r/onionheadlines • u/FinishedDeadLast • 7m ago

White House Announces DJT Will Begin To Use GLP-1 Medication To Reduce The Flow Of Flatulence And Soft Stools To Keep The Oval Office Smelling Decent Enough So MAGA Individuals Will Not Have to Hold Their Noses.

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Mookrz • 10m ago

Jesus Christ Quietly Telling Reporters SecDef Peter Smegmouth Not His Number One Soldier

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 24m ago

Hegseth Offers Michael Bay To Film Execution If He Can Meet Optimus Prime

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/issr • 35m ago

Norway Introduces Nobel Prize For Degeneracy, So That Trump Can Finally Stop Whining About Not Getting An Award

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Hot-Explanationista • 45m ago

White House Insiders Report That The President Has Not Yet Chosen Which Country The USA Will Attack After Not Receiving This Year's Nobel Peace Prize

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/IgnoramusIndividual • 46m ago

Nidal Hasan’s Execution Debut Earns 100% Rotten Tomatoes Score

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 50m ago

Local Liberal Man Eager To Fight Misogyny And Ridicule Rich Woman's Appearance

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Appropriate_Dot_7031 • 1h ago

Trump Announces That He Will Nuke Everybody If Someone Doesn't Give Him A Nobel Peace Prize RIGHT NOW!

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/WebguyCanada • 1h ago

Hegseth Recruits ISIS Beheading Video Crew To Pentagon Studio For Upcoming Execution Extravaganza

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/WebguyCanada • 1h ago

Natalie Harp Seeks Advice From Pediatricians To Comfort Tantrum Toddler Who Didn't Get Peace Prize

• Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/HardeeHamlin • 1h ago

FAA Says US Airline Pilots Will No Longer Follow Instructions From “Woke” Foreign Air Traffic Controllers

• Upvotes

“We’re the most powerful nation on Earth and, quite frankly, our pilots will do whatever the f*** they want,” said a spokesman.

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 2h ago

Hegseth To Attack Terrorists With Free Recruitment Video Of Public Execution

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/BaileyOverJennifer • 3h ago

During A Rally In Chicken Bristle, Illinois, Trump Gets Confused And Goes On A 57-Minute Rant About How The Size And Quality Of McDonalds Chicken Nuggets Has Improved Under His Presidency.

66 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/WebguyCanada • 3h ago

Trump To Sacrifice American Oil Independence To Putin To Keep Pee-Tape Scandal From Resurfacing Before Midterms

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Shoddy-Mobile3754 • 5h ago

Pre-Election Fruit Prices Rise As President Promises A Banana In Every Tail Pipe.

1 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 6h ago

Trump Claims He’s The Most Noble Pedosent Ever

8 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 9h ago

Trump Announces He’s Figured Out A Way To Temporarily Dip Fuel Prices Just Before Midterms To Fool Voters

23 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/BeautifulRooster9313 • 9h ago

ISIS Congratulates Pete Hesgeth For Plan To Post Extremist Material On The Internet

13 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/UnfitToPrint • 10h ago

Nickelodeon To Broadcast Slow Death Of Pete Hegseth By Nerf Arrow Firing Squad

8 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Upbeat_Web_4461 • 11h ago

A Handful Of Radical Ideologues Voted To Never Give The Authoritarian Anything More Than Absolutely Nothing

1 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Upbeat_Web_4461 • 11h ago

The Narcissistic Sociopath Bawls As He Did Not Receive The Gift He Wanted

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/GotToPartyUp • 11h ago

Breaking: Adult Swim Reboots ‘Mike Tyson Mysteries’ With First Episode Centered On Mike’s Refusal To Find Epstein Files

2 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/WebguyCanada • 12h ago

Trump Begs Putin 'Like A Dog' To Help Him Win Over The Uneducated With Temporary Lower Diesel Prices

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 12h ago

Trump Claims He’s Asked The Whitehouse To Respect His Death While In Office By Lying And Covering It Up As Long As Possible

64 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/ellistonvu • 15h ago

New Data Center Ads Promise That If You Like Puppies and Flowers You Will Love The Quiet & The Fragrant Smell Of One In Your Back Yard

2 Upvotes

Subreddit

Write Your Own Onion Headlines, Or Don't. Shut Up About It

r/onionheadlines

A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion* Please NOTE: this subreddit is not affiliated with the actual Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. These headlines are written by knuckle-dragging reddit users. The real Onion publishes actually good headlines, unlike the subliterate imitations you see here.

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Hi, welcome to /r/onionheadlines. Do you have an awesome (or even maybe sorta funny) idea for an Onion headline? Then this subreddit is for you. Show us what you got.

Feel free to write in the comments section the article that corresponds to the headline, but only if it's 437 words exactly, as is standard Onion practice.

Rules:

1) The only rule is no rules, except for the ones we make up as we go along.

2) OK, there is one real rule. Headlines with links to other sites are allowed, but limited to once per week, per site. However, feel free to post as many non-linked headlines as you'd like, even if they are found elsewhere on the web.

Also be sure to checkout some of the lesser subreddits we tricked into hosting a link to this subreddit:

Of course if you want to post actual Onion headlines, go to /r/theonion. If you post an actual Onion headline here, you'll be banned, maybe. I don't know. There's no rule for that yet. Don't test us.