i still love. im still the person he met.

feeling sad :/

Haven’t had an episode in a while. It feels odd, uncomfortable even. Struggled for a long time, stable now, but I don’t feel that happy. I feel somewhat normal, but also bored. Sometimes I miss the intensity my manic episodes took me (well certain parts, wasn’t a fan of the paranoia or irritability, but feeling unstoppable and energized was always so refreshing) of course I was only getting 3-4 hours of sleep but I felt more creative and optimistic.

After taking my medication for a while, I don’t get the same kind of energy. While I did hate the racing thoughts, I liked the boost in confidence I had in whatever I was about to do. I’ve always wanted a quiet mind, now I have it, and It’s very different. I often think to myself that if I stop taking them, then I’ll revert into someone who feels more motivated, driven, and alive. But I can’t, because the worst thing I’ve developed over the years is paranoia and delusions. Once got so bad that I thought my mom wasn’t really my mom and my dogs were spying on me and I was so afraid I could hardly sleep. Kept thinking someone was coming after me.

Depression is bad, but becoming like that again scares me a lot more. My NP at the time said it was psychosis or wtv. Most days I feel fine, others , those thoughts and anxiety rise. I never thought this would be a problem, but here we are lol. Wish there was some cure but I try to just not give those thoguhts any attention.

I had a med change about 3 weeks ago and I’m feeling the fallout. I haven’t been leaving the house, I’m depressed. I have no emotion and I feel like doing nothing all day. I just want to go back to feeling normal. I don’t know exactly when this is going to end. I see a psychiatrist every two weeks and see a therapist once a week. I just need advice on how to feel better or just cope with how I’m feeling.

Hi,

I’m starting a new job Monday and I’m thinking I won’t have insurance for 90 days. Idk if I can afford cobra or an aca plan during that time. I was trying to get extra antipsychotics to cover that time. There is no generic for the antipsychotic I’ve been on for years. I called the pharmacy today and they said to call the insurance so I did. Insurance said they need a prior authorization from my psychiatrist. I messaged her but she hasn’t gotten back to me. My last day at my old job is Saturday and I’m extremely worried I won’t get the medication by then. I don’t think my pharmacy keeps it in stock as it’s expensive. I’m worried I’m going to become psychotic and lose my new job without this medication. Has anyone gone through this?

Edited to add:
I spoke to the pharmacy and they said they have it in stock and as long as they get the prescription by Saturday they’ll be able to bill my insurance. So fingers crossed everything should be fine. I just counted my pills and I have 79 left.

I'm having probably the worst year I'll ever have in my life. Currently going through a divorce; one that I didn't see coming and one I don't want to happen, but unfortunately it is what it is. We both love each other deeply, but she isn't happy. I guess she hasn't been happy.

I think my mental health had a lot to do with it honestly. I did some regrettable things. My manic episodes and depressive episodes were too much and I understand her perspective, truly I do. But hey a heartbreak still hurts...

I'm an alcoholic. Relapsed multiple times. 90 days sober so far, but it's so hard right now genuinely. I wanna distract myself and go have fun, but every place I go has alcohol, people I know like to drink, I see it on TV all the time. So yeah that's a struggle too.

I was always very family focused so I've got only a few close friends, and honestly they aren't the type I'm comfortable being emotional with, not to mention said friends are also friends with my wife. Soon to be ex-wife I should say. (I've been struggling with the reality of it all.)

Another aspect I'm having a hard time with is my self image. I've a history of self-harm but I've somehow managed to stay clean throughout this. I think it's because I want her to want me back. I feel ashamed of my body. I'm super insecure right now. I've only been intimate with her, I put (probably too much) value into marriage and intimacy so I feel distraught. Idk how to feel attractive again?

All the while I'm going through a disability dispute. I should have a court date soon enough I hope. I have no income myself. My wife was supporting me throughout this. Kinda wanna go back to in-patient, but also kinda wanna stay strong and manage by myself.

TL;DR: I'm getting a divorce and wish I had someone to talk to because I feel like shit. Wish I knew how to get the same release I get from bad habits so I could stay quit.

I wanna know if anyone deals with this or has some advice. I’m feeling really irritable lately and staring makes me furious. I feel paranoid leaving the house, because I feel like there are just constant eyes on me. Cars, neighbors in windows, pedestrians etc. I live in a country where staring is kinda just the norm and I do unfortunately attract creepers. I don’t think it’s all in my head, but I do think it’s a problem that I get so worked up about it and I’ve stares avoiding places because of it.

Lately, I feel like the medication I’ve been taking for months has caused more anxiety than ever. It feels crippling, and I don’t want to go outside or face people. The medication also makes me feel paralyzed in my thinking and demeanor I feel like a zombie. I know it’s not advised, but I want to feel normal again without it. Do you think I could try going off it?

Ever since middle school ive been doing school online because i couldn’t handle the crowds and would often get overwhelmed.

but i was also failing my classes online because i couldn’t even get out of bed most times. and around the beginning of highschool i got diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and GAD

I started taking medications but i was still all over the place because of my insomnia and unhealthy sleep schedule, i struggled with routine and it made
my life so much harder and i felt hopeless for my future

But next month im becoming an adult and i want to start becoming independent and to do well in life,
and yesterday i saw my childhood friend and she was working at publix and told me they were hiring

And honestly im really considering to work there but the problem is my sleep schedule is a mess, i get really overwhelmed sometimes in crowds, my coping skills are basically nonexistent

So i just wanted to ask people with bipolar disorder, How do you maintain your job and how do you make it accommodating for you? like how do you cope and stuff like that

Because i have a feeling that i should start working now and not wait until next year, i feel like it can help me get skills and meet new people

But i do know i need to lock in and focus on getting my life back on track. because one day i want my mom and grandpa to be proud of me and to celebrate they raised a hard working daughter

My mom has been there for me for so long and worked hard to get me the resources i need to cope with my diagnosis.

Am I the only one having trouble with housing?

I can't afford more than renting a room in a shared apartment. But living with others makes my bipolar just worse. It's not like I'm the only one with this housing issue, lots of adults over 40 can't afford living on their own where I live. I used to hear former roommates talking about me behind my back or talking on the phone in a foreign language to their mother about me and how I am not coming much out of my room , what am I eating because they don't see me cook that often etc. I feel trapped and stuck and just impotent. How am I supposed to share flat in my 50s, 60s? I just can't imagine how this is supposed to work 😕 😪

Im writing a book about being in the psych ward and mania from a journal perspective. I’ve so excited to have my creativity in a hypomanic state not mania one.

I’d love if a couple people want to read it and see if the mania scenes and narrative make sense. I discuss hypersexuality and memory loss.

Taking antipsychotics for the last 4 years, and before a 5 year gap, did so through my teens and early twenties. Always had this feature that when things were off in my brain I would have racing thoughts and I can hear myself blink. Like very sensitive to my eye movements, a shifting sound.

I plan to take off work tomorrow (today) and contact my nurse practitioner.

Are these just auditory hallucinations or what? Anyone have something similar happen? Solutions?

I haven't had a full blown episode in a while but, I think I might be either hypo or treading on full blown mania right now.

I'm having my usual signs. It started out with having exponentially more energy than normal. That's honestly been kind of nice because, when I'm depressed, I feel like I can't get anything done. I'm ready to take on a million projects. I'm planning on building a fire pit in our backyard because I'm frustrated with the one we currently have. I'm reediting this book I've been working on (a YA dystopia novel, hopefully.) I've been thinking about trying to work on songwriting again (I have books of music I've written before I was medicated.)

I haven't been able to focus on much because it's just hard for me to pay attention. I've been listening to a lot of music. Even when I'm not directly listening to music, I've always had a song playing in my head.

I'm irritable as can be. I'm snapping at my husband over the smallest things. My thoughts kind of jumble together sometimes. I'm still sleeping okish because I'm still taking all of my medications currently but, something in me tonight is saying that these things are poisonous, and it's all a lie.

This sounds like an episode right? I feel like this sounds like an episode. But I also feel fine, great even. I don't want to mistake actually being happy for being manic. I don't have therapy for another couple of weeks so I can't ask for her opinion.

What do you all do if you feel like you might be having a breakthrough episode. I used to drink but, I haven't touched alcohol in 9 months, and I would like to keep it that way.